THE WEDDING RINGER
FKA
BEST MAN, Inc. / THE GOLDEN TUX
by
Jeremy Garelick & Jay Lavender
GREEN REVISED - 10.22.13
YELLOW REVISED - 10.11.13
PINK REVISED - 10.1.13
BLUE REVISED - 9.17.13
WHITE SHOOTING SCRIPT - 8.27.13
Screen Gems Productions, Inc.
10202 W. Washington Blvd.
Stage 6 Suite 4100
Culver City, CA 90232
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
1
OVER BLACK
A DIAL TONE...numbers DIALED...phone RINGING.
Hello?
SETH (V.O.)
DOUG (V.O.)
Oh hi, uh, Seth?
Yeah?
It’s Doug.
SETH (V.O.)
DOUG (V.O.)
SETH (V.O.)
Doug? Doug who?
OPEN TIGHT ON
DOUG
Doug Harris...
30ish, on the slightly dweebier side of average.
1
REVEAL: INT. DOUG’S OFFICE - DAY
1
Organized clutter, stacks of paper cover the desk. Vintage
posters/jerseys of Los Angeles sports legends adorn the walls-ERIC DICKERSON, JIM PLUNKETT, KURT RAMBIS, STEVE GARVEYDOUG
You know, Doug Harris...Persian Rug
Doug?
SETH (OVER PHONE)
Doug Harris! Of course. What’s up?
DOUG
(relieved)
I know it’s been awhile, but I was
calling because, I uh, have some
good news...I’m getting married.
SETH (OVER PHONE)
That’s great. Congratulations.
DOUG
And, well, I was wondering if you
might be interested in perhaps
being my best man.
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
2
Dead silence.
SETH (OVER PHONE)
I have to be honest, Doug. This is
kind of awkward. I mean, we don’t
really know each other that well.
DOUG
Well...what about that weekend in
Carlsbad Caverns?
SETH (OVER PHONE)
That was a ninth grade field trip,
the whole class went. No offense,
Doug, but I really can’t help you
on this one.
2
INT. DOUG’S OFFICE - LATER
2
Doug paces nervously, still on the phone...
DOUG
...and truth be told, you’re the
first person I thought of, so if
it’s not too much trouble...I’d be
honored if you’d be my best man.
Dead silence.
MATTHEW (OVER PHONE)
I don’t know what to say, Doug. I
really consider you more of an
acquaintance. I mean, I didn’t even
invite you to my wedding.
DOUG
That’s okay, you can’t invite
everyone you want to.
MATTHEW (OVER PHONE)
Actually, we invited pretty much
everybody we’ve ever known. We had
like four hundred guests.
Huh.
3
DOUG
INT. DOUG’S OFFICE - LATER
Doug stares out the window, still on the phone...
3
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
3
DOUG
...freshman year? Your roommate?
THOMAS (OVER PHONE)
Yeah, yeah. Of course. You sound
great, man, you finally go to a
speech therapist?
DOUG
No, that was Len Brophy, I was the
other one...
4
INT. DOUG’S OFFICE - LATER
4
Doug sits on his desk, scrolls through his address book on
his phone. Finds the number, takes a deep breath and dials on
speakerphone...
RECORDED VOICE
We’re sorry. The number you have
reached has been disconnected...
Doug lowers his head, dejected--could it get any worse? And
the desk COLLAPSES, sending Doug CRASHING to the ground!
FADE TO BLACK.
MUSIC CUE AND ROLL OPENING CREDITS OVER:
5
CLOSE ON A PLATE BEING LOADED WITH ARTISTIC SALAD, WE FOLLOW5
THE PLATE TO THE WAITER’S TRAY, AND THE TRAY MOVING INTO...
THE RECEPTION HALL OF A BLOWOUT WEDDING (WEDDING #1)
300 guests, on the dance floor, dancing exuberantly, mouthing
the words (NOTE: Something like--I Gotta Feeling), and
following all the moves ofTHE BEST MAN, JIMMY CALLAHAN
30ish, handsome, with MOUSTACHE and SMALL FRO (disguise #1)
he leads them all*Jimmy gives a point and grin to ANDREW, THE GROOM, as Andrew
spins his BRIDE, GINA...
*Jimmy jumps and dances with a group of elated OLD LADIES.
*Jimmy gets the nod from a CUTE BRIDESMAID, as she starts
dancing backwards towards him, ass bouncing.
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
Around the dancing, $2500 floral centerpieces, lights strung
everywhere. The dancing and music FADES INTO DINNER...
WAITERS on autopilot removing half-eaten salads...
JIMMY (O.S.)
...remember, a woman has the last
word in any argument. Anything a
man says after that is the
beginning of a new argument.
LAUGHTER rolls through the room as we settle on
Jimmy, winks at Gina the bride, nods at Andrew the groomJIMMY (cont’d)
Seriously, though. Let me tell you
about a conversation Andrew and I
had one morning as we watched the
sunrise over the Grand Canyon. We
were talking about true love and
“The One.” I was saying that our
true match exists somewhere and the
goal of life is finding her.
(shrugs)
I’ve always been a bit of a
hopeless romantic...
Jimmy pauses, takes a deep breath. Not a sound in the house,
not even forks clinking. Jimmy glances at a CUTE BRIDESMAID,
hanging on every word. Turns back to AndrewJIMMY (cont’d)
But like always, Andrew was the
rational one. He said "The One" was
a farce created by musicians and
Hollywood. So after about ten
minutes of debating true love we
went back to discussing Frank Lloyd
Wright & our other favorite
architects and neither of us ever
brought up "The One" again...
Jimmy glances back at the Cute Bridesmaid who sighs and
smiles. Locks eyes with herJIMMY (cont’d)
Until last December. My cell rings
one night, it's Andrew. He says,
“Remember when I said there's no
such thing as The One? I was so
wrong, man. Her name's Gina Baker.
She doesn't know it yet, but I'm
gonna marry her.”
4
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
5
The room breaks into AWWWS & APPLAUSE. Gina & Andrew kiss.
JIMMY (cont’d)
(smiling)
And I knew at that moment that this
Gina Baker was the luckiest girl in
the world. But after getting to
know you over the past few days and
as I look at you tonight, Gina. I
know at this moment, Andrew’s the
luckiest guy in the world. Because
I know you both have found The One.
The women melt. Gina wipes away a tear. Jimmy turns and locks
eyes with Andrew--shrugs--what else can I say?
JIMMY (cont’d)
(raising his glass)
A toast. To the Groom, my best
friend, and your lovely new wife.
Here's to happily ever after...
The ROOM ERUPTS IN APPLAUSE. The best friends embrace.
Cameras flashing. The VIDEOGRAPHER moves in for the victory
shot as the DJ strikes up a SONG6
INT. RECEPTION HALL - BACK TABLE - LATER (WEDDING #1)
Jimmy sits with the Cute Bridesmaid, doe-eyed & tipsy.
CUTE BRIDESMAID
That was the sweetest thing...I
have ever heard in my entire life.
Jimmy takes her hand, holds it to his heart.
JIMMY
When it comes from here, it just
flows.
The Cute Bridesmaid fiddles with his bow-tie.
CUTE BRIDESMAID
So are you still the hopeless
romantic?
JIMMY
Maybe not...hopeless.
Jimmy leans in to kiss her.
ANDREW (O.S.)
Can I speak to you for a moment?
6
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
6
Andrew walks up smiling as Jimmy pulls back.
7
INT. BANQUET HALL KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER (WEDDING #1)
7
Jimmy snags a couple of chocolate tuxedo-strawberries. Faces
Andrew. Their last moment together as boys.
ANDREW
I don’t even know what to say. Did
you see their faces? It was
incredible, everyone was smilingJIMMY
Look, I wanna try and tag that ass
before she passes out so if you
couldAndrew pulls out an envelope and hands it to Jimmy who
immediately tears it open with his teeth.
ANDREW
So, um, I guess that’s it, huh?
JIMMY
You know the rules.
ANDREW
I know, but I thought...I thought
we might have...hit it off, maybe?
Jimmy shakes his head as he licks chocolate off his fingers.
JIMMY
Look. You’re a good kid. But a
deal’s a deal. No contact after
final payment(off Andrew’s stare)
Unless... it’s for your second
weddingPulls out a CASHIER’S CHECKTWENTY THOUSAND DOLLARS payable to THE BEST MAN, INC.
Jimmy pockets the check. Grins at Andrew.
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
7
JIMMY (cont’d)
Shoulda charged you more, kid. You
got the real deal tonight. In the
zone, bro. In the zone.
Jimmy socks Andrew on the arm, adjusts his tie.
8
EXT. BANQUET HALL - NIGHT (WEDDING #1)
8
Guests HOLD SPARKLERS overhead as Andrew and Gina run through
them, climb into the limo. Cameras FLASH, people CHEER...
9
THE FAR CORNER OF THE PARKING LOT (WEDDING #1)
9
Jimmy eats wedding cake from his hand, the Cute Bridesmaid on
his arm, as he leads her to A VINTAGE STRETCH LIMO.
Flashes strobe the night behind them. He’s carrying her
heels, might as well be carrying her too...
CUTE BRIDESMAID
When I get married, I want an
outdoor wedding. Do you like
outdoor weddings?
JIMMY
Outdoor, indoor. I love 'em all.
Jimmy helps her into the back of the limo. The driver, OTIS,
30’s, 6’ and black, holding open the door...
10
INT. LIMO - MOMENTS LATER
10
Otis hops in up front, looks back from the wheelOTIS
(getting in)
Where to boss?
JIMMY
(smiles)
Just drive, Otis. Just drive.
Otis grins, raises his divider window and turns on our
opening credits song. As Jimmy takes her in his arms, he
rolls out...
OPENING CREDITS END AND WE
DISSOLVE TO:
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
11
TIGHT ON DOUG
8
11
Staring forward, catatonic. Thinner and paler than before.
Only sound we hear is the POUNDING BEAT of his heart, thenGRETCHEN (O.S.)
Well, Mom and I narrowed it down to
the silver tulle Tussy Mussy...
Sweat beads on Doug’s forehead. As he wipes it awayREVEAL: WE’RE INSIDE A WEDDING PLANNER’S OFFICE - DAY
Doug’s surrounded by his fiancée GRETCHEN PALMER, 32, a cute
blonde, her WASPY stern mother LOIS, 50’s, and burly bear of
a father, ED, 65...walking through tables displaying an ARRAY
of WEDDING ACCOUTREMENTS...
GRETCHEN (cont’d)
...which is a silver plate replica
of an actual 1915 Texan Tussy
Mussy...
Gretchen points to a nearly identical Tussy MussyGRETCHEN (cont’d)
Or we have the Tres Beau. With the
goldia floral etching enhanced with
a smoked-silver tone.
ED PALMER
Does anyone else feel really gay
right now?
Ed!
LOIS PALMER
GRETCHEN
So honey, which one do you like?
Doug stares down at all the wedding paraphrenalia--HEART
POUNDING, it all BLURS, tries to focus on three Tussy Mussies
before him, all look exactly the sameDOUG
Um...I like this one. The Texas.
LOIS PALMER
But that’s so common.
GRETCHEN
Let’s go with the Tres Beau.
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
9
EDMUNDO (O.S.)
Oh, Tres Beau Tussy Mussy!
EDMUNDO REGAL, 30’s, the flamboyant Latino wedding planner,
enters with his PRESENTATION BOARDSFabulous!
EDMUNDO (cont’d)
ED PALMER
Christ, somebody kill me. I’ll be
outside.
As Ed walks out, and Edmundo sets up his presentation boards-invitations, menus, centerpieces...Doug takes in the
overwhelming volume, unsettling him even more...
EDMUNDO
(off a presentation board)
Let’s see here. I have everything I
need for the bridesmaids...
ONE PRESENTATION BOARD: 8 BRIDESMAIDS photos pinned beneath
typed names. Next to each name--personal bios and every
possible measurement a woman could have...
EDMUNDO (cont’d)
(off an empty board)
But...I am still waiting for the
rest of the groomsmen’s
information.
Edmundo looks up at Doug, concernedGRETCHEN
(surprised)
Wait-what? You told me you’d gotten
in touch with all the groomsmenDOUG
No-no, I know. See I did, well I
sent emails but then what happened
was, you know how guys are and...
(clears throat)
I’m just waiting to hear from them.
GRETCHEN
Honey, I know how busy you are, but
our wedding’s in ten days!
LOIS PALMER
Can’t your best man help take care
of this?
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
10
EDMUNDO
It is usually the best man’s
responsibility to assist you in
collecting the measurements...
Doug grows dizzierDOUG
Right, see I tried that but Bic...
Bic’s still in El SalvadorLOIS PALMER
Well I sure hope he’s in LA next
weekDOUG
He’ll be here.
(nervous laugh)
You kidding? He’s totally going to
be here.
EDMUNDO
Look. You guys don’t need any extra
stress so if you’d like, I can
contact...
(reads off sheet)
Mr. Dickerson, Mr. Rambis, and Mr.
Garvey...
(frowns, keeps reading)
I mean, it would be a shame if Mr.
Carew, Mr. Plunkett, or Mr.
Drysdale, Mr. Alzado...
Doug’s world starts to spin, puts a hand on Lois for balanceDOUG
(incoherent)
Much to decide just out for a
breath ofDoug BLACKS-OUT--and his hand grabs Lois’ blouse, RIPPING IT
OFF AS HE FALLS...LOIS LEFT STANDING IN HER BRA!
12
INT. WEDDING PLANNER’S KITCHEN - MINUTES LATER
12
Doug sits slumped against the wall, opens his eyes. Edmundo
hands Doug a glass of waterEDMUNDO
Unless you’re planning to run,
you’re backing yourself into a
tight corner.
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
11
DOUG
I don’t know what you’re implyingEDMUNDO
Douglas. Three out of seven of your
groomsmen are Hall of Famers.
Edmundo eyes him accusingly. Doug sags, nailed.
DOUG
She’ll leave me, I know it. Please,
you’re not going to tell are you?
EDMUNDO
She’s going to find out soon enoughDoug elbows the wall in frustration.
EDMUNDO (cont’d)
Why didn’t you say something to me
earlier?
DOUG
I just, well...look. Ever since I
proposed, I’ve been on a bullet
train. I haven’t slept in months, I
can’t hold anything down. I’m
losing weight.
(beat)
I just want her to be happy.
EDMUNDO
The truth is always the best.
DOUG
What if the truth isn’t an option?
Edmundo folds his arms, contemplates the situationEDMUNDO
Well, then there’s only one other
thing...
13
EXT. ARNIE’S WORLD OF FUN - PARKING LOT - MORNING
A massive entertainment complex--batting cages, go-kart
tracks, mini-golf, climbing wall, arcades...
Doug parks his top of the line Mercedes, gets out-
13
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
14
EXT. ARNIE’S WORLD OF FUN - CONTINUOUS
12
14
LOU, 80’s, on a HANDICAPPED SCOOTER follows Doug--who stops,
looks back at him, then continues walking--Lou follows. Doug
speeds up, so does Lou...
The CLATTER of batted balls echoing. Doug walks past various
BATTERS swinging away, MINI-GOLF...
15
EXT. ARNIE’S WORLD OF FUN - CASHIER - CONTINUOUS
15
Doug still followed by Lou on the scooter approaches the
outdoor cashier. Otis, the Lincoln Navigator driver, sits
behind the desk wearing a ARNIE’S WORLD OF FUN STAFF shirtOTIS
Hey Lou, knock that shit off!
Lou drives away.
DOUG
Excuse me, I was wondering how I,
uh, get to the basement?
Otis gives Doug a quick glance-over16
INT. ARNIE’S WORLD OF FUN - ARCADE - MOMENTS LATER
16
Doug follows Otis nervously past various arcades, pin-ball
machines, etc...
Otis leads him to a hallway, and nods to a door marked
EMPLOYEES ONLY...Doug hesitates, confused, Otis just stares
at him, and Doug goes to the door...
17
INT. BASEMENT STEPS - MOMENTS LATER
17
Doug walks down a staircase, old sports posters and
paraphernalia on the walls. He stops and notes an ODD PHOTO
of a man holding his child outside a train, peeing...
18
INT. BASEMENT TUNNEL - MOMENTS LATER
18
Doug wanders through a tunnel...he spots A TAPED ARROW
labeled TBM INC on the wall.
He continues on through the tunnel to a DOOR STENCILED with
TBM INC. Tries the handle--locked.
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
13
Notices a DOORBELL, presses it...waits a beat. The door
BUZZES, he takes a breath and opens it. His jaw drops as he
looks...
19
INT. BEST MAN INC - RECEPTION - CONTINUOUS
19
Refurbished as an office waiting area replete with shag
carpeting & wedding-themed decor. DORIS JENKINS, 60’s, black,
sits at the receptionist’s desk staring at the awestruck DougDORIS
Can I help you?
Doug stares dumbfounded at the roomDOUG
Yeah, uh, I was wondering if...I’m
looking for a Jimmy Callahan?
DORIS
Who sent you, The Goose?
DOUG
Uh, no. Edmundo.
DORIS
Well welcome to The Best Man, Inc.
OFF his look20
INT. BEST MAN INC - JIMMY’S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER
20
Bookshelves lined with wedding books, the walls completely
covered with dozens of WEDDING PARTY team photos. Doug looks
over the various photos--Jimmy’s appearance is altered
slightly in each one...
JIMMY (O.S.)
So Edmundo sends you to find the
Oracle...what can I do for you?
Bewildered, Doug turns to see Jimmy,(moustache & fro are
gone) he goes to make a drinkDOUG
Well...I guess I have a few
questions, I mean, how does, how dowhat exactly do you do?
Jimmy walks over to the desk-
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
JIMMY
I provide best man services for men
like yourself who may be lacking in
such areas.
DOUG
So I’m not alone?
JIMMY
Alone? I run a highly profitable
business thanks to guys like you.
Jimmy motions for Doug to sit, he doesJIMMY (cont’d)
Seriously. Some pencil dick kid at
Cornell University with waaaay too
much time on his hands recently
confirmed the number of “real”
friends an average American has,
and we’re not talking phony fuckin’
“FACEBOOK” friends here we’re
talking “they know where your porn
is stashed” kinda friends, dropped
from 3 to 2 since 1985.
DOUG
Really?! Well, I don’t have any.
JIMMY
That means somebody else must have
theirs and yours too.
Doug looks confused, but Jimmy’s on a roll.
JIMMY (cont’d)
How many weddings you think there
were in the U.S. last year?
(off Doug’s shrug)
2.4 mil, pal. That’s 2.4 million
grooms. You think every one of them
has someone to be their best man?
It’s why we’re never shocked to see
a groom’s father stand up as his
best man. Can you imagine a woman
asking her mother to be her maid of
honor?
DOUG
I had no idea people like you
existed.
14
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
JIMMY
Like an angel bro, you only see me
when you need to.
Doris walks in, holding a pressed dark suitDORIS
You should leave soon.
She hangs the suit on a hook on the door, heads back outJIMMY
Beth Shalom?
DORIS
Beth Yermeyahu and traffic’s gonna
be a bitch.
Doris exits and closes the door. Jimmy moves to the suitJIMMY
Why do they always schedule these
things at lunch time?
He drops his pants...
JIMMY (cont’d)
So what’d you tell your fiancée?
DOUG
I told her I had someone.
Jimmy puts on the suit pants...
JIMMY
The Norton Winchell.
(off Doug’s look)
The Imaginary Friend Cover. That’s
an amateur move. Very common.
Jimmy takes off his t-shirt, buttons up the dress shirt...
JIMMY (cont’d)
Your parents, they in on it?
DOUG
You don’t need to worry about themJIMMY
Why? They protesting the marriage?
DOUG
They passed away several years ago-
15
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
16
JIMMY
(snap-points)
Perfect. So we talking large
wedding or small?
Large.
DOUG
JIMMY
Social pages or family style?
Social-
DOUG
JIMMY
Hancock Park, Bel Air, Palisades?
DOUG
Downtown, Millennium Biltmore.
Finished changing, Jimmy sits at his desk.
Alright.
JIMMY
Pulls a LAMINATED PAGE out of a drawer. Slides it across the
counter to Doug.
JIMMY (cont’d)
My packages break down like this:
your basic Single Wing Ringman. You
get me as your best man just for
the wedding day.
(off his look)
Now if you need me there for an
entire weekend of festivities, you
need the The Bronze Bow-tie...
(flips page)
And if you’re really fucked, you’ll
want The Silver Cufflink--which
includes everything from the Bronze
Bow-tie plus up to three additional
groomsmen to help balance out the
bridesmaids. For an extra grand,
I’ll throw you a little Bachelor
Party tailored to you.
Doug stares at the laminated sheet. Jimmy opens a leather
folder and reviews its contents...
JIMMY (cont’d)
So you got shutout on the best man
front, how you doing on groomsmen?
****
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
17
DOUG
Not so good.
JIMMY
Not so good as in need one, two...?
Seven.
DOUG
Jimmy looks up from the folderJIMMY
Seven?!? “Not so good”? Bro, you’re
fucked. What’d you tell your lady?
DOUG
I uh...Norton Winchelled her.
JIMMY
You Norton Winchelled eight times?
Doug shrugs. Jimmy leans back, scrutinizes himJIMMY (cont’d)
Then we’re talking about...DORIS!
DOUG
What? What is it?
JIMMY
Kid needs a Golden Tux.
****
****
DORIS
That’s impossible.
****
****
Please-
DOUG
****
****
JIMMY
No way. It’s not on our catalogue
for a reason. Too many moving
parts, too much can go wrong.
****
****
****
****
DOUG
But you have a name for it.
****
****
JIMMY
I got a name for a horse with a
horn coming out of its head, it’s
called a unicorn. That doesn’t mean
I can get one for you.
****
****
****
****
****
DORIS
When’re you getting married?
****
****
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
17A
DOUG
A week from Saturday.
****
****
JIMMY
A WEEK FROM SATURDAY?!?
****
****
Doris snort laughsDORIS
Good luck with that one.
And walks out. Jimmy checks his watch-
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
18
JIMMY
I’m not sure what Edmundo told you,
pal, but I don’t do miracles.
21
EXT. ARNIE’S WORLD OF FUN - PARKING LOT - MOMENTS LATER
21
Jimmy walks towards his car Doug follows, desperate.
DOUG
She’ll leave me. She’ll call the
whole thing off. I need your helpJIMMY
You’re talking about uncharted
territory, here. No one’s ever even
asked me for a Golden Tux. And in
less than 2 weeks? Well, I don’t
need that kinda pressure. I got a
nice job, a nice businessDOUG
I don’t care how much it costs, I
need a Golden Tux!
Jimmy stops at his vintage Chevelle convertible, eyes DougJIMMY
You sure she’s worth it, pal?
DOUG
Look, a guy like me doesn’t land a
girl like her. So I lied about
having lots of friends. Never did I
think she’d like me...much less
agree to marry me. I am marrying a
girl that all my life I never would
have thought would’ve looked at me
twice, and I’m marrying her. What’s
a little white lie in the face of
that? Help me, Jimmy...I love this
girl22
INT. JIMMY'S CHEVELLE - DRIVING - MINUTES LATER
Jimmy steers with his knees, dangerously fast, adjusts his
tie in the rearview, Doug nervous in the passenger seat-
22
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
19
JIMMY
If this was a small-town small-time
fam & friends straight-off-the-rack
Single Wing Ringman Thing, we might
have a chance. But two weeks in the
heart of wedding season to prep a
Biltmore Social Pages Golden Tux
Fiesta...it’s not gonna be cheap.
DOUG
Money’s not an issue.
Jimmy reaches into the backseat, opens up an ORANGE TACKLE
BOX--fingers through mustaches, hair-dye bottles, make-up,
various glasses...
JIMMY
I mean a Silver Cufflink will run
you about twenty grand.
DOUG
And a Golden Tux?
...pulls a pair of horned-rim glasses, puts them onJIMMY
Good question.
Jimmy SCREECHES into a CEMETERY PARKING LOTJIMMY (cont’d)
(offering one to Doug)
Yarmulke?
23
INT. BETH YERMEYAHU CEMETERY CHAPEL - MOMENTS LATER
WE MOVE from FACE to FACE down a row of MOURNERS...stop on
Doug sitting among them wearing a black yarmulke.
RABBI LIPSCOMB
Abraham buried his wife, and then
founded a school. The end is a
beginning. Selah bereshit.
(a long pause)
As many of you know, Stuart’s
family was actively involved in
Operation Moses, and getting the
Ethiopian Jews to safety in 1984.
That is how Stuart met his future
best friend, and at this time I’d
like to call him to say a few words-
23
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
19A
Jimmy, yarmulke & horn-rimmed glasses (Disguise #2), walks
down the aisle, nodding respectfully at the relatives and
friends of the deceased. Tosses a somber glance at Doug and
takes the podium, fighting back tears...
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
I’m sorry.
20
JIMMY
Takes a sip of water. Blows his nose. Composes himself.
JIMMY (cont’d)
Just five short years ago, I spoke
at Stuart’s wedding...I never
expected...
(more tears)
To be speaking so soon at his
funeral. But like Rabbi Lipscomb
said...
(nods at the Rabbi)
“Men plan and God laughs.”
The Rabbi nods back. Jimmy eyes the mourners sympathetically.
JIMMY (cont’d)
I’ve never lost a husband or a
sibling or a child or a parent. But
today, I know for the first time
what it feels like to have lost a
best friend. And it hurts.
(looks away)
It really hurts.
Doug bows his head.
JIMMY (cont’d)
Stu was my lighthouse in the storm.
My symbol of safety, my beacon of
strength. Not only did his family
save mine from starvation and
certain death in Ethiopia...the guy
taught me the killer crossover, the
quadratic equation and even the
moonwalk.
A few people CHUCKLE in the crowd.
JIMMY (cont’d)
Whether it was a joke or a picture
he emailed me, or a phone call
every time the Pirates beat the
Mets, Stu was always there. But
last November, he called me with
something more serious. He talked
to me about regret. And he told me
the following.
Jimmy eyes STUART’S WIFE sitting in the front row.
****
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
21
JIMMY (cont’d)
He told me there were dreams he
hadn’t realized, goals he hadn’t
accomplished, things he’d wanted to
do that would probably never be
done...but that none of that
mattered. Because he told me he had
found the only thing that really
mattered to him in the world.
(smiles)
His wife Pam. And he told me that
each day he spent with her gave him
enough happiness for a lifetime. So
even though he was dying young by
some people’s standards, his soul
had already lived for centuries.
The entire congregation smiles through their tears.
JIMMY (cont’d)
Stuart caught the early train but
he’s still with us. He’s up there
making sad angels laugh, giving the
hopeless angels hope...and when our
time comes, he’ll be waiting at the
gates with a big hug and a smile.
Jimmy nods in respect as everyone smiles and CLAPS...
24
EXT. BETH YERMEYAHU CEMETERY PARKING LOT - LATER
24
Mourners scatter. Doug waits by the Chevelle, watching Jimmy
console Stuart’s wife.
STUART’S WIFE
Thank you so much, Hank.
Of course.
JIMMY
STUART’S WIFE
He talked about you all the time.
JIMMY
He was my boy.
She hugs him tightly. Jimmy waits to be let go.
25
NEXT TO JIMMY’S CHEVELLE - MOMENTS LATER
Jimmy hops in the car, Doug gets in-
25
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
22
DOUG
(fumbling)
Look, uh, I had no idea-I’m sorry
this could’ve waitedJimmy sets the parking brake, opens the convertible topJIMMY
Don’t worry about it.
DOUG
I just-you had so many great things
to say about him-he must’ve been a
great guy.
JIMMY
Reinsdorf was a soulless douchebag.
You buy a Golden Tux, bitch, and
I’ll say nice things at your
funeral too.
Jimmy gasses it--they peel away.
26
INT. JIMMY’S CHEVELLE - ARNIE’S WORLD OF FUN - PARKING LOT 26
Jimmy pulling into the lot, Doug staring forward stunned,
trying to process everything.
JIMMY
And for another hundred bucks, I’ll
throw in holiday cards, birthday
calls. And if you croak within
seven years of said wedding...
DOUG
You’re serious?
JIMMY
Serious as paint.
Jimmy pulls into the spot next to Doug’s Mercedes. Throws it
in park, eyes Doug, then the Mercedes...
JIMMY (cont’d)
That yours?
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
Yeah...
DOUG
JIMMY
Nice. Okay, first off...if I do
this, you need to understand--this
is strictly a business
relationship. You aren’t buying a
new friend, you’re hiring a Best
Man. Clients sometimes blur that
lineDOUG
I don’t need a friend. I need a
best man.
JIMMY
Fifty grand.
Okay.
DOUG
JIMMY
Plus expenses.
Fine.
DOUG
Jimmy eyes Doug--didn’t expect him to agree that easilyJIMMY
Who’s officiating?
DOUG
Father O’Brien.
JIMMY
Never heard of him.
DOUG
Her family’s priest.
JIMMY
So what’s my name?
Excuse me?
DOUG
JIMMY
My name, you made up a name, right?
DOUG
Oh, uh, Bic Mitchum-
23
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
24
JIMMY
What do I wear a cape?
(ALT)
Bic Mitchum...sexy.
(nods, extends his hand)
Well then, Doug Harris, allow me to
introduce myself. I’m Bic Mitchum,
your Best Man.
They shake.
DOUG
It’s great to finally meet you.
JIMMY
(smiles)
Bullshit, it’s great to see you
again.
Doug keeps shaking Jimmy’s hand.
DOUG
Thank you. Thank you so much.
JIMMY
Okay.
(beat)
Let go of me, man.
Doug lets go, nods excitedDOUG
So what do we do now?
JIMMY
You get some rest and take care of
those bags under your eyes. It took
God seven days to create the world,
Doug. I’ve got less time to do much
more. I gotta go find you some
fuckin friends. And I mean
Pronto... Tonto.
27
INT. GRETCHEN’S APARTMENT - BEDROOM - NIGHT
27
Trendy decor. Doug, wearing only a t-shirt & boxers, whistles
to himself as he puts the finishing touches on a couple of
hot fudge sundaes, hidden on the far side of the bed...
Gretchen, in a t-shirt and underwear, finishes washing her
face in the bathroom...
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
25
GRETCHEN
At least Edmundo was able to
reschedule the new salad dressing
tasting to tomorrow. We’re barely a
week away and there’s still so much
left to do...
Gretchen walks out of the bathroom to find Doug lying on the
bed next to a tray with the sundaes, cherries and whip cream.
GRETCHEN (cont’d)
Doug, what’re you doing?
DOUG
Oh...I don’t know. Just thought,
maybe we’d have a little ice cream.
And then some dessert.
Gretchen gives him an odd glanceGRETCHEN
Honey, are you okay?
DOUG
Chocolate fudge with sprinkles.
Your favorite.
Gretchen can’t help but smile...
GRETCHEN
That’s not fair. You know I’m
trying to lose another four pounds.
Doug takes the cap off the whip creamDOUG
You look beautiful just the way you
are. And besides, it’s all low
carb, gluten free and sugar free.
Gretchen sits next to Doug, he feeds her a spoonfulGRETCHEN
Mmm. That tastes good.
DOUG
I got you something else...
Doug rolls over, grabs a BOX, and rolls back. Gretchen smilesGRETCHEN
Oh, DougieShe opens them...INSIDE ARE TWO PEARL EARRINGS...
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
DOUG
I remembered when we watched The
Girl With The Pearl Earring, and
you said how pretty her earring
was, so I had it remade, you know,
as a pair.
GRETCHEN
You are so sweet.
Gretchen smiles, touched, then notices the MUSIC playing in
the backgroundGRETCHEN (cont’d)
Is that Ingrid Michaelson?
Doug raises an eyebrow and whispers into her earDOUG
You know...there is one way we
could alleviate your stress.
GRETCHEN
(giggling)
That’s so not fair, no teasing!
DOUG
I know we agreed to the “no making
love for the last month” rule, but(kisses her again)
I’d like to request a temporary
stay of the ban.
GRETCHEN
You know I’d love to baby, but the
article said this will enhance our
emotional reunification...
DOUG
I know...but perhaps we should
waive it just for a night to make
sure everything’s... still working?
GRETCHEN
Doug, you know this is difficult
for me too. But, I’m willing to
make the necessary sacrifice to
make sure our wedding night is
perfect. You understand, don’t you?
Gretchen leans in and kisses him on the forehead.
26
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
28
27
EXT. ARNIE’S WORLD OF FUN - BATTING CAGES - THE NEXT MORNING
28
A BATTING COACH, 30’s, FITZGIBBONS, holds a cigarette and a
can of beer while “instructing” a black 10-YEAR-OLD, swinging
and missing every pitch.
10-YEAR-OLD
You suck, coach. I can’t hit shit.
FITZGIBBONS THE BATTING COACH
Just keep your eye on the ball,
little fucker.
(swigs)
And you expect this to cover what
you owe me, Jimmy?
Jimmy leans against the cageJIMMY
Fitzy, c’mon. You’ll make four
times what I owe you.
FITZGIBBONS THE BATTING COACH
And you’re sure I’ll get laid? I
haven’t gotten any since I got out.
I’m dying here, man. I’m fucking
drying up. My testicles look like
California Raisins. It’s awful.
10-YEAR-OLD
(swings, misses)
My mama ain’t payin you to talk to
your loser friends.
Fitzgibbons regards Jimmy for a beat. Then gently nudges the
kid who tips over the plate--OOFFF!--gets plunked with a
pitch in the side.
OWWWW!!!
29
10-YEAR-OLD (cont’d)
EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD STREET - LATER
LURCH, 30’s, white, wearing a Roto-Rooter uniform, is
detailing a ROTO-ROOTER VAN.
Brentwood?
LURCH
JIMMY
Biltmore. Hal Lane orchestra...
29
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
28
LURCH
(eyes light up)
Oh man, Hal Lane’s the best...
I know.
JIMMY
LURCH
...But I promised Marci I’d get out
of the game. Her old man hooked me
up with this job.
JIMMY
What job? Washing his van?
LURCH
I’m an apprentice. I take care of
his van while I’m learning to plumbJIMMY
Come on, LurchWhat?
LURCH
JIMMY
Look at me and tell me you don’t
miss it!
OFF Lurch’s look.
30
INT. AIRPORT - SECURITY - LATER
30
REGGIE, A TSA AGENT, 30’s, black, with a massive untamed fro,
stands behind a METAL DETECTOR, waving PASSENGERS through...
REGGIE
(waves a BALD GUY on)
Alright. You’re good.
A MAN WITH A TURBAN, hate flashing in his eyes, steps upREGGIE (cont’d)
You’re good.
An ATTRACTIVE TRAVELER steps up-
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
REGGIE (cont’d)
Excuse me, ma’am. I’m gonna need
you to step over here.
Reggie has the woman step asideREGGIE (cont’d)
Alright hold up. Lift your arms up.
Reggie starts patting her down, around her ass...
REGGIE (cont’d)
Turn around.
(smiles)
We may need you to do a cavity
search.
ATTRACTIVE TRAVELER
(opens her mouth)
I just got a filling at the dentistREGGIE
How ‘bout I give you another
filling, sweetie?
She turns aroundJIMMY (O.S.)
C’mon Reg, you’re better than this.
REVEAL: Jimmy watching...Reggie looks back to the womanREGGIE
You can go.
JIMMY
We need you, Reggie.
REGGIE
Who catering this gig?
The Puck.
Wolfgang?
JIMMY
REGGIE
JIMMY
No, Hockey Puck. Yeah Wolfgang
idiotThat gets Reggie’s attention, he looks over-
29
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
29A
REGGIE
All they got up in here is
Cinnabon. I’ve had Cinnabon for
breakfast, lunch, and dinner for
the past six months...I’m in.
OFF Jimmy’s smileCUT TO:
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
31
TIGHT ON A NEBBISHY ACCOUNTANT TYPE’S FACE
30
31
BRONSTEIN
Doug and I met at Camp Wampacheepi
when we were twelve. We used to
sneak out at night to hunt for
bullfrogs...damnit! I think I
dropped a lineREVEAL: INT. JIMMY’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Jimmy sits flanked by Lurch & Fitzgibbons The Batting Coach
while Reggie video-tapes the audition. Doris sits in a
folding chair taking notes.
JIMMY
No, you nailed it, Steiny. Always
do. What about distractions, you
got any party tricks?
Bronstein smiles, then dislocates his shoulderOWWWWWW!!!
BRONSTEIN
Jimmy and his guys stare in horror as Bronstein staggers to
the wall and SLAMS his shoulder against itBRONSTEIN (cont’d)
(louder)
AHHHHHH!!!
Takes a step back and throws all his weight against the wall,
knocking his shoulder back into socket. Turns with a grinEh???
32
BRONSTEIN (cont’d)
INT. ARNIE’S WORLD OF FUN - ARCADE - MOMENTS LATER
A few MOMS stare as FIFTEEN GUYS in their late 20’s/early
30’s, pacing and muttering lines to themselves, Bronstein
staggers out holding his shoulder in pain...
ENDO!
DORIS (O.S.)
Doris beckons ENDO, 30’s, a real nut job, in the middle of
doing a ridiculous acting warmup-
32
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
33
INT. JIMMY’S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER
31
33
Where Endo stands nervouslyENDO
Real pleasure to be here Jimmy.
Always wanted to work with youJIMMY
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, what’s your
monologue?
ENDO
I prepared the scene from Titanic
when Jack tries to save Rose from
jumping off the side ofJIMMY
Whoa... hold up. We specifically
said a monologue, not a scene.
ENDO
Well, I just thoughtLURCH
(interrupting)
I could read the part of RoseAnd OFF Jimmy glaring at Lurch...
34
INT. JIMMY’S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER
34
They stare at KIP, 30’s, gorgeous male model. Jimmy glances
over his resumé.
KIP
As you can see I’ve appeared in
several soap operas.
JIMMY
Right. So did you prepare anything?
Kip pulls off his shirt revealing a ripped body. Jimmy trades
glances with his guys, all trying not to be impressed.
JIMMY (cont’d)
So uh, I guess...any party trick
distractions?
Kip stares dumbly for a beat. Then his eyes light up and he
starts flexing his pecs alternating back-and-forth...The door
bangs open and Otis charges in-
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
OTIS
This is bullshit Jimmy. You
promised me a spot on the team.
JIMMY
I’m sorry, man, this isn’t a
straight up Single-Wing-Ringman
Thing. I need you to drive.
OTIS
I’m sick of driving. I want in!
JIMMY
Look, O, I told you. You gotta have
a party trick distraction and last
I checked... you didn’t have one.
OTIS
And I told you I’ve been working on
my talking backwards thingJIMMY
Yeah, well, no offense O but you’ve
been saying that for three monthsOTIS
Months three for that saying been
you’ve but O offense no well yeah.
The guys stare at Otis for a beat.
KIP
That’s pretty fucking cool.
OTIS
(smug)
Cool fucking pretty that’s.
LURCH
(spit-fire)
How much wood could a wood chuck
chuck if a wood chuck could chuck
wood?
OTIS
(even faster)
Would chuck could chuck wood a if
chuck chuck wood a could wood much
how?
JIMMY
Okay, that’ll do.
32
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
33
OTIS
Do that’ll okay.
JIMMY
Put a sock in it.
35
INT. EDMUNDO’S OFFICE - DAY
Doug & Gretchen stand with Edmundo and a handsome, black
CATERER. A row of ceramic bowls filled with salad dressing
line the tableGRETCHEN
Here sweetie, try the Roquefort
ButtermilkDoug sips a spoonful of salad dressing. He PUCKERS, COUGHS
and starts WHEEZING...
DOUG
Not bad...pretty good.
GRETCHEN
Really? It’s not too tangy?
(to the caterer)
Is there something a little less
harsh?
EDMUNDO
You should try the Algonquin Ranch.
It’s sweeter, yet maintains the
kick of a California Butternut. I
have some in the fridge. Ray, can
you grab thatRAY
All day, Edmundo.
EDMUNDO
You’re the best, Ray. Isn’t he the
best? He’s the best. Ray.
The Caterer disappears into the back.
GRETCHEN
(turns to Doug)
So we’re all set for brunch
tomorrow at my parents.
DOUG
Oh, hon, I thought I told you, I
have to go to the office-
35
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
GRETCHEN
But Edmundo’s bringing over another
round of appetizer samples. I can’t
make the decision without you.
DOUG
Well, look, I was going to keep it
a surprise...but it turns out Bic’s
flying in tomorrow morning.
33A
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
34
Edmundo glances at Doug, they share a lookGRETCHEN
You’re kidding! That’s great! Bring
him with you!
DOUG
(backpedaling)
I don’t know--we have some things
to take care of, he still needs to
get measured for his suitGRETCHEN
No-no-no, it’ll be perfect. Bring
Bic and he’ll give us his input.
And-oh yeah, this is great-he can
come on Monday with Alison and
witness our marriage license!
DOUG
But he... I...that might work but
lunch, I don’t know, he’s got a lot
to doGRETCHEN
Honey, he’s your best man and I’ve
never met him. You have the rest of
the day to run errands. You can’t
tell me he’s flying in tomorrow and
then not bring him to lunch, I’m
dying to finally meet him.
DOUG
Well...okay.
GRETCHEN
I’m dying to finally meet all your
friends!
CUT TO:
35A
INT. BEST MAN INC - JIMMY’S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
Jimmy watches Endo & Lurch on screen doing a scene from
Titanic.
ENDO
(as Leo DiCaprio)
Take my hand. I'll pull you in.
35A
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
35
LURCH
(as Kate Winslet)
No! Stay where you are. I mean it.
I'll let go...
Endo looks at Lurch, tears in his eyesJIMMY
Jesus Christ.
Doris opens the door, and Jimmy pauses itDORIS
Doug is on one. Something’s wrongJimmy grabs the phoneJIMMY
(into phone)
Tonto, what’s up?
DOUG (OVER PHONE)
We have a bit of a problem...
36
INT. DOUG’S CONDO - DAY
36
Doug opens the door--Jimmy strides in all-business, carrying
a METAL SUITCASE into the very high end, fancy bachelor padJIMMY
What the hell were you thinking?
DOUG
She cornered meJIMMY
In the future, if someone asks you
something that boxes you in, you
gotta Boomerang.
Boomerang?
DOUG
JIMMY
Yeah. You respond with a question
or a compliment. Questions work
better with men, compliments better
with women. So if I ask you where
you first met Bic and we haven’t
discussed it, you respond with...?
DOUG
You...uh, you’re very handsome?
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
36
JIMMY
Thank you, Doug, but compliment the
chicks, question the dudes. Got it?
DOUG
Sorry, yeah. I just get nervousJIMMY
Follow my lead. If they get missile
lock on you, Multiply The BullseyeDOUG
You’re confusing me.
JIMMY
Throw out more targets. Random
words distract them from the
original question. Got it?
(beat)
Now we only got 18 hours to prep
until brunch with the Palmers,
let’s get to work.
37
INT. DOUG’S CONDO - KITCHEN - MINUTES LATER
37
Doug sits at the kitchen table watching Jimmy empty the metal
suitcase--stacks of flash cards, legal pads, and recorder.
Jimmy presses RECORD andJIMMY
We’ll start with the HW-2’s. The
How-Where-Whats. The three basic
questions that everyone I encounter
as Bic will ask. How did we meet?
Where’m I from? And what do I do?
Even if we know nothing else, we
can tread enough water to fake a
stomach cramp and run away. So how
did we meet?
DOUG
Freshman year, Stanford.
JIMMY
That means I’m smart? Damnit. So
where am I from?
DOUG
I never said.
JIMMY
How bout North Dakota? You know
anyone from North Dakota?
(MORE)
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
37
JIMMY (cont'd)
(off Doug’s shrug)
Exactly. And what do I do?
DOUG
You’re in the military.
JIMMY
Atta boy, that’s good thinking. No
address, no number. And women get
off on that uniform shit. Gonna be
like shooting fish in a barrel.
DOUG
Yeah, I uh, don’t think you’ll be
shooting any fish in this barrel.
JIMMY
Yeah right. An Army boy best man
not hitting on the bridesmaids?
They’ll think I’m a homoDOUG
Yeah. Well actually...
JIMMY
Whoa! You made me a homo?
DOUG
Well not exactly.
JIMMY
Well what exactly?
DOUG
Bic Mitchum is actually Father Bic
Mitchum.
What?
JIMMY
DOUG
You’re in the Army, but you’re a
chaplain.
JIMMY
A chaplain? I’m a fuckin priest?
38
INT. DOUG’S CONDO - DEN - MOMENTS LATER
Doug follows Jimmy nervously as he scopes the place...
38
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
38
JIMMY
(into recorder)
Upscale bachelor...
(off the decor)
Rich.
Jimmy opens the coat closet, checks it out, keeps moving...
JIMMY (cont’d)
(into recorder)
Indications of slight analretentiveness, possible OCD...
Jimmy takes in the DODGERS and KINGS MEMORABILIA on the
walls, scans Doug’s old CD collection.
JIMMY (cont’d)
(into recorder)
Big sports fan...Questionable taste
in music.
39
QUICK SHOTS OF JIMMY DICTATING NOTES WHILE LOOKING THROUGH:39
The fridge...Doug’s DVD’s...
JIMMY
The JGL collection?
What?
DOUG
JIMMY
Big Joseph Gordon-Levitt fan?
DOUG
I like him.
JIMMY
How could you not?
Jimmy looks on to magazines, medicine cabinet, sock drawerCUT TO:
40
TIGHT ON A FLATTERING FRAMED PHOTO OF GRETCHEN
JIMMY (V.O.)
Our queen bee. We don’t sell her,
we don’t sell anybody.
40
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
39-40
REVEAL: INT. DOUG’S CONDO - HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
Framed photos lining the wall. Jimmy, still holding the
recorder, grills DougShe smart?
Very.
Job?
JIMMY
DOUG
JIMMY
DOUG
Public relations. But took a leave
to plan the wedding.
Jimmy points to a PHOTO OF GRETCHEN & DOUG WITH HER FAMILYJIMMY
In-laws ask a lot of questions?
DOUG
They’re alright. I think Ed likes
me. Lois, not so much.
JIMMY
What about grandma? Someone to
worry about?
DOUG
No. Grandma’s a sweet old lady. Not
entirely there.
Jimmy notes ALISON in the photo...the most beautiful woman
the world has ever seen, Jimmy staresJIMMY
(off Alison)
And who is that?
DOUG
Gretchen’s sister, Alison. Maid of
honor. She’s a speech therapist.
JIMMY
You had to go and make me a goddamn
priest...while you were at it you
might as well have told ‘em I got
my dick shot offJimmy keeps walking, spots another photo and smiles-
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
JIMMY (cont’d)
Now those were the days.
ANGLE ON THE FRAMED PHOTO: Right after Robert Horry’s game
winning shot in the Western Conference finals of ‘02.
DOUG
I was thereJIMMY
We were there.
What?
DOUG
JIMMY
All part of the prep. This’s the
fun part. Making History. We gotta
invent our past together. The
details are key.
DOUG
Oh, so I, we...I get it.
JIMMY
It was after freshman year, I came
to visit. Remember? We took the 63
bus to the Staples Center and
scalped those tickets.
DOUG
That’s right! And then we snuck up
to the box seats and that fat guy
with the curly moustacheJIMMY
Okay, that’s too much.
DOUG
You said the key was in the
details.
JIMMY
Yeah, but you gotta remember The
Rule of Five.
(beat)
Never go too far. You’re always
safe with three details, four is
pushing it. Five is too far.
Five’ll bite you in the ass every
goddamn time.
39A
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
41
EXT. DOUG’S CONDO - BALCONY - SUNSET
41
41
Doug & Jimmy sit across from each other, chinese take-out on
the table. Stack of flash cards in front of Jimmy, recorder
capturing everything.
DOUG
...Jill Abromowitz, freshman year.
JIMMY
Do you speak a foreign language?
DOUG
Oui, Francais.
JIMMY
Just answer the questions Tonto...
A MONTAGE OF PREPPING THROUGHOUT THE NIGHT
42
INT. DOUG’S CONDO - MORNING
42
They’ve both nodded off, flash cards everywhere. Jimmy wakes
up, looks at his watch, and SMACKS Doug upside the head.
43
EXT. THE PALMERS’ LARGE SUBURBAN HOME - DAY
43
Doug pulls up, bleary-eyed, sweating. Jimmy’s in shotgun
wearing a priest’s collar and cargo pants (Disguise #3). Doug
pounds a MONSTER Energy Drink...
DOUG
This is never gonna work.
****
JIMMY
We’ll be fine. Remember your
compliments, Boomerang, Multiply
The Bullseye.
****
****
****
DOUG
Right, Multiply The Bullseye,
random words. Any specific random
words?
****
****
****
****
JIMMY
Any random words. Just be yourself.
****
****
DOUG
But what if they start asking too
much, you hardly know me-
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
JIMMY
That’s right. Except for the fact
you prefer showers to baths, Pacman
is your favorite superhero even
though he’s not a superhero, you’re
farsighted and nearsighted, you
supinate, and prefer full moons to
sunsets, you’re afraid of raccoons,
love women’s basketball, iron your
boxers, finished 3rd on the bar
exam and will eat American but
prefer cheddar. You’re against the
designated hitter, believe in life
after death and played the violin
until you were nineteen...
41A
****
****
****
****
****
****
****
****
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
42
Doug stares speechless at Jimmy asJIMMY (cont’d)
...the same year you lost your
virginity to Jill Abromowitz.
Doug & Jimmy get out, Jimmy grabs flowers from the back.
JIMMY (cont’d)
Alright, let’s try and take this
gradually. I’m the pro, follow my
lead. Talk as little as you can.
Short answers, don’t initiate
conversation. Wi-Wo.
Wi-Wo?
DOUG
JIMMY
Wi-Wo. We’re in, we’re out.
They reach the front door.
JIMMY (cont’d)
Wait, hold up. What’s your last
name again?
DOUG
(freaked)
What?!? Harris! Doug Harris!
JIMMY
Relax, I’m bustin’ your balls. Ring
the bell...rookie.
44
INT. THE PALMERS’ HOME - DINING ROOM - LATER
44
Doug, Gretchen, Lois, Ed, Gretchen’s hot sister ALISON, 26,
and GRANDMA, 90’s, sit enraptured asJIMMY
...and woke up face down in a
snowbank. Didn’t know where I was,
not too sure who I was...I squinted
to block the blinding sun and
that’s when I saw him.
Who?
Jesus?
LOIS PALMER
JIMMY
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
GRETCHEN
You saw Jesus?
JIMMY
Lord, I did. I saw Jesus in Mary’s
arms in a nativity scene in front
of St. Michael’s. And I wept. But
they weren’t tears of pain--they
were tears of joy, from having
found the path. And from that
moment forth, I dedicated my life
to Our Lord Savior Jesus ChristEveryone stares blankly at Jimmy.
Amen?
LOIS PALMER
Jimmy nods appreciatively. Another beat of silence.
ALISON
(smelling bs)
So...father...what made you choose
the military?
JIMMY
Well...while some are called to
serve God, others are called to
serve their country. Those who’re
called to serve both... are Army
Chaplains.
ED PALMER
A priest in the military? That’s
interesting. Let me ask you
something, because I’m not that
familiar with protocol... Do they
have a don’t ask-don’t tell policy
on child molesting?
Ed LAUGHS at his own joke.
Dad!?
GRETCHEN
JIMMY
It’s okay.
(chuckles)
That’s a new one, Ed. Pretty good.
43
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
44
ED PALMER
(chewing)
Well, I try.
TIME CUT TO:
45
THE KITCHEN DOOR SWINGS OPEN...
And Edmundo walks out carrying a crock pot full of chili.
EDMUNDO
(setting it down)
Hot hot hot! Don’t touch. Okay, so
if you opt against the Russian
mushroom bisque, we can try a more
rustic theme with this Chilean
chili.
As Edmundo sets the chili down, and drops one of his hot
mitts. Alison leans over and picks it up for him...
Jimmy can’t help glancing at her cleavage--she notices him
sneaking a peak, he averts his eyes. Gretchen notices too,
huh...shrugs it offALISON
So where are you from, Bic?
JIMMY
Originally...North Dakota.
LOIS PALMER
No kidding! What town?
Henderson.
JIMMY
ED PALMER
I’ve never heard of Henderson.
JIMMY
It’s a very small town.
ED PALMER
Where is that in relation to
Bismarck?
JIMMY
Are you familiar with North Dakota?
LOIS PALMER
Ed’s Uncle has a ranch up there.
45
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
Doug blanches, Jimmy quickly coversJIMMY
It’s on the opposite side of
Bismarck.
LOIS PALMER
Bismarck’s in the middle.
JIMMY
Mrs. Palmer, people must say you
look like Rita Hayworth all the
timeLOIS PALMER
Why thank you, Father.
Doug shoots Jimmy a quick atta boy glance.
ALISON
So...Doug, when’s the last time you
two saw each other?
Doug freezes, stares at Alison dumbfounded, thenMarch?
DOUG
GRETCHEN
(confused)
March?
JIMMY
(jumping in)
March is when I left, so let’s
think. April before that I was in
the Middle East--muffin juice, but
that was after the summer I was in
training--donkey spritzer--then I
spent the other fall traveling so
gosh, must’ve been three-four-sixseven years right Doug?
Jimmy reaches for the crock pot of hot chili.
GRETCHEN
But Doug, I thought you saw Bic at
the Vatican a couple of years ago.
The rooms falls silent, everyone stares at Doug...
DOUG
I’m sorry, what?
45
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
46
GRETCHEN
When you were in Rome. I thought
you and BicDoug starts to panicDOUG
Yeah, yeah. That’s right.
(gets more nervous)
You left in March and before that-red-hot-pussy-seltzer--got it.
That’s right. Yup.
Looks of confusion as SWEAT starts pouring down Doug’s faceGRETCHEN
What was that?
GRANDMA
I think he said “red hot pussy
seltzer.”
GRETCHEN
Why would you say that, Doug?
Doug’s heart starts BEATING FAST--he’s having a meltdownDOUG
WHAT’S THIRTY FOUR TIMES TWELVE?
Sweat beads trickling down Doug’s face--Jimmy “accidentally”
dumps the crock pot on Doug whoAHHHHH!!!
DOUG (cont’d)
Jumps up from the table--knocking over the candle sticks. The
tablecloth instantly catches FIREED PALMER
JESUS CHRIST!
TIGHT ON: One of the candles rolling off the table into
Grandma’s lap.
Jimmy douses the tablecloth with his drink, crisis averted,
everyone breathes a sigh of relief...
And then: Flames WHOOSH up her Grandma’s sweater--she IGNITESMOM!!!
LOIS PALMER
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
47
GRETCHEN
OH MY GOD!!!
Grandma realizes she’s on fire, and starts to flail wildly.
AHHHH!
GRANDMA!
GRANDMA
DOUG
Doug leaps, and tackles Grandma out of her chair. Frantically
tears at her flaming sweater...
46
INT. HOSPITAL - EMERGENCY ROOM - WAITING AREA - LATER
46
Jimmy & Alison sit together. Doug’s a wreck, pacing
nervously, chili stains all over his pants. Gretchen on her
phone, texting...
DOUG
She caught fire so fast.
ALISON
She does go through like three cans
of Aquanet a week.
DOUG
Bic, we should pray for her.
Jimmy shoots a quick WTF glare at Doug asJIMMY
Of course.
(bows his head)
Dear Jesus, Divine Healer of the
sick, we turn to you in this our
time of illness. O comforter of
the...burned.
Alison eyes Jimmy as Doug watches nervously.
JIMMY (cont’d)
We place Grandma under your care
and humbly ask that you restore her
back to health just as you restored
Moses and Noah and Abraham in the
days of ole. And let us say...
Amen.
ALISON & JIMMY
Alison sits back. Jimmy crosses himself, adds a hit and run.
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
48
ALISON
I don’t remember Noah being sick.
JIMMY
You kidding? Forty days on that
boat in the rain? All those
animals. He was sick as a dog.
Or two.
Huh?
Pairs ofNice one.
ALISON
JIMMY
ALISON
JIMMY
Jimmy eyes Alison, smiles, she smiles back...they hold the
look. There’s a connection here.
TIME CUT TO:
47
WAITING AREA - MOMENTS LATER
Ed walks out of the ER. Gretchen stands, Doug rushes over,
panickedDOUG
What’d they say? Is she okay? Is
she going to make it?
ED PALMER
(grim)
Well...Gretchen, how do you like
your Grandma?
GRETCHEN
(concerned)
Why would you even ask me that? I
love her-you know I do. What
happened?
ED PALMER
No, I mean how do you like her?
Medium, well-done...
Ed lets out a gut-busting LAUGH.
GRETCHEN
Dad, you can be such an asshole.
47
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
ALISON
But a very funny asshole.
Alison winks at Jimmy.
They both laugh.
ED PALMER
She has some minor burns. But, the
doctor says she’s going to be fine.
DOUG
(relieved)
Thank God.
Amen.
JIMMY
DOUG
I feel so awfulED PALMER
Shake it off. If you knew what the
old lady says behind your back
you’d’ve done it on purpose. But
lemme say that was a helluva tackle
for a tenderfoot.
JIMMY
Tenderfoot? Should’ve seen Douglas
in college. He was one heckuva
halfback.
ED PALMER
You played football, Doug? How come
you never told me? I thought you
were just a nerd fan?
DOUG
Well I didn’t exactly(beat, modest)
Just intramurals...made the allcampus team.
ED PALMER
No shit!
(to Jimmy)
I was an all-conference nose
tackle. Half the team’s coming in
for the wedding. How ‘bout a
friendly game of two hand touch?
Old-timers versus The Groomsmen?
What do ya say?
49
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
50
JIMMY
Really? Well, hmmm, quite an
invitation, Ed, but the weekend’s
already so packed, I’m afraid there
might not be timeED PALMER
What’s wrong, Bic? Afraid of
getting your asses kicked by some
old timers?
A second... and then a smile.
JIMMY
I don’t think so, pops!
47A
INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER
Doug and Jimmy walk down the hallway, Doug rattled, Jimmy
looks at himJIMMY
You alright?
DOUG
I don’t know. It sort of hit me
back there-what we’re doing.
JIMMY
(nods)
Stage One. After the first
deception, the conscience becomes
troubled. You’ll get used to it.
(beat)
Woulda been nice to know about the
Vatican before lunch.
DOUG
I know, I’m sorry. I forgot.
JIMMY
But all things considered, not that
bad for a Shotgun Intro.
DOUG
Not that bad?
(laughs)
I don’t know if you remember but
about two hours ago, I set
Gretchen’s grandmother on fire.
47A
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
51
JIMMY
Wrong!! We sacrificed grandma to
protect the mission.
DOUG
But I feel terribleJIMMY
Feelings are irrelevant in the big
con. What’s important is that our
cover wasn’t blown. Every test we
encounter will be the same-pass/fail. As long as we pass,
doesn’t matter how we do it. People
believe because they have no reason
not to.
48
EXT. ARNIE’S WORLD OF FUN - LATER
****
****
****
48
Doug and Jimmy walking in past the batting cagesDOUG
You know, I still can’t believe
they bought all that.
Jimmy stops walking, turns to DougJIMMY
People believe because they have no
reason not to. But we’re gonna have
to be at the top of our game--those
people are sharp. We got a ton of
prep to do if we’re gonna bring
this one home...
Jimmy leads Doug on to the picnic tables...
JIMMY (cont’d)
Fellas! Look-who’s-herrrrreeeee!
Our GROOMSMEN--Fitzgibbons The Batting Coach, Lurch, Reggie,
Bronstein, Kip, Otis, and Endo...they look like the crew from
Cuckoo’s NestThey look up from their pizza and beerFITZGIBBONS THE BATTING COACH
Dougie!!! You look great!
REGGIE
You lose weight?
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
ENDO
You had to lose weightDoug freezes up, overwhelmed as the groomsmen approach,
patting him on the back, pumping his hand...
51A
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
JIMMY
Fellas, ease up, calm down. Give’m
some room, let’m breathe...
DOUG
Who are these people? Why are they
talking to me like they know me, IJIMMY
Relax, Tonto. Meet your groomsmen.
Hey Doug.
LURCH
Fitzgibbons hands Doug a beer.
FITZGIBBONS THE BATTING COACH
How you been bro?
DOUG
(unsure)
Good...real good...
(takes a sip)
You?
FITZGIBBONS THE BATTING COACH
You know. Same ol, same ol.
Doug nervously takes another sip.
DOUG
That’s good. Glad to hear it.
The ragtag crew stares at each other, awkward...
Um, Jimmy?
DOUG (cont’d)
Everyone CRINGESJIMMY
What’s the matter with you? My name
is Bic. Bic Bic Bic. You hear
anyone else calling me Jimmy?
Okay, Bic-
DOUG
Doug turns Jimmy around, takes a step away, whispersDOUG (cont’d)
Those guys can’t be my groomsmen.
52
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
53
JIMMY
What’re you talking about?
DOUG
I mean, look at those guys. No
offense, but they don’t look right.
That guy’s got his dick out.
Jimmy turns to Endo, everyone LAUGHING at himJIMMY
Come on, Endo, you gotta come up
with a better party trick.
DOUG
(looking closer)
Does he have three testicles?
JIMMY
Look, I didn’t have a lot of time
to work with, okay? You gave me
seven names, I got you seven
groomsmen. So relax, these guys are
professionals.
GROOMSMEN
GO! GO! GO! GO! GO!
Doug watches mortified as Bronstein pounds FRENCH FRIESDORIS (O.S.)
Knock it off, Bronstein!
Everyone turns to see Doris approaching, holding a stack of
MANILA PACKETSDORIS (cont’d)
Quit acting like a buncha dumb
amateur motherfuckers!
JIMMY
Alright, fellas. Listen up! We got
Dickerson!
Doris tosses a packet to the nebbishy Bronstein...
NOTE: From this point on, our groomsmen will be known by
their new names--ie, BRONSTEIN will now be known as DICKERSONDORIS
You’re a lounge singer from Canada.
You perform four nights a week at
The Walleye Nook.
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
DOUG
And you do a mean Tom Jones.
JIMMY
We’re not Making History right now.
Relax, we’re just assigning roles.
We’ll get into the ancillary
particulars later, alright?
DOUG
Okay, right. Got it. Proceed.
Garvey!
JIMMY
A packet to Lurch...
DORIS
You’re a botanist. You and Doug
went to camp together from sixth
grade through tenth.
Rambis!
JIMMY
A packet to the nut job Endo...
DORIS
You’re a principal at St. Peters
Middle School in Provo, Utah. And
you’re a regional racquetball
champion. Lefty. Good serve.
JIMMY
Why would you make something like
that up?
DOUG
I just, I-Gretchen asked what he
did.
JIMMY
Okay, Plunkett!
A packet to Fitzgibbons...
DORIS
You’re a lawyer. You specialize in
Environmental Law with a focus on
forestry.
Carew!
JIMMY
54
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
55
A packet to the cheesy model, Kip...
DORIS
You’re a podiatrist in Knoxville.
Divorced, no kids. Dougie’s always
thought you were a closet case.
Doug turns to Carew, quietly...
DOUG
Everyone else seems a little off,
but you actually look pretty normalCAREW
Thank you, Doug...I’m very excited
to be...
(starts twitching)
...here for you...
Drysdale!
JIMMY
A packet to Reggie...
DORIS
You teach philosophy at Bardonia
Community College. You’re a vegan.
PLUNKETT
Does pussy count as meat?
Doris SLAPS him.
DORIS
(back to Reggie)
And you’re working on your first
book called The Way of Wonderers.
Alzado!
JIMMY
The final packet to Otis...
DORIS
You’re a computer programmer. You
and Doug met at a conference in
Baton Rouge.
BACK ON DOUG
Staring at his crew as they look each other over, feeling out
their new identities.
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
ALZADO
(to Drysdale)
You want to trade?
JIMMY
Damnit, Alzado, no trading.
ALZADO
But I hate computers.
55A
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
JIMMY
Knock it off.
(to Doug)
Anything else?
DOUG
Um...yeah, Plunkett’s in a
wheelchair. Got hit by a car.
PLUNKETT
What?!? I thought I was going to
crush ass!!!
JIMMY
(ignoring him)
Those packets contain initial
breakdowns of Doug’s key bio info.
You’ll get updates as Doris
prepares ‘em. They also include
what you need to learn about
yourselves including go-to subjects
and bail-outs. Double-check your
measurements and perfect your
PTD’s.
(off Doug’s look)
Party Trick Distractions.
RAMBIS
(in Cockney accent)
Can I do my Cockney accent?
DORIS
You’re a principal in Utah, why the
fuck would you have a Cockney
accent?
RAMBIS
(back to normal)
I could’ve moved thereJIMMY
Hey. Listen up. We go on the clock
Thursday night. You’ll check into
the Biltmore in intervals between
six PM and midnight. The
walkthrough and rehearsal dinner
are Friday night. Saturday
afternoon’s the big show.
(beat)
Everything else you need to know is
in your packets. These packets do
not leave your sight gentlemen.
(MORE)
56
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
57
JIMMY (cont'd)
They will be collected upon
completion and destroyed. Any
questions?
The groomsmen nod approvingly, except for Drysdale who flips
through his packet, concernedDRYSDALE
Wait, when’s the bachelor party?
Everyone stares at Doug.
DOUG
Well, uh, Gretchen and I, we feltJIMMY
Stop. Listen. There’s no such thing
as a mutual decision until after
you’re married. Until then, the
only “we”...
THE GROOMSMEN
IS ME AND MY BALLS!
JIMMY
(nods, appreciatively)
Fellas, you got one week to know
this information so well that it
becomes a permanent part of your
memory. One week to pull off...The
Golden Tux. Now, gentlemen. Let’s
go make some fucking history!
MUSIC KICKS IN OVER THE MAKING HISTORY SEQUENCE:
49
INT. DENTIST OFFICE - DAY
49
Several PATIENTS sit reading magazines. Doug, Rambis & Alzado
flop in, dressed in full scuba gearRAMBIS
(nods to a patient)
Ma’am.
They squat on the opposite side of the AQUARIUM while Jimmy
takes pictures through the glass.
50
EXT. ALLEY - DAY
50
Doug, Carew & Drysdale in tank tops, running shorts and
sneakers stand together as Jimmy pins numbers to their chests
and Dickerson spritzes them with water.
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
58
DICKERSON
They’re coming!
JIMMY
Alright, go!!!
Doug, Carew & Drysdale run out of the alley as a herd of
MARATHONERS run past. Plunkett snaps pictures as our guys
cross the finish line, Drysdale high-stepping the last few
yards...
51
INT. SMALL AIRPLANE - DAY
51
Rambis, Doug & Plunkett crouch together wearing goggles,
jumpsuits and backpacks. All three give enthusiastic thumbs
up to the camera as Jimmy takes the shot while holding a LEAF
BLOWERREVEAL: INT. SANTA MONICA FLYING MUSEUM
MUSEUM PATRONS give curious glances to the DISPLAY PLANE as
our guys climb out of it...
52
EXT. A SHEET OF ICE - DAY
52
Doug holds on to TWO ICE AXES LODGE IN THE ICE, a rope
leading off from him down to Plunkett, also with ICE AXES,
looking up, gritting his teethREVEAL: They’re at an ice rink, lying horizontally on the ice
facing the camera, not vertical at all. Carew SNAPPING PICS.
A GROUP OF FIGURE SKATERS watching them, weirded out.
53
INT. BOWLING ALLEY - DAY
53
Plunkett snaps shots of the guys bowling, keeping score,
knocking back beers. As Dickerson prepares to bowl--Doug runs
up and depantses him.
Hey!!!
DICKERSON
And OFF Plunkett snapping pictures while the guys laugh and
trade hi-fives...Doug is in the middle of it all, highfiving, having the time of his life, surrounded by friends.
MUSIC FADES AS WE
DISSOLVE TO:
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
54
BRIDE & GROOM DOLLS ON A WEDDING CAKE
59
54
A hand reaches in and makes the GROOM doll mount the BRIDE
doll--pushes her into the cake.
Doug!
GRETCHEN (O.S.)
REVEAL: INT. EDMUNDO’S OFFICE - DAY
Edmundo and Lois are in the bg, Edmundo fidgets with her hairDoug looks up from his doll reenactment, grinning like a
little kid as Gretchen sees what he’s doingGRETCHEN (cont’d)
(giggles)
What’re you doing?
DOUG
Just practicing for...
Doug reveals TWO FIRST CLASS TICKETS!
Tahiti?!
GRETCHEN
DOUG
Only Fodor’s # 1 most romantic
honeymoon destination.
Amazing!
GRETCHEN
DOUG
It’s gonna be incredible.
Doug dabs some frosting on her nose, kisses her.
GRETCHEN
What’s gotten into you this past
week? I’ve never seen you this
friskyDOUG
I don’t know, I just feel great.
Think about it, we’re getting
married on Saturday. It’s going to
be incredible! All your friends,
all my friends...everyone in the
same place!
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
60
GRETCHEN
I just hope things go smoothly. I
checked the 10-day forecastDOUG
Don’t worry, honey, it’s not gonna
rain, it’s LA.
GRETCHEN
Why would you even say that?
DOUG
What? I, I didn’t say it would
rain, I said it wouldn’tGRETCHEN
You used the “r” word.
Doug massages her shoulders.
DOUG
The flowers will look great, the
food will taste delicious.
Everything’s going to be perfect.
Once we sign the wedding license
tomorrow, it’s smooth sailing.
And OFF Gretchen watching curiously as Doug licks the
frosting off the head of the bride...
55
EXT. COURTHOUSE - DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES - DAY
Alison sits next to Jimmy, her skirt rides up a bit. Jimmy
glances around, fighting the urge to check her out...
ALISON
So, Bic. I’m curious about
something. Tell me the dirt on DougJIMMY
Oh, I couldn’t.
ALISON
Oh, c’mon. I like Doug, but he has
to have some skeletons in his
closet. He’s such a mystery.
JIMMY
If by mystery, you mean
interesting, then yes...he’s a
remarkable fellow. He’s like an
onion, one just has to peel back
the layers...
55
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
Alison stares at Jimmy as he breathes in the city air...
60A
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
Yo Jimmy!
61
OLD DRUNK MAN (O.S.)
Jimmy spots an OLD DRUNK MAN waving enthusiastically from
across the street.
ALISON
Do you know that guy?
JIMMY
He’s not talking to me.
ALISON
Well he’s coming over hereThe Old Drunk Man crosses the street. Heads straight for
Jimmy & Alison. Jimmy tenses, looking for a way outOLD DRUNK MAN
Callahan, I thought you wereDOUG (O.S.)
AHHHHH!!!!!
Doug comes flying out of nowhere with a BLIND-SIDE TACKLE!
Levels the Old Drunk Man.
Doug!!!
GRETCHEN
ON-LOOKERS gawk as Jimmy rushes over to Doug & the Old Drunk
Man sprawled on the sidewalk. Jimmy kneels down next to the
Old Drunk Man, urgently whispersJIMMY
Damnit Earl, I’m working a gig!
OLD DRUNK MAN
(low)
I’m sorry, Jimmy, I’m so sorryJIMMY
Get the fuck outta here!
The Old Drunk Man scrambles to his feet and rushes off.
56
EXT. COURTHOUSE STEPS - MOMENTS LATER
Jimmy leads Doug back to Gretchen & Alison.
GRETCHEN
Oh my God, Doug!!! What happened?!?
56
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
62
Jimmy brushes off Doug’s back.
DOUG
I thought he had a knifeThat guy?
ALISON
JIMMY
(to the bystanders)
It’s okay. Everything’s under
control, God bless.
GRETCHEN
Ohmygod--did he? Are you okay?
DOUG
I’m fine, hon. Just protecting my
bride.
GRETCHEN
Wow, my knight in shining armor.
Okay, well...come on then, we’re
late.
And as Jimmy & Doug follow the girls, they slap a lo-five.
57
INT. BEST MAN INC - JIMMY’S OFFICE - LATER
57
The room’s been transformed. Table and chairs set up in the
middle. The walls completely covered with photos, info &
stats--like a serial killer’s den. And in the middle of
everything--posterboards, one for each player-DOUG, BIC, GRETCHEN, LOIS, ED, ALISON, GRANDMA, PLUNKETT,
CAREW, DICKERSON, RAMBIS, GARVEY, DRYSDALE & ALZADOJIMMY (O.S.)
Let’s hammer out this toast...
Jimmy--legal pad in front of him--sits with Doug while the
groomsmen sit scattered through the room in pairs quizzing
each other with flash cards.
JIMMY (cont’d)
They’re gonna want to hear how you
knew she was The One. Like a band
playing their most popular song,
the crowd’s waiting for it. Start
with the first time you saw her.
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
DOUG
I don’t know, I uh...I thought she
was pretty...
JIMMY
If I’m gonna bring down the house,
I need a little more than that. Why
do you love her? Why are you
marrying her? What makes her
different than all the girls you’ve
ever met?
DOUG
(after a beat)
She talked to me.
JIMMY
That’s it? She talked to you?
DOUG
What? It’s true. I don’t know why.
Her dad was a client of the firm.
I’d met her a couple of times and
she didn’t give me the time of day.
And then I ran into her one time
and she was just...different. She
knew my name. She asked me if I
wanted to grab a sandwich.
Jimmy stares at Doug for a beat. Starts to laugh.
JIMMY
A sandwich? C’mon, gimme something
I can use. Your knees buckled, you
couldn’t breathe...
DOUG
But that’s not real.
Jimmy stares at Doug for a beat then looks over at the
groomsmen, quizzing each other with flash cards.
JIMMY
Alright Tonto. You wanna see real?
(to the groomsmen)
Fellas, we’ll be back in an hour.
Doug and Jimmy standALZADO
Hey, Dougie! Hold up!
(beat)
(MORE)
63
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
64
ALZADO (cont'd)
You still owe me fifty bucks from
that card game at the Getting Into
The Flow Conference Senior Year.
Doug hesitates--looks to Jimmy, unsure if he’s serious.
JIMMY
(shrugs)
What’re you looking at me for,
you’re the one who hit on 18.
Doug reaches for his wallet, Jimmy turns to GarveyJIMMY (cont’d)
Oh yeah, and Garvey, we’re gonna
need your van.
What?
58
GARVEY
EXT. LATINO NEIGHBORHOOD - LATER
58
Doug and Jimmy at the front door of a single-story clapboard.
Jimmy rings the doorbell. From inside, we hear someone
SCREAMING at the TV in Spanish.
Yo!
JIMMY
The door swings open--it’s Edmundo. But he’s wearing a wifebeater and a pair of jeans. Dos Equiis in one hand, remote in
the other. He stares at Jimmy and Doug--tosses his beer aside
and opens his arms, flamboyantEDMUNDO
What a delightful surprise! But I
wish you’d called first, my place
is a such a pig styEdmundo suppresses a BELCH.
JIMMY
It’s cool, Eddie. He’s one of us.
DOUG
What the hell is going on here?!?
EDMUNDO
(natural Mexican accent to
Jimmy)
Yeah, what the fuck, cabron?
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
JIMMY
Doug, meet Dirty Eddie SanchezJimmy turns to Doug who’s flabbergasted-
64A
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
65
JIMMY (cont’d)
Eddie’s family’s wedding planning
business was one of the biggest in
the city. But after Father of the
Bride, no one wanted input from a
Mexican kid from Boyle Heights. So
Eddie decided to flame it up. And
so, Edmundo was born.
Edmundo goes limp wrist with the remote. SmilesEDMUNDO
Ta-Daaaa.
(to the TV)
Oh come on you cocksucker! Give’m a
fuckin yellow card!
Doug stares at Edmundo. Shakes his head, starts to laughDOUG
This is so messed up.
59
INT. EDMUNDO’S HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER
Jimmy and Doug sit on the couch opposite Edmundo, who is
packing a bong...
EDMUNDO
So esse, why’d you bring ‘im here?
JIMMY
Kid’s in Stage Two. He’s taking
this wedding thing too seriously...
feeling guilty about pulling one
over on Gretchen. Wanted to open
his eyes.
EDMUNDO
Look, cabron. Weddings are just
overblown parties derived from
women’s unreasonable fantasies and
preconceived notions that originate
in childhood. You ask me, vato,
it’s all one big fuckin joke. As
the man, you gotta just SHOW up,
not fuck up, and get OUTTA there.
So don’t sweat the morality of what
you’re doing. All that matters, is
the bride and her mother are happy.
We in this together, holmes.
Doug notes a GORGEOUS LATINA walking through the bg-
59
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
DOUG
That your girl?
Edmundo looks at Doug strangelyEDMUNDO
Fuck no, man. That’s my sister.
ANGEL, a tatted-up, bald headed, handle-bar-mustachioed bad
ass gangster walks out of the bedroom in jockey briefs-EDMUNDO (cont’d)
(at his man, Angel)
That’s my girl.
ANGEL
Y’all want some nachos?
Doug looks on, stunnedEDMUNDO
No, man. Guy’s getting married in a
week.
ANGEL
I’m sorry, I’m just being fucking
courteous.
EDMUNDO
Well use your head(back to the guys, shakes
his head)
Bitches. You guys wanna smoke some
weed?
Jimmy shrugs, looks at DougDOUG
Uh, no-no thanks.
EDMUNDO
Suit yourself. You guys better not
fuck this up.
Doug stares, frozen. Shakes his headDOUG
You guys are fuckin crazy.
JIMMY
Oh, we’re just getting started.
66
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
60
67
EXT. HOTEL BANQUET AREA - MARINA - DINNER TIME (WEDDING #2)60
Black-tie guests mill about, music plays.
DOUG (O.S.)
I hate this stuff.
REVEAL: EXT. PATIO - BY THE BAR - CONTINUOUS (WEDDING #2)
Doug & Jimmy, both in tuxes and mustaches, wait for their
drinks. Doug glances around nervouslyJIMMY
That’s why we’re here. Groom
Desensitization.
Jimmy hands Doug a drinkJIMMY (cont’d)
Jack & Coke. I believe it’s your
favorite?
It is. Doug takes the drink. Jimmy leads him through the roomJIMMY (cont’d)
Keep reminding yourself, weddings
are for the women. You’re not
supposed to enjoy it. If you were,
there’d be big screen TVs and
gambling. N-A-S.
What?
DOUG
JIMMY
Nod-And-Smile. That’s all you gotta
do.
They walk off, nodding and smilingCUT TO:
61
INT. BANQUET HALL - MARINA - MOMENTS LATER (WEDDING #2)
61
Doug and Jimmy sit at a table, taking in the scene...A WAITER
stops by their table...
WAITER
You working this one, Jimmy?
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
68
JIMMY
Jesus, PJ, c’mon! It’s Arlo. I’m
doing a little groom
desensitization here.
WAITER
Picked a winner, Arlo. Lot of ass.
They all look in different directions...
JIMMY
I’m seeing it.
The waiter walks away.
DOUG
It’s amazing nobody rats you out.
JIMMY
This is a business, Doug. A good
wedding means good references...
everyone gets hired again.
THE BEST MAN (O.S.)
The moment Chris called me...
Doug & Jimmy turn to watch THE BEST MAN, late 20’s, good ol’
boy, as he pulls a folded speech out of his pocket...
THE BEST MAN (cont’d)
(cocky)
...and asked me to be his best man,
I sat down and wrote a really
awesome speech, but the truth
is...I’d rather speak from the
heart.
The Best Man tears up the speech.
THE BEST MAN (cont’d)
I’ve known Chris since uh...since
we were in uh...
The Best Man starts to lock up...wipes sweat from his brow,
suddenly uncomfortable standing in front of everyone.
JIMMY
(to himself)
C’mon, c’mon. He’s your boy, you’d
die for him...
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
69
THE BEST MAN
We used to you know, do things
together...walk places. Throw
stuff, and uh...
The Best Man starts sweating. Panic wells...
THE BEST MAN (cont’d)
We even did other things...we both
love pizzaHe trails off...stares at the crowd, done for.
JIMMY
This guy’s worthless.
The Best Man starts gathering the scraps of the speech he
tore up, trying to piece them back together. The guests avert
their eyes from the carnage--embarrassed for him. He can’t
put the pieces back together--stands suddenlyTHE BEST MAN
Fuck it. Just fuck it. I love you
man! Wolverines!
As the entire place sits stunned--the BAND LEADER grabs the
mic, SNAPS at his bandBAND LEADER
Okay! 1-2-3...
(sings)
Ain’t no mountain high enough...
The Best Man scurries off. Jimmy chugs his drinkJIMMY
Let’s dance.
No thanks.
Douglas.
What?
DOUG
JIMMY
DOUG
JIMMY
You can hide a fat ass with baggy
pants but you can’t hide a bad
dancer. Now c’mon, I’ll teach you
some basics.
Jimmy grabs Doug’s arm.
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
70
DOUG
I’m not dancing with you.
Jimmy grabs THREE SHOTS off a passing tray, finishes one, and
hands two to Doug.
JIMMY
My job is to make you look good on
your wedding day. You need to get
comfortable being uncomfortable.
This is the lion’s den. Let’s goDOUG
Don’t be ridiculous. I’m not
dancing with you and I’m DEFINITELY
not doing shots with you.
JIMMY
Come on ya big pussy. What’re you
afraid of. Do the shots. PUSS-Y!
PUSS-Y! PUSS-Y!
It’s clear that Jimmy isn’t going to let this go. Doug eyes
the shots. Uncomfortable with the peer pressure... would hate
to cause a scene... fuck it!
Doug slams the shots.
TIME CUT TO:
62
THE DANCE FLOOR (WEDDING #2)
62
Stops. Turns and faces Doug.
You lead.
No.
JIMMY
DOUG
JIMMY
Fine. You want to be the chick?
I’ll lead.
A TANGO starts. Doug sighs--then raises his shoulders,
straightens into dancing form and takes hold of Jimmy. And as
Jimmy’s eyes go wide--Doug spins him into placeAND THEY DANCE
JIMMY (cont’d)
Nice rondejon.
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
71
Doug spins Jimmy...
DOUG
Twelve years of lessons.
Pulls him close...
DOUG (cont’d)
My Mom said one day I’d thank her.
I don’t think this is what she had
in mind.
They tango across the floor...
DOUG (cont’d)
You asked me how a gal like
Gretchen fell for a yutz like me?
Doug dips Jimmy...
DOUG (cont’d)
I took her dancing.
CUT TO:
The MOTHER OF THE GROOM turns to THE FATHER OF THE GROOMMOTHER OF THE GROOM
Look at how that gay couple can
dance. They’re all so talented...
those gaysFATHER OF THE GROOM
They must be HER friends.
CUT TO:
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
72
MUSIC changes abruptly to GREASE’S BORN TO HAND JIVE...
Doug gets Jimmy into the HAND JIVING...
CUT TO:
The MUSIC changes abruptly to TEACH HOW ME TO DOUGIEAnd Doug responds, leading Jimmy in a perfect DougieCUT TO:
The MUSIC changes to a NEW AGE NUMBER.
And Doug responds, leading Jimmy in a new age dance.
CUT TO:
The MUSIC changes to a FAST TEMPO SING SING SWING DANCEAnd in perfect time, switches to a SWING, the money number,
he shoots Jimmy under his legs--yanks him back up...
WOOOOO!
GUESTS
Jimmy falls into Doug’s arms. They look up, smiling and out
of breath--the entire room is CHEERING for them.
DISSOLVE TO:
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
63
EXT. POOL - LATER (WEDDING #2)
73
63
Doug & Jimmy, bow-ties undone, shoes off, recline on lounge
chairs sharing a snagged bottle of Jack.
JIMMY
...I was 24, 25, didn’t have a job,
had no idea what I was gonna do
with my life...I was a little lost,
you know. But I get a call out of
nowhere from this guy, Rory, who I
went to school with--a guy I barely
remembered--telling me he got
engaged, and I was like, “great,
congratulations...” And then he
asked me to be his best man...
DOUG
Wow... This wasn’t a friend of
yours?
JIMMY
No. He was this super nerd I once
picked first for my gym class
basketball team cause I thought
it’d make him feel good. For me, it
didn’t make a difference, but
apparently it changed his life...
DOUG
Yeah, I could see thatJIMMY
Anyway, I was like, I don’t even
really know this fucking guy, but
what am I gonna say--I decided, you
know what, what’s the worst thing,
I get dressed up, eat some tasty
food, score a bridesmaid. So I show
up, and his entire wedding party
was me, the bride’s brother and
some Filipino exchange student. And
two hundred people are looking at
this poor schmuck like, “how could
she marry this loser?” So I get up
and take the mic--granted I’ve had
a few cocktails--but I make a
speech. Told stories of how Rory
and I used to climb the Himalayans,
fish for sharks, how he saved my
life in a bar brawl--I mean total
bullshit, but I look over and see
his bride squeezing his arm,
glowing.
(MORE)
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
JIMMY (cont'd)
Her parents proud that her daughter
was marrying this amazing guy. I
had everyone clapping, in tears.
And someone came up to me after and
said, “man, I would pay money to
have someone say things like that
at my wedding...” so I thought,
“how much?” And that’s the day this
whole hustle started...that’s the
day I became...The Wedding Ringer.
One wedding turned into five, word
spread and five turned into
twenty...next thing I know--I’ve
built a nice little business for
myself---JIMMY (cont’d)
You ever see that movie, The
Wedding Singer?
Yeah?
DOUG
JIMMY
Well...I became The Wedding Ringer.
Doug nods to himself, sighs, looks around...
DOUG
Look, uh, Bic. I don’t want you to
think I’m some sort of putz who,
you know, doesn’t have any
friends...
(keeps rambling)
My father was an international tax
attorney, so my family moved around
a lot. I attended 13 schools by the
8th grade and lived on 4
continents. So, after a while I
didn’t even attempt to make any
friends because I knew I would soon
just have to move again. When my
father died, I took over the
business. I was working too much
and had no time to make friends.
(beat)
Am I a loser?
Jimmy polishes off the bottle.
74
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
75
JIMMY
No, no. Some guys are just loners.
It’s cool.
DOUG
But sometimes I wish I wasn’t. I
wish I had someone to hangout with.
Grab a beer...I dunno...take an
awesome guy trip somewhere.
JIMMY
You never went on a guy trip?
Really?
DOUG
Yeah. Really.
JIMMY
Cabo? Fucking Cancun? You never
went on Spring break?
DOUG
No. I never really had anyone to go
with...
Doug stares off.
JIMMY
C’mon, let’s get you out of here.
Jimmy tries to help Doug up. Doug grabs Jimmy’s arm--Jimmy
loses his balance. Slips and splashes into the pool. Doug
howls with laughter.
JIMMY (cont’d)
C’mere you little shit!
Jimmy scrambles out of the pool as Doug scampers away...
64
INT. HOTEL - CONTINUOUS (WEDDING #2)
64
Looking in through the floor-to-ceiling window...Jimmy picks
up Doug and dives into the pool with him, wrestling,
splashing and laughing...
REVEAL: The Father and Mother of the Groom watchingFATHER OF THE GROOM
I will say, those gays really know
how to live in the moment, enjoy
life-
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
76
MOTHER OF THE GROOM
Why don’t we ever go nightswimming?
FATHER OF THE GROOM
I’d love to wrestle you in the
pool, Susan.
MOTHER OF THE GROOM
I would love that too.
A silent beat, the couple looks at each other, tiredMOTHER OF THE GROOM (cont’d)
Shall we go watch Breaking Bad?
FATHER OF THE GROOM
Yeah. I hope they have AMC.
DISSOLVE TO:
65
EXT. DOUG’S CONDO - LATER
Jimmy rolls up in his car. Puts it in park.
JIMMY
G’night, Tonto.
DOUG
Yeah. Good night, Father Bic.
Thanks. Tonight was a good time.
Jimmy holds out his fist--Doug awkwardly slaps it five.
JIMMY
Just doing my job.
Doug gets out, clothes still wet, he’s wrapped in towelsDOUG
It’s uh, well it’s nice to finally
have someone looking out for me.
JIMMY
Yeah, yeah. I got your back.
DOUG
Cool, I like that. And I got your
back too, man.
Jimmy looks away.
DOUG (cont’d)
What? Is something wrong?
65
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
JIMMY
Look Tonto, you’re a great guy and
all but this is a business
relationship. This isn’t I Love
You, Man. We don’t become friends.
here. That’s not how this story
ends. I’m the LONE ranger.
Remember?
Doug’s face falls. He starts backing away...
JIMMY (cont’d)
I’m an employee with a job to do.
Doug nods to himself.
DOUG
I get it. You’re not my friend.
You’re just the Best Man.
Doug walks away. Jimmy hops out of the car, calls outJIMMY
C’mon, think about it. In a week,
Bic’s flying back to the Middle
East and three months from now he’s
gonna be killed in a tragic grenade
attack while giving an impromptu
sermon from the back of a humvee to
wounded allies.
DOUG
That’s five details.
Doug turns and walks away.
JIMMY
Look man, it doesn’t mean we’re not
gonna have a good timeDoug turns back aroundDOUG
No, I get it.
(beat)
You’re anybody’s best friend for a
price, but nobody’s when it counts.
STAY ON Jimmy’s face as Doug walks away...
77
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
66
INT. BEST MAN INC - JIMMY’S OFFICE - EARLY NEXT MORNING
78
66
Jimmy sits at his desk, flipping through a dossier of Doug’s
pictures & info. Doris pokes her head in.
G’morning.
DORIS
Jimmy nods, doesn’t look up.
DORIS (cont’d)
Everything okay? What’s the matter
with you?
JIMMY
I don’t know...
DORIS
I never expected the Jimmy Callahan
to get all...soft-eyed, over a
client.
JIMMY
No, no, no. It’s not like that.
It’s...I’m just exhausted. All I do
is go from job to job saving these
losers with no friends.
DORIS
Losers? They’re not losers, they’re
just guys. And guys don’t need
friends. They don’t share their
private, deep-emotional feelings
with each other like women do.
(beat)
Women are nurturers. We’re always
there for each other. We sit and
listen to each other’s problems.
Which is why we’re always so
miserable. From all the goddamn
listening. You should count your
blessings.
A beat, thenJIMMY
I still think they’re losers.
DORIS
Maybe you’re right. What the hell
do I know? I’m just a woman. But,
let me ask you this. If you ever
found a woman stupid enough to
marry you...
(MORE)
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
79
DORIS (cont'd)
(off Jimmy’s smile)
Who’d be your best man?
Jimmy’s smile fades. Doris knows she’s hit a nerve.
DORIS (cont’d)
This all started because you wanted
to make a guy feel good. You
remember how good you felt the
first time you did this? But you
lost that, you’ve become jaded with
all your rules. You forgot what got
you into this business in the first
place, the ability to be a friend,
to change someone’s life.
(beat)
Now we’ve got less than a week to
pull off a flawless Golden Tux, so
stop crying like a little bitch,
strap on a pair, and get your ass
back in the saddle.
Doris walks out.
67
EXT. DOUG’S OFFICE BUILDING - DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES - DAY
67
Doug walks out of his building. Starts to cross the street-A BIG PICK-UP SCREECHES to a halt, dubs spinning. Plunkett &
Drysdale jump out wearing ski-masks. Doug freezes--terrified.
PLUNKETT
Doug Harris?
DOUG
(freaking out)
Uh-uh-yeah?
Plunkett shoves a PILLOW CASE over Doug’s head as Drysdale
ZIP-CUFFS his hands behind his back. Doug kicks wildlyDOUG (cont’d)
(muffled)
STOP! HELP! HELP ME! I’M NOT DOUG
HARRIS! I’M NOT DOUG HARRIS!!!
Doug punts Drysdale in the nuts. He crumples. Plunkett grabs
the squirming Doug and tosses him into
THE BACK OF THE PICK-UP
Doug thrashes--thumping against the floor.
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
80
DOUG (cont’d)
(muffled)
PLEASE! WHAT DID I DO?!?
The pick-up lurches forward. Doug rolls backwards--SLAMS
against the cargo door which flies open--and tumbles out onto
OLYMPIC BOULEVARD
Doug, pillow-cased & zip-cuffed, rolls to a stop. Gets up,
running. Plunkett & Drysdale leap out of the pick-up as
DOUG
Sprints blindly across the busy street like a chicken with
his head cut off.
DOUG (cont’d)
(muffled)
HELP! SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!
Cars, taxis & buses HONK and swerve as Doug miraculously
avoids one collision after another.
Shit.
PLUNKETT
Plunkett genuflects and cautiously runs into the street,
holding his arms up to stop trafficDOUG (O.S.)
(muffled)
I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED!!!
DOUG
Safely makes it across the streetDOUG (cont’d)
(muffled)
OH MY GOD, SOMEBODY PLEASEWHAM! Doug trips into the curb and FACEPLANTS!
68
LONG SHOT - BRIDGE OVER THE LA RIVER - DUSK
68
Doug--pillow-cased & zip-cuffed--bounces up and down in the
rear of the pick-up, totally defeated.
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
69
EXT. ARNIE’S WORLD OF FUN - PARTY AREA - DARK
81
69
Doug kneeling on the ground, shaking under the sack.
DOUG
(muffled)
Please...don’t hurt me. I’m getting
married...I’ve got lots of money.
As the sack is whisked offVOICES
SURPRISE!!!
70
REVEAL: EXT. ARNIE’S WORLD OF FUN - PARTY AREA - NIGHT
70
THE LIGHTS HUMFPH UP, ILLUMINATING...
The whole outdoor fun area EXPLODING with people--the
groomsmen and a DOZEN PARTY GIRLS. Lou is there on his
scooter, a party girl on his lap...
Everyone bouncing to the HIPHOP BUMPING out of massive
speakers next to the DJ spinning turntablesGROOMSMEN
(chanting)
Doug! Doug! Doug! Doug! Doug!
Doug spins--shocked. Police-line streamers, kegs, food,
piñatas, and a clown. Jimmy steps out, proudJIMMY
You buy a Golden Tux from me...
The groomsmen pour champagne on Doug’s head, pull off his
pants, leaving him in a button down, tie...and underwearJIMMY (cont’d)
...you get a BACHELOR PARTY!!!
They carry Doug past a VELCRO FLY WALL, CHOCOLATE PUDDING
WRESTLING RING, and PARALLEL LUBE SLIDES...
71
THE MOONBOUNCE
71
An enclosed trampoline game. Doug bounces up and down in his
underwear, soaked with champagne.
DOUG
This is really unnecessary-
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
82
NADIA (O.S.)
Hello, Doug.
Doug stops short as he sees NADIA, the hottest, sexiest girl
in the world waiting for him...
DOUG
I’m not saying you need to cancel
this though...
She smiles and approaches Doug who bounces in place...
NADIA
(points to herself)
Nadia.
GROOMSMEN
Doug! Doug! Doug! Doug! Doug!
DOUG
(points to himself)
Doug...I’m Doug. Doug Harris.
All of the guys CHEER. Doug grins at them--thumbs up! Jimmy
leads them off72
EXT. ARNIE’S WORLD OF FUN - PARTY AREA - DANCE FLOOR
72
Jimmy and the groomsmen dancing with the party girls, doing
shots, body shots, funnel-assing vodka, etc on the dance
floor.
73
IN THE MOONBOUNCE
Nadia smiles, rubs up next to Doug who turns crimsonDOUG
So. Uh. Where you from?
Nadia smiles.
DOUG (cont’d)
I’m from LA. Hancock Park. You
heard of it?
She shrugs, smiles.
DOUG (cont’d)
You been here long? In LA?
(a beat)
Have you ever been to a Dodgers
game?
73
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
83
NADIA
(in Italian)
Relax, baby. Just relax.
Nadia starts massaging his thigh...
NADIA (cont’d)
(in Italian)
You like that? You do, don’t you,
puppy?
DOUG
If you haven’t, you have to go!
There’s nothing like it...as he becomes extremely nervous...
DOUG (cont’d)
I’m sure where you’re from is
probably great too.
NADIA
(in Italian)
You want to touch? No? How about I
touchHer hand moves to his crotch and he lets out a noise likeDOUG
Ghaaaaeeeahhh...
...and jumps around like a monkey playing keep away.
DOUG (cont’d)
Look, Nadia. I’d love to well, you
know but...I’m getting marriedNADIA
(in Italian)
Shhh, shhh. Come here.
Nadia takes off her top.
Ohhhhhh...
74
DOUG
EXT. ARNIE’S WORLD OF FUN - LUBE SLIDE AREA
74
Three Party Girls wrestling in the PUDDING WRESTLING PIT.
Dickerson & Drysdale look on, chug beers as everyone cheers.
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
84
VOICES
GO! GO! GO! GO!
They pound the beers, smash the cans on their heads, and dive
down PARALLEL LUBE SLIDES, fly off a ramp and into the
PUDDING WRESTLING PIT to be attacked by the party girls!
75
IN THE MOONBOUNCE
75
Doug tries teaching the topless Nadia how to jump.
DOUG
...we just have to jump together,
to coordinate our jumping.
Nadia smiles. This isn't what she’s used to.
DOUG (cont’d)
Okay, ready...jump!
Doug jumps. Nadia jumps late, giggles.
DOUG (cont’d)
I know you can do this, work with
me. Okay?
(off her smile)
Okay. Ready...jump!
They jump together and start bouncing up and down, playing
the game, laughing and bumping into each other...
76
THE BATTING CAGES
76
Jimmy and a Party Girl stand with a line of groomsmen, Party
Girls and other party people...
JIMMY
RUNNING OF THE BALLS!
Jimmy flinches like he’s gonna go, and everyone starts
sprinting in a line across a barrage of SHOOTING BASEBALLS...
But Jimmy hangs back with his Party Girl, LAUGHINGAs the runners start getting nailed...balls crushing themPARTY GIRLS/GROOMSMEN
OWF!/MY TIT!/FUCK!/AOO!/OHHH!
Lou is moving across slowly, taking the hits-
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
85
LOU
This is nothing! I was at the Bay
of Fucking Pigs!
Most falling as they move...crumbling...Carew has made it
almost across the field of fireCAREW
Yes! Hell yes! I did it! OHHH YEAnd a PITCHING MACHINE NAILS him in the ear, drops him cold.
77
EXT. ARNIE’S WORLD OF FUN - PARTY AREA
77
MUSIC THUMPING even LOUDER. Party Girls dance.
78
EXT. ARNIE’S WORLD OF FUN - PUTTING AREA
78
Plunkett has his arms wrapped around a Party Girl from behind
on the putting green, instructing herPLUNKETT
That’s it. Relax. Squeeze. Relax.
Just a little bit of hips, you feel
that?
REVEAL: Plunkett’s pants are around his ankles, she’s not
even holding a golf club. His wheelchair standing by79
EXT. ARNIE’S WORLD OF FUN - PARTY AREA - DANCE FLOOR
79
Lou is getting a lapdance in his scooter from two Party Girls80
EXT. ARNIE’S WORLD OF FUN - CLIMBING WALL
80
Drysdale and Garvey belay Party Girls on the wall, staring up
at their asses...
80A
EXT. ARNIE’S WORLD OF FUN - GO-KART TRACK
80A
The groomsmen racing in karts with Party Girls, bumping into
each other...
81
EXT. ARNIE’S WORLD OF FUN - DANGER CAVE
81
Alzado leads a Party Girl into a ‘DANGER CAVE’...starts to
make out with her, and a MONSTER YETI surprises them with a
ROAR.
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
82
EXT. ARNIE’S WORLD OF FUN - PARTY AREA - DANCE FLOOR
85A
82
Rambis, dressed in a Velcro fly suit, runs, jumps and SMACKS
into the Velco wall, sticking to it.
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
86
Doug dances with Nadia as his groomsmen encircle him, jumping
up and down. Doug spins Nadia in his arms...
GARVEY
Go Dougie! Go Dougie!
PLUNKETT
Wouldn’t be a night without
Dougster macking on the ladiesRAMBIS
Just like Cancun on Spring Break,
Snoop Doug!
DICKERSON
And Burning Man when we did those
quaaludes and that tit car wash!
DOUG
That was a great night!
Doug high-fives his groomsmen as Garvey sprints pastGARVEY
AHHHHHH!!!!
And jumps into the wall, BOOM! Jimmy checks his watchUh-oh.
What?
JIMMY
DOUG
JIMMY
It’s almost midnight.
So?
DOUG
DRYSDALE
(chants, grinning)
Fletch-er...
DICKERSON & CAREW
Fletch-er...
83
EXT. ARNIE’S WORLD OF FUN - FLETCHER AREA
83
Doug, wearing only boxers & a stupid party hat, is standing
like a starfish, his arms and legs athletic-taped to two
columns of a pavilion.
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
87
JIMMY
Get the ramp!
Everyone watches with anticipation as Rambis and Dickerson
carry over a small wooden RAMP.
Nadia follows, smiling coyly. Doug’s eyes glaze over--he’s
mesmerized. Drysdale tosses a jar of PEANUT BUTTER to Jimmy
who hands it to Nadia. Doug snaps out of itDOUG
Whoa, what’s that for?
JIMMY
Patience, Doug, you’re in good
hands. Alright, Nadia. Showtime.
Nadia appears, smiling coyly, holding a jar of Peanut Butter.
Doug’s eyes glaze over--he’s mesmerized. Nadia eyes Doug as
she slowly unscrews the jar...dips a few of her fingers and
licks a little and spreads the rest on Doug’s face and neck.
She kisses him all over...
EVERYONE
Dougie! Dougie! Dougie!
DOUG
Look, Nadia, I thought we’ve been
through this...I’m very
uncomfortable with this and
ooohhhhhh...
EVERYONE
DOUG-IE! DOUG-IE! DOUG-IE!
Nadia pulls his schlong out of his boxers, and her jaw drops,
impressed. She spreads peanut butter all over his privatesDOUG
(fits of giggling)
You don’t have to do this.
Nadia spreads peanut butter all along the ramp, leading up to
Doug’s crotch.
JIMMY
What’s that Doug? I can’t hear youEVERYONE
FLETCH-ER! FLETCH-ER!
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
88
DOUG
Nadia. You don’t have to do thisNADIA
(something in Italian)
She kisses him on the forehead and walks away.
EVERYONE
FLETCH-ER! FLETCH-ER! FLETCH-ER!
Jimmy WHISTLES and the crowd parts as-A FLOPPY-EARED BASSET HOUND--FLETCHER
Tail-wagging, follows the trail...
EVERYONE (cont’d)
FLETCH-ER! FLETCH-ER! FLETCH-ER!
Fletcher starts licking peanut butter off the ground...
JIMMY
No, that way! Fletcher! Go!
Fletcher spots Doug--follows the trail up the ramp to Doug’s
leg...Doug tries to shift away from the licking mutt.
DOUG
(giggling)
Stop! Make him stop!
Everyone CHEERS and cracks up.
EVERYONE
FLETCH-ER! FLETCH-ER! FLETCH-ER!
And as Fletcher follows the trail to its end we MOVE IN on
Doug’s face--shifting from panic to...guilty satisfaction...
Fletcher GROWLS andDOUG
OWWWWWWW!!!!
NADIA
(in Italian)
JIMMY
Fletcher! NO! Let go! Bad dog!
DRYSDALE
Stick your fingers in his ear!
Garvey sticks his finger in Doug’s ears.
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
DOUG
OWWWWWWW!!!!
88A
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
89
DRYSDALE
Not Doug’s ears shit-for-brains!!
The damn dog’s!
A GUNSHOT! The dog suddenly STIFFENS with lock-jaw, stuck to
Doug’s business. Plunkett’s holding it. Silence as everyone
turns to Plunkett, holding a smoking gun, shrugs, thenJIMMY
What the fuck?
DOUG
OWWWWWWW!!!!
PLUNKETT
I didn’t shoot it! I shot up, I
swear, just tried to scare it off.
ALZADO
Must’ve had a heart attack.
DOUG
OWWWWWWW!!!!
JIMMY
(trying to remove it)
It’s got lock-jaw.
AHHHH!
DOUG
JIMMY
Who here can drive?
GARVEY
Everyone’s either drunk or high!
ALZADO
Lou hasn’t had a drink in 87 years.
Who’s Lou?
84
CAREW
INT. ROTO-ROOTER VAN - FLYING - MOMENTS LATER
84
Lou, the only available sober driver, floors it. The van is
packed with groomsmen and party girls. Jimmy is trying to
stabilize the dog as every BUMP causes Doug more pain.
GARVEY
Hey, easy Lou! This is Marci’s
father’s van!
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
LOU
I don’t know a Marci.
OW! OW!
DOUG
JIMMY
You’re in shock. You’re not feeling
pain.
89aA
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
89A
DOUG
I’M NOT IN SHOCK! IT HURTS LIKE A
GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKER!
JIMMY
Alzado! Get those drugs up here!
HOT GIRL 1
I’ve got some Oxy.
****
****
HOT GIRL 2
Valium will calm him down. Here-
****
****
HOT GIRL 3
If you put it in his butt, it’ll
work faster.
****
****
****
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
90
85
<<<SCENE OMITTED>>>
85****
86
<<<SCENE OMITTED>>>
86****
87
EXT. STREETS - CONTINUOUS
87
The Van flies through a RED LIGHT, nearly hitting a POLICE
CAR. The car swerves wide, stunned a beat, and PEELS OFF
after the Van88
INT. THE ROTO-ROOTER VAN - CONTINUOUS
****
88
SIRENS blare behind the van--everyone starts to panic as Lou
pulls overGARVEY
We’ve got open bottles in here!
PLUNKETT
I can’t go back to jail. I’m tired
of fucking dudes.
DRYSDALE
You were the rape-ist?
PLUNKETT
DRINK. DRINK IT ALLPlunkett CHUGS a bottle of SCHNAPPS...
GARVEY
Marci’s gonna kill meRAMBIS
Finish them!
Drysdale quickly CHUGS a bottle of Jack while Carew CHUGS a
bottle of Tequila, spilling all over, swallows the worm just
as the COP walks up to the van, shining a FLASHLIGHTJIMMY
Everyone look sober!
The cop looks at the crew--all trying to look sober, smiling.
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
91
COP
(to Lou)
License and registration.
Lou hands over his license to the Cop who looks at itCOP (cont’d)
This expired in 1982. You can’t
drive.
LOU
(insulted)
What’d you say?
COP
I said you’re not able to drive.
Lou, pissed, shifts into reverse, gasses it!
89
EXT. SIDE OF THE ROAD - CONTINUOUS
89
The VAN flies in reverse and heads straight for the COP CAR.
JIMMY (V.O.)
What the hell are you doing!?
90
INSIDE THE ROTO-ROOTER VAN
90
Everyone freaks out--Jimmy tries to stabilize the dog, but...
(pain)
AHHHHHHH!
91
DOUG
EXT. SIDE OF THE ROAD - CONTINUOUS
The VAN SLAMS into the Cop Car, then takes off, SCREECHING
around a corner. The Cop runs to his car and jumps inANOTHER CORNER
The VAN makes a quick left.
INSIDE THE ROTO-ROOTER VAN
Everyone is thrown to one side of the van...
OWWWWW!
DOUG
Everyone holding on for dear life.
91
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
92
JIMMY
Lou! Pull this fucking car over
now! We’re all gonna be arrested.
LOU
Gotta spend money to make money!
JIMMY
What the fuck are you talking
about?
92
<<<SCENE OMITTED>>>
92
93
EXT. STREETS - MOMENTS LATER
93
The Van screeches onto a ONE WAY STREET, takes out the ONE
WAY SIGN and swerves into ONCOMING CARS-
****
****
ALZADO (O.S.)
It’s one way!
The Van weaves around SCREECHING, HONKING CARSLOU (O.S.)
I’m going one way.
94
EXT. STREETS - MOMENTS LATER
94
Lou takes a turn, too hard, and comes out of it wide, TAKING ****
OUT A ROW OF PARKING METERS.
****
95
INT. THE ROTO-ROOTER VAN - MOMENTS LATER
95
Doug grimacing in pain...Lou SCREECHES around another turn at
full speed.
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
96
93
EXT. GAP IN THE 4TH STREET BRIDGE - MOMENTS LATER
96
The ROTO-ROOTER VAN flies past cones and around a barricade
as IT SPEEDS THROUGH A CONSTRUCTION ZONE...
WATCH OUT!
RAMBIS
THEY’RE HEADED TOWARDS A GAP BETWEEN TWO PIECES OF BRIDGE...
The cop follows, then SLAMS on its brakes97
INSIDE THE ROTO-ROOTER VAN
97
Everyone holds on to each other as Lou gases it and...
EVERYONE
AHHHHHHHH!!!
97A
A WIDE SHOT OF THE ROTO-ROOTER VAN LAUNCHING INTO THE NIGHT97A
...and LANDING HARD, BOUNCING on the other side of the bridge-
98
INSIDE THE ROTO-ROOTER VAN
98
Lou raises his fist to the sky, having escaped the copLOU
Whose license’s expired now, bitch!
Everyone is checking themselves to make sure they’re alive.
Jimmy turns to Doug, who’s now in shock, staring blankly.
JIMMY
You okay? Doug? Doug?
DISSOLVE TO:
99
EXT. HOSPITAL - SUNRISE
99
The sun rises over the hospital.
100
INT. HOSPITAL - DOUG’S ROOM - SAME
100
Doug lies in the hospital bed, stirs to life. Looks over and
sees Nadia, looking like an angel, holding a juice container.
DOUG
Nadia? You waited all night for me?
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
94
Nadia smiles at Doug, hands him a juice container.
DOUG (cont’d)
Last night...I mean, aside from
having an unfortunate K-9
situation, I had the best time of
my life--I’m sorry we couldn’t
spend more time together. These are
just difficult times, and difficult
circumstances. It’s not your fault.
It’s mine. You’re great. Really.
I’ve never connected with a girl
like that. Ever. Not even with,
Gretchen, the girl I’m marrying.
You understand?
Nadia looks at Doug with a blank look on her face.
Yo Tonto!
JIMMY (O.S.)
Doug sees Jimmy standing in the doorway.
JIMMY (cont’d)
How’s it hanging?
DOUG
What’d they do?
JIMMY
Few stitches. Doc said you’re gonna
be fine.
Nadia shifts in her chair, both the guys look at her.
JIMMY (cont’d)
Kiss her g’bye. I got pudding in my
anus and you gotta meet up with the
in-laws.
Doug gets out of his bed, gathers his clothes, then walks to
Nadia. He gently touches her hair, looks into her eyes.
DOUG
I have to go. It was great getting
to know you.
Doug kisses her on the forehead. Nadia smilesNADIA
Was great getting to know you too.
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
95
DOUG
You speak English?
Nadia turns to JimmyNADIA
Thanks for having me out again,
Jimmy. And Jimmy?
Yeah?
JIMMY
NADIA
Doug here’s a keeper.
(winks at Doug)
Call me sometime...we could grab a
Dodger game.
Nadia leaves. Jimmy pulls Doug out of the hospital room101
INT. HOSPITAL - WAITING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
101
Jimmy leads Doug out, turns and whistlesFellas!
JIMMY
The waiting room is a disaster area. Trash everywhere.
Groomsmen passed out.
Jimmy WHISTLES again--nothing--NUDGES Drysdale with his footHuh?
DRYSDALE
DOUG
Where’s Lou?
JIMMY
Lou’s gotta go away for a while.
Said it was worth it, thoughJimmy BLASTS an AIR HORN, and all the Groomsmen start awake,
falling out of chairs, off tables and each other102
INT. DOUG’S MERCEDES - MOVING - LATER
102
Top down, wind in their faces. Jimmy driving, Doug stares at
the sky.
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
96
DOUG
It’s just that what if...well what
if I’m not positive that Gretchen
is the girl I want to spend the
rest of my life with?
JIMMY
Ah...Stage Three. Morning after the
bachelor party. Exactly on target!
Don’t tear yourself up, bro.
DOUG
(smiles)
Man, I can’t remember being this
happy, feeling this good since...
since ever!
JIMMY
You eat one of those pills Plunkett
was handing out?
DOUG
No. It’s just, this is great. I
know it’s not real, but it’s still
great to be one of the guys.
They drive for a beat in silence.
CUT TO:
103
EXT. THE PALMER HOUSE - LATER
Jimmy pulls up to the Palmers’...
JIMMY
Look, Doug. I wasn’t trying to come
off as a prick with the whole renta-friend thing.
DOUG
It’s okay...you were right. You’ve
got a job to do.
JIMMY
So let’s nail this thing. Make you
look great, rock your wedding and
send you off to Tahiti ready to
knock paint off the walls.
DOUG
And ship Bic off to his death.
103
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
JIMMY
Right. So...we kosher?
DOUG
Yeah. We kosher.
Doug gets out of the car.
DOUG (cont’d)
Listen...I’ve been thinking about
what you asked me about GretchenYeah?
JIMMY
DOUG
She said something to me on our
third date. About wanting a family
and how she’s ready to have kids.
And, well...ever since I lost my
family, I’ve wanted to make one of
my own...
(shrugs)
You think you can do something with
that?
JIMMY
I’m gonna make the entire place
cry. Even you, Tonto.
DOUG
Thanks, Bic. Drive carefully.
Doug sticks out his fist--Jimmy pounds it.
97
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
104
EXT. DOUG’S PARKED MERCEDES - MOMENTS LATER
98
104
As Doug heads for the door, Jimmy’s phone CHIRPS, he answers
it on SPEAKERHello?
JIMMY
GARVEY (O.S.)
It’s Garvey. I got a problem. I
can’t be there on Saturday.
JIMMY
What’re you talking about?
105
INTERCUT WITH: EXT. GARVEY’S HOUSE - SAME
GARVEY
Marci’s dad found a butt plug in
the glove compartment. She thinks
I’m working with you again. I had
to promise to fix the kitchen
cabinets just to calm her down.
Unbeknownst to Jimmy, Alison approaches--sports bra and
running shorts--finishing her jog...
JIMMY
You’re gonna be there, or I’ll call
Marci myself, tell her about
Cocomo. You want that? Do youGARVEY
Look, JimmyJIMMY
Don’t “look Jimmy” me. Tell that
wife of yours you’ll fix the
kitchen cabinets on SundayGARVEY’S WIFE walks out of the house, starts shoutingGARVEY’S WIFE
Jimmy, you sonufabitch! I don’t
know what kind of crap you’re up to
but leave my husband out of it!
We hear a scuffle for the phone on the other end, then-
105
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
99
GARVEY
Don’t worry about it, Jimmy. I’ll
figure something outJimmy notices AlisonJIMMY
Roger niner delta over. May God
bless you and yoursGARVEY
What the hell are youJimmy hangs up. Smiles casually at Alison, unsure of how much
she heard. Tries not to stare at her glistening body.
ALISON
Who’s Jimmy?
JIMMY
Jimmy? Jimmy’s my tag name, I’m
sorry, military code to a civilian.
ALISON
(eyeing him, suspicious)
Kind of a crazy coincidence that
the drunk guy at the courthouse
called you Jimmy too...
JIMMY
Was it Jimmy? I thought he(boomeranging her)
You are in awfully good shape.
Alison leans against the car. Smiles flirtatiouslyALISON
Well then, “Jimmy”, I suppose I
shouldn’t pry into what “kitchen
cabinets” mean either?
JIMMY
Probably not. For your own safety.
ALISON
Life must be interesting with all
the top secret things you know.
I’ll see you at the rehearsal...
(winks)
Father.
And heads towards the house. Jimmy swears under his breath,
reverses out of the driveway and peels out.
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
105A
<<<<SCENE OMITTED>>>>
99A
105A****
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
106
INT. EDMUNDO’S OFFICE - MUSIC CORNER - LATER
100
106****
Doug & Gretchen sit across from the band leader, HAL LANE,
40, handsome with a Jewfro. Hal Lane takes notes.
HAL LANE
Okay, got it. And your first dance
will be to what song?
GRETCHEN
You are so Beautiful.
(beat)
Joe Cocker.
HAL LANE
(looks up)
Thanks. I knew that.
Doug eyes Gretchen curiously.
What?
GRETCHEN
DOUG
That’s not our song.
GRETCHEN
Of course it is. Your broken CD
player repeated that song over and
over the first time we made love.
(singing)
You are so beautiful...
DOUG
That was with Steve, your old
boyfriend. You’ve told me that
story like...five times?
Hal Lane looks away. Tries to appear invisible.
GRETCHEN
Oh...right.
(covering)
Well it’s still a great song
though, if you listen to the words.
I love that song, honey. Please?
On Doug’s hurt face.
THUNDER STRIKES, the SOUND of RAIN POURING...
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
107
INT. JIMMY’S OFFICE - LATER
101
107
All of the guys stand at attention as Jimmy hands out packed
HANGING SUIT BAGS. Jimmy eyes them, proud, as Doris hands out
new LEATHER WALLETS to all of the guysDORIS
Gentlemen, in these wallets you
will find a license, credit cards,
supporting clutter and three
hundred dollars cash.
JIMMY
And in those hanging bags, your
suits for the rehearsal dinner,
wedding and complimentary
toiletries. Get a good night’s
sleep, we’ll be leaving for the
high school at 0800.
RAMBIS
What’re we doing at the high
school?
108
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL FIELD - NEXT MORNING
108
Jimmy paces in front of the seven sweatpants-clad groomsmen,
all staring at the muddy field...
DRYSDALE
This is fuckin bullshit.
GARVEY
Field’s all muddy.
PLUNKETT
We didn’t sign up for this crap.
JIMMY
‘fraid you did fellas. Falls under
the Further Assurances Clause. You
participate in any activities I
deem necessary or advisable.
DOUG
Oh, c’mon guys. This’ll be fun.
CHANTING VOICES (O.S.)
Hoo!!! HAA!!!...Hoo!!! HAA!...
JIMMY
What the fuck?
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
102
Ed marches his crew of EIGHT FORMER TEAMMATES, late 60’s, all
wearing faded jerseys and cleats, towards the field.
109
MIDDLE OF THE FIELD - MOMENTS LATER
109
Jimmy and Doug stand opposite Ed and two MAMMOTH OLD GUYS.
Doug looks at Ed’s team stretching, warming up. Glances at
the groomsmen, huddled around Plunkett in his wheelchair.
DOUG
(re: muddy field)
You sure you want to play on this
field? It’s all muddy.
JIMMY
Someone might wrench a knee.
ED PALMER
You sound like my daughters.
Doesn’t get any better’n this boys.
110
ON THE SIDELINES - MOMENTS LATER
110
The groomsmen huddle around JimmyJIMMY
Let’s keep this fun fellas, amuse
the geezers. No need to rub it in
their faces, we don’t wanna see any
coronaries out here.
BREAK!!!
OLD GUYS
The old guys take their offensive formation. Their QB,
bearing a remarkable resemblance to Hall of Fame LEGEND
QUARTERBACK Joe Namath, lines up behind center, Ed Palmer.
LEGEND QUARTERBACK
You guys look a little soft, sure
you can handle going both ways?
ED PALMER
I heard Doug enjoys that.
What?
HUT, HUT!
DOUG
LEGEND QUARTERBACK
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
103
Ed SNAPS the ball to the Legend Quarterback fakes the handoff to a LEGEND RUNNING BACK, a dead ringer for THE DIESEL
JOHN RIGGINSThe Groomsmen defense falls for the fake, a STARTLINGLY FAST,
LEGEND TALL GUY, (looks like ED TOO TALL JONES), who COLDCOCKS PLUNKETT IN THE FACE! THE LEGEND RUNNING BACK LEVELS
DOUG!
The Legend Quarterback rolls right and wings the ball through
the air into the hands of the Tall Guy as he flies down the
sidelineThe Legend Tall Guy catches the ball in stride and continues
towards the end zone. Drysdale gives chase and touches the
Legend Tall Guy out one yard from the goal line. Jimmy helps
Doug upDOUG
I thought this was touch football?
LEGEND RUNNING BACK
Can’t play football without
blocking son!
111
THE LINE OF SCRIMMAGE - MOMENTS LATER
111
Ed on the ball. The groomsmen line up, already out of breath.
CAREW
You gotta good arm, sir.
LEGEND QUARTERBACK
Blow me kid. Hut, HUT!
Ed SNAPS the ball, charge-blocks Drysdale and flattens him.
The Legend Quarterback pitches to the Legend Running Back who
races for the corner, jukes Rambis, lowers his head and
SMASHES into Alzado. Steps over him into the end zone. The
old guys mob him, hi-fiving each other. Splash back towards
mid-field celebrating.
DRYSDALE
Number 72 just grabbed my nuts.
112
GROOMSMEN HUDDLE - MOMENTS LATER
Jimmy calling the playLEGEND TALL GUY
Hey Fatass! I’m gonna do your
sister!
112
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
Doug looks back, notices the Legend Tall Guy and Legend
Running Back, playing linebackers now, growling at him.
103A
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
104
DOUG
But I don’t have aJIMMY
Ignore’m, Doug.
LEGEND TALL GUY
In the ass!
Ed paces the line of scrimmage, growlingALZADO
Doug, that guy’s crazy.
JIMMY
A’ight fellas. Unbalanced left,
Power I right, sixty-eight slant on
one, ready...break!
Jimmy CLAPS and leaves the huddle. All of the groomsmen look
at each other, confused. After a moment, Jimmy returns.
JIMMY (cont’d)
Doug, I’m gonna give you the ball
and you run that way. Ready?
ALL
(with a CLAP)
BREAK!!!
113
AT THE LINE OF SCRIMMAGE
113
Plunkett lines up over the ball in his wheelchair. Jimmy in
shotgun. The old guys take their defensive positions with Ed
at nose guard.
JIMMY
Blue 27! Blue 27! Set, HUT!!!
On the SNAP of the ball, the Linebackers (Legend Running Back
and Legend Tall Guy) SLAM into Plunkett who goes flying from
his wheelchair.
Jimmy pitches the ball to Doug who runs forward. Ed leg-whips
Doug hard, causing him to fumble. Legend Tall Guy recovers
and high steps towards the end zone for another touchdown.
JIMMY (cont’d)
That’s illegal! That’s leg
whipping!
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
ED PALMER
Leg whipping only became illegal in
the nineties. It’s legal for us,
Padre.
104A
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
105
As Ed runs after his team to help celebrate, Jimmy helps
Plunkett back into his wheelchair. Looks at the groomsmen,
lying on the ground in pain.
ALZADO
That fuckin guy BIT me.
GARVEY
18 shoved his finger up my asshole.
JIMMY
Fuck this fellas. Time to get ugly!
114
QUICK SERIES OF SHOTS:
114
- Jimmy dodges a tackle and straight-arms Ed
- Plunkett chop blocks Legend Running Back in his wheelchair
- Doug runs the wrong way, Carew turns him around
- Dickerson outruns the defense for a touchdown
- Everyone dives for a fumble
- On the bottom of the pile, Ed scratches at Plunkett’s eyes
- PEOPLE start gathering to watch.
- MAINTENANCE WORKERS take note.
- FINGERS drawing plays in the mud.
- A HUDDLE VIEW from below.
- A PLAYER slides through the muddy water.
- Tackling low and dirty.
- Overhead on the CARNAGE.
- The Legend QB drops back for a pass, and gets SACKED by
Garvey from his blindside.
- Carew picks up a SMALLER-OLD GUY, and HURLS him.
- Dickerson faces a RANDOM GOON, tries a joke, GETS CRUSHED.
115
THE GROOMSMEN’S HUDDLE
Everyone soaked and caked with mud.
JIMMY
This is it boys, next touchdown
wins. If there was ever a time in
your life to suck it up, dig down
deep and leave it all out on the
field, it’s right now.
(sees Ed go free safety)
Doug, I gotta be honest, you’ve
played a pretty shitty game. And
the last thing I wanna do is put
the ball in your hands...but I know
you’re faster than Big Ed. I know
you can get open and I know I can
throw it to you. What I wanna know
is...if you’re gonna catch it?
115
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
DOUG
Don’t throw it to me Bic, please.
JIMMY
I am throwing it to you, Towelboy.
And for this play, call me Father.
Hail Mary right, on one...ready?
BREAK!!!
ALL
105A
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
106
Both teams approach the line of scrimmage. Doug lines up wide
rightJIMMY
Blue 9! Blue 9! Set HUT!
Doug runs straight at the Legend Running Back, stutter-steps
and 360s around him.
Doug streaks downfield. Jimmy avoids the Legend Tall Guy
charging at him, rolls right and wings the ball...
Everyone watches as it sails through the air-Ed sprints to cut-off Doug--arrives at the same time as the
ball. Doug goes up--SLAMS into Ed--something SNAPS, and he
crumples as Doug falls into the end zone--ball in his arms.
TOUCHDOWN! The groomsmen CHEER! Doug opens his eyes--I caught
it! And freaks out-DOUG
YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Takes a victory lap, arms outstretched, his hollering
groomsmen chasing after him. Spikes the ball at Ed who’s
still on the ground WAILING in pain...and flexes above him.
WE PULL AWAY and
DISSOLVE TO:
116
INT. FANCY RESTAURANT - RENDEZVOUS COURT - LATER
116
The rehearsal dinner. The Palmer family and Gretchen’s SEVEN
BRIDESMAIDS, all 30ish, white & waspy, stand around drinking
while the PHOTOGRAPHER snaps pictures. Gretchen turns to DougGRETCHEN
I knew someone was going to get
hurt!
DOUG
We were just having fun until your
Dad’s friendsED PALMER (O.S.)
Don’t pin this shit on meEd’s in a chair, leg propped up, Lois holding an ice-pack on
his knee. Doug nervously looks at his watch.
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
LOIS PALMER
Honey, it’s over. Forget it.
DOUG
I truly didn’t mean toThe door swings open and Jimmy leads in the groomsmen, all
wearing suits, freshly shaven and hair combed.
DRYSDALE
HEY HEY HEY!
LOIS PALMER
(under her breath)
Oh...my...god.
ED PALMER
Yeah, no shit.
Gretchen, Ed, Lois & her bridesmaids stare stunned as the
motley crew walks (and Plunkett wheels) towards them.
Gretchen grabs Doug, hissesGRETCHEN
Doug, who are these guys?!?
DOUG
What are you talking about?
Those’re my friends--that’s
Principal Mitchell Rambis from
Utah, the brilliant philosopher,
Ira Drysdale, that’s Plunkett there
in the wheelchair...
GRETCHEN
No-no-no, I mean, how-what-that’s
the strangest looking group of guys
I’ve ever seen in my life.
DOUG
What do you mean? Those’re my boys.
Jimmy reaches Doug & GretchenJIMMY
Apologies for being lateDICKERSON
At long last, we meet the Palmers!
CAREW
(winks)
Mrs. Palmer, it’s obvious where
Gretchen gets her looks...
107
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
108
As Plunkett wheels up and kisses Gretchen’s handPLUNKETT
Gretchen, it’s an honor to finally
meet the love of Doug’s life.
Gretchen’s too shocked to respond as the groomsmen scatter,
introducing themselves to everyone.
117
INT. FANCY RESTAURANT - THE BERNARD ROOM - LATER
117
Everyone sits at tables. Ed, leg still propped up, glares at
the groomsmen.
DICKERSON
Most important thing is to ice it
as much as you can for the next 24
hoursGARVEY
And take a few AdvilED PALMER
You can both kiss my ass.
LOIS PALMER
Don’t let them bait you, Ed.
Doug stands at the head of the room taking a picture with
Gretchen. She turns away and he strikes a Heisman pose. All
of the groomsmen start laughing--Gretchen turns, Doug returns
to a normal pose.
What?
DOUG
Gretchen turns back to the camera--Doug strikes the pose
again. And as everyone tries to conceal their laughter,
Alison leans over, whispers to JimmyALISON
What’re you feeding him?
Jimmy smiles, proud. Alison shakes her head, notices the
bridesmaids giggling as they make their way to the front of
the roomALISON (cont’d)
Twenty dollars says one of them
wrote a songJIMMY
Forty says it’s The Carpenters-
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
You’re on.
109
ALISON
BRIDESMAID (HOLLY)
Hi, everyone. Holly Munk. Head
bridesmaid. Gretchen, “we” wrote
you a song.
Jimmy and Alison smirk as the bridesmaids all grab their
copies of the lyrics. Holly grabs Alison’s handHOLLY
You too Ms. Maid of Honor!
Alison smiles at Jimmy off the lyricsHOLLY (cont’d)
It’s a Holly Munk original to the
tune of Lean On Me. They’re copies
of the lyrics under your seats, so
follow along.
The guests reach under their seats, finding pages of lyrics,
look confusedALISON
Pay up, father.
Jimmy smiles as Alison reluctantly joins the bridesmaids.
HOLLY
Hit the track.
(singing)
It’s...that time in your life,
When you wear something blue...
The rest of the bridesmaids join in. It’s absolutely brutal.
HOLLY AND THE BRIDESMAIDS
When you wear something borrowed.
But...before you’re a wife,
We should look back,
To yesterday’s tomorrrrrrows.
(beat)
Our mem-ries!
Outside blim-pie,
Too much tuna, shoulda’ had the sixincher...instead.
Or...Lalapalooza ‘03,
We had to pee,
In front of that weeeeiiird guy
Fred.
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
109A
A few people join in, Doug included. The groomsmen all glare
at him--Doug stops singing, mouths Sorry to Jimmy.
HOLLY AND THE BRIDESMAIDS (cont’d)
Some...time in 2013,
Gretchen was dumped,
By Handsome Steeeeeee-eeeve.
But...then there was Doug,
Being a friend,
But there was something up hiiiiiis
slee--eeeeve.
(beat)
You just call on ya Kappas,
When you need a break,
We all need somebody to party with,
If you want to hit up Supper Club,
Make some mistakes,
We will make them with you,
Gretchen(talking, humming)
That’s my bridge. Hold on.
(singing again)
You just call on ya Kappas,
When you need a break,
We all need somebody to party with,
If you want to hit up Supper Club,
Make some mistakes,
We will make them with you,
Gretchen(beat)
Dooo....you remember?
Baton twirl-ing,
Glee club, in-vi-si-ligggn.
Girl, We certainly do.
Kappa sistas for life.
And you know we ainnn’t lyy-innnn’.
A beat. Everyone stares...thenHOLLY
That’s the end. That’s it.
CUT TO:
118
MOMENTS LATER
Gretchen, tears in her eyes--hugs her bridesmaids. Rambis
sets up a projector as The Groomsmen fall in line.
118
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
110
JIMMY
Since none of us are song-writers,
we put together a little slide show
to toast our buddy...
Jimmy picks up the remote and--CLICK.
JIMMY (cont’d)
He’s been stealing ladies’ hearts
since long before we knew him.
PHOTO: 12-year-old Doug at dance class with his mom.
JIMMY (cont’d)
And was always wise beyond his
years.
CLICK--PHOTO: 15-year-old Doug wearing a suit and holding a
briefcase.
DICKERSON
His friendship came with an instant
half-point boost in our GPAsCLICK--PHOTO: Doug in front of the college library with
Rambis, Garvey & DickersonDOUG
(yelling out)
Dickerson, you still didn’t break
2.5!
GARVEY
(grins)
But he also taught us things you
couldn’t learn in classrooms...
Whether it was bowling at RegionalsCLICK--PHOTO: The gang at the bowling alley.
CAREW
Running the Santa Monica marathonCLICK--PHOTO: The gang finishing the race.
DRYSDALE
Navigating the rapids of ColoradoCLICK--PHOTO: The gang white-water rafting.
ALZADO
Climbing the glaciers of PatagoniaCLICK--PHOTO: The gang ice-climbing.
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
ALZADO (cont’d)
Scuba diving the great barrier reefCLICK--PHOTO: The gang scuba diving.
RAMBIS
Jumping out of a plane at 10,000
feetCLICK--PHOTO: The gang leaping out of an airplane.
RAMBIS (cont’d)
Or just everyday life, Doug was
there...
CLICK--PHOTO: Doug wheeling Plunkett on a campus.
110A
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
111
PLUNKETT
After I was hit by a drunk-driver
who was found innocent, Doug helped
pay for my law school tuition.
CLICK--PHOTO: Doug getting his law degree. Carew standing
proud with his arm around himRAMBIS
I was going to quit grad school
before Doug told me the story about
Plunkett which inspired me to stay.
CLICK--PHOTO: Doug on a dock with Jimmy and the crew, proudly
holding up a large shark they caught.
DICKERSON
When he wasn’t hitting the books,
Doug taught us all how to have funSEVERAL MORE PHOTOS: Doug hiking, on safari, tow-surfing.
JIMMY
But this last one’s my favorite.
CLICK--PHOTO: Doug & Jimmy at the Robert Horry game.
JIMMY (cont’d)
An historic night with my closest
friend. You’ll notice in this
picture, like all of the pictures,
that Doug’s always smiling. But I
think you’ll agree, his smile gets
even brighter in our last shot...
CLICK--PHOTO: Doug & Gretchen’s engagement picture. Doug
smiling at Gretchen...Gretchen smiling at the camera.
The room AWWWS and CLAPS. The groomsmen give Doug
congratulatory hugs. Jimmy locks eyes with Doug...and nods.
118A
EXT. STREET - LATER THAT NIGHT
Doug on the phone with GretchenDOUG
Yeah, I think it went great.
118A
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
119
111A
INTERCUT WITH: INT. GRETCHEN’S APARTMENT - BATHROOM - SAME119
Gretchen removes her earrings while talking on the phoneGRETCHEN
I have to be honest, Doug. I was a
bit surprised when I saw your
groomsmen. I mean, I didn’t know
what to expect out of them. But
those guys are really great...
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
112
Gretchen reaches for her toothbrush and accidentally knocks
over Doug’s MITCHUM deodorant stick. She picks it up. Returns
the deodorant to its rightful place. The only open space on
the shelf is to the right of an unopened package of BIC
razors.
ANGLE - THE MITCHUM DEODORANT STICK NEXT TO BIC RAZORS. BACK
TO THE MITCHUM, TO THE BIC...MITCHUM...BIC...BIC...MITCHUM.
FLASHBACK TO:
120
SIX MONTHS EARLIER
120
Gretchen stands in front of the bathroom mirror posing with
her engagement ring while Doug, bedhead, brushes his teeth.
GRETCHEN
At least I can just have Alison be
the maid of honor and no one can
fight over that. What about you?
Who’s going to be your best man?
Doug’s eyes OPEN WIDE--he continues brushing, stalling as his
eyes dart back-and-forth, panicked.
DOUG
(toothpaste in his mouth)
Ah...
GRETCHEN
Who’s that?
Doug spots the TOOTHPASTE, the CANDLE, the Q-TIPS and finally
the stick of MITCHUM deodorantDOUG
(mumbles)
Mitchum.
What?
GRETCHEN
Doug brushes faster--froth building up around his mouth. His
eyes land on his BIC razor.
DOUG
(mumbles)
Mitchum. Bic Mitchum. Buddy from
Stanford. You know Bic.
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
113
GRETCHEN
No I don’t. I’ve never even heard
of Bic Mitchum.
Doug mumbles through his vigorous brushing.
GRETCHEN (cont’d)
What was that?
DOUG
(spits)
Bic’s my best friend in the world.
Doug slams a cupful of mouthwash. Sloshes at hyperspeed.
GRETCHEN
How come I’ve never met him?
Doug throws his head back--power gargles. SpitsDOUG
You haven’t met Bic because...
Spins some floss tight around his finger, contorts to get his
back molars...
Because?
GRETCHEN
Doug pops the floss.
DOUG
Because he’s been overseas--in the
military.
GRETCHEN
Yeah, okay, now I think I remember
you mentioning something...
Doug hesitates--really?
GRETCHEN (cont’d)
Isn’t he a priest or something?
CLOSE ON DOUG--no idea where she got that from...
DOUG
(what the hell)
Yeah.
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
121
QUICK SHOTS - ALL IN GRETCHEN’S FLASHBACK
114
121
- Doug passing out in Edmundo’s office after being asked
about the measurements.
- The posters in Doug’s office and condo--Rambis & Garvey.
-In her bedroom, Gretchen fills out seating cards...Rambis,
Garvey...
- Doug at lunch staring blankly at Gretchen then Jimmy
dumping the chili in his lap.
- Alison bending over during lunch, Jimmy checking out her
cleavage...
- Jimmy crossing himself at the hospital, adds a hit-and-run
sign...
122
EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS
122
Doug walking down the street, on the phoneDOUG
Gretchen? You there?
123
INT. GRETCHEN’S APARTMENT - BATHROOM - SAME TIME
123
Gretchen, completely bewildered, panic rising in her chest,
stares at herself in the mirror. The phone’s still on the
floor.
DOUG (V.O.)
(out of phone)
Can you hear me? Are you okay?
Gretchen takes a deep breath and picks up the phone.
GRETCHEN
(measured)
Doug? Don’t you think it’s a bit
strange that you use BIC razors and
MITCHUM deodorant and your best
man’s name is Bic Mitchum?
Doug’s eyes BOLT OPEN--but without missing a beatDOUG
No, hon.
(smiles)
(MORE)
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
DOUG (cont'd)
But we did kid him about that all
the time.
(ALT)
Yeah, that is strange, maybe that’s
why I use those products.
(ALT)
If your best friend was Jemima
Colgate I bet you wouldn’t use Log
Cabin syrup or Aquafresh
toothpaste, would you? It’s called
loyalty.
(beat)
You’re overstressed, You should
really just get some sleep. I’ll
see you tomorrow. Love you. Okay...
115
****
****
****
****
****
****
****
****
****
****
Doug hangs up the phone. Crisis averted. Phew...nice124
INT. DOUG’S CONDO - NEXT DAY
Jimmy fixes his priest collar in a mirror. Doug walks out
wearing his suit...
DOUG
...and I said, “No hon. But we did
kid him about that all the time.”
JIMMY
(proud)
I didn’t teach you that. You can’t
teach that. You’re born with that.
(taking Doug in)
Looking good...
Doug’s not sure.
DOUG
(beat)
You know, as I was getting
dressed...I started thinking how
insane what we’re doing is.
JIMMY
You just started thinking that now?
DOUG
I mean, if she’s going to be my
wife, I should be able to tell her
the truth, right?
JIMMY
The key to relationships is being
honest...up to a point.
(MORE)
124
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
JIMMY (cont'd)
Marriage is an institution based on
being able to tell smart lies to
each other.
(MORE)
115A
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
116
JIMMY (cont'd)
We’re doing the right thing here,
it’s all about making her happy.
Jimmy pats Doug on the back.
Doug’s reassured.
JIMMY (cont’d)
Now, let’s go get you married.
125
ESTABLISHING: EXT. CATHEDRAL - DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES - DAY 125
Soaring spires, archways, stained glass glowing.
126
INT. CATHEDRAL - SITTING ROOM - LATER
The groomsmen sing along as Dickerson sings Tom Jones’
DELILAH at the piano-
126
****
DICKERSON
(singing)
I saw the light on the night that I
passed by her window./I saw the
flickering shadows of love on her
blind./She was my woman./As she
deceived me I watched and went out
of my mind...
(beat)
MY, MY, MY DELILAH!
GROOMSMEN
(singing)
Why? Why? Why, Delilah!
Jimmy and Doug walk in, and Dickerson stops.
****
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
117
JIMMY
Alright, fellas. Gather ‘round.
The groomsmen form a huddle around Jimmy and Doug.
JIMMY (cont’d)
We’ve known each other a long time,
been through some great things
together. I’m gonna be honest with
you...nine days ago, I didn’t think
we’d ever make it this far. In less
than an hour, there’s gonna be
three hundred unsuspecting guests
filling those pews to celebrate
some holy matrimony. We’re flawless
from here on out gentleman. So
watch each other’s backs, if they
bring the noise, you bring the
funk.
(off their nods)
Lastly, don’t get caught in any
long conversations. Stick to your
lines, don’t improvise. Remember
The HW2’s, The Boomerang & the
PTD’s. And most important, N-A-S.
The guys all Nod-And-Smile.
JIMMY (cont’d)
Y’all ready to do this? Drysdale,
set it offDrysdale stands in the middle of the room. Raises his index
finger, touches the ceiling.
DRYSDALE
What time is it?
ALZADO
It’s game time!
DRYSDALE
I SAID WHAT TIME IS IT?
EVERYONE
IT’S GAME TIME!
Drysdale starts bouncing up and down. The other groomsmen
fall in, arms in the air holding onto Drysdale’s arm. They
jump together, WHOOPING and HOLLERING...
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
127
INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
118
127
Our dapper gang strides confidently down the hall. Doug leads
the way. The guys approach a nervous Edmundo and a furious
looking Ed Palmer mid-conversation with an elderly priest,
FATHER MCNULTY, 60’s.
EDMUNDO
Doug! Perfect timing. I was just
informing Ed that due to a...
Edmundo makes “air quotes” with his fingers.
EDMUNDO (cont’d)
“SCANDAL.” Father O’Brien will not
be able to officiate your wedding.
Doug looks to Ed.
ED PALMER
Un-fucking-believable...
EDMUNDO
(quickly)
Rest assured, I have it all under
control. Father McNulty, here, has
agreed to step in as O’Brien’s
replacement.
FATHER MCNULTY
Hello Doug.
By now Doug’s ready to roll with any punches that come his
way. He shakes McNulty’s hand.
DOUG
Nice to meet you, Father.
EDMUNDO
Father McNulty is a wonderful
priest. He and I have worked
together on many beautiful
ceremonies.
DOUG
No problem, Edmundo. I’m really
just happy the day’s finally here.
Father, I want you to meet my
friends. This is my best manDoug turns to introduce Jimmy, but he’s not there.
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
DOUG (cont’d)
(perplexed)
Where’d Bic go?
The guys shrug and look at each other. Doug glances to the
side where Jimmy’s crammed into a corner frantically
motioning to Doug “I’m not here”...
DOUG (cont’d)
(confused)
I guess...he took a different way.
Edmundo senses something’s wrong.
EDMUNDO
Ed, you should take Father McNulty
to meet Mrs. Palmer before we get
started. Time is not on our side.
FATHER MCNULTY
Well I look forward to meeting him.
(nods to the groomsmen)
Gentlemen.
Ed leads Father McNulty around the corner--Jimmy emerges.
DOUG
What’s the matter with you?
JIMMY
Fuckfuckfuck.
What?
DOUG
JIMMY
(to Edmundo)
What the fuck is Father McNulty
doing here?!?
EDMUNDO
(stuck in wedding planner
mode)
Father McNulty’s a wonderful-DOUG
(interrupting)
Wait-WHAT?!? How do you know Father
McNulty?!?
JIMMY
He was my principal at Saint
Bernard-
119
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
120
EDMUNDO
(natural Mexican accent)
How the fuck would I know that,
ese?
DOUG
You’re kidding right? This is one
of your jokes to scare meJIMMY
No joke, man. I can’t go out there-he knows I’m Jimmy Callahan. I
spent half of my middle school
years in his office.
DOUG
Whoa, wait, please! This isn’t
happening. You have to fix thisJIMMY
What do you want me to do? I walk
out there, Father knows I ain’t Bic
Mitchum...
DOUG
Wait! I got an idea!
128
INT. CATHEDRAL - OFFICE - SAME TIME
128
Father McNulty closes his Bible. Starts to put on his robe.
Someone KNOCKS, he opens the door...to see: Plunkett and
Drysdale standing there in suits...
DRYSDALE
Father McNulty?
Yes?
FATHER MCNULTY
Plunkett and Drysdale pull down SKI-MASKS over their faces.
OFF Father McNulty’s terrified look129
EXT. CATHEDRAL - LATER
129
Pre-wedding photos. Gretchen in the middle cheek-to-cheek,
flanked by her entire extended family and bridesmaids.
FLASH: In the bg of a PHOTO, we see Plunkett and Drysdale, in
ski masks, passing with Father McNulty in their arms,
kicking, his head in a pillow case, hands and feet zip-tied!
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
130
BEHIND THE CATHEDRAL - MINUTES LATER
121
130
Ed’s in Edmundo’s faceED PALMER
Couple hundred thousand dollars out
the door, I expect-hell I demand
perfection today!
EDMUNDO
Mr. Palmer, I assure you thatED PALMER
Listen up Menudo. I got my wife
screaming the bouquets are Nosegays
instead of goddamned Beidermeiers.
I got two negroes, a gimp, a
Chinaman and a Jew bastard in the
wedding party. First you tell me
that my family priest’s a goddamn
pervert and now you tell me Father
McNulty’s disappeared?!?
EDMUNDO
Mr. Palmer, I’ll take care of it.
ED PALMER
You better. Tell you right now, I’d
tear you a new asshole if I didn’t
think you’d enjoy it!
131
INT. CATHEDRAL - LATER
131
The ORGAN accompanies the wedding procession--our groomsmen
stride confidently, smiling at the guests...
Doug enters from the side. Then the music CRESCENDOES and
Gretchen starts down the aisle on Ed’s arm. Ed grimaces,
limping as he escorts her...
As they reach the altar, Ed’s knee buckles, he grabs Gretchen
for support, almost takes her down.
GARVEY
(low)
You want me to get an usher to help
you back to your seat pops?
Ed glares at the groomsmen all smirking at him.
PLUNKETT
(whispers)
I’ll loan you my chair.
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
122
ED
(low, back at him)
Watch it or you’ll be driving your
chair with one of those(as if through a straw)
Whhh-wzz-whtts.
GRETCHEN
(hisses)
Dad! Jesus Christ! I’m trying to
get marriedJIMMY (O.S.)
Shall we do this?
Jimmy, wearing PRIESTLY ROBES, stands at the altar in front
of the packed house. He slowly raises his hands motioning for
everyone to be calmCUT TO:
132
MINUTES LATER
132
The wedding guests watch Jimmy perform the ceremony.
JIMMY
Do you, Gretchen Palmer, take
Douglas Harris as your lawfully
wedded husband to have and to hold
in sickness and in health until
death do you part?
I do.
GRETCHEN
JIMMY
And do you Douglas Harris take
Gretchen Palmer as your lawfully
wedded wife. To have and to hold in
sickness and in health until death
do you part?
I do.
DOUG
Jimmy smiles. Raises his arms to the congregation...
133
ESTABLISHING: THE BILTMORE HOTEL - THAT NIGHT (WEDDING #3)133
The gorgeous hotel in downtown Los Angeles.
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
134
123
INT. THE BILTMORE - BALLROOM - CONTINUOUS (WEDDING #3)
134
The Social Pages Golden Tux Fiesta. Hundreds of WASPS
flitting about among the hors d’oeuvres and cocktails.
QUICK CUTS OF THE GROOMSMEN MINGLING WITH GUESTS:
CAREW
...the debilitating pain associated
with prominence of the fifth
metatarsal head is due to...
GARVEY
...and organogenesis of
corresponding pistillate structures
of Aphandra natalia...
PLUNKETT
Why, then, you ask are Indiana's
squirrel-rich forests threatened?
RAMBIS
I seek to change the focus of the
“principalship” from one of
management to one of learning.
(sips his drink)
Do you play racquetball?
CUT TO:
135
INT. BILTMORE - MEN’S RESTROOM - SAME (WEDDING #3)
Doug and Jimmy stand side by side at the urinals. Jimmy
whistles while he pees. Spirits are high.
DOUG
We did it, man. I can’t believe we
pulled it off.
JIMMY
Ye of little faith. I told you,
Tonto, I’m the BEST there is.
DOUG
That you are.
Jimmy finishes. Shakes. Strolls over to the sink.
JIMMY
But I have to admit. You really
stepped it up today. Brought your
“A-game”. I’m proud of you.
135
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
124
Jimmy washes his hands. Doug continues to pee.
DOUG
Thanks Jimmy. I learned from the
master.
JIMMY
Keep it up, champ. We’re almost
there.
Jimmy grabs a paper towel. Doug is still peeing.
JIMMY (cont’d)
Jesus. You’re like a camel. I’ll be
right outside.
He tosses the paper towel into the trash. Leaves the room.
136
INT. ALCOVE OUTSIDE THE RESTROOMS - CONTINUOUS (WEDDING #3)
136
Jimmy steps into a beautifully decorated alcove connecting
the men’s and women’s restrooms. Gretchen, escorted by Holly,
walks by as the door to the men’s room closes.
JIMMY
(all smiles)
Mrs. Harris.
Save it.
GRETCHEN
Holly goes into the women’s restroom, Gretchen goes to
follow. Jimmy’s not sure what’s got her panties in a bunch,
but he’s not too concerned.
JIMMY
(charming as always)
I may be partial, but I have to say
you’ve put together the perfect
wedding.
Gretchen turns back.
GRETCHEN
Perfect? We were just married by an
Army chaplain, the groomsmen are
accosting the bridesmaids, my
grandma’s covered in burns, my
dad’s knee is ruined, and...
uh...don’t even get me started on
the salad dressing.
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124A
Jimmy’s taken aback. This is the real Gretchen. He looks at
the men’s room door.
CUT TO:
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
137
INT. MEN’S RESTROOM - CONTINUOUS (WEDDING #3)
125
137
Doug washes his hands at the sink, goes to the door, about to
open it, and OVERHEARS Jimmy talking with Gretchen, he stops138
INT. ALCOVE OUTSIDE THE RESTROOMS - CONTINUOUS (WEDDING #3)
138
Anticipating Doug’s arrival, Jimmy tries to lighten the mood.
JIMMY
At least you’re here with Doug.
True love conquers all...
GRETCHEN
True love? Please, spare me. Not
everyone finds their knight in
shining armor. I’m just tired of
dating assholes. Doug’s a great
guy, he’s good father material.
Call me crazy, I’m a girl that’s
used to a certain lifestyle, and he
can afford to give me the lifestyle
that I want. It’s enough to make a
girl say I DO...
Jimmy looks back at the men’s room door.
GRETCHEN (CONT’D) (cont’d)
Even if he is a bit of a nerd and
she really doesn’t.
JIMMY
But lucky. For having met you.
Obviously.
GRETCHEN
Blow me, Father.
With that, Gretchen walks back into the bathroom. Jimmy’s
floored, but before he can completely assess the situation,
Doug walks out of the men’s room.
DOUG
Hey man, you waiting on me?
JIMMY
I was um... did you... uh-DOUG
C’mon! Let’s get back out there.
First dance is coming up.
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
126
Doug walks off. Jimmy looks relieved, but conflicted.
CUT TO:
139
INT. THE BILTMORE - BALLROOM - MOMENTS LATER (WEDDING #3) 139
HAL LANE
(singing)
You are so beautiful...you are so
beautiful...to me.
Doug and Gretchen in the midst of their first dance...
HAL LANE (O.S.) (cont’d)
And would the wedding party please
join our couple...
Jimmy escorts Alison to the dance floor while the groomsmen
pair up with the less-than-excited bridesmaids.
Pan over various groomsmen showing off their unique dance
floor flair before finally settling on a suave Jimmy leading
a charmed Alison.
ALISON
So who are you really?
JIMMY
I’m not sure what you mean by that.
Jimmy spins Alison. She comes back around, smilesALISON
Jumping crock pots setting women on
fire, old drunk guys on courthouse
steps, military codes and kitchen
cabinets...?
JIMMY
(smiles)
The Lord works in mysterious ways.
His wonders to perform...
ALISON
Not sure about The Lord, but I know
you definitely work in mysterious
ways.
Jimmy shrugs, glances over at Doug who looks miserable.
ALISON (cont’d)
Father Bic?
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
Yeah?
127
JIMMY
ALISON
The song’s over.
(kisses him on the cheek)
Thanks for the dance.
Alison smiles flirtatiously and walks away. Doug grabs
Jimmy’s arm, drags him away from the crowd.
DOUG
I gotta talk, we gotta talkJIMMY
Whoa, Douglas, relax...
140
INT. BALCONY ALCOVE AREA - MOMENTS LATER (WEDDING #3)
140
Doug stands on a private alcove balcony, looking out over the
wedding, the guests, runs his hands through his hair, franticDOUG
Is there a Stage Five?
JIMMY
No. By now you should be alright.
DOUG
I think I’ve made a terrible
mistake. She doesn’t love me. She
never has.
JIMMY
Of course she loves you. She-DOUG
I overheard you two talking.
Shit! But, Jimmy’s a pro... he swings into crisis control.
JIMMY
Don’t jump to any conclusions.
She’s just got the jitters. It’s
perfectly nor-DOUG
It doesn’t matter. I don’t love her
either. I loved that a girl that
looked like her liked me. I
couldn’t believe it... She’s not
THE ONE, Jimmy.
(MORE)
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
DOUG (cont'd)
She’s not even...The Two or The
Three for that matter.
127A
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
JIMMY
Doug. Nine days ago you asked me to
pull off a miracle and now we’re
thirty minutes away from closing a
Golden TuxDOUG
I know. And I go back to what turns
out was a pretty lonely life. I
don’t want that life anymore. I
don’t want to be that guy.
JIMMY
Trust me, everything’s gonna be
fine.
DOUG
I don’t want it to be fine, I want
it to be great. I want my real life
to be as fun as the one I paid for.
JIMMY
Well no shit Doug. But that’s not
how it works. You don’t think I’d
rather be a Delta Airline pilot or
the CFO of Lubriderm...or anything
else I’ve made up instead of some
guy who works out of a fucking
renovated closet? You don’t think
I’d love to ask Alison to go out
for burritos with me--Jimmy
Callahan? Or even grab a beer with
you next week or go catch a game? I
want all that shit, but it’s not
gonna happen because I can’t go out
there and tell the truth...because
you need Bic. Nobody needs Jimmy.
Jimmy looks away, unable to make eye-contact.
JIMMY (cont’d)
I’m gonna give my toast and then
we’re done here.
Jimmy walks off to go back down to the banquet hall.
JIMMY (cont’d)
(quietly to himself)
It’s showtime.
OFF Doug standing alone...
128
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
141
QUICK SHOTS OF PARTY TRICKS (WEDDING #3)
Garvey hovers a pea above his mouth...
IMPRESSED GIRL
Can you do that with a lima bean?
GARVEY
No, it has to be round.
IMPRESSED GIRL
What about a peanut?
GARVEY
Uh. No. That’s not round.
Garvey proceeds to do a variety of crazier pea hoverings,
juggling multiple peas with his breath.
Carew flexes his pecs through his dress-shirt...
IMPRESSED GIRL 2
You must work out.
CAREW
Three times a week actually.
IMPRESSED GIRL 2
That’s actually fairly average.
Dickerson dislocates his shoulder...
Oh my god!
Mom!
BABS FREMONT
ALEXANDRA PLYLOW
(running off)
A GROUP OF GUYS stare down at Rambis’ open fly...stunned.
Drysdale does his SPAGHETTI LEGS party trickIMPRESSED GIRL 3
That’s honestly...the coolest thing
I’ve ever seen.
Plunkett puts Holly Munk’s hand in his lap...
PLUNKETT
It’s amazing, it hasn’t worked in
years, and then I saw you...
129
141
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
141A
DINNER TIME (WEDDING #3)
129aA
141A
The Legend Football Player table, blaming each other for the
loss-
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
142
DINNER TIME ELSEWHERE (WEDDING #3)
129A
142
Guests pick through their meals.
Grandma, in a wig, a few pieces of gauze on her burns...sits
with a few of the groomsmen. Alzado turns, making small talkALZADO
So Grandma, you having a good time?
GRANDMA
Go fetch me some salt porch monkey.
Everyone stops eating, shocked, look at Alzado, concernedALZADO
Monkey porch salt some me fetch go.
The table laughs, the situation defused.
GRANDMA
(louder)
Damnit boy, you deaf?
Alzado pushes back from the tableALZADO
A’ight, shutup ya old cunt, shut up
and eat your fuckin soup.
OFF Grandma’s shock as the other groomsmen calm Alzado
down...
JIMMY (O.S.)
Good evening...
143
ON THE DANCE FLOOR (WEDDING #3)
Jimmy’s holding the mic, addressing the packed room.
JIMMY
My name’s Bic Mitchum. And I want
to say how honored I am to be here.
I’ve delivered many a sermon but
never a best man speech...
143
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
130
The audience LAUGHS.
JIMMY (cont’d)
Doug and I have shared a lot
together. Happy times and sad. When
I was accepted into the priesthood,
Doug was there for me with a huge
hug--and a Bible signed by Cardinal
Enders. And when his parents, Merle
& Irene(crosses himself)
Lord rest their soul, passed, I
cried as if they were my own
parents...
AWWWS from the room.
Jimmy turns to Doug.
JIMMY (cont’d)
My Grandma once told me the true
measure of friendship isn’t how you
feel about someone else. It’s how
they make you feel about yourself.
And I’ve never had a friend who
makes me feel the way you do, Doug.
And I don’t think I ever will.
It begins to dawn on Jimmy... he really means what he says
and he pauses. Loses his train of thought for a moment. He
looks around the room at everyone’s faces as they await his
next words... then he looks at Doug who looks at him as if to
say - “are you okay?” And he breaks into a smile.
JIMMY (cont’d)
So, when Doug called and said he
was proposing, I was just as
nervous as he was. I said “Are you
sure she’s The One?” And he told
me...
Jimmy sees Doug’s smiling, but it’s obvious that he’s still
unsure about this marriage.
Jimmy turns to GretchenHe said...
JIMMY (cont’d)
Gretchen smiles at Doug now. Doug weakly smiles back...
Jimmy’s still searching for the words. Unable to go through
with it. Is this a crisis of conscience? Then-Stop!
DOUG
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131
Doug moves to Jimmy’s side.
JIMMY
(low)
Doug, what the hell are you doing?
DOUG
(low)
Thanks, Jimmy. I can take it from
here...
Doug motions for the mic--Jimmy reluctantly hands it over.
Doug stares out at the silent room, clears his throat, thenDOUG (cont’d)
I’ve got something to say. None of
this is real...
GASPS from the audience. Jimmy stares in shock as Gretchen
almost faints. Lois holds onto her table to steady herself as
Ed flushes with rage.
DOUG (cont’d)
None of this. You see, although the
flowers are beautiful and the salad
dressing tastes great, really great
actually, we’re not married.
Because Bic’s not really a
priest...
Doug stares at the silent room staring back at him. Realizes
what he’s just done andDOUG (cont’d)
(spit-fire)
He’s not in the Army either. His
name’s Jimmy and I hired him to be
my best man because I had no one
else, same with my groomsmen. I
don’t even know their real names.
So I’m sorry if I just ruined your
night but please stay and enjoy the
cake.
Doug nods at the dumbfounded room. Slowly exhales, weight of
the world off his shoulders. Turns to Jimmy who’s staring at
him wide-eyed and slack-jawedDOUG (cont’d)
(whispers)
What do I do now?
Jimmy spots Ed, enraged, struggling to his feet-
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132
JIMMY
You should probably get the fuck
outta here.
MURMURS build as Doug and Jimmy walk across the empty dance
floor...
DICKERSON (O.S.)
WE LOVE YOU DOUGIE!!!
GRETCHEN (O.S.)
(livid)
Are you out of your mind?!?
Gretchen steps in front of himDOUG
Look, I’m sorry, IGretchen slaps the shit out of him. Doug nods to himself,
regarding her, Jimmy stands awkwardly...
DOUG (cont’d)
Who’re we kidding, Gretch? You
didn’t grow up dreaming of a guy
like me. Your knight’s out there
somewhere. Go find him...Okay, good
luck.
Doug and Jimmy turn to see Ed hobble-hopping towards them...
ED PALMER
You goddamn motherfucking pathetic
sonovabitch! I’m gonna rip off your
fucking head andDoug and Jimmy scurry for the exit, and Edmundo steps into
Ed’s wayED PALMER (cont’d)
Get out of my way you fucking fairyEdmundo sweeps his leg, soccer-styleEDMUNDO
(in his Mexican accent)
Fuck off, puto.
Jimmy and Doug start off and encounter...ED’S FOOTBALL
BUDDIES. There’s a moment of a standoff...thenLEGEND QUARTERBACK
That was a hell of a catch, kid.
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
132A
The Legend QB stands aside, and pats Doug on the ass, letting
him and Jimmy pass.
They’re almost to the exit, and Jimmy is cut off by Alison
who regards him with a wry grin, he goes to her a second, and
Doug waits, eyes searching the room for other assailants-
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
133
ALISON
I knew you were full of shit the
second I met you.
JIMMY
Look, this might sound crazy, but
if you’re ever in the mood, I know
a place that makes great burritos.
ALISON
(incredulous)
Are you kidding me? You just
completely destroyed my sister’s
wedding, embarrassed my entire
family andJIMMY
Can I call you?
ALISON
(smiling)
You better!
They share a moment...Alison looks around.
ALISON (cont’d)
You should get outta here.
Jimmy and Doug make their exit144
INT. THE BILTMORE - HALLWAY - MINUTES LATER (WEDDING #3) 144
Doug & Jimmy share relieved look, taking in what just went
down, they start walking down the hallway for the exit...
JIMMY
We were this close.
DOUG
Yeah, well. Maybe next time.
Doug reaches into his pocket and pulls out a checkHere.
DOUG (cont’d)
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
DOUG (cont’d)
You saved me, Jimmy.
133A
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
134
JIMMY
Yeah, well. You saved me back.
DOUG
But, what you said back there...
did you mean it? Am I really your
friend?
JIMMY
Of course you’re my friend.
DOUG
Does that mean you don’t want my
money?
JIMMY
(beat)
What’re you fuckin’ nuts? I earned
that money, friend.
DOUG
...So what do we do now?
Jimmy stops and thinks...
JIMMY
Well...you never went on that guy
trip...you still got two first
class tickets for the honeymoon?
OFF Doug’s lookCUT TO:
145
INT. AIRPLANE FUSELAGE - COACH - LATER
145
Doug and Jimmy sit side-by-side, drinking champagne...
DOUG
This is nice. This is gonna be niceJIMMY
It’s amazing how many coach tickets
you get for trading in two first
class tickets.
WIDE REVEAL: Around them...it’s chaos. TRAVELERS following
the lead of the groomsmen, who are up and partying with party
girls, the Attractive Traveler from TSA is there with
Drysdale. They’re doing beer bongs...Edmundo is there with
Angel...Doris is there with a smile on her face.
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
135
CAPTAIN (O.S.)
We’re turning on the fasten
seatbelt sign, we’ll be landing in
Tahiti shortlyA FEMALE FLIGHT ATTENDANT tries to get the party to calm downFEMALE FLIGHT ATTENDANT
Everyone. Everyone! Please, we need
you to take your seats nowPlunkett grabs the Flight Attendant, pulls her on his lapPLUNKETT
Can I unfasten my pants-belt?
He kisses her, she’s into it...
Nadia approaches from the front of the plane with a bottle of
TEQUILA, straddles Doug and starts rubbing below frame,
appearing as if she’s jerking him off.
NADIA
Oh, you like that...yeah...that’s
the spot...you’re twitching. You’re
so soft...You’re nose is so cold.
A DOG BARKS.
REVEAL: Nadia is actually petting FLETCHER, he’s alive but in
a pretty hefty jaw brace...sitting in between Jimmy and Doug.
A MALE FLIGHT ATTENDANT, RA’INUI, approachesMALE FLIGHT ATTENDANT (RA’INUI)
Is that a dog? You can’t have a dog
on the plane.
Doug looks up from taking a BODY SHOT off of Nadia...
DOUG
(coughing, laughs)
Oh no, he’s...a service dog.
JIMMY
Hey, send back the peanut butter!
DOUG
NO! NO PEANUT BUTTER!
DOLLY BACK IN WIDE AS...
GREEN REVISED 10.22.13
136
PLUNKETT
THIS IS GONNA BE THE BEST HONEYMOON
EVER!
ALZADO
EVER HONEYMOON BEST THE BE GONNA IS
THIS!
The Travelers start a new song, lead by EdmundoEVERYONE
(singing)
You put the WEED IN THE COCONUT...
CUT TO BLACK.