1
“You are Cordially Invited…”
Attending Non-Jewish Social Gatherings and Holiday Parties
I was employed by a marketing company with a few other Jews on the staff. Every
year they would hold a generic “holiday party” at an event hall without ascribing it
specifically to the non-Jewish holidays – presumably, the Jewish employees were
welcome to view it as a “Hanukah party.” The company’s general counsel (in other
words, me) was able to establish that there would be no alcohol served, to avoid
safety issues driving back from the party. This did not solve the problems of
socializing and non-kosher refreshments. I would have been happy to find a way out
of attending, but I was not eager to offend my employer and coworkers. In addition,
bonus checks were given out at this affair, and showing up was the way to get the
check.
I consulted Rav Gershon Bess,1 who said that I could attend and collect my check, on
the condition that I not get too comfortable or stay for too long. In fact, he advised
that I remain standing the entire time, rather than sitting down and settling in.
Are we permitted to attend non-Jewish social gatherings, whether personal or business
related, as long as we stay away from alcohol?2 What about company “holiday
parties”? Can we go, and can we eat at such affairs if there is kosher food available?3
“Idolatry in Purity”
Many of the halachos related to attending and eating at non-Jewish parties and other
social events are derived from the prohibition against eating and drinking at nonJewish weddings discussed in the Gemara.
Rabbi Yishmael says, “The Jews outside of Eretz Yisrael are idolaters in purity.”
Rashi explains that “in purity” means “without intent” – they do not realize what they
are doing.
The Gemara continues, “How so? An idolater makes a [wedding] celebration for his
son and invites all the Jews in town. Even if they are eating their own [food] and
drinking their own [beverages], and their own waiter serves them, the Torah considers
them to be eating idolatrous sacrifices, as it says, “And he will call you, and you will
eat from his sacrifices” (Shmos 34:15).
Chazal raise a question: maybe the prohibition refers to actually eating from nonJewish sacrifices, and not to simply going to the wedding and eating one’s own
[kosher] food there?
Rava answers that if that were the case, the Torah would have only said, “and you will
eat from his sacrifices.” Instead, we see that the passuk specifies, “and he will call
you.” The prohibition begins with the invitation (Avodah Zarah 8a,b). Rashi explains
1
Rav Gershon Bess, a prominent posek in the United States, is the rav of Congregation Kehilas
Yaakov in Los Angeles and an officer of the Rabbinical Council of California.
2
See Chapter __, “Nothing for Me, Thanks – Drinking with Non-Jews.”
3
This chapter relates only to the question of eating kosher food at non-Jewish social events. Any foods
or beverages of questionable kashrus are forbidden in any case.
2
that if we were invited to a non-Jewish wedding, anything we eat there is considered
an idolatrous sacrifice.
Based on the continuation of the Gemara, the Meiri comments, “At any meal
celebrating the wedding, the idolater will be worshipping his god. Even if he is not
[actually] offering a sacrifice to it, he will at least thank his god.” Participating in the
celebration reinforces the idolater’s gratitude to his deity.
We learn from here that any celebration related to the wedding festivities – for
example, an engagement party, bridal shower, and the like – would be included in the
prohibition.4
Severity of the Prohibition
According to some opinions, the prohibition against eating and drinking at non-Jewish
weddings is Torah ordained (d’Oriesa), for two reasons – idolatry and intermarriage
(chasnus).
The Ritva5 writes that the prohibition is Torah ordained, because of the concern for
idolatry (Chiddushei HaRitva, Avodah Zarah 8a).The Taz6 also rules that it is Torah
ordained, although for a different reason – the concern for intermarriage (Yoreh Deah
152:1).
In Nekudos HaKesef7 (ibid. 1), the Shach disagrees with the Taz and rules that the
prohibition is of rabbinic origin (d’rabbanan). He writes that the passuk “and you will
eat from his sacrifices” is only an asmachta. It is not the actual source of the
prohibition, but rather, support from a Scriptural source derived by Chazal.
However, the very fact that according to some opinions, the prohibition is d’Oriesa
should be enough to indicate its severity.
“Joey,” a former talmid, was back home after learning in yeshivah in Jerusalem.
Some time after his return to Toronto he emailed me an interesting question. “I’ve
been invited, along with my family, to a non-Jewish family friend’s country wedding
on Saturday, August 25, beginning at 4:30 pm. The wedding is taking place outdoors
at a tree farm, which is an hour and a half drive from my house. I didn’t ask, but we
can assume the wedding will be performed by an Anglican pastor, although the family
is not religious. My family will probably be the only Jews there, with the majority
being Anglicans (mainly non-religious). The wedding “chuppah” will be followed
by a typical secular country wedding reception (dinner, live band, mixed dancing,
beverages), and will probably go until midnight. My question, obviously, is: Can I go
to this wedding [without violating Shabbos]?”
4
See Avodah Zarah 8b and Shulchan Aruch Yoreh Deah 152:1 for detailed information on how long
before and after the wedding the prohibition applies.
5
Major commentary on the Talmud by Rav Yom Tov ben Avraham of Seville (1250-1330), a
prominent Rishon.
6
Classic commentary on the entire Shulchan Aruch by Rav David HaLevi Segal (1586-1667), rav,
posek and rosh yeshivah in Poland.
7
A super-commentary on the Taz by Rav Shabse ben Meir HaKohen (1621-1662), a leading halachic
authority known by the name of his classic work Sifsei Kohen (“the Shach”), a super-commentary on
Shulchan Aruch.
3
Joey then asked my opinion of various options for getting to the wedding without
traveling or otherwise transgressing the laws of Shabbos. What he did not realize was
that there was another problem which essentially made the Shabbos question
academic: was he allowed to attend at all? I wrote back, “From what I saw in this
sugya, you really should avoid going altogether (even leaving aside the Shabbos
issues, which are not simple).” 8
Double Trouble
In a famous Shakespearean play written in the late 1590’s, a Jewish character named
Shylock is invited to a non-Jewish social dinner. Despite his extensive business
contacts with non-Jews he declines, saying, “I will buy with you, sell with you, talk
with you, walk with you, and so following, but I will not eat with you, drink with you,
nor pray with you”(“The Merchant of Venice” I, iii, 35-37).
Idolatry
The Rambam explains that the reason for the prohibition against eating at a nonJewish wedding is due to the concern for idolatry (Hilchos Avodah Zarah 9:15): “If an
idolater makes a celebration for his son or daughter, it is forbidden to benefit from his
meal. Even for the Jew to eat and drink his own [food or beverage] is forbidden,
because this would still be eating and drinking at a non-Jewish party.” This is also the
ruling of the Shulchan Aruch: it is forbidden for a Jew to eat at a non-Jewish wedding,
even if he is eating his own food, served by his own waiter (Yoreh Deah 152:1).
The Rambam goes on to explain the reason for these precautions, explicitly designed
to establish a distance from non-Jews. It is “because of idolatrous services, as it says,
‘And he will call you and you will eat from his sacrifices, and you will take his
daughters for your sons, and his daughters will stray [after their gods, and they will
cause your sons to stray after their gods]’ (Shmos 34:16).” In other words, the
Rambam tells us that socializing at non-Jewish parties is not only a kashrus issue – it
is forbidden to eat even our own kosher food at this type of affair. The primary
concern is for activities related to idol worship which may take place at the party.
The Torah Temimah9 (Shmos 34:15, note 19) writes that apparently, the reason behind
the prohibition is that the closeness engendered by eating and drinking together with
non-Jews can bring us close to idolatry. He cites Parashas Balak: “And the nation ate,
and bowed to their gods” (Bamidbar 25:2).10 Because of this danger, the Torah
forbade us to eat and drink at such events, as a way of putting increased distance
between Jews and non-Jews.
8
Additional problems include maris ayin (see Chapter __), mixed dancing, and for a man, listening to a
female vocalist at the event. There are poskim who rule that the dancing alone is reason enough to
forbid attending; this is certainly true of a female vocalist (see below, “Attending Office Holiday
Parties”).
9
Commentary on Chumash and the Megillos which quotes and explains the Gemara and Midrash on
the pessukim, by Rav Baruch HaLevi Epstein (1860-1941).
10
“And Israel dwelled in Shittim, and the nation began to behave immorally with the daughters of
Moav. And they invited the nation to the sacrifices of their gods, and the nation ate and bowed to their
gods. And Israel attached themselves to Baal Pe’or, and Hashem’s wrath flared against Israel”
(Bamidbar 25:1-3).
4
Eating and drinking together with non-Jews establishes a certain camaraderie – we are
part of the crowd, engaged in an enjoyable shared activity. We may not know where
or how to draw the line, so the Torah draws it for us: if we cannot join them for
refreshments, we cannot become part of the social circle.
Intermarriage
Some poskim give another reason for the prohibition against eating and drinking at
non-Jewish weddings – the risk of becoming involved with non-Jewish women in this
type of social setting. In his commentary on the Shulchan Aruch, the Taz writes that
the primary reason for the prohibition against eating at these affairs is to prevent us
from developing affectionate relationships with them (Yoreh Deah 152:1).
Chazal forbade consumption of non-Jewish bread and oil as safeguards against
socializing with non-Jews: “They instituted a prohibition against non-Jewish bread
and oil because of their wine; against their wine because of their daughters; and
against their daughters because of idolatry” (Shabbos 17b, Rashi).11
While intermarriage is an explicit and very serious prohibition on its own,12 the
hazards of intermarriage and idolatry are very closely linked, as we learn from the
passuk which is the source of the prohibition: “Lest you make a covenant with those
who dwell in the land, and stray after their gods, and offer sacrifices to their gods, and
he will invite you, and you will eat from his sacrifices, and you will take from his
daughters for your sons, and his daughters will stray after their gods, and cause your
sons to stray after their gods” (Shmos 34:15-16).
We should not make a covenant with a non-Jew because it will lead us straight into
trouble. At first it will seem innocent enough – we will only be having a bite together.
Once we are there and part of the group, we will be influenced by their views and
behavior. From there, the road to relationships with non-Jewish women and
ultimately, idolatry, is wide open. As Rashi writes, “Do you think there is no
punishment in eating? I consider [eating to be] as if you acknowledge his deity, which
will lead you to take his daughters.”
Apparently these were not exclusively Jewish concerns. The Catholic Church
instituted a few safeguards of its own to impose a distance between Christians and
Jews, with rather severe penalties. The Synod of Elvira 13 held in Elvira, Spain, ca.
305-306, issued eighty-one canons for members of their faith. Canon no. 16 was a
prohibition against intermarriage with Jews, and canon no. 50 forbade eating
together with Jews!14
A number of Achronim, among them Rav Avraham Azulai15 in Chesed L’Avraham,
discuss whether the prohibition of eating at a non-Jewish wedding applies to the
11
Some poskim rule that the prohibition does not apply to bread from a commercial bakery, only to
bread baked at home (Yoreh Deah 112:1-2). The prohibition against non-Jewish oil was not widely
accepted, and was later abolished (Avodah Zarah 35b, Rashi).
12
“Do not intermarry with them” (Devarim 7:3).
13
A “synod” is a council of church and lay leaders convened to determine church doctrine or policy.
The Synod of Elvira was attended by nineteen bishops and many other clergymen and laymen.
14
There have been a number of similar ordinances legislated both by the church and secular
governments over the centuries.
15
Rav Avraham Azulai (1570-1643), a distinguished rav and mekubal who lived in Morocco and Eretz
Yisrael, was the author of numerous works of Torah and Kabbalah.
5
weddings of both idolaters and non-idolaters. If the only concern was idolatry, it is
likely that the prohibition would only include idolaters. Chesed L’Avraham rules that
because of the additional concern for intermarriage, it applies to all non-Jews,
idolaters and non-idolaters alike (Responsa Chesed L’Avrahom, Yoreh Deah 26; see
also Responsa Chaim B’Yad 29).
Mishum Eivah – Maintaining Cordial Relations
A coworker, or even the boss, is getting married or marrying off a child. We would
clearly prefer not to attend, but our business associate will not be pleased if we do not
participate. In some cases, Chazal are lenient concerning rabbinical decrees “mishum
eivah,” in order to prevent animosity in our dealings with non-Jews. If we do attend
the event, can we apply this leniency to permit eating at the wedding, in order to avoid
ill-feeling?
The Jerusalem Talmud (Gittin 5:9) asks a related question about interactions with
non-Jews on their holidays: may we do business with them (Korban HaEidah), or
visit them socially (Pnei Moshe) on these days?16 Chazal rule that even for the sake of
darkei shalom (to maintain peaceful relationships), we are forbidden to do so. As we
see, darkei shalom and mishum eivah are not blanket permits.
In addition, as we said, according to the Ritva the prohibition against eating at a nonJewish wedding is Torah ordained. It is akin to partaking of idolatrous sacrifices, and
the fact that this prohibition is d’Oriesa overrides any possible repercussions of eivah.
He writes that even in our times [when most non-Jews are not likely to be pagans], the
prohibition still stands.
The Taz quotes the ruling of the Shulchan Aruch: “It is forbidden to eat there [at a
non-Jewish wedding].” He writes that the Drishah17 was unsure if there is room for
leniency on this issue because of the concern for eivah. The Taz is surprised that so
distinguished a talmid chacham as the Drishah could have any doubts – the Torah
specifically commands that there be eivah between Jews and non-Jews, as a deterrent
to intermarriage. How, then, can we permit it mishum eivah?
He points out that there is no leniency mishum eivah even for a rabbinically ordained
prohibition like bishul akum,18 instituted to keep us at a distance because of the
concern for intermarriage. The same would certainly be true of a Torah ordained
prohibition.
Even so, the Chazon Ish,19 based on the opinion of the Ran,20 clearly rules that we are
permitted to be lenient in order to prevent animosity from non-Jews. He explains that
Rabbi Yishmael’s statement, “The Jews outside of Eretz Yisrael are idolaters in
16
See Chapter __, “__________”.
Commentary on the Tur by Rabbi Yehoshua HaKohen Falk (1555-1614), one of the great Polish
Achronim, author of Sefer Me’iras Einayim, a major commentary on Shulchan Aruch Choshen Mishpat
known as “the Sema.”
18
Eating food cooked by a non-Jew.
19
Rav Avraham Yeshayahu Karelitz of Bnei Brak (1878-1953), known by the title of his halachic
works as the Chazon Ish, was an outstanding halachic authority and Torah leader whose influence is
still felt decades after his passing.
20
Rabbenu Nissim ben Reuven of Gerona (1320-1380), a Spanish Rishon, was the great halachic
authority of his times and the author of a commentary on the Rif and part of the Talmud.
17
6
purity,” and the discussion which follows in the Gemara, relate to a situation where a
Jew eats at a non-Jewish wedding, even when he could have refrained without causing
ill feeling. This behavior is considered “serving idols in purity.” However, if there is
no other way to prevent animosity, it would be permitted to eat at the wedding
(Chazon Ish, Hilchos Avodas Kochavim 62:12).
The Scope of the Prohibition
What is the scope of this prohibition? Does it only include wedding festivities per se,
or other gatherings and events as well?
From the Gemara, Rambam, and Shulchan Aruch, it appears that the main issue is
non-Jewish wedding celebrations.
The Levush writes that Chazal forbade eating and drinking at a non-Jew’s celebration,
“such as the wedding of his son or daughter,” implying that the prohibition is broader
than just weddings. However, continues the Levush, eating and drinking kosher food
at other types of meals for the purpose of darkei shalom is permitted.
Apparently, according to the Levush, if there is a legitimate reason for us to attend
events other than weddings and related gatherings, and certainly in order to maintain
good relations with non-Jews, it would be permitted to eat and drink there.
A stricter opinion in the Tanna Dve Eliyahu21 extends the prohibition to eating with
non-Jews under any circumstances: One should always be careful not to eat with a
non-Jew at the same table, for one who eats at the table with a non-Jew is severely
punished, and is eating from idolatrous sacrifices. In proof, the Tanna Dve Eliyahu
cites the case of Chizkiyahu, the king of Judea, who was punished harshly for eating
at the table together with a non-Jew (Tanna Dve Eliyahu, Eliyahu Rabbah, Chapter 8,
quoted in Bereishis Rabbasi, Parashas Miketz, p. 206). In 1975, a questioner in the United States asked Rav Menashe Klein, author of
Responsa Mishneh Halachos, if it is permitted to eat and drink kosher food at a nonJewish party. In his response, Rav Klein cites the strict view of the Tanna Dve
Eliyahu and explains, “This means that it is forbidden to eat with a non-Jew at one
table even in one’s own home, and not only at a non-Jew’s home.”
The Mishneh Halachos also cites the Levush, who rules that it is forbidden to eat and
drink at a non-Jewish wedding as an invited guest, but does permit eating and
drinking at a gathering which promotes darkei shalom. He questions the Levush’s
lenient ruling which permits eating kosher food at meals other than weddings; as we
see, the Tanna Dve Eliyahu writes that it is forbidden in general to eat with non-Jews,
without differentiating between wedding celebrations and other meals.
Practically speaking, the Mishneh Halachos divides non-Jewish gatherings into three
categories. One is non-Jewish weddings, where we should follow the ruling of the
Taz: a Jew is forbidden to eat there, even at the expense of darkei shalom. If possible,
we should not attend at all.
The second is eating with non-Jews at gatherings unrelated to wedding festivities,
which would be permitted for the sake of fostering good relationships.
21
A midrash which is attributed to Eliyahu HaNavi.
7
The third is socializing for no purpose other than enjoyment, where there is no
concrete gain in terms of darkei shalom. This is forbidden. As we learn from the
Tanna Dve Eliyahu, a Jew may not eat at the same table as a non-Jew even in the
Jew’s own home, and certainly not in a public dining room. While the Levush permits
eating with non-Jews for darkei shalom, the Mishneh Halachos writes that the Tanna
Dve Eliyahu is not speaking about gatherings for the purpose of darkei shalom – it
refers to this third category, aimless socializing. “To go and eat at a non-Jewish party
and celebrate with them of one’s own free will is certainly forbidden – ‘Do not
rejoice, Israel, do not be happy like the nations’ (Hoshea 9:1).”
He concludes with a very common issue which can be a major pitfall: “It is very
unfortunate that factories, offices and other workplaces hold holiday parties, with
turkey and alcohol, attended by Jews and non-Jews; there can be no greater cause of
intermarriage.” In particular, he mentions parties held before the Christian winter
holidays. “No Jew should ever attend these parties at all, and ‘they have felled many
victims’ in this country [the United States]” (Mishneh Halachos, vol. VII, 118).
It can often be difficult to distinguish between an event which falls into the second
category (darkei shalom), where we would be permitted to eat, and one which is in
the third category (strictly social), where we are forbidden to eat. In the workplace, an
event may have elements of both – darkei shalom, and casual socializing. In some
cases non-attendance may not be that significant, but in others, it may affect our
relationships with employers and coworkers, with potential repercussions on our job
and prospects for promotion.
I recently came across the following statement by an Orthodox Jew employed by a
large company in New York: “For some people, missing a holiday [party] has no
career impact. For others, it might. I once had a senior executive (my boss’ boss)
personally ask me whether my wife and I were attending the holiday party, and when I
said ‘No,’ he told me, ‘Wrong answer.’”
Norms, expectations, and the nature of events can vary widely in different industries,
companies, and even in different branches or departments of the same firm.
When I worked at a major international law firm in New York, company events,
including the “holiday party,” were large, formal productions, held in event halls,
rather than on company premises. Attendance bordered on mandatory, and the
parties were not very social. As such, it is likely that they were in the second category,
darkei shalom. I went in order to maintain positive relationships with my coworkers,
and also to prevent stereotyping of Orthodox Jews as anti-social recluses. In contrast,
holiday parties at the much smaller Los Angeles branch of the same firm were held at
the partners’ homes, and they were considerably more personal and informal. It is
possible that they were closer to the third category, casual socializing, due to the
setting and the more relaxed atmosphere.
The ruling of the Chochmas Adam22 can help us determine when we may or may not
eat at a given social event with non-Jews. He writes that if the party is a seudas
simchah, usually defined as an actual party, we are forbidden to eat there. If the
22
Summary of the halachos in Yoreh Deah by Rav Avraham Danzig (1748-1820), author of Chayei
Adam on Orach Chaim and Zichru Toras Moshe on hilchos Shabbos. Rav Danzig, a businessman for
many years, eventually became a dayan in Vilna.
8
gathering is not a party per se, eating would be permitted (Chochmas Adam, Shaar
Issur V’Heter, Klal 87:12). Based on this, if the gathering is strictly social and not
business, we would not be permitted to eat there. However, unless there is a problem
of maris ayin, we can eat kosher food at business meetings, lunches and dinners, or at
a restaurant with a client in order to attract or keep his business, because these are not
“parties.”
Separate Seating
Let us say that we need to attend a non-Jewish wedding (category number one) or a
social event with no benefit in terms of darkei shalom (category number three). Eating
and drinking there is not permitted. However, what if we are seated at a table only
with other Jews – would we be allowed to eat?
The Beis Yosef23 cites the Rambam, who implies that it would be permitted for Jews
to eat their own kosher food at a non-Jewish wedding if they are seated separately
from the non-Jews, effectively at their own separate gathering. The Beis Yosef
disagrees. He writes that even under these circumstances, the Jew is still present at a
non-Jewish party, even if he is not actually sitting together with the non-Jewish
participants. “Therefore,” concludes the Beis Yosef, “we cannot be lenient [about
eating there]” (Yoreh Deah 152).
The New York law firm where I was employed held a very non-Jewish holiday party,
but made a special effort to be considerate of the Orthodox Jews on the staff. They
kindly arranged for a separate kosher table at the party, where we were served
labeled, wrapped kosher meals. Assuming that this was a social event with no
practical benefits in terms of darkei shalom (category number three), was our
separate table a mitigating factor enabling us to eat our kosher meals? According to
the Rambam, apparently it was permitted; according to the Beis Yosef, probably not.
Attending Office Holiday Parties
At times it may be forbidden for us to attend an event or gathering altogether, even
without eating there.
For one, various circumstances, among them an inappropriate venue like the bar of a
Las Vegas casino, may give rise to concerns of maris ayin and chashad, a prohibition
on its own.24
In addition, there will often be activities on the program which are prohibited by
halachah, for example, mixed dancing. We obviously cannot participate, and
according to some halachic opinions, we cannot even be present in the room, even if
we personally are not dancing.25 It is also forbidden for a Jewish man to be in the
23
An exhaustive commentary on the Tur written by Rav Yosef Karo (1488-1575); the precursor of his
definitive Shulchan Aruch.
24
See Chapter ___, ______.
25
Halichos Bas Yisrael (Chapter 7, footnote 35) cites the pesak of Rav Ben Tzion Abba Shaul
regarding women attending Jewish weddings with mixed dancing. They can be lenient and remain in
the room while the dancing is going on, unless it is likely that they will be pressured to join in. Even so,
it is still preferable even for women to stay only for the chuppah or sheva brachos, where there is no
dancing.
9
room or within hearing range of a female vocalist, because of the prohibition of kol
ishah.26
Third, if the party explicitly celebrates a non-Jewish holiday, we are forbidden to
attend.
Rav Doniel Neustadt27 elaborates on the question of whether or not a Jewish
employee is permitted to attend a company party held for a non-Jewish holiday. He
writes that “it depends on the type of party the company is having. Many times, a
company’s holiday party has nothing to do with the celebration of the holiday.” It
may instead be an “employee appreciation party,” which happens to be held during
the non-Jewish holiday season; in that case, “there is no halachic objection to
attending. But if the intention of the party is to celebrate the actual non-Jewish
holiday, it would be forbidden for a Jew to attend.”
However, Rav Neustadt points out that “even if the party is not intended to celebrate a
non-Jewish holiday, non-Jewish office parties are hardly the place for an observant
Jew to be.28 The mode of dress, the type of language and the loose behavior at such
affairs is completely alien and contrary to everything that Yiddishkeit stands for.” He
concludes that we should only attend if there is no other choice and leave as quickly
as possible, because “lingering in such an environment can lead to serious
transgression of many Torah laws” (Rav Doniel Neustadt, “Attending Holiday
Parties”).
My wife was not at all the typical employee at the small financial evaluations firm
where she worked in Los Angeles. The other eight or nine employees were all nonJewish. Most of them had no acquaintance with Jews at all, and certainly not with any
who were Orthodox. Winter arrived, and she was “invited” to the company holiday
party. On the program were non-kosher food and drinks, including alcoholic
beverages, and an exchange of gifts, with each employee bringing a gift to a specified
coworker. All this would take place under the decorated tree in the lobby of the
offices, during work hours. On the one hand, the party would be held on company
premises and on company time, and in essence, was mandatory. In such a small firm,
her absence would be immediately, glaringly apparent. On the other, the halachic
problems were so obvious and so numerous that it seemed impossible for her to
attend.
We consulted with a rav, who told us that she could not attend. This was not a generic
“holiday party”– it was a party for a very specific non-Jewish holiday, with all the
trimmings. The scheduled activities, including the exchange of gifts and festivities
under the tree, were forbidden as chukas hagoyim.29 My wife’s solution was to make a
doctor’s appointment, an acceptable excuse for her to absent herself from the
26
A Jewish man is not permitted to listen to a woman sing. See Hegyonei HaParashah, Shmos,
Kuntres on Kol Ishah, for a detailed treatment of this prohibition.
27
Rav Neustadt, a rav and educator in the United States, is the chairman of the Vaad HaRabbanim of
Detroit, Michigan, and the author of several works on halachic topics in English.
28
Thanksgiving, a national holiday in the United States, is usually a vacation day which is not
celebrated in the workplace. The propriety of celebrating this day is beyond the scope of this chapter.
29
Literally, “the traditions of the non-Jewish nations.” The Torah forbids us to adopt non-Jewish
activities, dress, customs, and behavior (Vayikra 18:3). A discussion of the specifics of this prohibition
based on the rulings of the Rishonim and Achronim is beyond the scope of this chapter.
10
premises during the party. She left a gift on her assigned coworker’s desk – nowhere
near the tree.30
Expect the Unexpected
When it comes to holiday parties and other workplace events, we should be prepared
for any eventuality.
As a friend discovered very early in his career, office parties can be a less than
enjoyable experience for an Orthodox Jew. Harry recalls, “I had just started working
at my first job in a big Manhattan law firm following a year learning in Israel after
law school. I was at the firm’s holiday party (where they were kind enough to order
kosher food for me). During the party, one of the partners, who happened to be
Jewish, walked over to me and asked me to hold his plate of food so that he could go
to the men’s room. I took a look at the plate and saw that it was filled with shrimp. I
explained that I couldn’t hold his plate because it had shrimp on it. He loudly
exclaimed, “Harry, I’m not asking you to eat it. I’m only asking you to hold it!” I was
forced to explain the concept of maris ayin to him. He rolled his eyes and found
someone else to hold his plate.”
30
See Chapter ___ for a detailed discussion of when we may and may not give holiday gifts to nonJews.