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HARLEQUIN. Now, onward through time!
The Greek civilization – the climax and the end of the Trojan War – a hymn to the
values of family life, marital fidelity, and singular devotion – (proclaims) “Odysseus
Returns to Penelope!”
(The light goes out on HARLEQUIN and a small pool of light rises, center on the platform stage.
In a rocking chair busily knitting sits COLUMBINE. From behind the curtain there is a loud
clatter and crash of metal, and the CAPITANO enters, waving his absurdly long sword.)
CAPITANO. Penelope! (Comes up behind her and kisses her on the neck) I have returned!
COLOMBINE. (still knitting without looking up) You’ll find the dirty linen in the hall.
And not so much starch in the petticoats.
CAPITANO. (surprised) Starch in the …..?(moves in front of her) Penelope! It’s me!
Odysseus!
COLOMBINE. (looking up briefly) Oh? Where’s the regular driver?
CAPITANO. (sputtering) Regular…? Penelope, it’s Odysseus! It’s your husband –
home from the wars!
(He steps back, arms outstretched. COLOMBINE stops her knitting, looks very closely at
CAPITANO, rises very slowly, her hands shaking with emotion. She steps toward him and then
lands a haymaker on his jaw that sends him reeling backwards.)
COLOMBINE. And where the hell have you been?
CAPITANO. (thunderstruck) Where have I been? What kind of a welcome is that?
I’ve been to war, damn it!
COLOMBINE. That was ten years ago! How did you travel – on Amtrak?
CAPITANO. Ah, well – now – that’s a long story.
COLOMBINE. (back to her rocking chair and knitting) I’ll bet.
25
CAPITANO. (posturing and pontificating) It is a tragic tale! An epic! A narrative
poem! I was on my way home to you after sacking Troy and making a pretty good
deal on some souvenirs, when – and I swear this on my father’s beard – I came
across this one-eyed monster named Cyclops!
COLOMBINE. (nodding) I know. And he invited you to have a drink and then you
bought a round, and then he bought a round…
CAPITANO. (offended) Not at all! He ate half my crew! I myself only escaped after
putting out his one eye with a flaming stick!
COLOMBINE. So you expect me to run to your arms after you’ve spent ten years
serving time for maiming some drunk in a bar-room brawl?
CAPITANO. (over her shoulder) I was NOT serving time! I tell you he was a
monster!
COLOMBINE. (sniffing) Oh? And I suppose that’s Essence of Cyclops I smell on your
collar?
CAPITANO. (retreating quickly) What? Oh – that – no. That’s a – that’s a reminder
of a terrifying encounter I had with a witch named Circe….
COLOMBINE. (knitting furiously) Uh-huh.
CAPITANO. May the gods destroy me if I lie! I tell you, she was a witch!
COLOMBINE. (still knitting) You can speak plainer than that, darling.
CAPITANO. (down upon one knee) Penelope, I swear by the beard of Zeus
Flashlightning! She changed my men into pigs!
COLOMBINE. That didn’t take much magic. Now, if she could change those pigs
of yours into men – now, that would be something!
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CAPITANO. (rising with great effort, indignantly) Would you like to hear the rest of
the story?
COLOMBINE. (still intent on her knitting) May as well – I don’t have to start dinner
for an hour yet.
CAPITANO . (again, storming up and down) Well, after Circe – there was a
nightmarish experience with a nymph named Calypso –
COLOMBINE. (rocking furiously) Of course…
CAPITANO. Now, you don’t understand. She saved my life!
COLOMBINE. Dare I ask how?
CAPITANO. I was going to drown!
COLOMBINE. In drink, undoubtedly.
CAPITANO. (livid) In the sea!
COLOMBINE. (stops suddenly, looks at him intently) Which sea?
CAPITANO. What?
COLOMBINE. Which sea? What was the name of it?
CAPITANO. (confused) Well – I – I don’t remember.
COLOMBINE. (back to knitting and rocking) No! But I’ll bet you remember every
measurement of the Calypso broad!
CAPITANO. Calypso saved my life! And when I left her, I fell into the hands of the
Phaecians!
COLOMBINE. A Greek sorority, of course.
27
CAPITANO. (crosses behind her and threatens to belt her with his sword – from behind, of
course) A nation of seamen! And then there were the Laestrygons – a kingdom of
cannibals! And the Cyclops! And Circe, the witch…(he moves around in front of her,
blocking her from the audience) Well, to make a long story short – it was just one damn
thing after another!
(Suddenly COLOMBINE lunges with her knitting needles and catches CAPITANO in the belly.
He screams and falls back. Instantly, the lights come up fully, the platform sides back and the
company flows from the wings.)
CAPITANO. She stabbed me! The damned hag stabbed me! I’m dying! (shows
everyone) Is that blood? (panics) It is! It’s my blood! My blood! I’m dying!
COLOMBINE. (Lunges at him again but is restrained) I’ll rip your belly off, you
pompous pig, if you ever stand in front of me again! (to the company) I didn’t say
anything the first few times, did I? I mean, really – he’s been doing that to all of us
all season long!
ISABELLA. (to HARLEQUIN) She has a point! The Capitano’s moon-belly has
been eclipsing everyone in a scene with him.
CAPTANO. (pleading to the company) And what else can I do? You saw what she was
preparing to do – the grape lazzi! And in my sequence! What can one do when the
women insist upon doing this or that piece of business above you during your
most important scene?
PANTALONE. He’s right! The women have been performing the lazzi when the
scene is not rightfully theirs! Isabella, for example…
ISABELLA. How can anyone tell which is your best scene – they’re all so bad! If
we didn’t use our special tricks we wouldn’t have an audience!
TRISTANO When I was with the Groundlings….
SCAPINO You were abominable, and they traded you to us for an extra Pantalone
and a left-handed Dottore!