MODULE 11​
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Communication: Generate The Results You Want Transform Your Business 1 “Give every man thy ear but few they voice” -
William Shakespeare
The Art of Creating Connection: While our culture clearly emphasizes speaking over listening, listening is one of the most direct and powerful means to creating effective, connected relationships. It is also the foundation for great leadership, high­performance teams, and effective organizations. We’ve all felt, at some time or another, that we’re not being heard. We’ve felt our comments have been dismissed, that our ideas aren’t valid, that our efforts don’t count. Those feeling and experiences stem from not being heard. THE REAL ISSUE IS THAT SOMEONE WAS NOT LISTENING. Do you really want to have a relationship of any kind with someone who doesn’t listen to you? Of course not. That is why effective listening is so important to relationships. If you want to build an effective, constructive relationship with someone, you need to listen to –not just hear­ what they have to say. WHY IS LISTENING SO DIFFICULT FOR SO MANY? Here are some thoughts compiled by the International Listening Association: ● Most of us are distracted, preoccupied or​
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forgetful about 75% of the time we should be listening. ● We listen at 125­150 words per minute,​
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but think at 1,000­3,000 words per minute. ● Immediately after we listen to someone,​
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we only recall about 50% of what he or she said. ● Long­term, we only remember 20% of what we hear. 2 Listening has been identified as one of the top skills employers seek in both entry­level employees as well as those employees being considered for promotion. Many business studies indicate that listening is a top skill needed for success in business. AUTOMATIC VS CREATIVE LISTENING Most of us listen automatically, which takes two forms: not listening at all or listening judgmentally; to agree or disagree. Think about how you listen to someone you really want to understand versus someone you don’t care about understanding or even hearing. You ‘really’ listen to what the person you want to understand is saying more closely than you listen to what the other person is saying. OTHER EXAMPLES OF AUTOMATIC LISTENING: ● Looking for a flaw ● Thinking about how to respond ● Concluding that what is being said is not valid ● Assuming you already know the information ● Trying to figure out how the information fits with what you already know or believe With effective listening, on the other hand, you must determine what’s in charge. Are your automatic thoughts and responses steering the ship? Either you have these conversations or these conversations have you. When you listen to others, what do you hear? As we have discussed throughout our program, to be human is to interpret. What you hear when you listen to others is usually not what they are saying. There is no way to avoid interpreting, but there is a way to have listening be empowering. Unfortunately, in the average interaction, we are uncommitted speakers and listeners, thus disempowering our conversations with one another. Rehabilitating your capacity to listen is crucial to transforming the quality of your relationships. 3 Choose to BE 100% Responsible for the other person’s listening­­­ ASK: Who do I need to be to create the relationship I say I am committed to? PAUSE ­ STOP, LOOK, CHOOSE, ACTION Then create connection​
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out of your commitment to creating relationship CONNECTED ­ EFFECTIVE LISTENING: ● Able to REFLECT exactly what was said ● UNDERSTAND what it is to be in the other person’s shoes ● What is the conversation that they are that they said, what they said? ● What is the conversation I am that I heard what I heard? ● EMPATHIZE with what they must feel given how they experienced what they shared Listening and speaking are rigorous practices. They are also intimately connected, and they cannot be separated from one another. In transformation, they are either mutually effective or mutually ineffective. Unfortunately, our culture consistently teaches us ineffective speaking and ineffective listening skills. It is a vicious circle, When you know that whoever you are talking to probably isn’t listening with an intention to understand, you aren’t as careful about what you say. And vice­versa­ when they know that you aren’t really committed to what you are saying, then you create only listen half­heartedly. Have you ever noticed that when someone demonstrates that they have been listening intently ­ by asking you for clarification or by questioning you in some other way ­ it can throw you off? When confronted with a conversational companion who is ​
actually listening, it’s easy to get confused or become uncertain about what you were saying. Suddenly, you may lack the confidence to face questions. We’ve become so used to conversations that are essentially idle talk, stories, gossip, that we are caught off­guard by conversations that ​
aren’t ​
meaningless; when someone actually listens.. When you communicate at the surface level of stories, narrative, and opinion, there can be no empowerment and no breakthrough. 4 Breakthrough comes out of your vision and your commitment to live by your word. This means saying what you mean, meaning what you say, and ​
listening with an intention to understand what people saying.​
Not hearing what you think they mean, but listening for what they actually mean. Only when you cut out your stories, reasons, and justifications can you discern what appropriate action is needed. And only when you do not support the stories, reasons, and justifications of others is there the possibility of empowering them with your listening. How can you be a committed listener or speaker? You can begin by starting an inquiry into your own speaking and listening habits. JOURNAL: 1. When you listen to others, where is your focus? Are you focused on yourself, or on what they are saying? In other words, are you thinking about whether you agree or disagree with them, whether you like what they are saying or not, what you will say next, or are you simply trying to understand what they are saying? 2. If you were to critique your own listening, what changes would you recommend to yourself? 3. When you speak, how do you react if someone questions you or disagrees with you? 4. How important to you is being right or being agreed with? 5. How does your need to be right alter your speaking and your listening? 6. If you were to critique your own speaking, what changes would you recommend for yourself? 7. How often do you interrupt people before they finish their thoughts? 8. How often do you finish people’s sentences for them? 9. Are you an interrupter, or a sentence finisher (include if you do it mentally and not out loud)? 5 We often have hidden agendas when we are in conversation with people­ie; to sell them something, convince them of something, validate our own beliefs, etc. We rarely suspend our thinking and opinions to be with another person. It is rare that we suspend our need to fix, correct, or problem solve what we see so that we can begin to truly “be” with another person. The only empowering agenda to have is the desire to contribute to another human being. An essential element of serving other people is to acknowledge them and their points of view; to have them be seen, heard, and validated regardless of whether we agree or not. Human beings are prone to wanting to be right. In conversation, when your focus is on yourself ­ which is usually the case unless you train yourself otherwise­ you are all about gathering evidence to prove that your opinions are right or that differing opinions are wrong. Little gets accomplished in this type of conversation; unless the purpose is to gossip. If everyone agrees there is little possibility for breakthrough. If everyone disagrees, you each do your best to convert the other, or dismiss each other altogether. Playing the right/wrong game is both frustrating and exhausting. It is ultimately pointless and shuts down your ability to think creatively. Given that human beings are pure interpretation, who says your interpretations are any more right than anyone else’s? We all think that our opinions are facts and that any differing opinions are invalid. As long as our senior commitment is to be right, we don’t have to think, to evaluate our own opinions or change. One of the most empowering, supportive, inspiring, respectful things you can do in a relationship is freely acknowledge the other person’s point of view regardless of whether or not you agree. The acknowledgment contributes to that other person, and the opportunity and willingness to see the world a different way contributes to you. This is the only way to create real, authentic connection using language. th​
There is a saying by Rumi, the 13​
century poet, who said: “Out​
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beyond right thinking and wrong thinking, there is a field. I will meet you there.” JOURNAL: 10. What happens to your speaking and listening when someone disagrees with your point of view? 6 11. Notice your human tendency to “be right.” How do you react when you experience someone making you wrong? 12. In what ways do you subtly or overtly make yourself right and others wrong in conversations, and ultimately, in your relationships? 13. Are you someone who is always making yourself wrong? If so, what are you really being right about? (for example: “I’m not good enough, I’m not smart enough, I am not going to be successful etc.) 14. What would it take from you to genuinely recognize the validity of points of view other than your own? Imagine teams, organizations, governments, or cultures that operate by suspending, the ineffective listening, and are respecting one another in ways that create authentic connection for human beings. Since you are a person who is on the path of transformation, you are the leader who carves out new possibilities. The new definition of leadership calls for leadership that depends on a fundamental shift of being, with a commitment to “being,” rather than a commitment to “doing.” Leadership then is about creating a domain in which human beings continually develop their understanding of reality, and become more capable of participating in the unfolding of the world. It is about the release of human possibilities and the growth of consciousness. And so listening becomes one of the most important capacities a leader can have. Imagine we create a new vision for the planet and out of that commitment begin to create. The following exercise will require you to suspend your need to be right, be heard, or be validated in order to create authentic connection with another human being. It will also require you to slow down the process of communication, be present, and get clear about your commitment to another person. Once committed you will then need to be present moment to moment and delay your desire to speak about your own thoughts, feelings or judgments which might arise while another person is speaking. What creates authentic connection for another person is for ​
them to experience you in their world​
; as if you are going to another country where you do not know the norms, the language, or the rules. Walk with them, next to them, and follow them, fully immersed in what it is to walk in their shoes and see the world through their eyes. Be in complete discovery about all of what they share with you as if you KNOW NOTHING, but are committed to understanding all that they share. 7 “The principle form that the work of relationship takes is attention… By far the most common and important way in which we can exercise our attention is By listening…Listening well is an exercise of attention and by necessity hard​
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work…weighing each word and understanding each sentence…, putting aside everything else…including you own worries and preoccupations…True listening involves bracketing, a setting aside of the self…and total acceptance of the other. Then the person will know him or herself to be valued and therefore will feel valuable.” -
From M. Scott Peck, The Road Less Traveled
EXERCISE for the week: While people are talking to you, let them talk until they are finished, and listen to be able to: 1. REPEAT back EXACTLY​
what they said to you. If you can repeat back what they said then you have ​
begun​
the process of creating connection with the other person. If you can repeat back their words then you have stayed with them long enough that you are now ABLE to avoid using your interpretation of what they said as the information to respond to. You are acting as a mirror. This step prevents many common blockers in creating connection...including dominating the conversation, interrupting, being overly critical, being too closed­mouth, and failing to pay close attention. It also puts an end to the “shoot and reload” type of communication, in which one person “fires” the first shot of words and “reloads” the mental gun while the other person is talking. You can’t shoot and reload during the mirroring because you have to listen so carefully to the other person. 2. Next step is to ​
UNDERSTAND​
how they see it the way they see it as if you are walking in their shoes. 8 Our frontal lobe gives us the capacity to take another person or group of people into account and to infer what their experience might be like. It gives us the capacity to not only see things from our own subjective point of view, but at the same time, retain the capacity to step back and imagine how others may view, experience and feel in the same situation. Your frontal lobe gives you the capacity for real power. It gives you the ability to be intentional, commit and go against your instinctual reaction. Being intentional and committed allows you to respond from what you imagined possible in your vision for the relationship. However, it is not an ability that you may have been using as it can be used. 3. And last, ​
EMPATHIZE​
with their feelings. Some of which they may have shared and others you will get because you are in their shoes and can imagine their circumstances and situations. Humans want – to be seen, to be heard, and to be validated. 9