45
1-5-38
HIGGINS (X one step to ALFIE)
Do you mean to say that you would sell your daughter for
fifty pounds?
PICKERING
Have you no morals, man?
DOOLITTLE
No!
I can't afford 'em, Governor.
Neither could you if you
was as poor as me. Not that I mean any harm, mind ya ... but ...
(Cleans off the wing chair with
HIS dirty hat and sits)
if Eliza is going to get a bit out of this, why not me, too?
(HE is cleaning his teeth with HIS
tounge making a squeaking sound)
Eh? Look at it my way. What am I? I ask ya, what am I? I'm
one of the undeserving poor, that's what I am. Think what that
means to a man.
(HE is now scratching under HIS shirt with
great delight at the pleasure of it)
It means he's up agenst middle-class morality for all the time.
If there•s anything going and I put in for a bit of it, it's
always the same story: You're undeserving, so you can't have io,
(HE has been scratching through all this with
HIGGINS and PICKERING watching in fascination.
HIS hand now reaches HIS buttock)
But my needs is as great as the most deserving widow's that ever
got money out of six different charities in one week for the
death of the same husband.
(HE sits back and roars with laughter.
HIGGINS Xes to L of DOOLITTLE)
I don't need less that a deserving man, I need more. I don't
eat less hearty than he does, and I drink a lot more.
I'm
playing straight with you.
I ain't pretending to be deserving.
I'm undeserving, and I mean to go on being undeserving.
I li::e
it, and that's the truth. But will you take advantage of a
man's nature to do him out of the price of his own daughter
what he's brought up, fed and clothed by the sweat of his b=c~.
till she's growed big enough to be interesting to you two
gentlemen? Is five pounds unreasonable? I put it to you, a~c
I leave it to you.
HIGGINS (After a pause)
You know, Pickering, if we were to take this man in hand ~o=
six months, he could choose between a seat in the Cabinet a~d
a popular pulpit in Wales.
I suppose we ought to give him a
fiver?
PICKERING
He'll make bad use of it, I'm afraid.
DOOLITTLE
Not me, so help me, Governor, I won't. Just one good spree --myself and the missus, givin' pleasure to ourselves and emplc~·­
ment to others, and satisfaction to you to know it ain't bee~
throwed away.
You couldn't spend it better.
46
1-5-39
HIGGINS
This is irresistible.
(HE scratches a flea under HIS shirt)
Oh,
dam~!
(HE Xes to desk)
Let's give him ten.
DOOLITTLE
No!
The missus wouldn't have the heart to spend ten,
Governor; ten pounds is a lot of money:
it makes a man
prudent-like; and then goodbye to happiness. No, you gi'
me what I ask for, Governor:
not a penny less, not a per
more.
(HIGGINS Xes to desk, opens top drawer,
looks for money in HIS wallet)
PICKERING
I rather draw the line at encouraging this sort of
immortality. Doolittle, why don't you marry that
missus of yours? After all, marriage is not so
frightening.
You married Eliza's mother?
DOOLITTLE
Who told you that, Governor?
PICKERING
Well, nobody told me.
But I concluded naturally ...
(DOOLITTLE shakes HIS head "no'' - PICKERING
echoes the gesture and nod~ ''oh''. HIGGINS
by now has found the money and Xes back to L
of the wing chair)
HIGGINS
Pickering, if we listen to this man another minute we sh
have no convictions left.
Five pounds, I think you said
(HE offers DOOLITTLE the money)
DOOLITTLE
(Grabbing the money with a grin HE
rises and Xes U to UC door)
Thank you, Governor.
(Just as HE reaches the door, ELIZA enters
in a great hurry, followed by MRS. PEARCE)
I won't!
ELIZA
I won't!
I won't!
(SHE crashes into DOOLITTLE as
SHE Xes D to front of sofa)
DOOLITTLE
(Not recognizing who HE has bumped)
Beg pardon, Miss!
ELIZA
(After the bump, SHE Xes D to front of sofa)
I won't say those ruddy vowels one more ti~e!
103
2-3-18
ELIZA
What has he done to you?
DOOLITTLE
(X to R of HER)
He's ruined me, that's all. Destroyed me happiness.
Tied me up and delivered me into the hands of middle-class
morality. And don't you defend him. Was·it him or was it
not him that wrote to an old American blighter named
Wallingford that was giving five millions to found moral
reform societies, and tell him the most original moralist
in England was Mr. Alfred P. Doolittle, a common dustman?
ELIZA
That sounds like one of his jokes.
DOOLITTLE
You may call it a joke. It put the lid on me, right enough!
The bloke died and left me four thousand pounds a year in
his bloomin' will.
JAMIE
(Entering from Pub, Xes D to DR)
Oh, come on, Alfie.
In a couple of hours you have to be at
the church.
(A group of COCKNEYS enter from Pub
and group around the BARTENDER and
HARRY)
ELIZA
Church?
DOOLITTLE
Yes, church. The deepest cut of all.
(HE Xes up a bit, looking down at HER)
Why do you think I'm dressed up like a ruddy pall-bearer?
(HE Xes D to HER)
Your stepmother wants to marry me. Now I'm respectable she wants to be respectable.
(HE Xes DR)
ELIZA (X to HIM)
If that's the way you feel, why don't you give the money
back?
DOOLITTLE
That's the tragedy of it, Eliza.
It's easy to say chuck
it, but I haven't the nerve. We're all intimidated.
Intimidated, Eliza, that's what we are. And that's what
I am.
Bought up. That's what your precious professor
has brought me to.
ELIZA
(X to CS, facing front)
Not my precious professor.
104
2-3-19
DOOLITTLE
Oh, sent you back, has he? First he shov~s me in the
middle-class, then he chucks you out for me to support
you. All part of his plan.
(HE Xes to R of HER)
But you double-cross him Eliza. Don't you come home to me.
Don't you take tuppence from me.
You stand on your own
two feet.
(FREDDY enters from UL, Xes
D to LS)
You're a lady now and you can do it.
FREDDY
Eliza, it's getting awfully cold in that taxi.
DOOLITTLE
I say, you want to come and see me turned off this mornin'?
St. George's, Hanover Square, ten o'clock.
(X DR)
I wouldn't advise it, but you're welcome.
ELIZA
No, thank you, Dad.
FREDDY
(X D to R of ELIZA)
Are you all finished here?
ELIZA
(Gazing about)
Yes, Freddy.
I'm all finished here.
(Takes FREDDY's arm, Xes UL)
Good luck, Dad.
(SHE drops HER bouquet at CS.
DOOLITTLE watches HER go, rubbing
HIS hands in satisfaction at having
disposed of a knotty problem. Xes
CS, picks up violets)
JAMIE
Come along, Alfie ...
DOOLITTLE
(Turns X D to DRC)
How much time do I have left?
/22/ "GET ME TO THE CHURCH ON TIME"
JAMIE, HARRY & MALE CHORUS
THERE'S JUST A FEW MORE HOURS,
THAT'S ALL THE TIME YOU'VE GOT.
A FEW MORE HOURS
BEFORE THEY TIE THE KNOT.