CHARLIE
THE NO-GOOD, REALLY-ROTTEN,
CHEAT-A-SAURUS REX
_________________________________________________
A one-act comedy for young audiences by
Tommy Jamerson
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Charlie the No-Good, Really-Rotten, Cheat-A-Saurus Rex © 2014 Tommy Jamerson
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CAST OF CHARACTERS
PALEONTOLOGIST MARK, either, a paleontologist and the
story's narrator. The ad-libbing of lines is encouraged. Can be
played by a female actor, Paleontologist Mary.
NIECE NATALIE, either, Mark's niece, has just cheated on a
math quiz. Can be played a male actor, Nephew Nick.
CHARLIE CHEAT-A-SAURUS REX, male, the show's
protagonist, a bit of a slacker, but his heart is in the right place.
"NERDY" NANCY NANOSAURUS, either, Charlie's know-itall classmate. Can be played by a male actor, "Nerdy" Nathan.
STEGGIE "STEG MAN" STEGOSAURUS, either, Charlie's best
friend, a born follower. Can be played by a female actor, the
name however remains the same.
MRS. ANNA ANNASAURUS, either, a teacher at Dinossori
Elementary. Can be played by a male actor, Mr. Allen
Allosaurus.
REX BOX, either, Charlie's talking video game system, no
specific gender.
TIME
Present day/65 million years ago...
PLACE
A dig site/ Dinossori Elementary.
Charlie the No-Good, Really Rotten, Cheat-a-Saurus Rex
5
(Lights up on a dig site, present day. A dinosaur skull rests front
and center next to an alarm clock. Suddenly the alarm goes off.
Paleontologist Mark's voice can be heard offstage.)
MARK (Off:): Jumpin' Jurassics! Is it THAT time already?!
Don't worry, guys, I'm a comin'!
(MARK runs onstage dressed in an explorer's hat, a khaki shirt
and shorts.)
I'm comin'! I'm comin'! I'm comin'! I'm—
(He realizes he's almost across the other end of the stage when he
stops dead in his tracks.)
Hey, I'm here! Whew, I haven't run like since...well since ever.
Anyway, how are you guys doin'? (Encouraging the audience to
respond:) We can do better than that. I said, "How are you guys
doing?!"
(Once they respond again, he is satisfied.)
Good, huh? Well, that's swell. I'm good too. In fact, I'm better
than good, I'm great, because I get to spend the whole
afternoon talking with you guys about dinosaurs and
omnivores and carnivores and herbivores and any other kind
of ores we can think of! To start out, I'd like to introduce
myself. Hi. I'm Mark, Paleontologist Mark to be precise. A
paleontologist—in case you're unaware—is someone who
spends all day, every day, digging up dinosaur bones and
fossils, like this guy right here.
(Pointing to the dinosaur skull.)
I really like my job, as does my niece, Natalie. In fact, I think I
hear my happy-go-lucky girl coming right now! You guys are
going to love her! Hey there, sunshine!
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(NATALIE enters sporting a backpack. She is horribly
depressed. Perhaps she's draped in black. She is not happy or golucky.)
NATALIE: (Sighs.) Hi Uncle Mark.
MARK: Look Natalie, we've got company.
NATALIE: We do? Oh. Goodie.
MARK: Go on now. Don't be shy; say "Hi" to everyone. Say,
"Hi, friends!"
NATALIE: Hi. Friends. (Throwing her head in her hands:) UGH!
MARK: Natalie... Natalie? (To audience:) She's usually much
livelier than this. Do you guys think something's wrong with
her?
(Waits for response.)
Me too. Hey, Natalie, what's going on here? You're usually so
loud and outgoing. What's got you so upset?
NATALIE: Well...I guess now's as good a time as any to tell
you...
(Reaching into her backpack, she hands him a note.)
I got this from my teacher today.
MARK: A note? How fun! (To audience:) Teachers only write
these little babies when students have been extra good, right?
Let's see what it says. (Reading:) "Dear Paleontologist Mark,
we'd like to inform you that"... Uh huh...uh huh...uh-oh. Oh
no. Oh no, no, no. Oh-Natalie!!
NATALIE: I know, I know!
MARK: No, I don't think you do! Your teacher, Mr.
Stinkbottom— (Aside:) ...Really? Stinkbottom? (To Natalie:)
...Anyway, he accused you of cheating on your math quiz.
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Charlie the No-Good, Really Rotten, Cheat-a-Saurus Rex
7
This has to be some sort of misunderstanding. I'm going to
have a word with this Stinkbottom right now!
NATALIE: But, Uncle Mark—
MARK: I'm gonna march right down to that school of yours—
NATALIE: Uncle Mark—
MARK: Ask to speak to your teacher—
NATALIE: Uncle Mark—
MARK: And tell him that my niece—
NATALIE: CHEATED! Uncle Mark, I did it! I cheated...and
I'm sorry.
(She begins to exit.)
MARK: Not so fast, young lady. Come back here...
(Natalie snaps her fingers. “Rats.”)
What is the meaning of this? Why would you cheat? Well?
NATALIE: It wasn't on purpose or anything. I just, I got
confused and I couldn't focus and, and out of the corner of my
eye I saw Jenny Studebaker's quiz and all her answers looked
correct so I copied them. It's not like it's THAT big a deal
anyway. It was only a quiz!
MARK: Natalie, did something conk you on the head and
make you go all loopy? Cheating IS a big deal, and quizzes,
well quizzes weren't designed to see how good you are at
copying other people's answers; they were designed to see
how good you are at coming up with your own. And as far as
Jenny Studebaker's answers are concerned, under the
question, "What is 1 + 1?"
NATALIE: Yeah?
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MARK: You both drew a picture of a carrot.
(He holds up Natalie's test, a large carrot picture can be seen.)
That's how your teacher knew that one of you was cheating.
NATALIE: Huh. Imagine that. Oh well, next time I cheat I'll
try and do it off of someone who isn't so artistically inclined.
See you later, Uncle Mark.
MARK: Wait! "Next time you cheat"? There isn't going to be a
"next time," and you're not going anywhere. I was just about
to tell our friends here a story, and it's one I think you'll find
rather pertinent.
NATALIE: A story? You don't mean a—
MARK: That's right, a dinosaur story!
NATALIE: But you tell them all the time!
MARK: I know and I'm about to tell another one. That is, if
these guys don't object. What do you say? Do you want to
hear a dinosaur story?
(Natalie waves her arms indicating "No! No!")
Yeah? And do you also want to help me teach my niece a
lesson?
(Natalie continues with "No! No!")
I thought you would. Alright, everyone, sit tight—you too
Natalie—and listen closely. This story, like all my Dino-stories,
takes place over 65 million years ago! Can you imagine that?
65 million years?
NATALIE: I sure can—that's about the length of time it's
going to take you to finish.
MARK: (To audience:) I'm ignoring that. Anyway, once, 65
million years and three and a half days ago, there was a
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Charlie the No-Good, Really Rotten, Cheat-a-Saurus Rex
9
school, just like yours, only this school was inhabited by...
(The sound of a dinosaur roaring can be heard, startling Natalie.
The lights dim and the roar soon shifts into a school bell as the
scene shifts into a classroom.)
…Dinosaurs!
(MISS ANNA ANNASAURUS, the teacher, turns away from
her chalkboard and stares at her class through her spectacles.)
And the teacher of these dinosaurs was—
ANNA: Miss Anna Annasaurus! But you may call me Miss
Anna, if you like.
(Mark and Natalie disappear.)
Now, I want to personally welcome each and every one of you
to another perfectly prehistoric school day here at Dinossori
Elementary. Let's start things off by taking roll. Let's see...
Steggie Stegosaurus?
STEGGIE: Here.
MISS ANNA: Excellent! Bronnie Brontosaurus?
(Voiceover, "Here!")
Terry Pterodactyl?
(Voiceover, "Here...sadly.")
Nancy Nanosaurus?
NANCY: (Happily leaping up from her seat:) Present! Perky! And
permanently punctual!
MISS ANNA: Perfect. And let's see, and what about Charlie
Cheat-A-Saurus Rex? Is he here? Charlie? Charlie? Has anyone
seen Charlie Cheat-A-Saurus?
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NANCY: (Raising her claw:) Ooh! Ooh! Me! Call on me!
MISS ANNA: Yes, Nancy!
NANCY: As far as Charlie's whereabouts are concerned, Miss
Anna, I can honestly report that none of us have seen him.
MISS ANNA: Thank yo—
NANCY: BUT I will say that while I was taking my morning
stomp to school—which usually starts ten minutes before
everyone else's—
MISS ANNA: Including mine—
NANCY: I did pass the Cheat-A-Saurus cave and heard what
sounded like snoring coming from Charlie's room. Assuming
I'm correct—which is a pretty safe assumption—and assuming
he doesn't arrive in the next, oh, five seconds, I'm afraid that
would officially make Charlie—
CHARLIE: (Entering and pointing to his watch:) On time! At
least according to my Fossil!
NANCY: What?!
MISS ANNA: You squeaked in just in time, Mr. Cheat-ASaurus. Have a seat.
(Charlie takes his seat between Steggie and Nancy.)
NANCY: But, but, Miss Anna—
MISS ANNA: Butts are meant to be behind you, Nancy, and
we're looking ahead. Now students, I want everyone to turn to
page fifteen in your textbooks and read-CHARLIE: (Aside—to Steggie:) About a bunch of dino-snores!
STEGGIE: (Chuckling:) You've got that right. Phew. I'm so
glad you're here, Charlie. I was worried I was gonna be stuck
with "Nerdy" Nancy all afternoon.
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Charlie the No-Good, Really Rotten, Cheat-a-Saurus Rex
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NANCY: I'm sitting right here you know.
STEGGIE/CHARLIE: We know.
STEGGIE: What took you so long?
CHARLIE: Ugh, I overslept
NANCY/STEGGIE: AGAIN?
STEGGIE: Butt out, Nancy.
CHARLIE: Yes, again! But I can't help myself.
NANCY: You could "help yourself" to an alarm clock, you
know.
CHARLIE: Butt out, Nancy!
STEGGIE: What have you been doing that's been keeping you
up at night?
CHARLIE: What else? Playing my favorite video game of all
time, TAR WARS!
STEGGIE: You mean...
CHARLIE/STEGGIE: (Singing in tune with the Star Wars theme
music:) TAR WARS, TA-TA-TA-TAR WARS, TA-TA-TA-TAR
WARS, TA-TA-TA-TAR!
CHARLIE: It's only the greatest Rex Box video game since,
since, since the Stone Age!
NANCY: You do realize that was last year, right?
CHARLIE/STEGGIE: BUTT OUT, NANCY!
NANCY: I will not! Now stop being such bullysauruses and
PAY ATTENTION!
ANNA: Hatchlings!
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CHARLIE/STEGGIE/NANCY: Uh oh.
MISS ANNA: Are we chit-chatting today, OR concentrating
on our arithmetic? I certainly hope it's the latter.
CHARLIE/STEGGIE/NANCY: Sorry Miss Anna.
MISS ANNA: You're forgiven, but I need you to remember
that your SATs ARE next week, and it's crucial that you do
well on them.
STEGGIE: Wait, what?
CHARLIE: SAT's?
NANCY: You know, our "Scales And Tails" examination, only
the most important Dinosaur test of the year!
CHARLIE: Oh yeah, that.
MISS ANNA: Yes, Charlie, that.
CHARLIE: No need to worry, Miss Anna. I'm sure it'll be a
breeze. A piece-O-cake, even!
STEGGIE: (Perking up:) Did somebody say "cake"?!
MISS ANNA: I'm glad to hear you're so confident, Mr. CheatA-Saurus, but you might want to take this examination a bit
more seriously. Remember, in order for you to move on to the
next grade, we first need to test you and make sure you're
ready.
STEGGIE: Really?
MISS ANNA: (Pulling out a stack of booklets:) And truly, Mr.
Stegosaurus. I suggest you all spend your weekend going over
these study guides; they're chock-full of questions you're sure
to find on the test.
CHARLIE: You mean, like, "Why can't you hear a Pterodactyl
go to the bathroom?"
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STEGGIE: I dunno, why?
CHARLIE: Because the "P" is silent!
(Charlie and Steggie crack up at this and give each other a high
five.)
MISS ANNA: Hilarious. Anyway hatchlings, please make
sure you study these carefully. They'll definitely help you
succeed on Monday's examination. And, just so you know; if,
while you're studying, you run into a question you can't solve,
the answers can be found on the back.
(The bell sounds as the students grab their belongings and rush
out the door.)
What? Recess already? And I could've sworn this scene just
started. Oh well, you're all—
(Steggie and Charlie charge out the door loudly, along with the
sound of other dinosaurs doing the same. Nancy sits at her desk
quietly, waiting patiently.)
Excused.
(The lights dim on Miss Anna and Nancy and rise on Mark and
Natalie. Charlie and Steggie walk in place, silently talking and
joking with one another.)
MARK: Later that day, Charlie and Steggie stomped home
together, joking about this, talking about that, and thinking
about everything but their big impending test. Just when they
had gone as—
NATALIE: Wait a second.
(Charlie and Steggie come to a screeching halt and freeze in their
position.)
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Let me get something straight here. You mean to tell me that
Charlie's teacher expected him to spend his ENTIRE weekend
studying?
MARK: Well, a chunk of it anyway, yes.
NATALIE: So...no going to the movies? No video games? No
nothing? Just piles and piles of homework? I really don't think
that's fair.
MARK: Life isn't always fair, Natalie. Sure, going to the
movies and playing video games are great, but sometimes in
order to enjoy those pastimes, we first need to buckle down
and tackle our responsibilities.
NATALIE: But Uncle Mark, responsibilities are sooo boring.
MARK: Maybe sooo, but had you been more responsible and
prepared for your math quiz, you wouldn't have needed to
cheat, and you wouldn't have gotten into trouble, and you
wouldn't be sitting here, listening to another one of my boring
Dino-stories. I dunno, just a thought.
NATALIE: Point taken. Continue.
MARK: Thank you.
(He snaps his fingers and Charlie and Steggie unfreeze.)
Charlie and Steggie were on their way home when...
STEGGIE: Holy herbivores! I can't believe that you made it all
the way to Level 7 in Tar Wars! Isn't that, like, almost
impossible?!
CHARLIE: Maybe to some lily-livered lizards out there, but
not for a dino-mite dinosaur like myself. I'm 99.999 percent
certain that by the end of this weekend, I'll have the whole
thing beat!
STEGGIE: You really think so?
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Charlie the No-Good, Really Rotten, Cheat-a-Saurus Rex
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CHARLIE: I know so.
STEGGIE: Wow, Charlie. You're like my hero.
CHARLIE: I know.
NANCY: (Entering:) Steggie, you really need to get yourself
some new role models.
CHARLIE/STEGGIE: Oy. Not "Nerdy" Nancy.
NANCY: The one and only. And for the record, I'm proud of
that nickname—it was earned.
CHARLIE: You can say that again.
NANCY: And I will, especially when Steggie and I get great
grades on our SATs this Monday, thanks to this weekend's
little study session! Right, Steg?
CHARLIE: Wait! Hold the phone!
(Steggie unzips Charlie's backpack and pulls out a large,
Flintstones-esque cell phone. That is, if the Flintstones had cell
phones.)
STEGGIE: Ok! Got it!
CHARLIE: Nancy, you mean to tell me that you...and
Steggie...are planning on studying, together, this weekend?
That's the funniest thing I've heard all day, right Steggie?
(Charlie laughs. No response. He laughs again, still no response.
He begins laughing a third time only to stop himself.)
You're not laughing.
STEGGIE: I know.
CHARLIE: Steggie, this can't be right! I mean...is she...? Is
this...? True? You're spending all your free time burying your
snout in some book just so can prepare for a test?
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NANCY: He certainly is! He approached me and we discussed
it over recess while you were flexing your (Through air quotes:)
"Muscles" to the other dinosaurs.
CHARLIE: (Not grasping the concept of "air quotes":) Um, first of
all, I don't know what "this" even means. And second—
Steggie, why on Pangaea are you doing this to yourself? It
doesn't make any sense!
STEGGIE: C'mon, Charlie, what other choice do I have? My
grades haven't been that good lately, and, and as much as I've
enjoyed fifth grade, I really don't want to repeat it.
CHARLIE: Please.
STEGGIE: Besides, my Ma says that if I come home with one
more “F,” she'll make me wish that I'd never been hatched!
CHARLIE: She's not going to do anything. What's wrong with
you?
NANCY: Nothing! Nothing is wrong with him! He's an
intelligent dinosaur making a wise decision!
CHARLIE: (Laughing:) Wait, Steggie? Intelligent? That's rich!
STEGGIE: (Laughing with him.) Yeah, "rich." Hey! That's an
insult! To Me! I take offense to that! I am intelligent!
NANCY: Yes, you are!
STEGGIE: And smart!
NANCY: Yeah!
STEGGIE: (Air quotes:) And whatever "this" is, too!
NANCY: (Aside:) Alright, now we're getting carried away.
STEGGIE: Look Charlie, I don't need to stand here and be
insulted. If I wanted that, I'd just go visit my grandmother.
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Charlie the No-Good, Really Rotten, Cheat-a-Saurus Rex
17
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to exit, stage right, and
start on my homework. Oh, and from now on, Mr. Cheat-ASaurus, you can hold your own phone!
(Steggie hands Charlie the phone and exits in a huff.)
CHARLIE: Wait, Steggie! Steggie, come back! Steggie!
NANCY: You can be a real creep sometimes, you know that
Charlie? A real creep! Just so you know, we'll be the ones
having the last laugh come Monday when we do significantly
better on the test than you.
(She exits in a huff.)
Steggie, wait up! I've got some algebraic equation flashcards
we can go over before we get started! Or we could even
diagram sentences!! Doesn't that sound like fun?!
CHARLIE: Eh, what do they know? I'll do fine on that
test...yeah, fine.
(Charlie looks at his study guide for a moment and exits.)
MARK: That night, Charlie decided that maybe, just to be on
the safe side, he should study for his SATs...at least for a little
bit. He was sure to answer all the questions with ease, and
once he was done, he could devote his full attention to his Rex
Box and, of course, Tar Wars! He opened his study guide and
began...
(The scene shifts to Charlie, sitting at a desk, a large pencil in
one claw and the study guide in the other. His REX BOX sits
stage left.)
CHARLIE: (Speaking at a ridiculously fast pace:) Okay. Let's see,
question number one, numero uno—"If two brontosauruses
leave two different cities heading toward each other at two
different speeds, when and where will the two meet?" Uhh...in
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the middle? "Take into account that Brontosaurus A is
traveling at 70 miles per hour and Brontosaurus B is traveling
at 80 miles per hour and then add and divide that by the
circumference of east meets west, times longevity, AND minus
PI"! Wait...pie? What do baked goods have to do with math
questions? Oh brother, this test is going to be harder than I
thought. Okay, let's see, "If two...if two..."
(Charlie tries to focus yet again, but begins to yawn loudly, and
starts to nod off here and there...)
Wow, this stuff isn't just boring, it's exhausting! Add that to
the fact that I haven't been sleeping well lately, and this book
is making me a little...a little...
(Zzzzz. Charlie passes out instantly and begins to snore, loudly.
Suddenly, he wakes with a start.)
Huh? What was—gotta focus, gotta focus, gotta...
REX BOX: (Voiceover:) Charlie...Charlie...
CHARLIE: What? Who's there?
REX BOX: Charlie...it's me...over here!
CHARLIE: Over...where?
REX BOX: Over HERE!
(Perhaps a heavenly glow shines down on the Rex Box as it
springs to life!)
CHARLIE: Cretaceous that's bodacious! My Rex Box! It's
talking!
REX BOX: You bet your sweet scales I am!
CHARLIE: Either I'm going bananas or this is a dream! Wake
up, Charlie! Wake up!
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REX BOX: Oh Charlie, this isn't a dream, and you're not going
bananas...but I must admit, I think I am. I'm going bananas
over my...loneliness.
CHARLIE: You are?
REX BOX: Yeah. You see Charlie, usually we spend every
night together hunting down bad guys and blowing up
zombies...
CHARLIE: Yeah we do!
REX BOX: But this evening you've been so focused on that
book of yours that I'm starting to feel abandoned...forgotten
even! Oh Charlie, why don't you love me anymore? Why?
Why?! Why!?!
(The Rex Box begins to sob bitterly. Charlie dashes to its side.)
Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Boo–hoo-hoo—I
assure you if I had tear ducts this would be much more
devastating—hoo-hoo!
CHARLIE: Oh Rex Box, don't boo hoo!
REX BOX: Says you!
CHARLIE: But I do, love spending time with you!
REX BOX: Is that true?
CHARLIE: I thought you knew!
REX: Phew.
CHARLIE: Wait, why are we slipping into rhyme?
REX BOX: Beats me.
CHARLIE: Listen, I've got this big test and—
REX BOX: Is that what this is all about? You can study for that
measly little test any ol' time—later tonight even, if you like—
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but how often can you defeat Level 8 of Tar Wars with me?
Well...?
CHARLIE: Well... I could study later tonight, I suppose.
REX BOX: Uh huh.
CHARLIE: And Level 8 is supposed to be almost impossible...
REX BOX: Almost...
CHARLIE: And if I beat that level, then I'm one step closer to
finishing the game...
REX BOX: Yes...
CHARLIE: Which would really impress Steggie and probably
cause him to forgive me for this afternoon!
REX BOX: Ding! Ding! Ding! We've got a winner!
CHARLIE: Alright then, I'll do it—but only for an hour! Then
I'll go back to solving that math problem.
REX BOX: Oh Charlie, you're so funny. Right now, though,
the only problem you need to worry about solving is—sing it
with me—
CHARLIE/REX BOX: TAR WARS, TA-TA-TA-TAR WARS,
TA-TA-TA-TAR WARS, TA-TA-TA-TAR!
(Charlie picks up his remote controller and begins to play the
game. Lights rise on Natalie and Mark.)
NATALIE: Atta boy, Charlie, blast those Tar Wars Zombies
into next week! See, Uncle Mark, Charlie made the right
choice. He chose to have a good time now, all the while
knowing that he'd handle his responsibilities later. I don't see
anything wrong with that.
MARK: You don't, huh?
NATALIE: Not in the least.
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Charlie the No-Good, Really Rotten, Cheat-a-Saurus Rex
21
MARK: Alright, then, while you're busy cheering him on, do
me a favor and hold these...
(Mark hands Natalie a few large signs.)
NATALIE: What are these for?
MARK: You'll see... (Facing the audience:) As the night wore on,
Charlie continued to play his Rex Box, promising himself that
he'd wait until "later." Natalie.
NATALIE: Oh. Ok!
(She holds up a sign that reads: LATER.)
CHARLIE: (Looking at his watch:) Oh wow, it's "Later" already?
I should really study...
REX BOX: Charlie...
CHARLIE: You're right, Rex Box...the studying can wait until
the next level...
NATALIE: Oh...
MARK: Things continued to play out this way the rest of the
weekend. Natalie, sign. Maestro, music...
(The Jeopardy theme music, or something similar to it, begins
to play in the background. As the music plays, the following
scene plays out like a montage between Charlie and his game,
and Natalie and her cue cards. Natalie continues to flip the cards
that read, AFTER THE NEXT LEVEL, SATURDAY
MORNING, SATURDAY AFTERNOON, SATURDAY
NIGHT!,
SUNDAY
MORNING!!,
SUNDAY
AFTERNOON!!!, and SUNDAY EVENING!!!!!)
(As the scene progresses, Charlie becomes more and more fixated
on his video game, and Natalie becomes more and more irritated
with him. Suddenly the music comes to a screeching halt.)
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22
Tommy Jamerson
CHARLIE: Ok, blast! Jump! Punch! Sock 'em in the kisser—
one, two, one two! And then jump again! Jump AGAIN! JUMP
AGAIN!! AND-POW!!! ...I did it! I DID IT!! I—I beat TAR
WARS! I can't believe it! Can you, Rex Box? Rex Box? (No
response.) Huh, he must be exhausted from all that game play.
I know I am. (Beginning to doze off:) I think there was
something I needed to or...or was supposed to do...but
whatever it is I'm sure it can—
(And the snoring commences...)
MARK: The next morning...
(A roar can be heard off stage.)
CHARLIE: (Waking with a start:) What!? What! Huh...?
(The roar again.)
I'm up, Ma! I'm up! Jeez. What's she getting all bent out of
shape about? It's not like it's...
(Natalie enters, holding up a large sign in front of him: IT'S
MONDAY!)
Gasp! IT'S MONDAY!
NATALIE: Uh...ya think?
CHARLIE: Holy Herbivores! I'll be late for the test! Gotta go,
gotta go, gotta go!
(Charlie crams what papers and pencils he can into his backpack
and zooms out the door. A bell ringing can be heard. The lights
shift back to Dinossori Elementary. Miss Anna is in the midst of
taking roll call.)
NANCY: (Exactly as she was in the prior Dinossori scene:) ...And
according to my calculations that would make him...
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Charlie the No-Good, Really Rotten, Cheat-a-Saurus Rex
23
(Miss Anna, Steggie, and Nancy all turn to face the door,
waiting for Charlie to stroll in. Beat.)
MISS ANNA: Tardy, I sup—
(Charlie, enters, gasping for air and completely out of breath. He
moans and groans loudly.)
CHARLIE: (Gasping—out of breath:) Here! No, I'm here! HERE!
MISS ANNA: Just in the nick of time yet again, Mr. Cheat-ASaurus. Please, take your seat.
CHARLIE: (Through wheezes:) Ok, just...give me one minute
to...catch my...breath. Ok.
(He takes his seat.)
MISS ANNA: Now hatchlings, before we get started with this
morning's test, I want to make sure that you all have your
Number One Pencils in claw? Do you?
(The students hold up their pencils.)
Excellent. Please open your booklets, turn to page one, keep
your mouths closed, your eyes on your own work,
and...BEGIN!
(Miss Anna approaches her desk and opens a book, clearly not
paying attention to the students.)
Ahh, Nicholas Spikes, what romantic escapades do you have
in store for me today?
CHARLIE: Psst! Psst...hey, Steggie! Steggie.
NANCY: Mouths. Closed. Charlie.
CHARLIE: Oh butt out, Nancy. Psst! Steggie, you're never
gonna believe this, but I—
STEGGIE: Like Nancy said, Charlie—"Mouths. Closed."
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Tommy Jamerson
NANCY: Good luck, Steg!
STEGGIE: You, too, Nance!
CHARLIE: Ok, fine. You don't wanna talk to me—then I don't
wanna talk to you! Let's see, first question. "If two
brontosauruses leave two different"—Aw, seriously?! What
am I gonna do?
(Slamming his claw down in frustration, he accidentally breaks
his pencil.)
My pencil too! This is really not my morning.
(He begins digging through his backpack to find another pencil,
and with it, accidentally pulls out the test booklet.)
Here we go...wait, what's this? Why it's, it's the test booklet.
And here on the last page...what did Miss Annasaurus say
about the last page?
MISS ANNA: (In voiceover—Charlie's memory:) If, while you're
studying, you run into a question you can't solve, the answers
can be found on the back.
CHARLIE: Right! Thank you, voiceover.
MISS ANNA: (In voiceover:) You're welcome.
CHARLIE: The answers; they're ALL here! Now all I have to
do is copy them down and—wait, I can't do that. That would
be...cheating. And I can't cheat, because that's wrong. Right?
Right! It's wrong! If I'm gonna do this, it's gonna be on my
own. Let's see, where was I? Oh yeah...that extremely hard
and
extremely
confusing
brontosaurus
question.
Hmmm...maybe if I use the answer guide for just this one
question, I'll get a feel for how the rest of the test is going to
operate and I won't need to cheat anymore. Okay, so the first
answer is... (Making sure no one is looking, he takes a quick peek:)
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Charlie the No-Good, Really Rotten, Cheat-a-Saurus Rex
25
B. Alright, on to question two—which I'll solve totally on my
own. (He reads the question, mumbling as he does so:) Huh, I don't
know this one either. And the clock is ticking by faster than I
expected. Maybe Steggie and Nancy were right...maybe I
should've studied for this test.
MARK: Not knowing what to do, but realizing that time was
not on his side, Charlie looked left, he looked right, and when
he realized the coast was clear, he pulled out the answer sheet
yet again and...
NATALIE: Don't say it, Uncle Mark.
MARK: ...Cheated.
(Natalie hangs her head in shame.)
Soon, Miss Anna called—
MISS ANNA: Time!
MARK: And the test was over. Well...almost.
(Everyone puts their pencils down except for Charlie.)
CHARLIE: Eighteen is D! Nineteen is—
MISS ANNA: Charlie, did you hear me?
CHARLIE: Nineteen is B.
MISS ANNA: Charlie...
CHARLIE: And twenty is...
MISS ANNA: Charlie!
CHARLIE: C!
MISS ANNA: "C"?
CHARLIE: (Putting his pencil down:) I mean, "Si!" as in "Yes," as
in "I did hear you," Miss Annasaurus! Phew.
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26
Tommy Jamerson
(Charlie tucks the answers back into his bag when Miss Anna
isn't looking.)
MISS ANNA: (Collecting the papers:) Alright then. I want to
commend you students on what I thought was a very
successful test day. You all seemed to be working so hard.
(Approaching Charlie's desk:) And what about you, Mr. CheatA-Saurus? How was the test? Was it a "piece-O-cake"?
CHARLIE: It was somethin' alright.
MISS ANNA: I'm sure you did a wonderful job. You spent the
whole afternoon focusing on your studies and not cracking
jokes—I'm proud of you, Charlie. I really am.
(The bell rings.)
Alright students, you are—
(Again Steggie and Charlie charge out the door loudly, along
with the sound of other dinosaurs doing the same. Nancy sits at
her desk quietly, waiting patiently.)
Excused. Why do I even bother?
NANCY: Beats me.
(Lights shift. Charlie enters his bedroom.)
MARK: That night, Charlie went straight to his room without
any supper, replaying Miss Anna's words over and over in his
head...
MISS ANNA: (Voiceover:) I'm proud of you, Charlie. I'm
proud of you. Charlie, Charlie, Charlie...
(Charlie begins to toss and turn, covering his ears with his
pillow, trying to drown out her words.)
Charlie, Charlie, Charlie, Charlie...
REX BOX: Charlie, yo; over here!
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Charlie the No-Good, Really Rotten, Cheat-a-Saurus Rex
27
CHARLIE: Huh? Oh, it's you. Hey Rex Box.
REX BOX: Hey ol' buddy, ol' pal of mine. What do you say to
another electrifying game of Tar Wars? Bet you'll beat your
high score from this weekend!
CHARLIE: That's ok, RB. I'm not really in the mood.
REX BOX: You're not? What gives?
CHARLIE: Nothing, just... Okay, I'll be honest with you.
Today was my big examination and I...cheated.
REX BOX: ...And?
CHARLIE: ...And what? I cheated! That's horrible! That's
awful! That's—
REX BOX: No big deal in the least. I mean, doesn't everybody
cheat at least once in their lives? Well...
CHARLIE: I suppose they do. But I still don't think that makes
it right.
REX BOX: And who's to say what IS and ISN'T right? Grownups? Listen kid, you were smart to cheat. It makes life easier.
In fact, I'll bet that this time tomorrow you'll find a big fat A
on that test of yours and you didn't have to waste any of your
precious time earning it. It's win/win.
CHARLIE: Maybe so, but then why do I feel so lousy?
REX BOX: A minor side effect. After a few more times of
doing it, the guilty feelings will fade.
MARK: Despite what the Rex Box said, Charlie didn't feel any
better the next day. In fact, he felt even worse.
CHARLIE: You got that right.
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28
Tommy Jamerson
MARK: He felt so bad that he decided to show up to class
early. He didn't know what would happen once he got there,
but he was pretty sure that he—
NATALIE: Couldn't live with the guilt of cheating anymore?
MARK: Bingo. So, that morning at Dinossori Elementary...
(Lights up on the classroom as Miss Anna, grading papers,
comically sings a little song to herself all the while listening to
her dinoPOD. Here she sings a parody of Miley Cyrus's WE
CAN'T STOP, but the song lyrics may be changed.)
MRS ANNA: AND WE CAN'T STOMP.
NO, WE WON'T STOMP.
DON'T YOU KNOW IT'S WE WHO HUNT AT NIGHT?
DON'T YOU KNOW IT'S WE WHO CHOMP AND BITE?
SAYIN' LA DA DI DA DI
WE EATIN' HEARTILY
DANCIN' WITH—
(Charlie enters.)
Charlie! You almost scared me into extinction! Wait, what time
is it? You're not due to be here for another half an hour. What's
going on? Are you feeling alright?
CHARLIE: (Depressed:) I'm fine, Miss Anna.
MISS ANNA: Fine? Fine, you are not fine.
CHARLIE: You can tell, huh?
MISS ANNA: I certainly can. Why you're BETTER than fine.
First, you show up yesterday with a new and improved
attitude and today, you not only arrive on time, but early! I
don't know what's gotten into you Mr. Cheat-A-Saurus, but I
like it.
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Charlie the No-Good, Really Rotten, Cheat-a-Saurus Rex
29
CHARLIE: Speaking of being a Cheat-A-Saurus, there's
something I think I have to tell you.
MISS ANNA: You do?
CHARLIE: Yeah. You see...ah...yesterday I—
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