FAMILY BEREAVEMENT SUPPORT PROGRAMME
Social Work Department
Royal Children’s Hospital
NEWSLETTER MAY 2011
The May group welcomed nine parents and a support person, the sister of a parent. The overall theme for the
evening was Children and Grief. The group began with acknowledgement of each child as parents spoke their child’s
name and let us know a little about their child and the circumstances of their death. Some parents had not been to the
group for a while and others were attending for the first time. All spoke of their child with much love. As the theme for
the night was children and grief, the different relationships group members may have to other children were
acknowledged. For some there are other children in their family unit who have experienced a brother or sister’s death,
for some it is children who mourn in the extended family, and for others it is wondering about other children who may
join their family in the future. All of these experiences have their own significance. Along with introductions parents
were asked if they had any specific thoughts and questions around children and grief. One parent began by saying,
“My children are too young to deal with this” and another spoke of having “lots of nieces and nephews still in
our life, and (our child) is still a part of their lives”.
Children and Grief Kids Grieve Too
we’ve changed. If I let go we’d be in trouble. I have to
hold myself together to keep us together.” A father said
“We feel really isolated. Coming here we get to share
our child’s memory, it feels right being here. We all
have different stories, but the same feelings.”
Our guest speaker for the night was Colin Charles who is a
Social Worker and Family Therapist and has worked in
various bereavement settings including The Centre for
Grief and Bereavement where he coordinated the ‘Kids
Grieve Too‘ Program. Colin is currently working at ‘Support
After Suicide’ where he is in a counselling and support role
with families who experience bereavement. Colin began
his discussion by commenting on the use of language and
the tendency that we all have to use terms like ‘passed
away’ instead of ‘died’. He wondered what this might
reflect around a larger discomfort to talk about death
generally in society.
Colin spoke of the importance of parents feeling able to
show their grief and emotions to their other children.
“Sharing your grief and emotions is not wrong”. He outlined
some of the particular ways that children may demonstrate
their grief and reminded us that children grieve differently
to adults. There are a number of ways that this may
happen including children being more likely to ‘go in and
out of grief’, and as they grow their understanding of death
increases and changes and they will have more questions
that emerge over time. Parents can experience a ‘double
bind’ where they are challenged by wanting to contain their
own grief to protect their children, but that this in turn can
leave their children trying to contain their own grief so as
not to upset their parents. Colin reflected that grief is
usually shared more at the beginning and that parents are
pivotal in giving their children permission to grieve.
Colin asked if there were any specific reasons parent’s had
come tonight given the theme was about children’s grief. A
mother commented that she wanted, “To help my kids,
my boys are so different. One is straight out there,
talks about his sister all the time, the other one says
he can’t go there, he can’t talk about her.” Colin asked
this parent further, “Do you show/share your grief with your
other children? This parent spoke of the dilemmas for
parents saying, “It’s hard for children to see their
parents crying, it’s destabilising.” In relation to her own
children she said, “It makes me so angry that they are In the conversation about this a parent commented “I
going through this, they didn’t ask for this, they’re just don’t feel like I’m not giving them (other children) the
kids.” She said that at first she did express her emotions space to grieve, but...do we place time limits on our
grief?” Colin reflected that society often
more outwardly but, “not so much now, I
encourages or dictates that we should
do my crying alone, in the car is a good
place time limits on our grief. He used the
place. They know I’m still upset, but I
example of the very small amounts of
contain myself more now.” And that the
compassionate leave generally available to
death of their child “has shifted our family,
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people in their work places. But grief is a lifelong,
ongoing process, constantly changing. Time
doesn’t heal grief, but it does change it.
themselves”.
Colin picked up on the issue of family and friends
avoiding parent’s grief and asked the group, “What
do you want from them? Have you told them
what you need”? Parents responded with a range
of experiences and feelings they have had around this
including, “I want acknowledgement, and the offer to
help. I feel isolated, and my kids are isolated too” and
“It’s so hard. They should know you, but they just
don’t get it. It becomes too hard for them, and you let
them. But there’s a voice in the back of your head
saying, you mongrels” and, “Like when my sister
called and left a message not long after (child’s death)
saying she was pregnant. We had to say we’re happy
that you’re happy, but that we’re still grieving, and we
need the space to do this”.
A question that many parents share about children’s
grief was expressed by a mother who asked “Will my
other kids be ok?” Colin spoke of love as the key
element of ensuring children manage and reminded us that
you can not force kids to talk until they are ready to.
Children may not have the language to express their grief,
but just because they can’t talk about their pain it doesn’t
mean they aren’t feeling it. Creating opportunities for
children to express grief in different ways can be useful –
play, music, drawing, reading special stories.
A parent reflected on being in the group and her
experience with her other child. She said that, “This time
allows me to just focus on my child. I was pregnant
when my son died, and now I have a six month old.
I’ve changed as a parent. My daughter looks the same
as her brother, it hurts so much. I wonder how will I
include him in her life? I know I will, but it angers me
that she will only know his memory.” Colin raised the
distinction between continuing a connection with a child
who has died but being cautious of immortalising that child.
Somehow you have to find a way to hold onto the child,
and keep them as part of the family.
Colin encouraged the group to explore what is happening
for family and friends. He said that unless those around
you have experienced the death of a child, they cannot
understand what it is like. Picking up on things that group
members had tried, Colin said that ways of expressing
yourself such as writing letters to family members to
explain how you feel and what you need from them can be
useful. He then asked the group to consider, “How many
chances do you give your family/friends?”
Parents had many thoughts about this sharing their mixed
experiences about how supported they felt including, “It
seems like you have to give them a million chances
and emotionally this is very hard”, “People don’t need
a dead child, they only need a child to understand our
pain. But grief is also like someone else’s baby.
Friends/family will hold it for awhile, but they will want
to give it back. People don’t choose whether or not
Relationships with others in grief - what do you need they will feel my pain, they don’t have a choice.
and how do you try to get it?
They’re going through this shit with me because they
Some parents spoke to the loss of their one child and for know me and eventually, after a few months, and then
others the possibilities in the future around other children. years, friends and family change and move on.”
One parent said that, “We decided years ago that we
wouldn’t have another kid, we could never replace The expectations and sometimes disappointment around
him. His friends are still in our lives, and that’s what support family and friends had provided was
important. His death brought his friends together. We expressed, “We didn’t expect anything. They were
go out to dinner with them, they tell us embarrassing useless before my child died, and they’re still
stories about what he got up to, and it’s so nice to useless.” For another family the support of their
know he got up to mischief.” Another parent said, community has been critical, “Our community has been
“Having other kids will be ok, but I will never replace amazing, it has only been two months, but they’re
him.” One father said, “My child was an only child. I there at the drop of a hat. People are doing so much
have a niece who was born a few months after his for us”, and “We’re still early on, we do expect there
death, so birthdays can be difficult times.”
will be less consideration and attention as time goes
on.” A mother shared her experiences around support
Relationships with other children in people’s lives became saying, “It’s safer to expect nothing, that way you’re
present in discussions. Managing relationships with other not disappointed.” Colin said, “But you have to put it out
children and their parents bought up strong emotions and there, what you need, otherwise how will they know?” This
difficult situations for many, “They are a constant promoted some discussion about how support can be
reminder of my child. It was hard at the start, I isolated mobilised. One parent said, “I’ve stopped
myself because I found myself making comparisons. having these expectations of people, but I do
But now I find it’s the adults who complicate things, agree you have to tell them what you need”
not the kids. My family don’t want to expose their and “Sometimes it’s worth writing the letter,
children to our grief. But it’s really themselves they really telling them how you feel, because you
don’t want to expose, because they’ll send their kids have nothing to lose. I sent an email, not in
to our son’s birthday celebration, and they won’t come the heat of the moment, but I let my mother in
Parents shared creative and meaningful ways that
they had used of keeping their child present in their
lives. Special pictures, and a unique painting were
some ways that parents continued to bond with
their children. Rituals such as celebrating birthdays
and daily lighting of candles were other ways parents felt
that they stayed connected.
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never be normal again, but you will make a new normal”.
Another parent responded with reflection on her own
experience to this question saying “For 8 months I’ve
cried every day, but it’s gentler now. I still yearn for
him, but my life is growing.”
law know how I was feeling. It has totally changed our
relationship, they’re so much more supportive now,
because I told them what I need. Now they’re always
there, and it wasn’t the case at the start.” “If you don’t
put it out there, you stay angry and resentful. But it’s
hard to tell them, because people take it personally.
You have to tell them I’ve changed, and I need you to
change too.”
The group ended for the evening with some parents
staying for a warm drink and informal conversation. This
space gives an opportunity for parents to talk further about
their children and touch base with new faces and those
familiar. Our warmest thanks to Colin Charles for providing
a rich discussion about children’s grief and getting support
from those around parents. Friends, family, communities,
schools are all sources of potential support for bereaved
families. Colin reminded us that despite the difficulties and
injustice in having to educate others, sometimes it can be
important to explore the idea of asking others to give and
provide what support is needed.
Ways Grief Can Be Thought About
Colin spoke about the idea of ‘stages of grief’ that was
popularised by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross (1969). He reminded
us that her important work and idea of stages was
developed around adults who were dying, not around
people experiencing grief, so it is not useful to think about
stages in relation to grieving a child. Returning to some
ideas about children, Colin added to earlier thoughts that
the meaning of death and loss for children can change for
them over time. The finality of death becomes more real for
children between the ages of 7-9 when they understand
death as permanent. Siblings and other children will revisit
their experience of grief as adults and at significant
moments in their lives when the loss of their loved brother,
sister or friend is felt again. A parent recalled a little 3 year
old friend of her son’s becoming very distressed when a
moth died in her garden, “I could see that she realised
what dead means, and it all came flooding out.”
The Royal Children’s Hospital Community Weave
As we get ready to move to the new Royal Children’s
Hospital (RCH), the RCH Community Weave is an
opportunity for patients, families, staff, volunteers and
supporters to farewell the current building and reflect
on the significant part the hospital has played in
everyone’s lives.
Story books can be really useful as a way for children to
engage on another level and they can return to books in
their own way and in their own time. There are many
children’s books available. A few people have used include
“My Many Colored Days” by Dr. Seuss and “The Next
Place” by Warren Hanson. Grief websites can be
useful for looking for books including the site for
The Centre for Grief and Bereavement,
www.grief.org.au
You’re invited to contribute to the weave which
represents the culture and spirit of our hospital. All
parents whose child was connected with RCH are
invited to contribute to the weave. You could add
something that reflects your memories of the hospital.
Perhaps artwork, friendship bracelets, dried flowers…
anything that can be woven.
Artist Kim Scrimshaw will help us create our weave
over the next few months. It will be prominently
displayed in the level 1 front foyer of the hospital for
you to come past and add to. If you’re unable to come
to the foyer, you will be able to make a small weave to
build in to the final tapestry.
Colin said that it is important to educate yourself
about what you’re going through, and then educate your
family and friends. Even though it can feel unfair to have to
do this, telling friends and family what is needed can be
important.
A sibling of a parent had attended the group tonight as a
support person. She reflected on being in the group and
the theme saying, “It’s difficult for those of us on the
outside. I don’t want to upset her (my sister), I want to
ask her how I can help, but I’m scared. From listening
to you all tonight I know not to be afraid of it, and just
having someone who can be there is important.”
Visit the website, call the RCH Education Institute on
9322 5100 or talk to Julia Cernaz, RCH Bereavement
Services Coordinator on 9345 6111 for more
information about how to get involved.
NOTICE
As the group began the process of finishing for the evening
a parent asked, “Does it get easier? Will I be ok? How
do I keep his memory alive?” Colin spoke of how
different the experience of grief is for everyone and invited
people to think about finding their own way with what feels
right for them. He spoke of another idea around grief, that
it is not a ball that shrinks in size but that it can stay the
same size with life growing around it. There can be an
expectation from society that it will shrink, but it doesn’t. In
response to the uncertainly of whether things can ever
improve or feel different Colin said, “It will get easier. It will
The newsletter is now available via email. We are
hoping that more people may take up this option and
elect to receive the newsletter this way. If you would
like to do this, please email us at:
[email protected]
or contact Carly Blanche on 9345 6111. We will then
be able to send the newsletter to you each month by
email.
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Straight from the Heart
Meditation
I am a very average meditator and I was never a spiritual person. I
have always had a busy mind, and it is more jumbled and flighty since
the death of our son Sullivan (Sully). I also can feel very hopeless and
useless. I would not have thought that my inconsistent and amateur
efforts at meditation would have much impact on my life after Sully.
Despite this, when I meditate, my mind can become a lot more
peaceful. The reasons for my true feelings are often clarified, and can
be approached and dealt with.
This is very important to me now, it gives me a beautiful mental space
to purely love and think about Sully and the rest of my family, with the
other complicated jumble in my life receded or cleared. It is a very
practical aid to my life; if I wake with anxious feelings I will use
breathing exercises and mantra repetition and feel a bit better.
Although I am functioning, feeding the family, getting everyone to
school etcetera, I know I am often not fully present for my family and
others around me. Meditation helps me feel more emotionally open,
and mentally in the present. It makes me acknowledge when my busy
mind is dominating and confusing my feelings of grief.
Attending a meditation group is one of the things that gets me
through each week. Minor resentments can be acknowledged and
forgiven. I can reach a place where my own pain is not all consuming,
and I can feel empathy for others. I can feel an inner shift from
numbness, hurt and pain towards love, acceptance, and hope in my
own strength to live on. I can also sometimes feel uplifted and
unburdened, which still amazes me.
These awkward words only go a small way to explaining the slow
opening of a spiritual awareness for me since our beautiful Sully
passed away. People find different paths useful, but consider giving
meditation some time if you can, even if you think you won’t be able
to do it, it might help. I thank people for sharing their journeys with
me through the bereaved parent’s newsletter, and express my deep
sympathy to you all. Look after yourselves; it’s a hard thing to do.
With love,
Lisa Anderson
Our letter box is empty!
Contributions such as responses
and reflections on the groups’
themes, poems, letters, songs,
quotations from parents,
grandparents, brothers and
sisters and friends are most
welcome in the Newsletters.
Share your thoughts, experiences
and questions with others who
are bereaved.
Please forward them to:
The Editor
Family Bereavement
Support Programme
Social Work Department
Royal Children’s Hospital
Flemington Road
PARKVILLE VIC 3052
Phone: 03 9345 6111
Or email:
[email protected]
The next meeting of the
Family Bereavement Support Evening
Group will be held on:
Thursday 16th June
7:30 pm – 9:00 pm
Seminar Room 2, 4th Floor
Front Entry Building
In this group we will be joined by
Garratt O’Dowd who will talk about
It’s A Bloke Thing (or is it)- Gender &
Grief
The July group topic will be Finding
Another Space- Technologies for
Grieving Families
Flower of Hope…
I am a newly bereaved parent. My four-and-a-half year old son Bram was killed
by a car in March. I attended the support group for bereaved parents in May.
One of the things we talked about was how grief will be with us for the rest of
our lives; how it can hit us in 5 years or even 20 years still.
Afterwards, I told a friend how depressing I found that prospect and she said,
yes, it can hit you – but so can happiness.
For a moment, I felt stunned. Then I felt a precious little flower of hope unfurl
in my heart. In trying to cope with our grief, do we get bogged down so much
that we lose sight of things worth living for?
Please join us.
The newsletter is always a team
effort. Thank you to Colin Charles for leading
the group discussion and Julia Cernaz and
Alys-Marie Manguy for their assistance with
the group and scribing parents’ statements.
Also to the administration team Carly
Blanche and Allison Hunt for ensuring the
Newsletter is formatted and distributed to
interested people.
Social Work Department, RCH
Kind Regards,
Manuela Ruwoldt
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