Chapter 4
Asstronomy
I never met a likeable astronomer. Probably because
looking up at stars is not the type of thing rednecks do for fun.
Astronomy and/or astrology are both very strange pastimes. So are
the people who study these sciences. Actually, I never figured out
what the difference between astronomy and astrology is. Both are
hobbies for people with far too much free time on their hands and
questionable imaginations.
When I was in the fourth grade, my teacher tried to shove
astronomy down the throats of us kids as if it was interesting stuff.
Our fourth grade class even went so far as to make a field trip to
an official planetarium. It turned out to be the very first “Star
Search” when I sneezed on the lens of a huge electron telescope.
Within two weeks, I read in various newspapers where a geek
scientist discovered another constellation. He even named it after
himself. I thought I deserved some credit.
Outer space and stars are definitely a reality. I can accept
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that fact. But looking at constellations and stars is not only a huge
waste of time, but demonstrates major degrees of boredom.
Historically, it is nothing more than the sum total of the figments
of imagination of thousands of bored shepherds. You see,
constellations were supposedly discovered by bored shepherds
who sat up all night tending flocks of sheep. Shepherds are all
geeks. The occupation of shepherd has always been a somewhat
shaky profession. After all, the job calls for someone to stay
awake all night watching sheep sleep. As a matter of fact, pure
boredom eventually became the main reason people count sheep
whenever they have a hard time falling asleep. Today we have
drugs for that sort of thing.
Most shepherds carried long staffs with curves on the end,
the function of which no one knows. I’d pay a lot of money to
watch a shepherd fight off a pack of wolves with one of those
crooked sticks. Personally, I’d go the pump shotgun with 00
buckshot route. I wonder if shepherds were issued their staffs upon
graduation from shepherd college? You know, a diploma of sorts.
I asked my fourth grade teacher about that but she never answered
me.
Shepherds got credit for discovering, or better stated,
“inventing” constellations. Have you ever in your life seen a
constellation that looked even remotely similar to what they are
supposed to look like? I can see the Big Dipper….even the Little
Dipper. But when it comes to the rest of them, I have to be honest,
I’ve never been able to piece together a single one. Hey… we’re
talking an advanced game of connect-the-dots with no pencil.
Planets are even misnamed. Pluto doesn’t look like a dog.
Mercury doesn’t look like a car. Venus doesn’t look like a woman.
I also asked my teacher about Uranus, but again, she never
answered me.
The sun is a star, right? If the sun is a star, what’s the
moon? What’s the difference between a star, a moon, and a
planet? The sun is nothing but a big ball of fire according to my
fourth grade teacher. What fuels that fire? What’s burning up
there? What’s going to happen when the fuel runs out? Are we
all going to have to go nocturnal? The amount of daylight will
definitely change. How is that going to affect female suntan lines?
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I did quite a bit of research concerning most of the major
constellations. Come to find out, most well known constellations
were discovered by a shepherd by the name of Bernie Schwartz.
He happens to be the same guy who invented fleece. Ol’ Bernie
must have been a pretty lonely dude. He had a vivid imagination
or maybe he turned senile before he retired. In any event, it was
Bernie Schwartz who invented Taurus the Bull, Leo the Lion,
Scorpio the Scorpion, Cancer the Crab, and both Ursa Major and
Ursa Minor. According to Schwartz, Ursa means bear, so “Major”
was Momma Bear and “Minor” meant Baby Bear. There’s got to
be a Poppa Bear floating around out there in space somewhere but
Schwartz apparently kicked the bucket before he could find him.
Rumor has it his name was Fred.
My fourth grade teacher wasted over half an hour
of my life trying to show me Virgo the Virgin. I told her she had
pretty good eyes if she could see Virgo was a virgin from where
we were standing. I asked her twice how she could be so sure but
she never answered me. I think I saw Virgo wink and smile right
after that.
_____________________________________________________
“I told my teacher she had pretty good eyes
If she could see that Virgo was a virgin from
where we were standing.”
_____________________________________________________
Certain women pattern their entire lives after the stars.
Have you ever noticed it’s almost always females who follow the
signs of stars? When was the last time a redneck asked you what
your sign was? Some people even mix and match astrological
combinations. You know, a Scorpio and a Libra will get along
pretty well, but never mix a Pisces with an Oreo. Whenever
anyone asks me what my sign is, I tell them I’m a Feces. They
usually walk away, especially the women. If a Feces married an
Oreo, would their kids have poor taste?
Orion was supposedly a hunter, although I couldn’t quite
tell whether he was carrying a gun or a bow. Orion never made it
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into the Zodiac, which my sources tell me is a biker bar in
Oklahoma. According to my research, Orion was one of Bernie
Schwartz’s favorite constellations until the night ol’ Bernie caught
Orion stalking a herd of sheep with his bow and arrow. Bernie
Schwartz really loved sheep. Matter of fact, he is also credited
with inventing hip boots.
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