The Three Keys to Surviving
Major Life Transitions
By Tim Maurer
You might think that the most important work a
financial advisor can do is related to allocating a
client's investment portfolio, or perhaps helping
secure a timely insurance policy or drafting the
optimal estate plan. In fact, the most important
work is done when clients are in the midst of
navigating life's major transitions.
I recently experienced two of these major life events
- a job change and a move - in the span of five
months. Crazy, right? Who would willingly subject
themselves to two of life's most stressful changes
within such a small window of time? Fortunately, I
had at my disposal three keys to surviving major life
transitions, and I'd like to share them with you:
Key No. 1: Flexibility
"Blessed are the hearts that can bend; they shall
never be broken." --Albert Camus
In February, I left the company I loved after seven
years of life-changing work to lock arms with a
national alliance of financial advisory pioneers
dedicated to the practice of "building relationships
by doing the right thing." But in order to build a new
Finding Fulfillment in an
Empty Nest
Waking up one day to an empty nest
isn't easy. As Carl Pickhardt, an author
and psychologist in Austin, Texas,
wrote for Psychology Today, "For a
while the empty nest can result in the
empty parent."
Like with other major changes in life,
however, advanced planning can ease
the transition.
According to the Mayo Clinic: "If your
last child is about to leave home and
you're worried about empty nest
syndrome, plan ahead. Look for new
opportunities in your personal and
professional life. Keeping busy or
taking on new challenges at work or at
home can help ease the sense of loss
that your child's departure might
cause."
Also, talk to recent empty nesters to
find out what was most difficult for
them and how they managed to get
and rewarding relationship with them, I had no
choice but to sever some relationships with others.
I had to tell colleagues at my former company good friends - that I was leaving, knowing that our
work was the primary basis for our friendship. I also
had to forgo working with some clients whose
financial plans I'd helped craft, and in whom I'd
invested personally.
I had to impose myself on new colleagues as I
fumbled through onboarding. I had to learn new
systems, protocols and personalities. I had to
wonder if, at the conclusion of a probationary
stretch of forgone forgiveness, my new colleagues
would still want me on their team!
So much change in so little time.
You've heard that death and taxes are life's only
guarantees. But I'm still holding out for an Elijahstyle exit, and half of Europe pays taxes little mind.
No, it is only change that is a guarantee in this life,
and flexibility is its only effective counteragent.
We can and should envision and plan for major life
transitions, but we should also expect our path to be
diverted by unknown variables. We must be willing
to flex our plans in these dynamic times of change.
Key No. 2: Margin
"Everything takes longer than it does." --Ecuadorian
proverb
In the first week of June, my family moved from our
beloved Baltimore - leaving behind our close-knit
families, community support systems and favorite
sports teams - in an experiment to see what life
would look like from a different vantage point. We
chose Charleston, S.C., as the backdrop for our
adventure, pinpointed for its promise of a slower
pace, higher quality of life and lower cost of living.
Major life transitions, however, are necessarily
taxing on our time and money, at least initially. And
because of the elements unique to every major life
event, it is virtually impossible to accurately forecast
the necessary allotment of time and money that will
be required.
through it. And remember: It's natural
to feel sad. Missing your children is a
sign of a strong relationship with them.
These other suggestions can be
beneficial to empty nesters:
Rest, relax, be patient. New empty
nesters should take some time to
decompress. You've just experienced
an emotional time and perhaps a hectic
one if you've played a key role in
helping your child get ready for
college, plan a wedding or embark on a
new career.
Do things for yourself. Look to fill
your newfound free time with the
activities that you had been telling
yourself that you're too busy to do.
Exercise more. Volunteer. Join a club.
Travel.
Date your spouse or partner. An
article by the AARP states: "Reestablish yourselves as a twosome.
Make a list of activities you and your
spouse or partner like doing together
and schedule time for them."
Schedule time with your children.
Whether it's a phone call, a video chat
or, if possible, a meal, try and set aside
some regular time to stay connected
with your children. The quantity of
time you spend together will decrease,
but the quality of time doesn't have to.
Tips for New Parents
No change in your life will affect you
more than when you become a firsttime parent. The following articles
offer a guide to help both your mental
and money well-being during this
major transition.
Baby-Proof Your Sanity:
6 Parenting Tips
This can be maddening to me as a financial planner.
I strive to forecast every expense one could
anticipate, but change invariably costs more money
and consumes more time than expected.
The only solution is to plan for the unexpected by
leaving a reasonable margin of time and money - a
buffer - that can be consumed by the inevitable
surprises that arise. Expect that it will take 20
percent longer and cost 20 percent more. This is the
only defense against heaping more stress on an
inherently stressful event.
I'll also add that our move was, in part, an exercise in
the creation of margin. Despite Charleston's great
reputation as a city that offers a high quality of life,
the cost of housing, especially, is still lower than in
the Mid-Atlantic. We were able to reduce our overall
monthly housing costs, our biggest single expense,
by 20 percent.
We also added a significant margin of time to our
calendars. We effectively wiped clean our slate of
commitments, decades in the making, and now we
get to choose exactly what, where, when and to
whom we're willing to dedicate ourselves.
Key No. 3: Grace
"Failures are finger posts on the road to
achievement." --C.S. Lewis
WebMD offers suggestions for ways
you can take care of yourself and keep
the relationship with your partner
strong, and it also offers advice for
first-time parents who are older than
40.
Top 10 Money Tips for New Parents
Teach your kids the
10 percent rule. Show them that needs
and wants are two different
things. Make a will. Get your
paperwork in order.
These are just a handful of financial
expert Jean Chatzky's tips for
adjusting to the financial reality of
having a family.
Join Our Team
Failure is inevitable, especially in the case of major
life events. Grace is unmerited favor in the face of
failure. This brand of grace is most often discussed
from the pulpit on Sundays, but I raise the topic
here more for its practical benefits than its spiritual.
The nature of life's major transitions - specifically
the changes and surprises that come with them - are
a breeding ground for failure. Some are
inconsequential while others come with great risks,
but most come as a result of our limitations.
We err, and in order to move forward, we must
extend grace to ourselves and to the others on our
journey.
It must be said that not all major life transitions are
equal.
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The benefit of my recent life events is that each of
them, while taxing and stressful, led to something
new and exciting. You may be facing another brand
of life event - a death, a divorce, an injury or a loss
not of your choosing. Your situation is different - it's
harder - but that makes the use of these three keys
even more vital.
When we employ flexibility, margin and grace in
navigating life's biggest transitions, we have the
opportunity to not only survive them, but to thrive
in, through and even because of them
This commentary originally appeared
on Forbes.com.
Tim Maurer is the director of personal finance for the
BAM ALLIANCE. He is a regular CNBC contributor
and writes for Forbes.com. A central theme, that
"personal finance is more personal than it is
finance," drives his writing and speaking. You can
follow Tim on Twitter at @TimMaurer.
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