(A Middle Grade Chapter Book)
by
L.M. Falcone
Text and Illustrations © L.M. Falcone
THERE’S A NEW SUPERHERO IN TOWN (Well, sort of)
HE’S CHUBBY. HE’S CUTE.
HE’S FRANKIE!
“Farty PantZ!”
(ALF meets Captain Underpants meets The Time Warp Trio)
The rip-roaring Farty PantZ! chronicles the madcap adventures of
mild-mannered fourth grader Frankie Fazulli. When his parents run
away from home, Frankie’s taken in by nasty neighbor, Mrs.
Hackenbush, and her sons, Bert and Yert. After losing his beloved
pants to a bully named No-Neck, Frankie takes refuge inside the
school dumpster. Here he meets two sarcastic aliens (Hoochka #1
and Hoochka #2) who grant him his wish to fly (find a Hoochka – get
a wish – it’s the law). Unfortunately, Hoochka #2 has a twisted sense
of humor and throws in gas to fly with! How Rude! In spite of this
humiliating set-back, Frankie joins forces with the Hoochkas and nononsense side-kick, Julia-Simone (the smartest girl in fourth grade –
plus a four/five split). In book one, the gang band together and fly to
the Romanian village of Booga Booga where they fight brain-dead
Zombonies and roving Vampires in an effort to save not only
Frankie's parents, but the world!
Farty PantZ! is an exciting and hilarious action-adventure series for
the younger reader.
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Farty PantZ! Copyright © L.M. Falcone
CHAPTER 1
Frankie’s Parents Run Away
This is the note my parents left when
they ran away from home. (It was a Saturday)
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Mean Mrs. Hackenbush lived next door with her kids, Bert and
Yert. After she read the letter she looked down at me. “Don’t
worry, Frankie. We’ll look after you.”
“L-o-s-e-r,” said Bert, sticking his fingers in his ears and
wiggling them.
Yert smirked. “Even his own parents don’t want him.”
Overnight my life changed ... and I was miserable.
*****
A week later things went from bad to worse (if that’s possible –
which it is). Mrs. Hackenbush forced me to make the beds, do the
laundry, wash the dishes and – since Bert and Yert were dumber
than dirt – do their homework too.
The next week things got even worse (if that’s possible –
which it is). I was in the kitchen with Bruno eating one measly
cookie when Mrs. Hackenbush glared at me and shouted, “You’re
eating way too much, Frankie! Food costs a fortune. And get that
stinky flea-bag out of my kitchen!” Her finger and her eyebrow
shot up. “Things are about to change! Yes siree, Bob!”
From then on, Mrs. Hackenbush, Bert and Yert sat at the
table loaded with food, while I ate outside with Bruno.
The other change was worse (if that’s possible – which it is).
All I was allowed to eat were beans. They were the cheapest food
Mrs. Hackenbush could buy and that’s what I got – morning, noon
and night.
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Farty PantZ! Copyright © L.M. Falcone
They ate chicken.
I ate beans.
They ate spaghetti. I ate beans.
They ate pizza.
I ate beans.
Can you see where this is heading?
CHAPTER 2
Unhappy Birthday
April Fool’s Day is my birthday. Figures, doesn’t it? I grabbed my
breakfast beans and headed for the door.
“Hey kid,” said Bert. “Since it’s your birthday, we’ll allow
you to sit with us.”
Yert slapped a party hat on my head, Bert handed me a
plate.
“Gee thanks!”
I scooped up a spoonful of raisins and sprinkled them on
the pancakes. Then I poured on a ton of syrup.
When I took a bite I noticed – the raisins were crawling!
“SPIDERS!!!!” I screamed, falling backward.
Hacking and coughing I rolled around the floor. Bert and
Yert practically peed themselves laughing.
Just then Mrs. Hackenbush came in. She was carrying a
huge present wrapped with silver metallic paper and a big, blue
bow. “Naughty boys,” she said. “It’s Freddie’s birthday.”
“My name’s Frankie.”
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“Whatever.”
She handed me the present.
I ripped into it like a bulldog going after a bone. My eyes
jumped out of their sockets when I saw the picture on the box –
an X38 Tornado Robot with dual jet propulsion!
“Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!”
I plunged in to find ... laundry. Dirty laundry.
Mrs. Hackenbush, Bert and Yert whooped and hollered so
loud you could hear them down the block. I ran out the door so
they wouldn’t see me crying.
As I swung around the side of the school I crashed into NoNeck. No-Neck’s an eighth grader who makes Bert and Yert look
like choir girls. He was throwing a basketball when we collided.
The ball shot up past the net and landed on the roof. It stayed
there.
No-Neck turned red as a beet and smoke shot out his nose
holes (they were too big to be called nostrils). “You’re gonna pay
for this, Rat Face!”
He picked me up, threw me to the ground, and sat on my
head.
Just then the school bus came barreling down the road. NoNeck knew he’d be in big trouble if he got caught. (We have a ‘No
Torture’ rule at our school that’s strictly enforced.)
When the bus zoomed into the driveway I figured I was safe.
Nope. No-Neck jumped up, yanked off my pants, and threw them
over the basketball hoop! Then he took off, laughing like a hyena.
I had to hide – fast. But where? Where?
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Farty PantZ! Copyright © L.M. Falcone
CHAPTER 3
The Hoochkas
My eyes ping-ponged around the yard. Then I saw it – a big, green
dumpster!
I raced over and a miracle happened. I leaped high enough
to land inside. Unfortunately, my jump caused a huge fart to
escape from you-know-where.
The lid slammed shut.
Everything went pitch black.
Out of the darkness a voice said, “Did you just fart?”
“Huh?”
“Did – you – just - fart?”
“I couldn’t help it!” I cried. “It’s the beans!”
“Well, next time give us some warning.”
“I didn’t know you were here!”
“Good point.”
“Umm ... who are you exactly?”
“I’m not a who, I’m a what. A Hoochka. Hoochka #1 to be
exact.”
“Is there a Hoochka #2?”
“Hoochkas always travel in pairs,” said a deeper voice.
“Any fool knows that.”
A flashlight snapped on. I gasped when I saw them.
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“Now,” said the girl Hoochka. “Let’s get down to business.”
“W-what business?” I asked.
“Your fine for stinking up our home.”
“Oh, ah, okay. How much do you want?”
“73 cents.”
“My money’s in my pants. My pants are flapping in the
wind.”
“So?” said Hoochka #2. “Go get them. And be quick about
it.”
“The basketball hoop’s twelve feet high. I’m four foot one.”
Hoochka #1 sighed. “Just fly up and get them.”
“Humans can’t fly.”
“Since when?”
“Since forever.”
“Then just make a wish,” sniffed Hoochka #2, “and get it
over with.”
“A wish? I get a birthday wish?”
He grunted. “What a moron.”
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Farty PantZ! Copyright © L.M. Falcone
“It’s the law,” said Hoochka #1. “Find a Hoochka, get a
wish.”
“No way! Really?”
Hoochka #2 rolled his eyes. “He’s getting on my nerves.”
“I get to make a wish?”
“Clean out the ear wax, kid.”
“I can ask for anything?”
Hoochka #1 smiled. “Go for it.”
I lifted the trash lid a crack and eyeballed my pants.
Suddenly, I heard myself saying, “I wish I could fly.”
“Done,” said Hoochka #1.
“Not ... so ... fast.”
“Oh yes. Hoochka #2 has to give you a wish too. We work in
pairs, you know.”
“Hmmm,” said Hoochka #2. “What can I give you? Hmmm. It
has to be something really special. Hmmm.”
I held my breath.
“Got it! Things that fly need gas. Let’s put those beans to
work!”
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Farty PantZ! Copyright © L.M. Falcone
I farted so loud – and with such force – that the lid ripped
right off the dumpster.
CHAPTER 4
It’s Farty PantZ!
As I flew toward the basketball hoop the whole school was
standing in the yard.
“Is it a bird?”
“Is it a plane?”
“No!” shouted Bert. “It’s Farty PantZ!”
Everybody laughed.
I whooshed past the basketball net, grabbed my pants, and
kept going.
Until a tree stopped me.
Hoochka #1 appeared sitting at the end of the branch. “So,
how’d you like your gifts?”
Stars spun around my head.
“The gifts,” she repeated. “You like?”
“Where’s Hoochka #2!?”
“What’s up?” he asked, scratching his armpit.
“TAKE YOUR GIFT BACK!”
“Why?”
“WHY!? Farting’s no GIFT!”
“It is where I come from.”
“Well, it’s not here!”
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“Take it to the complaint department.”
I was so mad I grabbed him by the ears and twisted.
“YEEEEEOWWWWW!!” he screamed, and disappeared.
“Where’d he go!?”
Hoochka #1 shrugged. “How do I know? I’m not his
mother.” She whipped out a pad and pencil. “So, tell me your
complaint.”
“You’re the complaint department?
“State your problem in thirty syllables or less.”
“My problem is the gift Hoochka #2 gave me! I don’t want it!
Make him take it back!”
“Can’t help you.”
“But you’re the complaint department!”
“I listened to your complaint, didn’t I?”
Suddenly, a flash of lightning cut through the sky and a
drop of rain fell on Hoochka #1’s head.
“Ewww! Water!” she cried. “Eww! Eww! Eww!”
She vanished too.
CHAPTER 5
Meet Julia-Simone
“Hey, Frankie!”
“Huh?”
I fell straight to the ground. Julia-Simone was staring down
at me. She’s my best friend and the brainiac of the fourth grade
(plus a four/five split).
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“How the heck did you get up there?” she asked. “And what
are you doing with your pants off?”
“I’m fine. Thanks.”
“Don’t be a baby. The bump’ll go down in a week or two.”
(Julia-Simone has nine brothers. She’s tough as nails.)
I pushed myself up.
“Sooo, how the heck did you get in that tree? And what are
you doing with your pants off?”
“It’s a long story.”
“Tell me,” she said. “I’m all ears.”
She was right about that. Julia-Simone has bucky teeth and
ears big enough to hide behind.
I told her everything that happened.
She didn’t believe me.
“Watch,” I said.
Lifting my arm, I farted like a machine gun, and shot straight
out of the park. Seconds later I was back.
“What a gas!” she squealed.
“You got that right.”
“This is great!”
“Great?” I said. “You call farting great?”
“Flying, you fool. Flying’s great. Who cares what it sounds
like?”
“I do!”
“Look at the big picture here, Frankie. You can fly. Just
think of the possibilities.”
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“Forget the possibilities! I don’t want people laughing at me!
He’s got to take the wish back!”
“Who?”
“Hoochka #2.”
“I thought it was Hoochka #1.”
“There are two of them. They travel in pairs. Hoochka #1
gave me my wish to fly. Hoochka #2 gave me the gas to fly with.”
I pulled on my pants.
“It’s rude to return a gift, Frankie.”
“Not this gift.”
“What if they take back the flying part too? Did you think of
that? Huh?”
“I’ll take my chances.”
I headed off.
“Where you going?” Julia-Simone caught up to me.
“I know the law. Find a Hoochka, get a wish.”
“Frankie, you can’t find somebody twice if they’re still in the
same place.” (I told you she was smart.)
“Now what am I gonna do?”
“I’ve got it!” She grinned. “I’ll find them. Then I get a wish.”
“You’d use your wish to help me?”
She smiled a toothy grin. “What are friends for?”
Great. I’d still get to fly, but without farting my brains out.
What could be better than that?
This was turning into a happy birthday after all.
(More rip-roaring ‘Farty PantZ’ coming soon!)
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