TECHIES
__________________________
A one-act comedy by
Don Goodrum
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Techies © 2012 Don Goodrum
All rights reserved. ISBN 978-1-62088-446-1.
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CAST OF CHARACTERS
TONY SULLIVAN, male, 18, the definition of a really good
kid. He is smart and responsible and really wants things to go
well and for everybody to get everything they want, even if
they don't know what that is.
CLIFF PATRESKY, male, 16, a stereotypical tech geek. Cliff
knows that he and his kind will one day rule the world.
Brilliant, funny and a truly faithful and dedicated friend, he is
the glue that makes Tony's theatre world work.
AMY CROSS, female, 18, Tony's girlfriend. If Cliff holds
Tony's theatre world together, then Amy's got the rest of it. A
perfect fit for Tony, she is pretty and loyal and everything
Camille is not.
CAMILLE CURRY, female, 19, Tony's ex-girlfriend. Beautiful,
vain and only moderately talented, Camille sails through life
on her not inconsiderable good looks, expecting to get
everything she wants, just because she's pretty. Loyal only to
herself, she is the epitome of "beauty that is only skin deep."
SPOOK, male, 17, completely irresponsible, but totally likable,
Spook is the bohemian of the drama program, floating from
one moment to the next, living by his nerve endings. He
wants to do well and he wants the show to do well, but is it
really such a big deal if it's not perfect?
CHARLIE PORTER, male, 17, extremely nervous and highstrung, Charlie is probably wrestling with some truths about
himself that he doesn't want to face. He is talented, but
insecure and that insecurity is crippling.
MRS. EUBANKS, female, 40s, Spook's mother. A large and
domineering woman, she loves her son, but is determined to
get him to mind her and not grow up to be a "wild animal."
MR. CRENSHAW, male, 50s, the Harvard recruiter.
Stereotypical Ivy League personality with patches on the
sleeves of his jacket, Crenshaw truly cares about the students
he interviews and really likes Tony and wants him to succeed.
SPOOK'S GIRLFRIEND, female, 15 (no lines), a generic
teenage girl who thinks Spook is awesome.
Suggested dedication for the program:
This show is respectfully dedicated to the Techies. Without
you, we'd all be naked, in the middle of nowhere, talking in
the dark.
6
Don Goodrum
(The light and sound booth of the Douglas MacArthur High
School auditorium, just before opening curtain. At the edge of
the stage and centered, should be a 3X4 partial wall,
representing the wall between the light booth and the main
theatre. Directly behind it, completely hidden by this "false
wall" is a long table and three rolling desk chairs. On the table
is a light board and a sound board with three headsets and a
computer monitor and keyboard. UC is an 8 ft wall flat with a
door to the hallway built in [see diagram]. Behind the false wall
the acting area is dressed to look like a typical high school
auditorium light booth. A master tech script and a number of
handwritten notes should be tacked about the room and bottles
and food wrappers are scattered about [a large sign that says NO
FOOD OR DRINK should be prominent].
While it is
appropriate to make the acting area feel as small and cramped as
an actual light booth might feel, be sure to leave the actors
enough room to perform. As for the rest, it is typical light booth
chic. Equipment racks with amplifiers, CD players and other
electronics can be stacked as needed [red and green lights
blinking like Christmas morning]. You can go as minimalistic
or as realistic as you like. As the play opens, a TEENAGE BOY
AND GIRL [see notes] are tucked into the back right corner of
the light booth, making out, oblivious to everything [we'll meet
them later]. Technical Director TONY SULLIVAN enters
through the UC door. Just shy of his eighteenth birthday, Tony
is an overachieving senior and has been King of the Booth for the
past three years. Operating under the influence of far too many
Red Bulls, Tony is wearing jeans and a t-shirt that says Lord of
the Lights. Carrying an energy drink, he looks around the booth
[not seeing the lovebirds], puts on a headset and opens the mic.)
TONY: Hey, it's Tony. Anybody down there? (Pause.) Hey,
Janie. Yeah, I just want to run the Zones real quick, OK?
(Slightly longer pause.) No, I haven't seen Spook. Did you check
the dressing rooms? (Beat.) Alright, here we go—
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7
(He pushes a handful of sliders on the control board up to full as
though turning on a portion of the stage lights. Tony looks over
the wall and down into the "theater" for visual confirmation the
lights are working.)
Zone One up full.
(Pulls sliders down and moves down to next group and pushes
them up. He looks for confirmation again.)
Check. Zone Two up full.
(Pulls sliders down and he slides up the next group. He looks for
confirmation, but nothing has happened.)
Check. Zone Three up—hey, wait a second, what happened to
Zone Three? Half the lights are out.
(He tries pushing the sliders up and down again and even bangs
on the board, but no avail. He listens to something on the
headset.)
I thought Mr. Rideout was going to get that fixed?
(His cell phone rings in his pocket. He pauses.)
Well, would you go over and jiggle it then, Janie? Please?
(Finally hears phone:) Oh, crap.
(He pulls his phone out of his pocket and flips it open. He tries
putting it up to the headset, but on realizing he still has it on,
removes the headset and then answers.)
Hello, Anthony Sullivan speaking. (Pause.) Oh, hi Mom.
(Pause.) No, I decided to try to be a little more formal in case
Harvard decides to call instead of email. (Pause.) I know, but
that admissions guy, Crenshaw, really liked me and I was
thinking he might— (Pause as he looks around trying to identify a
noise:) Mom, is there somebody with you? I keep hearing—
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Don Goodrum
(He realizes that what he's hearing is Janie yelling at him from
the headset. Quickly, he yanks the headset up and puts one
earphone to his other ear.)
Hey Janie, sorry! (Pause.) What? Did you jiggle it? (Pause.)
Jiggle it again! (Pause.) Hang on, I'll lower the light bar.
(He puts the headset down, pushes a button for the light bar on
the board and re-focuses on the phone.)
Sorry Mom, but I gotta go! Curtain's in twenty and we're
having issues. (Pause.) Yeah, I'll call if I hear anything.
(Pause.) Yeah, love you too. Bye.
(He hangs up his phone and begins reading notes from his
clipboard. Through UC door, enter AMY CROSS, also eighteen
and a senior, she is an energetic and friendly girl who has been
Tony's girlfriend and Asst. Technical Director for the past two
years. Wearing jeans and a similar "tech-themed" t-shirt, she
brings dinner in two greasy bags.)
AMY: (Kissing him quickly before opening bags:) Hey! Have you
seen Spook? Everybody is looking for him!
(She begins removing sandwiches from the bags.)
TONY: Not my day to watch him—I've got bigger problems.
Zone Three's on the fritz.
AMY: Did you jiggle it?
TONY: I jiggled it!
AMY: (Handing him his sandwich:) Well, I don't know then.
Hey, you wanted roast beef and swiss, right? Extra mayo and
hold the tomato?
TONY: (Taking a bite:) Just like always. What'd you get?
AMY: Club sandwich on toasted whole wheat with extra
pickles...
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9
TONY: Just like always. We're so predictable.
AMY: Trust me, surprise is overrated. Except on my birthday.
Then you can surprise me all you want. Hey, did you hear
from Harvard?
TONY: Not yet.
AMY: Well, you will. And you'll get in. I know it.
TONY: I don't know. My interview went great and my essay
was really solid, but I'm afraid I'm too light on
extracurriculars. While all the other kids were off studying
abroad, or being class president or newspaper editor or
Spanish Club treasurer, I spent my high school years up here,
living in a nest of wire and duct tape, looking for Spook and
jiggling things—
AMY: Don't be silly. Theatre is important—
TONY: To you and me, maybe. I don't know about Harvard.
(Enter CLIFF PATRESKY through UC door. Cliff is sixteen
and a junior and is pretty much the stereotypical nerd. Curlyheaded and somewhat overweight with glasses, he wears his own
tech shirt over a pair of beige cargo pants, the pockets stuffed
with tools and wire and tape.)
CLIFF: Hey, did you guys know Zone Three was out?
TONY AND AMY: Jiggle it!
CLIFF: I guess you heard. Don't worry about it. I'll head
down and look at it in a sec. (Melodramatically, as if from a
movie trailer:) One man...armed with only a hammer and a
couple of nails...stands between humanity and Armageddon.
This summer, the Geek shall inherit the Earth!
AMY: Yes, but can you fix a short in Zone Three with (Checks
her watch:) just less than twenty minutes to spare?
CLIFF: (Still in announcer mode:) Of course I can, fair lady. (In
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Don Goodrum
his normal voice again:) I can fix anything.
TONY: Except your fashion sense. That's broken forever.
CLIFF: Doesn't matter! In the future everything is gonna be
made out of duct tape and I'll fit right in!
AMY: "Oh brave new world, that has such people in it..."
CLIFF: Laugh all you want, girlie! I'm gonna be somebody!
I'm gonna be a contender!
TONY: (Wearily:) Cliff!
CLIFF: Yes, boss?
TONY: Zone Three? Now? Please?
AMY: And don't forget your duct tape!
CLIFF: Are you kidding? Give me duct tape and a place to
stand and I shall rule the world! (He laughs melodramatically
and is almost out the UC door when he remembers:) Oh, I almost
forgot! You guys seen Spook?
TONY: (Fed up, he leans over the table and shouts over the wall and
into the theater:) Attention everyone within the sound of my
voice! I am only gonna say this once! I. Have. Not. Seen.
Spook!
(As he says Spook's name the guy who's been making out with
the girl in the corner comes up for air and crosses to stand next
to Tony.)
I don't know where he is! I don't know where he went! I don't
even know why you guys want him so bad!
AMY: (Seeing the guy behind Tony:) Tony?
TONY: (Ignoring her:) You guys know what Spook's like! He
just appears whenever he wants, outta thin air! He could be—
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11
(He spins around to make his point and finally sees the kid
standing next to him. Of course, this is SPOOK. Another
senior, Spook has shaggy hair and poor posture and is dressed
like the others.)
(Stops short and takes a deep breath:) Hi, Spook.
SPOOK: Hey, dude. Wassup?
TONY: How long have you been up here?
SPOOK: I dunno. What day is it?
(Spook's "friend" takes a tentative step forward. Young and
pretty she is fourteen or fifteen years old.)
AMY: (Disgusted:) You want to introduce us to your friend,
Spook?
TONY: (Smugly:) Yeah, what's her name, Spook?
SPOOK: (In a cartoon Mexican accent:) Name? We don't need
no stinkin' name, man! (Back to normal accent:) We have
communed on the atomic level! We are in touch with one
another's souls!
TONY: (Leaning in conspiratorially:) Does that really work for
you?
SPOOK: (Cutting his eyes toward the girl:) Well...it did today.
AMY: (Taking Spook by the shoulders and turning him to face her:)
Spook! Everybody's looking for you and the curtain goes up
in less than twenty minutes! The house is already open and
you haven't even done your pre-show! You see where we're
going, here?
SPOOK: Sure Ames, no problem! (Reaches his hand out to his
"friend":) Come on, uh... (Still doesn't know her name:) Oh, just
come on!
(They exit UC as Tony's cell phone rings.)
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Don Goodrum
TONY: (Answers phone, sharing a hopeful look with Amy:) Hello,
Tony Sullivan speaking. (Pause.) Hi, Mom. (He and Amy relax
as they realize it's not Harvard:) Mom, it hasn't even been ten
minutes yet. Trust me, when I hear, you'll be the first to know.
(Amy points to herself meaningfully.)
One of the first, anyway. What?
(As Tony gets an earful from Mom, Cliff returns UC.)
CLIFF: (To Amy:) Harvard?
AMY: His mother.
CLIFF: Ooh... (Pats Tony on shoulder sympathetically:) Hey, who
was the girl with Spook?
AMY: He doesn't care, why should you? Did you get Zone
Three fixed?
CLIFF: Was there ever any doubt? A little duct tape, a little
brilliant technical insight...
AMY: You jiggled it.
CLIFF: I jiggled it.
(Amy adjusts the sliders on the board to test Zone Three as Cliff
wrestles with his thoughts.)
Uh, Ames? Herr Director wants to see you.
AMY: Mrs. Tucker? What does she want to see me for?
CLIFF: Hey, I don't know. I'm just the messenger. She put out
the word and I went running. You know she's not coming up
those stairs!
AMY: (Picking up a clipboard and a walkie talkie:) Yeah, not with
that hip. How did she throw it out this time?
CLIFF: Clogging.
AMY: What's that?
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13
CLIFF: I don't know. I keep imagining something having to
do with her arteries and a vat of cottage cheese, but—
AMY: Never mind. That's nasty. I'll be back in a minute, OK?
(She exits UC.)
CLIFF: (Turning back to Tony:) Dude, you've gotta get off the
phone. Now.
(He takes the phone out of Tony's hand.)
TONY: What are you—?
CLIFF: (Into phone:) Hey, Mama S! How you doin', beautiful?
Listen, I know you and your boy are going nuts about this
Harvard thing, but I've got to have his undivided attention for
a bit, OK? The...um... (Thinking:) ...the school's on fire! Yeah,
bye now!
(Closes phone, hands it back to Tony.)
TONY: Uh...thanks?
CLIFF: No time, man! I figure I've got about five minutes
before Amy comes back up here and kills me, so we've gotta
be quick!
TONY: What's the matter? Why would Amy—
CLIFF: Bonnie's not going to make the show. She's out.
TONY: What do you mean, "she's out"?
lead—!
She's the freaking
CLIFF: Apparently she had some sort of nuclear PMS
meltdown or something this afternoon and stabbed the
housekeeper with a pickle fork! You know, those little bitty
ones that look like they come from a set of toy dishes? I
always wondered...
TONY: Cliff!
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Don Goodrum
CLIFF: Sorry! Anyway, that's not the awful part! Guess who
Tucker's got coming in to take her place?
TONY: Who? Nobody else knows the (A horrified pause as the
truth crashes in:) —oh my god.
CLIFF: (Ringing an imaginary bell:) Ding! Ding! Ding! Ladies
and gentlemen, we have a winner!
TONY: (Horrified:) Camille?!
CLIFF: That's right! Your old girl-friend, Camille Curry!
Actress, singer, diva and all-around psycho nut job!
TONY: Camille?!
CLIFF: She did the show last year at the Little Theatre. She
knows the lines!
TONY: Camille?!
CLIFF: Would you stop? You keep saying her name like that
and she'll appear!
TONY: Oh knock it off!
Candyman...or Satan.
You make her sound like
CLIFF: And do you have any proof she's not?
forgotten the last time...?
Have you
TONY: How could I? My shoulder still hurts every time it
rains. If Amy hadn't—oh my God, Amy!
CLIFF: And you're two for two, little buddy! Want to go for
the Lightning Round where the prizes are doubled and the fun
really begins?
(Spook enters UC.)
SPOOK: Hey man, are you guys on headset? Janie's been
calling you for ten minutes!
CLIFF: (Answers for Tony who is barely listening:) Sorry, Spook.
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15
What's up?
SPOOK: Well, we're holding the curtain, apparently.
CLIFF: Yeah, Bonnie's sick. We heard.
SPOOK: Oh, it's more than that, dude. Not only is Bonnie
AWOL, but Charlie's having a panic attack 'cause he was
counting on Bonnie feeding him his lines if he forgot them. Ol'
lady Tucker took too many Valium for her hip and is
wandering around the Green Room in a choir robe and a
football helmet, singing "Memory" from Cats at the top of her
lungs, and you remember that Camille chick? From last year?
She just swooped in here like the Queen of Freakin' Sheba with
her own costume rack, three make-up boxes and a personal
assistant!
CLIFF: I have never been so happy to be stuck up here in my
life!
TONY: (Finally listening:) Spook? Where's Amy?
SPOOK: Amy? (A beat.) Oh yeah! She was looking for a
knife!
TONY AND CLIFF: A knife!
SPOOK: Yeah, she needed to cut up that ham for the dinner
scene.
TONY: Oh, right...the ham.
SPOOK: You okay, Tone? You look like you need to lie down,
man.
TONY: (Lost in his own thoughts again:) No, I'll be fine. Thanks,
Spook.
SPOOK: (Heading toward door:) Hey, no problemo, mi amigo.
I'd rather be up here talking about it than be down there living
it. (He reaches the door and turns back:) Oh, by the way, I've been
dodging my mom's calls all night, so if she should come up
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Don Goodrum
here, you guys haven't seen me, comprende?
(Tony and Cliff adlib agreement, but they're not listening.)
Adios!
(He exits and MR. CRENSHAW, the Harvard recruiter, enters
UC. A kind man in his fifties, he wears a sports coat and tie. He
knocks tentatively on the door.)
CRENSHAW: (Not wanting to interrupt:) Tony?
Sullivan?
Tony
TONY: (Crosses to him in surprise, shakes his hand:) Mr.
Crenshaw? What are you doing here? I thought Harvard was
going to send me a letter!
CRENSHAW: They are. Uh, they will. I was just in the
neighborhood and...is there some place we can talk?
TONY: (Looks at Cliff who is no help:) Well (Keeps looking around
as if an answer will appear:) —not really. I appreciate you being
here, Mr. Crenshaw, coming all this way in person, but the
truth of it is, we're supposed to open this show in five minutes
and the curtain's being held, the lead actress is sick, our
teacher is riding the magic bus... I'm afraid if I take one step
out of this booth, the world will come to an end.
CRENSHAW: I understand. I should have called first—
CLIFF: Hey, why don't you stay for the show?
TONY: That's a great idea!
CRENSHAW: Well, I don't know—
TONY: Please, Mr. Crenshaw! I'm sorry for all this chaos, but
if you can just hang out for an hour, I can probably be able to
talk by intermission! OK?
CRENSHAW: Well...I suppose...
TONY: (Walking him to door:) Great!
Just head right back
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17
down those stairs, and I'll have somebody meet you in a
minute. Thanks!
(Crenshaw exits UC and Tony crosses back DC to the light
board, pulling out his phone. He dials and waits for someone to
pick up.)
Ames? (Pause as she starts speaking:) What? Yeah, I know
about that, but I can't talk right now! Crenshaw is here!
(Pause.) Yes Crenshaw, the guy from Harvard. (Pause.) I don't
know! He just said he wants to talk to me! Look, he's at the
bottom of the stairs to the booth. Would you grab him and
take him to a seat? I promised I'd talk to him at intermission.
(CHARLIE PORTER enters UC. Charlie is seventeen, dramatic
and slightly effeminate. He is the male lead of the show.
Wearing a tattered robe and a paper make-up bib, Charlie hates
change and is an extremely tense and jumpy individual, qualities
which are well on display here.)
CHARLIE: (Almost hysterical, crosses to Tony and grabs him by
the shoulders:) Anthony, you have to help me! What am I going
to do?
TONY: (Disengaging from him and backing up a step:) I'm on the
phone, Charlie! (Pause.) Thanks, Ames. And be nice to him,
will you? The man's only got my whole future in his back
pocket! Yeah, love you, too! (He hangs up and looks at Charlie:)
Now, what are you going to do about what, Charlie?
CHARLIE: About what?
harridan!
About that, that fishwife!
That
CLIFF: What's a harridan? Is that some kind of dog?
CHARLIE: Bonnie, my dear sweet Bonnie who would never
hurt a fly—
CLIFF: (Aside:)
housekeeper...
Unless
it's
sitting
on
a
Guatemalan
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Don Goodrum
CHARLIE: —Has abandoned me, cast me aside like an old
doll—!
TONY: Charlie, I really don't understand the problem—
CHARLIE: My lines, Anthony! You know how I am in a play,
flying along one moment, focused with the razor-sharp
intensity of a laser and then poof! One errant downdraft and
I'm cast out of the nest, falling into a spiral of—
CLIFF: Wait a minute, are you a parakeet or a guided missile?
CHARLIE: Bonnie used to help me, Anthony! She knew that
my mind could betray me like snow on a hot sidewalk—
CLIFF: (Incredulous:) What!?
CHARLIE: And so, with that phenomenal memory of hers,
she would memorize my lines as well as her own and feed
mine to me under her breath whenever tragedy would strike!
Not that I would need it often, of course—
CLIFF: Of course.
CHARLIE: —But the idea of her, the security of her, waiting
there, ready to lift me up and help me fly—
CLIFF: So, what you're saying is, she's the wind beneath your
wings. I love Bette Midler.
TONY: Charlie, Bonnie's not here. I can't do anything about
that.
CHARLIE: But Camille Curry, Anthony! The Diva of Death!
The Eater of Actors, who devours her fellow performers as if
they were served on crackers with cheese—
CLIFF: Now that's an image I can get behind.
(Tony gives him a look.)
What? I skipped lunch!
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19
CHARLIE: Do you remember what she did to Will Hooper
two years ago, in As You Like It? He went blank in the middle
of a beautiful little soliloquy, but did Camille feed him a line?
Did she help him find his way back on track? No. She just
smiled. And waited for him. For. Ten. Minutes. She held
everyone else off the stage by the sheer force of her
Machiavellian will and just waited, (Softer:) watching as his
psyche slowly crumbled, as his confidence broke down and
his spark just...went...out. (He sniffs loudly, on the verge of tears:)
Heartbroken and shattered, William never returned to the
stage. I heard he was working at Chuck E. Cheese. (Huge sob:)
As the squirrel...
CLIFF: Oh for cryin' out loud!
CHARLIE: Anthony, don't let Camille eat my soul! Please!
You have to save me!
CLIFF: My god, wouldn't it be easier just to learn your lines?
(Tony leans down over the light board in defeat, suddenly very
tired.)
TONY: All I want to do is get out of here and go to Harvard.
Is that too much to ask?
(MRS. EUBANKS enters UC. She is Spook's mother. In her
mid-forties, she should be in a simple house dress and coat with
possibly an apron. With gruff voice and demeanor, she is also
chewing tobacco which she spits in a large plastic cup. She is
angry at Spook, but is willing to take it out on anyone.)
MRS. EUBANKS: (Spits loudly into cup:) Excuse me, any of
you clowns seen my Reginald?
TONY: (Still leaning over board:) I'm gonna spend the rest of
my life waiting tables. In suspenders. I'm gonna spend the
rest of my life waiting tables in suspenders covered in flair!
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CLIFF: Sorry ma'am, we don't have a Reginald. Nobody here
but us chickens.
MRS. EUBANKS: That's right.
something else. Ghost? Casper?
You geniuses call him
TONY: (Straightening up:) Oh, you mean Spook! Yes ma'am,
he's here.
MRS. EUBANKS: (Spits:) Well, not for long! I told him he
couldn't do nothing today until he cut the yard and took out
the trash and he didn't do either! So now, he's either gonna
come home and take out the trash...or eat it. I don't care
which.
CLIFF: But you can't!
MRS. EUBANKS: (Angrier:) What did you say?
TONY: (Diplomatically:) What Cliff means, ma'am is that Sp—
ah, your son is a very important part of our crew. He oversees
the entire stage left set crew and runs almost all the changes.
If he weren't here, we might not be able to put on the show.
(Mrs. Eubanks moves further into the booth, pushing Tony, Cliff
and the now forgotten Charlie into a corner together.)
MRS. EUBANKS: (Spits:) You boys ever had kids?
CLIFF: (Cocky. He just can't help it:) Well, not that I know of...
MRS. EUBANKS: What!?
CLIFF: (Terrified:) I mean, no ma'am, no kids. None at all.
MRS. EUBANKS: Well, when you do, you'll learn that
children, teenagers especially, are like wild animals and if you
don't keep 'em on a leash and if they don't learn to respect the
whip and the chair, then they'll just go off plum loco! You get
me?
ALL: (Adlibbed:) Yes ma'am!
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MRS. EUBANKS: (Moving in on them, forcing them more and
more into a corner:) Now, if I let your little friend off, what do
you think will happen? Why, he'll defy me again, won't he?
And again and again until before you know it, he's defied me
and the laws of a civilized society straight into a cell on Death
Row, just like his cousin Leon! Is that what you want?
ALL: No ma'am!
MRS. EUBANKS: What? I can't hear you!
ALL: No ma'am!
MRS. EUBANKS: Well, alright then. (She steps back and spits
again:) Where did you say he was?
(All three boys point in unison out the front window of the booth
and toward the imaginary stage.)
Thank you. Now relax. I don't bite—not unless you say
"please." (She looks at Charlie who is having trouble breathing:)
Boy, are you okay? Do you need something to drink?
CHARLIE: Oh yes, thank you!
(He grabs the spit cup and drinks it all, then making a horrible
face, gags and runs out UC.)
TONY: Ah, Cliff, why don't you show Mrs.—ah, Spook's mom
the way backstage and make sure Charlie is alright while
you're at it. Maybe find a nurse. Or a priest. I'll just stay here
and...
(They exit UC.)
...start drinking heavily.
(Tony drops down into his chair and begins setting up the light
board, but his heart isn't in it. As he tries to focus, CAMILLE
CURRY steps into the UC doorway. Nineteen and beautiful in
a way that teenagers seldom are, she knows exactly the
impression she makes on people and uses it ruthlessly to her
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advantage. She is wearing a short, tight dress with an ample
amount of cleavage and her hair and make-up are perfect. She
poses in the doorway like a goddess, but Tony doesn't see her.)
(To himself:) I take back anything I ever said about you, Spook.
I take it all back.
CAMILLE: Are you talking to me, Tony? I used to love it
when you whispered in my ear, but I can't hear a word you're
saying. Maybe I need to get closer...
(She crosses to him as he buries his face in his hands.)
TONY: Oh sweet Jesus—God, not now.
(Camille gets to Tony, who is still seated. She slowly turns the
chair until he's facing her and, placing her hands on the arm
rests, leans toward him.)
CAMILLE: (Soft and sexy:) Hi, Tony. Long time no see.
TONY: (Looking up at her:) Camille. What are you doing here?
CAMILLE: Now, is that any way to treat an old friend? I
come all this way to see you, all this way to save your petty
little high school show and this is the thanks I get? "Camille,
what are you doing here?"
TONY: (Standing:) I'm sorry. Hey, Camille.
You look great! What are you doing here?
How's tricks?
CAMILLE: (Hurt:) You know why I'm here, Tony. You don't
have to be so mean.
TONY: Ignoring the irony of that statement, Camille, I do
know why you're here. And I am fully prepared to do my
work all the way up here, while you do yours, all the way
down there. Why are you in my booth?
CAMILLE: I wanted to talk about my lighting! Since I've been
to community college I've learned that there are some lights
that (She begins moving toward him:) caress my face like the
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morning sun and others that bathe my body like a gentle
spring rain.
TONY: (Backing up as she advances:) The lighting's already set,
Camille. I can't change it.
CAMILLE: No? What about the love scene?
TONY: There is no love scene in this play, Camille.
CAMILLE: (Finally trapping him in the corner, she puts her arms
around him:) Maybe not in the play...
(She kisses him. He's trying to fight it, but she's good at it.
Amy enters UC and stands in the doorway.)
AMY: I hope I'm not interrupting!
(Tony breaks free of the kiss.)
TONY: (Matter-of-factly:) I see. God hates me. I understand
that now. Thank you Lord, for making that clear.
AMY: Anybody want to say anything or should I just start
looking for someplace to hide the bodies?
TONY: Ames, come on! You know I had nothing to do with
this! She means nothing to me!
CAMILLE: (Slyly and smugly:) Hmmm. Seems to me your lips
are saying one thing now, but a minute ago they were saying
something completely different.
TONY: (He's had enough:) I'm not going to Harvard. I'm going
into witness protection. (Getting angry:) You don't get to do
this, Camille! You cheated on me. You lied to me! I adored
you when we were dating! The lowly freshman who managed
to snag the big shot sophomore—
CAMILLE: (Correcting him:) The sexy big shot sophomore—
TONY: Fine, Camille! You were sexy! You are sexy! You've
got a face that could launch a thousand ships! Men will fight
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wars over you! But you know what, Camille? I won't be one
of them. And you know why? Because I know you're fake.
That behind the hair and the eyes and the body, there's
nothing there! You're all cover and no book, Camille! A
moderately talented actress on a very small stage. (He puts his
arm around Amy, who is staring at him in disbelief:) Now, don't
you have a show to do? Why don't you get down to wardrobe
and let me do my job.
(Speechless, Camille exits with an angry sob.)
(Looks down at Amy, still in the crook of his arm, who is staring at
him intently:) What? Have I got something in my teeth?
AMY: (Hugging him tightly:) Best. Boyfriend. Ever.
TONY: Ha. I coulda' told you that. Just had to ask.
(He tries to disengage, but she holds on tighter.)
AMY: I love you.
TONY: (Gives her a quick, heartfelt kiss:) I love you, too. Did
you get Crenshaw taken care of?
(She nods as Cliff enters UC in a hurry.)
CLIFF: Break it up, you love-starved horny toads! This is a
call for places! We are finally gonna turn this mother out!
TONY: (They all sit and put on headsets:) Is everybody ready?
CLIFF: Who cares? If we make the audience wait much
longer, we'll have to hand out blankets and pillows! Let's get
'ir done!
AMY: Why are we even doing this play, anyway?
CLIFF: Because it meets the Three C's of Mrs. Tucker's play
selection criteria...
TONY AND CLIFF TOGETHER: Can't afford it, Can't cast it,
Can't understand it!
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(They laugh and all is right in their world once again.)
TONY: Alright, house lights down. (He pulls a slide on the light
board down:) Music up.
(Amy pushes a slide up on the sound board and we hear generic
music begin to play in background.)
Zone One up full.
(He hits a key on the computer keyboard for the lights in Zone
one.)
Janie? Cue actors.
(In the background, we hear Camille and Charles acting out the
opening scene of some generic play [See Notes]. All goes well,
until...)
Ready Zone Three. (A pause.) Zone Three up full.
(Tony hits another computer key. There is a loud bang and a
puff of smoke. Everything goes black. There is pandemonium,
both in the booth and on stage for a moment until Tony's cell
phone begins ringing.)
(Shouting everyone down, still in the dark:) Quiet! This could be
Mrs. Tucker, backstage!
(We see the lights of the phone shining against his face as he
answers it.)
Hello? Who's this? (Pause.) Oh for cryin' out loud! Mom!
(As Tony cries "Mom!", Amy and Cliff begin shouting again,
trying to get the power back. Finally, the emergency lights come
up as Cliff opens up the light board and begins pulling out
wires.)
CLIFF: I think we blew out the whole thing!
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