Sample Pages from
Mmmbeth
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MMMBETH
A COMEDY IN ONE ACT
BY
Allison Williams
Original Playscripts
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Mmmbeth
Copyright © 2003 Allison Williams
CAUTION: This play is fully protected under the copyright laws
of Canada and all other countries of the Universal Copyright
Convention and is subject to royalty. Changes to the script are
expressly forbidden without written consent of the author. Rights
to produce, film, or record, in whole or in part, in any medium
or in any language, by any group amateur or professional, are
fully reserved.
Interested persons are requested to apply for amateur rights to:
Theatrefolk
PO Box 1064
Crystal Beach, ON, L0S 1B0
Canada
Tel 1-866-245-9138
Fax 1-877-245-9138
e-mail: [email protected]
website: www.theatrefolk.com
Those interested in professional rights may contact the author
c/o the above address.
No part of this script covered by the copyrights hereon may be
reproduced or used in any form or by any means - graphic,
electronic or mechanical - without the prior written permission of
the author. Any request for photocopying, recording, or taping
shall be directed in writing to the author at the address above.
Printed in the USA
ISBN 1-894870-38-7
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MMMBETH
3
CHARACTERS
MMMBETH
Easily frustrated Thane of Cawdor.
LADY MMMBETH
A gentle housewife… at first.
BANQUO
Mmmbeth’s best friend.
Thinks something’s rotten in the State of Scotland.
MACDUFF
Knows something’s rotten in the State of Scotland.
QUEEN DUNCAN
Brilliant, misunderstood, and refuses to die.
HAGGY
The smart witch.
NAGGY
The sly witch.
TWIT
The dumb witch.
HECATE
Big Mama Hecate, head of the witches and a blues queen.
TWO MURDERERS
Eager to help dispose of inconvenient obstacles to the throne,
like heirs and suspicious thanes.
SON OF MACDUFF
Played by MACDUFF.
DOCTOR
Played by HAGGY.
GENTLEWOMEN
Played by NAGGY and TWIT.
TWO SOLDIERS
Behind the door when the brains were passed out.
MARATHON RUNNERS
Played by the cast.
Unless specified, all roles may be played by men or women. If Lady Mmmbeth is played in
drag, it’s best to use a female Mmmbeth. If it’s necessary to cast Duncan as a male, change
Queen to King. Please note that this is designed to be a show with a lot of parts for women.
Recommended doubling/gender for cast of 10:
MMMBETH
Either Male or Female
LADY MMMBETH
Female
BANQUO
Either Male or Female
QUEEN DUNCAN
Female
MACDUFF/SON OF MACDUFF
Either Male or Female
HAGGY/DOCTOR
Female
NAGGY/GENTLEWOMAN
Female
TWIT/GENTLEWOMAN
Female
MURDERER 1/SOLDIER 1
Either Male or Female
HECATE/MURDERER 2/SOLDIER 2
Either Male or Female
PLACE
Shakespeare's Scotland.
TIME
Indefinite.
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PRODUCTION HISTORY
An earlier version of MmmBeth! was presented at the Arkansas State Thespian
Festival in Jonesboro, Arkansas, February 22, 2002, by Thespian Troupe 42, El
Dorado High School, under the leadership of Delaine Gates. It was directed by
Allison Williams; the costumes were designed by the cast and supervised by
Whitney Freeman, Andrea Cyphers, and Jessica DeLoach; the props were
supervised by Emily Landry, and the sound, music and lights were designed by Will
King. The original cast included:
MMMBETH ............................................... Jessica DeLoach
LADY MMMBETH .......................................... Brandon Hart
BANQUO ..........................................................Alice Tam
MACDUFF/SON OF MACDUFF .............. Whitney Freeman
QUEEN DUNCAN .................................... Andrea Cyphers
HAGGY (1st Witch)/DOCTOR ....................... Casey Haynes
TWIT (3rd Witch) .........................................Melissa Weaver
NAGGY (2nd Witch)/GENTLEWOMAN ............. Carrie Lewis
HECATE .................................................. Courtney Gibson
MURDERER 1/SOLDIER 1 .............................Sean Reynolds
MURDERER 2/SOLDIER 2 ................................Josh Sinclair
MURDERER 3/MALCOLM .................... Caleb Baumgardner
MURDERER 4/FARMER/ROSS .......................... J.T. Johnson
PORTER...........................................................Jared Shipp
NARRATOR ................................................... Emily Landry
AUTHOR'S NOTE
I have now been a part of three productions of the "Scottish Play" and one production
of MMMBETH. And while I am a normal, rational (for an artist) human being,
something bad happens to me every time I am involved with the Scottish Play. I have
lost my wallet twice (once temporary, once permanent), lost my cool, hated my
director, been savagely reviewed, and had major car trouble (every time). While
working on this draft of MMMBETH, I packed the rough draft into my suitcase before
a trip and spent the next thirty hours trying to fly to Florida during a dense, airportclosing fog, and once there, trying to meet up with my luggage. So when my
students or fellow actors quote from the play, or say the title in a theatre, I do indeed
make them leave the room, turn around three times, spit, curse, and ask permission
to come back in. Some people make them run around the whole building three
times, but hey, I'm not that superstitious.
That said, MMMBETH is a comedy. Sometimes a goofy comedy, sometimes a black
comedy. Don't be afraid to go there! And remember, it's not a tragedy, it's just a
series of minor inconveniences.
Enjoy,
Allison Williams
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MMMBETH
5
SCENE 1
Darkness. An eerie shriek.
HAGGY: When shall we three meet again?
In thunder, lightning, or in rain?
Spooky lighting fades up.
NAGGY: When the hurly-burly’s done.
When the battle’s lost and won.
Less spooky lighting.
TWIT: I think I could do next Tuesday — does that work for you two?
NAGGY: No, Tuesday’s bad for me — I’m taking this great folkdancing class, wanna come?
TWIT: Ooo! Do you do ‘Gathering Peascods on a May Morning?’
NAGGY: Oh. I thought it was gathering codpieces. No wonder they
made me stop.
HAGGY: Would you two shut up! Honestly, the only one who gets any
witching done around here is me! (Hits NAGGY)
NAGGY: Ow! Sorry. (Hits TWIT)
TWIT: Ow! Sorry. (looks around for someone to hit. Hits self) Ow, sorry.
HAGGY: Now, if we can get back in the mood? Ahem.
Spooky lighting.
HAGGY: (slightly less eerie voice) When shall we three meet again?
NAGGY: (less eerie voice) We shall meet when he is due.
TWIT: (in a trance) The spirits say he comes at two.
(normal voice) Well, two-ish, really. You know how those spirits
are. Late for everything, all the — (catches HAGGY’s eye. Hits
self) Ow! Sorry.
HAGGY: Right, then. I want everyone back here at two. Hair ratted,
faces pale, fingernails sharpened, and make sure you go before
you come. No dashing off to the privy in mid-prophecy this time,
hmmm? Ooo, this is going to be a good one. We’ve been waiting
for him for a long time!
TWIT: We’re gonna get that Mac —
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ALLISON WILLIAMS
6
HAGGY and NAGGY grab TWIT and stifle her. Lights
go out. Crashing noises. Chickens.
HAGGY: Don’t say it!
TWIT: What, Mac —
They stifle her again. Someone screams backstage and
a body thuds to the floor, cutting off the scream.
HAGGY and NAGGY: Don’t say it!
TWIT: But why can’t we say Mac —
Marathon RUNNERS cross the stage, stampeding over
the WITCHES. Last runner comes back, kicks NAGGY
and laughs. HAGGY and NAGGY struggle to sit up, on
top of TWIT.
RUNNER: Hah-ha!
HAGGY: Look, Twit, everyone knows that if you say the real title of this
play, something bad happens!
TWIT: But we’re witches! Powerful! Otherworldly! Spoooooooky!
NAGGY: Some things are even spookier than us.
HAGGY: There are things in the theatre, Twit, undreamt of in your
philosophy.
NAGGY: (spooky voice) Don’t whistle in the wings!
HAGGY: (spooky voice) Never wish anyone good luck!
NAGGY: (spooky voice) No smoking in the green room!
HAGGY and NAGGY: (stern) And don’t say the name of this play!
TWIT: (muffled under HAGGY and NAGGY sitting on her) How do we
talk to him if we can’t say his name?
HAGGY: Just call him… Mmmbeth. (she ducks)
NAGGY: Mmmbeth?
TWIT: Mmmbeth! Mmmbeth! Mmmbeth! Mmm — (HAGGY and
NAGGY hit TWIT) Ow! Sorry.
HAGGY: And all shall now call him Mmmbeth! Now let’s get going! To
the battlefield!
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MMMBETH
7
SCENE 2
A battlefield. Dead bodies. QUEEN DUNCAN and
TWO SOLDIERS surveying the field.
DUNCAN: Well-done, boys! A great victory!
SOLDIER 1: Aw, thanks, Queen Duncan.
DUNCAN: Now we can return home, pass out some honours — I think
I’ll make Mmmbeth Thane of Cawdor, he was pretty brave — and
get back to ruling Scotland. Long live the Queen! Long live me!
SOLDIER 2: For about another three scenes, Your Majesty.
DUNCAN: What?
SOLDIER 1: Umm, you — well, you aren’t in the whole play.
DUNCAN: Impossible! I am the Ruler of Scotland, Commander of
Thanes, Protector of the People, Leader of the Army, Mistress of
Justice, Verity and Temperance! I dominate the play from start to
finish! Beginning to end! And I have a great idea for a franchise
opportunity.
SOLDIER 2: But —
DUNCAN: Isn’t this play about the Queen of Scotland?
SOLDIER 2: Kind of, but you see — your part is more of a supporting
role.
DUNCAN: I will support the entire play as Queen of Scotland!
SOLDIER 1: Queen Duncan, you die in Act Two.
DUNCAN: Inconceivable! I have an army to protect me! Get me
Fleance!
SOLDIER 1: Runs away, Act Three.
DUNCAN: Banquo!
SOLDIER 2: Murdered, Act Three.
DUNCAN: All my sons!
SOLDIER 1: They sleep through your murder and run away after your
death.
DUNCAN: This is terrible! (to SOLDIER 1) You! Go tell Mmmbeth he’s
Thane of Cawdor! (to SOLDIER 2) You! Go tell Macduff to meet
me at Mmmbeth’s castle. I’m sure I’ll be safe there!
ALL exit.
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ALLISON WILLIAMS
8
SCENE 3
WITCHES enter.
HAGGY: Where hast thou been sister?
NAGGY: Killing swine.
TWIT: Eww!
HAGGY: A sailor’s wife had chestnuts in her lap. I asked her very
nicely for one, and she said, “Fat hag, go away!” So I’m going to
put a little spell on her husband.
NAGGY & TWIT: I know what you can do!
NAGGY: Let’s give him scurvy!
TWIT: Let’s give him a pony! (HAGGY hits TWIT) Ow! Sorry.
HAGGY: No, Twit, let’s just turn him into a frog.
A didgeridoo sounds off.
TWIT: A didgeridoo, A didgeridoo, It doth be noble Mmmbeth’s cue!
MMMBETH and BANQUO enter. WITCHES hide by
striking 'tree' poses.
MMMBETH: My, what lovely trees!
BANQUO: Are we there yet?
WITCHES: Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
MMMBETH: No! We’re not there yet!
BANQUO: Did you just see what I just saw?
MMMBETH: What are you talking about?
TWIT runs around BANQUO and MMMBETH, yelling
like a banshee. WITCHES follow her and do the same.
WITCHES stop and kneel on the ground.
HAGGY: Hail!
NAGGY: Hail!
TWIT: (looking skyward) Weather looks fine to me!
HAGGY hits TWIT.
TWIT: (remembering cue) Oh! Hail!
HAGGY: All hail Mmmbeth, Hail to thee, Thane of Glamis!
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MMMBETH
9
MMMBETH: And then?
NAGGY: All hail Mmmbeth, Hail to thee, Thane of Cawdor!
MMMBETH: And then?
TWIT: All hail Mmmbeth, Hail to thee, Thou shalt be King hereafter.
MMMBETH: And then?
TWIT: You don’t wanna know yet.
WITCHES: Poof!
WITCHES disappear.
BANQUO: Cool! You’re going to be King!
MMMBETH: I better go write a letter to my wife about this — she needs
it for a prop in her next scene.
SCENE 4
MMMBETH on side writing letter. The WITCHES hover.
TWIT: Why do we have to be here? Isn’t she just going to read a letter?
HAGGY: Watch and learn, Twit.
TWIT: She’s gonna see us!
HAGGY: Don’t make me explain ectomorphic manifestation again.
NAGGY: What? (HAGGY looks sharply at NAGGY, who points at
TWIT) She said it! (NAGGY hits TWIT)
TWIT: Ow! Sorry.
LADY MMMBETH enters with letter in hand. She’s
wearing a frilly apron and pearls.
LADY MMMBETH: Ooo— a letter from my sweetheart! How dear of
him to think of me when he’s so busy slaughtering rebels and
doling out carnage on the battlefield all day. I don’t deserve him,
truly, I don’t.
NAGGY: This is what we’ve got to work with?
MMMBETH: Dear love, strange things have happened. Today, while
Banquo and I were walking through the forest, these three
bearded ladies —
LADY MMMBETH: My, how unusual!
MMMBETH: — magically appeared with the craziest news. According
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10
ALLISON WILLIAMS
to them, I’m soon to be King.
LADY MMMBETH: Oh, but we couldn’t possibly aspire —
NAGGY: What are we gonna do? She’s so nice! This isn’t The Nice
Guy of Scotland and His Lovely Wife, it’s Mmmbeth! Blood! Killing!
Witches!
HAGGY: Time for us to do a little witching, girls —
WITCHES:
Lady Mmmbeth, it's time to stop wishin’
And get in touch with your ambition
Fenny snake and hamster’s eye
Make Queen Duncan die, die, die!
HAGGY: Now let’s try that again!
Reverse action back to LADY MMMBETH entering with
the letter again.
LADY MMMBETH: Ooo — a letter from my sweetheart! (abrupt
personality shift, very evil) It’s about time!
MMMBETH: Dear love, strange things have happened. Today while
Banquo and I were walking through the forest, these three
bearded ladies —
LADY MMMBETH: Drag queens, honey — they were drag queens.
MMMBETH: — magically appeared with the craziest news. According
to them, I’m soon to be King. I was like, “Yeah, right. That’d be
nice… ”
LADY MMMBETH: Mmmm… Queen Lady Mmmbeth. I like that. It’s so
— regal. (switches to nice personality) I’d have to redo the dining
room to seat more than thirty-eight, though.
MMMBETH: I do have one question though. How did they know I was
Thane of Cawdor? I haven’t even told you yet. Oh yeah — I’m
Thane of Cawdor.
LADY MMMBETH: Thane of Cawdor! How nice! (evil personality) But
not as nice as King and Queen of Scotland.
MMMBETH: I’ll be bringing Queen Duncan back to the castle, so let’s
plan something fun, ok?
LADY MMMBETH: (nice personality — from here, they start to overlap)
Oh, I love throwing parties! Let’s see, clean the castle, plan the
murder of Queen Duncan, and bag the royal titles for ourselves. I
wonder if a Jell-o mold would be too formal?
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MMMBETH
11
MMMBETH: Your dearest pumpkiny-wumpkiny, Mmmbeth.
LADY MMMBETH: Awww. (folds the letter) How exciting! Come you
spirits that tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here! Come to my
woman’s breasts and take my milk for gall, you murdering
ministers! Oooo! Witches, Thane of Cawdor, King — what will I
wear? (she exits)
SCENE 5
Enter TWO SOLDIERS. SOLDIER 1 is wearing a giant
novelty cowboy hat. SOLDIER 2 is in WWII (or
contemporary) military gear.
SOLDIER 1: What are you wearing?
SOLDIER 2: What’re YOU wearing?
SOLDIER 1: At least I’m closer to the time period than you are.
SOLDIER 2: I didn’t know Styrofoam had a time period.
Enter QUEEN DUNCAN, BANQUO, and MACDUFF.
SOLDIERS stand straight.
QUEEN DUNCAN: Why, hello boys. Nice to see you today.
SOLDIERS: Hi Queen Duncan.
QUEEN DUNCAN: You sure look… historical. (looks around)
This castle hath a pleasant seat.
MACDUFF: I don’t know, it seems kind of damp and spooky to me.
Enter LADY MMMBETH with a sign that says “Welcome
Queen!” While struggling with the sign, she drops a
big knife and kicks it into the wings to hide it.
QUEEN DUNCAN: See, see, our honour’d hostess!
LADY MMMBETH: (sets down sign) All our service is at your service.
Cocktails are at three on the fiesta deck, there will be a scavenger
hunt tonight in the lounge, you’ll have your own valet, and the
murderers will be arriving at two.
QUEEN DUNCAN and SOLDIERS and MACDUFF: What?
LADY MMMBETH: I mean, how was your trip, darling?
QUEEN DUNCAN: Oh, it was long, but worth it. Have you met
Macduff? He’s the Thane of Fife, you know.
LADY MMMBETH: Charmed, I’m sure.
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ALLISON WILLIAMS
12
QUEEN DUNCAN: And of course you already know Banquo.
LADY MMMBETH: Yes, yes.
QUEEN DUNCAN: I have a wonderful idea — it came to me during
the battle! Wanna hear?
LADY MMMBETH: Sure.
QUEEN DUNCAN: Queen Duncan Donuts!
LADY MMMBETH: Donuts?
QUEEN DUNCAN: YES! It’ll make millions! You could be a partner.
LADY MMMBETH: I’ll think about it.
QUEEN DUNCAN: Well, I’m ready for a nap. It’s exhausting being so
brilliant.
LADY MMMBETH: How tall are you?
QUEEN DUNCAN: About five six, why? (use the actor's real height)
LADY MMMBETH: Would you prefer a wood grain finish or a
mahogany veneer with purple velvet lining?
QUEEN DUNCAN: What?
LADY MMMBETH: Oh, nothing. Let’s eat!
DUNCAN and LADY MMMBETH exit.
MACDUFF: Methinks something is rotten in the state of Scotland.
SOLDIER 1: Um, wrong play!
MACDUFF turns, notices SOLDIERS.
MACDUFF: Ah yes. Private Romeo, I presume? And no doubt it’s Juliet
under that charming chapeau?
BANQUO: (to MACDUFF) He does have a point.
MACDUFF: (draws sword) Do I have to kill someone to get a good exit
line around here?
SOLDIER 1: No, no, carry on.
BANQUO: Touchy, touchy!
SOLDIER 2: I thought the line was great.
MACDUFF: Brown-noser!
MACDUFF exits.
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MMMBETH
13
BANQUO: Think not on him ‘til tomorrow!
BANQUO exits. SOLDIERS shrug.
SOLDIER 1: Goodnight, sweet prince!
SOLDIER 2: Exit pursued by a bear!
SOLDIERS exit.
SCENE 6
The WITCHES enter and hover around. They whip out
the Magic 8-Ball and shake it.
HAGGY: Round about the 8-Ball go
Is it yes or is it no?
NAGGY: Use our powers to deeply scry
Tell us when Queen Duncan dies!
TWIT: Tail of turgid alligator
The 8-Ball tells us —
(flips it over)
Sorry, try again later.
The other witches hit TWIT.
TWIT: Ow! I’m just saying what it — (other witches hit TWIT) I can only
read the — (other witches hit TWIT) Ow! Sorry.
NAGGY: Shhh! Here they come!
MMMBETH calls from offstage.
MMMBETH: Honey! I’m home!
MMMBETH and LADY MMMBETH enter and run to
each other’s arms.
LADY MMMBETH: Is this a dagger I see before me?
MMMBETH: No, I’m just happy to see you. Isn’t it great having Queen
Duncan for a sleepover!
LADY MMMBETH: It’s fabulous! We can have the murder and the
coronation in the same place!
MMMBETH: Murder? Coronation?
LADY MMMBETH: You know! The witches said you’d be King! Which
would make me Queen. Mmmmm… Queen Lady Mmmbeth.
Ahhhhhhh. (briskly) No time like the present!
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ALLISON WILLIAMS
14
MMMBETH: Honey, I’m sure I’ll be King sooner or later. Queen
Duncan probably only has another 40 or 50 years left.
LADY MMMBETH: I am not waiting 50 years! I want that crown while
I’m still young enough to seduce the footmen!
MMMBETH: But we can’t kill Queen Duncan! She’s nice!
LADY MMMBETH: Oh, too bad.
MMMBETH: What?
LADY MMMBETH: I thought I was married to a real man. Not some
wussy little girl.
MMMBETH: Hey!
LADY MMMBETH: I want the lifeguard, not the ninety-pound weakling!
MMMBETH: But I’m —
LADY MMMBETH: I want a real man! (to audience member) Hey,
handsome. Have you ever wanted to rule Scotland? Do you own a
double-edged dagger? You and me could really go places, if you
know what I mean…
MMMBETH: Stop it! All right, all right! I’ll kill Duncan so you can be the
Queen!
LADY MMMBETH: That’s my little Macky-Wacky. Screw your courage to
the sticking place and let’s go get started on the plan.
They exit, LADY MMMBETH mouths “call me” to the
audience member.
SCENE 7
TWIT: (still holding the Magic 8-Ball) It’s doing something funny!
HAGGY: Did you touch it?
TWIT: (still holding it) Ummm… no.
NAGGY: It’s because I didn’t buy the upgrade. Every now and then it
gets a pop-up ad.
HAGGY: We’re getting commercials on the Magic 8-Ball?
NAGGY: Did you pony up the nine-ninety-five to upgrade? I don’t
think so!
TWIT: Guys? Guys! It’s taking over! It’s making me — (big announcer
voice) And now, a word from our sponsors.
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MMMBETH
15
HAGGY and NAGGY take up commercial positions.
HAGGY: Getting the crown.
Enter MMMBETH, down right.
MMMBETH: Five murders.
NAGGY: Keeping the crown.
Enter LADY MMMBETH, down right.
LADY MMMBETH: Ten sleepless nights.
HAGGY: Ruling Scotland.
MMMBETH & LADY MMMBETH: Priceless.
TWIT: Some things in life are priceless… For everything else, there’s
murder. And now, back to our regularly scheduled prophecy. (ALL
exit. TWIT snaps back to herself) Whoa…
HAGGY comes back, grabs TWIT, and takes her off.
SCENE 8
MACDUFF and LADY MMMBETH enter.
MACDUFF: This is a lovely castle.
LADY MMMBETH: (who is getting crazier) Why, thank you! When we
bought it, it was crumbling Gothic, but we’ve updated the façade
to Victorian with a modern twist. Here’s the wrap-around porch —
in June, we bring the swings out, and Mmmbeth puts up the
flower boxes. It’s so pleasant. We used to have a dog who sat on
the porch with us. Angus. His name was Angus. He fell off the
porch one day and died — or maybe he died because he fell off
the porch? We buried him, right underneath the deck, but
somebody dug him up.
MACDUFF: How terrible.
TWIT walks through with ‘dead’ stuffed dog.
LADY MMMBETH: We never found out who.
MACDUFF: That’s so sad. Now, what did you mean by, “the murderers
will be arriving at two?”
LADY MMMBETH: Oh, uh — that’s the family that lives next door! Bob
and Sue Murderer. Great friends, good neighbours.
Behind them, DUNCAN, screaming, is chased by
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16
ALLISON WILLIAMS
MURDERER 1 with dagger.
MACDUFF: What was that?
LADY MMMBETH: Nothing! That was just my dog. Wanna see my leg?
She distracts MACDUFF by raising her skirt just a little.
Behind them, DUNCAN, still screaming, is chased by
MURDERER 2 with a sword. MURDERER 1 follows with
an ax or sledgehammer.
MACDUFF: What was that?
LADY MMMBETH: Nothing! That wasn’t a murderer, that was, um, my
ostrich. Wanna see me dance?
She distracts MACDUFF by doing a little dance. Behind
them, DUNCAN, once again screaming, is chased by
MMMBETH with a chainsaw. MURDERER 1 is also in
pursuit. MURDERER 2 runs back on, realizes he’s
headed the wrong way, and re-exits.
MACDUFF: What was that?
LADY MMMBETH: That wasn’t my husband killing the Queen, that was
—
DUNCAN: (offstage) My part’s not over yet! I don’t wanna die this
early in the play!
Sounds of saw, DUNCAN screaming.
MACDUFF: Hey, that sounded like a chainsaw, cutting through bone
and muscle and tendons… that sounds like something I want to
see!
LADY MMMBETH: Oh, Help me hence, ho!
LADY MMMBETH faints. MACDUFF tries to carry LADY
MMMBETH offstage. It’s a losing battle. Enter
MMMBETH, carrying a bloody leg.
MMMBETH: Macduff! What a pleasant surprise! (holds out the bloody
leg, sees it, tosses leg aside, sticks out hand instead) The
Queen’s… asleep. Why don’t you go wake her?
MACDUFF: Yeah, I’ll do that. I’ll put a girdle round about the room in
forty minutes.
LADY MMMBETH: It shouldn’t take that long; she’s a light sleeper.
MACDUFF: I go to wive it wealthily in Padua!
MMMBETH: Oh, you’ll love Padua this time of year — the sun, the
sand —
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MMMBETH
17
MACDUFF: Can I please make a snappy exit!
MMMBETH: Oh, sorry.
LADY MMMBETH: Sure, don’t mind us.
MACDUFF: (posing) Parting is such sweet sorrow! (exits)
MMMBETH: He doesn’t know the half of it.
Enter BANQUO.
BANQUO: What’s going on? How come everyone’s awake?
LADY MMMBETH and MMMBETH speak the following
two speeches simultaneously. The underlined parts are
in unison.
LADY MMMBETH: I was just going to the bathroom and as I was
walking down the hall I realized I’d forgotten to put my nighty on
and so there I was prancing around in the altogether and this
castle gets pretty drafty let me tell you so I whipped into the
nearest bedroom I could find and who should I see but my
husband, enjoying a midnight snack! So we were just heading
down to the kitchen to get some horseradish and then we met
Macduff in the hall and I guess we made some noise — so sorry
to wake you.
MMMBETH: I heard this noise so I got out of bed and as I was walking
down the hall I realized I was pretty hungry, I mean guarding the
Queen all night and you work up kind of an appetite. So I
grabbed a plate and some beef and whipped into the nearest
bedroom I could find and who should I see but my wife, totally
nude! So I grabbed some sheets and made her a toga and we
said what we need is horseradish and then I heard you in the hall,
Banquo, but it’s really nothing — so sorry to wake you.
BANQUO: (stunned) Oh. Okay, well I guess I’ll just go back to —
MACDUFF enters.
MACDUFF: O horror! Horror! Horror!
Tongue nor heart cannot conceive nor name thee!
O Banquo, Banquo, our royal master’s murder’d!
LADY MMMBETH: What, in our house? How tacky!
MMMBETH: Oh, no!
MMMBETH runs off. Two offstage screams. MMMBETH
runs on.
MMMBETH: Oh, heck! I just accidentally killed the guards!
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ALLISON WILLIAMS
18
MACDUFF: Wherefore did you so?
MMMBETH: Who can be wise, amazed, temperate and furious
Loyal and neutral, in a moment
So I was bloody luxurious and avaricious, and all of a sudden I
was killing again!
LADY MMMBETH: Besides, we didn’t want any witnesses. (ALL look at
LADY MMMBETH) Oops! Help me hence, ho!
LADY MMMBETH faints again. BANQUO and
MACDUFF indicate ‘I’m not picking her up’ and leave
her there. MMMBETH fusses over LADY MMMBETH.
BANQUO and MACDUFF step forward.
BANQUO: He hast it now: King, Cawdor, Glamis, all,
As the witches promised. But I have a feeling that something’s
rotten in the state of Scotland.
MACDUFF: Ha! Ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha! Used that one! Used it
already! Now you find something to exit on, funny boy! I’m going
back to Fife!
MACDUFF exits.
BANQUO: Yeah? Well — this town ain’t big enough for the both of us!
(to MMMBETH) And I’ve got my eye on you, too! (BANQUO exits.)
LADY MMMBETH: (Getting up from her faint) Ohh — where am I?
Who are you? (sees no one else is around, and whips out list) All
right. Three down, just a few more to go! Can you kill Banquo
before the banquet tonight?
MMMBETH: But I already killed Queen Duncan! And those two guards!
LADY MMMBETH: Look, do you want to be King or don’t you?
MMMBETH: I don’t know…
LADY MMMBETH: (really evil) Well, I want to be Queen! So grab your
dagger, tighten your kilt, and let’s get going!
SCENE 9
WITCHES enter with Magic 8-Ball.
HAGGY: Double, double, toil and trouble
NAGGY: Mysterious dark blue liquid, bubble! (HAGGY looks at
NAGGY) Well, it is.
HAGGY: Show us now the fatal night
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MMMBETH
19
Where Banquo’s soul must take its flight!
TWIT: It’s doing it again! It’s doing it again!
HAGGY: Nine-ninety-five. That’s all it would have taken!
NAGGY: Then you should have bought the upgrade!
TWIT: (announcer voice) We’ll be right back after this message.
Enter MURDERER 1 on a diagonal, MURDERER 2 sits
listlessly on the ground.
HAGGY: Carlos doesn’t laugh and play like the other murderers. He
lives in a tiny village, where he lacks food, education, and even
basic medical care.
NAGGY: Despite what you see on the evening news, there aren’t
enough bloodthirsty rulers, power-hungry thanes, or ruthless
mercenaries to provide shelter and clothing for all the world’s
murderers.
MURDERER 1: Here at Save the Murderers, we believe that no killer
should be left behind. Every criminal is entitled to basic human
needs, and should be given opportunities to develop new skills.
NAGGY: For just pennies a day, you can provide Carlos — or a
murderer just like him — with a dagger, poison capsules, night
vision goggles, and a ninja suit.
HAGGY: Your donation — less than the cost of a first-class letter —
will send your murderer to an advanced assassin's training
program.
MURDERER 1: We even provide the murderers with opportunities to
practice their new skills. Skills that will feed them for a lifetime.
TWIT enters as VICTIM.
VICTIM: Thanks to Save the Murderers, I get three meals a day, a
comfortable barracks to sleep in, and can participate in companysponsored watersports. I also…
MURDERER 2 kills VICTIM, who screams in agony and
dies.
HAGGY: Call us toll free at 1-800-S-T-A-B-Y-O-U. Your tax-free
donation of just fifteen dollars a month will go directly to help
murderers like Carlos. You’ll receive a picture of your murderer,
and a monthly letter that tells how your murderer is benefiting
from your sponsorship.
MURDERER 1: So call now. It takes so little to do so much.
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ALLISON WILLIAMS
20
MURDERER 2: Don’t all murderers deserve to dream?
WITCHES and BOTH MURDERERS: Save the Murderers. We kill
because we care.
ALL exit.
SCENE 10
MMMBETH and BANQUO enter.
MMMBETH: Tonight we hold a solemn supper, sir
And I’ll request your presence.
BANQUO: Ummm — I kind of have plans. I mean, I was going to try
and escape with my life on a fast horse and —
MMMBETH: My wife makes a mean pot roast!
BANQUO: Mmmm… pot roast. Okay!
MMMBETH: It is concluded. Banquo, thy soul’s flight
If it find heaven, must find it out tonight!
BANQUO: What?
MMMBETH: Oh, nothing. Look up there! (MMMBETH exits)
BANQUO: (looks at sky) I wonder if it’ll rain tonight.
MURDERERS enter.
MURDERER 1: Let it come down!
BANQUO: Oh run good Fleance, run! O I am slain!
MURDERER 2: Fleance? Who’s Fleance?
BANQUO: He’s my son. We didn’t cast anyone to play him because all
he does is run away.
MURDERER 1: Not much of a son.
BANQUO: Can we please just continue with the murder?
MURDERERS 1 and 2 try to kill BANQUO but end up
stabbing each other. BANQUO is puzzled. LADY
MMMBETH enters in an apron with a big plate of
cookies. She is also wearing a "Cookie-gram" delivery
hat low on her head.
LADY MMMBETH: (in a disguised voice) Are you Banquo?
BANQUO: Yeah.
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MMMBETH
21
LADY MMMBETH: Cookie-gram! Sign here.
BANQUO: Oh, goodie! Who’s it from?
LADY MMMBETH: Mmmbeth!
LADY MMMBETH pulls out a big knife-shaped cookie
and stabs BANQUO. BANQUO stumbles and dies.
LADY MMMBETH gets blood all over her frilly apron.
LADY MMMBETH: You just can’t get good help these days.
BODIES exit. LADY MMMBETH removes the hat.
LADY MMMBETH: Hmmm. Queen Duncan murdered, Banquo dead.
What do you know! That was my whole list today!
SCENE 11
Fanfare music. LADY MMMBETH, her frilly apron now
bloodstained, fusses as a table is brought in.
LADY MMMBETH: Just put it there, dear. Oh, I love a good party!
(MMMBETH enters, followed by ALL) Welcome everyone, to
Dunsinane Castle! And as King Mmmbeth always says, it may be
a cold, drafty, spooky pile of rocks on a desolate coast, but we
just call it home!
MMMBETH and LADY MMMBETH take seats at
opposite ends of the table. DUNCAN, WITCHES,
MURDERERS take places at the table. ALL make small
talk.
LADY MMMBETH: (to MURDERERS) Oh, so nice to have you all here.
Have you tried the cheese log? Those are slivered almonds on it!
HAGGY: (to NAGGY) Have you seen the cheese log? And they call us
weird sisters? There’s melon cubes with frilly toothpicks in them!
MMMBETH: Friends, Witches, Murderers! Lend me your ears!
TWIT: (tries to pull off ear) Ow!
Other WITCHES look embarrassed. HAGGY hits TWIT.
TWIT: Sorry.
MMMBETH: Thank you for joining us this evening for the first day of my
reign over Scotland. A toast. (ALL raise cups) To the future of the
Mmmbeth dynasty!
ALL: To the Mmmbeth dynasty!
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22
ALLISON WILLIAMS
QUEEN DUNCAN: Long live the Mmmbeth dynasty!
MURDERER 2: Hey, she’s supposed to be dead!
QUEEN DUNCAN: Oh, fine. (she falls dead)
MMMBETH: Now, during my reign, I’d like to start a new program of
preserving the environment. Have any of you seen the state of
Birnham Wood lately? People are cutting down trees at a
horrendous rate. Let me get my pie charts —
BANQUO enters as a ghost. Only MMMBETH can see
BANQUO.
BANQUO: Mmmbeth! I am so disappointed in you! I mean, my best
friend! After all those years we spent at school together, giving
swirlies to the younger thanes, camping out in Birnham Wood —
hey, remember that time we told Macduff there was a snake on
top of his sleeping bag and we'd go get the teacher and he stayed
there without moving for two hours until we finally came back?
Man, good times. (back to the point) And now you murder me?
What a backstabber!
MMMBETH: Augh! Shut up! (to ALL) Which one of you hath done this?
ALL: What? What are you talking about? (etc)
BANQUO sorrowfully shakes his head.
BANQUO: And now you're having a party without me, too!
MMMBETH: Thou canst not say I did it: never shake thy gory locks at
me!
MURDERER 2: King’s going crazy. Let’s split.
LADY MMMBETH: Sit, worthy friends — he’s been a borderline
schizophrenic since childhood. Regard it not. (to MURDERER 2)
Get the Prozac blowdarts! (pulls MMMBETH aside) Are you a
man?
MMMBETH: What kind of question is that?! How can you keep a
straight face when there’s a dead body dancing right there?
BANQUO disappears and music dies out.
MMMBETH: I swear Banquo was right there! And he was pointing, and
laughing, and saying I murdered… (notices everyone looking at
him) But he wasn’t because he’s not here. He’s perfectly well and
riding through the forest with Fleance. He and Fleance are both
somewhere far away. Maybe they’re on a beach, sipping drinks
with umbrellas in them! Yes. They are. Heh heh.
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MMMBETH
23
BANQUO enters again.
MMMBETH: Avaunt! And quit my sight! Hence unreal mockery! Hence!
BANQUO sticks out tongue and leaves.
MMMBETH: Augh! I’m going crazy!
LADY MMMBETH: (to ALL, making them leave) All right, so nice to have
you, we must do this again sometime, I’ll send you the recipe for
the haggis, ta-ta, it’s been delightful, next time we’ll all get
together at your castle. I can’t wait to see what you’ve done with
the place!
ALL but MMMBETH and LADY MMMBETH exit.
DUNCAN is still lying on the floor.
LADY MMMBETH: Ahem! Don’t you have a pyramid scheme to be
setting up somewhere?
QUEEN DUNCAN: Oh, yeah! (gets up and leaves) Now, the franchises
are going to cost ten thousand up front, that’s for using my name,
and…
MMMBETH takes LADY MMMBETH’s hand and leads
her to sit together.
MMMBETH: Honey, I did something terrible. I had my best friend
Banquo murdered.
LADY MMMBETH: I know, I stabbed him with a big cookie knife! But
you didn’t have to ruin the party! We were going to play charades
and have cocktails.
MMMBETH: This always happens, doesn’t it? All our friends come over
and I see some bloody apparition and ruin everything.
LADY MMMBETH: And I worked so hard on those canapés, too. There
were pigs in blankets, did you get one?
MMMBETH: Was there spicy mustard to dip them in?
LADY MMMBETH nods sadly. MMMBETH stands and
girds his loins for action.
I will avenge your spoiled dinner party or my name isn’t
Mmmbeth!
I’ll to the three weird sisters.
More shall they speak, for now I am bent to know,
by the worst means, the worst.
Those witches are some smart chicks.
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ALLISON WILLIAMS
24
LADY MMMBETH exits, MMMBETH crosses as
WITCHES appear.
SCENE 12
WITCHES appear in sexy poses.
HAGGY: Hey sailor…
NAGGY: Looking for us?
HAGGY: We knew you’d be coming around
TWIT: We asked the Magic 8-Ball!
HAGGY: (hits TWIT) Can’t you keep a secret!?
TWIT: Ow! Sorry.
MMMBETH: All right, ladies — it’s time to lay it on the line. I’ve killed
Duncan. I’ve killed Banquo. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I’m seeing
ghosts, and my party was a flop. What’s in this for me?
HAGGY: Do you really want to know?
TWIT: Why else would he come here? (WITCHES look at her, she hits
herself) Ow! Sorry.
NAGGY: You’ve worn out your welcome here, big boy. You gotta ask
Big Mama Hecate.
MMMBETH: Big who?
HAGGY: Big Mama Hecate’s the head witch around here.
TWIT: She’s not usually in the play ‘cause her scene’s kind of
confusing, and Shakespeare probably didn’t even write that part!
HAGGY: Twit! Don’t make me get the spoon. (calling dramatically) Big
Mama Hecate!
HECATE enters, a big, beautiful blues queen in full club
regalia.
HECATE: Did somebody call my name?
WITCHES and HECATE: (à la Aretha Franklin)
Oooo - You killed the king
The crown you get it
And now you’re sad
You’re gonna regret it
And all because of
Just a little killing
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MMMBETH
25
WITCHES:
Just a little bit
HECATE:
Killing
WITCHES:
Just a little bit
HECATE and WITCHES:
K-I-L-L-I-N-G
Just like in the prophecy
King of Scotland on the throne
Now you’re sad, you’re all alone
Stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, stab (16 times)
Killing
Ooooooh!
HECATE: Listen up and listen good, Mmmbeth. We got three powerful
warnings for you. One —
HAGGY: Watch out for Macduff!
MMMBETH: But he’s my friend!
HAGGY: Hey, it’s your funeral.
HECATE: Two —
NAGGY: None of woman born shall harm Mmmbeth!
MMMBETH: What the heck does that mean?
NAGGY: We just dish it out, baby — interpretation is up to you.
TWIT (chirpy voice) : You’re smart, you’ll figure it out! I mean, (spooky
voice) Ooo…
HECATE: Three —
TWIT: Ain’t nothing can beat you until the trees of Birnham Wood
come marching up to your front door!
MMMBETH: Well, obviously that’s impossible! I’m set for life! Ok, ok,
just one more thing —
HECATE: You got your three prophecies, baby. Don’t get greedy.
MMMBETH: Oh, come on, just one more little prophecy? Pretty please?
HECATE: Are you sure you wanna know?
MMMBETH: Tell me, tell me, tell me!
HECATE: Mmmmbeth, I got some bad news for you, child — all that
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ALLISON WILLIAMS
26
killing? You did it all for nothin’. You gonna be the King, sure, but
you gonna get killed, you gonna get de-throned, you not even
gonna have any babies to inherit.
MMMBETH: No kids? No little Prince Mmmbeth?
HECATE: We’re witches, baby — just cause you get what you want
don’t mean you gonna want what you get. Come on girls.
WITCHES and HECATE exit singing.
MMMBETH: Watch out for Macduff, none of woman born shall harm
me; I’m safe until Birnham wood comes to my house? Maybe it’s
some kind of metaphor about my urban planning program?
Augh! I don’t get it! Well, at least I can control one thing, right? I
can just get rid of Macduff! Yeah, that’s it! Murderers! I’ve got
another job for you! Double pay! With overtime! And a great 401
(k) plan! (Canadian productions may substitute "RRSP" for 401 (k).)
MMMBETH exits.
SCENE 13
A baby starts crying offstage.
HAGGY: Now we’ve got Mmmbeth in deep
‘Round his heart the evil creeps
NAGGY: Off he goes to kill Macduff
Another murder, not enough!
TWIT: Stabbing, killing, hacking, maybe
Do I have to watch him kill the baby?
HAGGY: Eh, I never liked that part, either. Grow up, kid!
Baby crying stops. Enter SON OF MACDUFF, played
by the same actor as MACDUFF, wearing a backwards
baseball hat and carrying a female wig.
SON: Mom! Mom! Hey mom! Where’s my freakin’ dinner?! And it
better not be haggis again! Or that weird sausage stuff you keep
telling me is “traditional.”
Enter MURDERERS carrying frying pans.
MURDERER 1: I’m tellin’ you man, Mac said Castle Fife!
MURDERER 2: I thought it was Castle Knife.
MURDERER 1: No, dingus, the knife is what we stab him with!
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MMMBETH
27
MURDERER 2: Then why do we have frying pans?
MURDERER 1: I think it’s an Elizabethan thing.
SON: Who are these idiots? Hey! Who are you?
MURDERER 2: Hey, Macduff. You’re not supposed to be here!
SON: I’m not Macduff! I’m Macduff Junior! The Son of Macduff!
MURDERER 1: Are you sure? You look an awful lot like Macduff.
SON: See this cap? This cap is backwards. Son of Macduff!
MURDERER 2: Ok, so where’s your mother?
SON: (Holds up wig) She’ll be here in a minute.
MURDERER 1: Are you sure you want us to kill you?
SON: Yeah, come on! How bad can it be? I mean, look at you guys!
Was this the best Mmmbeth could get? What, there was a sale on
murderers at Wal-Mart?
MURDERER 2: What?! You egg! The young fry of treachery!
MURDERER 1 holds SON while MURDERER 2 bashes
SON in the head with a frying pan. SON dies.
MURDERER 1 grabs the wig, pulls up SON.
MURDERER 1: Ok, time for the Death of Lady Macduff.
SON: Oh, no, I ain’t doin’ that again, B. That broke my skriznef for
real, yo.
MURDERER 1: What are you talking about?
SON: You know, that dranged on my sheestraw.
MURDERER 1: What?
SON: That hurts!
MURDERER 2: Don’t break character, you idiot!… Aww fish sticks!
SON: I’m outta here. (He exits)
MURDERER 2: No, wait, we need a Lady Macduff! Man! I don’t believe
this! Hey… ! (goes into audience, sets wig on VOLUNTEER — pick
a happy looking mom-aged lady close to the aisle. Old enough to
play along and not upstage you, young enough to fall on the
floor.) Let’s welcome Lady Macduff! (leads round of applause)
MURDERER 1: Pleased to meet you. I’m Murderer 1. This is my
associate Murderer 2. We need to kill you.
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ALLISON WILLIAMS
28
MURDERER 2: Nothing personal. It’s pretty simple.
MURDERER 1: We’ll help you. Just listen closely.
MURDERER 1 steps back, gives the thumbs up sign to
the VOLUNTEER and to MURDERER 2, who speaks as
sports commentator.
MURDERER 2: And it’s a tense night here at the Macduff house!
Macduff Junior is down for the count, and Lady Macduff is
weighing the options, fight or flight! (looks at VOLUNTEER, who
probably does nothing) Oh, it looks like she’s paralyzed by
indecision! The murderers are closing in. (hands knife to
MURDERER 1) That’s a clean handoff on the knife and Murderer 1
takes a clean shot at the chest! (MURDERER 1 gently lifts
VOLUNTEER’s arm and tucks knife under) Lady Macduff is
stumbling! She sways left! She sways right! She’s still on her feet!
She drops to her knees! (MURDERER 1 puts down pillow for
VOLUNTEER to kneel on. Encourage her to kneel if needed) Lady
Macduff is straining to breathe — that’s gotta be a direct hit to the
left ventricle — and this is not looking good for the home team!
She struggles to her feet again! (repeat the instructions if she
doesn’t do it the first time, or give her encouraging hand signals)
She spins around! She goes into convulsions! And she dies!
VOLUNTEER hits the ground.
BOTH MURDERERS: Over there.
VOLUNTEER re-dies at new location.
MURDERER 2: And that’s the game, that wraps it up, it’s all over from
here! Let’s hear it for our Lady Macduff!
The MURDERERS lead applause and escort
VOLUNTEER to the edge of the stage.
MURDERER 1: All right — Son of Macduff, dead. Lady Macduff, dead.
Let’s head back to Mmmbeth’s castle and —
Sound of baby crying again.
MURDERER 2: Guess we missed one!
MURDERER 1: I’ll get it!
MURDERER 1 heads for the sound of crying. Lights out.
Crying stops. Lights on WITCHES.
HAGGY: Double double toil and trouble
Fire burn and cauldron bubble.
Copyrighted Material for promotional purposes. Do not print or copy. Performances for an audience subject
to royalty regardless of whether or not admission is charged. Visit http://tfolk.me/p37 to order a printable
copy or for rights/royalties pricing.
Copyrighted Material
MMMBETH
29
NAGGY: Mmmbeth’s going to get his due
His wife is going crazy, too.
HAGGY: Now she’s walking in her sleep —
Disguise ourselves and take a peep!
TWIT: Magic charms become unlock’d here
This time Twit gets to be the doctor?
HAGGY and NAGGY: Nice try!
SCENE 14
Enter HAGGY as DOCTOR and NAGGY and TWIT as
GENTLEWOMEN.
DOCTOR: I don’t normally make housecalls, you know. What’s the
problem?
GENTLEWOMAN NAGGY: It’s Lady Mmmbeth. She’s been
sleepwalking, and doing this weird handwashing thing, and
talking about blood and chainsaws and her old dog, Angus.
DOCTOR: And what have you done for her?
GENTLEWOMAN TWIT: Hey, we don’t do windows, chamberpots, or
psychos wandering in the night.
DOCTOR: You are so stupid.
GENTLEWOMAN NAGGY: Yeah, like you have a Ph. D.
DOCTOR: I do.
GENTLEWOMAN NAGGY: Oh.
LADY MMMBETH enters. She is still wearing the frilly
apron, now completely covered in blood.
DOCTOR: Shh, here she comes!
GENTLEWOMAN TWIT: She’s dead to the world. Look. HEY, LADY
MAC!! See?
DOCTOR: Shut up.
LADY MMMBETH: See spot. Rub, spot, rub! Clean, clean, clean!
QUEEN DUNCAN enters, carrying a box of donuts.
QUEEN DUNCAN: Now I figure we open stores in Edinburgh,
Glasgow, and Loch Lomond first, get the tourists hooked…
LADY MMMBETH: See Duncan. See Duncan run. Go, Duncan, go. Go,
go, go.
Copyrighted Material for promotional purposes. Do not print or copy. Performances for an audience subject
to royalty regardless of whether or not admission is charged. Visit http://tfolk.me/p37 to order a printable
copy or for rights/royalties pricing.
Copyrighted Material
MMMBETH
By Allison Williams
Comedy - Simple set - 40 minutes
[5W + 5 Either Gender, Expandable to 16]
Premiered at the Kentucky Shakespeare Festival.
Perform Mmmbeth and Hamlette together for a full evening of
Shakespearean silliness!
A hilarious mixed-gender take on the Scottish play!
Everything goes wrong. The witches take over the
storytelling, Queen Duncan would rather open a donut
franchise than die, Lady M's a bloodthirsty June Cleaver,
and the murderers are preoccupied with creating a
commercial for their services.
Theatrefolk
Original Playscripts
PO Box 1064, Crystal Beach, ON, Canada L0S 1B0
Tel 1-866-245-9138 / Fax 1-877-245-9138
Email [email protected] / Web www.theatrefolk.com
Copyrighted Material for promotional purposes. Do not print or copy. Performances for an audience subject
to royalty regardless of whether or not admission is charged. Visit http://tfolk.me/p37 to order a printable
copy or for rights/royalties pricing.
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866​
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877​
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