BY RACHEL DAVIDSON
© Copyright 2002, PIONEER DRAMA SERVICE, INC.
PERFORMANCE LICENSE
The amateur and professional acting rights to this play are controlled
by PIONEER DRAMA SERVICE, INC., P.O. Box 4267, Englewood,
Colorado 80155, without whose permission no performance, reading or
presentation of any kind may be given. On all programs and advertising
this notice must appear: “Produced by special arrangement with
Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., Englewood, Colorado.”
copying or reproducing all or any part of this book
in any manner is strictly forbidden by law.
All other rights in this play, including those of professional production,
radio broadcasting and motion picture rights, are controlled by PIONEER
DRAMA SERVICE, INC, to whom all inquiries should be addressed.
THE VILE VETERINARIAN
Or… How Much is That Doggie with the Widow?
By Rachel Davidson
A Howling Success of an Adventure
Featuring Animal Escapades Beyond Compare!
Don’t Worry—All Animals Have Been Given Shots.
Please Don’t Feed the Animals—The Actors Get Jealous!
CAST OF CHARACTERS
(In Order of Appearance)
HUGH KANDOIT���������������������������hero and animal activist
MORT GUDGE������������������������������lonely banker under financial pressure
POLLY PURINA�����������������������������positively as pure as can be
KAY NEIN��������������������������������������frisky widow with a good soul
BARBARA BLACKSHEEP�������������has she any wool?
LIZA�����������������������������������������������endearing little girl
SUZY���������������������������������������������same
CATTLE CLARE����������������������������cattlewoman of the Ol’ West
KITTY LITTER�������������������������������feisty partner of Ray Beeze
RAY BEEZE�����������������������������������evil veterinarian with a grudge
IDA GREE�������������������������������������owner of amazing schnauzer
PATTY GREE��������������������������������same
SHEILA GREE�������������������������������same
CHARLIE HORSE�������������������������fair and square stagecoach driver
APRIL MAY JUNE�������������������������opera singer with serious allergies
and a love for hats
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SYNOPSIS
This Western adventure takes place at the Nein to Five Pet Store and
Hotel in Woof Creek, Colorado.
The time is the 1880s, when miners were as wild as the animals roamin’
the streets.
SET
The lobby of the Nein to Five Pet Store and Hotel in Woof Creek,
Colorado. The hotel registration counter with a ledger, pen and five
room keys is DOWN LEFT. CENTER is the pet store counter with a
bunch of bananas behind it. A table with four chairs around it sits UP
RIGHT. EXIT LEFT leads to the hotel, EXIT RIGHT to the OUTSIDE.
UP CENTER is a working door that leads to the pet store. Each time
this door is opened, we hear a variety of ANIMAL SOUNDS. It’s a jungle
out there! Besides dogs and cats, add to the humor by adding farm
animals as well as elephants, lions, monkeys, etc.
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THE VILE VETERINARIAN
Or… How Much is That Doggie with the Widow?
Scene One
AT RISE: As POLLY PURINA dusts the hotel counter of the Woof Creek
Nein to Five Pet Store, HUGH and MORT ENTER RIGHT. As always,
MORT is wearing a dashing and eye-catching hat.
HUGH: Please, you can’t foreclose on them! They only need a little
bit more time.
MORT: I’m sorry. But it’s something I have to do. Even the bank is on
the verge of bankruptcy. (Removes hat.) I’d pass the hat for them if
I could. (Puts hat back on.)
POLLY: (Looks up from dusting.) Hugh Kandoit, is this true? Is Mort
Gudge really going to foreclose on the Nein to Five Pet Store and
Hotel? Evict Grandma Nein, our animals and me?!
HUGH: (Aside.) Polly Purina cares about everyone and everythin’.
She’s truly a princess in this little town of Woof Creek. She’s such
a blessing to her grandma, the widow Kay Nein. (To POLLY.) Don’t
worry, Polly. Mr. Gudge must be makin’ a mistake.
MORT: I never make mistakes. I’m a banker.
KAY: (ENTERS UP CENTER. We hear ANIMAL SOUNDS when the
door’s open.) What’s all the commotion around here?!
POLLY: Grandma, the world is coming apart!
KAY: What’s wrong?
POLLY: We and our animals may be evicted!
HUGH: Don’t worry, Polly. I’m here! You know that I would never let
you or an animal be put in harm’s way. (To MORT.) Can’t you wait?
MORT: I’m sorry, but you know things are terrible in town. I’m at a point
where I no longer have a loan officer. Now I always find myself a
loan. (Beat. To AUDIENCE.) Hey! That’s one of my best jokes. In
fact, one of the only jokes I have. Find myself a loan. Get it? Okay, it’s
not the best one in the show, but it’s in the script. Watch out! There
are a lot more like it. (To HUGH.) I need somebody on this property
who can pay their mortgage. Anybody!
KAY: Who would want to buy this hotel? With the gold runnin’ out and
all the miners leaving Woof Creek, business has plummeted.
HUGH: So there’s a major problem with the miners?
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POLLY: And when the military comes through, though it’s not very
often anymore, the officers leave the rooms a mess.
HUGH: So there’s a minor problem with the majors?
POLLY: Without the miners buying pets or staying in the hotel, the
Nein to Five Pet Store and Hotel has been in the doghouse. We
don’t have enough money to pay the mortgage. Now you’re saying
that Grandma Nein and I are destined to roam the streets with all of
our beloved animals.
KAY: Can’t you hold off?
MORT: I’m sorry. It’s my legal duty.
POLLY: (In tears. To HUGH.) Oh, Hugh. What can we do? We’re in
quite a stew. Boo-hoo! Boo-hoo!
HUGH: (To MORT.) Please reconsider. I’ll pay the mortgage.
MORT: How?
HUGH: I’ll give you the most valuable thing I have.
MORT: What do you have?
HUGH: My word.
MORT: That’s worth a lot, but not enough to keep my depositors happy.
HUGH: Then I’ll give you all of the money that I’ve been savin’ to buy
my own ranch.
MORT: How much is that?
HUGH: Seven dollars.
MORT: Not enough. (To KAY.) I’m sorry, Miss Nein. I’ll be back later
with the official papers. (Tips hat and EXITS RIGHT.)
POLLY: This is horrible.
HUGH: Don’t worry, Polly. Don’t stress, Miss Nein. I’ll see what I can
do. There’s a solution to every problem. (EXITS RIGHT.)
POLLY: There must be something we can do.
KAY: The only thing we can do is go on and hope for more business.
Now it’s time for me to go and feed the animals. (EXITS UP CENTER.
ANIMAL SOUNDS as door opens and closes. POLLY sits at the
table with her head in her hands, weeping about her predicament.
BARBARA BLACKSHEEP ENTERS RIGHT carrying three sacks.)
BARBARA: Hello, Miss Polly.
POLLY: (Startled, she hops up and puts on a happy face.) Why, hello,
Barbara!
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BARBARA: I finally have what you’ve been askin’ for.
POLLY: Barbara Blacksheep, have you any wool?
BARBARA: Yes, ma’am. Yes, ma’am. Three bags full! (Places bags
on floor.)
POLLY: It’s just what we have been needing. Many of our pets are
getting goose bumps at night… especially the geese. We work hard
to keep them as warm and comfortable as our valued hotel guests.
(Aside.) When we have any. (LIZA and SUZY ENTER RIGHT. LIZA
carries a gerbil. Though they are supposedly young girls, they can be
played by much older actors for extra laughs. To LIZA.) Hello, Liza.
LIZA: Hello, Miss Purina.
POLLY: Hello, Suzy.
SUZY: Hello, Miss Purina.
POLLY: It’s so wonderful to see my two favorite girls. What can I help
you with?
LIZA: (Holds the gerbil out to POLLY.) Rover, our rare Tasmanian
man-eatin’ gerbil, needs food.
SUZY: She’s a hungry aminal.
BARBARA: Are you sure you oughta be carryin’ a man-eatin’ gerbil?
LIZA: I don’t worry. I’m a girl, not a man.
POLLY: I’m sorry. We’ve run out of food for your adorable little rodent.
Just like Grandma Nein and I are about to run out of time.
BARBARA: You know what they say. “Time flies like the wind. Fruit
flies like bananas.” (Beat.)
POLLY: Wait! Gerbils like bananas, too. Bananas are quite appealing
to them. (Beat, then crosses behind pet store counter and holds up
a bunch of bananas.)
SUZY: Don’t worry. We’ll do the peelin’ for Rover.
LIZA: How many should we take, Miss Purina?
POLLY: One banana will make Rover happy.
SUZY: (Picks one banana.) How much money? We only have one
penny.
POLLY: Don’t worry, little ones. Let it be a gift from me to you.
SUZY/LIZA: Thank you, Miss Purina!
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POLLY: You run along and give Rover a nice meal filled with potassium.
(SUZY and LIZA EXIT RIGHT as POLLY puts the rest of the bananas
back behind the counter.)
BARBARA: That was awfully nice of you, Miss Polly.
POLLY: How could I take a penny from those precious children? And
you know those rare Tasmanian man-eating gerbils need food all
the time.
BARBARA: I s’pose you’re right. But speakin’ of time, what’s that you
said about runnin’ out of it? Are you and your grandma keepin’ the
hotel’s five rooms filled to capacity?
POLLY: Not at all.
BARBARA: Have you thought about havin’ a bird contest to attract
other customers?
POLLY: What could we do?
BARBARA: You could have a bird contest with no perches necessary.
(Beat.)
POLLY: I don’t know…
BARBARA: Or you might buy some of my sheep and try to sell them
for a profit.
POLLY: I don’t know about that, either. You know what they say. A
sheep owner who sells a flock for too little might be fleeced. (Beat.)
BARBARA: Things may not be as baaa-d as they seem.
POLLY: I don’t know. Today we heard that the bank may foreclose on us.
BARBARA: You may get lucky. Sometimes bankers pass the buck.
(Beat.)
CATTLE CLARE: (ENTERS RIGHT. She is a rugged cowpoke who
walks bowlegged.) Howdy, Barbara. Howdy, Polly.
POLLY: Hello, Cattle Clare. You sure are walking funny.
CATTLE CLARE: I’ve been brandin’ and I got sore calves. (Beat.)
BARBARA: This ain’t brandin’ season.
CATTLE CLARE: I know. I want all my cattle to have appropriate
identification ’cause I’m gettin’ ready to moo-ve on, if you catch my
drift.
BARBARA: (Sniffs.) You bet I catch your drift. I could smell you comin’
from a block away. (Beat.)
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POLLY: Moving on?
CATTLE CLARE: That’s right.
POLLY: But why are you leaving?
CATTLE CLARE: It just seems like the right time to have a cattle drive.
(Aside.) Don’t worry. I’ve made sure each cow has taken my driver’s
education course while I’ve been workin’ to get my own degree. (To
POLLY and BARBARA.) A cowpoke like me just gets a gut feelin’
while sittin’ round a campfire lookin’ at the mooo-n.
POLLY: Please don’t leave, Cattle Clare.
CATTLE CLARE: Now don’t have a cow, Polly. I don’t want things to
go in one ear and out the udder.
BARBARA: We’ll have a cow if you leave.
POLLY: That’s not true. If Cattle Clare leaves, we won’t have a single
cow. Not one!
CATTLE CLARE: It was a tough decision. Some don’t agree with me,
particularly Melvin. He makes me feel so guilty. I want to get him a
ring to cheer him up.
POLLY: Unfortunately, I don’t have a ring Melvin’s size. And it takes
time to get one ordered and delivered.
CATTLE CLARE: That’s a shame. It might have changed his attitude.
POLLY: Then don’t leave.
CATTLE CLARE: It’s the way of the west. Melvin has just got to accept
that, though it does pain me to hurt the guy’s feelin’s.
BARBARA: That bull is awfully special to you.
POLLY: Cattle Clare chose the best bull around.
BARBARA: She has consider-a-bull talent. (Beat.)
CATTLE CLARE: Yup. Ain’t lazy, at all.
POLLY: I know he’d never be a bulldozer. (Beat.)
CATTLE CLARE: He and I go way back. I remember buyin’ him here
at this little pet store.
POLLY: That was such a special day. And he’s so honest.
CATTLE CLARE: Doesn’t ever try to mooo-ch off of me.
POLLY: Nothing but the best for our customers. Cattle Clare, let me
order a nice ring to place within his flaring nostrils. It would only take
a few months to get here, and it would give you more time to think
about leaving.
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CATTLE CLARE: Sorry, Polly, I can’t wait. It’s a mooo-t point. I feel it in
my blood. It’s time for me and Melvin to say good-bye to both of you.
BARBARA: We’ll miss you. Will you ever come baaa—ck?
CATTLE CLARE: I doubt it, but I’ll always remember this town. (Holds
back tears.) I’ve got to go. I just hate good-byes like this. So long,
Polly. So long, Barbara. (Turns to EXIT RIGHT and calls out.) Say
good-bye, Melvin. (We hear the SOUND of a BULL. CATTLE CLARE
turns back to POLLY and BARBARA.) I hope someday we meet
again. Happy trails. (EXITS RIGHT.)
BARBARA: (Shakes head.) Another citizen gone. How does the tourist
season look this year?
POLLY: Just terrible. The miner’s are leaving. The stagecoach will
only be stopping here once a month when the train starts going
through Alpoville. No tourists, no miners, no money. Our hotel has
gone to the dogs.
BARBARA: Really?
POLLY: That’s right. We have so many abandoned dogs and other
animals. (Aside.) Oh, my! Am I being too negative? It’s not ladylike for
a heroine, you know. (To BARBARA.) It really isn’t that bad. (Aside.)
That’s much better.
BARBARA: How are you endin’ up with all them abandoned animals?
POLLY: From Hugh Kandoit. (Aside.) That handsome humanitarian
for whom, I must admit, I have fallen.
BARBARA: How often does he bring ‘em to you?
POLLY: Every day. He cares for these precious creatures of nature
as much as I do.
BARBARA: I’m surprised he’s still in town.
POLLY: He originally came here to find gold in the creek. When there
was no gold to find, he thought about leaving, but he has fallen in love
with the land and wants to become a farmer. He’s working hard to
earn money to buy his own land, build a house and create a special
home for wayward animals. (Sighs.) And he’s so kind. Every day he
comes in with an abandoned animal and asks us to take care of it
until he can buy the land.
BARBARA: Wouldn’t some people call him a dogcatcher?
POLLY: (Aside.) I’d call him an eye-catcher. (To BARBARA.) He’s much
more than a dogcatcher could ever be. He cares about all animals.
From the hurt hog to the deserted duck, he’s there for them.
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BARBARA: That’s why things must be gettin’ so tough. You must be
takin’ care of more animals than guests. Doesn’t that get expensive?
POLLY: Yes, we’re down to our last few pennies just feeding the
animals.
BARBARA: Why don’t you tell Hugh that you can’t take any more?
POLLY: We care about our little friends. (Aside.) And I care about my
big friend. (To BARBARA.) But tragedy has struck!
BARBARA: What could be a bigger tragedy than losin’ your mortgage
and bein’ down to your last few pennies?
POLLY: Many of our animals are getting fleas.
BARBARA: My sheep have a lot of fleece, too. (Beat.)
POLLY: No, I mean the little bug that causes the poor creatures to
suffer from that atrocious itching. In time, they may all go insane.
And those poor chickens!
BARBARA: The chickens?
POLLY: The fleas are giving the chickens a foul rash. (Beat.)
BARBARA: Is their anythin’ that can be done?
POLLY: If we only had a veterinarian in town. (Teary.) But why would
a qualified animal doctor ever come to a town that’s dying? (Aside.)
Oops! There I go being negative again. Please forgive me. (KAY
ENTERS UP CENTER. ANIMAL SOUNDS while door is open. KAY
carries a [stuffed] puppy in her arms.) Hello, Grandma Nein.
KAY: Hello, Polly. Are you cryin’ again, kitten?
POLLY: (Sniffs. Holds back tears.) Don’t worry, Grandma. I’ll always be
strong for you. Just like Grandpa Nein was… before he passed on.
KAY: Thank you, Polly. You’re always so positive. (POLLY smiles to
AUDIENCE. To BARBARA.) What brings you here, Barbara?
BARBARA: Just droppin’ by some of the wool you ordered.
KAY: How much do I owe you?
BARBARA: Thirty cents.
KAY: I hate to tell you this, but we don’t have the money to pay you.
Too many pets and not enough customers. We can’t accept the
wool right now.
BARBARA: That’s okay, Kay.
KAY: Why, thank you, Barbara, Barbara. (Beat.)
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BARBARA: I’ll just put it on your tab. I know you’ll pay me soon.
POLLY: Thank you for your vote of confidence.
BARBARA: You folks have never done me wrong before. (Points to
the puppy in KAY’S arms.) Who’s this little fellow?
POLLY: She’s beautiful!
KAY: She caught my eye with her little paws.
BARBARA: Ouch! That must have hurt.
KAY: No. I mean her paws were so cute! Kinda special, isn’t she? Take
a look at these little feet. (BARBARA and POLLY crowd around the
puppy and KAY. Blocked from the AUDIENCE, KAY begins “barking,”
making sounds for the puppy in her arms.)
POLLY: (Giggles.) Will you listen to this happy pup? (Bark, bark.) Isn’t
she darling?! She’s ticklish, too! (Bark.)
BARBARA: She’d make anyone smile. (Bark. ALL face AUDIENCE
again, and of course, the barking stops.)
POLLY: Oh, Grandma, can I keep her? I could use something to keep
me happy, and she’ll certainly help.
KAY: I don’t see any problem with you keepin’ her. We can just feed her
scraps. Besides, we could use a happy critter around here. (Aside.)
Until we lose our mortgage, that is.
POLLY: Thank you! I don’t want her to get any of those evil fleas in
her paws. She’d suffer the agony of da’ feet. (Beat.)
KAY: (Takes sacks.) I better get back to work. I’ll just take these sacks
in the back and give all our other little animal friends some fresh
beddin’. Thanks again, Barbara. (Begins to EXIT UP CENTER.
ANIMAL SOUNDS. To animals.) Settle down, y’all. Grandma Kay
Nein is here. (She’s OUT, closing the door behind her. ANIMAL
SOUNDS OUT.)
BARBARA: I’d better mosey on back to my work, as well. It’s shearin’
time.
POLLY: Do you enjoy it?
BARBARA: It gives me a sheep thrill. (Beat, then EXITS RIGHT.)
POLLY: (To AUDIENCE.) Look at this beautiful little puppy. Who can
doubt that she is a true symbol of hope for the Nein to Five Pet Store
and Hotel? (To puppy.) When I look into your eyes, I see a beautiful
kaleidoscope of breeds. You are as delicate as a poodle. As fast as a
greyhound. Like a St. Bernard in a raging snowstorm, you would risk
your life to save my soul. (Suddenly negative again. To AUDIENCE.)
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Oh, darn it! Why do things have to look so glum now?! Darn it! It’s
just not fair! (Brighter, to puppy.) Even though things are not going
well, darn it, you still inspire your own name. I think I’ll name you
Darnit. (To Darnit.) Come with me, Darnit. I’ll go make you a special
bed upstairs. (Takes a key from the hotel registration counter and
EXITS LEFT.)
KITTY: (ENTERS RIGHT with RAY. She carries two heavy suitcases
while RAY carries a small doctor’s bag. She sets bags down.) Why’d
we have to walk all of the way?
RAY: You know my distaste for horses. They always give me a lot of
woe. (Beat.)
KITTY: This is ridiculous. I can hardly take another step. Why didn’t
we just take the stagecoach?
RAY: Because we’re totally out of money. And it looks like there’s
nothing in this rat hole they call a town.
KITTY: What did you expect to find? (Pulls book out of bag.) This
Fodor’s tourist book is almost five years old! So what do we do now?
(Puts book back.)
RAY: We’ll stay here for the night…
KITTY: (Laughs. Sarcastic.) …just happen to forget to pay…
RAY: (Laughs.) …and move on. We’ll get some easy money by
swindling some well-to-do rancher in the next town.
POLLY: (ENTERS LEFT.) Can I help you?
RAY: (Aside.) I believe I have struck it rich! Rich in beauty! (To POLLY.)
Let me introduce myself. My name is Ray Beeze. You may notice
that I am strong, handsome and modest. (KITTY clears throat.) Oh,
and don’t let me forget my assistant, Miss Kitty Litter.
POLLY: I’m Polly Purina. I maintain a wholesome environment for both
animals and humans here at Woof Creek.
RAY: We need two rooms for the night.
POLLY: That can certainly be arranged. You can have rooms four
and five.
RAY: I notice that you also have a pet store. I find that quite interesting.
POLLY: Really? What line of business are you in, Mr. Beeze?
RAY: (Aside.) Here’s my chance to impress this animal lover. (To
POLLY. Holds up doctor’s bag.) I am a doctor. A veterinarian, in fact.
And Miss Litter is my capable nurse.
POLLY: Veterinarian?! How wonderful!
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RAY: (Aside.) Just the response I was hoping for! I undoubtedly have
won her over with my supposed compassionate profession, along
with my incredible looks and obvious intelligence.
POLLY: I cannot tell you how much I need you!
RAY: (Aside.) Even better than I expected! (To POLLY.) I’m here for you.
KITTY: (To POLLY.) You need him?
POLLY: Yes. Our cats, dogs, pigs, frogs, hamsters, antelope, elk, sheep
and other animals are suffering from some type of flea epidemic.
You’re just the man I’ve been waiting for. Is there anything you can
do?
RAY: Of course. I’d do anything for you.
POLLY: Anything?
KITTY: Anything?
RAY: Anything.
POLLY: Will you give each animal a checkup?
RAY: Of course.
KITTY: You will?
POLLY: I can’t wait to tell Grandma Nein! I’ll be right back. (Opens
UP CENTER door. ANIMAL SOUNDS. Calls out.) Grandma Nein, I
have good news! (EXITS and closes door. ANIMAL SOUNDS OUT.)
KITTY: Have you lost your mind?! You’re going to look at all of those
animals? For fleas?!
RAY: Egad! You’re right. I didn’t know what I was doing! I hate animals!
(Aside.) My mind was focused on that engaging lass.
KITTY: You despise them!
RAY: I deplore them!
KITTY: Which, you have to admit, is somewhat unusual for a
veterinarian.
RAY: (Very dramatic.) Everything was fine until that one horrible day.
Finals at the Rin Tin Tin School of Veterinary Medicine. We normally
would experiment on dogs called laboratory retrievers. However,
during finals, they assigned me the task of removing the tonsils from
Mildred, an invaluable milk cow. As I was starting her surgery, I was
attacked by that horrible beast.
KITTY: Those things happen all of the time. You know young animal
doctors are vet behind the ears. (Beat.)
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RAY: I was still in control until that cow put her disgusting, slobbery
mouth over my head! (Pulls off hat and points to head.) She bit me!
KITTY: What?! How could a cow bite you? They don’t have teeth.
RAY: It wasn’t a bite, but it was the worst cowlick in history. (Points to
hair.) Look—I still have it!
KITTY: (Smoothes his hair.) And you’re still wet behind the ears.
RAY: (Puts hat back on.) The bitter cow suddenly began to give foul
milk. I lost everything I had in the lawsuit.
KITTY: It seems so ridiculous. How could you lose a case like that?
RAY: You know those lawyers representing an angry cow. For them it’s
sour milk in a dairy case. (Aside.) Get it? Sour milk… dairy case…
KITTY: (To RAY.) Lawyers make me gag. I know if a lawyer speaks for
too long there will be an extended sentence. (Beat.)
RAY: Old lawyers never die. They just lose their appeal. (Another.)
KITTY: If a lawyer can be disbarred, can a musician be denoted?
(And again.)
RAY: Lawyers always wear law suits. (Aside.) Okay, I know… enough
about lawyers.
KITTY: (To RAY.) It’s time you get over it, Ray.
RAY: You’re right. But it will take making lots of money. Not only to
compensate me for all of the money I paid to that vet school without
even graduating, but also to get back the dollars I lost in the cow
lawsuit.
POLLY: (OFFSTAGE. To KAY.) He’s right out here, Grandma.
RAY: I can’t face her grandma or any other animals!
KITTY: Quick! Let’s just get out of here! Out of this town!
RAY: I’m too tired to go far. (Aside.) And too struck with that sweet girl’s
beauty! (RAY and KITTY EXIT RIGHT, leaving their bags behind,
as POLLY and KAY ENTER UP CENTER. ANIMAL SOUNDS while
door is open.)
POLLY: Dr. Beeze, I’d like you to meet…. (Looks around.) I wonder
where they went. They were here just a few seconds ago. Their
bags are still here.
KAY: Maybe they went upstairs to take a look at the rooms.
POLLY: I’ll go look. It will also be a good time to give my puppy a cuddle.
(EXITS LEFT. IDA GREE, SHEILA GREE and PATTY GREE ENTER
RIGHT. IDA carries Rouser, the amazing [stuffed] schnauzer.)
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IDA: I hope little Rouser is going to be okay. She looks terrible.
PATTY: If only the stagecoach ride hadn’t been so rough.
SHEILA: Our poor doggie might be stagecoach sick.
IDA: I just hope this ailment isn’t long-lasting. We must get to San
Francisco for her premiere in the Wild West Show.
PATTY: It seems like it will take 200 years to get there.
SHEILA: By that time, Buffalo Bill will be having a bison-tennial. (Beat.)
KAY: Howdy! Welcome to the Nein to Five Pet Store and Hotel. Can
I help you?
PATTY: We need a room.
KAY: (Excited.) I think we can manage that. Step over here to the
hotel counter. (Crosses LEFT to counter. Looks at slate.) How many
rooms would you like?
IDA: One will be fine.
KAY: One for all of you?
SHEILA: We always stick together.
KAY: And you are?
IDA: Ida Gree.
SHEILA: Sheila Gree.
PATTY: Patty Gree.
IDA/SHEILA/PATTY: (A stylized presentation that has obviously been
rehearsed ad naseum.) And this is Rouser, the amazing schnauzer,
and we, of course, are the Gree Sisters. Ta-da!
KAY: I’m sure we can fit you all in. We also might be able to find a
“flea-less” space in our pet store for Rouser.
PATTY: Oh, no! You’re looking at a priceless dog. She doesn’t leave
our sight.
KAY: What makes her so priceless?
IDA: We’ve trained her for years to be part of our act. She does some
amazing tricks.
KAY: I once saw a pig who could do karate.
PATTY: Really?
KAY: Yes. She had a terrific pork chop. (Beat.) What can your dog do?
IDA: Watch! (Takes Rouser and puts him on the floor. To Rouser.)
Rouser! Roll over. (Of course, nothing happens.) Rouser, jump!
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(Another pause.) Rouser, do a double axle triple flip with a one-anda-half triple somersault! (To SISTERS.) Oh, no! Could this be more
serious than we thought?! (Picks up Rouser.)
KAY: I’m sure things will get better. Just sign the ledger, and we’ll put
you all in room one. (IDA signs the ledger and takes the key from
KAY.)
CHARLIE: (A rugged stagecoach driver, ENTERS RIGHT, assisting
APRIL MAY JUNE, a snooty opera singer.) One step at a time, Miss
June.
APRIL: (Sneezes.) Ah-choo! (Begins to itch.)
CHARLIE: We’ll just get you into a room, and you’ll be just fine after
you relax a bit.
APRIL: (Points to Rouser.) That hideous thing makes me sneeze and
itch, and it gets hair all over my hats. Why did I have to travel with
these wacky ladies and that atrocious beast?
IDA: We’re wondering the same thing about you.
APRIL: (Sneezes. Continues to itch.) Ah-choo! How dare you say such
a thing? Don’t you realize that you are talking to April May June,
noted opera singer and hat connoisseur?
PATTY: We wish you would sing solo… so low we couldn’t hear you.
(Beat.)
SHEILA: Or tenor… ten or twelve miles from here. (Another.)
APRIL: You obviously don’t know true art. (Straightens hat carefully
and sings long note. Darnit can be heard howling from OFF RIGHT.
APRIL stops singing. Darnit continues to howl.)
POLLY’S VOICE: (From OFFSTAGE. Yells over howling.) Settle down,
Darnit! (Darnit stops howling.)
KAY: (Aside.) My, the pressure’s really gettin’ to Polly. I’ve never heard
her talk that way to an animal before.
PATTY: I don’t think we need to say anything more about your singing.
I think the evidence howls for itself.
IDA: If your mouth was any bigger, you could sing duets.
APRIL: I resent that! (Sneezes.) Ah-choo!
CHARLIE: Now settle down, ladies. I heard enough of this durin’ the
ride here. (To APRIL.) Miss April, you gotta understand that my
stagecoach company allows any payin’ folk to bring their pets with
’em.
SISTERS: Hah!
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CHARLIE: (To SISTERS.) But I also expect polite and courteous
passengers all ’round.
APRIL: Hah! (Pause. Sneezes.) Choo! (HUGH KANDOIT ENTERS
RIGHT. He has a large snake around his neck. APRIL screams.)
Ahhhhhhhhhh!
IDA: (Rolls eyes.) Not that singing again!
APRIL: There’s a snake around his neck! (ALL except KAY move far
away.)
HUGH: (Aside.) It’s only a little anaconda.
POLLY’S VOICE: (From OFFSTAGE.) Hugh, is that you?
HUGH: Polly!
POLLY: (ENTERS LEFT without Darnit. Rushes to HUGH, totally
ignoring the snake.) Oh, Hugh! It’s wonderful to see you!
APRIL: Watch out! Can’t you see that it’s a snake?!
POLLY: I am never afraid when Hugh is nearby. (Aside.) And besides,
I think the snake looks nice with the rest of his western attire.
HUGH: Don’t worry. I have everythin’ under control. (Aside.) Though
my heart beats out of control when I’m near her.
POLLY: (To HUGH.) How can I feel afraid when you are here?
HUGH: Thank you, Polly.
POLLY: You’re welcome, Hugh. (Aside.) Welcome to say any words
to me.
HUGH: You’re mighty kind. (Aside.) Kind enough to hold her hand in
mine.
POLLY: Thank you, Hugh. I appreciate the compliment. (Aside.) And
I appreciate his existence.
HUGH: You’re welcome, Polly. Your words are so sweet. (Aside.) As
sweet as her lips must be.
POLLY: Thank you, Hugh.
HUGH: You’re wel—
CHARLIE: (Interrupts.) I take it you two know one another!
POLLY: (Giggles demurely.) Yes, we do. Folks, I’d like you to meet
Hugh Kandoit, cowpoke and animal rights advocate.
HUGH: Howdy, y’all. Don’t be alarmed by this little snake.
IDA: We just want to be assured that Rouser is safe.
KAY: (Points to dog. To HUGH and POLLY.) The amazin’ schnauzer.
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HUGH: Don’t worry. (Indicates snake.) I’m just droppin’ this fella off
so he can have a home. I found him wanderin’ ’round that cave out
back. He was lost and disoriented. Must have been a pet of one
of the miners who left town. (To snake. Baby talk.) You sure did
get dirty, probably from slitherin’ aimlessly through the cave, pretty
slimey mimey. (Hugs snake.) It must have been awfully lonely out
there without a home. Poor little baby.
POLLY: He was so lucky you found him. You’re so kind.
HUGH: Shucks, Polly. It’s nothin’ nobody wouldn’t have done for an
anaconda.
ALL: Anaconda?!
HUGH: I guess some people love interestin’ pets.
KAY: (Points to pet store counter.) Just set him on the counter. I’ll give
him a nice warm bath and fix him a cozy spot in the back. (HUGH
sets snake on pet store counter.)
APRIL: You’re just going to leave him there?
IDA: Doesn’t seem real safe for Rouser, the amazing schnauzer.
(Aside.) Ta-da!
HUGH: Don’t worry. I had a talk with him before we came in. Told him
he’d better behave himself, or I’d tie him up in a knot and stick him
in a corner. I know it sounds harsh, but some snakes need more
house training than others.
KAY: Thank you, Hugh.
HUGH: Looks like business is pickin’ up for you, Polly! I guess I’ll head
on back to Farmer Mongrel’s farm. (Whispers to POLLY.) I’m workin’
hard to earn every penny I can for you. We’ll get the money to pay
the mortgage.
POLLY: What are you doing for Farmer Mongrel?
HUGH: I’m settin’ up a new place for his pigs.
KAY: I heard that many of his pigs are losing their voices and are
becoming disgruntled. (Beat.)
HUGH: I hate to admit it, but some pigs can be impolite.
PATTY: Do some even tattle tale?
HUGH: Yup. Some can be real squealers. (Beat.) But the important
thing is that these animals need a new home. And if any animal, big
or small, needs a hand, my hand is there to hold, scratch or lick. So
long, dear Polly.
POLLY: I’ll miss you, Hugh.
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HUGH: Yoo-hoo, to you, too. (EXITS LEFT. POLLY lets out a deep sigh.)
KAY: (To POLLY.) Sometimes I get the feelin’ Hugh likes you and you
like Hugh, too. Oh, you two!
POLLY: Oh, Grandma! You’re going to make me blush! We’re just
good friends.
CHARLIE: (To KAY.) Don’t mean to interrupt, but I’d like to check in.
KAY: I’m sure we can do that for you. And you are?
CHARLIE: Charlie Horse.
KAY: Sign in, please. (He signs ledger. KAY hands key to CHARLIE.)
You can take room two.
CHARLIE: Sounds great. I could use a quiet night’s sleep. (Looks at
APRIL and SISTERS.) Just gettin’ any quiet would be great.
APRIL: I need a room, too.
KAY: I think we can give you room three. (Looks for key.) Hmmmmm.
I can’t find the key. Where could it be?
POLLY: (To KAY.) Darnit. I gave the room to her.
KAY: Who?
POLLY: Darnit.
KAY: (Aside.) Poor Polly must be distressed about our situation. She
never has spoken to me like that before. I’ll talk to her later when
there ain’t so many people around. (To APRIL.) I’m sorry, ma’am. It
looks like room three is taken.
APRIL: What about your other rooms?
KAY: You can have room four.
POLLY: I’m sorry, but I’ve already promised rooms four and five to Dr.
Beeze and his capable assistant.
KAY: Were they upstairs?
POLLY: No. But I’m sure they’ll be back.
APRIL: (Desperate.) What about room three? Who’s in room three?
POLLY: (To APRIL.) Darnit. I think you’d like her.
APRIL: Okay! Okay! You don’t have to snap at me. I’ll take it! I’m so
desperate, I’ll share the room with her… whoever she is. And tell
her I’ll pay the entire bill if she gives me the bed and total use of the
mirror. (Straightens hat.)
POLLY: Don’t worry. She likes to sleep on the floor in a box.
SHEILA: In a box?
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PATTY: She must get awfully uncomfortable.
POLLY: It’s not that bad. I give her something to chew on. (To APRIL.)
Sign the ledger, please. (APRIL signs ledger. POLLY pulls key from
pocket.) Here’s the key.
APRIL: Why do you have the key?
POLLY: Darnit. She had it in her teeth but kept on dropping it.
APRIL: This girl sounds awfully strange.
POLLY: Darnit? She’s a dog.
APRIL: I don’t care what she looks like. I just want her to be warm
and friendly.
POLLY: Don’t worry. She’s certainly that.
APRIL: (Takes key from POLLY. To CHARLIE.) Please bring my hat
boxes up to my room.
CHARLIE: I’ll unload the stagecoach after I take a little walk. I need
to stretch my legs a bit. I feel a cramp comin’ on. (EXITS RIGHT.
APRIL EXITS LEFT.)
IDA: (Sets Rouser on floor.) Come on, Rouser. Let’s go on up to our
room.
SHEILA: (To Rouser. Whistles.) Come here, Rouser. Come to Sheila.
(Of course, Rouser does not respond.)
PATTY: This is horrible. This is worse than we thought. She always
comes when she is called. Rouser needs help. Is there a veterinarian
in this town?
KAY: I’m sorry. I wish there were.
POLLY: Grandma, that’s why I wanted you to meet Dr. Beeze. He’s
no ordinary doctor! He’s a veterinarian!
IDA: He needs to see Rouser as soon as possible. (Picks up Rouser.)
This doggie is in a daze.
PATTY: I hope it’s not the dreaded dog daze of summer! (Beat.)
POLLY: (To SISTERS.) Why don’t you take Rouser upstairs for a rest?
I’ll let you know immediately when Dr. Beeze and Nurse Litter return.
Here’s the key to room one. (Points to LEFT.) Your room is up the
stairs and to the left.
PATTY: Let’s go, Rouser. (PATTY, SHEILA and IDA EXIT LEFT,
carrying Rouser.)
POLLY: I was only around Dr. Beeze for a few moments, but I am sure
he is a skilled man who loves his profession.
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KAY: I guess we can’t do much until they get back. I’ll go warm up
some bath water for the snake. Hugh sure seems to love him. Let’s
name him “Hugs.”
POLLY: What a wonderful name!
KAY: (To snake.) Stay put, Hugs. (EXITS UP CENTER. Of course, we
hear the ANIMAL SOUNDS when the door’s open.)
POLLY: (To snake.) You deserve nothing but the best. I’ll run upstairs
and get some bath crystals to soften your skin, Hugs. (EXITS LEFT.)
RAY: (ENTERS RIGHT with KITTY.) I could spot that dog a mile away!
KITTY: (Cat-like.) I can spot any dog a mile away.
RAY: It was Rouser!
KITTY: The amazing schnauzer?!
KITTY/RAY: (Aside.) Ta-da!
RAY: (To KITTY.) This could be the break we’ve been looking for.
KITTY: I’ll never forget seeing that mutt in St. Louis. She’s worth a
fortune.
RAY: With that dog, the Gree sisters have become filthy rich.
Undoubtedly they have money, money, money! Ha! Ha! Ha! I heard
that fur ball has been invited to be in Buffalo Bill’s Wild West Show.
We’re talking thousands of dollars... dollars that you and I have
been waiting for!
KITTY: (Sees Hugs on counter.) Ray, the snake!
RAY: Now, now. Compliments are not necessary.
KITTY: (Points to Hugs.) No! A different kind of snake!
RAY: (Walks towards Hugs.) Nothing to be afraid of. It’s not even
moving. Obviously dead.
KITTY: (Curiously observes Hugs.) For a dead snake, it sure has a
happy smile on its face!
RAY: Hmmmm. With my animal background, I can tell that this is an
anaconda. How strange. What’s an anaconda doing here? (Looks
more closely at Hugs.) Dusted in gold!
KITTY: (Jumps back.) Did you say anaconda?!
RAY: (Takes an even closer look at Hugs.) Yes, but I also said gold!
It’s real gold, in fine-powder form!
KITTY: How do you know it’s real gold?
RAY: When you have filled as many canine cavities as I have, you
know it’s gold!
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KITTY: How come you didn’t take any gold from their teeth?
RAY: Unfortunately, in school, I always had to give those ghastly
animals the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth. (Beat. Refers to
snake.) But if we can find out where this slimeball has been slithering,
we have the chance to be rich forever!
POLLY: (ENTERS LEFT carrying bath crystals.) You’re back!
RAY: Just decided to take a little walk.
KITTY: (Primps almost like a cat, smoothing hair, stretching, etc.)
Freshen up.
RAY: While we were taking our stroll, we just happened to see a
charming little pup being carried from the stagecoach.
POLLY: That isn’t just an ordinary dog. It’s Rouser, the amazing
schnauzer.
POLLY/KITTY/RAY: (Aside.) Ta-da!
POLLY: (To RAY and KITTY.) She’s here with the Gree sisters.
KITTY: What brings all of them to Woof Creek?
POLLY: A stagecoach.
RAY: Why are they here?
POLLY: They were traveling to Buffalo Bill’s Wild West Show when
the poor dog went into a state of shock.
KITTY: I thought this was the state of Colorado.
RAY: You’re telling us that the dog is actually here in the hotel?
POLLY: Yes, she is upstairs, practically barking out for your professional
assistance.
RAY: I suppose we could take a look at her.
POLLY: That’s wonderful! I was so hoping that’s what you would say.
(Calls LEFT.) Ida! Sheila! Patty! Rouser! Hurry on down! (To RAY
and KITTY.) I’m so glad you’re here. (IDA, holding Rouser, SHEILA
and PATTY ENTER LEFT.) I’d like to introduce you three to the one
and only Dr. Ray Beeze, veterinarian, and his faithful assistant,
Nurse Kitty Litter.
IDA: How do you do? I’m Ida Gree!
SHEILA: Sheila Gree!
PATTY: Patty Gree!
IDA/SHEILA/PATTY: (The routine again.) And this is Rouser, the
amazing schnauzer, and we, of course, are the Gree Sisters. Ta-da!
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RAY: It’s a pleasure to meet you all. (Turns towards the AUDIENCE
and sarcastically chokes himself.)
APRIL: (ENTERS LEFT with a torn up hat, carrying Darnit. Yells.) What
in the world is this thing doing in my room? Ah-choo! Not only does
she make me sneeze, she started chewing on my favorite bonnet.
KAY: (ENTERS UP CENTER with HUGH. There are NO ANIMAL
SOUNDS.) Can you keep it down out here?
POLLY: Why are the animals so quiet, Grandma?
KAY: They’re all takin’ their afternoon nap. They fell asleep while I was
gettin’ the bath ready for Hugs. Must have been the gentle sound of
Hugh pumpin’ the water out back.
POLLY: (To HUGH.) Why didn’t you go back to Farmer Mongrel’s farm?
HUGH: I was about to. But while I was gettin’ some water for my
horse, Grandma Nein came out. Just couldn’t let her do all the work
preparin’ for the snake’s bath.
POLLY: You never cease to amaze me! I hope it’s okay… we decided
to name your snake Hugs.
HUGH: That’s a fine name, Polly. You know I always let you name the
animals I bring by here.
RAY: You’re going to bathe a dead snake?
HUGH: (Walks over and pets Hugs.) Please watch what you say. You
may hurt his feelin’s. (To Hugs.) He didn’t mean to be harsh, Hugs.
RAY: You mean, the snake is actually alive? Where did you find him?
HUGH: The cave out back.
RAY: A cave! (Aside.) A cave filled with gold! (To HUGH.) Does anyone
have a claim to the land in the back?
KAY: It’s our land. We’re hopin’ to build a playground for the animals.
CHARLIE: (ENTERS RIGHT carrying hat boxes. Notices APRIL holding
Darnit and is offended.) If you can carry a dog, you can carry your
own hats. (Drops hat boxes in front of APRIL.)
APRIL: (Hands Darnit to CHARLIE.) If you won’t carry these boxes,
then you can hold this thing.
MORT: (ENTERS RIGHT carrying papers.) Kay Nein, I must now hand
over your eviction notice.
ALL: Eviction notice?!
KAY: I knew this day would come sooner or later.
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MORT: I was only here a few minutes ago.
IDA: Where can we stay?
PATTY: What can we do?
SHEILA: Where will Rouser sleep?
APRIL: (To CHARLIE.) Why don’t we just move on to the next town?
PATTY: So we’ll be leaving?
CHARLIE: I suppose we’ll have to since we don’t have a place to stay.
APRIL: I’d agree.
IDA: Yes?
RAY: What, may I ask, is happening?
MORT: I have to foreclose on Miss Nein and Polly. They haven’t been
paying their mortgage. (Hands papers to KAY.) I’m sorry. I just can’t
wait any longer. You and your animals will have to leave in three days.
RAY: (To MORT.) If I was to help these kind people raise the money,
would you consider not foreclosing?
MORT: Well…
IDA: Please, sir.
PATTY: We can’t leave with our Rouser in this ailing state.
SHEILA: She needs love and care. We fear the travel would be too
hard on her.
POLLY: I’d agree.
IDA: Yes?
MORT: (Pause.) I don’t know…
HUGH: (To RAY, full of distrust.) What could you do?
RAY: I am a man of integrity who not only helps animals, but people.
(Aside.) And myself.
HUGH: (Aside.) There’s somethin’ about him that I don’t like, but he
just might be able to help.
RAY: (Points to Rouser.) As a qualified veterinarian, I can make this
dog heal.
SISTERS: Hooray!
RAY: I also have a miraculous remedy to battle fleas.
KAY: It’s a voice from heaven!
RAY: I can also loan Kay Nein the money needed to pay off the
mortgage.
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MORT: How?
RAY: By setting up my own practice. I know the perfect spot.
KAY: Where?
RAY: Here. (To KAY and POLLY.) Give me another room for my
examining room. We will not only pay you a small rent, but also
loan you the money to pay off the mortgage… for a small interest,
of course.
POLLY: I’ve given you both rooms. But you still need the examination
room.
APRIL: (All eyes turn to her. Pause.) This is an outrage! You mean I’m
going to not only sleep with a dog (Points to Darnit.) but also share
my room with a veterinarian?
KITTY: (Selfish.) Who said share?
POLLY: Don’t worry, Miss June. We still have the broom closet in back.
It’s small, but always clean. In fact, we’ve kept the fleas out of it.
(Walks over and takes Darnit from CHARLIE. To KITTY.) Nurse Kitty,
could you please share your room with my dog, Darnit?
KITTY: (Aside.) She seems awfully pushy. But I don’t want to ruffle
her feathers by putting her in her place. (To POLLY. Takes Darnit.)
Of course not. (To Darnit.) Hello, honey.
RAY: (Goes to POLLY and puts his arm around her.) Don’t worry, dear.
Everything will turn out just fine.
HUGH: (Removes RAY’S arm from POLLY.) Excuse me, sir. Your job
is to take care of the animals. My job is to take care of Polly
RAY: (Aside.) Before all of this is over, I’ll take care of him. (To HUGH.)
I expect respect or I’ll have to move on.
POLLY: Please, Hugh. The hours are few. And we’re in deep doggiedoo. (Aside.) I’m terribly embarrassed. I sincerely apologize for the
offensive language. (To HUGH.) I’m sure he didn’t mean anything by
it. (Aside.) I just hope that Hugh meant everything he said!
HUGH: I guess I’m sorry... sort of.
RAY: Apology accepted.
MORT: (To RAY.) Then you could see Teller.
RAY: Who’s Teller?
MORT: My cat. It’s the cat’s meow.
KAY: The cat’s pretty, but I wouldn’t go that far.
MORT: No, I mean she has an infection of the vocal cords. She’s lost
her voice!
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HUGH: Like Farmer Mongrel’s pigs!
APRIL: Oh, how terrible!
MORT: Yes. She can’t meow. She’s made a sick bed out of my favorite
cap, and I don’t have the heart to kick her out.
APRIL: (Aside.) I’ve never met a man with such accent and
articulation… and a passion for hats!
RAY: Okay, then. I’ll see the cat in the hat. But keep her in the hat.
(Aside.) I don’t want to touch that thing.
MORT: I appreciate it. She’s my only friend left in Woof Creek.
APRIL: (Aside.) My heart goes out to that lonely man and his voiceless
cat—one of the only animals I’m not allergic to!
RAY: (To MORT.) Feel free… (Aside.) Actually, things are never free
with me! (Continues.) …to bring in your feline. (Aside.) Though I’ll
never keep my fee in line! (Continues to MORT.) I look forward to
working out the mortgage.
MORT: (Shakes RAY’S hand.) Dr. Beeze, welcome to Woof Creek.
RAY: Then it’s settled. I’m ready to start my Woof Creek veterinary
practice! (Evil laugh.)
End of Scene One
Scene Two
LIGHTS UP: The following day. RAY and KITTY are in the lobby. They
might wear medical smocks over their regular clothes.
RAY: Ah, Kitty. Our scheme is falling into place.
KITTY: A brilliant scheme at that!
RAY: First we kidnap Rouser and hold her for a healthy ransom.
KITTY: Then we use the ransom money to buy this property, including
the gold-filled cave.
RAY: Then we’ll be rich… rich… rich! And nobody can say our plot is
dirty!
KITTY: Why not?
RAY: I’m a clean thief. I always make a stainless steal. (Beat.)
KITTY: The examination room looks purr-r-r-fect.
RAY: Great. What did you do with Polly’s pesky yapper?
End of Script
23 Sample.
PRODUCTION NOTES
PROPERTIES
ONSTAGE: Table with four chairs, pet store counter with a bunch of
bananas, hotel counter with ledger, pen and five room keys.
BROUGHT ON, Scene One: Duster, package of “bath crystals,” key
(POLLY); three sacks (BARBARA); “gerbil” (LIZA), stuffed dog “Darnit”
(KAY); stuffed dog “Rouser” (IDA); “snake” (HUGH); two suitcases, book
(KITTY); doctor’s bag (RAY); torn up hat (APRIL); papers (MORT); hat
boxes (CHARLIE).
BROUGHT ON, Scene Two: “Gerbil” (LIZA); “snake” (KAY); stuffed dog
“Rouser” (IDA); stuffed dog “Darnit,” leash for “Darnit” (KITTY); paper
for ransom note (RAY); papers, stuffed cat “Teller” in hat (MORT); letter
in envelope (CHARLIE).
COSTUMES
All characters wear standard melodrama western wear. For instance,
RAY should have a black hat and cape. HUGH, if possible, should be
dressed in white, including his hat. KITTY should be in a somewhat
tasteless dress. MORT and APRIL always wear eye-catching hats. For
their final entrance, MORT and APRIL each sport a stylish new hat. In
Scene Two, KITTY and RAY may don white medical smocks over their
other clothing, though this is strictly optional.
FLEXIBLE CASTING
For a more balanced cast, CATTLE CLARE can become CATTLE
CLARK and SUZY and LIZA can become STEVIE and LARRY.
PACING AND JOKES
The dialogue should be fast-paced and delivered with high energy. At
the same time, however, actors on stage shouldn’t be afraid to interrupt
the dialogue and speak directly to the audience if they are not reacting
and interacting properly for a melodrama. Also, you don’t want the
delivery to be so briskly paced that the jokes and puns go by unnoticed.
In the script, most of the puns are followed by the stage direction “Beat”
to remind actors to leave time for the humor to sink in and the audience
to react. Again, if the audience doesn’t “get it,” an actor might want to
point it out to them and deliver the line again.
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ABOUT THE ANIMALS
The humor of the ANIMAL SOUNDS from the UP CENTER EXIT is that
they should come from OFFSTAGE ACTORS and not be prerecorded.
Of course, the more varied and ridiculous the animal sounds are (such
as elephants, lions, monkeys, etc.), the bigger the laughs.
The NOISES from the ONSTAGE stuffed animals should be made by
actors onstage, preferably either the person holding the stuffed animal
or someone in the same proximity. Naturally, the animal’s actions are
controlled by the person holding the stuffed animal. This will take some
practice to get the look right. It might help if the actor “narrates” what’s
happening, such as, “Darnit, why are you pulling me across the room
toward that evil man?” The humor does not come from making the
actions truly believable for the audience, but from the sincerity of the
characters onstage.
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The Vile Veterinarian
Basic Floor Plan
Stage Right
Exit to
Outside
Table w/
Chairs
Door Exit
Up Center
to Animals
Pet Store
Counter
Hotel Counter
Stage Left
Exit to
Hotel Rooms
For preview only
43
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like advice on other plays or musicals to read, our customer
service representatives are happy to assist you when you call
800.333.7262 during normal business hours.
www.pioneerdrama.com
800.333.7262
Outside of North America 303.779.4035
Fax 303.779.4315
PO Box 4267
Englewood, CO 80155-4267
We’re here to help!