Key Elements of Respectful Communication
1) CREATE A SAFE ENVIRONMENT
 Recognize when to introduce difficult conversations to invested parties
 Be attuned to the potential for explosive, polarized, confrontational situations – be aware that
some topics are deeply personal and acknowledge the emotion behind engaging in discussion of
them. Acknowledge power differentials that may exist and create a space where people can feel
comfortable to “speak truth to power” (Anita Hill)
 Locate allies
 Find a group moderator or facilitator
 Create a welcoming physical space for engaging in respectful communication
 Small vs. large groups
 Minimal technology (turn off phones)
 Provide writing materials
 Stress that respectful communication is not about I, or you or me, but about we
Creating Safety
Safety starts with empathy.
 Ask permission. One of the best ways to ensure others feel safe is to sincerely ask for
permission before starting a conversation:
“May I talk with you about a concern I have?”
“My reason for bringing it up is that I know you have felt some tension/apprehension
with/about…”
“I would like to help, discuss some concerns. Would that be all right?”
 Apologize when appropriate: if for any reason you made a mistake, own it and apologize as
necessary. Do not fake it or over-apologize.
Creating Safe Places
 Create and sustain ground rules. Don’t interrupt, treat each other with respect, give one another
equal opportunities to speak, convey that it is okay to pass.
 Be an empathetic listener.
 Let people know that silence is ok.
2) DISTINGUISH INTENT FROM IMPACT
Intentions strongly influence our judgments of others: If someone intended to hurt us, we judge them
more harshly than if they hurt us by mistake.
Ask yourself:
 Actions: What did the other person actually say or do?
 Impact: What was the impact of this on me?
 Assumption: Based on the impact, what assumption am I making about what the other person
intended?
Hold your assumptions as a hypothesis, share the impact on you, then inquire about their intentions.
We judge ourselves on our intentions.
We judge others on their actions (words and behaviors).
3) LISTEN WITHOUT JUDGEMENT
“Seek first to understand –then to be understood.” Steven Covey
Active listening demonstrates empathy (it shows you care).
Once someone shares their feelings, value those feelings.
You don’t have to agree -but you should try to understand.
Tips to show you’re being an active listener:
 Stop what you’re doing.
 Don’t interrupt.
 Make eye contact.
 Use body language (adopt a relaxed, open posture; nod your head; use small verbal indicators of
listening.
Listen for not just WHAT is being said, but WHAT IS NOT being said.
4) REFLECT, DON’T REACT
 Take responsibility for your feelings—share them.
 Separate the person from the message.
 Remember what it feels like to WANT to be understood.
 Listen, state back content you feel you heard, and your understanding of it:
“What I am hearing you say is…”
5) ASK CLARIFYING QUESTIONS
Paraphrase—summarize the content of what the person told you, with acknowledgement of the
corresponding emotion that comes with it:
 “So, if I understand you correctly…”
 “Let me know if I’m understanding…”
 “What I’m hearing is…”
Engage in open questioning—asking questions that refrain from guiding a person to an expected
response, but instead prompt them to voluntarily provide the information from their own framework:
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“Can you tell me more about that?”
“So, can you help me understand [the part you don’t understand]?”
“I’m not really sure what your situation is with_________.”
6) STATE YOUR GOALS
Your primary goal shouldn’t be to change the way someone feels.
 State what you would like to see happen.
 Reinforce the safety of the space.
 Contrast your goals: First say what you do not want, then what you do want.
 Restate each other’s positions: this ensures that both parties know exactly what each other
wants, and helps to build both mutual purpose and mutual respect.
7) PURSUE MUTUALLY-BENEFICIAL OUTCOMES
The goal is for both individual to have their needs met. Not to give something up, or to compromise, but
to reach an agreement because the solution you come to together is the best outcome for both of you.
It’s not about win-win, because that language automatically puts us in a place of opposition. The goal is
to hear and see the need behind another person’s request, and to want to meet that need because
ultimately, it is the most beneficial outcome for us, too.