Beavers
CAST LIST
MARTHA (MAGGIE) LAMIA - MID 40’S, PRETTY, DRESSED IN JEANS
AND BUTTONED WORK SHIRT AND BOOTS
AGATHA (AGGIE) SUD - 29, BEAUTIFUL, DRESSED IN NEAT BLOUSE,
SHORT SKIRT, AND HEELS
HATHOR - COW GODDESS
JUAN SAN DIEGO (DON MCJUAN) - EARLY 30’S
BEAVER 1 - YOUNG PRETTY WOMAN, DRESSED AS A BEAVER
BEAVER 2 - YOUNG PRETTY WOMAN, DRESSED AS A BEAVER
MILLIE - A LIVING DOLL
JULY BIGMEATKNIFE - 50’S TV HOUSEWIFE
HELEN K - ROARING TWENTIES FLAPPER
COP - BIG, BURLY
JOHN - OLD MAN
MARTHA - OLD WOMAN
STAGEHANDS - DRESSED LIKE PLUMBERS
2.
TEN PAGE SAM PLE OF BEAVERS
Hathor joins hands with Aggie and
Maggie and takes one step forward
when two BEAVERS, young women
with exposed long legs and faces
visible, wearing beaver costumes,
enter.
AGGIE
Who are you?
BEAVER 1
We’re the Beavers.
MAGGIE
The Beavers?
AGGIE
The Beavers?
BEAVER 2
The Beavers.
HATHOR
(referring to the audience)
I know they’re slow, but their not stupid.
AGGIE
Right... So, you’re the Beavers.
MAGGIE
You don’t look that much like beavers.
BEAVER 2
We can show you our furry tails.
The Beavers begin to turn around
and bend over.
MAGGIE
No, no. That’s all right. Nobody wants to see anything
furry that you two have.
3.
Wait a minute.
AGGIE
There’s no fur on a beavers tail.
BEAVER 1
Just a little joke.
AGGIE
Very funny.
MAGGIE
Are you sure you’re beavers?
BEAVER 1
Can we move on?
MAGGIE
Right, right, so... why are you here?
BEAVER 2
Comedy relief.
MAGGIE
How’s that working out for you?
BEAVER 1
The writer was afraid he’d been too subtle up ‘til now.
Everyone looks out at the
audience.
BEAVER 2
Actually we’re also supposed to do a little interpretive
dance.
AGGIE
Really?!
Hathor steps over beside them.
The two Beavers step to the
middle of the stage.
4.
BEAVER 1
You’re sure you want us to dance?
MAGGIE
If you’re supposed to dance, dance!
The Beavers stand tall and
straight looking prepared to
dance.
We don’t have to dance.
It’s in your contract.
paid.
BEAVER 2
We could just...
HATHOR
If you don’t dance, you don’t get
The Beavers sigh and resume their
positions. The music starts and
the beavers dance. When the
short dance ends, Aggie, Maggie,
and Hathor clap politely.
HATHOR
Very nice.
The Beavers bow to Maggie and
Aggie.
So that’s it?
AGGIE
You’re done?
BEAVER 1
Pretty much.
MAGGIE
And now you wander off into the woods to do, you know,
whatever it is beavers do in the privacy of their own lodge.
BEAVER 2
You make it sound so dirty.
AGGIE
It is if you do it right.
Everyone stands in silence and
looks at Aggie.
5.
AGGIE
Sorry.
JET THUNDER sounds.
MAGGIE
Now what.
Juan, dressed in a Matador outfit
with a large sword and a thick
Groucho mustache and eyebrows,
but obviously Juan, enters.
AGGIE
Juan, how did you get here?
JUAN
I... I walked from over there to... over here.
AGGIE
No, I mean, how did you get... Where are we anyway?
HATHOR
The underworld.
MAGGIE
Hell?!
We’re in hell!?
HATHOR
No, but we can go to hell if you like. It’s just down the
road a couple of miles. Take a left at the Starbucks...
AGGIE
They have Starbucks in hell?
HATHOR
Do they have Starbucks!? You can’t swing a dead cat in hell
without hitting a Starbucks.
AGGIE
There are dead cats in hell?
6.
Got to have dead cats.
HATHOR
Huge dead rat problem.
MAGGIE
But if a dead cat catches a dead rat and eats it...?
HATHOR
That is a puzzler.
AGGIE
Can we get back to what we’re doing here?
HATHOR
Oh. Right.
Don McJuan...
MAGGIE
McJuan?
JUAN
I’ve been franchised.
HATHOR
Don McJuan is here to guide us.
AGGIE
And why is he dressed like a bullfighter?
HATHOR
Just seemed to go with the whole cow thing.
MAGGIE
This whole thing is... udderly ridiculous.
A COP in uniform enters, carrying
an extra large night stick, and
pulls a police ticket book and
pen from a pocket and steps over
to Maggie.
COP
Ma’am, do you know why I’ve pulled you over?
7.
MAGGIE
A cop...?
COP
Police officer, ma’am.
MAGGIE
I don’t remember a, ah, Police Officer in the script.
COP
I’m not in the script, ma’am.
I’m the Comedy Police.
AGGIE
Comedy police?
COP
Yes, ma’am. I’m here to ensure that all the jokes on this
stage are funny...
JUAN
Where have you been for the last half hour?
COP
...And to make certain that absolutely no improv occurs
during the production.
AGGIE
Improv?
COP
There’s been a huge increase in improv over the past decade
in comedy, ma’am. It started with small outbreaks in
Toronto, Chicago and New York. Then small gangs of these adlibers sprang up all over the country, but recently it has
really begun to flourish in Hollywood. We of the comedy
police feel it is time to stamp out this scourge.
MAGGIE
You’ll get no argument from me, officer.
COP
Anyway, ma’am. I’ve pulled you over for punning.
class C misdemeanor.
That’s a
8.
I’m only going to issue you a warning at this time, but I’ll
be standing right over there and if there are further
occurrences, I will issue you a citation that is punishable
by large fines and even jail time.
MAGGIE
(pointing to Hathor)
But she made the same joke.
COP
Diplomatic immunity.
MAGGIE
It won’t happen again, officer.
COP
I’m sure it won’t, ma’am. Carry on.
The Cop tips his hat and walks to
the far back corner of the stage
where he stands.
AGGIE
(to Juan)
So you’re our guide.
JUAN
Ah... yes.
AGGIE
Lead on, McJuan.
JUAN
I need everyone to line up.
MAGGIE
What is this, kindergarten?
JUAN
Beavers first, then Aggie and Maggie, then Bossie...
9.
The cow?
AGGIE
What do we need a cow for?
HATHOR
You really don’t you like cows, do you?
AGGIE
I do if their properly cooked.
Everyone looks back at the Cop.
AGGIE
Sorry. It’s an old W.C. Fields line. It just slipped out.
The cow can come. I mean, what do I care.
JUAN
(calling out)
Bossie!
Bossie doesn’t move.
HATHOR
Bossie!
Bossie doesn’t move.
MAGGIE
George!
Martha!
Bossie’s head turns and Martha
peeks out from her half. Maggie
waves them over. Bossie walks
over.
JUAN
Now ever one pair up and hold hands.
AGGIE
It is kindergarten.
Aggie takes Maggie’s hand. The
Beavers join hands. Martha steps
up beside George and George
sticks his hand out and they join
hands. Hathor steps to the rear
of the line.
10.
JUAN
Stay together. The underworld is a dangerous place and I
don’t want anyone getting separated from the group.
Juan leads the group in a large
circle on the stage until they
are back where they started. He
stops and breaths heavily.
JUAN
Wasn’t sure we were going to make it there for a second.
MAGGIE
But we’re right back where we started.
JUAN
It’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey.
AGGIE
But we just walked in a giant circle.
Nothing happened.
JUAN
Are you sure?
Maggie looks from side to side.
AGGIE
Yes, I’m sure.
JUAN
Oh... well, I’m just the guide.
Everyone looks at Hathor.
HATHOR
Why’s everyone looking at me?
MAGGIE
You’re the goddess.
Cow Goddess.
HATHOR
Emphasis on cow.
11.
AGGIE
I knew this was bull crap. This heifer can’t help.
HATHOR
Who you calling a heifer?
Aggie and Hathor square off.
Come on goddess!
AGGIE
I’m ready for a little cow tippin’.
Martha steps in between them.
MARTHA
Stop it, you two.
(to Aggie)
You, leave the cow goddess alone. She’s trying to help you.
(to Hathor)
And you. These women need your help. Give it to them.
Aggie and Hathor look a little
sheepish. Martha goes back to
George.
MARTHA
George and I will be going back over there to chew our cud.
I don’t want to have to come back over here.
AGGIE & HATHOR
Yes, ma’am.
Martha resumes her place as the
back half of Bossie and Bossie
goes back to where she was
earlier.
HATHOR
(grudging)
Sorry.
12.
AGGIE
(equally grudging)
Sorry.
Alright.
HATHOR
Everybody line up again.
The line forms again with Juan
leading.
HATHOR
Once more around the park, McJuan.
JUAN
This time with feeling.
Juan sighs and begins to lead the
group in another big circle of
the stage coming back to where
they began. Just as they finish
the loop, a JET ROARS overhead.
From the wings comes a tall,
large busted woman, MILLIE,
dressed in a a black and white
stripped, strapless bathing suit,
cinched waist, and high heels.
There is a paper bag over her
head. On the front of the bag
where the eye holes are, are
painted large vacant blue eyes.
Where the mouth hole is, is a
painted pouty pink mouth. A
blonde big-haired wig is perched
on top of the bag. Millie comes
over to the small group.
AGGIE
That’s not...
MAGGIE
She’s not...
HATHOR
Noooo. We couldn’t do that. That could get us into legal
trouble.
AGGIE
Well, who is she then?
13.
JUAN
Mystery guest, what is your name?
MILLIE
You can call me... Ba... Millie.
MAGGIE
BaMillie?
MILLIE
No, just... just Millie.
AGGIE
You have a bag over your head.
MILLIE
You’re not just another pretty face, are you?
Aggie opens her mouth then looks back at the
Cop. Everyone turns to the Cop.
M AGGIE
That’s an awfully big night stick he has.
AGGIE
It is, isn’t it... Give me that line one more time.
M ILLIE
(clears her throat)
You’re not just another pretty face, are you?
HATHOR
Don’t do it, Aggie.
AGGIE
But I’ve never done a Cop. I bet he has handcuffs and a taser and that big night stick.
M ILLIE
Night stick is hard.
Everyone turns and stares at Millie.
M AGGIE
Aggie, this is the very thing you’re here to try and change.
14.
AGGIE
You’re right... you’re right.
M ILLIE
If you don’t want him, can I have him?
HATHOR
No, you can’t have him.
M AGGIE
Just what would you do with him anyway?
M ILLIE
Why, I’d be his girlfriend.
AGGIE
How can you be a girlfriend? You’re not even anatomically correct?
M ILLIE
What are you saying?
JUAN
I think what she’s meant is...
M ILLIE
I know what she’s meant. I’m not stupid.
M AGGIE
Real men don’t want plastic women.
AGGIE
Plastic women without a muff.
M AGGIE
Could you be any cruder?
AGGIE
Oh, I can be lots cruder.
BEAVER 1
Pussy.
15.
BEAVER 2
Twat.
BEAVER 1
The Hairy Taco.
BEAVER 2
The big C.
JUAN
The big C?
M AGGIE
Don’t say it.
AGGIE
Cunt.
HATHOR
She just can’t help herself, can she?
AGGIE
In my sorority house, we keep a list of euphemisms for female genitalia on the bulletin
board.
M AGGIE
One of the many benefits of a college education.
JUAN
I’m sorry I asked. M en don’t even use that last one anymore.
AGGIE
What do you call it?
JUAN
I’ve always preferred a more classical term.
AGGIE
Snatch?
16.
M AGGIE
That’s classical.
JUAN
Vulva. It’s more encompassing and I just like the sound. Somehow, it sounds like what
it is.
AGGIE
Nice word. Vulva. I like that.
M ILLIE
You two don’t know much about men, do you?
HATHOR
She’s got you there.
M AGGIE
Just what kind of a... woman are you?
MILLIE
AGGIE
I’m the original all-American
(on top of the end of
Virgin.
Millie’s sentence.)
Slut.
M AGGIE
All-American? You’re modeled after a German sex doll.
AGGIE
And your made in Japan.
BEAVER 1
China.
BEAVER 2
And Indonesia.
M ILLIE
But my heart is pure red, white,...
M AGGIE
And pink. Yea. We know.
17.
M ILLIE
No. Not pink. Blue.
M AGGIE
Right, right. Blue. Thank you. Did... did I say thank you?
AGGIE
She meant...
M ILLIE
I know what she meant. I’m not stupid.
M AGGIE
(sarcastic ala Gwen Stefani)
I’m just a girl.
M ILLIE
You don’t like me very much do you?
M AGGIE
I remember the doll I had when I was just a girl.
M ILLIE
(singing)
Bend me, shape me, anyway you want me.
M AGGIE
I... I loved that doll. I thought I could be like you.
AGGIE
(grabbing her breasts)
Not without adopting a pair of twins.
M ILLIE
Adopting a pair of twins?
BEAVER 1
You know, silicon specials.
BEAVER 2
Artificial floatation devices.
18.
BEAVER 1
High beams.
BEAVER 2
M arty Feldmans.
JUAN
Breast augmentation surgery.
AGGIE
Boob job.
HATHOR
M arty Feldmans?
Aggie bugs out her eyes.
HATHOR
Oh.
BEAVER 1
What knockers.
BEAVER 2
(imitating Teri Garr’ German accent in
Young Frankenstein)
Oh, thank you, Doctor.
M ILLIE
Why would any woman want to do that?
AGGIE
So they could have a rack like... well...
Aggie indicates Millie’s breasts.
M AGGIE
Every little girl in America got one of these dolls with the huge...
HATHOR
Udders?
19.
M AGGIE
You were everything we wanted to be.
AGGIE
Beautiful.
M AGGIE
Popular.
M AGGIE
Fancy dresses.
AGGIE
Dozens of pairs of shoes and handbags and hats.
M AGGIE
You had a boyfriend.
AGGIE
And a car.
M AGGIE
And exciting jobs.
AGGIE
And we were stuck in school.
M AGGIE
We had to get a ride from our parents.
AGGIE
The guys we dated just wanted to get into our pants.
M AGGIE
We wore sneakers and carried backpacks and the only hats we had were to keep our
heads warm.
AGGIE
We had one nice dress for church on Sunday.
M AGGIE
And no friends.
20.
AGGIE
People called us “pretty” or “cute.”
M AGGIE
And we were flat chested.
Silence.
HATHOR
(to Aggie)
You were a beauty queen, a cheerleader. Didn’t you have people cheering for you? Lots
of pretty dresses? People to do your hair and your make-up?
AGGIE
M om didn’t have a lot of money. She spent everything on the pageants. I thought I was
only pretty because of the hair and the make-up and the clothes.
JUAN
Skin deep.
AGGIE
Not even that deep. The beauty was painted on. Something I wore on the outside.
M ILLIE
A hard plastic shell, hollow inside.
BEAVER 1
M elts in your mouth.
BEAVER 2
Not in your hand.
Everyone turns and looks at the Beavers.
M AGGIE
But weren’t you the most popular girl in school? You must have had lots of friends?
AGGIE
I had lots of competitors, at least, that’s what I thought. That’s what my mom told me.
21.
HATHOR
Your mother is crazy.
AGGIE
That’s what my therapist said.
M AGGIE
You have a therapist? You never told me that.
AGGIE
Doesn’t everyone?
JUAN
I have a therapist.
BEAVER 1
I have one.
BEAVER 2
I have one.
COP
I see mine twice a week.
M ARTHA
Couples therapy.
GEORGE
I also go to group twice a month.
M ILLIE
I’m glad I never had a mother.
M AGGIE
Count yourself lucky. I see my therapist once a month, but that’s after years of twice
weekly visits until I was forty five.
HATHOR
I had no idea you people were so messed up.
AGGIE
They didn’t brief you very well about this assignment, did they?
22.
HATHOR
There have been cut backs. Budget’s tight.
M AGGIE
Budget? Heaven has a budget?
HATHOR
Of course heaven has a budget. Well, heaven’s only a small part. The “after-life” has a
budget. You didn’t think this all happened by random chance, did you?
AGGIE
Seems pretty random to me.
HATHOR
Well, it’s not. All this has been carefully designed and is managed meticulously.
Bossie farts and poops.
AGGIE
M eticulous. Every cow pie has to be paid for.
M AGGIE
By the prayers of small children.
HATHOR
Exactly. Cow pies don’t come cheap.
M AGGIE
You’re kidding.
HATHOR
Well, not just the prayers of small children, but the positive spiritual energy of every
person on earth.
M AGGIE
I think I’m going to be sick.
HATHOR
..and we do have certain licensing and franchise fees.
AGGIE
So you’re saying some kid in Newark prays for his mother dying in a hospital of breast
cancer...
23.
BEAVER 1
Plop, plop...
BEAVER 2
Fizz, fizz.
BEAVER 1 & 2
Oh what a relief it is.
M AGGIE
Could you be any cruder?
BEAVER 1
Pinching a loaf.
BEAVER 2
Draining the lizard.
BEAVER 1
Tapping a frilly pink kidney.
BEAVER 2
Dropping a load.
AGGIE
That’s enough. That’s quite enough.
M AGGIE
Do these two have to be here?
HATHOR
In an...
(looking out at the audience)
...event like this, a chorus is required. There are contractual obligations.