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BUSINESS JOURNAL FOR WOMEN@
HOW DO YOU DEFINE
SUCCESS?
PROFILING PEOPLE WHO
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DON'T BRING
THE BOARDBOOM
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DETOX YOUR LIFE
AND FEEL RENEWED
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A MALE'S
PERSPECTIVE
Michael Staver
AGE:
47
TITLE:
Speaker, Business Strategist
The Staver Group, lounded 1992
COMPANY:
BBA, California Baptist University
MA (Couns. Psych.), National University
EDUCATION:
Certilication, Cognitive Behavioural
Psycholoqy, Center for Cognitive Therapy
MARITAL STATUS: Single
When tttur nolher teLls )ou that )'ou httve nore
prrltlerns than a ntallt book tLnd suggesl:t lhot wLI
should go to counseling, tttu listett: thal's v,hut Miclutel
Staver did arul it <:hangecl hi.s Life. \Ylile it nut be aust,
to soy that his tlecisilrt to t'isil ( llrcropi.st ltut ltint ott
llrc \troigllt ond nLtrrov., lrc' s ne,-e r be en thol g rcot v itJL
dire{:tion. F ron COO tu grad sthool, .frorn counseled
to cotutseLor,.fronr hurnout expert /o buntl-nul, Stat'er
htts tcrkan
At 47,
a
unitpta, scemingl"- backn'urds, puth in liJb.
Staver is.CEO
of The Staver Group (TSG),
a
business consulting firm based in Florida that facilitates
professional coaching. A vibrant presenter and enthusiastic
conversationalist, Staver is at the top of his game on stage,
or in my case, over the phone. Recounting his various
professional experiences, he moved rapidly through the
chronology of when each post was held, where, and for
how long, with anecdotes and jokey descriptions of leallife characters tossed in during frequent tangents, which,
while unexpected, never led him too far astray from his
original point- By my estimate, our conversation resembled
the rcality of his life: flush with brutally honest revelations,
humour, and swift changes, all of which remain connected
by one finely articulated theme: listen closely, act shrewdly,
create success.
lent itself to a nomadic family life or, later, tbregoing the
study of aviation, a longtine personal passion, for business
administration in order to satisfy his father, Staver listened
to others and acted to please. Rather than create success,
following the instructions of others led Staver to unfulfilling
and short-lived jobs and a doomed relationship he pleads
the "it's not you it's me" defense tbr why his firsl mar-riage
ultimately ended in divorce; he told the New York Times, "l
was a caged animal, an intemal cauldron of hostility, and I
pretty much killed that marriage."
It was during his divorce that his mother crowned him with
her words of wisdom and encouraged him to get therapy.
He resisted, but he listened. "I had no use for counseling
whatsoever," he says. "The last thing I wanted to do was sit
and talk to somebody about my problems. They bored me,
so they'd cartainly bore someone else. But my parents paid
for it, and lree is good, so I went." This was not the litst
time Mrs. Staver interjected with sage advice; when Mike
was a rebellious teen who seemed all but untouchable, she
used to slip "to read when you're alone" letters under his
pillow pledging uncooditional love and suppotl, even as hc
behaved like a self-professed jerk.
Staver, however, did not always embrace this mantra. As
a child he was more inclined to listen closely, but not to
his own inner desires. Whether he was ftying to fit in at a
ncu .chool-his farher'. job r\,:rn aulomoti\e e\ecutlve
HEARTBUSINESS.]OUBNAL.CON4
Tlre RoatlLess Trctveledby M. Scott Peck at the
behest ofhis therapist, Staver was forever changed. "lrealized
Afier reading
how amazingly ignorant I was relative to matte.s of human
SFPTF[,1BFB/OCTOBEF
2i](]B
PR0ilLE
bchaviour," he leleals. "I was a prctty successful businessperson.
but I kncw nothing about people." Concentrating on his career
in the wake of his clivorce. he noved through several corporate
envilonments belirre accepting a positiol as COO fol a burglar alanr
company in California. He continued lil go to coulseling and was
shockcd to hcar his therapist reconrmend counscling its a potential
plotession. 'l burst olri laughing and said. Are yorr kidding me'l I
can't stand listening to myscll'. much less sontebody else.' trut he
coltilued to encoulage me." After a lcw more rnonths ol listening.
Stavcr. in his signature style. actcd s$'ifrll'.
Dclivering explosive encrgy. dynamic coast to coast
presentations. and fanatical resulls souncLs incredible.
but also incrcdibly cxhausting. Afier more than l0
vcals building TSC fiom the ground up. and helping
cou]lless clients discover proltssionrl profltabilit)'
and personal satisfaction, Staver rvas burnt-out. "I
thiDk there are threc indicators. three pitfhlls. that will
lead to burnout veN quickly." he says. "One is the
need kl bc all drings to all people. one is the need to []e
in contrl)]. and the olhcr is the need 1() be righr."
One lpplication and one intcrvicw later. and lte was acccptcd to
Natiolal Ulliversity in San I)iego. He continued io rlln the alarnt
company while compleiin.q his degree. but upon graduating he
pursued two alternalivc positions: one. a clinical directot 1br a major
hospital anrl the other-. a managcr firr a tailing counscling centr-e:
circunlstances led him to chose the latter ancl hc was hired on the
con.lition that he would save the centrc ()t flce termination. Hc
turred it around in 90 days.
up 100 per ccnt tbr l}ly clicnts. I had to manage
the energy I inveslecl in other places on a physical.
ernotional, spililual. and mental level. I tbund Lnyself
Bu1 what about the one tllal
away'l The CEO of the llospital that
-qot
initially passed him over in tavour of a rnore erperiencccl candidatc
sitting in thc Atlautil airyot realizing that I was
burning ern awlul lot of energy on what I call lorv
gain activity: activit) that cloes lot procluce lirl nre
cventlrally called and asked hinr to recolsidcr thc ofter. From this
new posl, Shvcr begrn facilitating divorce recoverv workshops.
first as a f'll\our'. lrnd then as a ]ucl-ative pl-acticc. "To tell you the
lruth." he says, 'l was vely ft.llstrated rvith thc whole one-to one
counseling. eight hours a day, lighting rvith insurancc componics.
having to answer limillcss questions...My hcart was really about
how nany pcople can I influencc os l'tst as possiblc. becoLlse I
wrs very erergetic about all that I had lcuned. When someonc
eventLrally rskccl him how n-[rch hc chalged to speak. hc mrclc up a
nuniber tnd TSG was born.
Stavcr clcdits his irbilitv to blend his plactical cclucrtion with
his busiless skills as the source oI TSG's success. an ability thal
clcveloped durilg his varicd cxpeiences in cclIporaie rnd healthcare
serviccs. "My business skills help me help per,rple bc vcly plactical
and t'uncti,-rnal when solving the probletns thal thcy t'ace in lite. n,.r
natter how dccp they are." he says. While he adnits thal this is rrol
an entirely uniclue approach. it is his tlinatical encrgy that sets TSG
apitfi lroln thc cr(rwd. In fact. lreing "fanatica] about results" is at
thc core of TSC.
Regarding this potentially intinridating slogan, Staver explains.
"We wantcd to figule out ho\\,'to compel pcople to push themselves.
to hclp people create a compclling case fbr changing bchaviouls."
Instead of producing simply a positive response that encourages
people to think about changing, TSG wants its clients to be absolutel)
fanatical to ensure a malerial change. "The problem in most of our
lives is that wc have a hard time bridging the gap between our
iltentions and our behrviour-." he explains. "A lot of us \\,'zurt to do
things, but not a lot of us lrc *illing to do those tltiltgs necessary
to iichicvc lcsLrlts.' While fanaticisln nay scat-c somc, accot-cling to
Staver-the ter-m accLlrately describes the 'flavour" of the company
as a whole, like it or lump it.
SEPTE[']BIR/OCTOBEI] 2t]OB
Cuiltl, ol the tlrst. Staver fbund himscll unable to
tur-n down unrcalistic lequcsts fionr clienls to the
detrimcnt of his nental and physical health. "All ol
a sudden l'd bc flying coasr to coast forlr timcs in a
$eek." hc recalls. "l lealized thal in order to show
tllc kind of energy that contpels mc to push rnyself."
Feeling lethargic ald discouraged. Staver lislcncd
to his bocly and actccl swiftly. focusing his atrention
activities that energized hinr. To fi-gure out if
your own pcrsonal activitics have a high or low ROI.
Stavcr-uses thc lirllowilg exanrplc: 'Have you evcr
been cloing sonrething you love to do, look ar your
watch and say. Worv. l'vc been doing this tbr lwo
houLs ancl it teels like 20 nrinutes'l'Or. worse. doilg
somcthing yoLL hatc to do and l(x)k al voul-watch and
say. 'Wow. I'vc been tloing this 1br two nlinutes ond
it lccls like t\\"o ltours',)' fThe lattcr'sl burnout." The
sohLtionJ Listcn closely. ilct swittly. ancl reinvcst
enel-qy. "LI asked myseltl what iuc nty core values?
What are thc things that matter nost to me in my
lilc and am I living in aligrnent wilh thosc valuesJ I
rcalized thirt I really u'as1t't," hc says()rr the
lnslcad
of
listening to the cacophony
of
voices
dernanding his attention. Slavcr turned inwad to
discovcr his core vllucs (the same core valucs upheld
by TSG): authenticity. cxcellence. excitelnent. and
growth.
"I
do not bclieve that the corc dl who
a
persor is changes, but I do bclieve thtt rnan)' of us
are no1 in touch with the core of rvho we arc bccause
we hzrve beel conditioned or pressul-ed to becolre
lsonething elsel." he savs. "l think, tbough, that the
rvrappings. the behaviours that we do bccausc we
think rve shoulcl do them cu change at any tine. I'[]
living ploof of it. I *,cnt through a divorce in rrry 20s
because I was a jerk. I was jusl a flat out jclk i]nd my
expcricncc. nry own journey of doin-e rigorous self
inspection, complcLely changed ny life."
HEARTBUS NESSJOI]BNAt COIi]
I
I
rnorrrc
Staver recommends a few different ways that an
individual can begin to discov€r tbese core values and
begin living in alignment with them, one of which
is finding what he calls an accountability partner. "t
think you need to have at least one person in your life
that you carl sit down with every two weeks to talk
about what you're attenpting to accomplish in your
1ife. An accountability partner is a peison that you
trust enough in your life to hold you accountable for
the resultsyou are creating personally, professionally,
psychologically; it's a process that we use with all of
oul long-term clients."
ln his delivery of these tips, he is not without a sense
ot'humour: "The olher thing I'd suggest is stop getring
ready to be ready to almost get ready to be rcady to
get ready to do something. Take some action in the
direction ofthe rcsults thatyou want. Do something. If
that means joumaling and introspcction, which I think
is a phenomenally good idea, [ask yourselfl
what
are you going to do now that you've joumaled that?
What's the next step? Do you need a coach, do you
need a mentor, do you need a therapist? What do you
need? I find it much slower to try to be on a grcwth
joumey by yourself and much faster when you have
somebody who can blend both the encouragement
factor with the accountability factor," he explains.
On his own journey, Staver has had
numerous
mentors who have helped reveal his personal and
professional path. Since bith-one of his mentors
is his mother Staver has actively sought out and
learned from individuals he admircs. Whether it
be a pilot, a therapist, his mom and step-dad, or a
business associate. Staver has sunounded himself
with experts in order to learn from experience and
listen to advica. "I am huge about eating my owl]
dog food," he says, explaining, "I'm not going to be
out there as a coach or a mentor if I don't have one
Beyond all the talk, Staveris as much an expert as he is a confadictory
human being with hut feelings and anxieties. When asked to disclose
a past mistate, he candidly refers to a failed relationship: "I would not
make the mistake of believing again thatjust because somebody says
they really want to, means that they will. Maybe it's easier said that
my beliefin a person does not have any rcd influence on the decisions
that they make, except to encourage them." Atter his second marriage
ended in divorce, Staver is maybe twice bitten, thdce shy, and still
struggling to stop needing to be all thiogs to all people.
h
other areas of his life, however, he is taking control of this
need, as he plans to begin unburdening himself of the daylo day
management wories that cycle through his head. He is making
plans now to slowly pare down his cufient level of engagement
with TSG so that in l0 years he can be semi retired focusing his
attention even more sharply on high ROI activities (one of which
will be relaxing on a boat somewhere tropicall).
Until then, Stavel does dedicate sorr-te personal and professiolal
time to being still. "I think we're so fast paced in North America,
going liom one thing to another, that we're basically sleep-deprived
and living in a state of continual, low-grade exhaustion," he says. "I
think that this paca sometimes forces us not to identify and be clear
about what really is going on, and so I think that we need to leam
to be still and be present. Eleanor Roosevelt said, 'Don't just do
something, stand there."'
As words of advice there are no better for Staver. Our conversation
was rapid and managing his current work schedule (29 client-calls
each month, numerous group coaching sessions, intemational
keynote presentations) surely requires a similar pace. ln any case,
all of his close listening and swift actions have paid off; though
his journey was impefect, problematic, and initially roundabout,
Staver has certainly managed to create success and by his own-
fanatical definition.?
myself." Supported by these individuals, Staver has
switily to create his success, leaving
unfulfilling jobs, embarking on new career paths,
been able to act
and becoming an entrepreneur.
With numerous mentors, Staver has accunulated
quite the collection of words of wisdom, but it was
again those from his mother that he decided to divulge:
"who you are should neverbe iompromised.It comes
down to a principle," he explains. "I can unconditionally
love you, but I don't have to unconditionally tolerate
you. That's probably the biggest piece of advice that
I gver received. The person that you are is the person
that you are and you need to be prcud of that, but what
you do needs to be modified. That's really what we talk
about in the organizatiol'I."
50
HEAFTBUSINESSJOUBNAL.COIV
To reatl mora from this interview or listen to podcq,\t excerpts,
visit : www. H EAIlTbus ine s sj o urnal. com.
SEPTEMBER/OCTOBER 2OtJB