Chapter 6
THE EX FILES: COMMUNICATING 101
“The single biggest problem in communication
is the illusion that it has taken place.”
—George Bernard Shaw
Y
ou’re now at odds with a person who knows exactly what buttons to
push to see your anger soar from zero to ten. He knows that it makes
you anxious when he’s late. He knows how much it upsets you when he
sends the kids to school with their hair in knots, looking like ragamuffins. He
knows your Achilles’ heel is your children’s safety, and that Thanksgiving is
your favorite holiday. He also likely knows exactly what you want out of this
divorce, whether it’s financial support so you can continue to work part-time,
like Jamie, or that you want to keep the house, like Renée.
Of course, you have the same insider’s advantage when it comes to getting
under his skin. Add to this the fact that it’s no easy feat to keep your cool when
you’re inside the emotional pressure cooker of negotiating a divorce settlement
and you have, to put it mildly, a challenging dynamic. If there are children
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in the picture, you’re also navigating highly charged custody decisions. These
incendiary conditions can make even the most benign exchange quickly escalate into verbal fisticuffs worthy of Jerry Springer.
On those days when you’re so fed up with your ex you could scream, it
can help to remind yourself that you once loved him and, of course, he’s not
all bad. You will feel better at the end of each day if you set a goal for your
interactions with him, such as to behave in a way that’s civil and kind. This
is especially critical if you have kids, because you’re going to be in contact
with him for many years to come. Iris calculated the exact number of years,
months, and days until her youngest turned eighteen and fantasized about
never receiving another email from Flint again. She was the biggest proponent
of our sanity-saving communication strategies that have been time-tested and
divorcée-approved. We’re not saying these are easy to put into play, but we
know they’re worth trying; they worked for us.
INTERCOURSE (THE OTHER KIND)
Time and time again, we thought we were getting a point across to our ex only
to discover later that an entirely different message was received. Through trial
and error, we, along with our circle of friends, discovered tips that helped us
communicate more effectively. For us, the foundation for smoother communication with our exes was deciding that letting some things go and safeguarding
our serenity was usually a better choice than blaming him, being defensive, or
“winning” an argument.
LESSON 1: Speak from the “I.”
Ironically, it wasn’t until Pilar and Justin separated that they
decided to focus on improving how they communicated with each
other. Pilar’s biggest shifts were to speak from the “I” and to avoid
using extreme words like always and never. Pilar knew she had a
tendency to overdramatize things and blame her often-preoccupied husband
when anything went wrong. “You never help plan the boys’ birthday parties,”
she would say. Justin had pointed out that blaming him all the time for so
many things made him feel like Pilar was trying to start fights instead of solve
their problems. He suggested that Pilar try asking him for what she wanted
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rather than find fault with him. “Why not say, ‘I’d appreciate some help planning Matias’s birthday party’?” Justin suggested.
The next time Pilar felt like snipping, “You always bring the kids late!” she
recast that critical statement. Instead she heard herself saying, “I would prefer
that you let me know when you’re going to be late with the kids—that way I
can try to find ways to adjust our evening schedule.” This got Pilar much better results because Justin didn’t feel attacked and was able to take in her message. “Speaking from the ‘I’ worked really well for me,” Pilar said. “I had been
so ready to lay blame and rehash every fight we ever had. This kept me more
focused on making my point and keeping it simple.”
Pilar started pausing before erupting in anger at Justin when she felt he
was going out of his way to make things more difficult for her. When she felt
like saying, “You keep changing the schedule on purpose so that I’m always
running around like crazy” she reframed it as, “I need you to let me know
ahead of time when you want to change the schedule.” This way, Pilar didn’t
assume that Justin had some secret nefarious motivation behind the way he
was acting, and she wasn’t making unfair generalizations. When he felt less
attacked, Justin was able to see that he had not thought through the impact
his last-minute schedule changes were having on Pilar. He learned that Pilar
was taking on more hours as an English tutor in addition to her teaching job,
so her schedule was less flexible than he realized.
LESSON 2: There’s no such thing as winning a fight.
You may think you “won” a fight, but what did you really win?
You still fought! You still chose to get all worked up and to
exchange harsh words. Is this the best use of your time and
energy? Suzanne realized that arguing with her ex cost her something—time, peace of mind, focus. She took responsibility for her part in their
arguments. Instead of thinking, “He started it,” she would notice when it
seemed he was starting to argue and then decide not to join in. She also realized that when she took good care of herself and got enough exercise and sleep,
she was less likely to pick a fight. “It takes two people to argue,” Suzanne says.
“Once I really took that to heart, I could detach and end a conversation or
walk away to prevent a blowout. I noticed that he started doing the same thing.
Neither of us wanted to fight anymore.”
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It was knowing how much damage fights had caused in their marriage that
allowed Suzanne and her ex to do their best not to engage in disagreements—
not in person, not over the phone, and definitely not in the most dangerous
way of all, via text, when rapid responses can propel arguments into the stratosphere faster than you can send a “pulling your hair out” emoji. “Stepping back
and taking a breath when things looked like they would escalate worked for us
because we both wanted peace more than we wanted to be ‘right,’ or to have
the last word,” Suzanne says. Despite occasional slips, Suzanne and her ex did
a better job of keeping their interactions civil, calm, and friendly.
LESSON 3: Email, text, and speak to him like he’s a coworker.
If you wouldn’t put what you’re about to say in a text to your
coworker, don’t send it to your ex. This will save you from writing
countless angry rants and pressing SEND when you know you
shouldn’t. By following this approach, Amali learned to pare
down and fact-base her emails to her ex. Not only was this good form, so that
he didn’t have inflammable emails and texts that he could potentially one day
use against her, it was also an effective way to speak to the issues at hand and
avoid fights.
When you’re talking face-to-face or on the phone, think of yourself as the driver of the conversation. You’re trying to guide the
talk from point A to point B either to get information or to solve
a problem. Carlotta practiced this technique with Gina, asking
her to react exactly as she thought Carlotta’s ex, Bill, would. Bonus points to
Gina because she altered her voice to a bass range. No matter what “he” said,
Carlotta practiced staying calm and on point. But first they practiced a conversation with no driver and two angry people.
Carlotta says whatever comes to mind, and Gina (playing the
role of Bill) responds in kind.
EXAMPLE 1:
Carlotta: Four days a week isn’t a fair schedule.
Gina, playing Bill: You don’t think anything is fair.
Carlotta: That’s not true! You’re such a child!
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Gina: No, that would be you.
Carlotta: You always get your way, and I’m tired of it. You need to
step up.
Gina: Why don’t you yell a little louder so the people down the block
can hear you?
Carlotta: I wouldn’t be yelling if you listened.
A conversation with a neutral driver (Carlotta) and an angry
man (Gina as Bill):
EXAMPLE 2:
Carlotta: I’d like to talk about Bailey’s spring break schedule.
Gina: What?
Carlotta: I could have three days and you could have two.
Gina: You just want your way! Like always.
Carlotta: Actually, no. I would like the schedule to be the best it can
be for everyone. I had an idea and I’d like to run it by you and see if
you have suggestions, too.
Gina: You love to control everything.
Carlotta: I don’t see it that way. I just want to talk to you about the
schedule. Here is what I propose . . .
Carlotta is just dealing with the facts. She isn’t letting herself be bumped
off point. “He” insults her and goads her, but she doesn’t react, and thus provides no fuel for the fire. The first time Carlotta tried to stay neutral in a conversation with Bill, she lost her cool, turning a conversation about where their
daughter, Bailey, might go to college into her calling her ex “a lying scumbag.”
The next time, Carlotta did better, but Bill lost his temper.
After failing a few times, Carlotta learned to steer her conversations with
Bill where she wanted them to go. Her advice: “Stay the course. Keep practicing. I stayed focused on the topic or question rather than letting my anger get
the best of me.”
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Did “driving” the conversation take superhuman amounts of control for
Carlotta? Yes, especially at first, because she wanted to fight with Bill. Was
she happy she mastered this technique? Absolutely. Having a clear goal for
your conversation (such as finalizing a decision on the timing of selling your
house), and making sure you don’t veer off course (which is very easy to do),
can help you both stick to the task at hand, rather than reenact all the reasons
you find each other so difficult. Your next stop may not be Puerto Vallarta,
and you know you’re not on the Love Boat anymore, but it doesn’t have to be
the Titanic, either.
LESSON 4: Set limits when dealing with a bully.
Jamie discovered that when her ex, Doug, prodded her, insulted
her, or provoked her (and he knew how to do this better than anyone else), she could refuse to take the mistreatment and come up
with solutions on her own. She was adhering to her parenting
agreement because she presented him with choices and options. She was no
longer going to be Doug’s doormat.
Jamie: Can you pick up the kids tomorrow since I’ll need to work
late—yes or no?
If he insulted her or yelled, she made it clear she wasn’t going to talk to
him: “I can see this isn’t a good time for you to have a conversation. I will make
other pickup arrangements for the boys. If you want to discuss this further, it
needs to be when you’re not yelling at me.”
Jamie solved the problem without his involvement and showed him she
was no longer going to be mistreated by him. Jamie’s approach: If you can’t
simply end a conversation because, say, you need some information from your
ex, restate your question, along with the options for a response.
Jamie: When will you let me know about your summer vacation plans
for the boys?
Doug: I’m not sure.
Jamie: Will you take vacation time in July or August?
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When he again gave a nonspecific reply, Jamie said, “Let me know by the
end of the month. I have to book camps, and if you don’t provide me with the
week you would like for their vacation, I will book seven weeks of camp, allotting for my vacation time only.”
Iris had many opportunities to practice this technique, since communication breakdowns seemed to be the norm with Flint. She
remembers when he declined to help with the estate sale at their
home but kept calling her with complaints about how she was handling everything. “I was so tired of him arguing about absolutely everything
as I got ready for the estate sale,” Iris said. “He stopped paying the mortgage
on our house and was living in a penthouse with his new girlfriend while I
was taking care of our three kids, trying to get our house sold, and packing
up boxes.”
Flint wanted half of everything, even insisting on seeing an inventory of
their silver. But when she asked him if he wanted to look over the contents of
the house before items were sold, he never gave her an answer. “He refused
to accept that we had eleven salad forks and must have lost one—yet he also
wouldn’t come by to see for himself or offer to help,” Iris said. Rather than
continue to argue, while also doing all the prep work for the sale, she stepped
out of the fray. “I sent him a salad fork with the following note:
‘The house sale is now your job. The estate sale is now your job.
The kids and I moved in with my parents. Fork you.’”
Iris knew that she was going above and beyond to get their home emptied
and sold. When Flint was nitpicking over cutlery and refusing to help, she
realized that removing herself from the situation entirely was the sanity-saving
thing to do. Flint had no choice but to become more involved in the process.
LESSON 5: Vent more, complain less.
When talking with friends and family about all that you’re going
through, you want to be wary of sucking the energy out of the
room with your tale of woe. If you become an energy vampire,
friends may start to find you draining and exhausting. Of course,
you want to get support and love from important people in your life. However,
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check yourself to see if you’re venting to let out steam, like Gina, or stuck in a
dark loop of complaints, like Carlotta, focused only on the problems and how
you’re powerless to solve them.
Gina had a lot to get off her chest as she came to terms with her husband
Clayton’s homosexuality. She felt betrayed, hurt, and deeply disappointed. She
was also pregnant and having a hard time accepting that the family she imagined was not to be. She would let her friends know how she was doing but
refrained from obsessing about it. “There wasn’t a solution to my situation, but
it helped to get things off my chest and be listened to,” Gina says. After sharing
how she was feeling, she would drop the topic, eager to move on to hear what
her friends had to say was going on in their lives. This allowed Gina to hear
funny stories others had to share.
Carlotta, on the other hand, was showing up everywhere as a dark storm
cloud, talking only about Bill’s affair with “the whore.” She noticed friends limiting their time with her or, worse, not making time to see her or take her calls.
“I was so hurt and angry that I was endlessly complaining about Bill,” Carlotta
“Even though I could have talked
says. She started to notice friends sayendlessly about Clayton, I didn’t want
every get-together to be focused on
ing things like, “I understand how hurt
my problems. By sharing the floor
you are, so why don’t we talk about ways
with my friends, I was able to stay
to get over him.” It took Carlotta some
connected to them and I also got a
time before she realized that complainwelcome distraction from what I was
ing about how bad things were not only
going through.” —Gina
kept her feeling upset but was bringing
everyone around her down, too. Carlotta
began to save some of her pent-up complaints for her weekly therapy session.
She soon noticed that she enjoyed her time with her friends even more when
they had the opportunity to talk about everything under the sun—not just
Bill’s latest offense.
LESSON 6: Don’t criticize or play detective.
Talking with our children in the early stages of divorce, when nerves feel
frayed, requires vigilance so that we sidestep the temptation to bad-mouth
their dad or use them to report back on their time with him. Criticizing your
ex, in effect, is criticizing your kids. They are part him, part you. Don’t make
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them feel bad about part of themselves or feel that they have to pick sides. Kids
don’t want to hear either parent say anything negative about the other parent.
Do what you have to do to keep your mouth shut about your ex. If that means
not talking for three minutes and deep breathing until your blood pressure
normalizes, so be it. Punch pillows in your bedroom instead of calling him
names or putting him down in front of your kids.
It’s normal to be curious about your ex and his new life. You may
want to know if he seems happy or even what he made the kids for
dinner. Iris initially took it too far, asking her two oldest girls a zillion questions about Margot, the Broadway actress who lived with
Flint. Does she stay there all the time? Does she watch you by herself? Iris thought
her head would explode the day the girls told her that Margot liked to tuck
them in and sing to them at night. Iris full on lost it, yelling, “How dare she?!”
It was the sound of Iris’s oldest daughter, Jiang, crying that snapped her back
to reality. Jiang looked far too tired for someone only eight years old.
Whimpering, Jiang threw her hands up and said, “I don’t know what to say
when you ask me questions. I don’t know what the right answer is.” Iris hugged
her fiercely and apologized for yelling and for asking questions that made her
feel uncomfortable. Your kids don’t want to feel like they’re in the middle of
your fights with your ex or, even worse, spying for you. Take off your investigator’s cap.
LESSON 7: You don’t have to answer right away.
When you think he’s trying to pick a fight or put you on the spot, don’t engage.
He might say: “Can my new girlfriend, Tiffany, show you her résumé? I told
her you could help her get a job.” Pause and say, “I will think about it.” You
have put off answering an uncomfortable request in person, and it’s hard to
argue with someone who says they will think about it. Later you can email
him: “I’ve thought about it, and the answer is no.”
Take a deep breath before speaking and before answering. Eleanor found
this helpful when dealing with her infuriatingly calm husband, Harold.
Though normally poised and composed herself, Eleanor felt like she was living on the edge of losing it after Harold left her. Taking a deliberate moment
to breathe before speaking helped her gather her thoughts and measure her
response.
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Meghan also found this “take a moment before you answer”
approach extremely helpful in her dealings with Joan, who
despite leaving Meghan, had no qualms about asking Meghan
for favors, such as driving her to the airport over an hour away,
jump-starting her car when she had a dead battery, or delivering her mail to
her. Meghan knew that she was still in love with Joan and was an easy target;
by taking time to think before she immediately said yes, she was able to mull
over the likely consequences of her choices. Meghan learned not to go with her
knee-jerk reaction, which was always yes and usually resulted in Meghan feeling bad about herself for agreeing to Joan’s latest request. This ultimately
helped to bolster Meghan’s self-esteem. She realized she was setting healthy
boundaries about what she would and wouldn’t do.
LESSON 8: Forgo the verbal knockout punch.
If you excel at witty banter and clever comebacks, that’s great—but save them
for your next cocktail party, not conversations with your ex. As Jill recalls,
“These great zingers would just pop into my head and fly out my mouth. At
first I couldn’t help myself. But I soon realized that the momentary satisfaction
I got from comebacks, like, ‘You gave the kids a bath. Hold on, I can’t hear you
over the parade that’s going by in your honor,’ wasn’t getting me anywhere.
I was actually prolonging the fight and acting like a jerk.” Jill’s advice: Hold
your tongue. Don’t add fuel to the fire that’s already aflame between you and
your ex.
Carlotta faced a similar challenge. “One of the highlights of my
day used to be coming up with a new put-down for my ex,” said
Carlotta. “I would start every email with a jab before getting to
my point. Big surprise that when a text started out, ‘Aye, aye,
Captain Douchebag’ he ignored the message.” She realized that as briefly satisfying as it was for her to make a cutting remark at his expense, all it did was
upset him and delay or prevent him from answering the question. Carlotta
gave up the name-calling and the put-downs, because when she put Bailey
first, there was no room for antagonizing, spite-filled messages.
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LESSON 9: Keep your cool.
On the day Jill’s divorce was scheduled to be approved by a judge,
she and her ex, along with their attorneys, were all at the courthouse. “There’s just one thing we haven’t worked out,” said her ex’s
attorney, sending Jill into a panic. Jill couldn’t imagine what was
left to hash out. His lawyer continued, “We forgot to include how to address
health care moving forward.” Jill’s ex started to fume and insist that he wasn’t
going to pay for everyone’s health care forever. Neither lawyer had any solution. Jill’s lawyer started to pack up, as if he were going home and the divorce
wouldn’t be happening that day.
Jill realized that she had to stay calm or her divorce would be delayed
again. In the face of everyone’s frustration, Jill asked them to consider their
options for resolving things that day. Only a few minutes later, they reached a
solution: They simply added the words “to be revisited in two years.” They initialed the changes and signed the agreement; about thirty minutes later, they
were pronounced divorced. That would not have happened if Jill had gotten
upset or caught up in her emotions. Focusing on finding a solution, instead of
arguing about the problem itself, worked. If he’s yelling or becoming angry,
there’s no reason for you to do the same. You’re not on the debate team, and no
one is keeping score during your conversations. Stay measured and in control
of your emotions.
LESSON 10: If you want to ask him back . . .
If you’ve searched your heart and want your soon-to-be ex back,
like Eleanor wanted Harold, express how you feel in a way that
serves you. Eleanor tried everything to get Harold’s attention,
from showing up unannounced at the courthouse where he
worked and wearing revealing outfits to mediation sessions, to making batches
of his favorite cookies and inventing reasons to call him. “Sorry to bother you at
work, Harold, but I can’t remember how to set the timer for the sprinkler system.”
Eleanor told Renée that she wasn’t making any progress with Harold and
time was running out. Eleanor knew he was planning to marry Eva shortly
after their divorce was finalized. When his guilt would get the best of him,
Harold would stop by the house at their teatime on Sunday, spending what
used to be his favorite hour of the week with Eleanor. But on most days, he
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had no patience for her antics. He felt she was rewriting history and had never
truly wanted him, only the lifestyle he provided.
Renée pointed out that Eleanor had threatened him, slashed his tires, tried
to bribe him with cookies, and pestered him with phone calls, but what she
hadn’t done was actually talk to Harold about her feelings and ask him to
come back home. Eleanor couldn’t believe she was so blind to this simple,
honest approach. Renée cautioned Eleanor not to beg him to come back. This
might only push him away further. “Pick your moment carefully, and tell him
one time how you feel,” Renée said. “Let him know that you still love him
very much, you want to stay together, and if he changes his mind, and if you’re
available, you would be open to talking about getting back together.” Eleanor
knew she would have to plan the conversation very carefully.
This approach encouraged Eleanor to be honest and to leverage the attribute
that both men and women find the most attractive—confidence. Conveying
your love without implying that you will be waiting around instead of living
your life shows him that you know you can live without him. Even if you’re
not convinced of this yet, we will help you get there. For Eleanor, however, this
was an approach that could have worked years earlier. By the time Harold had
left, it was too late for them as a couple. If you’re considering asking him back,
don’t make Eleanor’s mistake by waiting too long.
LESSON 11: Be honest about how hard it is.
People tend to respond better when we take a gentle approach and show tenderness. When you’re open with your ex about how tough the divorce is on
you, he will likely be far more responsive than if you yell and scream about his
missing a mediation session.
There’s something bittersweet about moving on, even if it’s what
you want. When you can hold space in your heart for the person
you once loved, you might find it easier to treat him well, even
when you’re having difficult conversations. Renée still offered
Hector a drink when he came over and treated him kindly. “We were on the
path to divorce, but at one point we really loved each other,” Renée said.
“I never forgot that.” Letting your ex see how much he meant to you, even
when you’re both moving in different directions, honors the years you spent
together.
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STRIKE A POWER POSE
I
f you’ve ever wanted to look or feel more powerful, watch social scientist Amy Cuddy’s TED Talk, “Your Body Language Shapes Who
You Are.” One of the things she reveals is how taking a power pose
(arms akimbo like Wonder Woman) for two minutes prior to an important meeting—or a conversation with your ex-husband—raises your
testosterone and lowers the stress hormone cortisol. As a result, she
says, you feel more empowered, get your ideas across more effectively, and are more likely to get what you want out of a negotiation.
LESSON 12: Look and listen for the good in your ex.
Follow the Golden Rule and treat your ex the way you want to be
treated. That means you won’t bad-mouth him around town,
throw away his sports trophies to spite him, or be rude to his
friends or family. Mitch initially had a hard time accepting that
Denise wanted to separate and complained about it to anyone who would listen. Denise could have followed the trail of his tears and told her side of the
story, defending her decision. Instead, she chose to take a step back. “I knew
Mitch was telling anyone who would listen that I was selfish for leaving him,”
said Denise. “I also knew that he was hurting and it was his wounded ego talking.” Keeping that in mind, Denise was able to be more sympathetic. She
decided that she had lived most of her adult life looking for the good in Mitch,
and she wasn’t going to let the divorce change that. Denise knew that whatever
we focus on expands, so she chose to focus on the positive with Mitch.
WHAT ROLE DOES YOUR EX PLAY IN YOUR DIVORCE DRAMA?
Conversations with your ex are going to be impacted by how you’re getting
along and the dynamic between you. Whether he shows up as the hero or the
villain, here are some tips for keeping your cool no matter what role he’s playing.
Sir Unreliable. When he’s late again—or worse, forgets to show up at all for his
parenting time—you may be tempted to scream bloody murder, even though
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you know this won’t change anything. our tip : If your ex is not dependable,
make backup arrangements. Having a list of babysitters and friends who will
take your kids last-minute if need be will keep you from scrambling in a panic.
Accept that he has chosen the role of fun parent, leaving you
in the role of strict parent. Don’t waste energy trying to convince him to discipline the kids. Realize that you will need to extend yourself to pick up the
slack. If you’re doing most of the heavy lifting, though it may not be fun, know
that it will benefit your kids in the long run. our tip : If he’s the fun parent,
suck it up and be the conscientious parent. Remind your kids to brush their
teeth and do their homework. Schedule orthodontist appointments. But also
make time for fun activities, too, like going to the state fair, a picnic in the
park, or roller-skating.
Disney Dad.
You can’t help it, you’re still in love with him. Every time
you see him, you’re hoping for a sign that he wants to try again. When he slips
and calls you “babe” in conversation, you swoon just a little. our tip : Use a
Google calendar and email or text to avoid the potential triggers of seeing him,
hearing his voice, or smelling his cologne.
Heartbreak Harry.
H
Resources Boost Your Communication Skills
Getting to Yes: Negotiating
Agreement Without Giving In
by Roger Fisher, William L. Ury,
and Bruce Patton. Popular in
the business world for years,
the step-by-step strategies in
this book for resolving conflict
and reaching mutually beneficial
agreements can be used in
personal relationships as well.
The 5 Love Languages by Gary
Chapman. Learn how your primary
relationship language, and the
languages of the people in your
life, color how you communicate
and how you give and receive love.
You will gain insights into all your
interpersonal relationships.
Making Divorce Work by Diane
Mercer and Katie Jane Wennechuk.
Informed by the eight mediation
tactics that were developed in
the authors’ practice, this helpful
guide shows you how to keep
discussions on point and rational to
reach an agreement and preserve
the positives that are left in your
relationship.
T h e E x F i le s : C o m m u n i cat i n g 1 0 1 • 1 07
He’s flirting with everything in a skirt. As much as your ex’s
antics may embarrass you, you have no control over his life and who he hits on.
our tip : Keep communication brief and focused on the kids and the divorce
process, not his latest lady friend.
Town Lothario.
He may try to extend conversations and contact,
show up with flowers, volunteer to fix stuff around your house, and respond
spitefully when you move on. our tip : If your ex wants you back and you’re
not interested, don’t give him false hope. Be clear about what you want and
limit your interaction with him.
Mr. “I Want You Back.”
What I Wish I’d Known
“My best talks with Hector would happen when I was honest
about how hard the split was. This allowed him to admit that
he was having a hard time, too, and generated a wave of
goodwill.”—Renée