National Association of Fraternal Insurance Counselors
2011 Volume 6 Issue 3
2011-2012 NAFIC
Officers and Directors
contents
3 President’s Message
4 How to Survive When
You’re “1 in 22”
6
9
Reach for the Stars in 2012!
Congratulations to these Additional
2012 NAFIC Award Winners!
10 2012 NAFIC Convention
Information
13 Bambi vs. Godzilla
16 Fraternal Selling Requires
Being Fraternal
17 Congratulations to our New FICs
and FICFs
President
Secretary/Treasurer
William Arden, FICF
Woodmen of the World Life Insurance
PO Box 1538
Victorville, CA 92392
(760) 241-2524
[email protected]
H.E. Durbin MBA CFP CLU CHFC FICF
Thrivent Financial for Lutherans
5200 Warner Ave Ste 107
Huntington Beach, CA 92649
(714) 840-7510
[email protected]
Joseph ‘Jim’ Spinelli Jr, FIC CLU
LUTCF
Knights of Columbus
4211 SW Fourth Ave
Ocala, FL 34471
(352) 873-9417
[email protected]
Paul Hill FIC LUTCF
Catholic Financial Life
610 W. Barber Ave
Livingston, WI 53554
(608) 943-6384
[email protected]
Vice President
Immediate Past President
19 Fraternal News
n afi c s t aff
Anna Maenner, Executive Director
Chuck Maenner, Association Services
Tiffany Chadwick, Membership Services
Amy Hanson, Chapter Services
n afi c o ffi c e
211 Canal Road
Waterloo, WI 53594
866-478-3880
www.nafic.org
[email protected]
FIC Perspective:
Anna Maenner, Editor
Reindl Printing Inc. – Design & Layout
The views and opinions expressed in
the FIC Perspective are those of the
respective authors and not necessarily
those of the National Association of
Fraternal Insurance Counselors, our
Executive Director, our Board of
Directors or our individual members.
2 |
National Association of Fraternal Insurance Counselors
Board of Directors
Patrick F. Braun, FICF CLU LUTCF
First Catholic Slovak Ladies Association
PO Box 628
Whitewater, WI 53190
(262) 893-6675
[email protected]
Joy Collins, FICF
Gleaner Life Insurance Society
6616 Monroe Street #6
Sylvania, OH 43560
(414) 882-0080
[email protected]
Randall Kolarik, FIC LUTCF
Western Fraternal Life Association
6975 County Road X
Denmarrk, WI 54208
(920) 863-1443
[email protected]
Robert Cooper, FICF
Modern Woodmen of America
158 Stevens Drive
Macon, GA 31210
(478) 474-0069
[email protected]
James Dietrich, FIC AFA
FaithLife Financial
PO Box 1197
Martinsville,SK S0K 2T0
(306) 931-7625
[email protected]
Michael Bredeck, FICF
Catholic United Financial
903 Third Avenue
Madison, MN 56256
(800) 504-6805
[email protected]
President’s
Message
Merry Christmas!
2011 has gone by quickly. It’s time to wrap up unfinished business
and prepare for a new year. I hope you all had a very successful 2011!
As you plan your 2012 calendar… remember to block off May 9 – 11
to attend the NAFIC Convention in Las Vegas! This convention
is the best deal out there…quality speakers at a great venue for
an affordable price. If you’ve attended before, you know that
this convention has a different feel…it’s personal and fraternal
all in one. We want each and every one of you to experience the
difference!
William Arden, FICF
If you follow Facebook, please check out NAFIC’s page. It’s where
we’ll post the latest information on what’s happening across the
nation including Convention updates.
If you still need CE credits, don’t forget about your free
subscription (with your NAFIC membership) to www.kruise.
com. You only pay state filing fees…NAFIC covers the subscription
($39.95 value). It’s easy and reasonable to get your CE through
Sandi Kruise.
From our family to yours – we wish you a joyous Christmas and a
Happy New Year!
Fraternally,
William Arden
William Arden, FICF
NAFIC President
2011 Volume 6 Issue 3
| 3
How to Survive
when you’re
1
22
“ in
”
BY Michael R Heidtbrink,
ChFC, LUTCF, FIC
Financial Consultant
Thrivent financial
for Lutherans
I
have been coaching basketball at the high school level
for over 30 years. (That’s me on the fire truck door
when we were the red hot Lutheran High Knights,
San Diego, 20-6 in 1985.) With one Division Title and
7 League Titles I’m having what most would consider to
be a successful coaching career. So what, you might ask,
prompted me to write an article entitled “How to survive
when you’re 1-22?”
Allow me to explain. Having just returned from a sales
convention which featured the usual buffet of motivational
speakers, I was prompted to reflect on the “relate-ability”
of some of the messages I’d just heard. After all, how
many of you plan to climb Mt. Everest, win the NBA
championship or survive two months after getting lost in
the rain forest with nothing but dental floss, three matches
and a bloodhound named Bob? Great stuff, but these
4 | National Association of Fraternal Insurance Counselors
people are exceptional human beings. I found it difficult
to relate to their level of success. I’m an optimist, and
I tell my kids anything is possible … but let’s face it – at
56 years of age I don’t think there’s a snowballs’ chance
in Bakersfield that I’m going to be playing for the NBA
anytime soon. The purpose of this article, therefore, is
twofold: to examine the ways in which average folk deal
with adversity, and to perhaps give some insight into
looking past the problems and motivating ourselves to
work through them. We are involved in a very stressful
and volatile profession which challenges us at every turn
as often as it rewards us. You may find this article helpful
if you feel you’re “one in twenty-two” right now, or even
12 - 11 for that matter.
I chose this title after my last basketball season. My
team was comprised of some really great, dedicated,
hard-working kids, but we ended our season with
only 1 win and 22 losses. What set the stage was the
ineligibility of 4 out of my top 6 players due to various
academic and personal reasons. For the players that
remained, and for myself, the season looked bleak –
“one in twenty-two “ bleak.
I had enough maturity and had experienced enough
success over the years to realize that many things in
life are cyclic: in order to achieve winning seasons
you will ultimately have an occasional “1 in 22”. My
players didn’t have such history to draw on, and I
found the ways they chose to deal with the adversity
of our situation fell into one of four catagories,
which I found, ironically, paralleled some of our
business practices:
#1. “The Quitters” – Of the four Seniors on the
team, three quit about halfway through the season.
We’ve all heard the old adage, “When the going gets
tough the tough get going”, but the antithesis is also true:
“When the going gets tough, the weak or uncommitted
quit.” These players simply didn’t have the passion it
took to play the game.
#2 “The Hotheads/Blamers” – When times are tough,
some players get angry and make it everyone else’s
fault. I had one player who was constantly right at the
boiling point. During one game he got two technicals
and was benched by the basketball federation for two
games. In addition, he was required to take an anger
management course. Sadly, he still didn’t seem to take
much responsibility for his actions, and although he
loved basketball, he lacked the maturity to understand
that winning isn’t everything and that sometimes his
attitude was his own worst enemy.
#3 “The Cruisers” – A few of my
players would show up, go through
the motions of the drills and games,
but exhibit no real growth; a “Que
Sera Sera” attitude. It was one way
to cope, but they were really only
occupying space on the floor and not
benefitting themselves or the team to
any great extent.
#4 – The MVP (Most Valuable
Player) – One young man showed
up at every practice ready to grow.
During games he gave 110% on the
floor and seldom, if ever, did I hear
him complain. If we needed another
player to fill in for the J.V. squad, he
was ready to go, and therefore some
days played two full games. He was
my MVP, even though he didn’t
have the most points made or the
greatest number of rebounds. What
he did have was solid stats, a sterling
attitude, a golden work ethic and a
love for what he was doing. Going
into each game, he had a pretty good
idea we were not going to score many
points, but he also understood what
UCLA Head Basketball Coach John
Wooden meant when he said, “As
long as you try your best, you are
never a failure.”
You don’t have to walk too far down
the road to draw parallels to our
business. The first reality is that there
will be times when we will be facing
a “One in twenty two” situation. The
software from home office doesn’t
work, our clients don’t want to meet,
instead of top level production we’re
only average, or can barely keep our
heads above water. The choice comes
in the way in which we handle it.
If you find you are ready to throw in
the towel and become a “Quitter” it
may be time to cast an eye backwards
and revisit one of the sweeter eras in
our career. Visualize what it was that
created a passion for this business in
the first place, recreate that energy
and thrive on it. Make a list of those
things which drew you into this
profession and focus on reawakening
those elements, be it providing for
your own family or the satisfaction
of helping others achieve monetary
security.
For those “Hotheads/Blamers”
in the crowd (myself included),
know that you are definitely not
alone. We all deal with compliance
and underwriting issues, constant
rejection, and a barrage of frustrating
paperwork on a daily basis. Our
choice comes in whether we go
home to kick the dog and yell at our
families, blame the software and
send snipey emails to home office,
or instead, find ways to diffuse and
de-stress within our own skin. My
personal balm is to spend a few
moments in introspection with
the assistance of a good devotional
book and prayer. (My favorite: One
Minute Businessman’s Devotional
by Mike Murdock.) A healthy diet,
exercise and adequate sleep equip us
physically to meet the negatives wellarmed, which makes it less necessary
to find a scapegoat. Surround
yourself with “positive reminders”
in the form of signage, sticky notes
and uplifting office help. Focus on
your A-list clients – those you enjoy
working with – and don’t allow
negative influences to dictate your
outlook on life.
The Cruisers are probably the largest
group in the financial industry
right now. After all, we can’t all be #1
agents, especially in this economy,
right? It’s so much easier to fall into
that rut of mediocrity and do just
enough to stay afloat. This calls into
question, however, if it’s even the
morally correct thing to do. In the
biblical “Parable of the Talents” the
point is made by Jesus that “To those
whom much has been given, much
will be required.” We can allow this
to seem like a big guilt trip until we
realize that it is when we are reaching
for our maximum potential that
we are the most fulfilled as human
beings, and in working towards the
happiness of others that we find the
true, sustainable joy in life. If we find
ourselves stagnating, we have at our
fingertips an abundance of resources
to enable us to grow both personally
and intellectually in the form of
workshops, teleconferences, national
events such as NAFIC and MDRT,
online courses and the support of
our home offices. If we fail to take
advantage of these, it’s truly a choice
we’ve consciously made and not the
lack of it.
In a perfect world we all are striving
to be the MVP. While it may be true
we can’t all be #1 in the nation, just
as we can’t all climb Mount Everest
or play in the NBA, we can use such
goals as a way to keep our perspective
and measure our growth and
progress. By our conscious efforts to
do our best, we can maintain solid
stats, a sterling attitude, a golden
work ethic and a passion for what we
are doing. By refining the meaning of
the word “success” we can realize that
as long as we are growing, focusing
positively and finding happiness in
our work, we will achieve what we’ve
set out to do. To summarize once
again, in the words of Coach John
Wooden:
“The road to real achievement is
usually bumpy and long, but you do
not give up. You may have setbacks.
You may have to start over. You may
have to change your method. You
may have to go around, or over, or
under. You may have to back up and
get another start. But do not quit. You
stay the course.”
May God bless your success and
achievements this year… and by
the way, I can’t wait until my next
basketball season. We’re going after a
22-1 season next year!
2011 Volume 6 Issue 3
| 5
Reach for
the stars
IN 2012!
“If you reach for the stars, you might not
quite get one, but you won’t end up with a
handful of mud, either.”
T
By JOHN KLOCKE, FICF
Catholic United Financial
hese words from Leo Burnett, known for his success
in the advertising game are quite true when we
come to the subject of goal-setting. C.S. Lewis,
famous author and philosopher said the same thing in a bit
different way. He said, “‘Aim at heaven and you get earth
thrown in. Aim at earth and you get neither.” The common
philosophy to both of these quotes is the basis of goal
setting and this article. We must set the bar high when we
begin the process of achieving our goals. If a goal does not
challenge us or stretch us, it will not be exciting to us and
we won’t grow as individuals.
How high will you set the bar in the coming new year?
Will this be your best year ever? With a positive process of
goal-setting it could be. With the proper process, you can
achieve more in every area of your life. In this article I am
going to supply you with the basic pillars of goal setting
success. Follow these basics and I can guarantee you that
your next year as a fraternal life insurance representative
will exceed your expectations. Strap on your goal setting
gear and let’s get GOALING!
A wish is just a wish until you write it down.
It’s true. You can have a dream or wish to lose 10 pounds,
find the perfect spouse or grow in your relationship with
God. If you want to accomplish anything you have to write
it down. Want to double sales in your insurance
business? Write it down. Want to sign up ten
6 | National Association of Fraternal Insurance Counselors
more new members than last year?
Write it down. In fact, right now, get
out a piece of paper and pen as you
read this article, if it inspires you to
set some new goals for 2012, you’ll
have the tools you need to start the
goal setting process by writing these
goals down.
When you write down a goal there
are some key points to remember
on how to write it down. When we
write down a goal we make a mental
connection between our thoughts
and our actions. How we write the
goal can help us to achieve it. Here
are some guidelines that can help:
1. Write your goal statement
in a way that is specific and
measurable. If you want to earn
more next year, be specific about
the amount. How much more do
you want to earn?
2. Write your goal statement
as though it has already been
completed. If you want to
increase your number of new
members by 10% your goal
would read - I have increased
membership by 10%. This gives
the goal a feeling of positive
expectancy which is energizing to
you when you read it.
3. Give your goal a deadline.
When are you going to get it done
by? This goes back to your goal
being measurable.
In summary your goal statements
should be specific, measurable,
written as though completed and
have a deadline. You now have 80%
of what you need to be successful in
setting goals. Now let’s talk about the
other 20% that I call the master steps
in goal setting.
Daily review makes all the
difference.
This simple step is very often not
incorporated into a goal setting
program. Those who do incorporate
it find their level of success
phenomenal and you will too. Are
you ready for it? Each day, get out
your list of goals and review them.
Read through each goal and then
close your eyes and visualize what
it will look like for that goal to be
complete. This visualization step not
only keeps you focused on your goals
on a daily basis but it can re-energize
you when you think of all the good
that will come to you as you imagine
that goal being complete. Most of
us will have 10-15 major goals for a
year at most. Spending ten minutes
reviewing these goals will guarantee
you a higher level of success. Arthur
Clark said, “The moon is the first
milestone on the road to the stars.”
The Power of Prayer
When I set goals I also feel better if I
take them to God in prayer. I want to
make sure that my goals are His goals
too. With God blessing my work each
day, I have a spiritual confidence to
what I do. If you have not been in
the habit of praying daily, it may take
some time to develop. But I feel so
much better when I have turned over
my goals to God. If He knows what
I am aiming for, what better partner
could I have? God already knows my
needs and my desires. Asking for his
help makes me confident and makes
Him well pleased.
It’s about balance.
Do you know anyone who is all work
and no play? Someone who racks
up award after award for his work
but can’t seem to keep a marriage
working or a fitness plan going? Do
you know someone who is restless all
the time unless they are working on a
case, presenting a case, wrapping up
a case or collecting commission on a
case. We’ve all had periods I’m sure
when we got so wrapped up in work
we missed the rest of the important
things going on in our lives. I know
I have.
When you set goals by writing
them down and regularly reviewing
them, you activate a very powerful
force. That’s why it’s important to
set goals in all areas of your life.
You can’t spend all of your time on
fitness and working out, because you
have to earn your daily bread. And
yet you can’t spend all of your time
and energy on your work, or you
might neglect your spouse, kids or
grandkids. And you can’t spend every
waking hour with your family (even
though I’d love to try) because you
have to work, workout, eat, sleep, and
many other things.
When I set goals for each year I
do it by category. We each would
categorize our lives in a different way
and that’s no problem. We each have
a different set of priorities and at any
given point in our lives our priorities
might change as well. Here are the
key life areas I usually group my goals
around:
1. Spiritual. My faith life is
important and goals related to
building my faith are the bedrock
for everything else.
2. My relationships. I have
important people in my life. My
wife, my children, my parents
and extended family and my
friends. I set goals to keep those
relationships healthy.
3. Health and Fitness. Awfully
hard to have a good sales career if
you are sick, or disabled because
you didn’t take care of your
health. I set regular exercise, diet
and strength training goals.
2011 Volume 6 Issue 3
| 7
4. Career. What are my goals for
my insurance business? How
much do I want to earn and how
will I do it?
5. Finance. I set goals every year
to manage my finance. Debt
repayment, investing, insurance
and budgeting income and
expense are important.
6. Leisure and avocations.
These are the goals that center
around how I use my spare time.
What do I do for fun? You’ve
heard of fun haven’t you?
So those are the key areas I use. You
may have more categories or less
or you may name them differently,
but the bottom line is, we need to
lead a balanced life and take care of
each key area. If we don’t, we can get
burned out in one area or two while
the other key areas wither due to
lack of planning.
When I meet with families to help
them with their insurance or saving
planning it’s always pretty apparent
which families have set goals in
this area and which ones haven’t.
Those who have made it a point to
save money or protect their families
generally have a peace of mind.
The past does not equal
the future.
Success guru, Tony Robbins has
always used the phrase, “the
past does not equal the future.”
According to Robbins, because
something happened last year does
not guarantee it will happen again
this year. We can change things for
the better by setting goals. And by
the same token if we don’t set new
goals each year, we run the risk of
getting the same result that we got
last year. They say the definition of
8 | National Association of Fraternal Insurance Counselors
insanity is doing the same thing over
and over and expecting different
results. I think that the past is a
spring board into the future and
goal setting determines the speed
and height to which we can dive
into the new year. We can learn
from the past by regularly reviewing
the results of our goal setting. We
can see what has worked and what
hasn’t and then we can re-shape
our goals to take advantage of what
we’ve learned. I like to continually
improve on my phone calling, my
approach, my referral building, my
product presentation skills and my
continuing education.
A word on persistency.
Cecille B. Demille, the great
filmmaker once said, “The person
who makes a success of living is the
one who sees his goal steadily and
aims for it unswervingly.” Persistence
is the final key to success when we
do regular goal setting. Whether
its persistence in making the
right number of phone calls for
appointments or conducting those
appointments, we need to “keep
on keeping on” in order to achieve
success. To not persist in our efforts
is to run the risk of stopping just
short of the biggest case we’ve
ever had.
Rome wasn’t built in a day.
We’ve heard what a difference a
day makes. But we also know that
we can’t always do everything in a
day. Perspective is the flip side of
persistence. While we need to be
persistent, we also need to be able to
step back and look at a longer time
horizon forward and backward to
get a true sense of how we are doing.
While we may not have made our
goals today, if we look back at our
accomplishments for the week, we
can see that we did better than the
week before. And if we think back
to where we were last year at this
same time we might feel we are light
years ahead of where we were. So
make sure to judge your results with
perspective before getting down on
yourself today. Look at where you’ve
been and look at where you are
heading. Our success is a trend line
over a long period of time.
So as you prepare for the coming
year in 2012, think about the key
areas of your life. Write down goals
for each area. Make those goals
specific, measurable and give them
a deadline. Write them in the past
tense as though they have been
accomplished. Regularly review
your goals, pray on them, persist
in them and have the proper long
term perspective. I wish for you an
exciting new level of success and a
new level of balance. Have a Happy
New Year!
Here are some of my other favorite
goal setting quotes:
‘Life is too short to be small.’
— Benjamin Disraeli
‘Hitch your wagon to a star.’
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
‘We aim above the mark to hit the
mark.’
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
‘Obstacles are those frightful
things you see when you take your
eyes off your goal.’
— Henry Ford
‘It is not enough to take steps
which may someday lead to a
goal; each step must be itself a
goal and a step likewise.’
— Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
‘You can’t rest unless you set goals
that make you stretch.’
— Tom Hopkins
Congratulations
t o t h e s e addi t i o n al 2 0 1 1 N A F I C A ward W i n n e r s !
T
he National Association of Fraternal Insurance
Counselors recognizes its members who provide
outstanding service to their Society members.
The Quality Service Award recognizes those who maintain
at least 90% persistency covering issued life insurance
production of $1 million or more on at least 25 paid
applications.
The Production Award recognizes those who have attained
certain levels of first-year earned commissions for issued
Thrivent Financial for Lutherans
Member............................Award
Sherryl Adair FIC..................... Chairman
Michael Adler FIC.................... President QS
Steve Allen FIC......................... Chairman QS
Robert Alspaugh FIC, CFP...... Chairman QS
James Aman FIC, CHFC,
LUTCF................................... QS
Galen Anderson FIC, LUTCF.. President QS
Jeffrey Arnett FIC..................... Gold QS
Steven Asche FIC, CLU,
CHFC . .................................. Chairman QS
Anthony Augenstein FIC,
LUTCF................................... President QS
Daniel Bacon FIC..................... President QS
Steven Baker FIC...................... QS
Mark Baker FIC........................ Gold QS
Larry Barcel FIC....................... Silver QS
Dennis Barry Jr FIC.................. President QS
Joan Bartz FIC........................... President QS
Curtis Baumgard FIC............... Silver QS
Diane Beckmann FICF............ Silver QS
Larry Behnken FIC CLU
CHFC LUTCF....................... Chairman QS
Marci Bentz FIC....................... QS
life insurance production of $1 million or more on at least
25 paid applications.
Bronze - $20,000; Silver - $32,000; Gold - $50,000;
Platinum - $65,000; President’s Award - $80,000
Chairman’s Council is a special recognition for those who
have achieved $125,000 in first year earned commissions.
Awards are based on information provided by the agent’s
Society. Not all Fraternal Societies choose to participate in
the Awards Program.
Scott Bingham FIC CLU
CHFC CFP RHU................... Platinum QS
Eric Brady FIC LUTCF............. Chairman QS
Marlin Brandt FIC.................... QS
Richard Brathovde FIC
CFP........................................ Chairman QS
Randolph Bressner FIC
LUTCF................................... QS
David Brown FIC...................... Chairman
Darcy Brown FIC CHFC.......... Silver QS
Roger Bunger FIC CLU
CHFC..................................... President QS
Randall Campbell FIC............. President QS
Justin Carlson FIC.................... Gold QS
Bryan Clendenen FIC.............. President QS
Stephen Cochell FIC LUTCF.. Gold QS
Shad Connor FIC CFP
LUTCF................................... Chairman QS
William Crocker FIC LUTCF.. Platinum QS
Donald Dale FIC LUTCF......... Gold QS
Bruce Dennison FIC LUTCF... President QS
John Drafall FIC LUTCF.......... President QS
Craig Duckworth FIC.............. QS
Patrick Duensing FIC
LUTCF................................... Gold QS
William Duesterbeck FIC
LUTCF................................... Silver QS
Gregg Duncan FIC CFP........... QS
Mark Eickmann FIC................ Silver QS
Sharon Eilertson FIC............... President QS
Carl Etzler FIC.......................... Chairman QS
James Everts FIC....................... Bronze QS
Carsten Falkenberg FIC
CLU CHFC CFP.................... Chairman QS
Mark Fischer FIC CLU
CHFC LUTCF....................... QS
Andrew Flanscha FIC
LUTCF................................... President
Timothy Flitter FIC LUTCF..... QS
Mark Follett FIC CLU
LUTCF CFP........................... Chairman QS
Timothy Fraser FIC.................. Gold QS
Janet Fritz FIC........................... QS
Alan Fronke FIC....................... Chairman QS
Jeffrey Frost FIC CLU
LUTCF................................... President QS
Scott Fuhrman FICF CLU
CHFC RHU........................... President QS
Charlotte Ghazarian FIC
CLU CHFC LUTCF.............. Platinum QS
(Continued on page 18)
2011 Volume 6 Issue 3
| 9
Dates: May 9 – 11, 2012
Location: Golden Nugget, Las Vegas
Book a Room: http://goldennugget.com/specials/eblasts/nafic.htm
Room rates from $55
Featured Speakers:
“This convention isn’t about being big; it’s about being better. This
meeting is an intimate setting that allows us to ask questions, to
grow and to learn.”
Dr. Charles Petty Dr. Bruce Christopher
– Bo Keltner CLU, CLF, FIC, LUTCF
Modern Woodmen of America
“It is the Fraternal insurance industry that sets this convention
apart. The entire event gives you the opportunity to see the bigger
picture… it’s more than just my Society.”
Joseph Jordan
Calvin Jones
Coach Don Meyer
Coach Greg Roeszler
– Jeff Shinaberry CFP, CLU, CHFC, LUTCF
Thrivent Financial for Lutherans
“There were a lot of ideas from professional presenters and the
concepts were put in a language that insurance agents could
understand and in turn they could pass along to their clients.”
– John Gonsiorek FIC, CSA, CLTC, LUTCF, CAS
First Catholic Slovak Ladies Association
For more information, visit www.nafic.org.
10 | National Association of Fraternal Insurance Counselors
2011 Volume 6 Issue 3
| 11
12 | National Association of Fraternal Insurance Counselors
Bambi vs.
Godzilla
By Psychologist, bruce Christopher
D
ifficult people are
everywhere! They can be
our co-workers, customers,
supervisors, neighbors, and even
family members. Difficult personality
types can drain us of our energy and
move us from a positive position to a
negative state of mind very quickly.
Many of us would like to avoid
interacting with difficult people,
or even worse, we can’t help but
react to them with frustration and
defensiveness.
Imagine this scenario, you are
sitting in a dental office reception
room waiting calmly for your
appointment. Then, a well dressed
professional looking man walks
into the waiting area, strolls up to
the receptionist and says, “Good
afternoon, My name is Mr. Jones,
I am here for my three o’clock
appointment.” The receptionist
greets him warmly, looks down
into her scheduling book, turns
the page, looks up and says, “Mr.
Jones, I can see here that your
appointment is for next Thursday at
three o’clock, not today.”
“What?!”, he explodes, “Do you think
I’m incompetent and don’t know how
to read a calendar!! What is your
name young lady?! I’m going to talk
to the doctor about you and your
employment!!!”
I asked an audience in one of my
corporate seminars the question of
why there are difficult people, and
why do they do what they do? With
quick wit, a woman exclaimed,
“Because they are evil!” Though it
may feel that way sometimes, in
actuality, difficult people do what
they do for a very strategic reason.
Think about the dental office story;
why would this man explode in front
of the receptionist in this manner?
Because more likely than not, she
is going to try to fit him into the
schedule that day. You see,
difficult people do what they
do, not because they are evil,
but because it works.
It is a strategy of problem-solving
which they learned in childhood and
carry into their adult relationships.
Much of our personality development
is a result of how we learned to
handle conflict as children. In our
preceding example, Mr. Jones most
likely figured out as a child, that a
way to handle conflict and get his
needs met is by throwing a tempertantrum. His behavior in the dental
office is a micro-cosm of how he
attempts to solve problems as an
adult. Probably he explodes in the
other relationships of his life as well;
he explodes at his kids, his wife, and
his co-workers. He has become
an EXPLODER.
The first rule of thumb to realize
when encountering a difficult person
is to understand that they are not
evil; they are simply displaying
for you their primary defense
mechanism and their unconscious
strategy of getting their needs met.
It is unconscious because most often,
the individual is blind to their own
behavior. You may recall talking to an
exploder in your life and pointing out
to them that they are yelling at you.
“I am not yelling!!!!”, they may shout
as their volume escalates even more.
How do we deal with these difficult
personality types? Can we change
them? The answer to the second
question is no. You cannot change
someone else; in fact, the more
you try to change them, the more
resistant they will become to
your efforts.
Though you cannot change difficult
people, you can deal with them by
employing the technique of what
I call “The Surprise Effect.” The
Surprise Effect means four things;
first, it means that you can do the
exact opposite of what people expect
you to do, second, it means you can
take control of your own responses,
third, it means you can be proactive
with people and not reactive, and
fourth, it means you can interrupt
frustrating and dysfunctional
patterns of behavior in relationships.
This works because most
interpersonal interactions have an
expected routine or outcome. For
example, the expected outcome of
anger is defensiveness. If someone
explodes at me with anger, you
can pretty much expect that I will
become defensive and may even
explode back.
On the flip side, what if instead of
buying into the expected argument,
I could re-script my own responses
2011 Volume 6 Issue 3
| 13
and do something totally unexpected
and unanticipated? That would
result in a different outcome!
In my seminar, I ask a volunteer from
the audience to help me demonstrate
the power of the Surprise Effect. I ask
my helper to stand facing me with
about two feet distance between us.
We put both our hands up, palms
facing forward, and on the count of
three we will apply pressure on each
other’s hands, trying to cause the
other to loose their balance. However,
these directions are a set up from
me. Instead of pushing back on my
“opponent” as he or she expects, I
do the opposite by pulling my hands
back at the last moment. The result
is invariably that the other person
falls forward, losing their balance
while I stay centered, balanced, and
empowered. I have surprised them by
doing the exact opposite of what they
have expected me to do.
Great communicators know how to
do this intuitively. Instead of buying
into the expected routine or outcome,
they change the rules of the game by
employing the Surprise Effect. If you
can do it, the Surprise Effect allows
you to stay centered and balanced,
while your antagonist will lose center
and balance.
For example, during a planning
meeting you are giving a presentation
about current trends in your industry.
Right in the middle of your speech,
one of your competitors yells out,
“You know, you are really full of
S __ __ __!” What would you do or
say? The expected response might be
for most of us to become defensive,
or worse yet, maybe even reactive and
yell back, “Well, you are too buddy!”
But imagine using a Surprise Effect
to do the exact opposite of what your
rival expects you to do -- perhaps you
could use humor and say, “That is an
amazing insight, most people take
months to reach that conclusion,
14 | National Association of Fraternal Insurance Counselors
you came to it in only 45 minutes.”
This is actually a true story. It worked
wonderfully; everyone laughed and
the dialogue opened up to a more
receptive audience.
how bad things can get around
here. They often feel powerless to
do anything about it, so they tend to
complain and throw a “wet blanket”
on new and good ideas.
The Surprise Effect shows us that
we cannot change or control other
people, but we can change and
control our responses in any difficult
situation. It helps us to see that we
can interrupt the pattern of expected
outcomes which difficult personality
types are often counting upon.
Fifth on the list are SUPERAGREEABLE CHARMERS; they are
socially seductive and charming, yet
tend to be super unreliable. Because
of their high need for approval
and fear of rejection, they tend to
become accommodating and may
often over-extend themselves trying
to meet other people’s needs. But in
the process may begin to “drop the
ball” on personal and professional
commitments and will attempt
to use social charm as a way to
distract attention away from the
broken promise.
There are six basic difficult
personality types. Remember that
these personality types are really
defense mechanisms which the
individual developed in childhood
as a way to deal with conflict or get
their needs met.
Let me introduce them briefly to you.
First are the TANKS & EXPLODERS;
these are the intimidating and
aggressive personality types which
use power to demand that their needs
be met. Exploders often believe that
no one will listen to them unless they
blow up!
Second, are the SNIPERS; these
people use sarcastic and cutting
jokes to distract attention from
their own feelings of insecurity or
incompetence onto a more likely
target. They use humor to get in a dig
at someone else.
Next are the KNOW-IT-ALLS; they
believe that “to be right is to be liked”,
so they use intellectualism to impress
others and gain status. They tend to
be group dominators and may grasp
for the spotlight in staff meetings.
Then come the WET-BLANKETS
& FIRE-HOSERS; these are the
complainers and chronically
pessimistic/negative individuals in
our personal and professional lives.
They tend to be missionaries of
misery and like to point out to others
Finally, are the CLAMS &
INDECISIVES; they tend to clamup in the face of risk. In the sense
that they are perfectionists and fear
failure, their strategy is to lay back
and remain indecisive in the hope
that someone else will take the risk
and decide for them.
It is essential to note that these are
simple defense mechanisms which
people use in a pressure situation.
We can all be found in some degree
in each of these defensive strategies.
When the pressure is on, some of
us clam up, some of us explode, and
some of us try to charm our way out.
Many of us have a primary style with
which we are most comfortable, and
this integrates into our personality
and becomes a way we handle
conflict as an adult.
I encourage the people in my seminar
to come up with a “Behavioral Map”
which they can use whenever they
encounter a difficult personality
type. Your “Map” can include two
columns for each of the six difficult
personalities. Take six pieces of
paper, label each sheet of paper at
the top with the six personality types
outlined in this article. Draw a line down the middle of
each sheet; label the left-hand column “What I Should
Not Do” and label the right-hand column “Surprise
Effects.”
It is possible to restructure interpersonal events by being
prepared with a Surprise Effect. For example, a few years
ago I was living in an apartment complex and I had
recently taken up a new hobby of boating. So I purchased
a boat. While having no place to store my boat, I asked
the management of the apartment complex if I could
temporarily take up two parking spaces to pull in my boat
until I found adequate space. No problem they said.
One night while parking my boat, a car squeals into the
lot and an irate gentleman begins to explode at me, “I
can’t believe you are taking up two spaces!! You know,
we pay rent here too!!!”
I remembered my training on the Surprise Effect;
I calmly waited until he was finished and then I
surprised him by saying, “Sir you are absolutely right.”
The change which came over his face was amazing! “I
am?”, he said. “Yes”, I continued, “I realize that you pay
rent here too and that there are too few spaces; but I want
you to know that I got permission from the management
to do this and that it is a very temporary situation.” At
the end of our brief conversation, he literally said, “Well…
okay, and I’ll watch the boat for you.”
In less than two minutes he went from being my
antagonist to being my ally and protecting my property!
Why did this happen? Because I surprised him by
doing the exact opposite of what he expected me to do.
He was anticipating my defensiveness and anger, while
instead I listened and acknowledged his feelings of
frustration. I didn’t try to change him or talk him out of
his anger, but rather, I controlled and changed my own
responses.
There are many Surprise Effects which you can employ
in any situation and with all of the six basic difficult
personality types. I encourage you to have fun and think
up two or three effective Surprise Effects which you can
apply with the difficult people you interact with in your
personal and professional life.
To jump start your thinking in the right direction, can
you pick out the best course of action using a Surprise
Effect for each of the four scenarios in the sidebar?
You can see Psychologist Bruce Christopher at the 2012
NAFIC Convention in Las Vegas. Visit his website at
www.bcseminars.com.
What would you do. . . ?
You are a customer service rep. for ABC Company, Inc. During
an appointment, one of your client’s angrily explodes at you. To
diffuse his anger, you should…
a)Explode back
b) Tell him that what he is saying is so important that you’d like to
get a notebook and take down all his concerns
c)Explain your side of the story
d) Cry and show how much his anger hurts you
What would you do. . . ?
During a staff meeting, one of your colleagues tells a joke
about you to the rest of the group. They all laugh, but you feel
cut down and hurt. You should…
a)Laugh and pretend that it didn’t hurt at all
b)Tell a joke back on that person
c) Look directly at that person and say in a loud voice, “Stop it!”
d)Get her alone and ask if she really feels that way about you
What would you do. . . ?
After working all day long, then cooking and serving dinner, you
ask dad & kids to help out by cleaning the dishes. They promise
to help, but night after night your request goes unheeded. You
feel angry, frustrated, and resentful. You should…
a)Immediately start to nag
b)Throw away all the dishes (except your own place setting) and
cheerfully let them eat off paper plates with plastic utensils
c) Threaten to leave the family unless they buckle down & help
d)Ground the kids & give your husband the “cold shoulder”
What would you do. . . ?
You are at work, you notice the company “Wet-Blanket” coming
toward you. She corners you & says, “Things are soooo bad
around here! The morale stinks! All everyone does is complain,
complain, complain!” You should…
a)Say: “It’s not so bad, cheer up!”
b)Say: “You might be right, why don’t you come up with some
ideas and proposals about what we can do about
it and let’s bring them to our supervisor”
c) Say: “Well, things may be bad, but I’m going to have a great day
anyway!”
d)Say: “Ooooh, I am so sorry for you. Tell me more about your
feelings and how I can help you.”
(Answers on page 19)
2011 Volume 6 Issue 3
| 15
Fraternal Selling
Requires Being
Fraternal
I
have always loved one thing
in particular about the life
insurance business. That is the
fact that, at the end of each year,
regardless of how good or bad that
year was, the salesperson’s slate
is wiped clean and a brand new
year appears! This is unique to
the profession of selling. It is an
opportunity to sit down and take
stock. What have I accomplished?
What goals did I achieve? What are
my goals for the new year? How can I
get better at what I do?
Starting over can be viewed as
good or bad, depending on the
salesperson. The optimist looks
forward to the challenge. But, if
the last year was great and records
were set, it’s just hard to let go and
start from zero again. Having sold
for a commercial company as well
as several fraternal societies, I can
personally testify that facing the
new challenge at the beginning
of the year is a lot tougher with
a commercial insurer! I have
tried to analyze why and what I
keep coming up with is the basic
difference between selling for
a commercial company and a
fraternal society.
16 | National Association of Fraternal Insurance Counselors
Commercial sales people have a
job. They are in it for the money.
There is nothing wrong with that,
after all, we’re not communists.
But, when you compare this one
dimensional view with the view of
a committed fraternal salesperson,
you quickly discover that the latter
has some tremendous advantages.
First and foremost, selling for a
fraternal society, because of its tax
exempt status, can offer a lot more
satisfaction. Yes, the money is there,
in proportion to effort, as in any sales
profession, but the ability to give
back to clients through the various
fraternal benefits and charitable
programs provides a “psychic
income” which cannot be matched
in the commercial insurance world.
Selling for a fraternal society also
helps the salesperson with the
number one problem which he
or she will always have which is
finding people to sell to! A fraternal
lodge provides a continuous way
of meeting people in a friendly,
non-threatening manner. If the
salesperson not only attends the
lodge events but also pitches in to
help plan and run them, he or she
gains stature with the officers and
members and
these people will
be more willing
to recommend
prospects for the
society’s products
and membership
in the lodge.
Obviously, the
By Patrick F. Braun,
benefit to the lodge FICF CLU LUTCF
is a constant flow First Catholic Slovak
of incoming new Ladies Association
members and the
benefit to the salesperson is the
opportunity to meet new people in a
low key, friendly environment. It is
a fact that lodges which have active,
interested salespeople affiliated with
them thrive, and lodges without
these salespeople wither and close as
membership dwindles.
But it is also a fact that it is difficult
to “fake” fraternalism because
fraternalism is more of a way of life
than a prospecting or sales strategy.
It is more than attending chicken
dinners and hoping for leads.
Fraternalism is involvement and
proactive leadership! It is helping
find other fraternal minded people,
bringing them into the lodge and
inspiring them to participate. It
is standing up when the lodge
president asks for volunteers to help
with the fundraiser or the youth
activity. It is working in the kitchen,
manning the booth, selling the
raffle tickets and doing these things
with zeal and good cheer. In short,
it is being an integral part of the
lodge’s fiber. The rewards to both
the salesperson and the lodge are
wonderful when this attitude
is taken.
As we enter 2012 and make our goals
for the year, I would encourage
every fraternal salesperson to get
involved with one or more lodges
and take advantage of all the
opportunities the fraternal system
offers to have job satisfaction and
a great sales year! The slate is
clean and what we write on it will
determine both our monetary and
psychic income and therefore the
satisfaction we will get from our
fraternal career.
Congratulations
T o o ur n e w fi c s a n d fiC F s
Congratulations on receiving your new designation!
Laurie Makola
Rogelio Cabral
Timothy Penner
John Klocke
Vernon Muth
Mark Glaab
Mary Jane Castillo
Kendra Harbinson
Aurelio Vito
John Bobos
Jeffrey Smith
Kevin Philip
Gregory Orr
James Beimel
Charles Sanville
Michael Blake
Donald Cupps
James O’Connor
Ronald Sandoval SR
Charles Murphy
Earl Seitz
John Dumont
James Nealon
David Goedtke
Joel Clelland
James Stachura
Gus Janczyszyn
James F Barrette
Tammy Haugen
K. Adair Hawkins
Kymberly Mowery
FIC
FIC
FIC
FICF
FIC
FIC
FIC
FIC
FIC
FIC
FIC
FIC
FIC
FIC
FIC
FIC
FIC
FIC
FIC
FICF
FIC
FICF
FIC
FIC
FICF
FICF
FIC
FIC
FIC
FIC
FIC
Catholic Financial Life
Catholic Financial Life
Catholic Order of Foresters
Catholic United Financial
FaithLife Financial
FaithLife Financial
FaithLife Financial
FaithLife Financial
FaithLife Financial
Knights of Columbus
Knights of Columbus
Knights of Columbus
Knights of Columbus
Knights of Columbus
Knights of Columbus
Knights of Columbus
Knights of Columbus
Knights of Columbus
Knights of Columbus
Knights of Columbus
Knights of Columbus
Knights of Columbus
Knights of Columbus
Knights of Columbus
Knights of Columbus
Knights of Columbus
Knights of Columbus
Modern Woodmen of America
Modern Woodmen of America
Modern Woodmen of America
Modern Woodmen of America
Jordan Serum
FIC
Melissa Thompson
FIC
P. Shane Williams
FIC
Frank Fleck
FIC
Phyllis French
FIC
Marci Hensley
FIC
Kourtney Karr
FIC
Carson Kemp
FIC
Judy Pingleton
FIC
David Pope
FIC
Susan Saul
FIC
Sebastian Silen
FIC
Cody Spann
FIC
Matthew Ward
FIC
Austin Cooper
FICF
James Carlson
FIC
Tyler Young
FIC
Jacky Bullock
FIC
Glenda Vizecky
FIC
Echo Downs
FIC
Candi Ward
FIC
Ruth Hernandez
FIC
David Quirsfeld
FICF
David Huckstep
FIC
Randall Swetnam
FIC
Andrew Gamache
FIC
Eric Phillips
FIC
Eric Taylor
FIC
Jerry Hemphill
FIC
Debra Arnette
FICF
Modern Woodmen of America
Modern Woodmen of America
Modern Woodmen of America
Modern Woodmen of America
Modern Woodmen of America
Modern Woodmen of America
Modern Woodmen of America
Modern Woodmen of America
Modern Woodmen of America
Modern Woodmen of America
Modern Woodmen of America
Modern Woodmen of America
Modern Woodmen of America
Modern Woodmen of America
Modern Woodmen of America
Modern Woodmen of America
Modern Woodmen of America
Modern Woodmen of America
Modern Woodmen of America
Modern Woodmen of America
Modern Woodmen of America
Modern Woodmen of America
National Catholic Society of Foresters
Thrivent Financial
Thrivent Financial
Thrivent Financial
Woodmen of the World
Woodmen of the World
Woodmen of the World
Woodmen of the World
2011 Volume 6 Issue 3
| 17
addi t i o n al 2 0 1 1 N A F I C A ward W i n n e r s !
Lynn Grabow FIC..................... Chairman QS
Bruce Graving FIC
CFP®...................................... President QS
Paul Gronholz FIC LUTCF...... Chairman QS
Scot Guldin FIC........................ Chairman
Harold Gustafson Jr FIC.......... QS
Frank Hall FIC.......................... QS
John Halweg FIC...................... Chairman QS
Wallace Hamman FIC............. President QS
Richard Hart FIC...................... Silver QS
Terry Hartwig FIC.................... Bronze QS
Keith Harvey FIC CFP............. Chairman QS
Luann Hegland FIC................. Silver QS
Mark Hemann FIC................... Gold QS
Jonathan Hendrickson FIC..... Platinum QS
Richard Henricks FIC
CLU CHFC............................ President QS
Scott Herrmann FIC................ President QS
Gary Heuer FIC........................ Chairman QS
Joel Hillmann FIC.................... Chairman QS
Jeremy Hofer FIC...................... Chairman QS
Terry Hokaj FIC CHFC............ Platinum QS
Michael Horntvedt FIC
CLU CHFC LUTCF.............. Platinum QS
Matthew Hug FIC.................... Chairman QS
Dean Hull FIC.......................... QS
Shirley Hunt FIC LUTCF......... President QS
Michael Hutchinson FIC......... Chairman QS
Debra Jans FIC.......................... Gold QS
Daniel Johnson FIC.................. Gold QS
James Johnson FIC................... President QS
Mark Johnson FIC.................... President QS
Mark Johnson FIC CHFC
CFP........................................ President QS
Mary Johnston FIC................... President QS
Jay Kempf FIC........................... Silver QS
Mark Kiefer FIC........................ Silver QS
Michael Klein FIC.................... Platinum QS
Mark Kleindienst FIC
CLU CFP............................... Chairman QS
Timothy Klipfel FIC CHFC
LUTCF................................... Silver QS
Daniel Klug FIC........................ Platinum QS
Kenneth Knaus FIC ChFC
CLU LUTCF.......................... Gold QS
Suzanne Kocurek FIC.............. President QS
Dale Kopplin............................. Silver QS
Gerhardt Korn FIC LUTCF...... Silver QS
Lance Kroesch FIC
CHFC CASL.......................... President QS
18 | National Association of Fraternal Insurance Counselors
(Continued from page 9)
Thomas Kukkonen FIC........... Silver QS
James Langenkamp FIC.......... President QS
Ward Larson FIC CHFC
CASL...................................... QS
Richard Law FIC LUTCF......... Silver QS
Paul Lekar FIC.......................... Chairman QS
Alan Leutloff FIC CLU
LUTCF................................... Chairman QS
John Levi FIC............................ Chairman QS
Cory Lienemann FIC............... Silver QS
Daniel Lucas FIC LUTCF........ Gold QS
Timothy Lukasek FIC.............. QS
Marlin Maclay FIC CHFC
CASL...................................... QS
Lynnette Mahlke FIC CLU
LUTCF CFP........................... Chairman QS
Norma McNamara FIC............ Platinum QS
Kenneth McQuirter FIC.......... President QS
David Meade FIC CHFC
CFP........................................ Chairman QS
Richard Meunier FIC............... President QS
Colin Mildred FIC.................... Silver QS
Ronald Mohr FIC CHFC.......... Chairman QS
Ryan Mohr FIC......................... Gold QS
Timothy Moran FIC................. QS
Kyle Mumpton FIC CFP.......... Chairman QS
David Neunaber FIC CHFC.... Chairman QS
Joseph Newman FIC................ Silver QS
Michael Niedfeldt FIC
LUTCF................................... Silver QS
Douglas Olawsky FIC C
HFC....................................... President QS
Jeffrey Olson FIC...................... Chairman QS
Randal Oppenneer FIC........... QS
Daryl Osmus FIC..................... Chairman QS
Jacinto Padron FICF................. Silver QS
John Parsons FIC CFP.............. Chairman QS
Kelly Perry FIC.......................... President QS
Mary Peterson FIC................... Chairman QS
David Polzin FIC CLU............. President QS
Roger Rachul FIC CLU
ChFC LUTCF........................ President QS
Curtis Renner FIC.................... Silver QS
Tim Rennicke FIC.................... QS
Jeff Rodemeyer FIC.................. QS
Elizabeth Schedler FIC............ Silver QS
Craig Schinke FIC.................... President QS
Harvey Senn FIC LUTCF......... Chairman QS
Neal Shackel FIC ChFC
LUTCF CFP........................... Chairman QS
Michael Simpson FIC.............. QS
Marvin Spreen FIC................... Platinum QS
Jaime Stantz FIC....................... President QS
Beverly Suemnicht FIC............ QS
Richard Tabert FIC................... President QS
Rory Test FIC CLU ChFC
CASL...................................... Silver QS
Gerard Thompson FIC
LUTCF................................... President QS
Laura Tjomsland FIC............... Bronze QS
Gary Tollefson FIC LUTCF...... Chairman QS
John Ungerman FIC CLU
ChFC CFP............................. Chairman QS
Robert Vesely FIC..................... President QS
Jerold Vomhof FIC LUTCF...... Chairman QS
Anthony Wahler FIC................ Silver
Russell Walsh FIC.................... QS
Martin Westen FIC.................. Chairman QS
Kathy Wichmann FIC.............. Gold QS
John Wick FIC.......................... President QS
Christopher Wieting FIC........ Gold QS
Larry Winter FIC ChFC
LUTCF CFP........................... Chairman QS
Linda Witham FIC................... QS
Louis Wold FIC LUTCF........... Platinum QS
Richard Wolf FIC ChFC
LUTCF CFP........................... Platinum QS
R Drew Woodburn FIC
CLU ChFC LUTCF............... Chairman QS
Jeffrey Works FIC..................... Gold QS
David Wuerffel FIC.................. QS
John Young................................ Silver QS
Michael Youngs FIC................. Gold QS
Gary Zinter FIC......................... QS
!
s
n
o
i
t
a
l
u
t
a
r
g
Con
From left to right:
Fraternal News
Jay Schenk
Secretary-Treasurer
Tom Schisler (Catholic
United Financial)
Pat Barnes (Modern Woodmen
of America)
Joe Martinez (Knights
of Columbus)
Mark Dean (Thrivent Financial)
Tom Adamson, President
(Catholic Order of Foresters)
Larry Gordon (Gleaner
Financial)
Pat Dees (Woodmen
of the World)
Greg Sloan (FaithLife
Financial)
Fraternal Field Managers Association
Greg Felton (National
Slovak Society of the USA)
Board of Directors 2011-2012
I
n February 2009, Thomas E. Adamson
joined Naperville based Catholic Order
of Foresters (COF), a 128-year-old Catholic
fraternal benefit insurance society as vice
president of sales.
Adamson came to COF from National
Catholic Society of Foresters (NCSF) where he served as
national sales director. At NCSF he held responsibility for
sales staff development including agent recruitment and
training, product review, and sales promotion.
An insurance industry veteran, Adamson honed his
individual and group insurance product marketing, agency
Answers for the scenarios:
The exploding client: b) The best surprise effect in this
situation is b). Exploders are used to having people either
explode back, defend, or crumble in the face of their
emotional outbursts. Exploders explode because they
believe no one will listen to them unless they emotionally
escalate. Therefore, taking a notebook to write down all
of their concerns is a surprise effect for them – having
someone write down everything that is bothering you is
the ultimate in attention. And it interrupts the pattern;
how can one explode when you are taking notes
on them?
The sniping colleague: d) The best surprise effect in
this situation is d). Snipers use humor to get in a dig at
someone else. This is an indirect and passive-aggressive
way to deflect attention from themselves and onto
another. The best way to smoke out a sniper is to remove
them from their cover, which in this case is the group
of people in the staff meeting, and ask them direct
questions. You can ask her a direct question like this
management, and agent training and development skills with
a large mutual insurance company. His experience includes
opening new and managing existing agencies. Adamson has
held the position of president and vice president with the
Illinois Fraternal Congress and is currently the president of
the Fraternal Field Managers Association.
An Evanston, Illinois, resident, Adamson received a B.S. in
psychology from Loyola University, Chicago. In addition,
he holds Fraternal Insurance Counselor, Certified Fraternal
Field Manager, Chartered Life Underwriter and Chartered
Financial Consultant designations, as well as National
Association of Securities Dealers Series 7 and 24 licenses.
while alone with her: “Mary, you told a joke about me in
the staff meeting, and everyone laughed, but I sensed
a dig there -- do you really feel this way about me?” Of
course she will say no, or that it was just a joke and
you are being too sensitive. This line of questioning is
uncomfortable for a sniper because it is too direct and
puts the spotlight on them. Most often the sniper will
think twice about taking a shot at you again, because you
may have another one-on-one conversation with them,
which they hate.
The lazy family: b) The best surprise effect for the lazy
family is b). Most of the time, we become angry with
people because we can’t get them to do what we want
them to do – even if we are right! In this scene, mother
has a reasonable request for help, but dad and kids
are resisting her. She may resort to nagging, threats, or
punishment; but these strategies tend to create more
resistance. An effective surprise may be to disengage
from trying to change them, and simply allow them to
eat off paper plates and use plastic utensils, while mom
continues to eat with the fine china. This is a true story
from Dr. Harriet Learner’s book, The Dance of Anger,
which actually results in the family getting the message
in a fun and creative manner.
The company wet-blanket: b) The best surprise effect for
the wet-blanket is b). Wet-blankets are complainers and
pessimists who are used to people trying to talk them out
of their misery or cheer them up. Unfortunately, it doesn’t
work. Complainers complain because they typically feel
powerless to do anything about it. Empowering them by
moving them toward solution-seeking behavior can help
them to do more while complaining less. However, most
wet-blankets will not do the project, they would rather
complain, yet they are unlikely to wet-blanket you again;
because you are going to move them toward solutions
and they don’t want to go there!
2011 Volume 6 Issue 3
| 19
National Association of Fraternal Insurance Counselors
211 Canal Rd., Waterloo, Wisconsin 53594
Dates: May 9 – 11, 2012
Location: Golden Nugget, Las Vegas
Register today!
See page 10 or visit www.nafic.org.
PRSRT STD
US Postage
PAID
Merrill WI
54452
Permit No 24