UnSelfie
By Michele Borba, Ed.D.
Micheleborba.com
by
“This beautifully written, eminently actionable
book will inspire parents and their children to
take on the complex issues of our 21st century
guided by the power of empathy and kindness.
This book offers a roadmap to a much brighter
future." - Dacher Keltner, Director, Greater
Good Science Center
“Read this book. It will change your kids' lives!” –
Jack Canfield, Chicken Soup for the Soul
“Michele Borba has written a game-changing
guide showing why nurturing empathy in our
children isn't optional -- it's essential.” – Philip
Zimbardo, Professor Emeritus of Psychology,
Stanford University
“Empathy helps us develop true friendships and
have a happy life, and Michele Borba’s practical
insights and advice are a huge help for parents
who want to nurture this essential skill in their
children." - Harvey Karp, M.D.,The Happiest
Baby on the Block
“I have never, ever read a book that combines
solid research on a timely and critical subject—
the importance of promoting empathy—with so
many amazing and creative how-to suggestions
that turn this research into action. Unselfie is a
must-read!” - Ellen Galinsky, Mind in the
Making
A Discussion Guide for Raising
Empathetic Kids and Building Caring
Homes, Schools & Communities
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Educator Discussion Guide for UnSelfie
T
HowtoTeachEmpathyandCreateCaringSchools
ByMicheleBorba,Ed.D.micheleborba.com
eenstodayare40percentlessempatheticthanthey
were thirty years ago. Why is a lack of empathy—
which goes hand-in-hand with the self-absorption
epidemic (or what I call the Selfie Syndrome)—so
dangerous? First, it hurts students’ academic performance
andleadstobullyingbehaviors.Also,itcorrelateswithmore
cheatingandlessresilience.Andoncestudentsgrowup,a
lack of empathy hampers their ability to collaborate,
innovate, and problem-solve—all must-have skills for the
globaleconomy.UnSelfie:WhyEmpatheticKidsSucceedin
Our All-About-Me-World, pinpoints the forces causing the
Empathy Crisis and shares a revolutionary, researchedbased,nine-stepplanforreversingit.Thisguideisdesigned
tohelpeducatorsdiscusshowtoapplythesestrategiesto
create more empathetic students and schools to build
brighterfuturesforallkidsfrompovertyorprivilege.
HowtoStartandFacilitateanEducatorGroup
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AskeachgroupmembertoorderacopyofUnSelfie:Why
EmpatheticKidsSucceedinOurAll-AboutMeWorldbyMicheleBorba(Touchstone,2016,ISBN:9781501110030fromyourpreferredretailer.(Itisavailableinhardbound,e-bookoraudioformat).
Determine the specific day, time and place for your group to meet. Assign a discussion leader or
decidetorotatetherole.Theydecidehowoftenyouwillmeet(weekly,bi-weekly,monthly).
Askparticipantstoreadthechapter-to-be-discussedpriortomeeting.Usethequestionsprovidedto
facilitategroupdiscussionorcreateyourown.
Donotethatpagenumbersinthee-bookformatmaydifferfromthisguidedesignedforhardcopy.
QUESTIONS AND TOPICS FOR YOUR GROUP DISCUSSION
INTRODUCTION:TheHiddenAdvantageofEmpathyandWhyItMatters
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WhataboutUnSelfiepeakedyourinterest?Whatdoyouhopetogainfromthesediscussions?
Howwouldyouanswer:“Whatdostudentsreallyneedtobehappyandsuccessful?”(pagexiii).
Doyoubelieveempathyisintegraltoourchildren’sfuturesuccesshappinessandwell-being?
Teenstodayare40percentlessempatheticthanthirtyyearsago.Doesalackofempathytrouble
you?Ifso,why?Haveyouseenachangeinyourstudents’characterandbehaviorthatmightbea
symptomoftheSelfieSyndrome?Areyouconcernedandifso,why?(pagexiv).
5. UnSelfiedescribesseveralfactorsthatarecontributingtotheEmpathyDeficit.Whichcultural
factorsorparentingstylesdoyouthinkareaffectingyourstudents’empathycapacities?
6. Stepintotheshoesofyourstudentsand‘walkthewalls’ofyourschoolandclassrooms:What
invisibleandvisiblemessageswouldyouseeaboutyourcurrentschoolculture?Aretheyonesthat
wouldnurtureanempathyandhelptograduateagenerationof“Unselfies?”
7. Ifyouweretoaskarandomgroupofstudentstodescribeyourschoolandtheirexperience,whatdo
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youthinktheywouldsay?Howoftendoyouthinktermssuchas,“caring,respectful,cooperating,
etc.”wouldcomeupinyourstudents’descriptions?Whataboutyourstafforparents’descriptions?
8. Whatprograms,policiesandprocessesareyouimplementingtohelpproducecaring,committed,
successfulstudents?
9. WhichofthenineessentialhabitsthatgivestudentstheEmpathyAdvantageareyouregularly
instillinginyourstudents?Whichhabitsmightyourschoolbeoverlooking?(pagexix)
10. Howcanweteachempathyhabitssostudentsinternalizethemandnolongerneedreminders?
PART I: DEVELOPINGEMPATHY Chapter 1. Empathetic Children Can Recognize Feelings
1stHabit:Teachingemotionalliteracytohelpstudentsrecognizeand
understandthefeelingsandneedsofothers
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Whatarecommonpitfallstomosteducationalprogramsthatattempttoteachempathy?
Whatstrategiesareyouusingtoenhancestudents’emotionalintelligence?Areyouseeinga
positivechangeinstudents’behavior?Whichstudentsareyoureaching/notreaching?
WhywasMaryGordon’sRootsofEmpathyapproach(page3)successfulinincreasingstudents’
empathy?Howcouldyouapplyherapproachtoyourlessonsorinteractions?
Howcaneducatorsexpandstudents’feelingvocabularies?Howcanyouhelpstudentswho
experiencedtraumaorhavelearningchallengesthatmakeitdifficulttoexpressemotions?
Emotionalliteracyiscitedasakeytounlockingempathyandmotivatingkidstocare.
Whatwayscaneducatorshelptoday’sdigital-drivenstudentsunderstandfeelings?(page8)?
Whatdidyouthinkofthe“Red,Yellow,Green”Circlesthatthemathteacherusedtoboosthis
students’sensitivity?(page20).Whichage-by-agestrategy(page21)wouldyouconsiderusing?
Chapter 2: Empathetic Children Have a “Moral Identity”
2ndHabit:Developinganethicalcodesostudentswilladoptcaringvaluesthatguidetheir
integrityandactivityempathytohelpothers
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Howhaveculturalvalueschangedthatmightaffecttoday’sstudents’characterandincreasedtheir
narcissism?(page28).Doyouseeariseinstudents’feelingsofentitlement?Whatisyourtake?
IfthebasisofMoralIdentityisto“depositprosocialimagesinchildren’sidentitybankssotheycan
definethemselvesascaring,responsiblepeoplewhovalueothers’thoughtsandfeelings”(page27),
whatwayscaneducatorshelpstudentsseethemselvesascaringhumanbeings?
Whyisitthat“two-thirdsofadolescentsranktheirownpersonalhappinessasmoreimportantthan
theirgoodness?”(page27).HowdoesthataffecttheirMoralIdentity?If“wegenerallybehavein
waysconsistentwithourself-image”howwouldmostofyourstudentsviewthemselves?Whatcan
educatorsdotohelpthemrecognizeandvaluecaringassetsaboutthemselves?
Howareyouhelpingstudentslearntofindtheirrespectfulvoice(page42)?Howdoyougauge
students’perceptionsofyourschool?Whathaveyourstudentstoldyouwouldenhancetheoverall
schoolclimateandperceptionsofsafety?Haveyouactedontheirinformation?
Howwepraisestudentshelpsdefinewhotheyareandthetypeofpeopletheybelievethemselves
tobe.Wrongpraisecanbackfireandincreasenarcissism.Howmightyouusethefivesciencebackedstrategies(page33)toenhancestudents’MoralIdentities?
Whatthreewordsdoyouthinkstudentswoulddescribeyourschool?Whatwordsdoyouhope
they’dverbalize?Howcouldyouapplythestepsto“CreatingaCaringFamilyMantra”(page38)to
yourschoolorclassroom?Doesyourmissionstatementreflectcaringvalues?Shoulditbechanged?
Whichempathy-buildinghabitsmightyourstudentsneed(page36)tolearn?Wouldyourstudents
benefitfromlearningthe“Isthatme?”tests(page43);the“KINDRule”(page44)orREFUSE
strategies(page36)tohelpthemsticktotheirbeliefs?Howwillyouhelptheminternalizethem?
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Readersareasked(onpage42):“IfIweretheonlyexamplemychildhadtolearnMoralIdentity,
whatdidshelearntoday?”Howdoyouthinkstudentswouldrespond?Whatwayscouldeducators
tuneuptheirdailybehaviortoexemplifycaringandsocialresponsibility?
Chapter 3. Empathetic Children Understand the Needs of Others
3rdHabit:Instillingperspectivetakingsostudentscanstepintoothers’shoestounderstand
another’sfeelings,thoughtsandviews
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WereyouintriguedbyJaneElliott’sapproach(page47)toinstillingPerspectiveTakinginher
students?Whywouldherstudentsfindthelessonstillmemorabledecadeslater?Doyouagreewith
thestatement(page49)'children’sempathyissparkedbyactiveface-to-faceexperiences-notfrom
worksheetsorlectures'?Canyourecallateacher’slessonfromyourchildhoodthatignitedyour
empathyorhelpedyouunderstandanother’sperspective?Ifso,whywasitmemorable?
Whichteachingpracticesoractivitiesdoesyourschooloryouofferthatenhanceyourstudents’
perspective-takingabilities?Whatstrategiesmightyouconsideradopting?
Page70states:“It’seasierforchildrentoempathizewithpeopletheyknow,oraresimilarto,so
widenyourchild’sperspectivebyexposinghimtopeopleofdifferentbackgrounds.”Howmight
educatorswidenchildren’sSocialHubssotheyaremorelikelytoempathizewithpeoplewhoare
“different”or“notlikethem?”Whatstrategiesareyoualreadyusingtotobroadentheirhorizons?
Sciencefindsthatdisciplinecanstretchorshrinkchildren’sPerspectiveTakingabilities(pages5060).Whereonthe‘stretchorshrink’spectrumwouldyousayyourschool’sdisciplinepracticesfall?
ManyeducatorsareembracingRestorativeJustice.Isthisapracticeyourstaffmightconsider?
Whichage-by-agestrategywouldyouconsiderusingoradapting(pages65-70)toexpandyour
students’PerspectiveTakingabilities?Whatotherstrategiesmightyouconsider?
Chapter 4. Empathetic Children Have A “Moral Imagination”
4thHabit:Instillingamoralimaginationsostudentscanuseliterature,filmsandemotionallychargedimagedasasourceofinspirationtofeelwithothers
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Doyouagree:“Bookscanbeportalstounderstandingotherworldsandotherviewstohelpingour
childrenbemoreopentodifferencesandcultivatenewperspectives.”Wereyousurprisedatthe
researchfindings(page78)atYorkUniversity,theUniversityofToronto,WashingtonUniversityand
MichiganStateUniversity(page80)?Whichspecificbookstriggeryourchildren’smoralimaginations
andpulltheirheartsandcreateclassroommemories?Isyourschoollibrarystockedwitharangeof
emotionally-chargedanddiverseliteratureforstudents?Areteachersawareofthoseselections?
OnewaytohelpboostMoralImaginationsisposingquestionstohelpstudentsvicariouslystepinto
someoneelse’splace.Whatotherquestionsorstrategiesbeyondthoseonpage80caneducators
usetohelpstudentsseetheworldfromanotherperspective?
Aroundtheageofeightiswhenourchildrengenerallystopreadingforenjoyment,andisalsowhen
wetypicallystopreadingaloudtothem.Whatareadditionalwayswecancreatepassionatelifelong
readers?(page87)Howcaneducatorsconveythefiveideas(page86-87)thatparentscoulduseto
instillintheirchildrenagreaterenjoymentforreading?Haveyouconsideredintroducingthe
“Parent-ChildBookClub”concepttoyourparents?
Whichage-by-agestrategyintriguedyou(page88-91)?Whatotherapproachescouldbuild
children’smoralimaginations?
Whatskillsandhabitsdoyourstudents-andstaff-needtodevelopempathyWhatisyourfirststepto
gettingstarted?Howwillyouteachthemsoyourstudents“Develop,PracticeandLiveEmpathy?”
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PART TWO: PRACTICING EMPATHY
Chapter 5. Empathetic Children Can Keep Their Cool
5thHabit:Masteringself-regulationtohelpstudentslearntomanage
strongemotionsandreducepersonaldistresssotheycanhelpothers
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Researchsaysthatself-controlisabetterpredictorofadultwealth,health
andhappinessthangradesorIQ?Doyouagree.Ifsowhydoyouthinkthatistrue?
Areyounoticingachangeinstudents’abilitytoregulatetheirself-control?Ifso,whatdoyou
attributetheincrease?Whatportionofyourstudentsusemedicationtomanagetheiremotions?
Whatisyourschooldoingtoteachstudentshabitsofself-regulation?Howareyouconveyingthat
informationtoparentssotheycanreinforceyourefforts?Whichprograms/approaches/skillsthat
supportchildren’sself-regulationmightyoubeoverlooking(forinstance:stress-management,yoga,
meditation,mindfulness?)
Thousandsofeducatorsareaddingmindfulnesspracticestotheirclassroutines(pages106-108).
Wouldyouconsideradoptingtheapproach?Whatwouldyouneedtodecideorstart?
Whichage-by-agestrategy(pages106-116)wouldyouconsiderusingwithyourstudents?What
otherself-regulationstrategieshaveyourtried?Howwouldyouknowiftheyworked?
Chapter 6. Empathetic Children Practice Kindness
6thHabit:Developingandexercisingcompassiontoincreasestudents’concernaboutthe
welfareandfeelingsofothers
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WhatdidyouattributethesuccessofMilfordHigh’sStudentsforaMillionActsofKindness(pages
119-122)?Howmightyouadaptthestrategybutonasmallerscaleatyourschool?How?
WhereyousurprisedbythefindingsofHarvard’sMakingCaringCommonsurvey(page124)asto
whichvaluesweremostimportanttoAmericanmiddleandhighschoolstudents?Howarethose
findingsaffectingthecultureatyourschoolandyourstudents’behavior?
Whataresimplewaysforyourstudentstopracticekindnessanddevelop“caringmindsets”?Were
yousurprisedbySonjaLyubomirsky’sfindingsonherrandomactsofkindnessstudieswith
students?(page127)
ManyeducatorsuseHaveYouFilledYourBucketToday?byCarolMcCloudtohelpconveythe
importanceofkindness.Whatotherbooksandfilmswouldyousuggest?
Whichage-by-agestrategieswouldyouconsiderusingtohelpyourstudentspracticeanddevelop
kindness(pages129-139)?DoesyourschoolorcommunityhaveKidKindClubs?(page139)
Chapter 7. Empathetic Kids Think “Us” Not “Them”
7thHabit:Cultivatingcollaborationtoactiveempathyandhelpstudentsworkwithothersto
achievesharedgoalsforthebenefitofall
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Hasthedeclineofschoolrecessandunstructuredplayaffectedyourstudents’behavior?Ifso,how?
HowdidfeelaboutthePlayworksapproachatAldamaSchool(page141)?
Whatpracticesareyouimplementingtosupportsocial-emotionallearning,empathydevelopment
andstrengthenyourstudents’collaborativeskills(forinstance,cooperativelearning,classmeetings,
schoolmeetings,conflictresolution,HistoryDay,Jigsaw,peermentoring)?Isthereacollaborative
practicethatyoumightbeoverlookingthatmightimprovestudents’achievementandempathy?
WasMixItUpatLunchDaybyTeachingTolerance(page162)tohelpbreakup“cliques”andexpand
students’socialhubsapracticethatmightbenefityourstudents?Hint:onewaymanyschoolstrain
teachersinanewpracticelikeJigsawistouseitinfacultyroommeetingsuntilthestafffeels
competenttoapplyitwiththeirstudents.Mightthatbeaconsideration?
Howhascompetitionaffectedyourstudents’characterdevelopmentandempathy?(page148)
DiscussMuzaferSherif’sfamousRobbersCaveExperimentfindingsespecially:“Akeytoactivating
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empathyiscreatingtherightsocialdynamicssokidsaredrawnintothesamecircleofconcern,
shareanemotionalexperience,andthenlearntocareforeachother(page150).Howdotheyaffect
yourstudents?Doyoureducationalpracticesalignwiththosefindingsordotheyneedadjusting?
Whichstrategieswouldyouconsideradoptingoralreadyusingtobuildyourstudents’collaborative
abilities?Whichskillsmightyourstudentsneedtoincreasetheircollaborativeabilities(forinstance:
Takea“STAND”toSolveProblemsCollaboratively9page155)’ClassorSchoolMeetingRules(page
154);“RealityCheck”toStopStereotypes(page158);DisagreeingRespectfully(page163);
ConversationStarters(page161);DecisionMakersandDealBreakers(page163).
PART THREE - LIVING EMPATHY
Chapter 8. Empathetic Kids Stick Their Necks Out
8thHabit:Promotingmoralcouragetoemboldenkidstospeakout,stepin
andhelpothers
• Studiesshowthat“whenbystandersstepinonbehalfofbulliedpeers,bullying
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stopsmorethan57percentofthetimeandwithin10seconds”(page172).Didthestatisticsurprise
you?WhichofthereasonsstudentsarebystandersratherthanUpstanders(pages172-175)apply
mosttoyourstudents?Whatcaneducatorsdotohelpstudentsbemorelikelytostepintohelp
another?
ErvinStaubfoundthatyoungerstudentsaremorelikelytorespondtoanother’sdistresswhen
paired,whileteensaremoreapttokeeptheirfearstothemselvesandlesslikelytointervene(page
178).Whatcouldeducatorsorparentsdotohelpolderchildrenaidandcomfortmore?
Mobilizingchildren’scouragetobeUpstandersmaybeourbesthopetostoppeercruelty.Seven
UpstanderstrategiesfeaturedonDatelinearepresented(page181-182).Howcouldyouteachthese
strategiestoyourstudents?Forinstance,someschoolsshoweachstrategyinstudent-run
assemblies;otherschoolshavestudentsteacheachotherthestrategiesinpairs.Otherideas?
KidsneedauthenticheroestoinspiretheirMoralCourage.Whichheroesthatmightappealtoyour
studentscouldyouintroduce?Howwouldyoumaketheiractionsmeaningfultoyourstudents?
WhichMoralCouragestretchingstrategieswouldyouconsiderusing(page183to189)withyour
students?Howmightyouimplementthestrategiesschool-widetomaximizeeffectiveness?
Chapter 9. Empathetic Kids Want to Make a Difference
9thHabit:Cultivatingaltruisticleadershipabilitiestomotivatestudentstomakeadifference
forothers,nomatterhowsmallitmaybe,andbecomeChangemakers
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What are your thoughts about this statement: “Every child has the potential to become a
Changemakerifweprovidetherightexperiencesandprovenstrategies?”Howdowereachstudents
whohavenothadtherightexperiencesandstrategies?
Doyouagreethatfame-driven“heroes,”amaterialisticworld,andanover-helpingparentingstyle
canlimitachild’sempathicgiftsandaltruisticpotential?(pages195-198).Whatotherfactorscan
shortchangeachild’saltruisticurges?
Howareyouengagingyourstudentsin“makingadifference”orfindingawaytodoserviceandgive
back?WhatotherwayscouldyouhelpyourstudentsseethemselvesasChangemakers?What
resourcesorexperiencesareinyourlocalcommunitythatyourschoolmaybenotutilizing?
Doyoubelievethatempathyissomethingkidsarebornwithoratraitthatcanbedeveloped?How
couldthatanswerhaveasurprisingimpactonwhetherchildrenbecomeChangemakers?(page201).
Whatarewaysthateducatorscanhelptheirstudentsdevelopempatheticmind-sets?
Whichstrategiesandskillswouldyouconsiderusingtoincreasethelikelihoodthatyourstudents
willseethemselvesasChangemakersordevelopaltruisticleadershipskills?(pages201-207).
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Ways to Give Children the Empathy Advantage
7CreativeUnSelfieIdeastoElevateKid’sEmpathy
UnSelfie:WhyEmpatheticKidsSucceedinOurAll-About-MeWorld
byMicheleBorba,Ed.D.micheleborba.com
Therearecountlesswaystocultivateempathy,butthemosteffectivearealways
real,meaningful,andmatchkids’needs.Herearesomeofthemostcreativeways
fromUnSelfie:WhyEmpatheticKidsSucceedinOurAll-About-MeWorld.Didany
inspireyoutoimplementoradapt?Whatareotherideasyoucouldimplementto
givekidstheEmpathyAdvantage?
1. Be Friendly.Asimpleoverlookedwaytoincreaseempathyisbymakingthe
culturefriendlier.Momsstartedakindnessclub.Amiddleschoolhasastudent
clubcalledFriendlyGreeters.Myteachergreeteduswithan“HandH”-ahug
orahandshake(pg216).Howcouldyouincreasethe“friendlyeffect”inyourschoolorcommunity?
2. Break Down Barriers.Wearemorelikelytoempathizewithpeopleinourimmediatecirclesorcare
aboutthose“likeus.”Howcanyouexpandyourstudents’familiaritycirclestothose“notlikethem”
toopenthepathtoempathyandbreakdownbarriers?Amongstthemostcreativeideas:Skateistan
inAfghanistanwhereyouthuseskateboardingasahooktopairgirlsandboys,SeedsofPeacepairing
kidsfromwar-tornareastocoexist.(pg.217).Whatwayscanyourschool-breakdownbarriers?
3. Give Kids a Voice.Empathyisdrivenbyface-to-faceconnectionandit’swhywemustkeeptheart
ofconversationalive.EmpathywaneswithoutMoralCourageandMoralIdentity.TheSeraMonastery
inTibetholdsdailydebatestohelpyoungmonkspractice“voice”andhearothers’ideasandfeelings.
SeedsofPeaceholdsdailydialoguesessionstohelpteensgraspeachother’sperspectives.KIPPPublic
CharterSchoolsteaches“SLANT”(Situp,Listen,Askquestions,NodandTrackthespeaker)tohelp
kidslearncommunication.Class,SchoolorFamilyMeetingsareotherideas.(pg219)Howcanyou
helpyourstudentspracticeface-to-facecommunicationtounderstandothers’viewsandfeelings?
4. Play Chess and Unplugged Games. The cognitive part of empathy is the ability to understand
another’sthoughtsandfeelings-tostepintotheirshoes.Armeniamakeschesscompulsoryforevery
studentoversixyearsofageasameansofboostingchildren’scharacter,leadershipandperspective
taking.(pg219).Theatre,cardgames,role-playing,dressupareotherways.Whatareyourthoughts?
5. Create Parent Support Networks.Aparentisachild’smostimportantempathyinfluencer.Howdo
youhelpparentsrecognizetheimportanceofempathyandsupporteachotherinthoseefforts?What
arewaysschoolscanencourageparentstoexploreandexpandtheirempathyinfluence?Ideas:
• Ashoka encourages parents to form “Parenting Changemakers” communities to discuss and
develop ways to help their children master empathy habits (pg 220). Several topics to initiate
parentgroupdiscussionsareprovidedonpg220.Whatothertopicscouldyouaddtothelist?
• SchoolsencourageparentstoformMonthlyBookClubswhereparentsreadBornforLove,Roots
ofEmpathyorUnSelfieandapplythatinformationtoparentingstylesis(pg221).
• Empathy playdates are events where parents meet weekly with their young children at each
other’shomestofocusondifferentempathyhabits(pg221).
6. Build Caring Relationships. Empathy opens when children are in environments where they feel
safe,acceptedandheard.Warmrelationshipsaretheincubatorofempathy.Socialtiesarestrongest
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(called“TheVillageEffect”)incommunitieswherethereisanaverageof150people.Whatwayscan
youbuildcaringcommunitiesforchildreninyourschool.Forinstance:providecommunity-building
activitieslikeclassmeetingsorteambuilding,useicebreakerstohelpkidsgettoknoweachother,try
Mix-It-Up lunches, Rachel’s Challenges, cooperative learning or jigsaw to work with different
classmates.Aretherewaysthatlocalyouthgroups,clubsororganizationsmightsupportyourefforts?
7. Don’t Give Up On a Child.Theseedsofempathyareplantedinrelationships,butsometimesthose
interactionscanbestrainedorshutdown.Themotherwhorefusedtogiveuponhersonandleft
caringnotesonhispillowwasoneideatokeepempathyopen(pg225).Whatarewayseducators,
parents, coaches or any caring adult can convey “I’m here. I care. I’m not giving up” to kids going
throughtoughtimes?
Discussing Ways to Build UnSelfie Cultures
Whatwouldtheideallearningculturelooklike?Howwouldempathyfitin?
Howwouldyouandyourstaffdefinea“compassionate,empathetic,Unselfie
learningculture?”
• Whatwouldanempathic,caringschoolcommunitylookandsoundlike?What
wouldthemissionstatementsay?
• Howdostaff,students,andvisitorsfeelnow?Ifavisitorwalkedaroundtheschool,
whatwouldtheyseeorhear?Howwouldtheyfeel?
• Howwouldsuchaschoolcultureimpactourstudents,parents,staffandcommunityatlarge?
• Howwouldsuchaculturebesimilarordifferentfromyourexistingschool?Whatpractices,policies,
andprocedureswouldremain?Whichwouldneedchangingoreliminating?Whichwouldbethe
easiestandmostdifficultchangestocreateamoreempatheticculture?
• Whatbehaviorswouldthestudents(andstaff)displayinanempathiclearningculture?Howwould
membersofthecommunitybetreated?Whatwouldyouseeandhearasyouwalkedyourwalls?
• Whatnewempathyhabits,skillsorbehaviorswouldneedtobetaughttoyourstudents?
• Whichtypeofdisciplinepracticeswouldbeinplacetonurtureempathy?Teachingpractices?
• Whichcommunityresourcescouldsupportyourefforts?
• Whatknowledgeorskillswouldthestaffneedtosucceedandcreatesuchalearningcommunity?
• Whatistheoneempathy-buildingideayouwouldliketolearnaboutorusewithyourstudents?
• Whatwouldyourfirststeptoteachingempathyandbuildingamorecreating,empathetic,UnSelfielikeculture?Whatisyourhope?
• Whatdoyouneed?Whenwillyoubegin?Whowillhelp?Whatdoesyourendgoallookandfeel?
• HowwouldyouknowyouhavesucceededincreatinganUnselfieSchoolbasedonempathy?
MICHELE BORBA, Ed.D., is an internationally renowned educational psychologist and an expert in
parenting,bullying,andcharacterdevelopment.Sheisanaward-winningauthorof22booksincluding
Unselfie:WhyEmpatheticKidsSucceedinOurAll-About-MeWorldtranslatedinto14languages.Oneof
theforemostauthoritiesonchildhooddevelopmentinthecountry,sheisaregularNBCcontributorwho
appearsregularlyonTodayandhasbeenfeaturedasanexpertonDateline,TheView,Dr.Phil,NBCNightly
News,Fox&Friends,Dr.Oz,andTheEarlyShow,amongmanyothers.ShelivesinPalmSprings,California,
withherhusband,andsheisthemotherofthreegrownsons.
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[email protected]
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9 Habits That Build Empathy
UnSelfieTipsforParentsandEducators
byDr.MicheleBorbamicheleborba.com
Unselfie:WhyEmpatheticKidsSucceedinOurAll-AboutMeWorldbyMicheleBorba
Touchstone2016.
9 EMPATHY HABITS
E
mpathyisseeingtheeyesofanother,listeningwiththeearsofanother
andfeelingwiththeheartofanother.”Empathygivesyouthanadvantage
for health and wealth, relationships, longer life, the job market, critical
thinking, and real happiness. It also fuels passion, promote kindness,
ignitesmoralcourage,andisanantidoteforbullying,racism.Aboveall,itisthe
rootsforajust,peaceful,compassionatefamily,school,communityandsociety
andmakeskidsbetterpeople.Thegoodnewsisthatadultscancultivatestudents’
empathyandtherearemanywaystodoso.Bestideasarealwaysmeaningfulin
whichchildrenwitnessorexperienceempathy.HereareideasfromUnSelfie:Why
EmpatheticKidsSucceedinOurAll-About-MeWorld.Markonesthatmightinspire
yourchildren’shearts.
Empathy Habit 1. Emotional Literacy
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RootsofEmpathybyMaryGordonpg3-6
EmotionCoachingpg14-16
TeachAssertiveBodyLanguagepg17
HowDoYouFeelCards?pg23
SLAT:SitSquare,Lean,Acknowledge,Tuneinpg61
Red,Yellow,GreenLightSensitivitypg20
FeelingVocabularies:Facts&FeelingsLogpg21
Empathy Habit 2. Moral Identity
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Sullenberger:HighestDutypg25-26
Praisetobuildempatheticmindsets:pg34-36
REFUSESkillforPeerPressurepg.36-37
IdentifyCoreBelief:Lincoln’sVirtues;pg37-38
CreateClassMantraspg38-40
ConscienceTestspg43
KINDRule:Kind,inspire,necessary,definitepg44
Empathy Habit 3. Perspective Taking
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JaneElliott“AClassDivided”Experimentpg47-50
RolePlaytheOtherSidepg50
UseImpactStatementspg57
PaperShoeTestforRomeoandJuliet
ClassorFamilyDebatespg42,218
CAREDisciplinepg58
Theatre,Propspg65,69
Ask,“Iwonder”pg66
Feels+NeedsFormulapg67
Imagineeringpg65
StepIntoTheirShoespg68,69
WidenSocialHubpg70
ChesstoPredictOpponent’sMovepg219
RolePlaying&ReverseSidespg66
1.EmotionalLiteracy
2.MoralIdentity
3.PerspectiveTaking
4.MoralImagination
5.Self-Regulation
6.PracticingKindness
7.Collaboration
8.MoralCourage
9.AltruisticLeadership
£ ThinkSheetsforDisciplinepg66
£ StepIntotheChild’sShoes(Duke)pg71
£ HistoryDaywithImmersion
Empathy Habit 4. Moral Imagination
£
£
£
£
Emotionally-ChargedLiteraryFictionpg73-783
PaperShoeTest:Romeo&Julietpg82-83
“Whatif?”Howwouldyoufeel?”pg84
BooksClubspg91
Empathy Habit 5. Self-Regulation
£
£
£
£
£
£
£
£
RestorativeJusticepg95-98
CalmDownCornersforSelfManagementpg99
TheCoddlingoftheAmericanMind:Atlantic
ABCStressMgmt:Aware,Breathe,Calmpg211
“JustBreathe”-Mindfulnesspg102-107
QuietTimeatOaklandSchoolspg106-107
TeachSelfRegulationpg108-115
ShareGoodNewsReportsforCompassionFatigue
Empathy Habit 6. Practicing Kindness
£
£
£
£
£
£
£
MilfordHigh:SMAKpg119-121
BigBuddy-LittleBuddiespg125
FriendshipAmbassadorspg215-216
TwoKindRulepg132
KindnessChallenges&Ritualspg134-136
KindnessJars,Boxes&Wallspg136-137
BucketFilling&TrackingKindnesspg138
Empathy Habit 7. Collaboration
£ Playworks:ThinkUsNotThempg141-145
£ JigsawClassroom:EliotAaronsonpg151-152
£ Family,ClassorSchoolMeetingspg152-155
9
£ TakeaSTAND:Stop,TellProblem,Alternatives,
Narrow,Decidepg155
£ BroadenHorizons&SocialHugpg157
£ MixItUpLunchespg162
£ ChallengeDays;Rachel’sChallengepg224
£ CooperativeGames&Activitiespg163
£ TeachDecisionMakers&DealBreakerspg163
£ HowtoDisagreeRespectfullypg163
Empathy Habit 8. Moral Courage
Dateline:PerilsofParentingpg169
CAP:BullyingDefinitionpg173
HelpingKidsFindTheirInnerHeropg179
How to STANDUP for Others: Seek Support; Tell;
Assist;NegatewithPositiveView;DesignDetour;
UseDistraction;Pause&Rethinkpg181-182
£ NavySEALsStrategiestoBoostCouragepg183
£ PinkShirtDaypg185
£
£
£
£
£ UseYourHeart:Help;Empathize;Assist;
Reassure;TellyourFeelingspg187
£ Dispelthe“SupermanMyth”pg187
£ S.O.S.Smarts:Safety,AssessOptions,Sense
Detectorpg188
Empathy Habit 9. Altruistic Leadership
£ StartwithOne:TrevorFerrellpg191
£ StoriesofKidHeroestoShare:MarleyDias,Kevin
Curwick,YashGupta,RachelWheeler,DylanSiegel,
BuddyBench,CraigKielburgerpg193-195,206
£ CultivateaChangemakingMindsetpg201
£ FACE to Show You Care: Feelings; Analyze; Care;
Emphasizepg203-204
£ HelpingKidsBecomeChangemakerspg205-206
£ UseGoodNewsReportspg208,210
£ StartwithOne:“Rokia”;PaulSlovicpg208
£ StretchBoundaries,pg211
QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION AND DISCUSSION
1. Whatskillswillourchildrenneedtosucceedintheglobal
economywhenjobsoftomorrowdon’texisttoday?
2. Which of the nine habits of empathy are you already
nurturing?Whichhabitsmightyoubeoverlooking?
3. What should parents and educators be doing to prepare
kidsforaworldofrapidchange?Areourkidsready?
4. Howdoyouandotheradultshelpchildrendevelophealthy
relationships with peers, especially when face-to-face
contactisbreakingdownandtheInternetismeaner?
5. What ways can we broaden our children’s views about
thoseofdifferentbackgroundsandcelebratediversity?
6. How do we cultivate empathy in a culture whose only
metricsofsuccessareachievementandperformance?
7. Howdowehelpchildrenunderstandracismandinjustice
happeninginourworld?
8. Whattypesofmeaningfulserviceprojectscanweofferourkids?Howcanweensurethat
thoseprojectsaremeaningfulandimpactchildren’sempathyanddevelopcaringmindsets?
9. Whattypeofdisciplinedowemostcommonlyuse?Doessciencesayitimpactsempathy?
10. Howcanwebetterexemplifycaringandsocialresponsibility?Whatqualitieswouldkidssay
wedepict?Howwouldourkidsranktheimportanceofcaring?Areourmessageshindering
orhelpingchildrendevelopstrongMoralIdentities?
11. Howdowecreateempathyinthoseteachableadult-childmoments?
12. HowoftendoItypicallydiscuss,acknowledge,oremphasizecaringvalueswithmychildren?
13. HowcanIhelpmychildrenseethemselvesascaringandwanttomakeadifference?
14. Whatistheoneskill,habitorstrategyI’dliketotrywithmychildrenorstudents?
15. Whatcanourcommunitydotoproducemoreempatheticchildren?Howcanwecoordinate
ourresourcestocreateEmpathyTribesorcreateastronger“EmpathyVillage”forourkids?
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