Peacemaking Team
Manual
a comprehensive resource for initiating and
managing a church-based peacemaking team
VERSION 1.3
Peacemaker® Ministries is a 501(c)(3) non-profit organization that was founded in
1982 to equip and assist Christians and their churches to respond to conflict biblically.
PO Box 81130 Billings, MT 59108
406/256-1583 fax 406/256-0001
www.peacemaker.net
[email protected]
www.peacemaker.net
Copyright 2007 by Peacemaker® Ministries. All rights reserved.
Peacemaker Ministries encourages others to draw freely on the concepts that we have developed to communicate biblical peacemaking principles.
Quotations of up to 1000 words from our work may be used for ministry purposes without written
permission. (By ―ministry purposes‖ we mean that an excerpt will be used within a church, ministry,
school, Bible study, etc., and will not be for resale, i.e., in published form.) We ask that you give proper
attribution to the source of the quotation by listing the title, author, publication information, and our
ministry name and web site. For example:
Reprinted or adapted from The Peacemaking Team Manual (Peacemaker® Ministries, 2007)
www.peacemaker.net.
Quotations of less than 200 words from our work may be used for non-ministry purposes without written
permission. We ask only that you give proper attribution to the source of the quotation by listing the title,
author, publication information, and our ministry name and web site.
Quotations of more than 1000 words for ministry purposes or more than 200 words for resale require
written permission. Please contact Peacemaker Ministries to request permission ([email protected]).
If you are interested in teaching any of our material or concepts, please adhere to our Policy for Teaching
and Using Copyrighted Materials. To review or download the policy in its entirety, visit our web site
(www.Peacemaker.net) or call us and request a copy.
This publication is designed to provide general information on biblical conflict resolution. It is not
intended to provide legal or other professional advice. If legal counsel or other expert assistance is
required, the services of a competent professional person should be sought.
Scripture quotations are from the New International Version. © 1973, 1984 International Bible Society.
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Table of Contents
Welcome ....................................................................................................... page 5
GETTING STARTED:
1. What is a Peacemaking Team? ............................................................ page 9
2. Why a Peacemaking Team? ........................................................................ 11
3. How to Use This Manual ............................................................................ 15
4. Getting Started: The First 100 Days (More or Less) ................................ 18
5. Who Will You Need on Your Team? ......................................................... 22
6. How to Register Your Team ....................................................................... 28
7. How to Serve and Work With Your Church Leaders ............................. 32
DOING PEACEMAKING:
8. Teaching Peacemaking Principles in Your Church ........................ page 38
9. What Kind of Conflicts Will You See? ...................................................... 42
10. Your Responsibilities When Helping People in Conflict ...................... 52
11. How to Coach ............................................................................................... 62
12. Introduction to Mediation .......................................................................... 80
13. Get Trained! .................................................................................................. 86
14. How to Know When You’re In Over Your Head .................................... 92
15. How to Promote Your Peacemaking Team to Your Church ................. 98
RUNNING YOUR MINISTRY:
16. How Peacemaker® Ministries Will Support Your Team ............. page 106
17. How to Network with Other Church Teams and Local Certified
Christian Conciliators TM ............................................................................ 110
18. Managing and Leading Your Team ........................................................ 114
19. Common Mistakes Peacemaking Teams Make ..................................... 118
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APPENDICES:
Appendix A: Sample Ministry Plan ..................................................... page 122
Appendix B: Sample Confidentiality Form .................................................. 129
Appendix C: Sample Record-Keeping Form ............................................... 130
Appendix D: Sample Intake Form ................................................................. 131
Appendix E: Sample Evaluation Form ......................................................... 132
Appendix F: Learning to Coach from Observation Worksheet:
Suggested Answers .................................................................................... 133
Appendix G: Biblical Foundations for Your Peacemaking Team:
Teaching Outline and Discussion Questions ......................................... 136
Appendix H: Sample Promotional Materials............................................... 139
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Welcome … and
Thank You!
Before we dive into the details of this manual – the
why’s and how’s of peacemaking teams – we want to
thank you.
If you are reading this, you are probably already
passionate about biblical peacemaking, you love your
church and want to see her live in the fullness of the
gospel of peace. You desire healthy relationships and
marriages, and you are willing to commit time and
energy to ―owning‖ this on behalf of your brothers and
sisters in the Lord.
Thank you for this love for the gospel and this
commitment to biblical peacemaking. We are praying
for you as you embark on this journey. Remember to
pray for yourselves!
-- The Staff of Peacemaker Ministries
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Section 1:
Getting
Started
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
What Is a Peacemaking Team?
Why a Peacemaking Team?
How to Use This Manual
Getting Started: The First 100 Days
(More or Less)
Who Will You Need on Your Team?
How to Register Your Team
How to Serve and Work With Your
Church Leaders
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-8-
Chapter 1
What is a
Peacemaking Team?
Perhaps the most obvious question – this section lays out what a
peacemaking team is…and, importantly, what it ISN’T.
WHAT IS A PEACEMAKING TEAM?
A peacemaking team is a group of mature Christians
who sense God’s call on their lives to help their church
on its journey toward developing a true culture of peace
– a church environment where people are consistently
expressing Christ’s love in their relationships with one
another.
The team will vary from two or three to several dozen
persons, depending on the size of their church.
A PEACEMAKING TEAM
IS A GROUP OF MATURE
CHRISTIANS WHO
SENSE GOD’S CALL ON
THEIR LIVES TO HELP
THEIR CHURCH ON ITS
JOURNEY TOWARD
DEVELOPING A TRUE
CULTURE OF PEACE.
The heart of each person on the team is primarily for the
gospel: the truth that it is only because God first reconciled us to himself
through Christ, that we can be reconciled to one another here on earth.
Peacemaking teams have a heart for reconciliation and a particular love
and care for those who are experiencing the pain of conflict. They are very
aware that they are working with some of the most delicate matters in
other people’s lives.
Close behind their heart for the gospel will be their heart to serve their
church leaders and advance their leaders’ vision for the church.
Peacemaking can be a powerful contributor to a church’s mission to live
as Christ commands and to be a witness to a dying world.
The way a peacemaking team serves their church is through two primary
avenues:
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1. Teaching. The team helps to ―embed‖ biblical peacemaking into
the life of the church by ongoing teaching to new members classes,
pre-married classes, mission teams, and anywhere else that it’s
appropriate.
2. Assisting. The peacemaking team will
be skilled in assisting others who are
in the midst of conflict and struggling
to work through it in a God-glorifying
way. Often this assistance will be as
informal as casual input and advice to
one individual over a cup of coffee. At
other times, it might be more formal,
working with several individuals
together to help them be reconciled in
a God-glorifying way.
Defining Our Terms:
When we talk about assisting one
party (or side) in a conflict, we call
that ―Conflict Coaching.‖
 When we meet with both parties
at the same time, we call that
―Mediation.”
Because this ministry (like many others) requires certain skills and tools
that don’t typically just ―come naturally,‖ teams are specifically trained in
biblical peacemaking.
WHAT IS A TEAM NOT?
As Christians, we know that our hearts are deceitful, and our motives
aren’t always to be trusted (see Jeremiah 17:9). Here are some things to be
careful of on a team.
A peacemaking team is NOT a group of people who…
Like to ―fix‖ other people.
Enjoy having access to the gossip about other people’s conflicts.
Are frustrated that their leaders don’t share their passion for
peacemaking and want to develop a ministry because they think
their church needs it.
Guard Your Heart
Be careful! While these sinful motives aren’t immediately obvious, they
do have a tendency to creep in. Ask God to search your heart (Psalm
139:23-24), and ask your other team members to help you in this process.
Be diligent to make sure that love for the gospel and love for others are
your driving motivations.
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Chapter 2
Why a Peacemaking
Team?
For many reasons, a peacemaking team is critical to a church’s
ability to truly embrace a culture of peace. This chapter explains the
vital role that teams play.
WHY DO WE NEED A PEACEMAKING TEAM?
The best way to answer that question is through six Because’s:
1. Because of the gospel. As you have seen repeated throughout
Peacemaker Ministries’ materials, peacemaking is at the heart of
the gospel. Unless God had chosen to make peace with us through
the blood of his Son, there would be no peace with others…but
because of the blood of his Son, we now can have
peace with one another. Peacemaking teams help
THE GOSPEL IS THE
their churches live out that amazing truth,
GOOD NEWS THAT GOD
constantly pointing others to the hope of the
HAS MADE PEACE WITH
gospel.
US THROUGH JESUS
CHRIST – AND AS A
RESULT WE CAN NOW
HAVE PEACE WITH
OTHERS.
2. Because there’s conflict in the church, and people
need help with it. Ever since the earliest days of
the church, conflict has been a near-constant in
church life. As Paul points out in Philippians 4:2-3,
even the most godly people can find themselves in
a conflict that they need help to work through. Paul didn’t tell his
friends to ―just work it out;‖ he asked another dear friend in the
church to help them work it out. Teams do the same – they help
their brothers and sisters when they need help.
3. Because people leak. Isn’t teaching peacemaking enough? No!
While teaching is an essential step in changing a church’s culture,
we all know that it doesn’t take long for that knowledge to leak out
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and fade away. People forget what they’ve heard; and new
members come who haven’t heard it at all!
Research suggests that people forget 87% of what they are
taught within 30 days. Without a peacemaking team to
encourage and re-teach, it simply won’t stick.
4. Because God wants transformed lives. While it’s important to
refresh teaching that has ―leaked out,‖ there’s something even
more important at stake. Peacemaking isn’t just about knowing a
bunch of tools, skills, and acronyms(!): it’s a transformed way of
life – people truly living out the gospel in their daily relationships.
The wider role of the peacemaking team is to help transform people
by the reconciling power of Christ’s death and resurrection.
5. Because God calls laypersons as well as pastors to advance the
vision and mission of the church and build up the body of Christ.
Isn’t peacemaking the pastor’s job? No: as we see in Acts 6:1-7, in
order for pastors to devote themselves to teaching and
shepherding, other ministry responsibilities need to be shared
among qualified and capable believers. In Deut. 1:12, Moses faces
the overwhelming task of dealing with the people's conflicts. He
gives the solution in verse 13: ―Choose some wise, understanding
and respected men from each of your tribes, and I will set them
over you.‖ These examples provide a basis for having every
member of the body play a role in order for the church to grow and
be fully effective in ministry.
A peacemaking team will contribute powerfully to a church’s
mission, vision and core values by promoting healthy
relationships, spreading the gospel, and boosting community
witness and church growth through the irresistible power of
transformed lives. Be sure to discuss this aspect of the peacemaking
ministry with your leaders.
6. Because someone needs to “Guard the Flame.” While God
certainly calls pastors to model peacemaking with their lives and to
support it from the pulpit, it’s not reasonable to expect them to stay
current with all the skills, tools, and ―best practices‖ needed to run
an effective reconciliation ministry. It is the role of the team to
become the peacemaking ―center of excellence‖ – as Peacemaker
Ministries centrally supports church-based ministries, the team is
the natural home for that support.
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Is this going to be easy?
First, Scripture is clear that God gives us the gifts and resources for what
he calls us to do. If you are called to be a peacemaker, he will give you the
passion and gifts to pursue your calling (Hebrews 13:20-21). God equips!
That said, be prepared for some work. As you embark upon this
ministry, there is much to learn, so take the time to study this manual – it
will answer many of the questions you have. Remember to pray, to
prepare well for important meetings, to keep good records, to
communicate clearly with your team, your pastors and your church, and
to keep your eyes fixed on the One in whose ministry you’re serving.
BUT, NEVER FORGET - GOD CHANGES HEARTS.
This point cannot be stressed enough. You will labor. Sometimes you
will see amazing fruit, but sometimes you will be disappointed when a
conflict isn’t reconciled after much effort. Be prepared for this and
remember that your job is to faithfully serve, but only God can change
hearts. Keep praying, don’t be discouraged, and definitely don’t view
this as “failure.” Rather, remember Paul’s words about the “harvest
schedule” of gospel work: “I planted, Apollos watered, but God gave
the growth” (1 Cor. 3:6-7). Sometimes you will be the planter but you
won’t see the harvest.
Truthfully, peacemaking isn’t always easy. Sometimes when you’re
working with people over a period of time, it may be a big stretch to your
patience and your faith. But when you see God move and intervene in a
seemingly hopeless situation, it will be one of the most rewarding things
you’ve ever done.
Be patient – you will be amazed how often the seeds you sow seem to
languish in dry ground, only to spring to life when you least expect it.
Never lose hope!
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WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT TO ACCOMPLISH?
This is the best part! Over the years, time and again we’ve seen
peacemaking teams significantly impact the lives of their churches, by
embedding the passion created by the initial teaching. Here are some of
the things you can eventually expect to see—and think how many of these
will echo in eternity…
 Members mature in faith, character, and love of God.
 Members resolve most conflicts personally and privately; church





unity is preserved.
Pastors are released from the ―complaint loop‖ to focus on other
ministry.
Marriages are stronger and families are more stable.
Ministries and missions are more united and fruitful.
A watching world sees something it’s never seen before – a
community that truly loves, truly forgives, and truly reconciles.
God is glorified and his church grows!
You won’t create these on your own, but by God’s grace, and working in
concert with many others in your church, you will significantly contribute
to your church’s health and growth.
Watch out - God is Going
to Change YOU!
You, the team member, can expect to be changed
by God in this process - just as the teacher learns
more than the student, as you teach peacemaking,
you may be changed the most. You will be
conformed evermore into the image of Jesus, the
true Peacemaker.
SO, THAT’S “WHY” – WHAT’S NEXT?
The six because’s above explain ―why‖ the team is so critical; the rest of
this manual explores the ―how.‖ We’ve tried to compile the simplest and
most complete resource possible to allow you to build an effective team
that serves your church and its leaders effectively and ultimately brings
glory to God.
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Chapter 3
How to Use This Manual
This manual is designed to be highly user-friendly and aims to answer
the many questions you will have about setting up and running a
peacemaking team. Here’s how to use it…
WHO NEEDS TO READ THIS MANUAL?
This manual is a critical resource for all the members of your peacemaking
team. While some sections are more important for the team leader, several
sections – like how to get started in coaching – are essential for your whole
team.
Buy this manual for all your team members – it will put all of you on the
same page, which is an essential starting point. If you don’t know who all
your team members are yet, don’t worry – simply give new team
members a copy when they join the team.
The other reason team members need their own manuals is that, in
addition to needing their own reference, they will be making notes,
adding updates, and referring to it for teaching and peacemaking help.
We will remind you about ordering extra manuals when you register your
team.
A Free PDF version of this manual is available at:
www.peacemaker.net/team - click on the “Team Starter Kit”
button.
Paper copies are available through our bookstore:
www.peacemaker.net/bookstore or call 1-800-711-7118.
It is a very good idea to give a copy of the manual to the pastor or leader
who is overseeing the ministry. At the very least, have them skim it (or
better, walk them through it) to give them a good sense of the kinds of
things the team is going to be doing, to help them understand or
remember key peacemaking concepts and Scriptures, and to further
communicate a vision for biblical peacemaking.
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DO I NEED TO READ IT STRAIGHT THROUGH?
You have some different options here. The manual is written in sequence,
and one section follows logically from another. Therefore, if you read it
straight through the first time, it will make the best sense, and that’s how
you will get the most from it (you can skim it easily in one evening).
Reading it with your other team members will lead to a rich and
rewarding discussion.
That said, each section is self-contained, and if you want to jump around
looking for different reference points, that’s fine (this is definitely how
you will use the manual later).
DO I NEED TO READ IT ALL NOW?
DON’T MISS “THE FIRST
100 DAYS” IN
The chapter headings are self explanatory, and you will
CHAPTER 4!
note that the chapters are grouped into three sections:
IT SUMMARIZES
 Chapters 1-7: Getting Started. These chapters
EVERYTHING YOU NEED
give you all you need to know to organize your
TO KNOW AND GIVES
team, register it, and start working with your
YOU A GREAT
church leaders. Read these chapters as soon as
CHECKLIST TO TRACK
you can.
YOUR PROGRESS.
 Chapters 8-15: Doing Peacemaking. These
chapters explain how and when to teach
peacemaking, and how to begin working with people who are in a
conflict (and which conflicts to avoid). A number of these chapters
will develop your skills; it’s okay to skim through them now, but be
sure to read them carefully before you start working with people.
 Chapters 16-19: Running Your Ministry. These chapters talk
about all the things you need to do to run a healthy ministry on
into the future. They talk about things like common mistakes and
getting support from Peacemaker Ministries. We suggest you also
read these soon.
Do Read The Peacemaker!
It may be so obvious that it’s not worth saying, but if you haven’t
already done so, please read Ken Sande’s book The Peacemaker. This
book contains all the important teaching and theology surrounding
biblical peacemaking, and it is the essential complement to this manual.
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Chapter 4
Getting Started:
The First 100 Days
(More or Less)
What will the first few months of the life of your team look like? The
following checklist will give you an idea. Please note that this is not a
strict timetable but a guide – a guide to help you go through each
stage of establishing a peacemaking team in your church.
The actions you take now will lay a solid foundation for the future. Feel
free to adapt the process to your church life, but be sure to mark off each
step as you move forward. On the 101st day (or whenever the team is
launched), CELEBRATE!

DAYS 1-30
 Pray.
Apart from God’s presence and power, all of your effort will
lead to nothing. Begin with prayer immediately and continue to
include prayer as an essential core value and practice in your
peacemaking team.
 Listen to the Team audio teachings (www.peacemaker.net/team
-
click on the ―Team Starter Kit‖ button). The Power and Appeal of a
Peacemaking Church will deepen your vision, and Biblical Foundations for
Your Peacemaking Team will give you some important theological
background.
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 Read the manual.
This provides important foundational information
for your journey during the next few months (see Chapter 3, ―How to
Use This Manual‖).
 Find out important details regarding the way your church sets up
new ministries:
o Who is the pastor or other formal church leader who will
provide direct oversight of the team? _________________
o Is there an existing process to start a new ministry within your
church?
- Obtain, review, and complete any required paperwork.
o If your church has someone who oversees a counseling
ministry, meet with him or her in order to introduce the unique
nature of biblical peacemaking and its relationship with
counseling (see Chapter 9, ―What Kind of Conflicts Will You
See?‖).
 Schedule an introductory meeting with your pastor or other church
leader who is likely to oversee the team (see Chapter 7, ―How to
Serve and Work With Your Church Leaders‖ for a sample agenda).
 Identify potential peacemaking team members:
o Determine the best size for your peacemaking team (see
Chapter 5, ―Who Will You Need on Your Team?‖).
o List some people you believe might be good team members

______________________________________

______________________________________

______________________________________

______________________________________

______________________________________
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 Plan an introductory meeting for potential peacemaking team
members.
o Hold the meeting within the first 45 days and plan the agenda
carefully.
o Provide refreshments.
o The meeting should last between 60 and 90 minutes (see
Chapter 5, ―Who Will You Need on Your Team?‖ for a sample
agenda).

DAYS 31-60
 Prepare peacemaking team ministry plan
(See the model plan in
Appendix A and in the private Team-Only Area of
www.Peacemaker.net/Team).
 Confirm initial ministry team members:
o
______________________________________
o
______________________________________
o
______________________________________
 The Team Leader should register your church and team members on
Peacemaker Ministries’ web site, www.Peacemaker.net/Team. Once
you've been registered, remember to write down your username and
password (see Chapter 6, ―How to Register Your Team‖).
 Obtain peacemaking team manuals and the book The
Peacemaker for each team member (you’ll be prompted to
do this when you register or just visit
www.Peacemaker.net/bookstore).
 Sign up each team member for live Peacemaker
Ministries training. (Use your training vouchers! See
Chapter 13, ―Get Trained!‖ for more information.)
 Copy the audio Biblical Foundations for Your
Peacemaking Team and distribute to each team member.
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A GREAT ACTIVITY
FOR A FUTURE TEAM
MEETING WOULD BE
DISCUSSING THE
BIBLICAL
FOUNDATIONS
TEACHING
– THERE ARE
DISCUSSION
QUESTIONS IN
APPENDIX G.
 Review and edit the Peacemaking Team Plan with your team.

DAYS 61-100
 Present the Peacemaking Team Plan to church leaders.
 Begin ministry promotion:
o Prepare promotional material.
o Announce ministry to church (see Chapter 15, ―How to
Promote Your Peacemaking Team to the Church‖).
 Schedule teaching opportunities (see Chapter 8, ―Teaching
Peacemaking Principles in Your Church‖).
 Ensure that each team member reads the manual and The Peacemaker.
 Complete Chapter 11, ―How to Coach,‖ together as a team, including
the group video training exercise, ―Learning to Coach from
Observation‖ (www.peacemaker.net/team - click on the ―Team Starter
Kit‖ button.).
 Begin informal coaching – but only as the team is adequately
prepared.
 Consider who should represent your peacemaking team at the annual
Peacemaker Conference and register at www.PeacemakerConference.net.
Congratulations!
You have successfully started a peacemaking team!
You may now:
 Get training,
 Begin teaching in your church,
 Promote your availability as a conflict
coach (if you are properly trained), and
 Help your church on its journey
towards a Culture of Peace.
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Chapter 5
Who Will You Need
on Your Team?
Bringing the right people together will make a tremendous difference in
the success of your peacemaking team. Because team members will be
involved in the most painful and personal trials in people’s lives, you
need to look for people with the best combination of maturity, gifting, and
trustworthiness. If at all possible, you want people who will make peacemaking
their primary ministry commitment – not just an add-on to an already full plate.
It is essential that your peacemaking team be supportive of and directly
accountable to your church leadership. If possible, have your pastor or
another church leader be a part of the team. If that’s not possible, make
sure that the peacemaking team reports directly to your church
leadership.
Pray that God will add the right people to your team. Remember, every
team member must personally embrace and practice peacemaking
principles. No one is perfect, but all team members should be sincerely
growing as peacemakers in their own lives.
Your team should…
Be the right size, with the right people, in the right roles.

The Right Size
Every peacemaking team should have at least three members. Having at
least three people ensures that a critical mass exists for training, for
mutual encouragement, and to provide a variety of necessary skills and
experiences.
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This ―rule of three‖ is important for an additional reason. Most church
ministries have predictable workflow: Sunday school and small groups
meet weekly, while most other ministry activities are on a monthly cycle.
The ebb and flow of peacemaking is completely different. The team may go for
long periods without significant activity, and then unexpectedly be faced
with more opportunities than can be easily handled. By definition, conflict
coaching occurs in a crisis. Thus, the ―rule of three‖ provides a certain
surge capacity to accommodate crises that come in waves.
In a small church it may be a challenge to find three qualified people to
form a team; in this case, you can get started with just two. As you work
to form your team, keep praying that God will provide the right people.
Meanwhile, faithfully continue the work of building this ministry, pursue
training, and look for opportunities to coach and teach. God will honor
your faithful service to his church.

In a larger church you can expect to have a larger team. Churches of 500
to 1000 attenders may have 4-6 team members; churches of 2000 or more
attenders may have 10-12 team members. Consider how to scale the size
of your team according to the size of your church.
The Right people
Successful peacemaking team leaders understand that the following are
essential for your team:
 Each team member must be a mature, growing Christian, known to
have integrity, and respected in your church and local community.
 Each team member must be someone to whom others naturally go
for wise counsel.
 Each team member must have a commitment to personal growth as
a peacemaker and a passion to see people transformed by the
gospel of Jesus Christ.
 Each team member must be a faithful attender who supports and
submits to the leadership at your church. If your church has formal
membership, each must be a member in good standing.
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 Your team should have at least one woman and one man, since
they will be working in family conflicts and other issues involving
gender dynamics.
 Ideally, your team should be diverse in other ways, representing
varied life experiences and backgrounds. Seek out men and
women from all sorts of backgrounds – you want team members
that people can relate to! Look for teachers, business executives,
counselors, farmers, retired people, nurses, engineers, lawyers, and
stay-at-home moms (or dads!).
 Each member must have a strong commitment to further training.

Ongoing training is essential for effective ministry. To gauge and
secure this commitment, it may be prudent and appropriate to ask
team members to pay for (or raise money for) some or all of their
training. This is a serious undertaking!
The Right Roles
There are four roles to be filled on your peacemaking team, and each team
member will likely perform more than one role.
 Team Leadership: This is the primary leader, go-to person, chief
spokesperson, liaison to the church leadership, and all-around
enthusiastic cheerleader! You may be this person if your pastor
assigned the Peacemaking Team Starter Kit to you or it may be
someone else. Look for the right person to fill this role. The
peacemaking team should be the team leader’s primary ministry
commitment. You need one team leader, someone who:




Has leadership skills
Will be a strong spokesperson for the team
Will be able to oversee training and initiate meetings
Can liaison with church leadership
Does it matter if the team leader is a man or a woman? That will
depend on your church’s culture and beliefs, as well as who has the
gifting to fill this role.
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 Administration: This person makes sure that all the details are
covered. Setting up meetings, contacting all the right people,
copying materials, keeping track of any documents and important
dates. You need one administrator. Look for someone who:
 Has administration skills
 Will serve the Team Leader by organizing meetings,
contacting people, handling logistics
 Keeps good records
 Teaching: A primary role for team members is to teach
peacemaking principles in diverse church settings. You may have
many gifted teachers on your team (see Chapter 8, ―Teaching
Peacemaking Principles in Your Church‖). Look for someone who:
 Has strong presentation skills
 Can lead a discussion
 Is willing to learn
 Coaching or Mediating: Every member of your team will do
conflict coaching and some may be trained mediators. This is your
main job! Look for people who:
 Have good listening skills
 Apply peacemaking principles in their own lives
 Are humble and eager to learn
Identify your three initial team members and then register with
Peacemaker Ministries and begin to benefit from the support services for
peacemaking teams (see Chapter 6, ―How to Register Your Team‖).
An Agenda for Your Initial Team Meeting
 Pray.
 Describe and discuss the purpose of the ministry (see Chapter 2,




―Why a Peacemaking Team?‖).
Explain expectations of personal investment with respect to time,
finances (if any), and accountability.
Describe roles and discuss their allocation.
Discuss the implementation schedule.
Discuss the training schedule.
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 Establish a meeting schedule.
-


For example, meet for accountability and training every two
weeks (e.g., first and third Thursday of the month).
Give prospective members two weeks to consider joining the team.
Pray.
May God provide just the right people to serve on your
peacemaking team!
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Chapter 6
How to Register Your Team
Registering your team is a crucial step in getting set up – this chapter
explains why and how.
WHY DO WE NEED TO REGISTER?
There are five benefits to registering your team, and they’re all big!
#1 – To Start Receiving Support.
 Benefit
As you will read in Chapter 16 (―How Peacemaker Ministries Will
Support Your Team‖), we provide extensive support to peacemaking
teams, including best practices, helpful tips, testimonies, and lessons from
other teams. You need to register with us so we know your team exists,
and so we have contact details for every team member to begin
supporting you!
#2 – Access to Special Resources.
 Benefit
Registered teams have access to a private, ―Team Member Only‖ area on
the Peacemaker Ministries website. In this area, you will have access to
discussion boards, Q&A, and other features designed specifically for your
team.
#3 – Web Listing for Networking.
 Benefit
After registering, your team and church will be listed on our website. You
will be able to look for other teams in your area and connect with them for
support or even just ideas for your ministry.
#4 – Obtaining Peacemaker Ministries Affiliation.
 Benefit
Subject to fulfilling certain requirements (see below), registered teams can
use the specific phrase, ―Our team is affiliated with Peacemaker
Ministries,‖ on their communications. We find that this adds credibility to
the team.
#5 – To Allow Us to Point People to Your Church.
 Benefit
From time to time, people ask us to point them to churches that place an
emphasis on biblical peacemaking. Knowing that you have a peacemaking
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team will help us direct people to your church. With your permission, we
will list your church on our website as a church with an active
peacemaking team.
CONDITIONS OF REGISTERING
In order to register, your team must affirm that you meet the following
four requirements:
1. That the team is serving under appropriate pastoral care and
authority. (We’ll ask for your pastor’s contact information when
you register.)
2. That the team is committed to take live Peacemaker training within
a reasonable time.
3. That you can affirm the Nicene Creed as a basic statement of your
Christian belief.
4. That you have identified at least two team members and that you
provide contact details for each person on the team (so we can
include them on the distribution of support material).
Naming your Team
For reasons of confusion and copyright, you cannot name your team
with any derivative of “Peacemaker.” This includes names like
“Peacemakers “or “Peacemaker Ministry/Ministries.” We find
“peacemaking team” or “reconciliation ministry” to be excellent names.
However, when you are registered, you may use the phrase “Affiliated
with Peacemaker® Ministries” on your communications.
IS THERE A COST FOR REGISTRATION?
First year: No. The first time a team registers, it is free, as is all the support
for the first year.
Future years: Optional. After one year, if your team has found value in
the support, we hope you’ll consider the truly ―optional’ team support fee
of $49, $99, or $149 (depending on church size).
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WHERE DO I REGISTER?
Go to www.Peacemaker.net/Team to register.
The directions on our website will guide you
through the rest of the process.
Just one person from your team should register your entire team. That
person (preferably the team leader) will go through a two-step process –
first registering the CHURCH, and then adding each INDIVIDUAL
member to your team, including themselves. The registration for the
CHURCH will provide an administrative username and password that
grants access to information specifically designated for the church
organization (list of team members, church profile information, etc.).
Make sure that the person who is registering your team has all of your
preferred contact information (Note: your e-mail address is required and if
you are already in the Peacemaker Ministries
Make a Note!
system, please use the same contact information).
Once you have been added as an individual, you
will receive a username and password that will
allow you to access the private "Team-Only" area
of our website, which contains such things as the
team-related resources and additional training
materials. Please make a note of this information
in the box at right and keep it for future use.
My username and password
to the private ―Team- Only‖
section of
www.Peacemaker.net/Team
is
________________________
________________________.
Register now, join the team network, and begin
receiving your support materials as a peacemaking team!
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- 31 -
Chapter 7
How to Serve and Work
With Your Church Leaders
The Bible places a high priority on all Christians submitting to and
working under the authority of our church leaders. Your peacemaking
team exists to serve the church, especially by serving your pastor and
your church leadership. The team’s relationship with your church
leaders will likely be stronger if your church leaders understand that
the team exists to build and strengthen the church.
Our research and experience shows that the single most important
element to a successful team is to have the support of your pastor. He
probably doesn’t have time to make peacemaking his highest priority,
but he must believe in the ministry of peacemaking. Seeking your
pastor’s support is a priority!
YOUR PASTOR AND CHURCH STAFF
Your pastor and your church leadership’s enthusiastic support is key to
the long-term success of the peacemaking team. Look for ways that the
peacemaking team can support and advance the church’s core values.
Schedule a meeting with your pastor or senior leadership as soon as
possible in order to reinforce the team’s role in the life of the church and to
seek their support. It is important to emphasize the following (this can
serve as an agenda for your meeting):
 The peacemaking team intends to serve and support the pastor and
church leadership.
 Explain what the team will do (activities of teaching and helping
people in conflict).
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 The team will be accountable to and under the authority of the





pastor and church leadership.
Discuss how the peacemaking team can support and advance the
church’s core values.
Express the team’s strong desire for and embracing of the
participation and guiding hand of the church leadership.
Reinforce the leadership’s understanding of the general goals and
purposes of the peacemaking team (see Chapter 2, ―Why a Peacemaking Team?‖).
Describe the required training for the team and the importance of
maintaining a continuing relationship with Peacemaker Ministries
(see Chapter 13, ―Get Trained!‖ and Chapter 16, ―How Peacemaker
Ministries Will Support Your Team‖).
Ask your pastor if you can submit a ministry plan and introduce
any potential cost implications.
HOW TO ENCOURAGE LEADERSHIP SUPPORT
Think creatively about ways to show your support for your church leaders
and your submission to their leadership. Build on the following ideas:
 Encourage a pastor or church leader to serve on the peacemaking





team.
Personally invite your pastor and other church leaders to team
meetings.
If possible, involve church leaders in peacemaking training and
conflict coaching opportunities.
Provide a regular personal report to the pastor and appropriate
leaders. Some teams provide a ten-minute monthly report to
church leaders. (Be wise about confidentiality issues – see Chapter
10, ―Your Responsibilities When Helping People in Conflict‖).
Arrange for people who have received coaching to share their
positive experiences at church leadership meetings.
It is particularly powerful for people who have been helped by the
ministry team to share their story through a brief testimony to the
whole church!
WORKING WITH OTHER CHURCH MINISTRIES
It is also important for the peacemaking team to coordinate with and to
serve other ministries in your church. Begin to build relationships with
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other ministry leaders, and you will soon have abundant opportunities to
model the servant leadership of Christ to others in your church family.
 Counseling ministries. Assist leaders of your counseling ministry in
understanding the difference between conflict coaching and
counseling. Explain that your team is a resource to help people
address and resolve specific personal conflict, not to provide
ongoing counseling (see the section called ―Is Peacemaking the
Same as Counseling?‖ in Chapter 9).
 Other ministries. Your church may have other
ministries such as Stephen Ministries, Celebrate
Recovery, Crown Financial Ministries, or other
community programs. Explain to these ministry
leaders how you can serve and support their
efforts and the people to whom they minister.
They will be seeing conflict constantly, and in
many cases, the social, financial, and personal
challenges people face are rooted in conflict. For
example:
 A church counselor may discover that an
individual she is counseling is in conflict
with his or her siblings over an estate
matter.
“WHOEVER WANTS TO
BECOME GREAT
AMONG YOU MUST BE
YOUR SERVANT, AND
WHOEVER WANTS TO
BE FIRST MUST BE A
SLAVE OF ALL. FOR
EVEN THE SON OF MAN
DID NOT COME TO BE
SERVED, BUT TO
SERVE, AND TO GIVE
HIS LIFE AS A RANSOM
FOR MANY.”
MARK 10:43-45
 A young man who is seeking help from
the church to address his past poor financial decisions has an
opportunity to renegotiate payment of a substantial debt
owed to a local Christian businessperson.
 The Christian education committee is divided over the
choice of a Sunday school curriculum.
HOW TO PREPARE A PEACEMAKING TEAM MINISTRY
PLAN
A peacemaking team ministry plan will provide you and church
leadership with a solid game plan for the ministry. A well-formed plan
will anticipate and address your leaders’ most important questions and
concerns while providing a ―checklist‖ of core start-up issues.
- 34 -
A model ministry plan is provided in Appendix A of this manual. The
form is also downloadable in Microsoft Word™ format in the private
Team-Only Area at www.Peacemaker.net/Team. You should modify the
plan to best reflect the language, culture, doctrine, and leadership style of
your church.
- 35 -
Section 2:
Doing
Peacemaking
Teaching Peacemaking:
8. Teaching Peacemaking Principles in Your
Church
Assisting Others in Conflict:
9. What Kind of Conflicts Will You See?
10. Your Responsibilities When Helping People
in Conflict
11. How to Coach
12. Introduction to Mediation
13. Get Trained!
14. How to Know When You’re in Over
Your Head
Promoting Your Team:
15. How to Promote Your Peacemaking Team to
Your Church
- 36 -
- 37 -
Core Activity #1: Teaching
Chapter 8
Teaching Peacemaking
Principles in Your Church
People leak. If we hear a powerful truth once, we don’t remember
much, even just a few short days later. But if we hear it again, in a
different context, from a different voice, we begin to remember and
embrace it as our own. The peacemaking team has a key role in
reinforcing the message of peacemaking within your church.
WHY TEACHING IS IMPORTANT
 People in your church will learn about God’s heart for reconciliation





and redemption.
People will grow in grace and maturity in Christ.
People in your church will learn why and how biblical principles of
peacemaking apply in every context.
You will introduce and reinforce the core biblical principles of
peacemaking for people.
You will grow in your own understanding of the principles.
People in your church will understand, appreciate, and value the
team’s ministry.
WHAT TO TEACH
The best concepts to teach are the basic peacemaking principles – the
gospel core of peacemaking, the Four G’s, the Slippery Slope, Seven A’s,
and Four Promises of Forgiveness. These principles can be taught either in
a single setting or expanded over several sessions. Specific resources for
teaching these concepts are found in the file ―Outlines and PowerPoints
- 38 -
for Teaching Peacemaking‖ in the Peacemaking Team Starter Kit
(www.peacemaker.net/team - click on the ―Team Starter Kit‖ button).
This contains everything you need to teach peacemaking in your church.
If you have 45 minutes to teach:
TEACHING NOTES,
HANDOUTS, AND
POWERPOINT
 Review the ―Outlines and PowerPoints for




Teaching Peacemaking.‖
Review the Basic Principles materials to refresh
your own memory.
Study the 45-minute Teaching Notes.
Use the 45-minute PowerPoint™ presentation.
Give each participant a Peacemaking Principles
pamphlet.
RESOURCES ARE ALL
PART OF THE TEAM
STARTER KIT
(WWW.PEACEMAKER.
NET/TEAM)
If you have 2½ hours to teach:
 Review the ―Outlines and PowerPoints for Teaching




Peacemaking.‖
Review the Basic Principles materials to refresh your own memory.
Study the 2½-hour Teaching Notes.
Use the 2½-hour PowerPoint presentation.
Give each participant a Peacemaking Principles pamphlet.
If you have 8 to 12 hours (time for a series), use the Resolving Everyday
Conflict video series.
WHEN TO TEACH
People in a church expect to learn from God’s Word. Your team members
can look for areas where learning can take place in a comfortable and
natural setting. For example:
 Sunday school or weekly Bible studies, both adults and youth.
These provide the most obvious teaching venue.
 Pre-marital counseling or young marrieds classes. By offering to
teach peacemaking privately to couples going through pre-marital
counseling, both the couples and your church will reap lasting
benefits.
 New member class. Is there a better place to introduce prospective
members to these dynamic principles? Many churches find
- 39 -
training in peacemaking to be a winsome and practical part of new
member orientation.
 Large group teaching events. Your church leaders may invite you
to lead follow-up sessions to reinforce or build on related small
group studies. You may want to invite people from other churches
to join you!
 Short-term mission teams. Different people from different families
thrown together in a different culture on a single project – it is
either a prescription for conflict or an incredible opportunity to
learn and practice biblical peacemaking!
 Small Group Studies. If your church previously used the Resolving
Everyday Conflict series or the Small Group Study, your team could
lead additional small group studies for new attenders or others
who did not participate.
For children, Peacemaker Ministries has the Young Peacemaker
curriculum. You can order this at www.Peacemaker.net/bookstore.
BASIC TEACHING TIPS
The best way to learn the principles of biblical peacemaking is through the
process of teaching. Certain members of your team will be natural
teachers and feel more comfortable than others presenting to groups.
That’s fine! Not every team member needs to be a regular teacher. But
don’t let fear keep you from taking a risk. We all have something to offer
to other people. It is surprising how often the quietest member of the team
is the most effective teacher.
- 40 -
When you are teaching, keep in mind the following:
 Be yourself. Don’t try to adopt someone’s style. You are at
your best when you are you!
 Be prepared. Know the material well enough that you only
occasionally refer to your notes. Practice with your family or
friends.
 Use your own stories. People identify and remember when you
share from your heart and personal experience. Be vulnerable.
Be real.
 Be energetic. Pray for God to give you excitement and passion
for presenting his truth.
- 41 -
Core Activity #2: Assisting
Others in Conflict
Chapter 9
What Kind of Conflicts
Will You See?
Conflict occurs across a broad spectrum – from the very private to the
very public, from the relatively simple to the extremely complex. It
also occurs in a variety of contexts – family, business, personality
clash, or disagreements about church ministries. This chapter
considers the types of conflicts you are likely to see so that you can be
prepared to handle them more effectively.
WHAT TYPES OF CONFLICTS DO CHURCHES SEE?
The church is a representative group of the people in your community.
Individuals will come to you with conflicts similar to those you experience
outside of the church. The following are some examples of the various
types of conflict you will see.
A.
Conflicts related to church life:
 A volunteer is upset with another volunteer.
 An individual who attends the church has a conflict with a staff
member.
 Conflicts arise regarding hiring and other employment issues.
 Individuals take sides on the direction of a particular ministry –
for example, worship style, missions focus, or children’s
curriculum.
- 42 -
 Conflicts occur over how the church is run, such as
disagreements over how to select leaders or conduct
congregational meetings.
 Conflicts develop out of accountability or church discipline
matters.
Caution!
Conflicts regarding church governance must be
handled in a way that is consistent with your church’s
organizational governance documents. It’s possible that your ByLaws or Policies & Procedures require that these disputes be
handled in a specific way, by specific people. You should find out if this
is the case before getting involved.
Likewise, it may be inappropriate for you to get involved in conflicts
arising out of church discipline matters. Before proceeding, find out if
your church gives a specific group of leaders the authority to address
these matters. Do not get involved if your involvement will be contrary to these
guidelines.
B.
Family-related conflicts:






Conflicts between parents and children
Conflicts between adult children and/or their parents
Conflicts in dating relationships
Conflicts between spouses
Conflicts between in-laws
Conflicts with grandparents
More Caution! Intervening in marriage conflict can be
especially difficult. The intensity of emotions and the level of
intimacy in marriage relationships make these conflicts unique.
Enter into marriage conflicts carefully – trust that God can transform
lives, but be cautious and recognize that you may quickly be in over
your head.
Mediation Training will give you the basic tools and principles that you
will need to mediate most conflicts. Even then, proceed with caution when
you encounter a marriage conflict.
- 43 -
If you find yourself doing a lot of this kind of work, consider taking
Peacemaker Ministries’ specialized training, Reconciling Marital Conflict.
This training will equip you with more specialized skills and a keen
awareness of the unique challenges that marriage cases present.
C.
Conflicts with other people in the church or community:




Conflicts with a neighbor
Conflicts in the workplace
Conflicts in business relationships
Conflicts in social relationships
HOW LONG WILL YOUR INVOLVEMENT IN A TYPICAL
CONFLICT LAST?
Most of the times when you are asked to serve somebody (or a group of
people) as a peacemaker, it won’t extend over a lengthy period of time.
Because you are not providing long-term counseling, but addressing
specific conflicts, most requests will require a shorter time commitment
than a counseling situation. A request for help may only
require one or two meetings to provide conflict coaching,
IF A CONFLICT IS
or it may involve several conflict coaching meetings
REALLY DRAGGING OUT
followed by a single meeting with both sides of the
OVER A LONG PERIOD
conflict. As the difficulty or complexity of a conflict
OF TIME, IT WOULD BE
increases, the amount of time will also increase. (See
WISE TO CONSIDER IF
Chapter 14 for a discussion on determining the difficulty of a
YOU ARE IN OVER YOUR
conflict.) Most conflicts will not require a commitment
HEAD (SEE CHAPTER
beyond several meetings over a period of weeks.
14 FOR SOME CRITERIA
TO EVALUATE).
One of the reasons that we’ve recommended that you
have three or more people on your team (see Chapter 5,
―Who Will You Need on Your Team?‖) is because your workflow will be
unpredictable. Calls for your help will often come unexpectedly, and
there might even be several requests at once. You will need to prioritize
your responses and know when the requests are more than you can
handle. Don’t agree to handle a request when you do not have the time or
people to address it in a timely manner.
- 44 -
WHOSE CONFLICTS SHOULD YOU WORK WITH?
Your team, working with other church leaders, will need to decide the
―target audience‖ for your ministry. Some churches have decided that
they want to open their doors to people in the community who need help
with a conflict; other churches have decided that it’s best if they focus on
people within their own church. There are plusses and minuses to each of
these options, and you’ll want to think them through before deciding with
whom your peacemaking team will work. Your decision will impact how
much time you’ll spend doing this ministry and how well you’ll be able to
follow up with people with whom you’ve worked. Remember, you can
start small and expand your services if and when your team decides that
it’s ready to do so.
The following four questions address some of the factors your ministry team and
church should consider in determining the scope of the services you will offer.
Answering these questions will help the people you are assisting understand what
they should expect from you.
1 Do all parties to the conflict need to attend
our church?
Considerations:
 If all of the people in a conflict are part of your church, they will be more



likely to have similar commitments of accountability to the church.
If one or more of the individuals do not attend the church, they may not
come with the same level of commitment to the peacemaking process.
People will inevitably have conflicts with others outside the church
(neighbors, business disputes, etc.). If you invite people to use your team
as a forum to work through these conflicts, they’ll be more likely to
address all of the conflicts in their lives.
Serving a broader audience will probably increase the number of conflicts
you see, as well as how many people and how much time your team will
need to respond to them.
Our Recommendations:
 Most peacemaking teams will assist individuals in a conflict if one of the
parties is an attender, regardless of whether the other person attends the
church. As a benefit, this is a way for your church to be a positive witness
in the community. If someone isn’t part of your church, you’ll want to be
- 45 -


especially careful to make sure they understand your team’s convictions
and the peacemaking process (you can always coach the person who does
attend your church without getting involved with the other person). You
will also need to think about how many team members you’ll need in
order to adequately staff the requests you receive.
If one party is not a Christian, the person will likely not be responsive to
the biblical principles that you use. In these cases, be especially careful to
explain the biblical values involved in the process before moving forward.
You may want to eventually offer assistance to members of other
churches, but you don’t need to do this right away! As a peacemaking
team gains experience, other churches in the area that don’t have
peacemaking teams may hear of your work and refer people to you.
Serving other Christians is a great way of serving the broader body of
Christ. Be sure to work through the considerations and recommendations
in Question 2 (below) if you decide to offer your services to other
churches.
2 Do we want to offer our services to the
community as a conflict resolution service?
Considerations:
 This will probably require more formality in terms of telling people what


to expect and having them sign forms.
If a high number of people from the community come to your team for
help, you will need more conflict coaches and mediators, and a higher
level of training and skill.
Your state laws may restrict your ability to provide dispute resolution
services if they are not considered part of your church’s normal ministry.
Our Recommendation:
 The decision to provide conflict resolution services to your community
may be a good long-term goal as you seek to witness to your community.
This, however, raises several significant issues and considerations
(mentioned above), which will require more training and advice from
experienced mediators. We recommend that you start small and not
expand until you have gained sufficient experience and training (see
Chapter 13, ―Get Trained!‖).
- 46 -
3 What limitations should we place on the
conflicts we handle?
Considerations:
 If you limit the type of conflicts that you help with, you may reduce the


impact of your team.
If you don’t limit the type of conflicts that you help with, your team will
need to develop a broader range of training and experience so you can
effectively help with the array of conflicts that will come to you.
Some states may prohibit you from working with certain types of
disputes (such as those involving a minor) without court oversight or
approval.
Our Recommendations:
 We recommend that you do limit the type of conflicts you help with
according to the level of training and experience that your team has. Be
especially careful if there are potential legal issues involved; Chapter 14,
―How to Know When You’re In Over Your Head,‖ will give you more
information about identifying and referring these cases. Even if you set
limitations on the types of conflict that you’ll help with, you may still
encounter a situation that is beyond your capability. In that case, it’s
perfectly appropriate to say, ―I’m sorry, I don’t think I can do a good job
of helping you. Do you want me to see if I can find somebody more
qualified to help?‖
4 Should we charge for our services?
Considerations:
 More people will probably come to you if it’s free, especially since many



of their conflicts won’t involve a financial dispute.
However, people tend to value things that they pay for, so asking for a fee
may increase their commitment to the process.
Charging a fee may generate funds to help cover the cost of resources and
other costs the peacemaking team may incur.
Charging fees may raise tax and accounting issues for your church.
- 47 -
Our Recommendation:
 Most peacemaking teams do not charge, since they are primarily serving
people within their church. Unless the fees are necessary to make the
operation and training of the team possible, charging fees will usually
limit how often people come to you for help. Some ministry teams charge
a nominal fee to cover their out-of-pocket expenses (like materials that
they give to the parties) or to encourage commitment to the process. If a
fee (other than a nominal fee) is charged, we recommend that you
consider how to discount the cost for people who simply can’t afford it.
Also, if fees are charged, you’ll need to carefully handle and account for
the money; you should review your accounting processes with your
church treasurer or accountant.
IS PEACEMAKING THE SAME AS COUNSELING?
What kind of conflicts and situations should you be prepared to address?
To answer this question, it is important to understand the nature of the
assistance you will be providing. Your church may already have a
counseling ministry, or a support or care-group ministry that looks like it
does the same thing as a peacemaking team. These ministries are
complementary, but different.
Peacemaking is Giving Counsel.
Peacemaking IS giving counsel in the sense that you are using God's Word
in order to help people see a specific problem from God’s perspective and
to guide them in applying the gospel in that area of their life. The counsel
that you bring to people will be with the goal of seeing the love of Christ
reflected in their conflicted relationships (Romans 12:1-2).
Peacemaking is NOT Professional Counseling.
Peacemaking is NOT counseling in the sense that peacemakers are not
professional counselors. It’s important to recognize your limits: serving
people as a peacemaker does not mean that you are trained to recognize
emotional, mental, or even physical problems that will be best addressed
by an appropriate professional (pastor, counselor, or physician,
depending on your church's structure and the need).
Distinguishing Between Peacemaking and Professional
Counseling
- 48 -
Some ways that peacemaking teams have found it helpful to distinguish
whether a situation needs their assistance or the assistance of a counselor
are:
 Working closely with those who do counseling in the church
(pastors or staff counselors) to determine which response is
appropriate, or even having the pastor/counselor do the ―intake‖
for your cases.
 Being diligent to determine that the
―presenting issue‖ of a situation truly is
WORK CLOSELY WITH
conflict. You will at times have the
THOSE WHO DO
opportunity to speak into a variety of areas in COUNSELING IN YOUR
a person's life (there are often underlying
CHURCH TO
issues that are significantly contributing to
DETERMINE WHICH
the ―presenting issue‖ of conflict), but be sure
RESPONSE IS
that you focus on addressing the reason for
APPROPRIATE.
the conflict and that your counsel is aimed at
reconciliation of the specific conflict for
which they have sought your help.
 Setting a time limit on the number of meetings that the
peacemaking team will have with people before stepping back and
evaluating if your assistance is proving to be effective (and, if not,
what the reason for that is). Peacemaking is usually a short-term
work, whereas counseling is more long term. If you find yourself
meeting with someone week after week, professional counseling
might be a better fit for their needs.
 Establishing an avenue of referral so that if underlying issues
surface during the peacemaking process and long-term counseling
would be beneficial, you can guide people to the help they need. It
is not uncommon for a conflict to be reconciled but for an
individual to remain in counseling to address broader issues in his
or her life.
Ideally, the peacemaking team will enjoy a strong reciprocal relationship
with your church’s counseling ministry. For example, if someone is in
counseling for stress and a particular conflict is identified as a major
source of that stress, the peacemaking team could be helpful in
encouraging the person toward reconciliation. Alternatively, if a married
couple comes to the peacemaking team for help with a conflict over their
finances, and you discover that one person has a history of withholding
information from their spouse, it would be appropriate to encourage them
to seek counseling for long-term growth and rebuilding of their trust.
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We encourage you to work to develop a strong relationship with the
people in your church who do counseling so that, as appropriate, you can
refer people to them and they can refer people to you.
CONSULT YOUR PASTORS OR CHURCH COUNSELORS
IF YOU SEE …
1. Someone who is homicidal or suicidal.
2. There is physical abuse.
3. One of the people involved is using a chemical (prescription
drugs or illegal drugs) that could interfere with their ability to
participate in the peacemaking process.
4. There are signs of mental illness.
If one of these red flags exist, confer with your church’s counselors to
determine the best course of action.
WHAT ASSISTANCE WILL THE PEACEMAKING TEAM
OFFER?
When people come to you for help, you will need to be able to explain
what you can do for them. Helping them understand what to expect from
you is very important to their being satisfied with the outcome of your
assistance.
Peacemaking ministries help people resolve conflicts through three basic
means; in all three, you are promoting genuine reconciliation instead of
seeing one side ―win‖ over the other.
 The first is conflict coaching, which involves
providing encouragement, advice, and prayer
support for an individual who is struggling with a
conflict. Conflict coaches give advice on specific
conflicts and point to God’s plan for responding to
that conflict. Coaching is distinguished from other
forms of peacemaking because it only involves the
people representing one side of the conflict.
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PEACEMAKERS WILL
HAVE THREE JOBS:
CONFLICT COACHING,
MEDIATION, AND
ARBITRATION.
 The second is mediation. Mediation is the process of helping both
parties to a conflict (usually together in the same room) seek the
resolution of personal and material conflicts through godly
discussion and application of God’s Word. The goal is to lead to a
voluntary relational reconciliation and resolution of material issues.
Mediation can be as simple as sitting down for a cup of coffee with
two friends or as complicated as arranging an all-day meeting with
several parties and a panel of mediators.
 The third means is arbitration, which is when the people in
conflict explain their positions to one or more trusted persons from
their church(es). The arbiters are given authority to make a final
decision on the material issues of the conflict. The process is
sometimes more formal than conflict coaching or mediation, and
arbitration does not allow for negotiations between the people in
conflict. In fact, it’s often used because the people have failed to
come to an agreement on their own. When this is the case,
arbitration allows people to still be obedient to the admonition of 1
Corinthians 6:1-8, which calls Christians to not take fellow believers
to the secular courts.
In each of these means of helping individuals resolve their conflicts, you
are acting as a facilitator, encouraging people to respond to their conflicts
according to God’s Word. You are not acting as an advocate for any of the
individuals, nor are you acting as advisors or attorneys for anybody.
NEXT STEPS
Now that you have reviewed the types of cases you may see, it is time to
study Chapter 10, ―Your Responsibilities When Helping People in
Conflict.‖ These guidelines of ethics and practice will help you prepare
for the people and the conflicts God will bring to you.
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Chapter 10
Your Responsibilities
When Helping People
in Conflict
As a member of your church’s peacemaking team, you have
responsibilities to God, to your church, to the people in conflict, and
frequently, to others, such as civil authorities. This chapter explains
your responsibilities and gives you guidance for fulfilling those
responsibilities.
FOUR ESSENTIAL CONSIDERATIONS
There are four essential considerations that must surround everything you
do when helping people in conflict. They should form the foundation of
your actions and decisions as a peacemaker.
 only through Jesus Christ. Therefore, we should encourage people in
The Centrality of Christ - Genuine peace between people can be found
conflict to believe the gospel and trust in Christ, and to faithfully rely on
the promises and obey the commands that he has given to us in Scripture
(see John 14:27; 2 Cor. 5:18-19; Col. 3:15-16; 2 Tim. 3:16).
Responsibility of the Church - Peacemaking is an essential ministry of
 The
the local church, not a task reserved for professional mediators or lawyers.
Therefore, Christians should take unresolved conflicts to their church
families, which are called by God to restore peace by promoting biblical
justice and reconciliation (see Matt. 18:17; 1 Cor. 6:4; Eph. 3:10; Heb. 13:17).
Sufficiency of Scripture - Scripture is totally authoritative and
 The
completely sufficient for all aspects of life. God’s peacemaking commands
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and promises apply to every conflict a Christian can encounter. This Word
then leads us to seek genuine reconciliation with others (see Gal. 2:20;
Prov. 28:13; Rom. 15:14; 2 Tim. 3:16-17).
to the Heart of Conflict - Since God’s Word says that destructive
 Getting
conflict comes from desires that battle within people's hearts, we do not
merely try to resolve surface issues (James 4:1-3). We also counsel parties
to find their fulfillment in Christ, renouncing any sinful desires and
actions that have contributed to conflict, through an examination of their
heart and the application of God’s Word.
RESPONSIBILITIES TO THE PEOPLE IN CONFLICT, TO
THE CHURCH, AND TO OTHERS
In every situation, there are responsibilities that you need to fulfill, related
to the people you are helping, the church, and others who may be affected
by the conflict. Included within these responsibilities are the following
elements, which are key to providing an appropriate opportunity for the
parties to resolve their conflicts in a bibilically faithful manner.
Creating a Safe Environment
Conflicts are uncomfortable for the people involved, often contain
sensitive facts and issues, and touch the ―fine china‖ of people’s lives.
These factors often make people initially reluctant to reveal or discuss
their conflicts with other people. The first, and maybe most important,
hurdle for you as a peacemaker is to assure people that they can trust you
with their conflict.
You will need to deliberately work toward developing a safe environment
where people will be willing to let you into their lives.
Building Trust with the People You Want to Help.
JUST AS TRAVELING TO
When traveling to another country, a passport is
ANOTHER COUNTRY
required for entrance. Similarly, the deep issues of a
REQUIRES A PASSPORT, SO
person’s heart may require having a ―passport‖ to
YOU WILL NEED
gain access to them. You earn ―passport‖ in the way
“PASSPORT” TO ENTER
that you approach other people. Good passport is
THE SENSITIVE AREAS OF
the key to gaining access to people’s inner thoughts
SOMEONE’S LIFE.
(fears, hopes, desires), which will be critically
important for bringing about reconciliation. It also opens the way for
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credible encouraging and comforting, as well as effective teaching,
admonishing, and exhorting.
Earning passport is not an event; it is a continuous process. A helpful
analogy is to think of making deposits and withdrawals in a bank account.
In every encounter with an individual, you have the opportunity to build
passport (make a deposit) or remove passport (make a withdrawal). By
God’s grace, your goal is to build sufficient passport throughout the
process so that the person will trust you as their helper.
Passport is earned by:
 Developing and demonstrating skill and competence.
 Providing a good first impression (introductory information,






anticipating concerns, clear and confident answers to questions).
Being approachable (Gal. 5:22-23) and listening carefully and
patiently.
Providing a safe and appropriate meeting environment.
Showing respect, sensitivity, compassion, and understanding.
Guarding confidences (within agreed limitations).
Being willing to address tough or unpleasant issues.
Demonstrating spiritual maturity, integrity, and humility, which
includes willingness to admit your own mistakes and sins.
Above all, strive to imitate Christ with an attitude of humility, being a
servant, acknowledging your own sinful nature, showing patience,
persevering, and being kind and forbearing (Phil. 2:3-8; see also 1 Cor.
11:1). These are all essential to building trust. If people see that you are
trying to ―fix‖ them, you will quickly lose their trust. Remember: your
goal is to love them and point them to the Savior.
You will have earned passport when the listener can
answer “yes” to three questions:
1. Can I trust you?
2. Do you care about me?
3. Can you really help me?
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Beware: Passport can be lost in a moment - just by violating one of the
principles given above! Once it is lost, it is usually difficult to regain that
person’s trust. The best response is to quickly and fully admit your error
or wrong, request forgiveness if appropriate, and then move forward if
the other person is willing. You might even be able to restore passport
completely if you act with decisive humility and grace.
Treating People with Fairness
Every person who seeks help with a conflict wants to be assured that they
will be treated without bias and with respect. These two elements are
important to providing a process that is considered fair by the parties.
Whether you are meeting with only one person, or with everyone
involved in the conflict, there are several ways you can show that you are
committed to treating them fairly.
 The first key to assuring people of fair treatment will be clear
communication. This includes giving them advance notice and an
explanation of what the next steps will look like. Throughout the
whole process, you should avoid anything that will make it look
like you are showing favoritism. Two ways to do this are by
defining your role clearly and treating all parties with courtesy and
respect.
 The second key is to give the person the opportunity to be heard
by you and, if you are in a mediation, by the other person. Give
people ample opportunity to give input before decisions are made.
You should facilitate communication between the individuals and
allow each person the opportunity to respond. When you provide
guidance, be careful to do so without taking sides or advocating for
one of the parties.
 The third key is to let the person know that this is a voluntary
process that is intended to facilitate resolving conflict according to
God’s Word. Because it is a voluntary process, you are committed
to appealing to their conscience rather than forcing them to arrive at
a conclusion. Both conflict coaching and mediation are voluntary
processes: the individuals are in charge of whether there is an
agreed outcome, and the terms of any agreement; they are also free
to quit the process at any time.
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Treating people fairly isn’t like a little child’s concept of fair (“No fair!
His cookie has 15 chocolate chips, and mine only has 12!”). Rather,
treating people fairly is about a fair process. Whatever the outcome,
people are more likely to be satisfied if they know that you were
committed to them as people (though not necessarily to their position in
the conflict) and to facilitating a safe and fair process. Your strongest
alignment shouldn’t be to one side or the other, but to God’s side as he
works in each person’s life.
THE KEY ISSUE OF CONFIDENTIALITY
When someone tells you information about a dispute, as well as his or her
feelings, it is essentially their ―private property.‖ It is given to you to
safeguard, or protect, for the sole purpose of helping the people pursue
resolution and reconciliation. Because this information does not belong to
you, you do not have any right to ―distribute‖ the information unless they
clearly give you permission to do so.
There are two primary reasons for confidentiality when
helping people resolve a conflict:
 To prevent information from being shared with
“A GOSSIP BETRAYS A
CONFIDENCE, BUT A
TRUSTWORTHY MAN
KEEPS A SECRET.”
PROVERBS 11:13
inappropriate people.
 To create an environment where the parties will
be willing to communicate openly and to admit their wrongs
without fear that their words or written materials will be used
against them at a later time.
When meeting with a person to discuss a conflict, it is important that both
they and you understand that the information will not be shared with
others except in specific circumstances, which are discussed below. Often,
a person who is seeking your help will want to know if you plan to tell
others about your conversations. You should always make sure you
explain a) your commitment to and b) limitations of confidentiality.
A
Your Commitment to Confidentiality
Because conflict often involves a great deal of ―private property,‖ you are
responsible to guard the information that is entrusted to you. If you’re
working with people on both sides of a conflict, it’s also wise to encourage
them to not gossip, but to only speak about the other person in a way that
they would like to be spoken about (the Golden Rule!).
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In some situations, people may wonder if they can tell other people what
you have said during conflict coaching. If you are giving godly advice,
directing individuals to Scripture, and discussing the individual’s own
actions, you should be comfortable if that person shares
what you have said with other people. It’s a good rule
IN CONFLICT
of thumb that you shouldn’t say anything in conflict
COACHING, DON’T SAY
coaching that you wouldn’t be comfortable having
ANYTHING THAT YOU
repeated to other people.
WOULDN’T BE
COMFORTABLE HAVING
Not every situation requires a formal, written
REPEATED TO OTHER
agreement of confidentiality. In most informal settings,
PEOPLE.
like discussing an issue after church, use of a formal
agreement may not be appropriate. You should,
however, make sure you and the other person understand the
commitment and limitations to confidentiality governing your
conversation. If there is a concern of whether there is an agreement of
confidentiality between you and the other individual, you may want to
sign a confidentiality agreement. A sample confidentiality agreement for
conflict coaching situations is in Appendix B.
B
Limitations of Confidentiality
There are exceptions to keeping information confidential. These
exceptions should always be made known to the people you are helping,
and you should make sure that they understand and accept these
exceptions, before receiving the confidential information. These
exceptions to confidentiality are designed to allow you to obey Scripture
and civil laws, and to seek appropriate help when people truly need it.
These exceptions include seven situations1:
1. Total confidentiality between Christians in conflict is unbiblical
(Matt. 18:15-17). Under scripturally appropriate circumstances, you
may be called to discuss the case with church leaders. Where the
individual is a confessing Christian and has submitted themselves
to the spiritual oversight of their church, an unwillingness to
acknowledge sin and an unrepentant attitude should be disclosed
1
This overview is not intended to provide an exhaustive review of all statutes or other
authority of the various states, but is intended to identify potential issues. The
Administrator and Mediator should consult the statutes and case law of their respective
states.
- 57 -
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
to the individual’s pastor or church leader with spiritual oversight
over them. This may include an unwillingness to proceed with a
biblical process for resolving their conflict. It usually is not your
role or authority to administer church accountability, but rather
only to report the situation to those who do have this
responsibility.
A team member confers with other team members, the pastor or an
outside expert in reference to a specific issue related to the conflict.
You are compelled by an order of a court.
It is necessary to contact civil authorities to prevent another person
from being harmed or harming themselves.
You learn of facts concerning child or senior abuse.
You learn of information indicating that a crime is being planned.
To report suspected crimes to civil authorities (Rom. 13:1-6).
It is important to take precautions within the peacemaking team to
securely store documents and records you may receive from individuals.
You should make arrangements to have any records of the ministry,
whether generated by you in the form of notes or record keeping, or
documents given to you, stored in a secure place within the church, with
access limited to the specific team member(s).
It is also important to be careful where you discuss conflicts with your
fellow team members, so you do not inadvertently disclose information
to others.
Legal Issues
We are called to be “as innocent as doves, but as wise as serpents” (Matt.
10:16). Being wise in the process of providing your time and services to
help others resolve their conflicts includes being aware of certain legal
issues that may affect what you do.
As long as you act consistently with Scripture and your training, it is
unlikely that you will be exposed to legal liability for your actions as a
conflict coach or mediator. Most cases will likely be informal and not
require a formal process, but where conflicts are complex or sensitive (see
Chapter 14, ―How to Know When You’re In Over Your Head‖), it may be
appropriate to seek additional clarification regarding responsibility for
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your actions. For more information, you can consult your church’s
attorney, a Certified Christian Conciliator TM, or the Institute for Christian
Conciliation (Chapter 14 also tells you how to find a Certified Christian
Conciliator TM and how to contact the Institute for Christian Conciliation).
Whenever Peacemaker Ministries is involved in a mediation or
arbitration, we use a booklet called the Guidelines for Christian Conciliation
and a set of rules called the Rules of Procedure for Christian Conciliation.
These documents address legal liability protection for the mediator and
case administrators of a conflict. Although you may not need this level of
formality in many of your conflicts, you’ll learn how to use the Rules at
your Conflict Coaching and Mediation Training. If you’d like to show this
to your church’s attorney before you’ve had a chance to take the training,
you can find the Rules of Procedure at www.Peacemaker.net/rules or you
may purchase a copy of the Guidelines for Christian Conciliation (which
contains the Rules of Procedure) in our online bookstore at
www.Peacemaker.net/bookstore.
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A SUMMARY OF YOUR RESPONSIBILITIES
Your service as a member of the peacemaking team is one that carries with
it a high responsibility to act according to God’s Word and to follow
guidelines for individuals in leadership. As you submit yourself to the
spiritual authority of your church and conduct yourself in accordance
with your church’s statement of faith, it is also important to remember the
following basic responsibilities:
Responsibilities to God

Maintain a right relationship with God, as defined in Scripture and the
statement of faith of your church.

Show respect for the authority of the individuals’ church(es).

Graciously and appropriately encourage people to conform their lives
and decisions to the concepts and standards of Scripture.
Responsibilities to the People in the Conflict

Give clear information about the nature of the process.

Serve all individuals impartially, promptly, fairly, and competently.

Disclose any interest or relationship that may affect your impartiality
or create an appearance of bias.

Make sure the people you are helping understand the scope of
confidentiality and maintain confidentiality within those limits.

Honestly represent your qualifications and credentials.

Refrain from using knowledge or position unfairly for personal gain.
Responsibilities to Civil Authorities, Other
Professionals, and Organizations
 Show respect for the legitimate jurisdiction of civil authorities.
 Show respect for parties’ relationships with pastors, attorneys,
counselors, and other professionals by encouraging their support in
the conciliation process.
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- 61 -
Chapter 11
How to Coach
This chapter will introduce you to the skills and attitudes that you
need to begin helping people who are in conflict. There are several key
things to note as you read this chapter. First, digging into these
materials together with your whole team will make your team
stronger and will help you each to grow as peacemakers. Secondly,
remember that serving others as a peacemaker is not fundamentally
about “fixing people.” Whenever you find yourself frustrated that
people are not changing as quickly as you want, remember that it’s
God’s job to change people; your responsibility is faithful obedience to
your calling.
COACHING PEOPLE FROM THE SIDELINES
When someone asks for your help in resolving a conflict, you can often do
a great deal of good without getting directly involved. You can simply
offer counsel on how that person might be able to go back to the other
person and resolve their differences in private. This process is called
―conflict coaching.‖ Just as an athletic coach guides his athletes to victory
from the sidelines, you can use your knowledge of peacemaking to help
people experience God’s redemption of their conflict. Coaching others
requires an understanding of basic peacemaking, the skill of listening
well, and the ability to prayerfully apply Scripture to the heart.
Note: This section contains information about skills for your ministry.
If this is your first time reading through the manual and you are just
getting oriented for your peacemaking ministry, you might want to
skim this section and come back to read it more thoroughly later. This
information is very important, but you might feel bogged down if you
try to read it too closely in your first reading of the manual.
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THE ROLE OF THE CONFLICT COACH
A request for conflict coaching might be as informal as a friend asking you
to grab a cup of coffee to give you some advice, or a five-minute
conversation in the church parking lot. On the other hand, a request for
conflict coaching could initiate a process that leads to formal mediation or
the involvement of other people – like your pastors – in the peacemaking
process.
As you help coach others through conflict, you fulfill several different
roles. You…
 Walk alongside, sharing the gospel to offer hope and




encouragement.
Point to biblical truths by exploring God’s Word with them and
teaching peacemaking principles.
Help people examine their contribution to the conflict and
encourage obedience to God’s plan for resolving conflict.
Help people prepare for their discussions with the other person.
Help people determine when they need additional help.
IT’S ALL ABOUT GETTING TO THE HEART!
At its core, conflict coaching is about helping people
understand that the real root of our conflicts is the
desires that wage war in our hearts (James 4:1-3). At
the root of most conflicts are desires that have become
controlling demands. To deal with conflict well, we
must address the heart.
 The language of ―idolatry‖ may sound old-
“WHAT CAUSES
FIGHTS AND QUARRELS
AMONG YOU? DON'T
THEY COME FROM YOUR
DESIRES THAT BATTLE
WITHIN YOU?”
JAMES 4:1
fashioned or overly harsh, but it is biblical
language that provides a helpful way to
recognize what is motivating us to respond to conflicts in the way
that we do.
 An idol is anything apart from God that we depend on to be
happy, fulfilled, or secure. An idol could start out as a good desire
(―I wish I could have this‖), but when we begin to make it a
demand (―I must have this!‖) and punish people for not meeting
our demands, this is where we get into trouble.
 Here are a few examples of idols:
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 Idols can be fears (job or position, respect from others,
security, spouse or other family, control).
 Idols can be cravings (peace and quiet, acceptance by others,
getting my own way, control, love and respect, success).
 Idols can be judgments (you are hopeless, you are unworthy
of my time, you are wrong).
 How do we help people identify the idols of the heart? Below are a few
questions that will guide you in helping people to identify idols
that might be motivating their responses to conflict.
Idol-Revealing Questions:





What do you want to avoid?
What do you want to preserve?
What do you find yourself thinking about much of the time?
Where are you putting your trust?
Is there something you desire so much that you are willing
to disappoint or hurt others in order to have it?
Chapter 5 of The Peacemaker, as well as your live training, will give you
more insight and tools for revealing heart-idols.
The Cure for an Idolatrous Heart. When people recognize how
they have been worshiping an idol rather than the true and living God,
you have the tremendous privilege to remind them of the hope of the
gospel!
“IF WE CONFESS OUR
SINS, HE IS FAITHFUL
AND JUST AND WILL
FORGIVE US OUR SINS
AND PURIFY US FROM
ALL
UNRIGHTEOUSNESS.”
1 JOHN 1:9
The cure for an idolatrous heart is repentance and
confession. God promises, ―If we confess our sins, he is
faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify
us from all unrighteousness‖ (1 John 1:9). This is
because our Savior took the punishment for our sins so
that we would be righteous in God’s sight and free
from our idolatry. The gospel frees us to admit our own
failures because we know that they are already
forgiven in Christ.
As a conflict coach, you can probably never spend too much time
encouraging people to look to Christ as their source of fulfillment,
freedom, and forgiveness. As you coach people, encourage them to put off
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the old nature by removing logs from their eyes and to put on their new
nature in Christ through confession and forgiveness.
GETTING STARTED AS A CONFLICT COACH
Coaching can look very different depending on the type of conflict and the
people you are helping – it might be a conversation over the phone, a brief
chat, or a formally scheduled appointment. The following table provides a
basic framework for your conflict coaching sessions:
1. Greeting, introductions (if necessary), and prayer (always necessary). This will also
be your opportunity to clarify confidentiality issues and your role as conflict coach.
2. ―How can I help you?‖ The person’s response will help you to know if you are
actually able to help and how you can guide their expectations about what you’re
able to do for them. For more information, see “Receiving a Request” in this chapter.
3. Storytelling: get the basic issues from them. You may need to prompt them by asking
questions like ―So, tell me what’s going on,‖ ―And then what happened?‖ and
―How did they respond when you did/said that?‖ See “Basic Skills” in this chapter.
4. Explore and clarify the issues by asking questions like, ―Why did you say that?‖
―What were you hoping to accomplish by doing that?‖ and ―How did that work
for you?‖
5. ―Where is God in this conflict?‖ Have the person describe how he or she is thinking
about God with regard to the conflict, and explore how the truth of God’s
character and deeds can impact their response. If they don’t see God working,
your job is to give hope that he is! See “Glorify God” and “Using Scripture Well” in
this chapter.
6. ―What do you think you may have done wrong?‖
See “Get the Log out of Your Eye” and “Getting to the Heart of Conflict” in this chapter.
7. ―What do you think God calls you to do in this situation?‖ Work together to
develop concrete action steps, whether they be homework, actions of love toward
the other person, or something to help them stop fixating on the conflict. See “Get
the Log Out,” “Gently Restore,” “Go and Be Reconciled,” and “Using Homework” in this
chapter.
8. Follow-up: set up another meeting or phone call (if necessary), assign homework,
summarize your conclusions, and pray to close the session. See “Using Homework”
and “Encouraging Perseverance” in this chapter.
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HELPFUL TOOLS FOR CONFLICT COACHING
 Bible
 Peacemaking Principles pamphlet
 The Peacemaker
Aside from Scripture, the Peacemaking Principles pamphlet will be the
tool you use in coaching, since it will give you an easy reference to the
Four G’s and other key principles. Be sure to also familiarize yourself
with key Scripture principles and with the questions at the end of each
chapter in The Peacemaker.
RECEIVING A REQUEST FOR CONFLICT COACHING
You will have a number of options available to you for how you receive a
request for conflict coaching. Some teams find it helpful for requests to go
through a pastor, while other teams publish the contact information of
team members for the whole church. As you decide who will receive your
requests, figure out who will have the time and is the best ―first point of
contact‖ for people who are seeking your assistance.
You will also need to decide if you want to have a formal process – with
forms, etc. – or a more informal process for receiving requests. This will
probably depend on your church size and the formality of the rest of your
church’s structures. If you decide to use a form, there is a sample ―Intake
Form‖ in Appendix D.
Regardless of how you receive requests for help with a conflict, you will
want to make sure that you gather enough information about the conflict
to know if you will be able to help them or not. Some of these
considerations are:
 How many people are involved in the conflict?
 How long has the conflict been going on?
 What are the relationships of people in the conflict?
For more considerations, see ―Whose Conflicts Should You Work With?‖
in Chapter 8 and ―Special Challenges‖ at the end of this chapter.
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BASIC SKILLS FOR CONFLICT COACHING
The greatest drawback to conflict coaching is that you are
getting only one side of the story. Proverbs 18:17 warns, “The
first to present his case seems right, till another comes forward and
questions him.” This means that we have a special obligation to
listen carefully, to give people time to fully explain the
situation, and to ask questions that will fill in the gaps of their
story. Part of asking questions will not only be to gain more
information, but to also draw out how they may have
contributed to the conflict through their own attitudes, words,
or actions. Information that you will want to listen for
includes:
LISTENING
CAREFULLY AND
ASKING
THOUGHTFUL
QUESTIONS
ARE ESSENTIAL
SKILLS FOR
CONFLICT
COACHING.
 Who is involved in the conflict, and what are the ―sides‖?
 What actions have been done?
 How long has the conflict gone on and how bad is it?
The following are some important pointers to help you listen and ask
questions in such a way that people will know you are truly listening and
that you understand them.
 Don’t interrupt: Let people say everything that they want to say,




and learn to be comfortable with silence.
Concentrate: Give people your full attention instead of thinking
about how you are going to respond, and pay attention to body
language (yours and theirs).
Clarify: Ask questions to make sure you understand the whole
story. Don’t assume that you know facts or motives!
Restate: Paraphrase what you heard the person say – this will
show them that you understand and give them the opportunity to
clarify if you are missing something.
Agree: When the other person is right, agree with them before
going on to points of disagreement.
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CONFLICT COACHING WITH THE SLIPPERY SLOPE
Note: The following sections assume that you are familiar with basic
principles of peacemaking as described in The Peacemaker, the Small Group
Study or Resolving Everyday Conflict, and the Peacemaking Principles
pamphlet. If you are unclear about the Slippery Slope, the Four G’s or
other key principles, please spend some time reviewing them as this
manual describes how to apply the principles without elaborating on the
principles themselves.
The purpose of the Slippery Slope is to help people identify how they
are responding to the conflict. Once people can identify their responses,
you can have them reflect on how the
other person in the conflict is
responding. One of the most valuable
aspects of the Slippery Slope is that it
creates a ―common language‖ and a
way to organize information about
different people’s roles in a conflict.
The Slippery Slope is also a useful tool
that you can use to help people have a vision for what type of biblical
responses they should strive for when they find themselves in the midst of
a conflict.
CONFLICT COACHING WITH THE FOUR G’S
There are many ways that you can effectively coach someone in conflict!
Picture your conflict coaching as hiking to the top of a mountain; the Four
G’s are like a well-traveled path upon which you can walk. Use the
principles summarized in the Four G’s as signposts giving you an idea of
where to go next in your conversation.
Glorify God. By the time people turn to someone else for help in a
conflict, they are often discouraged, overwhelmed, and hopeless. Your
job is to restore hope by reminding them of God’s character and his
promises and to challenge them to see ways that they have not kept God
as their focus in this situation. The following ―Three Opportunities‖ in
conflict are a powerful way to give hope and meaning to what often feels
hopeless and meaningless:
 Glorify God (by trusting, obeying and imitating him).
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 Serve other people (by helping to bear their burdens or by
restoring them in love).
 Grow to be like Christ (by confessing sin and changing attitudes
that promote conflict).
A key question that people can ask themselves about the first G is, “How can I
please and honor the Lord in this situation?”
Get the Log Out of Your Eye. The kinds of logs people generally
deal with are critical, negative, or overly sensitive attitudes, and sinful
words and actions.
Your job as a coach will be to help people recognize these logs (the section
in this chapter called ―Getting to the Heart of Conflict‖ will especially help
you to identify the internal ―logs‖) and to confess those sins to God and to
other people. The 7 A’s of Confession are a helpful guide to making a
confession that will communicate true repentance and promote
reconciliation:







Address everyone involved (All those whom you affected)
Avoid if, but, and maybe (Do not try to excuse your wrongs)
Admit specifically (Both attitudes and actions)
Acknowledge the hurt (Express sorrow for hurting someone)
Accept the consequences (Such as making restitution)
Alter your behavior (Change your attitudes and actions)
Ask for forgiveness
We are all much more able to see others’ faults than our own; one of your
temptations will be to quickly point out ―logs‖ that need confession. Your
challenge is to use Scripture wisely and to ask careful questions that lead
people to freely recognizing and confessing their own ―logs.‖
A key question that people can ask themselves about the second G is, “How can I
show Jesus’ work in me by taking responsibility for my contribution to this
conflict?”
Gently Restore. Once people have recognized and confessed their own
contribution to a conflict, it is appropriate to consider how they can help
others understand how they have contributed to the conflict.
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Before people rush off to correct, however, help them consider whether
this is an offense that they could overlook (see Prov. 19:11). There are
many offenses in relationships that could be overlooked! As a general
rule, an offense should be overlooked if we can answer ―no‖ to the
following questions:




Is the offense seriously dishonoring God?
Has it permanently damaged a relationship?
Is it seriously hurting other people?
Is it seriously hurting the offender himself or herself?
If you are coaching a person who needs to discuss an offense with
someone else, it is wise to encourage that person to:
 Pray for humility and wisdom
 Plan his or her words
carefully (for instance, think
of how he or she would want
to be corrected)
 Listen carefully
 Anticipate likely reactions
and plan appropriate
responses (rehearsals can be
very helpful)
 Assume the best about the




other person until facts prove
otherwise
Speak only to build others up
Choose the right time and place
(talk in person whenever
possible)
Ask for feedback from the other
person
Recognize his or her limits
A key question that people can ask themselves about the third G is, “How can I
lovingly serve others by helping them take responsibility for their contribution to
this conflict?”
Go and Be Reconciled. Even though Christians have experienced the
greatest forgiveness in the world, we often fail to show that forgiveness to
others. Your job as a conflict coach is to explain the grounds of our
forgiveness (it is rooted in God’s forgiveness of us) and to help people
understand how they can extend true forgiveness to people who have
offended them. It is helpful to explain four specific promises that we make
when we tell someone ―I forgive you:‖




I will not dwell on this incident.
I will not bring this incident up and use it against you.
I will not talk to others about this incident.
I will not let this incident stand between us or hinder our
personal relationship.
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In many cases, forgiveness will be a spiritual process – it takes time, and
no one can accomplish it without God’s help. You might need to
encourage people over time to re-commit to the promises of forgiveness or
to take specific steps that will help to heal the relationship.
If there’s an issue that needs to be decided even after the relational discord
has been ironed out (such as needing to decide on a Sunday school
curriculum or a payment amount for a broken contract), refer to chapter
11 of The Peacemaker, ―Look Also to the Interests of Others.‖
A key question that people can ask themselves about the fourth G is, “How can I
demonstrate the forgiveness of God and encourage a reasonable solution to this
conflict?”
Remember the Key Questions!
 How can I please and honor God in this situation?
 How can I show Jesus’ work in me by taking responsibility for my
contribution to this conflict?
 How can I lovingly serve others by helping them take
responsibility for their contribution to this conflict?
 How can I demonstrate the forgiveness of God and encourage a
reasonable solution to this conflict?
USING SCRIPTURE WELL
“All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting
and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly
equipped for every good work.” 2 Timothy 3:16-17
Conflict coaches need to be able to handle Scripture correctly and apply it
wisely to people’s lives. This can be an intimidating challenge, but
remember that God promises that his Word is the most effective way that
we can minister to somebody (see Isaiah 55:10-11). A gracious, tender use
of relevant Scriptures can penetrate even the most deeply held attitudes,
so that godly repentance can result in confession and forgiveness.
Here are some helpful pointers to remember as you are applying God’s
Word to specific conflict situations:
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





Understand the context of the Scripture passage,
and the book in which it is found, with careful
attention to the biblical culture.
Analyze the thoughts in the passage.
Solve any problems that present themselves in
understanding the passage by consulting with
appropriate resources.
Examine other relevant passages related to the
theme being studied.
Reflect on how the passage applies to them
personally and what responses are called for.
Remember the work of Christ, and the
redemptive message of the gospel of grace.
“DO YOUR BEST TO
PRESENT YOURSELF TO
GOD AS ONE
APPROVED, A
WORKMAN WHO DOES
NOT NEED TO BE
ASHAMED AND WHO
CORRECTLY HANDLES
THE WORD OF TRUTH.”
2 TIMOTHY 2:15
USING HOMEWORK IN CONFLICT COACHING
Homework? Isn’t that what teachers assign to high school students? It is,
but homework is also a useful way to encourage people to think through
their conflict on their own, using guidance and tools that you give them.
If you plan to have another coaching session with a person, you can assign
homework for them to do in the meantime; you can also ask them to
complete the assignment before the next time they expect to meet the
person with whom they are in conflict.
It is best if your assignment is short and focuses on one or two specific
areas. Here are some suggested assignments:
 Read an appropriate chapter in The Peacemaker, and answer some or
all of the questions at the end of the chapter. (You will want to
think ahead and specifically assign a chapter.)
 Identify opportunities in the conflict: List specific opportunities for this
conflict such as, ―How can you glorify God?‖ ―Trust him?‖ ―Obey
him?‖ and ―What are specific ways that you can serve others?‖
 Identify heart idols and other contributions to the conflict: Use IdolRevealing Questions to identify the reasons you are responding to
this conflict/person in the way that you are.
 Study the Slippery Slope: analyze each person’s response to this
conflict so far and identify ways that you would like to get back on
top of the Slippery Slope.
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 Plan a confession or an approach to another person: write out a
confession using the 7 A’s; write a hypothetical approach, and then
role play that confession during the next conflict coaching session.
Here are some common mistakes to avoid when you assign homework:
 Making the assignment too long or overwhelming.
 Requiring too much ―soul-searching.‖
 Not giving clear instructions, so they’re not sure what you’d like
them to do.
 Forgetting to use the homework in your next meeting, so they end
up feeling like it was a pointless exercise.
Remember, the goals of homework are to encourage reflection on his or her
own heart, to understand God’s hope in the situation and to identify
specific ways to move toward resolution of the conflict.
VIDEO EXERCISE: LEARNING TO COACH FROM
OBSERVATION
One of the best ways to learn coaching (besides practice) is to observe
somebody else coaching. The video ―Conflict Coaching Role Plays‖
(www.peacemaker.net/team - click on the ―Team Starter Kit‖ button)
contain three short demonstrations of a typical coaching session. These
demonstrations and the questions following each demonstration are an
important part of preparing your team to handle conflict coaching
situations. Plan to set aside 1½ to 2 hours for your team to view and
discuss these demonstrations.
With your team, watch the demonstration role-plays and discuss them
using the worksheet on the following pages.
- 73 -
WORKSHEET: LEARNING TO COACH FROM OBSERVATION
(For use with the video ―Conflict Coaching Role Plays‖)
Demonstration One:
How to Use the Peacemaking Principles Pamphlet
This role-play demonstrates how you can use the Peacemaking Principles
pamphlet during conflict coaching. First, review the earlier portions of this
chapter. Read the three questions below, then watch the role-play, taking
notes for use during your discussion. Once you have watched the roleplay, take a few minutes to answer the three questions individually; then
discuss your answers as a group.
1. The conflict coach, while introducing the concepts found on the
Peacemaking Principles pamphlet, gradually shifted from explaining
the principles to asking questions about those same principles. Why do
you think the conflict coach did this? What benefit might this provide?
2. Giving illustrations, in addition to explaining a concept, is often more
effective in helping others fully understand the concept. How did the
coach illustrate, rather than merely explain, the peacemaking
principles found on the pamphlet? How are the purposes of illustration
different from the purposes of explanation?
3. How did the coach connect the different concepts found on the
Peacemaking Principles pamphlet? How did the coach transition from
one concept to the other?
Suggested answers to help you with your discussion can be found in Appendix F.
Demonstration Two: How to Ask X-Ray Questions
This role-play will demonstrate how you can use questions to help
someone examine his or her own heart and understand the 7 A’s of a
confession – like using a diagnostic X-ray for the soul. First review the
earlier teaching on coaching in this chapter. Read the three questions
below and watch the role-play, taking notes to help you answer the
questions. Once you have watched the role-play, answer the questions
individually, and then discuss your answers as a group.
- 74 -
1. From your notes, identify a few of the X-ray questions asked in the
role- play. How long was each of the questions? How might the length
of a question impact the conflict coaching process?
2. In asking X-ray questions, what ―tool‖ is most important for helping
people identify the idols of their hearts? (Hint: what did the conflict
coach do after each question was asked?)
3. The conflict coach asked the person the same question more than once,
changing the question slightly each time. Why do you think this
technique was used and what benefit might it provide?
Demonstration Three: Using Scripture
This role-play demonstrates how you can use Scripture to help a person
understand his or her role in a conflict. It will also show how to use
homework as part of the coaching process. First, review the earlier
portions of this chapter and read the three questions below. Watch the
role-play, taking notes to help you answer the questions. Once you have
watched the role-play, answer the questions individually, and then
discuss your answers as a group.
1. When Scripture was used, who read the passage? How might this
impact the process of conflict coaching?
2. How did the conflict coach help the person engage with the message in
the Scripture passage? Identify at least three techniques used by the
coach.
3. How did the conflict coach make the use of Scripture invitational and
safe so that the person did not feel that he was being ―clubbed with a
Bible‖?
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What if I don’t know what to say?
Being worried about ―getting stuck‖ and not knowing what to say is
completely natural when you’re starting out as a conflict coach. Be
assured: getting stuck is not a question of ―if‖ but of ―when!‖ So how can
you help somebody when you have no idea what to say next?
The most important thing to remember when you are coaching somebody
in conflict is that you don’t have to provide them with a ―final answer.‖
Many people will come to you wanting a “quick fix” or a “final
answer,” but your role as conflict coach is to explore God’s Word with
them and to help them discover a way forward.
Here are a few suggestions for pathways you can explore if you feel stuck:
 Pray (by yourself and with the person).
 Admit that you don’t know! Remember, conflict is messy and can
be very complicated, and it’s okay to let the other person know that
you don’t know what the best way forward is.
 Don’t say something just because you feel like they expect an
answer. Proverbs 17:28 warns us, ―Even a fool is thought wise if he
keeps silent,‖ so stay silent if you don’t know what to say!
 Ask for permission to talk to somebody who might be able to offer
some insight, and come back later to share what you’ve learned.
 Use the Quick Scripture Reference Guide to find relevant passages of
Scripture and discuss them together.
ENCOURAGING PERSEVERANCE
It is wise to prepare people for the possibility that their opponents may
harden their hearts and refuse to be reconciled. First, you should remind
people that God does not measure success in terms of results but in terms
of faithful obedience. He knows that we cannot force other people to act in a
certain way; he only expects us to obey his revealed will as faithfully as
possible. Second, you should encourage people to not give up on finding
a biblical solution. Whether you are in a seemingly impossible conflict or
you are trying to coach someone in this situation, remember: because
Jesus persisted in love for his enemies, we now have the grace to persist
in love for our friends and enemies.
- 76 -
The following five principles from Romans 12:14-21 will give people
guidelines for ways they can act as they persevere through a difficult
conflict:
 Control your tongue (―Bless those who curse you‖; see also Eph.




4:29).
Seek godly advisors (identify with others and do not become
isolated).
Keep doing what is right (see 1 Peter 2:12,15; 3:15b-16).
Recognize your limits (instead of retaliating, stay within proper
biblical channels).
Use the ultimate weapon: deliberate, focused love (see also John
3:16; Luke 6:27-31).
ORGANIZING YOUR CONFLICT COACHING
Sometimes requests for your assistance will be spontaneous, after church
or over the phone. Other times, the requests will be more deliberate. In
either event, it is wise to follow some basic guidelines for keeping the
work your team is doing organized.
 If the request and coaching session is spontaneous, make a brief
record of the session at the end for your team’s confidential files
(Use the form in Appendix B).
 If a person asks for an appointment, keep a record of the
appointment, and let your team members know you have an
appointment so they can be praying for you.
 Upon a request, determine if it is necessary to have another team
member present. Here are some considerations that might make it
important to have another team member present:
 Is the other person of the opposite gender?
 Are you qualified to help with the particular subject matter of
the conflict?
 Do you have enough time to address the situation? People
won’t necessarily call for help at a time that’s convenient for
you! If you can’t take time to truly listen to the person at the
moment they call, ask if you can pray for them now and set up a
time to call them back. They will understand that you have
other obligations and will probably appreciate your desire to
talk at a time when you can concentrate on them and let them
say everything that they have to say.
- 77 -
 If there is a need to make sure you and the other person understand
and agree to the need for confidentiality, use a Conflict Coaching
Confidentiality Agreement (see Appendix C).
SPECIAL CHALLENGES: WHEN COACHING IS NOT
ENOUGH
You will be surprised how often in conflict coaching you are able to find a
creative, helpful and God-honoring solution to the situation. However,
you will also find that there are times when coaching is not enough to
bring about resolution to the conflict. The following table lists some ―red
flags‖ to be aware of and possible ways to approach these situations.
RED FLAG
RECOMMENDED ACTION
The one-on-one conversations are
not enough – they are unable to
resolve their conflict
Matthew 18 advises us to involve another person. Encourage them
to proceed with mediation.
Marriage conflict
Ask another team member or person with experience in helping
reconcile marital conflict to help you.
Person of the opposite gender
wants a private meeting with the
conflict coach
Gender is an issue in the conflict
itself (e.g. a male youth worker has
a conflict with a female high school
student).
Power Imbalance (an employee
has a conflict with an employer; a
church member has a conflict with
a pastor)
The person you are coaching
doesn’t seem like he or she will
deal well going back to the other
person alone.
The person you are coaching is
extremely fearful or uncertain about
going one-on-one
Explain the importance of not creating even an appearance of
impropriety. Meet in an open, public place, or ask another team
member of the opposite gender to join you.
The conflict is a highly emotional
case
Having an “uninvolved” person present will help people to keep
their emotions under control.
Repeated meetings without any
apparent progress
Consider referring the person to counseling, as there might be
underlying issues that would be better addressed by a counselor.
Involve other team members where necessary.
Help the person think through this power imbalance and explore
how they can address it with the other person.
Suggest that the person ask the other person to meet with a team
member present to facilitate the discussion.
Suggest that the person ask the other person to meet with a team
member present to facilitate the discussion.
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
Top Six Reminders for Conflict Coaches
 Be biblical. The best way to help someone in conflict is by





searching the Scriptures with them. God will change their
hearts and give them wisdom in ways that you could never do.
Guard confidentiality. Your conversations as conflict coach
must remain confidential unless you explicitly agree to involve
someone else in the discussion. Even if you feel that you are in
over your head or that a spiritual or civil authority must be
involved, it’s best to do this with the knowledge and consent of
the person, if at all possible.
Promote personal responsibility. You don’t want your conflict
coaching session to turn into a gossip session, so try to keep the
conversation focused on the person in the room with you.
Help them explore God’s Word. You also want to help people
discover what God is calling them to do, rather than telling them
what you think they should do – so try to ask questions rather
than telling people what to do!
Use the Peacemaking Principles pamphlet. Remember, the
Four G’s are like a well-traveled hiking path to the top of a
mountain. You could get to the top by choosing another path,
but the Four G’s provide a clear and helpful route to your
destination.
Provide hope and encouragement. Conflict can feel like an
isolating experience, so remind the person that there are at least
two others walking through the conflict with them: you and
Jesus Christ… and remember that you are there to point them to
Christ!
IMPROVING YOUR COACHING SKILLS
As you gain more experience in conflict coaching, you will grow in your
insights and become skilled at applying the gospel to specific conflict
situations. Two ways to accelerate this process and to make sure you are
on the right track are getting trained and discussing case studies with
your team. Many teams have found the time that they spend together –
discussing actual cases, evaluating case studies, and attending live
training – to be an invaluable way to grow both individually and as a
team. Please plan to spend time doing this with your team.
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Chapter 12
Introduction to Mediation
This chapter will provide you with a brief introduction to mediation.
Because of how difficult mediation can be, though, we strongly
recommend that team members complete formal training before doing
major mediations.
WHAT IS MEDIATION?
Mediation is when you sit down with two or more people and help them
talk through a conflict. In some ways, mediation is an extension of the
conflict coaching that you will have already done with each person, only
now everybody is in the room at once: you are still fundamentally trying
to help them live out the gospel and to apply the Four G’s to their conflict.
In other ways, mediation is very different than conflict coaching…
MEDIATION IS HARD!
Having several people in the same room can create challenges
that you don’t see when you are one-on-one. For example,
how do you decide who talks when? Do you allow them to
interrupt each other? What if one person dominates the
conversation, leaving everybody else frustrated? What do you
do if somebody starts screaming in anger? What if somebody
starts crying?
WHEN BOTH
PEOPLE ARE IN THE
SAME ROOM, WHAT
WILL YOU DO IF
SOMEBODY STARTS
YELLING OR
CRYING?
If you’re not prepared to handle these things well, there’s a
high likelihood that you will do more harm than good in a mediation
setting.
In this chapter, we will give you some basic ways to start
thinking about mediation. However, these materials are very
introductory, and we urge you to get trained before you
actually dive into mediating.
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THE ROLES OF A CHRISTIAN MEDIATOR
 Intercessor. Peacemaking can be draining spiritual work for everybody
involved. Your most important job is to intercede in prayer for those
who are striving to restore peace.
 Facilitator of communication and understanding. One of the primary
roles of a mediator is to help the parties listen to God and one another
so they can understand the truth about themselves, their situation, and
the other person’s point of view.
YOU SHOULD STRIVE
EARNESTLY TO MODEL
THE SAME ATTITUDES
AND ACTIONS THAT
YOU WISH TO SEE IN
THE PEOPLE IN
CONFLICT.
 Model. Being an example is always the most
effective way to teach and encourage others (1 Cor.
11:1; Phil. 4:9). Therefore you should strive earnestly
to model the same attitudes and actions that you
wish to see in the people in conflict, such as
courtesy, honesty, humility, and forgiveness.
 Referee and protector. Some conflicts involve
significant imbalances of power because the people
involved have different levels of spiritual maturity, sophistication,
resources, experience, or confidence. You may need to work hard to
make sure that each person is treated fairly and is faithful to God’s
Word in how they handle their conflict.
 Encourager and exhorter. Even when people know what they should
do, they often have a difficult time doing what is right. You will be
called upon to give godly instruction and counsel, to help dispel
ungodly fears and reluctance, to affirm wise choices, and to encourage
people to persevere in doing what is right.
 Proclaimer of forgiveness. As people repent of their sin, the mediator
should remind them of the forgiveness they have received through
Christ and guide them through the process of imitating God by
forgiving each other as he has forgiven them (Eph. 4:32; Col. 3:12-14).
Are you feeling a little intimidated at the thought of filling all of these
roles? Being a peacemaker is a high calling – it’s also challenging,
exciting, and unpredictable: because no two people are alike, no two
mediations will be the same. Be assured: after your training, you will
be better equipped to fill these roles and also to understand the
mediation process, which we describe in the following section.
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MEDIATION IS A PROCESS
There are three stages to the mediation process: pre-mediation, the
mediation itself, and post-mediation.
It’s important for people to know what to expect at every stage of the
mediation process. You will need to be able to explain things like:




What they can expect from you as their mediator,
What their time commitments will be,
If there will be costs involved,
How frequently you will communicate with them
before, during, and after the mediation,
 What the time will look like when they come together
with their ―opponent,‖ and
 What sort of outcome they might be able to expect at
the end of the day.
IT’S IMPORTANT
FOR PEOPLE TO
KNOW WHAT TO
EXPECT AT EVERY
STAGE OF THE
MEDIATION
PROCESS.
Often these are difficult to predict, but you will be able to describe these in
a helpful way if you know what you anticipate will happen and if you take
the initiative to guide the process in a productive direction.
Pre-Mediation. Before actually bringing people together, you will
want to prepare as thoroughly as possible. This includes building trust
with the people, getting enough information from them that you are able
to understand the dynamics of the conflict, finding and preparing a
mediation team, and coaching each person so that they are ready to come
together and discuss their conflict in a productive way. A few things to
look out for in this stage are making sure that each person knows that you
are staying impartial, protecting confidentiality, and helping each person
be well-prepared for the mediation itself. If it’s a legal dispute, you’ll also
want to make sure that you are properly involving the people’s attorneys
(if they have them) and that you are getting the right paperwork filled out.
This, and other forms of case administration, will be addressed in your
mediation training.
Mediation. Imagine that you are in conflict and have been invited to
participate in a mediation to resolve your dispute. You haven’t spoken to
the other person in several months, and you can’t remember the last calm,
civil conversation that you had with them. Now, you’re about to walk
into a room and sit down across the table from them, although you can’t
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imagine spending a whole day in the same building – not to mention the
same room.
The fear and uncertainty that conflict – and mediation – create in people is
one of the reasons that having a clearly defined process is so important.
Having a sense of process helps you, as the mediator, to create a
comfortable environment and to make sure that you are getting
everything covered.
The acronym ―GOSPEL‖ is a helpful tool to help you answer the question,
“What does a day of mediation look like?” This explanation can be helpful in
letting people know in advance what will happen during mediation.
Greeting and Ground Rules.
The mediator welcomes everybody
and sets out expectations for what they can accomplish and how
they should treat one another. The goal is to set a positive tone and
to help people know what to expect throughout the rest of the
process.
Opening Statements.
Each person shares a brief initial statement,
usually explaining what they think needs to happen in order to
resolve their differences.
Storytelling.
The mediator helps each person share his or her
story, helping them to understand each other’s view more
accurately. This is often the first time that people hear the whole
story from the other person’s point of view, so it can be very eyeopening. It can also be a challenge for the mediator to help people
tell their stories fairly, to stay on track, and to not let their emotions
get out of control.
Problem Identification and Clarification.
The mediator helps the
people to identify and to focus on the key issues that need to be
resolved in order to move toward reconciliation.
Exploring Solutions.
With the mediator’s help, the people in
conflict can begin working together to brainstorm specific solutions
to the issues. A mediator’s fresh point of view often helps him or
her to make valuable contributions in this stage.
Leading to Agreement.
The mediator guides each person as they
arrive at an agreement regarding the conflict and as they commit to
be reconciled to one another.
Post-Mediation. After the mediation is over, people will often struggle
with second thoughts like, ―Can I really follow through with what I
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promised to do?‖ and ―I’m not sure I want to be friends with them again,
even though I promised that I would try.‖ It will be important for you to
follow up with these people with additional coaching or mentoring. Your
follow-up might be as simple as a phone call of encouragement, or you
may need to be more involved in holding people accountable to fulfill
their commitments. More instruction and details on how you can assist
parties post-mediation will be addressed in your mediation training.
FORMAL VERSUS INFORMAL MEDIATION
You will find that not all situations call for a full-blown, formal mediation
process like the one we just described. Sometimes, ―mediation‖ will look
like sitting down with two friends who have had a disagreement and
helping to facilitate their conversation. In these cases, it’s probably not
necessary to use a formal process like the one described in this chapter.
Other times, there will be a number of factors – more people involved,
legal issues, emotional issues – that call for a more formal process. As you
move up this spectrum of complication, it will be increasingly important
that you be trained to handle these complicating factors.
What Will I Learn at Mediation Training?
Mediation training is very important if you want to be able to serve
people well and to avoid making the conflict worse or becoming a part of
the conflict yourself! Here are some of the skills that you will learn at
mediation training:
 Leading a mediation smoothly through the entire process, from







initial contact through the final agreement.
Organizing the mess of information and opinions that you will
hear from each person in a conflict.
Being the kind of mediator that people will want to trust with
their conflicts.
Helping people come to agreements that won’t disintegrate as
soon as they walk out of the room.
Communicating effectively and getting to the heart of what’s
driving this conflict.
Keeping records, especially if it’s a complicated case.
Assembling a mediation team: knowing when and how to
involve experts.
Responding wisely and lovingly to people who are difficult to
deal with.
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 How do I know if I’ve done a good job? At training, you will
have the opportunity to practice mediation and to get feedback
from experienced experts about how you can improve.
After mediation training, you will also receive additional pages to add to
this section of the manual, so you’ll have a handy reference to remind you
of what you learned.
Remember, because you are a peacemaking team member, you will get a
discount when you register for your training. Just be sure to use your
training vouchers when you sign up!
(See Chapter 13, “Get Trained!” for more information).
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Chapter 13
Get Trained!
The materials in this manual are intended to teach you the basics of
conflict coaching so you can start helping people with conflicts by
coaching them. The manual also gives you an introduction to
mediation, so you know the basics of the additional help that can be
provided. This manual, however, is not intended to provide you with
all the training you will need to effectively provide the help people will
seek from your ministry.
Additional training is necessary and recommended!
WHY IS ADDITIONAL TRAINING NECESSARY?
Our skills and abilities to assist others are talents given by God. We are
called to steward our talents wisely to glorify God and to help others
(John 12:24-26). To be obedient to this call of stewarding your efforts as
peacemakers, it is essential that you train and seek to be as effective as
possible, relying on the power of the Holy Spirit, in providing assistance
as a member of the peacemaking team.
The best way to learn the skills necessary to coach
people through conflict and to help them resolve
conflicts through mediation is by experiencing the
processes in the context of both instruction and
feedback.
LIVE TRAINING WILL
PROVIDE YOU WITH THE
OPPORTUNITY TO
OBSERVE, PRACTICE,
AND DISCUSS THE
PROCESS OF BIBLICAL
PEACEMAKING.
The training described in this chapter will provide you
with the opportunity to observe, practice, and discuss
each of the elements involved in conflict coaching and mediation, so that
you can effectively apply the principles to help people resolve conflicts
biblically. This chapter also describes the advanced training that you can
pursue as your peacemaking team matures.
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SKILL TRAINING FOR YOUR TEAM
There are two types of live training for your team: Foundational Skills and
Advanced.
TYPE OF
TRAINING
Foundational
Skills Training
Advanced
Training
TRAINING COURSE
Peacemaking Team Resource
Materials
Conflict Coaching & Mediation
Training



Certification Training and
Certification Program
Reconciling Marital Conflict
Reconciling Church Conflict
METHOD OF
COMPLETING
Self-Study for the team
Three-day live training event,
with pre-event self-study
All courses are live training events
PREREQUISITES TO FOUNDATIONAL SKILLS
TRAINING
Before you proceed with the foundational training it is important that you
understand the basics of peacemaking. You can gain this understanding
by reading The Peacemaker or by going through the Small Group Study or
Resolving Everyday Conflict. (If you’ve already read the book or done either
of these two studies with your church, you don’t need to do this again –
just brush up on it before you come to the live training.)
FOUNDATIONAL SKILLS TRAINING FOR YOUR TEAM
Peacemaker Ministries’ Foundational Skills training provides the training
your team will need to effectively help people with most conflicts. It
consists of the Peacemaking Team Starter Kit, including this manual, as
well as live training. Prior to arriving at the live training, you will be
asked to complete pre-course reading and self-study materials (for details,
see the Training section of www.Peacemaker.net). These ―homework‖
materials will be sent to you once you have registered for the live training.
Your team should plan to take the Conflict Coaching and Mediation
Training as soon as possible. This training is offered in a three-day live
training event covering the following:
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Coaching - The purpose of the conflict coaching training is
 Conflict
to equip you to help others resolve conflict and reconcile
relationships without your direct involvement in the conflict. This
training will teach you how to provide encouragement, godly
advice, prayer support, and informal instruction in basic
peacemaking to an individual who is struggling with a conflict.
– Through the mediation portion of the training, you
 Mediation
will learn skills and processes for reconciling two or more people
who cannot resolve a conflict on their own. This training is
provided by experienced conciliators and gives special attention to
communication and problem-solving skills that are needed for
effective mediation. It also addresses some of the problems that are
most frequently encountered during mediation.
An additional source of valuable training for your team is the annual
Peacemaker Conference:
Workshops provide general teaching sessions on
 Conference
peacemaking as well as sessions that address specific skills and
issues that will help you improve and expand your knowledge and
abilities to help people resolve conflicts. Information regarding this
year’s conference can be obtained by visiting the Peacemaker
Conference website at www.PeacemakerConference.net.
ADVANCED TRAINING
Peacemaker Ministries’ Advanced Training includes Certification Training
and special training events such as Reconciling Marital Conflict, all of
which you will want to consider when your team matures in its service.
As individuals in your church begin to apply biblical principles in their
own lives and conflicts, they will begin to resolve conflicts without
involving your team. Does this mean you will be out of work and be ready
to retire the team? Probably not! What is more likely is that the level of
intensity and difficulty of conflicts will increase, as the conflicts that are
not as easily resolved are brought to your team for help. It is important
that your team continue in its training to handle these conflicts.
Your team members can grow in their level of
skills – and even specialize – as your ministry
grows and matures. You will probably want to
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STAY UP-TO-DATE WITH
OUR LATEST TRAINING AT
WWW.PEACEMAKER.NET.
consider some or all of the following training opportunities after your first
year of ministry.
 Certification Training – This training, required as part of the
Certification Program, is designed to help you provide services for
resolving conflicts in more intense and complex conflicts that may
have more parties and deeper issues. This training also provides
an introduction to the arbitration process that can be used within a
church setting and conducted by people who are not attorneys or
professional counselors. It is a three-day live training, involving
lectures, demonstrations, individual exercises, and a half-day roleplay. In the role-play, each participant will conduct a case that
transitions from mediation to a simple arbitration requiring a
written decision. This training requires prior completion of the
Conflict Coaching and Mediation Training.
 Reconciling Marital Conflict - This two-day training is designed
by highly experienced and skilled Christian conciliators who
intervene in the deeply painful conflicts within marriages. This
course is designed to address the unique emotional, spiritual, and
practical aspects inherent in marital conflict. It will provide you
with training in the process and skills needed to assist couples that
are experiencing marital conflict and are working toward
reconciliation within their marriage.
 Reconciling Church Conflict – This training is designed for those
who are working with churches and other religious groups
experiencing organizational conflict or those seeking to establish
and facilitate biblical conflict resolution ministries within their
church.
 Additional training in addressing organizational or church-wide
conflicts, cross-cultural teaching of peacemaking, and formal
arbitration is also available through Peacemaker Ministries.
HOW DO I GET THIS TRAINING?
All Peacemaker Training is offered throughout the year in various regions
of the United States. Visit our website, www.Peacemaker.net, to find a
training time and location that is convenient for you.
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The discount code in your training voucher below gives each
member of your team a discount on training. Be sure to have this discount
code handy when you sign up!
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Chapter 14
How to Know When You’re
In Over Your Head
For all the great things that your team will accomplish, there will be
times when you’re not qualified to handle a conflict that someone
brings to you. Since peacemaking can impact such major issues in
people’s lives, it’s wise to know when to be bold and trust that God
will be glorified even in your weakness, and when to decline or refer a
request that’s beyond the capability of your team.
Knowing when you’re in over your head and need to back out may be one
of the most important things you do. How do you know when you’re
there? This chapter will help you to discern when your team is not
qualified to handle a particular conflict.
WHAT’S AT STAKE? THINGS THAT COULD GO
WRONG
Be very careful, then, how you live – not as unwise but as wise, making the most
of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Ephesians 5:15-16
Being wise in determining the conflicts you accept will be critical to
maintaining the integrity of your team in the eyes of the people you serve.
You should accept only those matters that you know you can handle well
and that will allow you to keep your commitments, letting your ―yes‖ be
―yes.‖ If you’re not careful to do this, here are some things that could go
wrong:
 Making the conflict worse.
 Becoming a part of the conflict yourself.
 Individuals giving up on the process.
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 Damaging the trust an individual has placed in you.
 Weakening your reputation, as well as the reputation of your team,
your church, and Christians in general.
 Legal liability.
WAYS YOU CAN GET IN OVER YOUR HEAD
Typical things that will lead to you getting in over your head include:
 Inability to apply Scripture in a wise and loving way.
 Not explaining your ministry well enough to help individuals






know what to expect from you.
Not doing enough data-gathering at the beginning of the process,
so you don’t know what you’re getting into.
Hoping that you can help people rather than realistically
evaluating your experience to know your limits.
Not asking advice from people who are more experienced (about
what this case might involve).
Wanting to be the problem solver for the individuals.
Making commitments – in terms of time as well as services – that
are not realistic.
Not stopping and getting help when you realize you need it.
Evaluating whether you are prepared to assist in a conflict is greatly
enhanced by using a basic process of gathering information at the start of
a request. Appendix D is a sample ―Intake Form‖ that can help you
gather basic information to understand the issues being brought to you
and to determine if you are able to assist in resolving them.
YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN OVER YOUR HEAD WHEN…
 You are no longer impartial or are becoming part of the conflict.
 The number of people and issues and the intensity of the conflict
are more than you know how to organize or facilitate.
 One or more of the individuals refuses to go forward, or there is
unresolved sin, and you do not know to whom you should turn.
 An individual is disclosing information that suggests you need to
tell someone in authority for their safety or that of others.
 You are being asked to help couples with significant marital
conflict and you have not had Reconciling Marital Conflict training.
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YIKES: I’M IN OVER MY HEAD! WHAT DO I DO NOW?
Once it is apparent that you are not qualified to handle
the conflict, the first step should be to acknowledge this
to the individuals and to assure them that you will
work with them to find the help they need. There are a
number of ways to handle these types of situations,
depending on the specific nature of the conflict.
The chart on the following page gives you appropriate
responses for situations that you might encounter.
THE FIRST STEP IS TO
ACKNOWLEDGE THAT
YOU ARE IN OVER
YOUR HEAD AND TO
ASSURE THE PEOPLE
THAT YOU WILL WORK
WITH THEM TO FIND
THE HELP THEY NEED.
USING A CERTIFIED CHRISTIAN CONCILIATOR™
A Certified Christian Conciliator™ is an individual who is a committed
Christian with the training, gifting, and desire to assist individuals
experiencing conflicts and disputes with others. The individual has earned
the designation ―Certified Christian Conciliator ‖ from the Institute for
Christian Conciliation, a division of Peacemaker Ministries. As
experienced conciliators, they may be able to assist or receive a referral of
the conflict which has become more than you can handle. Certified
Christian Conciliators in your area can be found by visiting the ―Get Help
With a Conflict‖ portion of www.Peacemaker.net.
HOW CAN THE INSTITUTE FOR CHRISTIAN
CONCILIATION HELP YOU?
The Institute for Christian Conciliation (ICC), a division of Peacemaker
Ministries, provides mediation and arbitration services to the Christian
community. For cases beyond the capability of your team, you can refer
the conflict to the ICC. The ICC handles every kind of case, including
contract, employment, family, personal injury, church, landlord/tenant,
real estate, creditor/debtor, and professional conflicts, intellectual
property disputes, will and estate contests, construction, and
organizational or governance disputes between and within ministries and
other organizations. The ICC frequently handles conflicts that require a
high level of confidentiality and expertise due to the sensitivity and
complexity of the issues and the individuals or organizations involved.
To open a case with the Institute for Christian Conciliation serving as case
administrator, contact us through our website at www.Peacemaker.net.
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RECOMMENDED RESPONSES:
1. Refer the matter to a more qualified team member.
2. Find someone (a team member or other trained conciliator) to coconciliate with you.
3. Seek the help of your pastor or other church leader.
4. Refer the matter to a Certified Christian Conciliator TM.
5. Refer the matter to the Institute for Christian Conciliation.
6. Report the information to the appropriate Civil Authorities.
7. Seek the help of an individual with technical expertise.
8. Refer the matter to a counseling ministry.
WHEN TO USE THESE RESPONSES:
RECOMMENDED
RESPONSE
SITUATION
The individuals want you to mediate and you have only had training for
conflict coaching.
You are being asked to help couples with significant marital conflict and
you have not had Reconciling Marital Conflict training.
You believe one of the individuals does not have the mental or emotional
capacity to understand the process.
The issues require that you have special or technical knowledge you do
not have.
The issues in conflict involve sensitive and emotionally charged
allegations of improper conduct.
The individuals believe you have treated them unfairly and are ready to
complain to a church authority about your actions
The individual needs long-term counseling. The individual indicates a
desire to make your meetings on-going, regular sessions.
The individuals want to include their attorneys in all of your meetings.
One of the individuals says he is considering committing a criminal act.
One of the individuals discloses facts that indicate child or senior abuse.
One of the individuals refuses to acknowledge and address sinful action
or attitude (is being an unresponsive sinner).
You are considering a coaching session by yourself with a person of the
opposite gender.
There are significant legal issues being raised.
There are multiple parties with different issues and conflicts between
them.
You are no longer impartial.
You have become part of the conflict.
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2, 4, 5
3, 4, 5
Do not proceed, 3
7, 4, 5
2, 3, 4, 5
3
3, 8
4, 5
6
3, 6
3
1, 2
4, 5
4, 5
1, 4, 5
1, 2, 4, 5
WHAT CAN YOU DO TO AVOID GETTING IN OVER
YOUR HEAD?
Below are some recommendations of things you can do to protect yourself
from getting in over your head:
 Get trained and regularly refresh your knowledge of peacemaking









principles.
Make realistic commitments.
Communicate so clearly that you cannot be misunderstood, so that
the people will not base their expectations on a misunderstanding.
Thoroughly prepare for every meeting.
Resist the temptation to over-commit just to please or appease a
person.
Remember that your primary loyalty is to God, and then to all of
the individuals (impartially).
Keep your commitments if it is within your power to do so.
If it is impossible to keep your promise, be prepared to confess,
seek forgiveness, and accept the consequences (such as lost trust or
expending extra effort to make things right).
Stay up-to-date with your training by:
- Attending the Peacemaker Conference each year, and
- Taking additional recommended training.
Pray hard!
A final way to guard against getting in over your head is to use
evaluations at the end of each conflict for which you have provided
assistance. Not every discussion or conflict coaching experience will be
appropriate for this tool (informal, one-time discussions probably do not
require this), but you will benefit from evaluations of more formal or
repeated sessions. By asking the people you have assisted to comment on
the help you have given, you will learn where you need more training and
where you may be in over your head and need additional assistance. See
Appendix E for a sample evaluation form.
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Core Activity #3:
Promoting Your Team
Chapter 15
How to Promote Your
Peacemaking Team
to Your Church
This chapter explains why visibility in your church is so important for
a peacemaking team. We also explore some areas of church life where
promotion will be key and how you can effectively communicate in
each of these areas.
WHY GET THE WORD OUT?
For many churches, the peacemaking team will not be a familiar concept,
although people will probably have heard some reference to it from the
pastor’s teaching or in the Resolving Everyday Conflict series. You will need
to initially inform, and then keep reminding people of the existence of the
team, and what the team is there to do.
Remember: we all leak! People need constant reminders, especially when
the team is not yet familiar to them.
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HOW TO GET THE WORD OUT
The Most Important Connection…
Many people involved in a conflict will go first to their pastor for help,
which is entirely appropriate. When you think about “promoting” the
ministry, the big question is how people will get from the pastor to the
peacemaking team. Work with your church leaders on this question.
Discuss how you can support them as they encounter members who
could benefit from referral to the peacemaking team. It’s important for
your team to think through the question,
“How are people going to get to us?”
As you promote the ministry more broadly to the church, here are five
avenues to explore:
11.
Pastoral Support
 Pastoral endorsement is a powerful communication tool, and it also
adds the important element of credibility – if your pastor tells
people this is important, they will probably believe him!
 As you have seen, this manual emphasizes the importance of your
relationship with your pastors. We suggest you ask your pastor to
take time to mention this new ministry from the pulpit, to explain
its purpose, to ask people to pray, and to encourage the
congregation to begin using the team’s resources and capabilities.
 This should be ongoing – the pastor may want to give occasional
updates, or (more likely) share an especially powerful testimony of
what God is doing through the team.
“Reconciliation Sunday”
Many churches that embrace a “Culture of Peace” will organize an
annual “Reconciliation Sunday.” At this special Sunday service, biblical
principles of peacemaking are re-taught, and testimonies of
reconciliation are shared.
These can be some of the most tearful, moving, and powerful events
imaginable, as people hear how God has rescued marriages and
families. This event is a great celebration, and it’s the most natural time
to remind people of the presence of your team.
As you start to see fruit from your ministry, talk to your pastor about
arranging this type of celebration.
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22.
Word of Mouth
 Our experience suggests that word of mouth will become your most
important and most powerful promotional tool. As the ministry
begins to operate, people will hear about what God is doing in the
lives of their families and friends.
 Encourage this: Remind people to tell their friends about their
experience with the team, and to point friends in conflict towards
the team.
33.
Brief Other Leaders
 Remember that many other leaders in the church will be seeing
conflict on a regular basis – small group and care group leaders,
youth ministry leaders, men’s and women’s ministry leaders,
mission team leaders. All of these people regularly watch conflict
swirl around them. Take these leaders out for breakfast or coffee –
remind them of the hope of the gospel in peacemaking and that the
team is there to serve them.
 Over time they will begin to refer situations to you, and they will
usually be very grateful you are there as a resource to them.
44.
Use Your Teaching Opportunities
Throughout the year, the team will be teaching peacemaking in
various settings – small groups, new members classes (see Chapter
8, ―Teaching Peacemaking Principles in Your Church‖). Remember
to use these occasions to remind people about the existence and
capability of the team.
55.
Traditional Marketing (the dreaded fridge magnets) 
 There is absolutely a place for traditional communication tools –
place updates in your church bulletins informing people of new
team members, events, testimonies, and peacemaking ―tidbits.‖ If
your budget allows, create flyers and fridge magnets. Really – this
is all about your creativity and what typically works in your
church.
 Remember that people aren’t always familiar with peacemaking. Be
sure to clearly describe what you do, and be careful with terms that
will be familiar to you but foreign to others, like ―mediation‖ or
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―coaching.‖ Explain these things carefully, using terms that your
church friends will understand.
 By the way, make it easy for people to find you by providing your
contact information (names, phone numbers and/or emails) on all
of your communications.
A WORD OF CAUTION…
For many people, the existence of the team will be very good news – all
sorts of people will be experiencing conflicts and eager to seek your help.
Remember that your capability will grow with time – as you get
experience and especially training, you will be able to deal with more and
more complex cases (see Chapter 14, ―How to Know When You’re In Over
Your Head‖).
In the meantime, be careful not to communicate a capability beyond your
level of current experience and training. For example, mediating a conflict
situation is a complex process, and you may want to avoid mediation until
you’ve taken that level of training. What’s a good way to communicate
this? See the box below for some ideas:
Wondering what to say when your team is just starting?
try…
“Team Under Construction”
Here’s a recommendation – several teams told us that the best early
communication (maybe in your church bulletin) is the “team under
construction” message:
“We’re getting started.”
“Here’s what we can do right now.” (This probably
includes teaching and coaching, but not mediation.)
“We’re getting trained.”
“Please pray for us.”
This will build excitement and momentum, but at the same time deflect
a major, complex conflict that you may not be ready for when you’re
just getting started.
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AND, FINALLY, REMEMBER…
As with everything, God provides the growth. Do your best to
communicate effectively and clearly, but remember to pray that God will
bring you into the situations where He wants you to minister.
That is your main prayer…it’s his ministry, so let him own it and all it
does.
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Section 3:
Running
Your
Ministry
16. How Peacemaker® Ministries Will Support
Your Team
17. How to Network with Other Church
Teams and Local Certified Christian
ConciliatorsTM
18. Managing and Leading Your Team
19. Common Mistakes Peacemaking
Teams Make
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Chapter 16
How Peacemaker
Ministries Will
Support Your Team
Peacemaker Ministries is committed to providing the essential
support that peacemaking teams need. What will that look like and
how will it work?
WHY DO THE TEAMS NEED SUPPORT?
Pastors have given us very clear feedback that while they endorse
peacemaking teams, some need help to provide the support and training
that these teams need, especially when that support is technical in nature.
Peacemaking teams need several regular inputs – everything from
ongoing skills development to best practices in running a ministry team.
In addition, encouragement and re-envisioning will always be important.
Peacemaker Ministries exists to provide that support, and it’s our honor to
do so - we are co-laboring with you.
WHAT WILL PEACEMAKER MINISTRIES SUPPORT
LOOK LIKE?
The support you get from Peacemaker Ministries is constantly evolving,
as we discover the most valuable content that teams want, and the best
way of getting it to you.
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Web and email will certainly be important, as will paper-based resources.
As of this writing, you can assume some blend of the following:






Peacemaking team e-news
Broadcast teleconferences
Information on upcoming training events
Dedicated web location with threaded discussions
―News from the front‖ – cool tips from other peacemaking teams
Continuing education – refreshers or new insights on teaching,
coaching, mediation, etc.
 Encouraging testimonies of great team stories
Please keep telling us what you need and how we can provide it more
effectively!
HOW DO I GET THIS SUPPORT?
It couldn’t be easier! As you saw in Chapter 6, ―How to Register Your
Team,‖ as soon as you register your team and give us your team
members’ contact information, you will begin receiving the support
resources.
Remember to update us with team member names and contact details as
your team evolves and grows.
Remember – Register your team to begin receiving support.
IS THERE ANY COST?
All the support resources are free for one year, beginning when you
register.
After one year, if your team has found value in the support, we hope
you’ll consider the truly ―optional’ team support fee of $49, $99, or $149
(depending on church size).
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And…the Main Event: get your support at the
Peacemaker Conference.
As many peacemakers are aware, the highlight of our year is the
Peacemaker Conference. Held in the fall, the conference brings
together hundreds of people (pastors, elders, church members
and gifted teachers) for three days of fellowship, worship, and
teaching.
This is a critical event for peacemaking teams – there are several
teaching tracks that focus specifically on team-related issues like
setting up a team and running a team, as well as all the relevant
training that you will need to grow in your peacemaking skills.
We strongly encourage you to come to the conference
with ALL of your team (if possible).
You will be inspired and equipped.
You can find details about the conference at
www.PeacemakerConference.net.
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Chapter 17
How to Network
with Other Church Teams and
Local Certified Christian Conciliators
Over time, there will be more and more peacemaking teams and
Certified Christian Conciliators in your geographical area or
denomination. This is how (and why) you should connect with them.
As we discussed in Chapter 16, ―How Peacemaker Ministries Will Support
Your Team,‖ there are several reasons peacemaking teams will benefit
from external support resources. In addition to the support available from
Peacemaker Ministries, there are two other valuable sources of support:
 Other Peacemaking Teams in Your "Local Network"
 Local Experts: Certified Christian Conciliators
OTHER PEACEMAKING TEAMS IN YOUR “LOCAL
NETWORK”
As more and more churches embrace the Peacemaking Church
discipleship strategy, peacemaking teams will appear in your area and/or
denomination. You will recall that as teams register, they are listed on our
website, and that is where you can go and look for teams with whom you
might wish to connect.
Visit the private Team-Only Area of
www.Peacemaker.net/Team to find other teams near you.
It’s not practical for Peacemaker Ministries – centrally – to help churches
get together and form local networks, but we strongly encourage you to
do it! Get in touch with teams from other churches so you can share ideas,
discuss difficult situations and arrange training events.
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Hub Churches. In many areas we are aware of larger churches that are
willing to act as mentors and supporters of teams in smaller local
churches. We call these larger churches ―hub‖ churches and we will use
our regular communications to let you know when a hub church may be
in your area. We also expect that hub churches will eventually be listed on
our website.
WORKING WITH OTHER CHURCH TEAMS
Experience suggests that different teams will have different strengths –
you may have developed a real expertise in difficult marriage cases, while
a church across town is strong on property or business disputes (or maybe
they have a woman with a certain expertise, where your team has a man).
It is good to know your local teams’ strengths – you may begin ―triaging‖
difficult conflicts, or you may begin sharing some team
members between different church teams if the conflict
GET TO KNOW THE
merits it. In these cases, be sure to keep your pastor(s)
STRENGTHS OF OTHER
informed.
TEAMS IN YOUR AREA –
As we have seen many times, when peacemakers from
different churches work together, this can be a
wonderful way of building stronger bonds of unity
between local churches. We know of several
geographies where such networks have formed, and
they usually work well.
THEY MAY HAVE JUST
THE EXPERTISE YOU
NEED WHEN A
COMPLEX CONFLICT
ARISES.
So… go to the web and look for local teams who you can network with –
visit the private Team-Only Area of www.Peacemaker.net/Team.
LOCAL EXPERTS: CERTIFIED CHRISTIAN
CONCILIATORS
As you have already read, Peacemaker Ministries’ training extends up to a
very high level that we call ―Certified Christian Conciliators.‖ In fact
many peacemaking teams, like yours, have members who are inspired to
pursue this level of training, and more people are entering the program all
the time. (For information on this level of training see Chapter 13, ―Get
Trained!‖)
Certified Christian Conciliators are located in many areas around the
country. They aren’t everywhere yet, although their number is growing all
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the time. In some regions, groups of Certified Christian Conciliators have
formed into local expert networks.
It would be beneficial for you and your team to connect with these
Certified Conciliators for several reasons:
 Certified Christian Conciliators represent a natural ―escalation
path‖ for very complex or legally difficult situations, and these
people are better trained to deal with these issues. (Many of these
conciliators are practicing attorneys.)
 They may be able to provide refresher training, skills training, or
even mentoring for local church-based teams.
 Certified Christian Conciliators stand ready to answer tough
questions for difficult conflict situations, even if that case isn’t
going to be escalated to them.
Every Certified Christian Conciliator in our network is both
aware of peacemaking teams and committed to supporting
them. They may provide some training and mentoring, and
they can assist you with the most difficult conflict situations
that you see.
Seek them out!
How do you find them? The same way you will find other local teams:
Certified Christian Conciliators and their contact information are listed in
the private Team-Only Area of www.Peacemaker.net/Team.
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Chapter 18
Managing and Leading
Your Team
Congratulations! You have started a peacemaking team and are
embarking on a wonderful journey. In the ebb and flow of the team’s
life, it will be important to provide consistent encouragement,
feedback, and training. This chapter will guide you in answering the
question, “How will our team members continue to grow and learn as
ambassadors of the gospel of peace?”
Expect the unexpected. Your team members will be continually
surprised and challenged. Remind each other that God’s
capacity to redeem relationships has no limits. The gospel offers
hope in even the most difficult circumstances!
PRAY CONTINUALLY…
Pray (and pray some more) that God will shape the
hearts of your team members into the likeness of his
Son, build and strengthen his church through your
efforts, and guard your reputation and the reputation
of his church. Remember that God loves you and
keeps his promises!
BUILD RELATIONSHIPS WITH YOUR
CHURCH LEADERS
“BE JOYFUL ALWAYS;
PRAY CONTINUALLY;
GIVE THANKS IN ALL
CIRCUMSTANCES, FOR
THIS IS GOD’S WILL
FOR YOU IN CHRIST
JESUS.”
1THESSALONIANS
5:16-17
Remember — the peacemaking team serves and supports your pastor and
church leaders. You cannot minister apart from them. Pray for your
leaders and ask them to pray for you. Encourage them with regular
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reports (subject to confidentiality) and provide ongoing opportunities for
them to be involved with the team (see Chapter 7, ―How to Serve and
Work With Your Church Leaders‖).
REGULAR MEETINGS
At the beginning, your team may find it helpful
to meet often. Be flexible!
Most teams consider it important to meet at least monthly for mutual
support and encouragement, to pray, learn and train together, to share
difficult coaching challenges, and to plan for future activities. Your
regular and well-planned time together is an essential part of building
your team. Here are some helpful suggestions:
 Length. Plan team meetings for no more than two hours and keep






to that schedule.
Pray. Spend time praying for those whom you counsel, and for
each other. Encourage each other with God’s rich promises.
Report. Share and discuss how to respond to challenging issues
from your coaching experience. Carefully guard the identity and
reputation of those whom you are coaching (see Chapter 10, ―Your
Responsibilities When Helping People in Conflict‖).
Evaluate. Assess each other’s coaching and mediation performance,
with a view to growth and encouragement.
Plan. Review the team’s teaching and coaching opportunities and
team member assignments.
Learn. The team should either work through case studies provided
by Peacemaker Ministries or draw from individual or team experiences.
Sample agenda:






Opening prayer
Report on coaching experiences
Pray again (for your team and those you coach)
Plan for teaching and coaching
Agree on assignments
Learn together
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30 minutes
15 minutes
30 minutes
15 minutes
30 minutes
BUILD YOUR TEAM
From the beginning, plan how to establish a team that will grow with
your church and continue after your original team leaders are no longer
involved. What does this look like?
 Recruit. Keep looking for people in your church who would fit well
as members of the team. Invite them to a meeting. When the team
feels it is appropriate, invite candidates to consider joining the
peacemaking team. You will have a stronger team if you actively
recruit gifted people, rather than waiting for volunteers.
 Mentor. Look for team members with leadership skills and give
them opportunities to lead coaching teams, team meetings, and
training sessions, and provide feedback to them.
 Train. Encourage every member of your team to read the Peacemaker Ministries team updates and to participate in training for
conflict coaching and mediation.
 Replace. From the outset, plan to replace team members. It is
natural for your team to lose members over time for a variety of
reasons. That’s normal! Build the replacement process into your
team plan.
A VISION FOR THE FUTURE…
What could the future hold? As your team grows in grace, skill and
experience, and as a culture of peace grows in your church…
 People outside your church will see God’s peace in your
members.
 People outside your church will come to learn for themselves.
 Other churches will seek your help to build a culture of peace.
Dream Big!
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Chapter 19
Common Mistakes
Peacemaking Teams
Make
This chapter is designed to introduce you to the common mistakes that
peacemaking teams make. We hope that by giving you a “heads up”
about these mistakes, you will be able to take measures to avoid them.
We also encourage you to consider using these mistakes as case
studies to discuss with your team, learning from each other and
planning how you will respond if you make a similar mistake.
ORGANIZATIONAL MISTAKES
 Having too few people on the peacemaking team to sustain a viable
ministry.
 Failing to build a strong relationship between the peacemaking
team and the church leadership.
 Failing to define and manage boundaries between ministries, such
as the peacemaking team and the counseling ministry. This could
lead to the perception that the peacemaking team is in competition
with the other areas of ministry.
 Not developing a strong teaching ministry within the church.
MARKETING AND COMMUNICATION MISTAKES
 Failing to communicate to the congregation the team’s availability
and capability.
 Portraying the peacemaking team solely as crisis solvers, instead of
promoting peacemaking as a gospel-centered way of life.
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 Not modeling what you teach – your actions will speak more
loudly than your words!
 Not being prepared to follow through with what you have
promised in terms of teaching or assistance with a conflict.
 Not setting clear expectations about what you’re capable of doing.
 Communicating your peacemaking efforts in a way that
undermines the pastor or implies that there is something wrong
with him – you’re there to support the leaders, not to oppose them!
ADMINISTRATIVE MISTAKES
 Not sufficiently explaining your process to the people you’re




serving.
Not getting back to people or referring them to someone else in a
timely manner; dragging things out to where people lose
confidence in your capabilities.
Making people jump through a bunch of hoops before they can get
meaningful assistance. Some screening mechanism will be
necessary and good, but make sure that it’s working for people and
that it’s not too burdensome.
Failing to keep adequate records – this can lead to a host of
problems later on.
Assuming that every conflict will turn out well, or leading the
parties to believe that every conflict turns out well.
CONFLICT COACH AND MEDIATOR MISTAKES
 ―Fixing people‖ – playing God, rather than trusting that the Holy





Spirit will change hearts in God’s timing. (Be careful – this is a
common temptation and a disastrous mistake!)
Trying to force somebody – by guilt or by coercion - into conflict
coaching or mediation.
Mediating alone. Working with teammates sharpens both of you
and gives you extra ears and eyes.
Being consumed with a passion for peacemaking, rather than
letting it be an expression of the gospel’s impact in your whole life.
Making assumptions about the motivations (heart idols) or desires
of the people in conflict.
Spending too much time with one party of a mediation, to the
neglect of the other side. This could create the perception that you
are biased…or you really could be biased!
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 Letting your own areas of temptation or weakness spill, causing






you to lose objectivity.
Failing to disclose a potential conflict of interest, or becoming a part
of the conflict in other ways.
Not scheduling enough time for coaching or mediation, either
because you want to rush through the process, or because the
party/parties don’t want to commit much time.
Not taking into account the emotional toll (anxiety, anger, fear) that
the conflict is having on people. They might have a heightened
sensitivity to details that may seem insignificant to you (e.g. the
pace of the process or how you phrase a question).
Inappropriately or negatively talking about another party.
Failing to communicate effectively to the person that you truly care
for them (as long as they know you care, they’ll probably stick with
you; if they think you don’t care, you can’t do anything right).
Being unwilling to admit your mistakes to God, to your teammates,
and to others whom your mistake has affected.
IN CONCLUSION…
What a long list – and it’s not anywhere near complete!
Peacemaking is a journey: you’re not going to arrive at your destination
instantly. You WILL make mistakes…but as a peacemaker, remember –
and remind one another – that these mistakes provide opportunities to
glorify God, to serve others, and to grow to be like Christ. In fact, you will
probably change and grow through this ministry more than anybody else.
God has called you to this not only to serve others, but also to change you.
May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and
through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept
blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.
The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it.
1 Thessalonians 5:23-24
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Appendix A
Sample Ministry Plan
PEACEMAKING MINISTRY TEAM
A PROPOSAL TO THE [ELDERS, CHURCH LEADERS, PASTORS]
(Name of Church)
(Date)
Peacemaking Team:
(Insert names of initial team members)
______________________________
Please feel free to modify this model plan to fit the culture, structure, and style of
your church. This is a just a tool that will help you ask the right questions and
communicate the right information to your church leaders. Make it work for you and
your church! You can download an electronic copy from the
PRIVATE Team-Only Area of www.Peacemaker.net/team.
Why a peacemaking ministry for our church?
The best way to answer that question is through six Because’s:
1. Because of the gospel. Unless God had chosen to make peace with
us through the blood of his Son, there would be no peace with
others…but because of the blood of his Son, we now can have peace
with one another. The presence of a peacemaking team will help
our church live out that amazing truth, constantly pointing others
to the hope of the gospel.
2. Because there’s always conflict present in the church, and people
need help with it. Ever since the earliest days of the church,
conflict has been a constant. As Paul points out in Philippians 4:2-3,
even the godliest people can find themselves in a conflict that they
need help to work through. Paul didn’t tell his friends to ―just work
it out;‖ he asked another dear friend in the church to help them
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work it out. The team will do the same – help our brothers and
sisters when they need help.
3. Because people LEAK. Isn’t teaching peacemaking enough? No!
While teaching is an essential step in changing a church’s culture,
we all know that it doesn’t take long for that knowledge to leak out
and fade away. People forget what they’ve heard; and new
members come who haven’t heard it at all. The peacemaking team
will provide ongoing teaching about biblical peacemaking.
4. Because God seeks to transform lives. It’s important to refresh
teaching that has ―leaked out,‖ but there’s something even more
important at stake. Peacemaking isn’t just about knowing a bunch
of tools and skills, it’s a transformed way of life – people truly
living out the gospel in their daily relationships. The wider role of
the peacemaking team is to help people be transformed by the
reconciling power of Jesus Christ’s death and resurrection.
5. Because God calls his children to serve their leaders and to
advance their vision to build his church. Isn’t peacemaking the
pastor’s job? No. As we see in Acts 6:1-7, in order for pastors to
devote themselves to teaching and shepherding, other ministry
responsibilities need to be shared among qualified and capable
believers. Every member of the body must play a role in order for
the church to grow and be fully effective in ministry.
A peacemaking team will contribute powerfully to our church’s
mission, vision, and core values by promoting healthy
relationships, spreading the gospel, and boosting community
witness and church growth through the irresistible power of
transformed lives.
6. Because someone needs to “Guard the Flame.” While God
certainly calls pastors to model peacemaking with their lives and to
support it from the pulpit, it’s not reasonable to expect them to stay
current with all the skills, tools, and ―best practices‖ needed to run
an effective reconciliation ministry. It is the role of the team to
become the peacemaking ―center of excellence‖ and, as Peacemaker
Ministries centrally supports church-based ministries, the team is
the natural home for that support.
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What will the ministry look like?
Our peacemaking ministry team, called ________________, will address the issues listed
above. Our primary purpose will be to continue teaching and helping people in our
church respond to conflicts through biblically faithful coaching and mediation.
A coach is someone who helps a person decide how to respond to a conflict in a
biblically faithful manner.
A mediator is someone who meets with two or more people in conflict to help them
improve their communication and reach an agreement.
Biblically faithful coaching and mediation focuses on each person’s heart —underlying
attitudes, motives, or actions that may be inconsistent with God’s purposes. Our goal is
not to preach, but rather to encourage Christians to obey God’s commands and to
behave in a manner that will please and honor him.
What distinguishes biblical from non-biblical ways of resolving conflict?
Motivation – to please and honor God
Authority – Scripture establishes transcendent moral principles
Power – the Holy Spirit accomplishes the impossible: changes people’s hearts
Depth – goes beyond surface issues to resolve root issues or “matters of the heart”
Focus – requires parties to deal with their own responsibilities before focusing on others
Offering correction – when necessary, uses directive biblical counseling to help people change
ungodly attitudes and behavior
Restoration – actively promotes true reconciliation through repentance, confession, and
forgiveness
How will we maintain quality?
As a ministry of the church it’s vital that the Peacemaking Team operate in a way that
builds the reputation of the church and is consistently faithful to Scripture. For these
reasons the team will be accountable to our church leaders and will receive ongoing
training and resources through Peacemaker® Ministries.
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How will the peacemaking ministry be administered?
The ministry must be accountable, flexible, and efficient. It must be clearly and directly
accountable to our church leaders. The ministry team must be flexible in order to be
available to people in conflict, and it must be efficient in order to allow the team
members to focus on the ministry itself. The peacemaking team will be here to serve
the church leaders as they minister to the church body.
The following people will oversee the program:
Pastor ____________ will provide a direct connection between the church and the Team
Leader. The team will be accountable to the pastor.
Team Leader. The team leader will be the ministry director, go-to person, chief
spokesperson, and report directly to Pastor ______________.
Team Members. The team members will teach and reinforce peacemaking principles,
coach, and may mediate when appropriate.
Who will the team serve?
The peacemaking team will serve church attenders who voluntarily come for biblical
advice (what we call ―coaching‖) to resolve a conflict. We will not coach or mediate
with people who do not attend our church until our church leadership determines we
are sufficiently trained and experienced. The church leadership may also refer church
attenders to members of the team.
The team will seek to involve church leaders whenever it would be appropriate for
coaching or mediation. It is a strong value for the team members and people in conflict
to be resolving their conflict under the authority of the church leadership. If someone
from another church is involved, the team will also seek to include a leader from that
person’s church.
How will the team be trained?
Every team member is committed to participate in ongoing training. Every team
member has received the basic peacemaker training through the Peacemaker Ministries
Resolving Everyday Conflict video training. They will together go through a special selftraining on coaching and will also participate in a three-day live coaching and
mediation-training event within one year.
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Peacemaker Ministries is committed to supporting us through some blend of the
following:
Peacemaking team e-news
Information on upcoming training events
Dedicated web location with threaded discussion
―News from the front‖ – cool tips from other peacemaking teams
Continuing education – refreshers or new insights on teaching, coaching,
mediation, etc.
Encouraging testimonies of great team stories
Peacemaker Ministries wants to hear from our team so they can tailor their support to
our needs.
The cost of our self-training and our first year’s ongoing support from Peacemaker
Ministries is already paid for. We will need to pay for the live coaching and mediation
training. After the first year there is an annual fee to cover the peacemaking team
support costs. Our team will also receive a ―Sign up four and the fifth person is free‖
discount when registering for the annual Peacemaker Conference.
How will our church building and staff be impacted?
The peacemaking team will rely on some resources from our church. At the beginning
the impact will be very small. We may use the church building for our meetings and
will meet at the church for coaching from time to time.
What if the conflict involves church discipline?
The peacemaking team's coaching and mediation may from time to time interact with
the church discipline process. Conflict that leads to a person’s involvement with the
ministry team may also be a source of church discipline. Coaching or mediation will
never be a means of escaping church discipline, but instead can be a means of
voluntarily resolving the core issues that first led to the need for church discipline. The
peacemaking team will always act under the authority of the church leaders and will be
careful to support any disciplinary process.
Does peacemaking create greater legal liability?
Does our church face a higher risk of legal liability by providing coaching and
mediation? The answer is no. Because coaching and mediation are voluntary activities,
courts have consistently supported and protected the process. After twenty-five years,
Peacemaker Ministries is not aware of single church that has been sued for supporting
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biblical coaching and mediation. Because peacemaking is a ministry of the church, our
standard liability policy should cover the peacemaking team ministry activities (we will
check with our church insurer).
The best protection against liability is for the ministry team to consistently follow
procedures that reinforce and memorialize the voluntary nature of the process. Any
ministry has some inherent risk. Although the peacemaking team’s activities are
designed to protect the church as much as possible, we believe that the benefits of
peacemaking far outweigh any potential liability.
Proposed Implementation Schedule
Peacemaker Ministries provides a convenient checklist to set up a peacemaking team
ministry. Based on that checklist, we propose the following schedule:
Activity
Complete by this date
1st Phase
Assess the church leadership structure and process for
setting up a ministry
Identify potential ministry team members
Meet with Pastor or other church leaders
Invite potential ministry team members to introductory
meeting
2nd Phase
Prepare peacemaking team ministry plan
Confirm initial ministry team members
Register team and team members with Peacemaker
Ministries
Sign up each team member for live Peacemaker Ministries
training
3rd Phase
Present ministry plan to church leaders
Begin ministry promotion
Schedule teaching opportunities
Peacemaking team members complete initial coaching training
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Begin informal coaching
What does the future hold?
There are many potential avenues to promote peace within the church. We hope to
continue building our teaching ministry, and to find new and creative ways to
encourage biblical peacemaking as a culture in our church. It is likely that the team will
help mediate conflicts as we gain further training and experience. However, we believe
there is wisdom in small beginnings; we plan only to concentrate on coaching for now.
Becoming peacemakers is learning Christ-likeness. As each member of church matures
to reflect God’s love for one another, relationships will be more productive. We foresee
stronger, healthier families that understand how to forgive and how to communicate.
And as we follow the command to be peacemakers, it will strengthen our Christian
witness in the community.
Respectfully submitted,
The Peacemaking Ministry Team
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Appendix B
Sample Confidentiality Form
Conflict Coaching Confidentiality Agreement
Thank you for your interest in Conflict Coaching. Our goal is to help people resolve conflicts in a cooperative rather than an adversarial manner. Our coaching is based on biblical principles that promote
understanding, personal responsibility, justice, and reconciliation. We will consider accepting any case
regardless of the religious convictions of the parties, provided they are willing to respect the Christian
principles underlying the conflict coaching.
Description of Services. We provide conflict coaching and written resources to help individuals explore
ways to resolve disputes personally and privately.
Biblical Basis -- We believe that the Bible provides thorough guidance and instruction for faith and life.
Therefore, we base our services on scriptural principles rather than those of secular psychology or psychiatry.
Not Legal Representation – Conflict coaching may be used to help resolve legal disputes. Even so, we do
not provide people with the kind of legal advice and advocacy they would obtain if they hired a personal
attorney. Instead of representing one person against another, we work with and for all the people in a
dispute to help them find a mutually satisfactory agreement. This limitation applies to all of our team
members, including those who happen to be attorneys. Therefore, if you are concerned about your legal
rights, you should consult with an independent attorney who would be willing to accompany and advise
you during the conciliation process.
Our Commitment to Confidentiality -- Confidentiality is an important aspect of the conflict coaching
process, and we will carefully guard the information you entrust to us. To ensure that you are receiving
consistent counsel and support, however, we need to be able to discuss your situation with your attorney,
if you have one, and with appropriate leaders of your church, if you belong to or attend one.
Furthermore, we may need to divulge information to appropriate civil authorities if there is a clear
indication that someone might otherwise be harmed.
Your Commitment to Confidentiality -- You too must agree not to discuss our communications with
people who do not have a necessary interest in the conciliation process. Furthermore, you must agree
that you will not try to force any conflict coach to divulge any information acquired during conflict
coaching or to testify in any legal proceeding related to your dispute.
If you have any questions about these terms, please talk with our peacemaking team. If these terms are
acceptable to you, please sign below.
Signed
Date
Signed ______________________________
Date ________________________
Peacemaking Team Representative/Conflict Coach
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Appendix C
Sample Record-Keeping Form
Conflict Coaching Log
Name of Person
Name of
Conflict
Coach(es)
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Date of
meeting
Length of
Meeting
Appendix D
Sample Intake Form
Conflict Coaching Intake Form
Name of Person Requesting Conflict Coaching:______________________________
Address: _______________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________
Phone: _________________________________________________________________
E-mail address: _________________________________________________________
1. What is/are the issue(s) or conflict for which the party is asking
assistance?
2.
Who is/are the other person(s) involved in this conflict?
3. How have the parties responded to the conflict?
4. What attempts have been made to resolve the dispute thus far?
5. What is the person hoping that the Peacemaking Team can do for them?
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Appendix E
Sample Evaluation Form
Thank you for allowing the Peacemaking Team to assist you. We are
constantly trying to improve and would therefore appreciate your candid
responses to the following questions.
Your name _______________________________ Date __________________
Peacemaking Team member's name _________________________________
Evaluation of Team member
1. On a scale of one to five, please rate the Team member on the
following qualifications. If you are unable to form an opinion on a
particular question, please leave the answer blank.
Deficient
1
2
Outstanding
3
4
5
____ Listened to and seemed to understand my concerns
____ Was tactful
____ Displayed insight into the causes of the conflict
____ Was willing to offer correction firmly when necessary
____ Used Scripture to guide and encourage me
____ Seemed committed to getting all of the facts
____ Refrained from favoritism toward either party
____ Promoted just and fair solutions
____ Made sure that all problems and concerns were addressed
____ Encouraged reconciliation in appropriate ways
2. In what ways was the assistance particularly helpful?
3. How could the assistance have been more helpful?
4. Would you recommend this assistance to others?  Yes
 Perhaps  No (Please explain)
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Appendix F
Learning to Coach from Observation
Worksheet: Suggested Answers
(For use with the ―Conflict Coaching Role Plays‖ and ―Learning to Coach
from Observation‖ worksheet in Chapter 11.)
Demonstration One: How to Use the Peacemaking Principles
1. The conflict coach, while introducing the concepts found on the
Peacemaking Principles pamphlet, gradually shifted from explaining
the principles to asking questions about those same principles. Why do
you think the conflict coach did this? What benefit might this provide?
Most people learn to apply concepts when they are able to arrive at the
answers through their own analysis and thought process, rather than being
directly told the answers. Asking questions, which allows the individual to
consider the principle, facilitates their ability to think about how they might
apply those principles to themselves. The person is also more likely to “own”
the teaching and apply it to his or her current situation.
2. Giving illustrations, in addition to explaining a concept, is often more
effective in helping others fully understand the concept. How did the
coach illustrate, rather than merely explain, the peacemaking
principles found on the pamphlet? How are the purposes of illustration
different from the purposes of explanation?
The coach gave examples of the peacemaking principles through word
pictures, reframing John’s actions and statements (describing them using
different words or even from a different perspective), and telling short stories
about others' experiences. Using a variety of ways to describe a principle
(explanation plus illustration) helps people more fully understand, remember
and apply these principles to their own situations. It’s often more difficult for
people to see immediate application from an explanation than it is from an
illustration; explanations could also be more easily misunderstood because
people haven’t been shown what the concept looks like when lived out in an
actual situation.
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3. How did the coach connect the different concepts found on the
Peacemaking Principles pamphlet? How did the coach transition from
one concept to the other?
Through asking questions that lead into new concepts that have not yet been
addressed, the coach is able to introduce the individual to another relevant
peacemaking principle. In addition, when John asked a question or made a
statement that invited the introduction of a new peacemaking principle, the
coach built on John’s question or statement. Each time, by questions and/or
direct application, the coach connects one principle to the next.
Demonstration Two: How to Ask X-Ray Questions
1. From your notes, identify a few of the X-ray questions asked in the
role- play. How long was each of the questions? How might the length
of a question impact the conflict coaching process?
X-ray questions included: “ So, assuming she wasn’t interested in your
opinion, what does that communicate to you?” “How did you feel when that
was happening?” “What kinds of things are you thinking before you pull
away?”
Each question is short and allows for an open-ended response. Long questions
often suggest the answer, or are hard to follow. Suggesting an answer
prevents the listener from working through the issue him or herself. Long
questions also allow a person to avoid the difficult parts of the question, thus
reducing the effectiveness of the question.
2. In asking X-ray questions, what ―tool‖ is most important for helping
people identify the idols of their hearts? (Hint: what did the conflict
coach do after each question was asked?)
He paused and allowed for enough silence to permit the listener to think about
the questions and formulate an answer.
3. The conflict coach asked the person the same question more than once,
changing the question slightly each time. Why do you think this
technique was used and what benefit might it provide?
Sometimes a question may not be as clear to the listener as it seemed to the
coach. Rephrasing the question ensures that the listener understood the
question and is thinking about the answer. In addition, many people do not
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really answer the question the first time it is asked. Gentle “re-questioning”
helps others to gradually turn their full attention to the issue at hand. As
listeners re-think their answers at a deeper level, they are more able to apply
what they have learned to their own situations. Staying focused on one
question, rather than rushing on to the next issue, helps individuals engage at
the deepest level of their assumptions and beliefs.
Demonstration Three: Using Scripture
1. When Scripture was used, who read the passage? How might this
impact the process of conflict coaching?
The individual read the Scripture, not the coach. When individuals read
Scripture themselves, they hear the Word speaking directly to them. When the
coach reads the scripture, often the words seem like those of the coach, not the
Bible, and the listener is more prone to dismiss the truths in the Word of God.
Having the individual read the Scripture passages also helps the coach avoid
lecturing or haranguing the listener with the Bible.
2. How did the conflict coach help the person engage with the message in
the Scripture passage? Identify at least three techniques used by the
coach.
o Asking the individual what the Scripture means to him.
o Asking the individual to relate his own statements to the Scripture.
o Asking the individual to write a letter to God about what he learned.
3. How did the conflict coach make the use of Scripture invitational and
safe so that the person did not feel that he was being ―clubbed with a
Bible‖?
The coach asked the person to read a passage, and then asked open-ended
questions about what he thought or heard, giving ownership of the application
to the person being coached. Rather than correcting the person if he missed the
message, the coach encouraged deeper reflection and application. For the
coach’s part, simply re-reading the Scripture often helps to deepen the impact
and avoids the need to tell others what the Scripture means or how it should
be applied to the situation.
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Appendix G
Biblical Foundations for Your
Peacemaking Team: Teaching
Outline and Discussion Questions
For use with the audio “Biblical Foundations for Your Peacemaking Team.”
INTRODUCTION – VIEWS OF A PEACEMAKER
PART 1
I. How should we view God?
(Use the space below to take notes on the message.)
Pause the audio now and discuss the following questions:
1. Is it true that you can’t commend something that you do not cherish?
Can you think of a positive example of someone who lives at peace with
God and others?
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2. How can a desire to ―make things right‖ lead us to forget the most
basic truths of our faith? How should my view of God affect my approach
to peacemaking?
3. How can we ensure that our team does not ―leave the gospel at the
door‖ in our own relationships and when we are involved in assisting
others in conflict resolution?
Now resume the audio for Part 2…
PART 2
II. How should we view ourselves?
(Use the space below to take notes on the message.)
III. How should we view one another?
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Pause the audio now and discuss the following questions:
1. What are some common obstacles to community in our modern
culture? In our church?
2. In what ways are you tempted to have a distorted view of God, self and
others? Which of the foundational truths is most challenging for you to
believe?
3. Read Colossians 3:12-17, Romans 12:1-21, and Romans 13:8-10 as a
group. Take time to discuss God’s call to personal ministry and pray for
the relationships on your team.
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Appendix H
S ample Promotional Materials
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Additional sample promotional materials are available in the
Private Team-Only Area of www.Peacemaker.net/Team.
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