RearingChildrenWisensParents: HowGodHelpsParentsSeeTheirOwnNeedforSpiritualDiscernment Proverbs3:5-6,13-26 (RobertVincent) Comenotprimarilyasapastor,butafellowparent Notasonewithasenseofachievement,butwithgratitudeforsmallprogressandthankfulthereisstill timeandopportunitytogrow • Ilovebeingadad;ithasbeenthesingle,greatestimpetustomyownspiritualgrowth • Fourintroductorystatementsaboutthehome(bothmarriageandparenting) o Noarenaismoreunderspiritualattack o Noarenaprovidesmoreopportunitiesforkingdomadvance ! Providesthechurchwithherleaders ! Idealforumfordiscipleship o Noarenainwhatyouchoosetodoissoimportant o Noarenainwhatyouchoosenottodoissovital–bydesign,orbydefault ! Whatisabsentfrommyhomeofteninfluencesmyfamilyjustasmuchaswhatispresent ! Ramificationsofwhatyoudoanddon’tdolastalifetime,andoftenperpetuatethemselvesfor generationsbeyond • Four“haunting”realitiescontinuallyoccupymyparentingscreensaver o Hauntedbyaconversation(manwholostallfourofchildren) o Hauntedbymyownyouthfulexperience Youthfulnessis“aglassyagewhenSatanfindsasweptchamber–andagarnishedlodgingfor himselfandhistrain”(SamuelRutherfordquotedinRendellT.Kingsley,SamuelRutherford,37). “Imustfirsttellyou,thatthereisnotsuchaglassy,icy,andslipperypieceofwaybetwixtyouand heaven,asYouth”(LettersofSamuelRutherford,#131,toEarlstontheYounger). “Itisnotpossibleforyoutoknowtillexperienceteachyou,howdangerousatimeyouthis”(Philip Henry). o Basedonrealityofotheryoungpeoplecloselyconnectedwithourfamilywhojettisonedthefaith o Presentproblemisalsosomewhatofahistoricalproblem,eveninournewlyfounded“Christian” country ! HalfwayCovenant(1662)–flawedattempttofixorstemagenerationalspiritualproblem;first generationbroughtupinAmericaonWestminsterConfessionanditsconfessionaloffspring neededtheHalfwayCovenant Thesis1:ParentingisdesignedbyGodasthemeansbywhichwetrainupourchildrentomaturity(whocan developtheskillofjudgingwell) Theaimofparentingisnotconformityformychildren,butcharacter;notprotectionorprofessionalism, butspiritualprogress.Toagreatdegreetheircharacterandprogressismeasuredbytheirabilityto discernwell.“Discern”consistsoftwoparts:disc–offoraway;cernere–separate,sift o Whentheycandiscernforthemselvesbetweengoodandevil(biblicaldescriptionsofmaturityapplyto rearingchildren,too) • Fromspiritualinfants(1Corinthians3:1-2)intomaturity(2Timothy3:17),thoroughlyfurnished • Fromadietofmilktosolidfood(1Corinthians3:2) • • • • Frombeingweakintostrong(Romans14-15) Frombeingchildrentothosewhohavetheirsensesexercisedtodiscernbetweenevilandgood. 12 Forthoughbythistimeyououghttobeteachers,youhaveneedagainforsomeonetoteach youtheelementaryprinciplesoftheoraclesofGod,andyouhavecometoneedmilkandnot solidfood.13Foreveryonewhopartakesonlyofmilkisnotaccustomedtothewordof righteousness,forheisaninfant.14Butsolidfoodisforthemature,whobecauseofpractice havetheirsensestrainedtodiscerngoodandevil(Hebrews5:12-14). o Whentheycancometodiscernbetweenthingsthatdiffer(evenbetweengoodandbetter,orbetter andbest)–Philippians1:9-11 o WhentheycancometodiscernwhatispleasingtoGod(Ephesians5:10) o Whentheycancometoascertainwhatisthegood,acceptable,andperfectwillofGod(Romans12:12) Inordertoteachthesekindsofdiscernmenttomychildren,Imustpossessdiscernmentandgrowinit myself. Thesis2:Forparents,parentingisoneoftheprimaryrelationalprocessesbywhichGodcontinuesourown maturity,andoneoftheprimarymeansbywhichHemakesusmorediscerning.(anotheroftheprimary meansismarriageitself) Forthisreason,Goddidnotprovideuswithanexplicitmanualorsimpleformulaforparenting.Instead, Hepressesusmoredeeplyintogrowthbygivingustheresponsibilitytoexercisediscernmentforothers (notyetabletoexerciseitthemselves),tomodeldiscernmentforthoselearners,andactivelytoteach discernmenttothem.Asparentswecometoseemorethaneverourownneedfordiscernment,andit shouldburdenustoteachittoourchildren. Idon’thavealltheanswers,andbeingaparentremindsmeregularlythatIdonot. “ItappearsthatGodhasdeliberatelyleftusinaquandaryaboutmanythings.WhydidHenot summarizealltherulesinonebook,andallthebasicdoctrinesinanother?Hecouldhaveeliminated theloopholes,preventedalltheschismsovermoralityandfalseteachingthathaveplaguedthechurch fortwothousandyears.Thinkofthesquabblingandperplexitywewouldhavebeenspared.Andthink ofthecropofdwarfsHewouldhavereared!”(ElisabethElliot,TheLibertyofObedience,56-57) Sooftenthisgoescountertowhatwewant.“Justtelluswhattodo!”wecry. Howtheniswisdomanddiscernmentcaughtandtaught?Whatarethewaysinwhichwepackandshapeour children’sdiscernmentfilterstoreflectthatourownisalsobeingshaped? • Bymodeling–allowingmywifeandchildrentoseeGodmakemeintowhatHewantsmetobe (Proverbs23:26). o HowwhatIaminChristisconnectedtowhatIdo • Byinstruction–findingoutwhatGodwantsmychildrentoknow,particularlyaboutHimself,and makingsuretheylearnit o Deuteronomy6:6-7(fearofGod,Hispresence,Hisways) 2 • • Bycommandstaught,emphasized,andenforced(AsScripturallyinformedaspossibletoconnectour authoritywithGod’s)–holdingthemtothewordsandwaysofGod(beyondtheletterofthelaw–to thespiritofit). o Myson,donotforgetmyteaching,butletyourheartkeepmycommandments(Proverbs3:1) o Thenhetaughtmeandsaidtome,“Letyourheartholdfastmywords;Keepmycommandments andlive”(Proverbs4:4). ! SomeareBible–Weneedtoteachtheseinawaythatdemonstratesthatweareourselves underauthority ! Someareeffortstoteachcommonsenseandsafety • “Don’tplaywithdoors.” Bylearningtonavigatebetweenthelinesofcommands ...theprocessofputtingtwocommandstogetherinamomentwhentheyseemtoconflict,orthe processbywhichmultiplecommandsareprioritizedinrelationtoeachother,ortheprocessofcoming toanapplication,orarrivingatanswerstodelicatequestionsoverwhichevencarefulpeopledisagree. o Proverbs [T]herearedetailsofcharactersmallenoughtoescapethemeshofthelawandthebroadsidesof theprophets,andyetdecisiveinpersonaldealings (DerekKidner,Proverbs,13). i.e.,Honoryourfatherandmother(Exodus20:12).‘Cursedishewhodishonorshisfatheror mother.’Andallthepeopleshallsay,‘Amen’(Deuteronomy27:16). Ezekiel22:7Theyhavetreatedfatherandmotherlightlywithinyou.Thealientheyhave oppressedinyourmidst;thefatherlessandthewidowtheyhavewrongedinyou. i.e.,TheLawteachesustoloveourneighbor,butbeaware,hemaybeanangryman,a sluggard,asimpleton,orafoolishmanandourdealingswithhimwouldhavetobecustomized. Proverbscomesalongandhelpsusseehowinseparablyconnectedourparentsaretous,andthe degreetowhichourconductimpactstheirveryemotions. o 1Corinthians–questions(takestimeandpatience) PaulismodelingdiscernmentasheteachestheCorinthianshowtobediscerninglyconsecrated withintheirownculture.Hegivescommands,butmorefrequentlyheisaskingprobing,pointed questions–107ofthemspreadoutin14differentchapters!Paulisaimingtoteachdiscernment guidedbylove(1Corinthians13),andpartofhismethodistoteachtheCorinthianshowtobe goodquestionaskers. “Duringmygraduatestudies,Itookacourseinwhichhalfthegradedependeduponthe answerswegaveonexams,whiletheotherhalfwasbasedonthequestionsweaskedinthe class.Theprofessorwasafirmbelieverinthevalueofaskingtherightquestions.Ifthereisa sliveroflightinthedarknessofthishour,itisinthefactthatweareaskingtherightquestions” (RaviZacharias,LightintheShadowofJihad:TheStruggleforTruth,14-15). “Thisisthegenerationofquestions.Everybodyseemstohavehisownquestion.Questionsare importanttoask,butitismoreimportanttoasktherightones.Asuccessfullawyerwillwinor 3 loseacasesimplybythequestionsheasksordoesnotask.Thereisnoendtoquestions,and wecanbeboggeddowntryingtoanswereachandeverylittleone.Findingourwaythrough themazeofquestionstodayisanall-but-impossibleride”(A.W.Tozer,TheCrucifiedLife,2425). Weneedwisdomtoanswerthequestionscorrectly,butweneedwisdomtoasktheright questions,andtruewisdomonlycomesfromGod(Proverbs2:6)asdoesthegracetoreceiveand applyit. Thehallwayofdiscernmentnotonlyopensintotheroomofobedience,butitshelpfullightseepsinto evenpoorlylitcornersoftheroom,guidingonecarefullytoobedienceinfullestmeasure. Iwantmychildrentofollowinmyways,butevenmoreIwantthemtosupersedemeintheirobedienceto theLord.Iwantthemtobeginearlier,understandbetter,assessmorequickly,discernmorewisely, advancefarther,bemoreclean,havefewerscars,perseverelonger,bemoreready....Iwantthemto standonmyshoulderslikeIwasprivilegedtostandonmyownfather’s(trueevenifone’sparentswere unbelieversorpoorexamples). Iwantmychildren’sobediencetolooklikemine,butI’mcertainthatitwilllookdifferentinsomeways. Butiftheprocessbywhichtheyarriveattheirchoiceslookslikemine(orisbetter!),andthereasonsfor theirchoicesareinkeepingwithmine,thenIthinkIwillbehappy. ************************************************************* Somepersonalexamplesaiminginthisdirection: Inthemid90’swhenIservedasaprincipalofasmallChristianschool,Iwouldagonizeoverhowtoreachthe heartsofthestudents,particularlywhendealingwithdisciplineissues.Iwouldoftenhavethestudentswho misbehaveddoassignments: • Provide2BiblereasonswhyIshouldnothavedonewhatIdid • Give5othercorrectoptionsIcouldhavetakenthantheoneIchose • Recall10thingsIshouldhavethoughtofbeforeIactedthewayIdid,anyoneofwhichhadIappliedit, couldhavepreventedmywrong. Athome,aswewerebeginningoureffortswithourownchildren,Iwasstruckonedaybyacommentour daughtermadewhenIattemptedtocorrectheraboutwhatseemedtometobeanobviouswrong.She respondedveryinnocently,“Dad,younevertaughtmethisbefore.” o WasIgoingtohavetothinkofaruleforeverything? o WasIgoingtohavetoenvisioneverypossiblesituationinwhichshemightfindherselfandprepareher inadvance? ! CouldIdothis? ! DidIevenwantto?(wouldcreatearulebookthatwoulddwarftheBibleinsize) • Ihadgrownupinamilitaryhome.Icoulddorules.YetIalsoknewthatthoughrulescould produceakindofuniformityofresponse,framingrulesandforcingconformitywereno guaranteethatmaturitywouldcome.Growinguponmilitarybasesmostofmylife,I understoodthatrulesandtrainingcouldtransformboystoformidablemen,butIhad 4 witnessedenoughtoknowthatmilitaryprowessandpersonalmaturityweretwoverydifferent things. Here’soursetofhouserulesforwhenthechildrenweresmall.Theyarestillinplace,butasyou’llsee,we’ve hadtoadaptasthechildrenmultipliedandtheymatured: 1.BERESPECTFUL ...bylisteningcarefullytoandinstantlyfollowingallinstructions. Awisemanwillhearandincreaseinlearning(Proverbs1:5). Ifyouwouldliketodosomethingotherthanwhatyouaretold,youmayaskpermissiononlyafteryou begintoobey. ...bylookingatthepersonspeakingtoyou Givemeyourheart,myson,andletyoureyesdelightinmyways(Proverbs23:26). ...byspeaking/answeringinawaythatshowsIappreciatetheotherperson Sheopenshermouthwithwisdom;andtheteachingofkindnessisonhertongue(Proverbs31:26). ...BycaringfortheLord’spropertyinourhome 2.BEHONEST ...bytellingthetruthinwordandaction Atrustworthywitnesswillnotlie(Proverbs14:5a). 3.BEKIND ...byinitiatinggoodtoorforothers Hewhodiligentlyseeksgoodseeksfavor(Proverbs11:27). ...byavoidingbehaviorthatprovokesanger Forthechurningofmilkproducesbutter,andpressingthenosebringsforthblood;sothechurning ofangerproducesstrife(Proverbs30:33). 4.BEHAPPY ...byobeyingwithahappyheart Ajoyfulheartisgoodmedicine(Proverbs17:22). Watchoveryourheartwithalldiligence,forfromitflowthespringsoflife(Proverbs4:23). Thisfinalrulehelpsusconnectwrongbehaviortoawrongspirit.Veryseldomisonedisrespectfulwitha happyspirit.Usuallytheunhappyspiritleadstodisrespectorunkindness,etc.Wrongbehaviorcanalso influenceanother’sspirit.It’salsoahelpfulplankfortheonedoingthediscipline–it’shardtoenforce thisoneifmyspiritisoutofcontrol. Whatisgoinginthespirithascontagiousramifications.Adisciplinesituationisnotresolveduntilthespirit andthecountenancechanges. 5 Eachrulecanbeturnedintoaquestionthatwecouldaskthemortheycouldlearntoaskthemselves: • Areyoubeingwise? • Areyoubeingrespectful? • Areyoubeingkind? • Areyoubeinghonest? • WhatdidGodseeyoudo?TellmewhatGodsaw. Thenextlayerofthefilterconsistsoffourguidingquestions: 1. WhoamI? 2. WhereamI? 3. WhomdoIbelongto? 4. WhomdoIserve? Astheyaged,theyweredoingmorethingsawayfromus–youthactivities,fieldtrips,etc.,andIfeltlikeI neededacustomizabletooltoguidetheminthosevariedarenas.Informedbymyownpainfullessons learnedfrommyyouth,Itriedtoaddtothefilterwehadinplaceathome. 1. BeaGraciousGuest 2. RemembertheGrownups 3. BeaGoad 4. WorkonGuy/Girlfriendships 5. BeGood 6. BeGiving/Generous Addingthe6th“G” Give–lookforwaystoservethosearoundyou(notjustthegrownupsorthepeopleyoulike);realize you’llbetemptedto“get” • Oneofthebestwaystoshowyou’rethankfultoGodbecauseHehasgivensomuchtoyou • Itisoneofthebestwaystoministertoothers • Itconfrontspride Thisisjustoneexampleofaflawed,feebleattemptatbest.Butitrepresentsaprocessoftryingtopassalong andinstillbyrepetitionsomethingGodhasbeenteachingmeaboutexercisingdiscernment. Here’sanexampleofamore“grownup”editionforwhenourchildrenreachedhighschoolandcollege. 6 LoveRulesintheHome (thoughapplicableanywhereandallthetime) Treatothersthesamewayyouwantthemtotreatyou(Luke6:31). Foryouwerecalledtofreedom,brethren;only...throughloveserveoneanother(Galatians5:13). AsImature... 1. ...responsibilityincreases...eventhoughI’mtemptedtobelieveitdecreases. a. Inareasofdesignatedduties “Soyoutoo,whenyoudoallthethingswhicharecommandedyou,say,‘Weareunworthyslaves; wehavedoneonlythatwhichweoughttohavedone’”(Luke17:10). b. Inareasofunspecifiedneed Donotwithholdgoodfromthosetowhomitisdue,whenitisinyourpowertodoit(Proverbs 3:27). 2. ...humble,lovingconsiderationofthenextpersonisvital...eventhoughI’mtemptedtothinkprimarily orexclusivelyaboutmyself. 3 Donothingfromselfishnessoremptyconceit,butwithhumilityofmindregardoneanotheras moreimportantthanyourselves;4donotmerelylookoutforyourownpersonalinterests,butalso fortheinterestsofothers(Philippians2:3-4). 3. ...relationshipsrequireinitiatinginvestment...eventhoughI’mtemptedtotakethemforgranted. Oilandperfumemaketheheartglad,soaman’scounselissweettohisfriend(Proverbs27:9). Afriendlovesatalltimes...(Proverbs17:17). 4. ...myinfluenceincreases...eventhoughI’mtemptedtobeforgetfulofitortominimizeitsscope. a. Withmyyoungersiblings b. Withmypeersiblings c. Withmyparents Ironsharpensiron,soonemansharpensanother(Proverbs27:17). WearebrothersandsistersintheLord,chosenbytheLord,andplacedtogetherbytheLordwiththe opportunitytoserveeachotherinwaysthatreflectthemindofChrist(Philippians2:4-5). ************************************************************* Andfinally,hereisourcurrenteffort.WehavetheunusualgiftfromtheLordtohavealmosta“second family.”Thegapbetweenthetwosetsofchildrenpresentssomefreshchallengesforus,butitalsoprovides somewonderfulopportunitiesforourparentingofboththeolderandyoungersetsofchildren. AstandsforAsk Inhumblesubmission 7 Togoad,sharpen,equip, Andstrengtheneachother. (Proverbs17:17;18:24;27:17) TruthforF:Beingagoodfriendmeansbeinga godlyfriend. GisforGrateful ForallIreceive, Forwhatisomitted, ForWhomIbelieve. (1Thessalonians5:18) TruthforG:AthankfulheartknowsIreceivemore thanIdeserveandnotallthatIdeserve. HisforHumility WhatGodmostlovestosee. WhenGodfindsonehumble, Hegivesgracelavishly. (James4:6-10) TruthforH:BeinghonestaboutGod’sgreatness helpsmebehonestaboutmysmallness. IlovesIntegrity Atruelighttoguide Inpathsjustandsure, Wherestepsdonotslide. (Proverbs2:7;3:21b-23;10:9;11:3,6;13:6;Psalm 37:31) TruthforI:Doingwhatismostuprightisalwaysa safestep. JaimstobeJoyful Withaheartthat’sready, Meetspleasureandtrial, Withaspiritthat’ssteady. (Proverbs15:13;17:22;Philippians4:4;John15:11; Acts2:46) TruthforJ:Amerryhearttrulyismedicineformy spiritandforothers.Ajoyfulheartisconstant becauseitisanchoredinrealitiesthatdonot change. KkindlesKindness Thathealswhatisbroken; OfGod,inprayer, Fromparents,permission. (Philippians4:6-7;Ephesians6:1-2) TruthforA:Duringmyyouth,IamunderDivine andparentalauthority. BsaystoBelieve GodWhomIcan’tsee, HesenttousJesus, Andfirstlovedme. (1John4:10,12,19;2Corinthians5:7) TruthforB:Godaloneopenseyestoseetruththat isinvisible. CcallsforCalm Quietandstill. Formetobecalm, Imustusemywill. (Psalm131:1-2;Isaiah26:3) TruthforC:WhatIknowandgivemyheartto governsmydisposition. DdemandsDiligence Inwhathandsfindtodo; Notfearfulofhardwork, Persisting‘tilthrough. (Ecclesiastes9:10;Colossians3:23;Ephesians6:6) TruthforD:Workinghardtofinishwhatneedsto bedoneisGod’swillforme. ElearnstoEntreat Withoutcomplaining; Askshelpfulquestions Whilealwaysobeying. (1Timothy5:1-2;Leviticus19:32) TruthforE:Appealstoanauthorityshouldbemade witharespectfulspiritwhileobeying,notinplace ofobedience. FmeansgoodFriendships Somecloserthanbrothers 8 Respondswithkinddeeds Andwordsfitlyspoken. (Proverbs16:23-24;25:11;Ephesians4:32) TruthforK:Kindnesstoothersgrowsfromthinking aboutandimitatingGod’skindnesstowardme. LlovestoListen Prays“God,openmyears.” ForwheneverGodspeaks Hisyoungservanthears. (1Samuel3:9-10;Isaiah50:4;Matthew11:15) TruthforL:IneedtolistentoGod’sWordsuntilI hearHisvoice. MmeanstoMeditate Thinkingoverandthrough God’sWordnightandday, Hiswilltopursue. (Joshua1:8-9;Psalm1:1;Colossians1:9) TruthforM:Preparingcarefullytofollow obedientlyisGod’srecipeforsuccess. NmeansagoodName, Arightreputation, Earnedbythefaithful InGod’sestimation. (Proverbs22:1;Ecclesiastes7:1;1Corinthians4:2) TruthforN:Atrustworthyreputationamongmen growsfromfaithfulnessbeforeGod. OstandsforOffering Ofbodyandsoul ToGodwhoisworthy Tohavemyheartwhole. (Romans12:1-2;1Samuel15:22-23) TruthforO:Icangivemywholebodyandsoulasa pleasingofferingtoGod. PstandsforPatient Meanslearningtowait. ThoughI’minahurry Godneverislate. (Psalm27:14) TruthforP:Apatientspiritlearnstowait, rememberingthatGod’sschedulemaydifferfrom myown. QstandsforQuick Quicknesstolisten, Quicktoobey, Quickincontrition. (James1:19;Psalm119:60;1John1:9) TruthforQ:Imustsay“yes”toGodquickly... beforeIbegintofindreasonstogoslowlyornotat all. RmeansRemember Recallsfromthepast God’swordsforthepresent; Infaithholdsthemfast. (Psalm77:11-12) TruthforR:ForgettingGod’swordsisthefirststep todisobeyingthem. Ssays,“BeSensible!” Toconsidereachchoice AsatimefromourGod TogiveeartoHisvoice. (Proverbs14:8;15,18;15:5;Titus2:6) TruthforS:PausetolistenforGod’svoiceinHis Wordbeforeactinginhaste. TisforTeachable Anecessarygrace Asksperceptivequestions, Butremembersmyplace. (Proverbs9:9;Psalm1:1;Philippians2:3) TruthforT:Ateachablespiritvaluesothersasmore importantthanmyself. UlovesUnderstanding Sadlyabsentinfools 9 Butpresentinwisemen WholearninChrist’sschool. (Proverbs1:5;2:2-3,11;3:13;4:5;10:13,21) TruthforU:Understandinggrowsfromknowledge andisatestoftruewisdom. VstandsforValor Avirtuewithcourage; Disciplinedindanger, Weakheartsencourage. (Joshua1:6;Romans15:1) TruthforV:Abraveheartisboldtowarddanger buttendertowardtheweak. WisforWise Humbleanddiscerning. TogrowinGod’swisdom Myyoungheartisyearning. (Proverbs1:5;4:5;10:14) TruthforW:Thewiseeagerlystoreupwisdomin theirheartsforpresentandfutureuse. XlongstoeXcite Togoodworksandlove Pointsotherstolive Withmindsfixedabove. (Hebrews10:24-25;Colossians3:1-2) TruthforX:Thebestuseofmyinfluenceistopoint otherstowhatGodwantsthemtoknowanddo. YcallsustoYield Withfaith-filledreflection; Nottotemptation ButtoGod’sdirection. (Romans6:3,6,9,11,13) TruthforY:WhatGodsaysistrueofHisownis meanttodetermineourservicetoHim. ZisforZealous AheartloyaltoGod; KnowsGodisjealous, BowsbeforeHiminawe. (Exodus20:5;Exodus15:11;Matthew4:10; Romans12:11) TruthforZ:AheartloyaltoGodworshipsand servesonlyHim. 10
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