Helping Children Cope with Death
If your child has been affected by a death of a family member, friend or acquaintance, the following
guidelines are designed to assist your family during this difficult time.
Where to Start
Find a place where you can talk quietly and without interruption. You will want to adjust what you say
depending on the age of the child (if you have to talk to several children of different ages at once, start
with language appropriate to the youngest). Whatever the age of the child, use simple, honest language.
Ages 3-6: Children at this age will tend to be especially focused on what the death means to them.
Reassure them by addressing their (often unexpressed) concerns that they will continue to be loved and
cared for. They may not ask how the death occurred, but if they do the rest of the conversation will
depend on your response to that statement. It’s very possible that your child may not have much to say
and even change the subject. A lot of children in this age group see death as sleeping or a temporary or
reversible stage. They also tend to employ “magical thinking” about death. Children in this age group
cannot put their feelings into words and instead react to loss through behaviors such as irritability,
aggression, physical symptoms, difficulty sleeping or regression (bed wetting and thumb sucking.)
Ages 6-12: The older child will be more likely to ask direct questions, yet some children may not want to
talk much at all. Reassure them that they are not responsible for the death and that nothing they said or
did caused it. They understand that death is final and think of the dead person as a spirit, somewhat like a
ghost. This group has difficulty expressing their feelings and may react through behavioral outbursts.
Teenagers: Teens have an adult understanding of the concept of death, but do not have the experiences,
coping skills or behavior of an adult. Developmental issues of independence and separation from parents
can interfere with the ability to receive support from adult family members. Their coping strategies may
create tension with family members, as they try to spend more time with their friends and less time with
family members.
When speaking with teenagers, please keep the following in mind:
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Chances are, if a classmate dies, the incident will be discussed at school and amongst your child’s peers, so tell your
child they do not have the facts and rumors are hurtful. More often than not, the stories your child hears won’t be
accurate and can fuel anxiety.
Find the right time to talk and ensure that it’s relaxed and uninterrupted.
Begin with a simple question or direct statement. “What are your friends saying about what happened?” or “Let’s
talk about what you just saw on the news.” Listen to your teen and follow his or her lead.
Be honest and direct, but careful. Be prepared for lots of questions, or none at all. Clear up any misunderstandings
your child may have and if you don’t have an answer, just admit you don’t know.
Be prepared to be unprepared. There is no way of predicting how your teen will respond to such a tough subject.
The key is to answer any or all questions as they emerge. Let your teen know you are always available to listen.
Teach “Tattling” vs “Reporting.” If the death was a suicide, impress on your teen the importance of telling an adult
with the guarantee that their report will be taken seriously. Telling an adult that someone is hurt or could get in
trouble is not the same as tattling: It’s acting responsibly.
Discuss “Safety Nets.” Identify adults your child feels safe with, other people they can talk to when issues arise.
Stress that people, including school personnel, are always available to help your children or their friends.
What should you do if someone your teen knows, perhaps a family member, friend, or a classmate, has
attempted or committed suicide?
First, acknowledge your child's grief. Teens feel very conflicted and their feelings may be very intense at
times which feels even more overwhelming. It is important to note, talking about suicide with a child does
not give them the idea to contemplate suicide. This is a myth.
Signs of grief in teens:
Lack of concentration
Shock, numbness
Avoidance and retreat
Constant thoughts of the loss
Jealousy aimed at those who have what you do not
Anger
Self blame
Confusion and feeling disoriented, feeling in a fog
Eating too much or too little
Self-destructive, anti-social or criminal behavior
Thinking about suicide
Nervousness
Irritability
Declining grades
Loss of interest in usual activities
Over-activity, being too busy
Wanting to be alone a lot
Deep sadness
Drug/alcohol use/abuse
Risk taking behavior
Promiscuity
Somatic manifestations
It is important for family members and friends of those who die by suicide to know that sometimes there is
no warning and they should not blame themselves.
Other times there are warning signs:
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o
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Talking about committing suicide
Trouble eating or sleeping
Exhibits drastic changes in behavior
Withdraws from friends or school
activities
Loses interest in school, work or hobbies
Gives away prized possessions
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o
o
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Has attempted suicide before
Takes unnecessary risks
Has recently experienced serious losses
Seems preoccupied with death and dying
Loses interest in their personal appearance
Increases or begins alcohol or drug use
Finally, the goal of the communication should be kept in focus to assist children in expressing their feelings
in a safe and supportive environment without trying to alter those feelings. Here are some appropriate
statements to help:
“I am so sorry to hear about your friend’s death. Is there something that I can do that will be helpful?”
“I am so sad to hear about your friend’s death, I can only imagine what you may be going through.”
“I am so sorry that your friend died. Please know that I am here whenever you want to talk or just wish to be
with someone.”
To foster communication, the following should be avoided:
Emphasizing a positive perspective or trying to cheer people up
“I am sure you will feel better soon”
“I know exactly what you are going through”
For further assistance, support services are available within your child’s school.
Free individual, family and group counseling services are also available to all Stonington residents at
Stonington Human Services (860) 535-5015.
www.kidshealth.org; www.afsp.org; www.moms.today.msnbc.com; www.yspp.org; www.phac-aspc.gc.ca