.\
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!
Narcissism and Dependency
in the Obsessional-Hysteric
Marriage
JOSEPH BARNETT, M.D.
Marriages in which one partner is an obsessional neurotic and the
other an hysteric lead to certain patterns of difficulty and conflict that
are functions both of the character structure of each and of their inter­
action. The central dynamic task of marriage is the development and
integration of constructive and viable patterns of intimacy. Both the
obsessional and the hysteric have serious problems with intimacy and
introduce into the marriage distortions and limitations of experience
which restrict or even bar intimacy. This paper will examine some of
the interpersonal and transactional dynamics considered especially
important in such relationships.
HE OBSESSIONAL man and the hysterical woman 1 are often at­
tracted to each other. They see each other as complementary to
their own style of living, and indeed they are. The hysteric is the more
expressive personality. She is vivacious, emotional, empathic, and
spontaneous. The obsessional, in contrast, is the more organized per­
sonality. More contained. and intellectualizecr,"he is more logical, con­
trolled, and achievement oriented. These factors of outward style aid
in the initial idealization each makes of the other. The hysteric sees
the obsessional as the strong silent man, profound, organized, and suc­
T
1 I designate the obsessional as male and the hysteric as female for convenience and
because of the frequency of this sexual distribution in our culture where hysteria is
more congruent with role expectations of women, and obsessionaliam is more compatible
with the male role. There are marriages in which the male is the hysteric and the woman
the obsessional.
75
76 /
FAMILY PROCESS
cessful, while the obsessional views the hysteric as being warm, vital,
loving, and fun. Both see in the other's outward style evidence of pre­
cisely those characteristics they would like to see in themselves. They
see in the other an opportunity for change and growth, a comple­
mentary relationship which may be therapeutic for their own inade­
quacies and liabilities or, at the very least, might enhance their own
experience (1). To this extent, then, the attraction has elements of
healthy striving. Such persons often change and grow considerably,
if the marriage can survive the conflicts created by their respective
problems with intimacy.
Unfortunately, these initial idealizations fall far short of an ade­
quate awareness of the complexities of the other as a person. For the
outward styles often enough are created by, and tend to obscure,
those very neurotic factors which can subvert the opportunity for in­
timacy.
Both the hysteric and the obsessional have problems in the areas of
dependency and narcissism (6). The dynamics of these problems, how­
ever, differ in each personality, and in their differences we find im­
portant clues to an understanding of the conflicts which occur when
they interact.
Although the hysteric is overtly identified with her narcissism, her
basic problems lie in her profound dependency. Overwhelmed in her
childhood by affective overload, she develops feelings of helplessness,
which she attempts to solve by dependence on others for care, protec­
tion, and nurturance. Her dependency becomes the most pervasive
motivational force in her life, while remaining largely implicit and
covert-rationalized and denied in various ways. Her narcissism, on
the other hand, is openly avowed. Her flamboyance and exhibitionism,
her flirtatiousness and need to excite interest and attention, are ac­
cepted aspects of her self-system, used to secure the care she craves.
Her narcissism, in other words, is largely in the service of her depend­
ency.
The obsessional has a contrasting relationship to his dependency
and narcissistic needs. Openly passive and dependent, his more basic
fault lies in the area of his covert yet pervasive narcissism. The con­
ditions of the obsessional's early life were so fraught with ambiguity
and disguised aggression and rejection that he has little self-esteem
(2). Narcissism becomes the impoverished substitute for the feelings
of personal significance he lacks. Since approval for achievement has
been the counterfeit for love in his life, he tries unceasingly to prove
his worth by his performances in the non-personal world and by the
JOSEPH BARNETT
admiration and approval hE
His overt dependency and
his way of achieving thes
"good." Thus, in contrast
ency is in the service of hi1
In their interaction, the
demands for anaclitic or (
sional, his implicit order f
the greatest pains each BU
other in the area of their ~
The hysteric, in her depE
ens the obsessional, whosE
self-contempt cause him tl
he cannot afford. His resp
withdraw and create emot
The hysteric, her anaclitic
by feeling unloved and
passivity and withdrawal
response as criticism, rej
retaliatory withdrawal al
Further complicating D
exhibitionistic display, W
love, is distorted by the
trol, and "taking over." E
in the shadow of her "pe
compete at this level bee
sessional's passivity and (
sent his deep sense of inE
sonalized by the hysteric
The wounds inflicted
action, then, are primari]
and false pride that are j
wounds suffered by the
anaclitic, i.e. they are 1
from her lack of self-estl
geared to inflict woundf
needs of the other. Whe
this may lead to a deser
personal growth in both
is too low, and sensitivi
FAMILY PROCESS
ric as being warm, vital,
rd style evidence of pre­
see in themselves. They
and growth, a comple­
tic for their own inade­
tight enhance their own
taction has elements of
and grow considerably,
,ted by their respective
Lll far short of an ade­
ler as a person. For the
, and tend to obscure,
the opportunity for in-
Iroblems in the areas of
)f these problems, how­
:lifferences we find im­
licts which occur when
rith her narcissism, her
r. Overwhelmed in her
eelings of helplessness,
Dthers for care, protec­
es the most pervasive
g largely implicit and
rs. Her narcissism, on
nce and exhibitionism,
!l.nd attention, are ac­
'e the care she craves.
service of her depend­
ip to his dependency
ndent, his more basic
narcissism. The con­
mght with ambiguity
has little self-esteem
;itute for the feelings
for achievement has ,
unceasingly to prove
lal world and by the
/ 77
JOSEPH BARNETT
admiration and approval he can glean from his personal relationships.
His overt dependency and passivity in personal relationships become
his way of achieving these narcissistic goals by being "right" and
"good." Thus, in contrast to the hysteric, the obsessional's depend­
ency is in the service of his narcissism'.
In their interaction, the covert claims of each-in the hysteric, her
demands for anaclitic or dependent gratification and in the obses­
sional, his implicit order for narcissistic supplies-are the source of
the greatest pains each suffers. Almost unerringly, each wounds the
other in the area of their greatest vulnerability.
The hysteric, in her dependent craving for contact and care, threat­
ens the obsessional, whose fears of exposure and whose shame and
self-contempt cause him to perceive tenderness and intimacy as risks
he cannot afford. His response to this threat is to avoid intimacy, to
withdraw and create emotional distance, to inhibit affect and action.
The hysteric, her anaclitic needs thwarted, responds to his av~idance
by feeling unloved and rejected and by frantically attacking the
passivity and withdrawal of her mate. The obsessional views this
response as criticism, rejection, and scorn and reacts with further
retaliatory withdrawal and distantiation.
Further complicating matters, the hysteric's overt narcissistic and
exhibitionistic display, which is her way of gaining attention and
love is distorted by the obsessional and seen as competition, con­
trol,' and "taking over." He begins to feel that he is perpetually living
in the shadow of her "personality" while feeling inept and unable to
compete at this level because of his self-contempt. Similarly, the ob­
sessional's passivity and dependency in the relationship, which repre­
sent his deep sense of ineptness and inadequacy is distorted and per­
sonalized by the hysteric as indifference and rejection.
The wounds inflicted on the obsessional in such a marital inter­
action, then, are primarily narcissistic woun~, i.e. blows to the vanity
and false pride that are his closest approximation to self-esteem. The
wounds suffered by the hysteric in such a transaction are primarily
anaclitic, i.e. they are based on her dependent claims which arise
from her lack of self-esteem and fears of autonomy. In effect, each is
geared to inflict wounds on the most sensitive, covert, and guarded
needs of the other. Where the character pathology is not too severe,
this may lead to a desensitization of neurotic hypersensitivity and to
personal growth in both partners. But in many such cases, self-esteem
is too low, and sensitivity too great, for such a favorable resolution:
·'.r
78 /
FAMILY PROCESS
Instead, from the logical structure of their own systems, each feels
progressively more injured and simultaneously more justified, "right,"
and indignant in their perception of the other as hateful, attacking,
and rejecting.
Despite the obvious withdrawal of the obsessional partner and the
propagandistic claims of the hysteric, it is important to recognize
that neither partner can permit real intimacy. The obsessional's fears
of intimacy center around his shame and fears of exposure, and finally
on his abysmally poor self-esteem. His solution to this dilemma is
that of withdrawal and distantiation. His claims in the relationship
are largely for approval and recognition. His notion of a comfortable
relationship is one where he is considered "right" or "good." The
hysteric's fear of in~acy is often obscured by her incessant craving
for physical and emotional contact. This contact is essentially infan­
tile rather than collaborative and has the quality of a search for ade­
quate nurturant care. A good relationship to her is a form of symbiosis
in which merger rather than intimacy occurs.
The psychological thrust of each, then, is away from the authen­
ticity, knowledge, and shared experience which are requisite to any
mature intimacy. The direction is rather towards self and, more par­
ticularly, towards fulfilling the narrow requirements of one'~ own his­
torically and characterologically determined needs for securIty.
The cognitive difficulties characterizing each of these personality
types add to the misunderstanding and conflict. The hysteric, a~ I
have previously suggested (3), characteristically explodes affectIve
data of experience before they can be organized and digested meaning-I
fully. Her comprehension of experience is consequently crude and
imprecise. Her communications 9,re more related to sensate than. syn­
tactic experience and are consequently often exaggerated and hIghly
colored. At the same time, the hysteric's assets lie in this very area
of feeling and affects. Her empathic and intuitive sense of interper­
sonal events and transactions, her expressive ability to convey emo­
tional experience to others, and her willingness to chance action and
commitment also arise from the development of the sensate area of
cognition.
.
The obsessional's cognitive difficulties are rather different. As the
hysteric explodes affect, so the obsessional impl~des or ~ontains ~he.m.
Fearing self-exposure and self-contempt, he avOIds making certam m­
terpersonal inferences which might organize the impli~ations of on­
going experience. He maintains disruption of these mferences by
JOSEPH BARNETT
implosion of affects, a me
of contained affects are us'
esses. He becomes syntax
because of these thought
systems based on the dUl
ambivalence, indecisivene~
obsessional living. His asse
tails , and his ability. to thiJ
tion, are based on h18 deve
The interplay between
crucial gap in understandiJ
even when communicatiOJ
become somewhat compe
style and envies them. 1
tuitive, and expressive ab
his organization, logic, and
At the same time, the
. problems. The obsessiona~
implications of his behaVl'
to maintain innocence, he
obsessional typically main
hibited style is proof of 1
the face of even the mo:
maintains that his intenti
tive results are accidental
The naivete of the hys
of the obsessional. Her :
facade covering underlyiJ
izes her motives, e.g. insi
ing manner be overloo~e
And like many affectIvl
merely because she feel::
right.
The resulting difficult
compound the interperso
at intimacy. Maskin (7),
· " ,­
"translating machmes
the communications of (
indeed, such translating
individual or marital th
FAMILY PROCESS
JOSEPH BARNETT
leir own systems, each feels
~ously more justified, "right"
,
: other as hateful, attacking,
: obsessional partner and the
.t is important to recognize
nacy. The obsessional's fears
fears of exposure, and finally
solution to this dilemma is
is claims in the relationship
His notion of a comfortable
red "right" or "good." The
red by her incessant craving
contact is essentially infan­
quality of a search for ade­
to her is a form of symbiosis
lcurs.
, is away from the authen­
which are requisite to any
towards self and, more par­
luirements 'Of one's own his­
ed needs for security.
~ each of these personality
conflict. The hysteric, as I
ristically explodes affective
~ized and digested meaning-I
IS consequently crude and
related to sensate than syn­
ten exaggerated and highly
assets lie in this very area
intuitive sense of interper­
jive ability to convey emo­
gness to chance action and
lent of the sensate a~ea of
Lre rather different. As the
implodes or contains them.
e avoids making certain in­
lze the implications of on­
)ll of these inferences by
/
79
implosion of affects, a mechanism in which the disorganizing effects
of contained affects are used to jam and restrict these thinking proc­
esses. He becomes syntax bound, excessively literal, and legalistic
because of these thought disturbances. The ambiguous referential
systems based on the duplicity of his early experience lead to the
ambivalence, indecisiveness, and lack of commitment so typical of
obsessional living. His assets, such as his organization, attention to de­
tails, and his ability to think theoretically or at high levels of abstrac­
tion, are based on his development of the syntactic area of cognition.
The interplay between these disparate cognitive systems creates a
crucial gap in understanding between the hysteric and the obsessional,
even when communication is attempted. On one level, they tend to
become somewhat competitive. Each sees the assets of the other's
style and envies them. The obsessional admires the empathic, in­
tuitive, and expressive abilities of the hysteric, and she is in awe of
his organization, logic, and his ability to think in generalizations.
At the same time, the liabilities inherent in each system create
problems. The obsessional is remarkably dense about the most obvious
implications of his behavior and its impact on his partner. In his need
to maintain innocence, he dearly wishes to be taken at face value. The
obsessional typically maintains that his controlled, modulated, and in­
hibited style is proof of his lack of hostility and good intentions. In
the face of even the most dire effects of his "benign" behavior, he
maintains that his intentions and motives are good and that any nega­
tive results are accidental or unrelated to his wishes.
The naivete of the hysteric differs considerably from the innocence
of the obsessional. Her seeming lack of awareness is more often a
facade covering underlying intentionality. She idealizes and rational­
izes her motives, e.g. insisting that her exaggerated and often attack­
ing manner be overlooked because of her loving and intimate intent.
And like many afiectively oriented people, she is convinced that
merely because she feels something it must, therefore, be true and
right.
The resulting difficulties in communication and in understanding
compound the interpersonal conflicts and further complicate attempts
at intimacy. Maskin (7), once suggested that such marriages be issued
"translating machines" which would be pre-programmed to translate
the communications of each spouse into the style of the other. And
indeed, such translating services are often a necessary task for the
individual or marital therapist. But, more frequently, the problems
80 /
FAMILY PROCESS
with meaning and understanding are more profound. The mutual
distortions, misperceptions and illusions of both about themselves
and the other are not merely stylistic, but have their roots in pro­
found differences in the organization and dynamics of their experience
with living.
The power structure of the obsessional-hysteric marriage adds to
the marital conflicts. Power motives, techniques, and tactics exist in
both partners but proceed according to an implicit contract concerning
power, aggression, and hostility that is modeled in accordance with
their contrasting dynamics.
Obsessional aggression in intimate situations is largely covert (4).
Passive techniques and inhibition of action are the obsessional's choice
techniques for aggression and hostility. He is hostile more by omis­
sion than commission-a disarmingly effective technique especially
when used against the hysteric whose comprehension of experience is
often simple enough not to know when she has been hit. The aggres­
sion of the hysteric, on the other hand, is explosive and often as­
saultive in style. Hysterical aggression and hostility is exaggerated,
poorly organized, and often misdirected. Characteristically, it often
approximates but does not quite hit the mark. This quality of personal
onslaught is especially effective and painful to the obsessional be­
cause of his low self-esteem and need for approval and admiration.
Its effectiveness is augmented by the obsessional's distortion of the
hysteric's style, based on his own narcissistic absorption and his hyper­
sensitivity to conflict.
The tactical situation often proceeds as follows. The obsessional is
the quiet, reasonable, "good" one in the relationship. He silently suf­
fers what he considers the abuse, attacks, and humiliation of the hys­
teric's assaults on his integrity and self-esteem. Covertly, through
passive techniques, withdrawal, and withholding operations, he man­
ages to retaliate for these blows to his narcissism. The very style of
his retaliation, moreover, is perfect to create the greatest havoc with
his hysterical partner, striking, as these techniques do, at her greatest
vulnerability-her dependency. The hysteric's role is that of the lively,
vivacious purveyor of "intimacy." Incessantly hungry for contact to
assuage her dependency, she couches her anaclitic claims in terms that
are most culturally accepted. Her righteous indignation and pain over
the obsessional's distantiation becomes, in effect, a neat critical riposte
that strikes directly at the need to be right and good so central to the
obsessional's narcissistic needs.
JOSEPH BARNETI'
Both, then, engage in
techniques differ. The 01
ertly, and rationalizes thl
ableness. His power tecl
narcissism but are give]
hysteric plays the power
and intimacy. Her powe
her dependency, but are
various times during the
eration becomes more en
exist.
The sexual conflicts tb
evolve from the fact thr
intimacy and with the
goals of mutual satisfa.c
her superficial narcissisJ
seductive frigidity. Basi(
tional and sexual respOl
relatively or totally anel
time, her conscious need
desirability lead her to I
terics, concern over fri~
satisfaction, especially
solution to the anxiety
dispose to sexual masoc]
The obsessional also 1
with intimacy (5). His E
and emotional expressiv
teraction. His solution i
stitutes performance £1
found in obsessionals D
Periodic or even total im
ruminations may result
whose fears and distrust
premature ejaculations
The sexual situation
with the degree of chan
and often with the pow
emerge in the marriage.
ture is that of the mecl
I
FAMILY PROCESS
more profound. The mutual
ps of both about themselves
I but have their roots in pro­
dynamics of their experience
Il!
inal-hysteric marriage adds to
echniques, and tactics exist in
~n implicit contract concerning
modeled in aeoordance with
r
ituations is largely covert (4).
lion are the obsessional's choice
'. He is hostile more by orIDS­
effective technique especially
omprehension of experience is
[ she has been hit. The aggres­
d, is explosive and often as­
and hostility is exaggerated,
.d. Characteristically, it often
mark. This quality of personal
e>ainful to the obsessional be­
r for approval and admiration.
obsessional's distortion of the
ristic absorption and his hyper­
l
t
r
; as follows. The obsessional is
e relationship. He silently suf­
~s, and humiliation of the hys­
:elf-esteem. Covertly, through
thholding operations, he mannarcissism. The very style of
~reate the greatest havoc with
techniques do, at her greatest
iteriC'S role is that of the lively,
~santly hungry for contact to
r anaclitic claims in terms that
~ous indignation and pain over
in effect, a neat critical riposte
ght and good so central to the
JOSEPH BARNETT
/
81
Both, then, engage in the power game, though their motives, and
techniques differ. The obsessional engages in power operations cov­
ertly, and rationalizes them as competence, effectiveness, and reason­
ableness. His power techniques are ultimately in the service of his
narcissism but are given form by his superficial dependency. The
hysteric plays the power game openly and rationalizes it as care, love,
and intimacy. Her power operations are ultimately in the service of
her dependency, but are given form by her superficial narcissism. At
various times during the marriage, one or the other style of power op­
eration becomes more effective and prominent, but at all times both
exist.
The sexual conflicts that occur in the obsessional-hysteric marriage
evolve from the fact that both partners have serious problems with
intimacy and with the ability to collaborate with another towards
goals of mutual satisfaction. The hysteric's fears of affectivity and
her superficial narcissism combine to create the typical picture of
seductive frigidity. Basically fearful of penetration, of her own emo­
tional and sexual responsivity, and of her dependency, she is often
relatively or totally anesthetic to the sexual experience. At the same
time, her conscious needs for attention, admiration, and proof of her
desirability lead her to provocative behavior with men. In some hys­
terics, concern over frigidity may lead to promiscuity in sear~h of
satisfaction, especially where acting out has become a promment
solution to the anxiety of isolation. Anesthetic phenomena may pre­
dispose to sexual masochism where morbid dependency is extreme.
The obsessional also has sexual problems related to his difficulties
with intimacy (5). His shame and fears of exposure limit spontaneity
and emotional expressiveness, which are essential for ideal sexual in­
teraction. His solution is the mechanization of sex, in which he sub­
stitutes performance for expressiveness. The frequent depressions
found in obsessionals may lead to withfuawal or disinterest in sex.
Periodic or even total impotence may occur in some patients. In others,
ruminations may result in retarded ejaculation, while in still others­
whose fears and distrust of women reach almost paranoid proportion­
premature ejaculations may occur.
The sexual situation in the obsessionaJ-hysteric marriage varies
with the degree of character and sexual pathology of each participant
and often with the power structure and patterns of dominance which
emerge in the marriage. In a more-or-Iess typical interaction, the pic­
ture is that of the mechanically adequate, but uninspired male, com­
82 /
JOSEPH BARNETT
FAMILY PROCESS
5. BARNETT, J., "Sexuality in the C
plaining about his reluctant wife who cannot be sufficiently aroused.
His passivity prompts his complaints that she is insufficiently re­
sponsive or active sexually. His fantasied wishes are for active, even
aggressive women, and for fellatio as the total fulfillment of his passive
wishes. The lack of passion, sterility, or tentativeness of his sexual
performances prompts the hysterical partner to feel herself rejected
and unloved. She then attributes her own lack of sexual response to
this rather than to her own anxieties about sex. Her needs for verifica­
tion of her desirability often leads to fantasies of rape or seduction.
Her dissatisfaction with the sexual situation leads the obsessional
partner in turn to doubt his performance and withdraw further from
exposure and sexual intimacy, even to the point of periodic impo­
tence.
m any given marital interaCtion, shifts in the power structure of
the marriage, or in the extent of pathology of either partner, may
cause the situation to improve or deteriorate.
In summary, then, I find that many of the crucial problems of the
obsessional-hysteric marriage are functions of the contrapuntal dy­
namics of the themes of dependency and narcissism, which are central
to the personalities of the partners. These themes are often directly
acted out in the marriage and create the narcissistic and dependent
wounds so typically suffered by the obsessional and hysteric, respec­
tively. They also pattern the nature of the power structure of the
marriage and even contribute to the sexual difficulties that typically
occur. In both individual and marital therapy, an appreciation of
these dynamics aids in clarifying the distortions; the hurts, and the
misunderstandings that increasingly diminish the opportunities for
successful integration of intimacy.
6
.
7.
8.
tion: 25th Anniversary V?lun
in press, Ed. by E. G. Wlte~}.
CHODOFF P. and LYONS, H.,
'Hyste'ric~l' Conversion," Al~
MASKIN, M., personal comroUDl<
SULLIVAN, H. S., Clinical Stud~
Co., 1956.
Reprint requests should be address'
New York, N. Y.l0021.
REFERENCES
1. ACKERMAN, N. W., The Psychodynamics of Family Life, N.Y., Basic
Books, 1958.
2. BARNETT, J., "On Cognitive Disorders in the Obsessional," Contemporary
Psychoanalysis,2: 122-134, 1966.
3. BARNETT, J., "Cognition, Thought and Affect in the Organization of Ex­
perience", Science and Psychoanalysis, Vol. XII, Ed. by J. Masserman,
N.Y., Grone and Stratton, Inc., 1968.
4. BARNETT, J., "On Aggression in the Obsessional Neuroses," Contemporary
Psychoanalysis, 6: 48-57,1969.
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c _
~:~. '_,
o-r
.". - '-<-.
,
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FAMILy PROCESS
be sufficiently aroused.
he is insufficiently re­
les are for active, even
l~ent of his passive
ltiveness of his sexual
to feel herself rejected
~ of sexual response to
Her needs for verifica­
l of rape or seduction.
leads the obsessional
;v.ithdraw further from
lint of periodic impo­
he power structure of
f either partner, may
~ucial problems of the
the contrapuntal dy­
ism, which are central
n~s ~e often directly
SSlStlC and dependent
and hysteric, respec­
lwer structure of the
:culties that typically
, an appreciation of
3, the hurts, and the
he opportunities for
.ily Life, N.Y., Basic
. I"
ilona
, Contemporary
~ Organization of Ex­
Ed. by J. Masserman,
roses," Contemporary
JOSEPH BARNETT
/
83
5. BARNETT, J., "Sexuality in the Obsessional Neuroses," The Third Genera­
tion: 25th Anniversary Volume of the William Alanson White Institute,
in press, Ed. by E. G. Witenberg, N.Y., Basic Books.
6. CHODOFF, P., and LYONS, H., "Hysteria, The Hysterical Personality and
'Hysterical' Conversion," AM. J. of Psychiatry, 114: 734-740,1958.
7. MASKIN, M., personal communication.
8. SULLIVAN, H. S., Clinical Studies in Psychiatry, N.Y., W. W. Norton &
Co., 1956~
Reprint requests should be addressed to Joseph Barnett, M.D., 8 East 77th Street,
New York, N. Y.lOO21.