Winning back our BOYS
The Ultimate Gameplan!
Overview
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#1 Factor that Drives all Behavior
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6 Layers of Emotion
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7 Strategies to Gain the Trust of Young Men
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Hierarchy of Young Men
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7 Strategies to Empower Young Men
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5 Needs that ALL Young Men Seek
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Effective Communication
How do you effectively handle young Men
who display less than desirable behavior?
Focus more on what drives the behavior rather
than the behavior itself!
Belief Systems
• Imprint Period 0-6, seeking meaning
• Created (Idea + quantity of references = Belief)
• Argues with anything that doesn’t support it
• You can never outperform your Belief System
Reticular Activation System (RAS)
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Brings relevant information to your attention
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Serves as a filter between your conscious
and subconscious mind
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Can’t distinguish between real
and made up events
Identifying Negative Beliefs
1. Look at someone’s circumstances
2. Language (Language is a representation of our beliefs)
3. Emotional Response
Attitudes and behaviors on the surface are the results of
what’s been planted internally and positively or negatively
cultivated over a period of time.
Love vs. Fear
Everything we do is either an act
of Love or a cry for Help!
~Marianne Williamson
The Six Layers of Emotions
1)
Anger (Safety for young men)
2)
Pain
3)
Fear
4)
Regret
5)
Desire
6)
Love/Appreciation
The Solution
Help young men identify and understand
their emotional states.
Controlling Emotions
EVENTS
RESULTS
MEANINGS
ACTIONS
THOUGHTS/
EMOTIONS
Group Exercise
Take a moment and visualize an old bat.
What came to your mind?
“The most dangerous factor
related to perception, is that
perception is truth to whomever
is perceiving it!”
Chris Cannon
Hamilton High
Hierarchy
Who’s the Leader?
Group Dynamics
Physical boundaries are the universal reinforcement
they rely on. (Looks, posture, and gestures)
General, Lieutenant and Peon (Need/Fear)
No “Trust”- everything is based on performance
(Comparing = Losing)
Emotions must mirror those in Authority
Classroom
Management Tip
Step 1: Identify the General, Lieutenant and Peon of your group.
Step 2: Put the Generals “in your pocket”!
Engage- Firm hand shake, start conversation…
Empower- Publicly give them opportunities for (+) attention (demonstrations, hand-outs)
Encourage- Encourage with eye contact, gestures and the use of their name at key times.
7Th grader Yorktown Middle School
7 Strategies to gain the respect of young men!
1. Give them opportunities to display there strength.
2. Be sensitive to their emotional needs and understand that
pain is not just a necessary experience in their development.
3. Focus more on why they resort to certain behaviors, rather
than the behavior itself.
4. Put them in position to achieve victories as often as possible.
5. When possible, always discipline in private and praise in public.
6. Provide since and meaning when directing them away from undesirable behavior.
7. Never give half praise and half criticism!
7 Strategies to Empower Young Men
1.
Avoid saying you’re not doing it right, but say that’s not exactly what I was
looking for.
2.
Give an empowering meaning for everything.
3.
Acknowledge their positive qualities in all situations.
4.
Pay attention to your tone, it’s 38% of communication.
5.
Encourage them to ask questions.
6.
Focus on what they want.
7.
As often as possible, under all circumstances TELL and SHOW them that
you are proud of them, even if you don’t approve of their actions.
Effectively Communicate
Information Processing Model (IPM)
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Working Memory
Short-term Memory
Perceptual Registrar
Long-term Memory
“How the Brain Learns”
Dr.David A. Sousa
Information Processing Model (IPM)
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Quickly filters information into or
out of the brain
Stored information that
affects self-concept and
belief systems
(Experience determines importance)
Conscious processing
of information
(Sense and Meaning)
Short-term Memory
Perceptual Registrar
(Venetian blinds)
Working Memory
-Data affecting Survival
-Data affecting Emotions
-Data for new Learning
Long-term Memory
1. In conflict focus on reconciliation instead of resolution.
(Albert Einstein)
2. Correct the mistake, never criticize the person for making it.
3.
Focus more on the potential than the predicament.
4. Ask what happen instead of who did it.
5. In an environment where there is few people around.
6. Ask questions as if your view is someone else’s.
7. Ask the person what do they want?
Five Feelings Youth Desperately Seek
1)
Unconditional Love
2)
Emotional Safety
3)
Sense of Belonging
4)
Importance & Acceptance
5)
Appreciation (3 A’s: attention, affection, acknowledgement)
Positively Influence
The Five Keys of Effective Discipline
1.
Tell them what you want.
2.
Provide sense and meaning.
3.
Make agreements instead of rules.
4.
Provide correction, not just punishment.
5.
Be consistent!
Questions?
Addressing False Perceptions
If we can change the way they see a situation, the reality of
their visions will automatically change the way they act in it.
Hierarchy of Boys
The Universal reinforcement that young men rely on are
Physical boundaries. This is demonstrated through there
Looks, posture, and gestures toward others.
Include info from parent chapter on rejection
Page 25 Would rather be labeled bad or dangerous than
Dumb or stupid. (When they feel intimidated or insecure in
Certain areas they manipulate the environment to display their
Strengths.
Classroom
Management Tip
Step 1: Identify the General, Lieutenant and Peon of your group.
Step 2: Put the Generals “in your pocket”!
Engage- Firm hand shake, start conversation…
Empower- Publicly give them opportunities for (+)
attention (demonstrations, hand-outs)
Encourage- Encourage with eye contact, gestures and the
occasional use of their name at key times.
7Th grader Genoa Middle School
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Every choice is inspired by pain or
pleasure.
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Will you be a torturing tool or an
inspirational instrument?
RAS Example
Addressing False Perceptions
Outward expressions are the result of inner feelings.
To change behavior you must address false perceptions in their belief system
False Perceptions = Placebo Effect of Drugs

Neither is real

More powerful than “drug”

Physical symptoms created

Mind produces results
Don’t Take It Personal
Our response will either diminish their false perceptions
or strengthen the foundation they stand on.
5 Keys of Effective Communication
1. Be Relatable
2. Ask question and listen intently
3. Disagree in an agreeable manner
4. Always show empathy
5. Know how you want them to FEEL!
Communication Impact

Words - 7%

Tone - 38%
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Body Language - 55%
4 Areas of Communication
1.
Facts
2.
Opinions
3.
Feelings (Happy, Sad, Angry, Fear)
4.
Desires
Receiving and Interpreting Information
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Speaking
Listening
Versus
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Literal
Implied
3 Questions You Must Answer!
Who are you?
Why should I listen to you?
What’s going to happen to me if I listen to you?
LIVE
They were live in concert downtown.
They live downtown where the concert will be.
Must be willing to show vulnerability without losing credibility
Passion and Pain Persuades
Story about 75 white alternative kids in Vanlu OH
Have me or someone else with a hooded sweatshirt on
And maybe a radio or something else.
“Boys that are in painful situations,
misinterpret the intentions of others. They see
hostility where there is none, respond to that
perceived threat with hostility and feel there
actions were justified in response to the
incoming threat!
Their Behavior
Give adults different cards with things on them and
Have them say them to one person as a way to
Illustrate references to support belief system.
Transforming
Today’s Youth into
Tomorrow’s
Leaders

If we don’t start addressing boys behaviors
as an epidemic we’re bound to risk
infection ourselves.
Why young men disrespect young ladies?
1. Seeing the different treatment.
2. Manhood deception.
3. Power!
4. Social Norms
Where did we get this from?
What do u think of when we think of a young
person who’s always in the office for being in
trouble?
The young person who’s bullying class mates for
lunch money?
Can’t sit still in class?
Other things that described what people think boys
are, but ask them what gender is this and why (In
our mind)?
We want to be process oriented in
our approach and not outcome
oriented, because a process focuses
on everything that leads to behavior.
An outcome only focuses on the
behavior itself.
-Your subconscious mind does no argue with you. It accepts
Whatever your conscious mind decreese.
-The biggest difference between interest and commitment
Is interest seeks convenience only, commitment is blind to
Excuses and can only see how to produce an outcome.
-A successful person realizes his personal responsibility
For self-motivation. He starts with himself because he
Possess the key to his own ignition switch.
-Listen 100 times, ponder 1,000 times, speak once.
-There is more hunger for love and appreciation in the
world than for food. Mother Teresa (Eph 4:29)
What are you afraid of? Apply the
information to you personally.
-Young people are physically delayed, but there is also
An emotional delay, which needs to be addressed.
-People require three things in order to heal (Heard,
Felt, loved)
-All behavior derives from a state of stress and in between
That stress is a primary emotion which is fear or love.
-Over time a childs behavior may become resistant, while
A parent may become more frustrated.
-The child is effective in keeping parents at a distance, it’s
Their way of controlling.
-Many are held hostage by their state of stress:Child must
Control the enviornment to ensure safety. He can’t handle
Anymore fear. So he must control the enviornment to ensure
Safty and certainty. (These states become normal for them
When others can’t handle it. They use it to manipulate the enviornment.
(Anger to influence
Provide opportunity for young men to prove to themselves
That they have value. (Passing out paper, Larry:Who am I?,
Mentoring elementery age students and get feedback to give
to him from the young students.) (Show who am I as an
Example)
-By proving to them they have something of value, now you
Can hold them accountable because they now understand
They can do better than what their previous behavior
Suggested. If they don’t take responsibility they are deceived
Into thinking that whatever happens to them is not their fault.
When a person understands right from wrong it’s no longer
Deception, but a conscious choice to go against what’s best
For them.
Fear of emotions
Tell me I’ll forget, show me I’ll remember, involve
Me I’ll understand