All Rights Reserved © 2014
THAT’S JUST SICK
A notorious hypochondriac bumped into his
Doctor at the supermarket. “Doc!” the man
exclaimed, “remember those voices I kept
hearing in my head? I haven’t heard them in
weeks!”
“Wow!,” replied the doctor, “that’s really
wonderful news!”
“Wonderful?” said the man. “There’s
nothing wonderful about it. I think I’m going deaf!”
YOU KNOW THE DRILL
A woman walked into a Dentist office. “How much do you
charge to pull out a tooth?” she asked.
“It’s $130,″ was the prompt reply.
“$130!” She gasped, “can’t you go any cheaper.”
“If we don’t numb it,” said the Dentist, “I could knock off
$30.”
“That’s still $100,” said the woman, “you’ve
got to go cheaper.”
“Well,” said the Dentist, “I suppose
if I took it out with a pair of pliers
I could knock it down to $50.”
“Perfect,” said the woman. “I’d
like to make an appointment
for my husband.”
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IF YOU COULD SEE YOURSELF THROUGH OTHER PEOPLE’S EYES YOU WOULD KNOW HOW AMAZING YOU TRULY ARE
ONE SONNY DAY
The couple’s only daughter burst into their living room and
said, "I have some great news! In a month, I’m getting married to the most handsome man in town.”
WITHOUT FAITH IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO PLEASE GOD—HEBREWS 11:6
Her Father took her aside, "I have to talk with you.
Your mother and I have been married
30 years, but I was married before and
I have to tell you that your fiancé is
actually your half-brother. I'm afraid
you can't marry him." The young
woman was heart-broken.
A year later she came home and announced, "My NEW boyfriend popped the question and we’re getting married in
June." Again her father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "This man is also your halfbrother."
The young woman was furious! She decided to go to her
mother with the news. "I guess I am never going to get married," she complained. "Every
time I fall in love, Dad tells me
that every man I get engaged to
is my half-brother!”
Her mother just shook her
head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear.
He's not really your father."
IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT’S ON A WOMAN’S MIND; PAY ATTENTION TO THE SONGS SHE IS LISTENING TO
WHEN OPENING PRESENTS NOBODY LIKES A GOOD GUESSER
WANT TO KNOW WHAT MAKES YOU SPECIAL? SIT FOR A CARICATURE
INSURANCE BRIEF:
The best time to review your auto and/or home insurance policy is before an accident. Having the right coverage can save you time, money, a big headache and
overall your future income. By far the most important
reason to review your policy is that It will help you
avoid financial catastrophe.
IT’S ALWAYS BEST TO ASK FOR ADVICE BEFORE YOU NEED IT
Insurance is like playing chess. If you make the wrong
move, the game might be over. The same goes with Insurance, if you don’t know what your coverage is, you
could be on your way to a big surprise. Do not be a victim of poor counseling. When it comes to insurance, you
can’t afford to make the wrong choices.
By definition, Insurance is the transfer of risk. Have
you transferred all the risk to your insurance company?
Insurance is a state mandate however having the right
insurance policy is completely up to you.
For a free auto and/or home evaluation, you can reach
me at:
[email protected]
or call me directly at (480) 855-4411
IT’S NEVER TOO LATE FOR AN APOLOGY
WHEN YOU OFFER TO HELP DON’T QUIT UNTIL THE JOB IS DONE
ADDRESS EVERYONE WHO CARRIES A FIREARM PROFESSIONALLY
JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN DOESN’T MEAN YOU SHOULD
ANY HOUR WITH GRANDPARENTS IS ALWAYS TIME WELL SPENT
SOMETIMES THE ROAD TO FORGIVENESS BEGINS WITH THE REALIZATION THAT THE OTHER PERSON IS TOTALLY CRAZY NUTS
A HANDSHAKE ALWAYS BEATS AN AUTOGRAPH
ALWAYS HOLD YOUR HEROES TO A VERY HIGH MORAL STANDARD
IF YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND SOMETHING ASK BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE
SOMETIMES, LATE AT NIGHT, I DIG A HOLE IN MY BACKYARD JUST TO KEEP THE NEIGHBORS GUESSING
WHEN THE GOVERNMENT’S BOOT IS ON YOUR THROAT IT REALLY MATTERS LITTLE IF IT IS THE RIGHT OR LEFT ONE
QUIT YOUR JOB, GET A TAN, BUY A TICKET, FALL IN LOVE, NEVER RETURN
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH WEARING A PLAIN T-SHIRT
¥ On May 22, 1843, a massive wagon train,
made up of 1,000 settlers, sets off down the
Oregon Trail from Independence, Missouri.
Known as the "Great Emigration," the expedition finally arrived in October, completing
the 2,000-mile journey in five months.
¥ On May 25, 1878, Gilbert and Sullivan's "HMS Pinafore"
premieres at the Opera-Comique in London, beginning a nearrecord run of 571 performances. The story of Pinafore concerns a First Lord of the Admiralty who is thwarted in his attempt to woo and marry the beautiful young daughter of a
British Navy ship's captain.
¥ On May 21, 1901, Connecticut becomes
the first state to pass a law regulating motor vehicles, limiting their speed to
12 mph in cities and 15 mph on
country roads. The proposed legislation had requested a speed limit
of 8 mph within city limits.
NO MAN EVER STEPS IN THE SAME RIVER TWICE, FOR IT'S NOT THE SAME RIVER AND HE'S NOT THE SAME MAN ―HERACLITUS
TWERKING AND SELFIES HAVE BEEN ADDED TO THE DICTIONARY AND THAT’S WHY THE ALIENS WON’T TALK TO US
¥ On May 23, 1911, the New York
Public Library, the largest marble structure ever constructed in the United
States, is dedicated in New York City.
The day after its dedication, some
40,000 citizens passed through to make
use of a collection that already consisted
of more than a million books.
¥ On May 20, 1969, Edward Kennedy (D-Mass.), in a Senate
speech, condemns the battle for Ap Bia Mountain in Vietnam,
which had become known as "Hamburger Hill." During the
intense fighting, 597 North Vietnamese were reported killed
and U.S. casualties were 56 killed and 420 wounded.
¥ May 24, 1989, "Sex, lies and videotape," the debut feature
from the 26-year-old writer-director Steven Soderbergh, wins
the Palme d'Or at the Cannes Film Festival. The $1.2 million
film was aggressively marketed by its distributor, Miramax
Films, and went on to gross some $26 million.
¥ On May 19, 1935, T.E. Lawrence, a former British Army
officer known to the world as Lawrence of Arabia,
dies as a retired Royal Air Force mechanic living under an assumed name. The
legendary war hero, author and
archaeological scholar succumbed
to injuries suffered in a motorcycle accident six days earlier.
(c) 2014 King Features Synd., Inc.
TO BELIEVE IN SOMETHING AND NOT LIVE IT IS DISHONEST
SOMETIMES WHEN YOU NEED A MIRACLE LOOK INTO YOUR CHILD’S EYES AND REALIZE YOU ALREADY CREATED ONE
...I AND THE FATHER ARE ONE." — JOHN 10:30
CURIOUSITY OFTEN LEADS TO TROUBLE
1. TELEVISION: What television sitcom family lived at 1313
Mockingbird Lane?
2. MATH: What is the square root of 169?
3. HISTORY: During the Great Depression of the 1930s,
what were the makeshift camps of homeless people called?
4. LITERATURE: What was the name of the dog in the film
and book with the subtitle, "Life and Love With the World's
Worst Dog"?
5. MOVIES: In what South American country were the bank
robbers Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid believed to have
been killed?
6. FIRST ACHIEVEMENTS: In what year were women officially allowed to run in the Boston Marathon?
7. GENERAL KNOWLEDGE: Where is the headquarters of
NATO located?
8. LITERATURE: Which famous artist served as a correspondent for Harpers' Weekly magazine during the Civil
War?
9. GEOGRAPHY: What is the largest desert in the world,
aside from the polar regions?
10. U.S. PRESIDENTS: Who served as the 16th president of
Answers
1. "The Munsters"
2. 13
3. Hoovervilles (named after
President Hoover)
4. Marley
5. Bolivia
(c) 2014 King Features Synd., Inc.
6. 1972
7. Brussels, Belgium
8. Winslow Homer
9. The Sahara Desert
10. Abraham Lincoln
BE JOYFUL IN HOPE, PATIENT IN AFFLICTION, FAITHFUL IN PRAYER. — ROMANS 12:12
"AS SURELY AS I LIVE," SAYS THE LORD, "EVERY KNEE WILL BOW BEFORE ME; EVERY TONGUE WILL CONFESS TO GOD." ROMANS 14:11
A WALK IN THE WOODS IS RELAXING; THE FACT THAT YOU’RE DRAGGING A DEAD BODY ALONG THE WAY SHOULD BE IRRELEVANT
¥ It was Danish physicist Niels Bohr who made the following
sage observation: "The opposite of a correct statement is a false
statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth."
MEN ARE WITHOUT EXCUSE.
— ROMANS 1:20
¥ When Walter Chrysler started his own automobile manufacturing company in 1925, after
having been employed by Buick and the
Overland Motor Company, he insisted
that all of the cars turned out by his
company be oversized. It seems that
Chrysler was a large man and wanted to be
sure he could fit comfortably into any of the
models produced in his name.
¥ It was in 1954 that the first TV dinner was
introduced.
¥ If you're planning a trip to Sweden, keep this
point of law in mind: In that country, it's illegal to teach a seal to balance a ball on its nose.
¥ You might have heard that the band on the doomed
ocean liner Titanic played music on the deck while the ship
sank. But you probably don't know what song they were playing at the very end. According to witnesses, it was a popular
British waltz called "Autumn."
¥ In 1983, a Polish director named Zbignew Rybcyznski won
the Academy Award for Best Animated Short. After he had
been presented with his award, he
stepped outside to smoke a cigarette.
When he tried to re-enter, a security guard
wouldn't let him in because the guard believed anyone wearing sneakers with a tuxedo couldn't be an attendee of the august
Academy Awards. Incensed, Rybcyznski
kicked the guard and landed himself in jail.
¥ Pigeons have the distinction of being only birds that don't
have to raise their heads to swallow when they drink water.
Thought for the Day:
" uck is the residue of design."-- Branch Rickey
L
(c) 2014 King Features Synd., Inc.