J o k es, Q u o tes, & Q uips fro m M in utem a n Pres s !
V O L U M E
3 0
N U M B E R
8
•
A U G U S T
TEACHER: Cindy, why are
you doing your multiplication
homework on the floor?
CINDY: You told me I had to do it
without using tables!
WIFE: “Honey, the doctor has
advised me to take a one-month
vacation to some pleasant place
like Switzerland or France. Where
should we go?”
HUSBAND: “To another doctor!”
A man signed up for an exercise
class and was told he should wear
loose-fitting clothing.
“If I HAD any loose-fitting
clothing, I wouldn’t have signed
up in the first place!” the man
thought to himself.
A kid had been using a lot of his
dad’s money when the dad said,
“Son, do you think money grows
on trees?”
“Yeah,” said the kid.
“Well, it doesn’t,” the dad replied.
“So, then what is money made out
of, Dad?”
“Paper,” said the dad.
“And what is paper made out of?”
A doctor and a store clerk loved the
same girl. The doctor gave her a
rose daily and the clerk gave the girl
an apple.
The girl got confused and asked the
clerk, “There is a meaning in giving
a rose in love. Why are you giving
me an apple?”
The clerk answered, “Because,
‘An apple a day keeps the doctor
away!’”
WIFE: “Do you love me?”
HUSBAND: “Of course!”
WIFE: “Then whisper something
soft and sweet in my ear.”
HUSBAND: “Hmm....Lemon
meringue pie!”
Whenever Thelma went to the
doctor, she would complain about
the long delay she always endured.
One day, when Thelma’s name
was finally called, she was asked
to step on the scale. “I need to get
your weight today,” said the nurse.
Without a moment’s hesitation,
Thelma replied, “One hour and 45
minutes!”
What do you get when you cross a
chicken and a fox?
Just the fox.
2 0 1 6
Little Johnny was eating breakfast
one morning and got to wondering
about things. “Mommy, why has
Daddy got so few hairs on his
head?” he asked his mother.
“He thinks a lot,” replied his
mother, pleased with herself for
coming up with a good answer to
her husband’s baldness.
“So, why do YOU have so much
hair?” Little Johnny asks.
“Go eat your breakfast!” snarled
his mother.
On a beautiful summer morning
there were two cows in a field.
The first cow said, “mooo,” and the
second cow said, “baaaaaa.”
The first cow was surprised and
asked the second cow, “Why did
you say, ‘baaaaa?’”
The second cow replied, “I am
learning a foreign language.”
As she left the grocery store, a
woman noticed two little kids selling
candy bars in front of the store to
raise money for their school library.
“I’ll buy a chocolate bar on one
condition,” the woman said to the
boys. “You eat it for me.”
She bought one and handed the
candy bar back to one of the boys.
He then shook his head. “I can’t,”
he said.
“Why not?”
Looking the woman in the eye, the
little boy responded gravely, “I’m
not supposed to take candy from
strangers.”
“How are you today?” asked Joe.
John replied, “Well, I broke my
finger today, but on the other hand,
I’m completely fine!”
Jim spotted several pairs of men’s
jeans at a garage sale. They were
sizes 30, 31, and 32, but he was
looking for size 33. So, he asked
the owner if he had any for sale.
He shook his head. “I’m still
wearing the 33s,” he said. “Come
back next year.”
19¢ Color Copies
100 minimum quantity. Letter size (8.5 x 11). One sided.
No bleed allowed. 24# Color Copy Paper.
Must mention this ad when placing order to receive special pricing.
Cannot be combined with any other offer. Order must be placed in September 2016.
Recently in traffic court, a man
who received an expensive parking
ticket testified that a uniformed
police officer had given his OK for
the man to park there.
The judge asked the man if he
would recognize the officer if he
ever saw him again, and the man
replied that he would.
The judge then said, “Good. When
you see the officer again, tell him
he owes you 57 dollars. Next...”
Toy disclaimer: If broken, scream
until Dad buys a replacement.
PRSRT STD
US POSTAGE
PAID
VALLEJO CA
PERMIT 100
812 Tennessee Street
Vallejo, CA 94590
Return Service Requested
Monday
Sunday
Tuesday
Wednesday
Friday
Thursday
1
2
Wreck of the
Titanic is found 400
miles off the coast
of Newfoundland,
1985
4
Kelly Clarkson
is named the first
American Idol,
2002
11
Attack on America,
2001
18
5
Labor Day
12
John F. Kennedy
marries Jacqueline
Bouvier,
1953
19
Boston Red
Sox pitcher Roger
Clemens strikes out
20 Detroit Tigers,
1996
Greg Louganis
wins gold at the
Summer Olympics,
1988
25
26
The Partridge
Family premieres
on ABC television,
1970
T.S. Eliot is born in
St. Louis, Missouri,
1888
6
Elton John
performs a
re-written “Candle in
the Wind” at Princess
Diana’s funeral,
1997
13
The drama series
Law & Order
premieres on NBC,
1990
20
The first annual
Cannes Film
Festival is held,
1946
27
Golfer Bobby
Jones wins the U.S.
Amateur title,
1930
7
United States is
nicknamed Uncle
Sam,
1813
14
Hollywood star and
real-life princess
Grace Kelly dies,
1982
21
George Clooney
makes his debut on
Facts of Life,
1985
Congress founds
the U.S. Treasury,
1789
8
15
16
The first
peacetime
draft in the history
of the United States
is imposed,
1940
The Four Seasons
earn their first #1
hit with “Sherry,”
1962
22
23
The Lewis
and Clark
Expedition returns
to St. Louis,
Missouri,
1806
Friends debuts,
1994
29
Jazz trumpet legend
Miles Davis dies,
1991
Gene Autry is born,
1907
3
The Treaty of Paris
is signed,
1783
9
L.A. Dodgers
pitcher Sandy
Koufax pitches a
perfect game,
1965
The Oprah
Winfrey Show is
broadcast nationally
for the first time,
1986
28
Saturday
10
Nirvana’s “Smells
Like Teen Spirit” is
released as a single,
1991
17
NASA
publicly unveils its
first space shuttle,
the Enterprise,
1976
24
Stephen King
releases two books
at once,
1996
30
James Dean dies in
a car accident,
1954
National Chicken Month • Whole Grains Month • Baby Safety Month • National Piano Month • Apple Month
New Material
Looking to try some new materials for your marketing campaign? Give us a
call! We are experts at making you look good on paper. After you place your
order, be sure to share this free, humorous newsletter with your friends so they
can benefit from the excellent service they will receive from our printing firm.
812 Tennessee Street
Vallejo, CA 94590
[email protected]
www.vallejo.minutemanpress.com
Promotional
materials are crucial
for increased sales.
We can help!
Call us today!
(707) 647-1000