RearingChildrenWisensParents:
HowGodHelpsParentsSeeTheirOwnNeedforSpiritualDiscernment
Proverbs3:5-6,13-26
(RobertVincent)
Comenotprimarilyasapastor,butafellowparent
Notasonewithasenseofachievement,butwithgratitudeforsmallprogressandthankfulthereisstill
timeandopportunitytogrow
• Ilovebeingadad;ithasbeenthesingle,greatestimpetustomyownspiritualgrowth
• Fourintroductorystatementsaboutthehome(bothmarriageandparenting)
o Noarenaismoreunderspiritualattack
o Noarenaprovidesmoreopportunitiesforkingdomadvance
! Providesthechurchwithherleaders
! Idealforumfordiscipleship
o Noarenainwhatyouchoosetodoissoimportant
o Noarenainwhatyouchoosenottodoissovital–bydesign,orbydefault
! Whatisabsentfrommyhomeofteninfluencesmyfamilyjustasmuchaswhatispresent
! Ramificationsofwhatyoudoanddon’tdolastalifetime,andoftenperpetuatethemselvesfor
generationsbeyond
• Four“haunting”realitiescontinuallyoccupymyparentingscreensaver
o Hauntedbyaconversation(manwholostallfourofchildren)
o Hauntedbymyownyouthfulexperience
Youthfulnessis“aglassyagewhenSatanfindsasweptchamber–andagarnishedlodgingfor
himselfandhistrain”(SamuelRutherfordquotedinRendellT.Kingsley,SamuelRutherford,37).
“Imustfirsttellyou,thatthereisnotsuchaglassy,icy,andslipperypieceofwaybetwixtyouand
heaven,asYouth”(LettersofSamuelRutherford,#131,toEarlstontheYounger).
“Itisnotpossibleforyoutoknowtillexperienceteachyou,howdangerousatimeyouthis”(Philip
Henry).
o Basedonrealityofotheryoungpeoplecloselyconnectedwithourfamilywhojettisonedthefaith
o Presentproblemisalsosomewhatofahistoricalproblem,eveninournewlyfounded“Christian”
country
! HalfwayCovenant(1662)–flawedattempttofixorstemagenerationalspiritualproblem;first
generationbroughtupinAmericaonWestminsterConfessionanditsconfessionaloffspring
neededtheHalfwayCovenant
Thesis1:ParentingisdesignedbyGodasthemeansbywhichwetrainupourchildrentomaturity(whocan
developtheskillofjudgingwell)
Theaimofparentingisnotconformityformychildren,butcharacter;notprotectionorprofessionalism,
butspiritualprogress.Toagreatdegreetheircharacterandprogressismeasuredbytheirabilityto
discernwell.“Discern”consistsoftwoparts:disc–offoraway;cernere–separate,sift
o Whentheycandiscernforthemselvesbetweengoodandevil(biblicaldescriptionsofmaturityapplyto
rearingchildren,too)
• Fromspiritualinfants(1Corinthians3:1-2)intomaturity(2Timothy3:17),thoroughlyfurnished
• Fromadietofmilktosolidfood(1Corinthians3:2)
•
•
•
•
Frombeingweakintostrong(Romans14-15)
Frombeingchildrentothosewhohavetheirsensesexercisedtodiscernbetweenevilandgood.
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Forthoughbythistimeyououghttobeteachers,youhaveneedagainforsomeonetoteach
youtheelementaryprinciplesoftheoraclesofGod,andyouhavecometoneedmilkandnot
solidfood.13Foreveryonewhopartakesonlyofmilkisnotaccustomedtothewordof
righteousness,forheisaninfant.14Butsolidfoodisforthemature,whobecauseofpractice
havetheirsensestrainedtodiscerngoodandevil(Hebrews5:12-14).
o Whentheycancometodiscernbetweenthingsthatdiffer(evenbetweengoodandbetter,orbetter
andbest)–Philippians1:9-11
o WhentheycancometodiscernwhatispleasingtoGod(Ephesians5:10)
o Whentheycancometoascertainwhatisthegood,acceptable,andperfectwillofGod(Romans12:12)
Inordertoteachthesekindsofdiscernmenttomychildren,Imustpossessdiscernmentandgrowinit
myself.
Thesis2:Forparents,parentingisoneoftheprimaryrelationalprocessesbywhichGodcontinuesourown
maturity,andoneoftheprimarymeansbywhichHemakesusmorediscerning.(anotheroftheprimary
meansismarriageitself)
Forthisreason,Goddidnotprovideuswithanexplicitmanualorsimpleformulaforparenting.Instead,
Hepressesusmoredeeplyintogrowthbygivingustheresponsibilitytoexercisediscernmentforothers
(notyetabletoexerciseitthemselves),tomodeldiscernmentforthoselearners,andactivelytoteach
discernmenttothem.Asparentswecometoseemorethaneverourownneedfordiscernment,andit
shouldburdenustoteachittoourchildren.
Idon’thavealltheanswers,andbeingaparentremindsmeregularlythatIdonot.
“ItappearsthatGodhasdeliberatelyleftusinaquandaryaboutmanythings.WhydidHenot
summarizealltherulesinonebook,andallthebasicdoctrinesinanother?Hecouldhaveeliminated
theloopholes,preventedalltheschismsovermoralityandfalseteachingthathaveplaguedthechurch
fortwothousandyears.Thinkofthesquabblingandperplexitywewouldhavebeenspared.Andthink
ofthecropofdwarfsHewouldhavereared!”(ElisabethElliot,TheLibertyofObedience,56-57)
Sooftenthisgoescountertowhatwewant.“Justtelluswhattodo!”wecry.
Howtheniswisdomanddiscernmentcaughtandtaught?Whatarethewaysinwhichwepackandshapeour
children’sdiscernmentfilterstoreflectthatourownisalsobeingshaped?
• Bymodeling–allowingmywifeandchildrentoseeGodmakemeintowhatHewantsmetobe
(Proverbs23:26).
o HowwhatIaminChristisconnectedtowhatIdo
• Byinstruction–findingoutwhatGodwantsmychildrentoknow,particularlyaboutHimself,and
makingsuretheylearnit
o Deuteronomy6:6-7(fearofGod,Hispresence,Hisways)
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•
•
Bycommandstaught,emphasized,andenforced(AsScripturallyinformedaspossibletoconnectour
authoritywithGod’s)–holdingthemtothewordsandwaysofGod(beyondtheletterofthelaw–to
thespiritofit).
o Myson,donotforgetmyteaching,butletyourheartkeepmycommandments(Proverbs3:1)
o Thenhetaughtmeandsaidtome,“Letyourheartholdfastmywords;Keepmycommandments
andlive”(Proverbs4:4).
! SomeareBible–Weneedtoteachtheseinawaythatdemonstratesthatweareourselves
underauthority
! Someareeffortstoteachcommonsenseandsafety
• “Don’tplaywithdoors.”
Bylearningtonavigatebetweenthelinesofcommands
...theprocessofputtingtwocommandstogetherinamomentwhentheyseemtoconflict,orthe
processbywhichmultiplecommandsareprioritizedinrelationtoeachother,ortheprocessofcoming
toanapplication,orarrivingatanswerstodelicatequestionsoverwhichevencarefulpeopledisagree.
o Proverbs
[T]herearedetailsofcharactersmallenoughtoescapethemeshofthelawandthebroadsidesof
theprophets,andyetdecisiveinpersonaldealings (DerekKidner,Proverbs,13).
i.e.,Honoryourfatherandmother(Exodus20:12).‘Cursedishewhodishonorshisfatheror
mother.’Andallthepeopleshallsay,‘Amen’(Deuteronomy27:16).
Ezekiel22:7Theyhavetreatedfatherandmotherlightlywithinyou.Thealientheyhave
oppressedinyourmidst;thefatherlessandthewidowtheyhavewrongedinyou.
i.e.,TheLawteachesustoloveourneighbor,butbeaware,hemaybeanangryman,a
sluggard,asimpleton,orafoolishmanandourdealingswithhimwouldhavetobecustomized.
Proverbscomesalongandhelpsusseehowinseparablyconnectedourparentsaretous,andthe
degreetowhichourconductimpactstheirveryemotions.
o 1Corinthians–questions(takestimeandpatience)
PaulismodelingdiscernmentasheteachestheCorinthianshowtobediscerninglyconsecrated
withintheirownculture.Hegivescommands,butmorefrequentlyheisaskingprobing,pointed
questions–107ofthemspreadoutin14differentchapters!Paulisaimingtoteachdiscernment
guidedbylove(1Corinthians13),andpartofhismethodistoteachtheCorinthianshowtobe
goodquestionaskers.
“Duringmygraduatestudies,Itookacourseinwhichhalfthegradedependeduponthe
answerswegaveonexams,whiletheotherhalfwasbasedonthequestionsweaskedinthe
class.Theprofessorwasafirmbelieverinthevalueofaskingtherightquestions.Ifthereisa
sliveroflightinthedarknessofthishour,itisinthefactthatweareaskingtherightquestions”
(RaviZacharias,LightintheShadowofJihad:TheStruggleforTruth,14-15).
“Thisisthegenerationofquestions.Everybodyseemstohavehisownquestion.Questionsare
importanttoask,butitismoreimportanttoasktherightones.Asuccessfullawyerwillwinor
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loseacasesimplybythequestionsheasksordoesnotask.Thereisnoendtoquestions,and
wecanbeboggeddowntryingtoanswereachandeverylittleone.Findingourwaythrough
themazeofquestionstodayisanall-but-impossibleride”(A.W.Tozer,TheCrucifiedLife,2425).
Weneedwisdomtoanswerthequestionscorrectly,butweneedwisdomtoasktheright
questions,andtruewisdomonlycomesfromGod(Proverbs2:6)asdoesthegracetoreceiveand
applyit.
Thehallwayofdiscernmentnotonlyopensintotheroomofobedience,butitshelpfullightseepsinto
evenpoorlylitcornersoftheroom,guidingonecarefullytoobedienceinfullestmeasure.
Iwantmychildrentofollowinmyways,butevenmoreIwantthemtosupersedemeintheirobedienceto
theLord.Iwantthemtobeginearlier,understandbetter,assessmorequickly,discernmorewisely,
advancefarther,bemoreclean,havefewerscars,perseverelonger,bemoreready....Iwantthemto
standonmyshoulderslikeIwasprivilegedtostandonmyownfather’s(trueevenifone’sparentswere
unbelieversorpoorexamples).
Iwantmychildren’sobediencetolooklikemine,butI’mcertainthatitwilllookdifferentinsomeways.
Butiftheprocessbywhichtheyarriveattheirchoiceslookslikemine(orisbetter!),andthereasonsfor
theirchoicesareinkeepingwithmine,thenIthinkIwillbehappy.
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Somepersonalexamplesaiminginthisdirection:
Inthemid90’swhenIservedasaprincipalofasmallChristianschool,Iwouldagonizeoverhowtoreachthe
heartsofthestudents,particularlywhendealingwithdisciplineissues.Iwouldoftenhavethestudentswho
misbehaveddoassignments:
• Provide2BiblereasonswhyIshouldnothavedonewhatIdid
• Give5othercorrectoptionsIcouldhavetakenthantheoneIchose
• Recall10thingsIshouldhavethoughtofbeforeIactedthewayIdid,anyoneofwhichhadIappliedit,
couldhavepreventedmywrong.
Athome,aswewerebeginningoureffortswithourownchildren,Iwasstruckonedaybyacommentour
daughtermadewhenIattemptedtocorrectheraboutwhatseemedtometobeanobviouswrong.She
respondedveryinnocently,“Dad,younevertaughtmethisbefore.”
o WasIgoingtohavetothinkofaruleforeverything?
o WasIgoingtohavetoenvisioneverypossiblesituationinwhichshemightfindherselfandprepareher
inadvance?
! CouldIdothis?
! DidIevenwantto?(wouldcreatearulebookthatwoulddwarftheBibleinsize)
• Ihadgrownupinamilitaryhome.Icoulddorules.YetIalsoknewthatthoughrulescould
produceakindofuniformityofresponse,framingrulesandforcingconformitywereno
guaranteethatmaturitywouldcome.Growinguponmilitarybasesmostofmylife,I
understoodthatrulesandtrainingcouldtransformboystoformidablemen,butIhad
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witnessedenoughtoknowthatmilitaryprowessandpersonalmaturityweretwoverydifferent
things.
Here’soursetofhouserulesforwhenthechildrenweresmall.Theyarestillinplace,butasyou’llsee,we’ve
hadtoadaptasthechildrenmultipliedandtheymatured:
1.BERESPECTFUL
...bylisteningcarefullytoandinstantlyfollowingallinstructions.
Awisemanwillhearandincreaseinlearning(Proverbs1:5).
Ifyouwouldliketodosomethingotherthanwhatyouaretold,youmayaskpermissiononlyafteryou
begintoobey.
...bylookingatthepersonspeakingtoyou
Givemeyourheart,myson,andletyoureyesdelightinmyways(Proverbs23:26).
...byspeaking/answeringinawaythatshowsIappreciatetheotherperson
Sheopenshermouthwithwisdom;andtheteachingofkindnessisonhertongue(Proverbs31:26).
...BycaringfortheLord’spropertyinourhome
2.BEHONEST
...bytellingthetruthinwordandaction
Atrustworthywitnesswillnotlie(Proverbs14:5a).
3.BEKIND
...byinitiatinggoodtoorforothers
Hewhodiligentlyseeksgoodseeksfavor(Proverbs11:27).
...byavoidingbehaviorthatprovokesanger
Forthechurningofmilkproducesbutter,andpressingthenosebringsforthblood;sothechurning
ofangerproducesstrife(Proverbs30:33).
4.BEHAPPY
...byobeyingwithahappyheart
Ajoyfulheartisgoodmedicine(Proverbs17:22).
Watchoveryourheartwithalldiligence,forfromitflowthespringsoflife(Proverbs4:23).
Thisfinalrulehelpsusconnectwrongbehaviortoawrongspirit.Veryseldomisonedisrespectfulwitha
happyspirit.Usuallytheunhappyspiritleadstodisrespectorunkindness,etc.Wrongbehaviorcanalso
influenceanother’sspirit.It’salsoahelpfulplankfortheonedoingthediscipline–it’shardtoenforce
thisoneifmyspiritisoutofcontrol.
Whatisgoinginthespirithascontagiousramifications.Adisciplinesituationisnotresolveduntilthespirit
andthecountenancechanges.
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Eachrulecanbeturnedintoaquestionthatwecouldaskthemortheycouldlearntoaskthemselves:
• Areyoubeingwise?
• Areyoubeingrespectful?
• Areyoubeingkind?
• Areyoubeinghonest?
• WhatdidGodseeyoudo?TellmewhatGodsaw.
Thenextlayerofthefilterconsistsoffourguidingquestions:
1. WhoamI?
2. WhereamI?
3. WhomdoIbelongto?
4. WhomdoIserve?
Astheyaged,theyweredoingmorethingsawayfromus–youthactivities,fieldtrips,etc.,andIfeltlikeI
neededacustomizabletooltoguidetheminthosevariedarenas.Informedbymyownpainfullessons
learnedfrommyyouth,Itriedtoaddtothefilterwehadinplaceathome.
1. BeaGraciousGuest
2. RemembertheGrownups
3. BeaGoad
4. WorkonGuy/Girlfriendships
5. BeGood
6. BeGiving/Generous
Addingthe6th“G”
Give–lookforwaystoservethosearoundyou(notjustthegrownupsorthepeopleyoulike);realize
you’llbetemptedto“get”
• Oneofthebestwaystoshowyou’rethankfultoGodbecauseHehasgivensomuchtoyou
• Itisoneofthebestwaystoministertoothers
• Itconfrontspride
Thisisjustoneexampleofaflawed,feebleattemptatbest.Butitrepresentsaprocessoftryingtopassalong
andinstillbyrepetitionsomethingGodhasbeenteachingmeaboutexercisingdiscernment.
Here’sanexampleofamore“grownup”editionforwhenourchildrenreachedhighschoolandcollege.
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LoveRulesintheHome
(thoughapplicableanywhereandallthetime)
Treatothersthesamewayyouwantthemtotreatyou(Luke6:31).
Foryouwerecalledtofreedom,brethren;only...throughloveserveoneanother(Galatians5:13).
AsImature...
1. ...responsibilityincreases...eventhoughI’mtemptedtobelieveitdecreases.
a. Inareasofdesignatedduties
“Soyoutoo,whenyoudoallthethingswhicharecommandedyou,say,‘Weareunworthyslaves;
wehavedoneonlythatwhichweoughttohavedone’”(Luke17:10).
b. Inareasofunspecifiedneed
Donotwithholdgoodfromthosetowhomitisdue,whenitisinyourpowertodoit(Proverbs
3:27).
2. ...humble,lovingconsiderationofthenextpersonisvital...eventhoughI’mtemptedtothinkprimarily
orexclusivelyaboutmyself.
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Donothingfromselfishnessoremptyconceit,butwithhumilityofmindregardoneanotheras
moreimportantthanyourselves;4donotmerelylookoutforyourownpersonalinterests,butalso
fortheinterestsofothers(Philippians2:3-4).
3. ...relationshipsrequireinitiatinginvestment...eventhoughI’mtemptedtotakethemforgranted.
Oilandperfumemaketheheartglad,soaman’scounselissweettohisfriend(Proverbs27:9).
Afriendlovesatalltimes...(Proverbs17:17).
4. ...myinfluenceincreases...eventhoughI’mtemptedtobeforgetfulofitortominimizeitsscope.
a. Withmyyoungersiblings
b. Withmypeersiblings
c. Withmyparents
Ironsharpensiron,soonemansharpensanother(Proverbs27:17).
WearebrothersandsistersintheLord,chosenbytheLord,andplacedtogetherbytheLordwiththe
opportunitytoserveeachotherinwaysthatreflectthemindofChrist(Philippians2:4-5).
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Andfinally,hereisourcurrenteffort.WehavetheunusualgiftfromtheLordtohavealmosta“second
family.”Thegapbetweenthetwosetsofchildrenpresentssomefreshchallengesforus,butitalsoprovides
somewonderfulopportunitiesforourparentingofboththeolderandyoungersetsofchildren.
AstandsforAsk
Inhumblesubmission
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Togoad,sharpen,equip,
Andstrengtheneachother.
(Proverbs17:17;18:24;27:17)
TruthforF:Beingagoodfriendmeansbeinga
godlyfriend.
GisforGrateful
ForallIreceive,
Forwhatisomitted,
ForWhomIbelieve.
(1Thessalonians5:18)
TruthforG:AthankfulheartknowsIreceivemore
thanIdeserveandnotallthatIdeserve.
HisforHumility
WhatGodmostlovestosee.
WhenGodfindsonehumble,
Hegivesgracelavishly.
(James4:6-10)
TruthforH:BeinghonestaboutGod’sgreatness
helpsmebehonestaboutmysmallness.
IlovesIntegrity
Atruelighttoguide
Inpathsjustandsure,
Wherestepsdonotslide.
(Proverbs2:7;3:21b-23;10:9;11:3,6;13:6;Psalm
37:31)
TruthforI:Doingwhatismostuprightisalwaysa
safestep.
JaimstobeJoyful
Withaheartthat’sready,
Meetspleasureandtrial,
Withaspiritthat’ssteady.
(Proverbs15:13;17:22;Philippians4:4;John15:11;
Acts2:46)
TruthforJ:Amerryhearttrulyismedicineformy
spiritandforothers.Ajoyfulheartisconstant
becauseitisanchoredinrealitiesthatdonot
change.
KkindlesKindness
Thathealswhatisbroken;
OfGod,inprayer,
Fromparents,permission.
(Philippians4:6-7;Ephesians6:1-2)
TruthforA:Duringmyyouth,IamunderDivine
andparentalauthority.
BsaystoBelieve
GodWhomIcan’tsee,
HesenttousJesus,
Andfirstlovedme.
(1John4:10,12,19;2Corinthians5:7)
TruthforB:Godaloneopenseyestoseetruththat
isinvisible.
CcallsforCalm
Quietandstill.
Formetobecalm,
Imustusemywill.
(Psalm131:1-2;Isaiah26:3)
TruthforC:WhatIknowandgivemyheartto
governsmydisposition.
DdemandsDiligence
Inwhathandsfindtodo;
Notfearfulofhardwork,
Persisting‘tilthrough.
(Ecclesiastes9:10;Colossians3:23;Ephesians6:6)
TruthforD:Workinghardtofinishwhatneedsto
bedoneisGod’swillforme.
ElearnstoEntreat
Withoutcomplaining;
Askshelpfulquestions
Whilealwaysobeying.
(1Timothy5:1-2;Leviticus19:32)
TruthforE:Appealstoanauthorityshouldbemade
witharespectfulspiritwhileobeying,notinplace
ofobedience.
FmeansgoodFriendships
Somecloserthanbrothers
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Respondswithkinddeeds
Andwordsfitlyspoken.
(Proverbs16:23-24;25:11;Ephesians4:32)
TruthforK:Kindnesstoothersgrowsfromthinking
aboutandimitatingGod’skindnesstowardme.
LlovestoListen
Prays“God,openmyears.”
ForwheneverGodspeaks
Hisyoungservanthears.
(1Samuel3:9-10;Isaiah50:4;Matthew11:15)
TruthforL:IneedtolistentoGod’sWordsuntilI
hearHisvoice.
MmeanstoMeditate
Thinkingoverandthrough
God’sWordnightandday,
Hiswilltopursue.
(Joshua1:8-9;Psalm1:1;Colossians1:9)
TruthforM:Preparingcarefullytofollow
obedientlyisGod’srecipeforsuccess.
NmeansagoodName,
Arightreputation,
Earnedbythefaithful
InGod’sestimation.
(Proverbs22:1;Ecclesiastes7:1;1Corinthians4:2)
TruthforN:Atrustworthyreputationamongmen
growsfromfaithfulnessbeforeGod.
OstandsforOffering
Ofbodyandsoul
ToGodwhoisworthy
Tohavemyheartwhole.
(Romans12:1-2;1Samuel15:22-23)
TruthforO:Icangivemywholebodyandsoulasa
pleasingofferingtoGod.
PstandsforPatient
Meanslearningtowait.
ThoughI’minahurry
Godneverislate.
(Psalm27:14)
TruthforP:Apatientspiritlearnstowait,
rememberingthatGod’sschedulemaydifferfrom
myown.
QstandsforQuick
Quicknesstolisten,
Quicktoobey,
Quickincontrition.
(James1:19;Psalm119:60;1John1:9)
TruthforQ:Imustsay“yes”toGodquickly...
beforeIbegintofindreasonstogoslowlyornotat
all.
RmeansRemember
Recallsfromthepast
God’swordsforthepresent;
Infaithholdsthemfast.
(Psalm77:11-12)
TruthforR:ForgettingGod’swordsisthefirststep
todisobeyingthem.
Ssays,“BeSensible!”
Toconsidereachchoice
AsatimefromourGod
TogiveeartoHisvoice.
(Proverbs14:8;15,18;15:5;Titus2:6)
TruthforS:PausetolistenforGod’svoiceinHis
Wordbeforeactinginhaste.
TisforTeachable
Anecessarygrace
Asksperceptivequestions,
Butremembersmyplace.
(Proverbs9:9;Psalm1:1;Philippians2:3)
TruthforT:Ateachablespiritvaluesothersasmore
importantthanmyself.
UlovesUnderstanding
Sadlyabsentinfools
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Butpresentinwisemen
WholearninChrist’sschool.
(Proverbs1:5;2:2-3,11;3:13;4:5;10:13,21)
TruthforU:Understandinggrowsfromknowledge
andisatestoftruewisdom.
VstandsforValor
Avirtuewithcourage;
Disciplinedindanger,
Weakheartsencourage.
(Joshua1:6;Romans15:1)
TruthforV:Abraveheartisboldtowarddanger
buttendertowardtheweak.
WisforWise
Humbleanddiscerning.
TogrowinGod’swisdom
Myyoungheartisyearning.
(Proverbs1:5;4:5;10:14)
TruthforW:Thewiseeagerlystoreupwisdomin
theirheartsforpresentandfutureuse.
XlongstoeXcite
Togoodworksandlove
Pointsotherstolive
Withmindsfixedabove.
(Hebrews10:24-25;Colossians3:1-2)
TruthforX:Thebestuseofmyinfluenceistopoint
otherstowhatGodwantsthemtoknowanddo.
YcallsustoYield
Withfaith-filledreflection;
Nottotemptation
ButtoGod’sdirection.
(Romans6:3,6,9,11,13)
TruthforY:WhatGodsaysistrueofHisownis
meanttodetermineourservicetoHim.
ZisforZealous
AheartloyaltoGod;
KnowsGodisjealous,
BowsbeforeHiminawe.
(Exodus20:5;Exodus15:11;Matthew4:10;
Romans12:11)
TruthforZ:AheartloyaltoGodworshipsand
servesonlyHim.
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