• Greenwich Time, Friday, Febeuary 5. 1988 - A 1 t.
Problems arise when parents ·come home to roost --------
By ~ulia GargiulO
")
_ _7
<••
~
With morePeople in their 80s and 90s
fa ccd with fe ....er options because of the
lIational housing shortage and the sinking
dClllar, more families are, once again, be­
wming e~tended households. Grandpar­
ents are moving into or close to the homes
uf their middle·ag~d children, and they
arc becoming increasingly dependent on
these children for various kinds of sup­
port.
The shortag~ and high cost of nUl~ing
lIu'lles and residenlial facilities has added
10 Iilis reunion of the generations. In II
prc,ious day. the presence of grandpar­
Cllts in onc's household was not even
!'''Icd. hilt lod.J \'s reconsliluted house­
holds <ho....· Ihat 'ronnicts are laking their
luil,", both generations. As a clinical S()o
cial worker. in buth puhlic and private
practice. I would like to ofTer some possi­
ble e'planations for this new kind of gen­
er~ti()n gap.
Oil the part of our elderly. many of
their conniets have to do with their hav­
ing heer. survivors of some dimwit times.
'1he~ ""ere adults with children during the
Depres<ion years. and many of them had
kft their European villages as young pe()o
pic. often a's teen-agers. In a strange new
lalld . they had to act as surrogate parents
10 thcm<elves and. frequently, to younger
sinling.~ entrusted to them by harsh cir­
llllllstances. Sharing themsei"es and their
sal:lries with famil ), . either here or
ahroad, ""as not an uncommon e~peri­
ence. and it was one that was not often
questioned.
Their own childhood e~perience has
orten been that of children who !Vere
"seen and nnt heard:' A "proper" up­
h, illging at the tum of the century, espe­
ciall~ in Europe. meant unquestioning
wllfonnity to the wishes of one's elders
iJnd other authority ligure~. The work of
S" iss psychoanalyst Alice Miller docu­
ments the painful emotional conse­
quences of such an upbringing.
L~a vi ng their homes as teen-agers cut
niT the possibilities for negotiating that
adulthood can bring to relationships with
Greenwich lime
:; BOAR6' OF;~'8mRI~ufoRS
ft ,: ~i .. ... ~:; - >;, ':~' ;~"';';::-~":(}'{ :~. _~ ><i. - .: " :jo~,:._.
one's parents. On a deeper level. that
meant that the ambivalences oflove and
hate that we all e~perience with our par­
ents were never allowed to he absorbed by
the daily gi\·e-and·take or Ii ving together.
Consequenlly. many of our elderly are
imbued with the notion that parents are
not to be que~tioned . no mailer how
wrong they may be about their owo
health or safety . They are frequently
headstrong hecnuse of having li\'ed such
dimcult. self-reliant lives, and they are
not used to negotiating with their adult
children.
They are also angry that the Ameri­
can dream, so long and hard to r~.alize,
seems to be elluding them now as their
Social Security and 53"ings are worth less
and less.
As for the middle·aged adult children
of these elderly. this generation has had
an e~perience from childhood cf cultural
diversity, even within the rigidities of
sillaller ethnic groups. Such an e~perience
of alternate points of "iew has meant that
...
the confonnil), frequently expected of
them hy their agi ng parents creates con­
nicts for them . Frequently, these nonnal·
Iy .... ell-functioning adults are reduced to
ton~e-tied youngsters in the presence of
theIr aged parents and are at a loss to
understand ..... hy. They find themselves
""racked "'ith guilt wl,en the pressures of
their lives clash ..... ith their parents' expec­
tations. Under that guilt one usually finds
a history of anger at the emotional dis­
tancing of the parents. an anger re·dire:t­
ed at the self because it never had an
outlet.
Also_as aging parents become r.lOre
dependent. and the roles reverse them­
selves . there is a concomitant sense of loss
!
at no longer having parents one can count
on. If this is combined with the loss or.
spouse through divorce - an increasing­
ly common situation - or the sickness or
a spouse, the new parenting required of
these adults can become overwhelming.
Feelings of anger at not being understood
or appreciated, or rrustra:ion at having to
juggle work and home schedules while
tending to the growing needs ofaging par­
ents ~ such reelings can often become
the ingredients of depression.
Many adults are amazed to discover,
in counseling. that unresolved issues from
their childhood return in a new guise, as it
were. as their parents prepare to face their
deaths. Otherwise competent adults find
themselves. at such a time. becoming the
compliant children or long ago. suddenly
shaken by the grufT sound of a judgmental
voice. or wOl!nded 10 the quick by the
mere shrug of a shoulder.
Old rivalries with brothers and sisters.
long thougl'll to have been overcome. re­
turn as important decisions have to be
made. only to cloud and distort the pre­
sent realities_
However, when these issues arc: looked
at . either in the non·judgmental s.-:ning or
a counseling relationship. or in discus­
sion groups "'ith others with similar con­
cerns, the pain and confusion can lessen
as new. more malUre ways of dealing re­
place the older ones. Each generation can
thus learn to speak to each other from a
new place, a plac:: of mutual concern and
respect.
What can happen. with enough good
will and awareness, is thai each reaches
within itselr for the love that has always
bound it to the other. In this way, the
parenting be::omes what all good pare:lt­
ing really is - one life enriching and ex­
panding another's, in a reciprocal
process.
lrilia Gargili/o is a ps)'d'olll~apisl ....ho
IllUSTRATION 1J'f STEP""'"
''-IITAQ
a/so II"(Irks ...j/lr rhl' l'/derlrJor lire Town of
Gr('('n II ·jell.