Canadian Nobel
Prize Winners
The Legend of Sam Steele
The ultimate symbol of social prestige, the Nobel Prize is awarded each year in Stockholm to the intellectual
was a legend. Here are several easily verifiable facts about Canada’s most famous
giants of their fields. Several Canadians have won the award, despite a feud with Sweden that dates back to the
grizzled Mountie.
“Fuck You, Sweden” incident of 1956. Here are a few of Canada’s most esteemed Nobel laureates.
Ran Jonas—Economics
McGill professor Ran Jonas became a hero of right-wing capitalists worldwide in 1982 when he mathematically
proved that poor people are, in fact, lazy. In the wake of his landmark discovery, treatment of the homeless in
Canada went from “generally cruel” to “awe-inspiringly mean.”
Jeff Ball—Literature
In his bestselling 1999 book Climbing Mount Anxiety: My Medication-Free Method for Curing Yourself of the “Jibber Jabbers,” the legendary self-help guru relieved millions of the “Boogity Bites” through a ten-step process for
overcoming the “Mumbly Fumblies.” The book also included a glossary of folksy synonyms for anxiety.
Becky Seymour—Peace
The youngest winner of the Peace Prize in Nobel history, fourteen-year-old Becky Seymour was honoured last
year for her highly influential Facebook group “Enough Is Enough: STOP WAR NOW.” At publication, the group
had 232 members, or “232 and counting, you guys!”
Dr. Wendy—Chemistry
Popular Oprah guest and author of You Know It, Girl, Toronto-born Dr. Wendy received the award for her work
on the elusive chemistry between men and women. On accepting the award, she stated, “Experts say that simple, cheap activities can deepen a couple’s bond. Instead of dinner at a pricey restaurant, have a meal at home.
Buy some taco shells and lots of fixings for a Mexican fiesta. Or set up a sundae bar with ice cream, toppings, and
sprinkles and create your own sweet treats.”
Brendan Garboll—Domination
In 2009, Garboll won the first-ever Nobel Prize in the field of domination, thanks to his total domination of all
things, including math tests, basketball, and babes. In his acceptance speech, Garboll said he feels ready to continue his domination of everything well into the future, adding, “You’re next, laundry!”
Sam Steele, also known as the Lion of the North, established his “fearless leader”
reputation as head of the Yukon detachment of the North-West Mounted Police during
the Klondike Gold Rush. With his commanding presence, iron fist, and noble facial
hair, he made it the most orderly gold rush in history. Neither human nor beast, Sam
• When Sam died, his skin was used to make baseball
mitts for the poor.
• Sam once bedded two girls in one night. Those two
girls represented 66 percent of the women in Whitehorse, so hell, yeah, it’s a big deal.
• Sam once had a brief man-to-man chat with a thirteenyear-old. By the time he was done, the child had aged
fifteen years.
• Sam once had a staring contest with the sun and won.
Meteorologists described it as the only “battle eclipse”
in history.
• Sam once smoked fourteen cigarettes simultaneously while drinking a quart of whisky, throwing
a perfect game of darts, and getting fellated by his
opponent’s wife. Did we say “once”? We meant “every
day at 5 p.m.”
• Sam named his left fist The Destroyer and his right
The Apologizer, so that he could destroy a man’s face
and then say, “Please, accept my apologies” before
punching him again.
• Sam once pulled the heart out of a man’s chest with
his bare hands. Later, he shoved the heart into the
chest of a nobler man who needed a transplant. Both
men died, but all those looking on were awestruck.
And then struck. And then dead.
• The Sam Steele Doctrine consisted of three words:
Pain? You bet.
• Sam didn’t play games; he ate them. And won.
180 Picnicface’s Canada
• Sam didn’t drink coffee; he
rolled coffee grounds and
matchsticks into a ball and chewed it like tobacco. He
called it an “a.m. Fireball.”
• Sam broke the tusk off a walrus and used it to turn
his girlfriend’s horse into a unicorn.
• The only activity Sam was bad at was Not Destroying
People.
• When Sam was sad, he’d shed tears internally and
spit each one out in disgust.
• Sam was so fearsome that he built a house using all
the bricks he made people shit.
• Sam rarely had a phone book. Whenever he got one,
he’d accidentally rip it in half.
• Once, when a man described Sam as “tough as nails,”
Sam held a nail to his forehead and hit it as hard as he
could with a hammer. The nail shattered. Sam looked
at the man and said, “Tougher.”
• Sam petted dogs only when he wanted to end them.
• Sam didn’t defecate; he defestroyed.
• Sam once swallowed a midget whole, then regulated
his own stomach acid so that the midget could “live a
decent life down there.”
• If you Google Sam Steele, it will ask, “Did you mean
God Himself?”
Famous Canadians 181