SHIP
[A PERFORMANCE EXHIBIT ON LOAN FROM THE STONINGTON HOLY GHOSTS SOCIETY]
CHARACTERS
NELL - 20's, The main character in this play
CAITLIN - Early 30's, Nell's sister
JEREMIAH - 20's, Recently tried to grow the longest fingernails in the world
A bare space.
Then a voice from the loud speaker.
LOUD SPEAKER
Please fill all available seats, please fill all available seats.
There is no flash photography during the exhibit. Repeat, there is absolutely no flash
photography during the exhibit.
Now please feel free to sit back and relax.
Please feel free to enjoy.
Please feel free to feel.
Please cross your legs if they get tired.
You can get up and walk around. Stretch your arms, stretch your back.
Feel free to talk to your neighbor.
Feel free to run up on stage and spin your arms in circles.
There’s no one stopping you.
You paid for this ticket with your hard earned money.
Feel free to sleep.
Feel free to cry.
Feel free to love this performance.
Feel free to take as many pictures as you’d like.
Go ahead. You can do it. It’s completely fine.
You’re safe here.
Feel free to ignore pretty much anything I’m saying right now.
I’m just a recording. I’m not really in any position to enforce anything at all really.
...
Study guides and other supplemental material will be available in the gift shop following
this afternoon’s performance.
Thank you.
Lights down.
The set spins, like an enormous diorama to reveal Nell seated at
her computer. Her moves are almost animatronic, very presented.
Caitlin appears holding a microphone. She watches Nell and then
to the audience:
CAITLIN TOUR GUIDE
This is Nell. She’s writing a letter.
She thinks, maybe I should tell him about my favorite world records.
Yeah. Just to prove I’m legit.
Nell begins to type.
CAITLIN TOUR GUIDE
Nell writes about Steven Petrosino. In June of 1977 Steven drank one liter of beer in one
point three seconds. He set the record for the two fifty milliliter, five hundred milliliter and
one and half, but the Guinness committee only accepted the record for the one liter.
2.
Still, that’s a world record, folks.
But then in 1991 Petrosino got a letter.
It was from Guinness.
They informed him that they were dropping all beer and alcohol records from their
compendium. Effective immediately.
Steven got nothing. He was just a normal person again.
Nell stops typing.
CAITLIN TOUR GUIDE
Wait. Don’t write that, she thinks.
That’s depressing a shit.
Nell starts deleting what she’s written.
CAITLIN TOUR GUIDE
All Nell wants to do is write Jeremiah a letter welcoming him back to town.
All she wants to do is tell him that she remembers him from high school.
She remembers his rolling backpack.
That he’d eat his lunch in the far corner of the cafeteria by the trophy case.
She remembers how he couldn’t keep his fingernails short no matter how much he tried.
Nell sits back and looks at her computer screen.
CAITLIN TOUR GUIDE
Nell reads over her letter.
Sort of corny but I’m late for work so screw it.
“Print.”
Nell gets up as the letter prints and gets dressed for work.
CAITLIN TOUR GUIDE
Nell is a tour guide at the Mystic Seaport which is a nautical museum with boats and a
period seaside village.
She works on the Charles W. Morgan, the world’s last wooden whaling ship.
That’s something even Guinness can’t take away.
Over the following Nell puts on what looks to be either a sailor’s
outfit or some kind of period costume from the 1800’s.
CAITLIN TOUR GUIDE
Sometimes when she’s below deck giving a tour to some middle school students she feels
transported.
Sometimes when she’s below deck she’ll look around and wonder:
Has anyone ever fucked down here?
Nell finishes getting dressed.
3.
CAITLIN TOUR GUIDE
She thinks probably they have.
She thinks, how does one fuck on a whaling ship? Are there like special positions that are
more agreeable with the heavy seas?
She thinks probably there are. But she can’t imagine any of them at the moment.
Because she’s late for work.
Slowly the set rotates again to reveal something that looks like a
dock that juts out over the ocean.
CAITLIN TOUR GUIDE
This dock sits on Bishop’s Cove at the end of Chesebro Lane. From it you can see Sandy
Point and DuBois Beach.
They say it’s a safety hazard but we’re gonna ignore that for now.
Caitlin walks over and sits in a lawn chair at the end of the dock.
Nell appears and sits in a chair.
Lights shift.
The dock is alive somehow. We hear the ocean. The fog horn in the
distance.
It is night and a six pack sits nearby. Nell and Caitlin both drink.
Yeah but the cats.
They’re fine.
NELL
CAITLIN
NELL
I dunno. I’m sorta worried about the cats.
Well don’t be.
CAITLIN
NELL
The orange one isn’t good with new people. Is it the orange one?
Barney.
CAITLIN
NELL
I came up one time to say hello and he like jumped. Like so high.
4.
You snuck up on him.
Yeah.
To scare him.
No!
You were wearing a mask.
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
Pause.
I was?
NELL
CAITLIN
That rubber mask you were obsessed with.
The mask! Yes!
It was like some weird pirate or
NELL
CAITLIN
NELL
Where did that thing go? Do you [have it?]
I don’t have your mask.
CAITLIN
NELL
Fuck.
So whatever. So that proves my point then. Bad with new people.
Like what’s-his-name.
I need someone to drive the truck.
CAITLIN
NELL
Hoenstly I don’t want to be involved.
Why not?
CAITLIN
5.
NELL
One: For Barney’s sake
And Two
...
Also I suck at driving U-Haul’s.
I don’t know why you’re coming to me like I’m this expert.
I’ve never driven one.
It’s easy.
I’m asking for your help.
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
NELL
How big is the one you’re gonna get?
I don’t know.
You haven’t looked?
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
I have I just don’t know which one is right.
How much stuff are you moving?
Like all.
Like all of it.
NELL
CAITLIN
NELL
So I dunno.
So get a seventeen footer. That’s on the lower end of the middle range ones.
That would probably be fine.
And seventeen footers are easy. So fucking easy to drive.
Nell--
CAITLIN
NELL
The cats Caitlin! I can’t endorse the move!
6.
That’s not
That’s not why--
CAITLIN
NELL
Yes it is! I have nothing against this dude.
I don’t even know him.
Exactly.
Why not have him drive the thing?
He doesn’t have a license.
Wait, what?
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
Luke doesn't have a license. That’s why I asked you.
Whoa.
NELL
CAITLIN
It’s pretty normal for people to not have a driver’s license actually.
That’s a normal thing.
How does he like...vote?
NELL
CAITLIN
He has an ID card. You just can’t drive with it.
Oh.
Can you just help me out?
I’ll look at my calendar.
I know you’re not doing anything.
NELL
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
7.
I gotta look at my calendar.
...
...
He’s not such a bad guy.
NELL
(shrugging)
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
NELL
I’m honestly not even thinking about this guy.
Luke.
My concern is the orange cat.
...
Barney.
CAITLIN
NELL
Nell drinks her beer.
NELL
You didn’t respond to the instagram I tagged you in the other day.
What.
You didn’t respond.
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
You can’t respond. It’s just a picture.
NELL
Well you could tag me back and be like “Ha-ha-ha-ha”
Just to let me know you saw it.
Oh.
Did you see it?
CAITLIN
NELL
8.
The one with the sea otters?
That was a while ago.
Then no.
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
NELL
It was that guy trying to jump rope. But he’s drunk.
Oh.
And so he just falls over.
Okay yes. I saw it.
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
NELL
When I was tagging you in it, the person before me
Their screen name was Poop Soup Riot 666.
And I was like why didn’t I think of that?!
Hm. Yeah.
CAITLIN
NELL
I dunno. I have to change my screen name soon.
I’m so sick of it.
...
Are you pissed at me?
...
...
No.
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
9.
Okay.
NELL
Nell drinks her beer.
NELL
You could just move in with me you know.
...
CAITLIN
NELL
I will throw Raj out in like a second.
CAITLIN
You can’t kick out your roommate.
NELL
I can and I will.
...
I’m serious, it’s open if you want it.
CAITLIN
I’m okay. I’m gonna do this with Luke.
Sorry.
Nell shrugs.
They sit there in silence for a moment.
NELL
Oh man that mask...
If you wore it for five minutes and just breathed normally it got this sort of moist film.
Don’t say film.
And don’t say moist. Uch.
I liked it. I liked the smell.
Whoa.
I know. That’s gross.
Sorry.
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
NELL
10.
Caitlin drinks her beer.
Where did I put that thing?
I think mom threw it out.
Fuck...
NELL
CAITLIN
NELL
The fog horn blows.
They sit.
CAITLIN
Oh she gave me something to give you actually.
Caitlin reaches into her bag and pulls out a box from Amazon.
Nell takes the box.
Oh fuck yeah.
It got shipped to their house.
It never switched my address.
NELL
CAITLIN
NELL
Nell opens it. It’s the new edition of the Guinness Book of World
Records.
She looks at it.
NELL
Damn. These covers. They so gaudy.
You say gaudy weird.
Here look.
Like what is this?
CAITLIN
NELL
(she holds it up)
She moves the book back and forth. The image moves when she
moves it.
11.
NELL
Is that supposed to be some kinda janky hologram thing?
Do they think they’re impressing us with this?
And that green is like
Blech.
CAITLIN
NELL
It’s like the worst green.
Show some respect for the people inside this thing.
Show some respect for the people who dedicate their lives to this.
The Ashrita Furmans of the world, you know?
I don’t know why they can’t just do
Like a like a regal um leather traditional cover.
Leather bound.
CAITLIN
NELL
Right.
Something you would wanna put in your library.
It’s not my library but
CAITLIN
NELL
Something the people can be proud of.
Yeah I dunno.
Because this is just, ugh.
Janky hologram.
I should design this.
They need to hire me.
Yeah.
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
Nell gives it another long look .
She puts it under her chair.
12.
CAITLIN
You can look through it if you want. I’ll just sit here.
NELL
No it’s fine. I’m gonna wait till I get home.
I have this whole process with new editions.
...
...
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
The fingernail guy moved back to town.
NELL
His name is Jeremiah. And yeah I know.
I went to his house.
You did?
Yeah.
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
The guy who grew his fingernails crazy long?
Yeah.
I didn’t know you knew him.
We went to high school together.
Right right.
NELL
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
NELL
And he didn’t just decide to grow them. He was born with an extremely rare condition that
made his fingernails grow crazy fast. Triple the speed and triple the strength. It was unreal.
Mutant fingernails.
CAITLIN
13.
NELL
And he would have broken the world record one day if it weren’t for the accident.
Damn.
It’s actually really sad.
CAITLIN
NELL
Caitlin takes a swig.
NELL
And I don’t like know him know him.
What?
CAITLIN
Nell shrugs and swigs her beer.
You don’t know him?
I know of him. Like-And you went to his house?
Yeah.
...
Just to like
Welcome him back.
...
...
...
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
14.
Is that bad?
Um. Yeah.
No it’s not.
Sort of it is.
Well he was fine with it.
What did he say?
He said that
He wouldn’t see me actually.
Nell! Stalker!
NELL
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
NELL
(pause)
CAITLIN
NELL
Listen, you’re making this weird and this isn’t weird. It was a very normal visit.
I’m not a loser. I’m not a stalker so just
Okay, okay.
CAITLIN
NELL
I think he’s depressed or something.
His mom answered the door and she was really nice and she understood.
She seemed proud of him but also worried and so she appreciated that someone came to
welcome him home.
It wasn’t weird.
Okay.
So I left a note for him.
What did the note say?
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
15.
NELL
It said something like:
Hey Jeremiah. It’s me Nell. We went to high school together. Welcome back.
I heard about how your car crash. I’m sorry.
Is that what happened?
CAITLIN
NELL
Yeah. He was thrown from the car. All ten of his fingernails snapped right off.
And then I said some other stuff that I forget. But then I said:
Just so you know you’re a real inspiration to a lot of us here in Stonington.
Especially me.
CAITLIN
He might think you’re making fun of him.
NELL
Yeah but I’m not.
And then I said:
I would love to grab a beer so I can welcome you back in person.
And then that was it. And then I said
Signed Nell.
Baller.
CAITLIN
NELL
Thanks.
I really wanna see those damn fingernails.
Does he still have them?
I dunno.
Aren’t they all smashed up?
Yeah. Shit.
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
Plus maybe he’s like very sensitive about them and protective about them.
Could be.
NELL
16.
CAITLIN
Is that something people in your book usually do?
Like get all protective about their record.
NELL
Yeah sometimes. Depends really.
Also this wasn’t actually a record. An impressive achievement, but not a record. Not yet.
CAITLIN
I’m just thinking if they were my fingernails.
NELL
Right. Hmm.
I really hope they didn’t get smashed.
(pause)
How’d you know he was back in town.
Everyone knows.
Yeah.
CAITLIN
NELL
(taking a swig)
CAITLIN
Also he’s been coming into the library.
Nell coughs on her beer.
What?
NELL
CAITLIN
I said he’s been coming into the library.
You’ve seen him?
Yeah.
When?
Um. Today?
NELL
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
17.
NELL
What the fuck? Why didn’t you fucking [tell me]
(pause, she considers this)
It’s not him.
Yeah it is.
CAITLIN
NELL
You don’t even know what he looks like.
So?
So how do you know it’s him?
He’s got, like, things on his hands.
What things.
Like
Bandages.
Holy shit. Holy shit.
Yeah.
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
NELL
Jeremiah Cukor is checking books out at your library.
It’s not my library.
How the fuck is he
So you’re just
Wait.
What is he reading?
I didn’t look.
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
18.
How can you not look?
NELL
CAITLIN
I thought he was just some weird guy with bandages on his hands.
I’m coming.
I’m gonna come over yeah?
It’s cool if I come over?
To the library?
NELL
CAITLIN
NELL
Yeah. I’ll stack books. I’ll do whatever.
Be a person who gives away their labor for free.
A volunteer?
Yes! Exactly.
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
So you can meet the fingernail guy?
Jeremiah. Yes.
NELL
Pause.
CAITLIN
Okay that’s sort of against the rules.
What is?
NELL
CAITLIN
I can’t just let you volunteer because
Like, you’re supposed to want to stack books.
I do!
NELL
CAITLIN
As a volunteer you’re supposed to want to help out the library.
19.
NELL
I do. I do wanna help. I care about this library.
Clearly.
Right now you / do--
CAITLIN
NELL
Also is that even true?
Are there rules about like volunteer motivation?
Yes!
...
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
Okay no but in theory
Listen I’m not just hiring some volunteer so they can stalk a parton of my library.
NELL
It’s not your library. It’s the public library.
And this isn’t stalking! We went to high school.
We were in the trenches together. We’re buds.
You said you didn’t / know him.
CAITLIN
NELL
Also I’m not just some volunteer.
I can’t believe you even said that. I’m your sister. Come on.
Right but still--
CAITLIN
Nell grabs Guinness Book of World Records from under her chair.
Also, like, this.
Come on. I speak the language.
...
I speak this weirdo’s language.
NELL
CAITLIN
NELL
20.
...
CAITLIN
NELL
I’m begging to volunteer at your library right now.
...
...
Nell...
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
Nell tosses her book down.
It’s fine.
I could get in trouble.
Right.
It’s like entrapment is the thing.
NELL
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
NELL
Except not at all actually.
Except we totally have something in common.
...
...
...
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
NELL
Whatever. I’ll drive the stupid thing.
CAITLIN
The twenty footer. The seventeen is a joke.
21.
The seventeen is / fine-TWENTY FOOTER!
Okay okay! Jesus...
The twenty. Fine.
NELL
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
You pick it up. And you drop it off.
NELL
Then I’m not touching a single box.
Assistance required.
Nope.
We’ll all help. Luke will be there.
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
Nell cracks another beer.
Joy.
He’s honestly a great guy.
NELL
CAITLIN
NELL
I’m sure.
What time am I showing up to your library.
He comes in around lunch.
Okay.
...
I’m coming tomorrow FYI.
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
NELL
22.
CAITLIN
Okay well he just came in today so he’s probably not gonna be there tomorrow FYI.
I don’t fucking care FYI.
...
...
NELL
CAITLIN
NELL
Caitlin cracks a beer.
NELL
I would have seen him somewhere eventually anyway.
You can’t hide in this town. I’ve tried.
They both drink.
Caitlin props her feet up.
Nell puts up the hood on her hoodie.
Can I
CAITLIN
(motioning to the book under Nell’s chair)
Nell bends down and grabs it. Hands it to her.
Caitlin opens it and starts reading.
After a time:
Oh my god...
Don’t say anything please.
I want to be surprised.
CAITLIN
(re: whatever she is reading)
NELL
Caitlin keeps reading.
The fog horn blows in the distance.
Nell takes a swig from her beer.
23.
Caitlin stands and walks over to the microphone. Behind her the set
rotates.
CAITLIN TOUR GUIDE
Nell’s not into Luke.
He plays frisbee golf.
And normal golf too actually.
He’s just sorta vanilla. Not exciting.
But she thinks, if he makes Caitlin happy then...
She shrugs.
The new set revealed suggests the lobby of an old library.
CAITLIN TOUR GUIDE
Great. Okay. The library part now.
Nell sits behind the desk.
In front of her is Jeremiah. He has bandages on his fingers. He
looks uncomfortable.
CAITLIN TOUR GUIDE
Jeremiah. The fingernail guy. See the bandages?
Go ahead guys.
NELL
It’s so vivid in my head. Everyone being like: The fingernails! Gahhh!
Yeah.
Remember Raj Chernoff?
Not really.
JEREMIAH
NELL
JEREMIAH
NELL
He was fat when he was in middle school but in high school he was on the football team so
suddenly it was supposed to be muscle even though it was still basically all fat?
No sorry.
JEREMIAH
24.
NELL
He’s obsessed with you. He’s my roommate now but in high school he thought you were
like the weirdest guy.
He’s not gonna believe that I met you.
Yeah.
Anyways. When I saw your uh
JEREMIAH
NELL
She motions to the bandages on his fingers.
He crosses his arms self-consciously.
NELL
I figured it was you. I read.
About what happened. It was in the paper.
...
I’m sorry by the way.
...
That probably really hurt.
Yeah. It did.
How long were they? At the end.
Um. Pretty long.
I bet.
You’ve heard of Sharidar Chillal?
Yeah.
JEREMIAH
NELL
JEREMIAH
NELL
JEREMIAH
NELL
JEREMIAH
NELL
JEREMIAH
25.
NELL
Did you ever get to like meet and compare length or something?
Side by side?
No.
JEREMIAH
NELL
You should have.
You would have beat him one day. I know it.
Pause.
NELL
Ooo! Or Ashrita Furman, you ever meet him?
Who?
Never mind.
I’d like to check these out please.
Oh. Duh.
JEREMIAH
NELL
JEREMIAH
(handing her his books)
NELL
Nell takes them. She looks at them.
Hm.
NELL
(approval)
Nell grabs the scanner.
Okay so
NELL
She looks at it.
Jeremiah hands her his library card.
NELL
Right. Library card. I was about to
Nell take that and somehow scans that.
26.
Cool. That worked.
NELL
She hands it back.
NELL
Oh. You didn’t get my note did you?
Your what?
JEREMIAH
NELL
I went to your house and left a note.
With your mom.
That was you?
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah I got it.
JEREMIAH
NELL
JEREMIAH
NELL
So...
Do you wanna grab a drink or something?
Ummm.
You don’t have to.
Okay.
But you should.
...
Also I this is a platonic offer.
JEREMIAH
NELL
JEREMIAH
NELL
JEREMIAH
NELL
27.
I sort of got that actually.
JEREMIAH
NELL
Cool.
I just wanna welcome you back to Stonington.
That’s okay.
This is fine. As a welcome.
Oh.
JEREMIAH
NELL
Jeremiah starts to take his books.
So thank you.
Okay cool.
JEREMIAH
NELL
JEREMIAH
I’ll see you around. Next time I’m in here maybe.
NELL
I’m actually a volunteer though so probably not.
Oh. Well...
JEREMIAH
He sort of salutes weirdly and turns to leave.
I work at the Seaport.
NELL
He stops.
Oh.
JEREMIAH
NELL
Yeah. I fucking hate it.
That’s not true. It’s cool sometimes.
What do you do?
JEREMIAH
28.
NELL
Tour guide. For the Charles W. Morgan. It’s the world’s last
JEREMIAH
Wooden whaling ship.
NELL
Wooden whaling ship.
He puts his books back down.
JEREMIAH
That ship is the only record this town holds.
NELL
Oh whoa. I didn’t even
Okay but does having the last of something really count as a record?
Like, it’s just old and the other ones are all gone.
It’s a record.
JEREMIAH
CAITLIN TOUR GUIDE
Jeremiah had been to the Seaport twelve times between the ages of six and eleven.
He found it to be strange and haunted.
JEREMIAH
I thought everyone knew about the Mystic Seaport. When I was a kid.
I thought that place was famous.
It sort of is.
Not really.
I think it actually kind of is.
Well
NELL
JEREMIAH
NELL
JEREMIAH
Brief pause.
NELL
I’ll take you sometime if you want.
When?
JEREMIAH
29.
How about like-Tonight?
Um. Actually.
Yeah.
Okay.
When it gets dark.
Is it open?
Nah.
But you have keys?
Nah. I can break us in though.
I’ve done it a bunch of times.
NELL
JEREMIAH
NELL
JEREMIAH
NELL
JEREMIAH
NELL
JEREMIAH
NELL
CAITLIN TOUR GUIDE
She has never broken into anything. Ever.
Is it creepy at night?
JEREMIAH
NELL
Oh yeah. So creepy. So fucking creepy.
I’ll take you in the blacksmith shop thingy?
Oh man.
JEREMIAH
NELL
With all the metal? And the tools? Like hanging on hooks?
Whoa.
I just sort of got the chills.
JEREMIAH
30.
Yeah. Same.
So you really wanna go?
NELL
CAITLIN TOUR GUIDE
Since moving back to Stonington Jeremiah has spent nearly all his time watching TV with
his mom. A particular focus on real estate and renovation shows.
House Hunters. House Hunters International. Fixer / Upper. Love It or List It-JEREMIAH
Yes.
I’d like to go. I’m actually weirdly into this.
It’s not weird. It’s normal.
Okay.
NELL
JEREMIAH
NELL
Wanting to break into a nautical museum to see the world’s last wooden whaling ship is
normal. Like, it’s the only record this town even holds.
Let me grab my shit.
Nell stands up and starts grabbing her coat and stuff.
Oh. Right now?
JEREMIAH
NELL
Yeah. Let’s grab a pint at Noah’s to get the juices flowing and then head over.
You can just leave?
Yeah. I’m a volunteer.
JEREMIAH
NELL
Nell has her stuff.
“Let’s shag ass.”
NELL
(calling her quote)
Jack Nicholson. The Last Detail.
That’s us right now. We’re the sailors.
JEREMIAH
I don’t think they were sailors. I think they just had the hats.
31.
Lights shift.
Caitlin hits a button and the sets starts to spin. Before it gets very
far, suddenly the set groans and sputters to a stop.
She tries again. Nothing. It’s broken.
Jeremiah, supposedly frozen in the scene, looks at her out of the
corner of his eye.
You! Come here.
CAITLIN TOUR GUIDE
(whispered)
Jeremiah nods and joins Caitlin.
Caitlin talks to him for a moment in silence, hatching a plan of
some sort.
Nell remains completely frozen during all of this. She’s really
incredible at this and appears completely dedicated.
Caitlin and Jeremiah both grab an opposite end of the set and begin
to manually spin it to reveal the next scene.
The old broken set creaks as they do so. It looks like hard work.
As they spin the set.
CAITLIN TOUR GUIDE
Tell them about some records or something.
What?
JEREMIAH
CAITLIN TOUR GUIDE
Tell them about some world records! Like the ones that inspired you!
Oh. Okay. Uh...
JEREMIAH
They push the set.
Just a quick one.
CAITLIN TOUR GUIDE
32.
Yeah yeah no I’m just
Uhhh
JEREMIAH
The new set is almost nearly revealed.
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
JERMIAH
CAITLIN TOUR GUIDE
Okay Jesus, try to think of one while you’re doing this.
They finish moving the set.
Okay. Sorry.
JEREMIAH
Caitlin exits.
Jeremiah climbs onto the set.
In the darkness we hear the sound of a large ship rocking slowly on
the water.
We sit in silence and listen for nearly a minute.
Lights rise.
Jeremiah and Nell sit in the first mate’s bunk in the lower deck of
the Charles W. Morgan.
They’re both half naked.
They’ve just had sex.
However Nell is in full-on tour guide mode.
NELL
(big, performed)
...Over an eighty year whaling career the Morgan embarked on 37 voyages with most lasting
three years or more! Three years of eating, washing and living here. Below deck.
The journeys were long and arduous. A sailor’s meager diet consisted mostly of hardtack,
also known as pilot bread
Shipbiscuit
Cabin bread
Hardtack is a simple cracker or biscuit, made from flour, water, and sometimes on special
occasions: salt!
33.
(breaking from her routine)
You think anyone has fucked down here before?
Um--
JEREMIAH
NELL
Like another tour guide? I mean this thing is like old. There have been tour guides working
here for, like, ever.
I’m not sure.
JEREMIAH
NELL
Oh! Or even like the sailors. Do you think they had sex with each other?
During their journeys?
...
JEREMIAH
NELL
We could be the first.
We could be the first people to ever have sex aboard the Charles W. Morgan.
Wow. Honestly this has been on my bucket list for a while. Sometimes I’m down here giving
a tour and all I’m thinking is like “I’m definitely gonna have sex down here one day.”
You want me to keep doing the tour?
...
You okay?
Yeah.
JEREMIAH
NELL
JEREMIAH
NELL
How long are you staying in Stonington for?
Like, indefinitely.
Cool.
JEREMIAH
NELL
He shrugs.
NELL
Are you gonna grow your fingernails out again?
34.
No.
You should try.
JEREMIAH
NELL
JEREMIAH
No.
I’m just gonna get a job and do that. My uncle owns the True Value so
What? True Value?
Yeah.
NELL
JEREMIAH
NELL
You’re gonna work at True Value?
Yeah.
JEREMIAH
NELL
Noooo man. Do not do that. Do not do that.
Why not?
JEREMIAH
NELL
Because you’re the guy who grew his fingernails crazy long! You can’t just turn into the guy
who works at True Value! The guy who sells paint.
JEREMIAH
I think I’d rather be the guy who sells paint.
NELL
Don’t say that. I’m serious. You did something so real and now-Do you still have your fingernails that broke off?
What?
JEREMIAH
NELL
Because you could do something with those. You could show them off.
That could be your job.
I don’t / think anyone--
JEREMIAH
35.
NELL
Like an exhibit. You could do that. And people would come.
No they wouldn’t.
JEREMIAH
NELL
Yes they would. I would.
And I would help you make this exhibit. I would help you.
...
People would come.
Thanks but
I’m okay just selling paint.
JEREMIAH
NELL
JEREMIAH
Nell shakes her head.
What a waste...
...
...
You’re really great.
This was great.
Thanks. You too.
NELL
(mostly to herself)
JEREMIAH
NELL
JEREMIAH
NELL
They sit there.
NELL
Having sex with you sort of reminded me of this documentary I saw right before I dropped
out of college.
Really? Uh, what documentary?
JEREMIAH
36.
NELL
It was about these guys who have sex with, like, dolls.
Oh.
What?
JEREMIAH
NELL
They have sex with these really expensive dolls. The dolls look life-like and these guys pick
the hair they want and the eyes they want and like the ethnicity they want.
And they’re just obsessed with their dolls.
Like they give them names and stuff?
Wow...
JEREMIAH
NELL
Yeah but the documentary isn’t even really about them.
It’s about this woman who repairs the dolls.
She’s got some speciality business that fixes sex dolls.
And these guys ship their dolls to her, and it’s like heartbreaking to watch.
They put their dolls in this big wooden box that’s like this coffin looking thing?
They strap them in and like kiss them goodbye?
And then ship ‘em off to this woman.
Anyways, she’s like her own story. She’s like this sex doll expert. She’s the best.
And there’s this one part that I was just thinking of when we were having sex where she’s
like repairing this one doll’s vagina.
The walls of her vagina are like worn through.
Like worn down.
This guy has fucked his doll so many times that the rubber fake vagina liner had worn
through.
And this repair woman looks at it and goes “Yup. Seen this before.”
And I was like what!
...
JEREMIAH
NELL
This is a whole other level I have just never experienced before.
Like I know lonely. I am familiar.
But this is something else. This guy has spent so much time alone
Fucking a doll
He’s done that so often that he broke part of it.
He broke the vagina.
Like how is that a thing that happens in this world?
He went beyond what a sex doll was manufactured to endure.
...
37.
Uch. Endure.
That sounds so rapey. Doesn’t it?
...
JEREMIAH
NELL
Sort of makes you wanna stick up for the doll...
...
...
Sorry.
Why are you sorry?
JEREMIAH
NELL
JEREMIAH
NELL
JEREMIAH
It’s obviously not good if I made you feel like a sex doll.
Oh.
No man.
You’re the doll.
I am?
Yeah. You didn’t get that?
No.
NELL
JEREMIAH
NELL
JEREMIAH
NELL
You just, like, laid there while I fucked you.
Right. Right.
Clearly you’re the doll.
I’m sorry.
JEREMIAH
NELL
JEREMIAH
38.
It’s fine. Really.
NELL
JEREMIAH
Because of my fingernails I haven’t really done much uh
NELL
Oh. Whooooa I didn’t even think of that.
I’m a little out of practice.
JEREMIAH
NELL
Yeah that makes total sense actually.
Yeah so
JEREMIAH
They sit there awkwardly.
How did the movie end?
JEREMIAH
NELL
I dunno. I sorta forget. It was weird.
...
JEREMIAH
NELL
I think one of the guys like gave up his doll in this really dramatic way.
Like his family was so pumped for him that he was giving up his doll.
Hm.
Yeah.
Sounds
I know.
...
JEREMIAH
NELL
JEREMIAH
NELL
JEREMIAH
39.
...
NELL
Suddenly the bunk breaks under their weight.
They both crash to the floor.
40.
Nell and Jeremiah sit in two chairs outside the x-ray room in the
ER. Jeremiah is holding his elbow delicately.
I left my books inside the ship.
Yeah...
Wait what books?
The library books.
Oh shit. That’s right.
Okay. I can grab them.
...
...
Sorry.
JEREMIAH
NELL
JEREMIAH
NELL
JEREMIAH
NELL
JEREMIAH
NELL
It’s cool. I’ll scoop ‘em up. How many books?
Three.
JEREMIAH
NELL
What are they again? So I know what to look for.
Um. Solo Command.
Darksaber.
And um
In Search of the Far Side.
Whoa. What’s that last one?
It’s one of those
It’s like the comic. Far Side?
JEREMIAH
NELL
JEREMIAH
41.
I don’t know what that is.
NELL
JEREMIAH
It’s a comic that used to be in newspapers. Like with Garfield.
Oh ohohoh.
But so much better.
You don’t know Far Side?
No.
NELL
JEREMIAH
NELL
JEREMIAH
Damn. You have to borrow this book.
It’s a lot of cows. And scientists. And other animals.
Nice.
NELL
JEREMIAH
But it’s funny though. Like what’s a good one?
He thinks.
It’s okay--
NELL
JEREMIAH
Oh! So it’s a drawing of this guy like sitting in a chair. Like very low light. There’s a lamp
next to him in like very low light. And he’s got this sort of gross scraggly hair. And he’s
balding. And he’s sort of hunched over in this chair reading this book. And he’s just sort of
all-around gross. And he has glasses.
And he’s reading this book. And the title of the book is something like
“All Things Cold and Slimy”
And he’s just reading it like so into this book.
Like this is guy that would be reading that.
You know?
Yeah.
NELL
JEREMIAH
But you have to like see it to get it.
42.
I get it.
NELL
JEREMIAH
Yeah well
It’s stuff like that. It’s really funny.
Gary Larson.
He’s really good.
...
Far Side.
...
...
NELL
JEREMIAH
NELL
JEREMIAH
Caitlin enters in scrubs.
She is now DOCTOR. She holds a clipboard.
Hey folks.
Whoa. Hey Daph.
Hi. Nell?
Yeah.
Oh wow. Hi. How’s it going?
This is Jeremiah.
Hi. Daphne. .
Hi.
DOCTOR
NELL
DOCTOR
NELL
DOCTOR
NELL
DOCTOR
JEREMIAH
43.
You’ll be next
DOCTOR
(to Nell)
And are you [here for something too?]
NELL
Oh I’m not getting anything x-rayed.
I’m just a friend. Supportive friend.
So you’re like a doctor now?
DOCTOR
Just a Radiology Assistant. It’s like the x-ray man’s assistant.
Cool.
NELL
(pause)
Jeremiah grew his fingernails really long and was sorta famous until he was in this car
accident and they broke off.
You’re that guy?
Yeah.
Is that how you did this?
No.
Oh. Okay.
Well we’ll take care of you.
Thank you.
What have you been up to Daph?
Not a / lot--
DOCTOR
JEREMIAH
DOCTOR
JEREMIAH
DOCTOR
JEREMIAH
NELL
DOCTOR
NELL
I’m still at the Seaport. I moved out of my parents house about three months ago which
was cool. And yeah. Still at the Seaport so
44.
The Doctor waits for her to go on. She doesn’t.
Nice.
Yeah.
You look really good
Feel good.
I didn’t even recognize you.
Um. Thanks?
DOCTOR
NELL
DOCTOR
NELL
DOCTOR
NELL
Polite laughter.
DOCTOR
Hah. Sorry. I just meant because
Yeah. You look healthy. Which is good to see.
Pause.
Okay so we can go on back
DOCTOR
(to Jeremiah)
Everyone stands.
DOCTOR
Do you want her to come in with you?
Oh. Uh...
JEREMIAH
Nell’s cell phone rings. She looks at it.
Aw shit it’s my boss.
I should take this.
Okay.
NELL
JEREMIAH
45.
Go get your x-ray.
Okay.
I’ll just chill out here.
NELL
JEREMIAH
NELL
Jeremiah and the Doctor exit.
Nell answers her phone.
Hello?
NELL
Lights shift.
In another space the Doctor prepares Jeremiah’s arm to be x-rayed.
She turns on the x-ray machine. We here the werrrrrr of the
machine.
After a time, the x-ray of Jeremiah’s arm is projected onto the wall.
They both stand there and look at it.
It’s not broken.
Still doesn’t look right.
DOCTOR
JEREMIAH
The Doctor approaches the projection, takes a piece of chalk and
then very slowly draws enormous fingernails coming off the hand
They make the hand look unnatural and ugly, like some kind of
sickness.
The Doctor stands back. Jeremiah softly nods in approval.
The Doctor throws the chalk to the ground. It smashes into pieces.
Caitlin looks at Jeremiah. They both nod.
Then they spin the set as they did before.
While they are moving the set:
46.
JEREMIAH
Okay so I thought of a story.
In like the mid-70’s there was a Guinness World Record museum that opened in the
Empire State Building. They had life size statues of stuff. The world’s tallest man, the
largest worm. Stuff like that.
But the cool thing was that there was this guy who’s name is
...
Who’s name I don’t remember but this guy got struck by lightning like four times.
And this museum had his hat.
And the hat had these lightning holes in it.
...
The museum closed in 1995, so I never got to go.
Okay that’s it.
Jeremiah exits. Caitlin climbs onto the set.
Lights shift.
Nell and Caitlin are on the dock.
They drink beer.
NELL
I used to think about working my way up to blacksmith.
It’s by far the most popular attraction.
Everyone loves the smitty.
CAITLIN
NELL
Plus after your training you know how to like make stuff. Not just for the Seaport but for
your every day life. I could just build you something out of iron. You know?
Caitlin softly nods.
NELL
Like a...
I dunno. What’s something they make out of iron?
Bear traps.
CAITLIN
NELL
Yeah but
Like rings? Rings made out of iron?
Caitlin shrugs.
47.
NELL
Maybe I could make rings. Start my own business on the side.
CAITLIN
I don’t think they make rings out of iron.
NELL
Not engagement rings. Like badass iron rings. For those steampunk kids that hang out under
the drawbridge.
And for guys who’s masculinity is too fragile to wear a gold wedding band. They need
something made of iron! You know?
Yeah.
CAITLIN
NELL
And I would just be this fucking hot lady blacksmith -- which they’ve never even had
before by the way.
A hot lady blacksmith?
CAITLIN
NELL
Yup. It’s always been some old guy. With a sooty beard.
Classic blacksmith.
CAITLIN
NELL
But I’d be all toned and jacked from the blacksmithing.
And I would build the sweetest shit.
(she drinks)
Whatever. It wasn’t going to happen anyway. Lucas probably won’t ever retire.
That guy is gonna die a blacksmith.
...
CAITLIN
NELL
I hated being on that stupid boat all day anyway.
Yeah...
CAITLIN
NELL
He wouldn’t even let me try to fix the bed.
It only broke in like one place.
If I was a fucking blacksmith I could have fixed that thing.
48.
CAITLIN
I can see if we have anything opening at the library.
Yeah?
NELL
They drink.
And the thing with Luke?
The whole move in?
Yeah?
It’s still a go and everything?
Still a go...
Okay. Just checking.
NELL
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
NELL
Pause.
CAITLIN
What’s up with you and your fingernail guy?
NELL
I don’t fucking know man...
I just feel sorta
I don’t fucking know.
I tried to be his friend or whatever but he’s weird and distant.
...
And the sex wasn’t even that good so
Yeah.
CAITLIN
NELL
Plus I’m pretty sure I embarrassed myself so it’s whatever.
Yeah.
Did you get to see his fingernails?
CAITLIN
49.
Nah.
That sucks. I’m sorry.
NELL
CAITLIN
NELL
It’s okay, they’re probably all smashed up anyway.
He left me a voicemail and I haven’t even listened to it.
Yeah?
...
When did he leave it?
Two or three days ago.
...
...
Can I listen to it?
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
Nell pulls out her phone, looks at it and tosses it to Caitlin.
Caitlin listens to the voicemail.
Nell drinks her beer in silence.
The voicemail ends and Caitlin hands the phone back to Nell.
...
So? Weird, right?
Yeah he seems sorta weird.
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
50.
Told ya.
NELL
CAITLIN
He wants you to meet him at True Value he said.
Hah. Thanks. No.
Yeah.
NELL
CAITLIN
They drink.
CAITLIN
Said he’s got something important he wants to show you...
Shift straight into:
51.
The supply room at True Value.
Jeremiah is in a True Value uniform. He holds up some hardware
supplies for Nell. Wood, a hammer, etc.
JEREMIAH
I can provide supplies to fix the bed. I get a deal on them.
Thanks.
NELL
JEREMIAH
And the scraps are free. I can come by and help rebuild it.
NELL
Yeah I already asked if I could fix the bed. And they said no.
Oh.
And then I got fired so
JEREMIAH
NELL
Jeremiah puts the supplies down.
Yeah.
...
I’m sorry.
JEREMIAH
NELL
JEREMIAH
NELL
This is what you wanted to show me?
...
Sooo
There isn’t anything else?
...
JEREMIAH
NELL
JEREMIAH
Nell starts looking around the supply room.
52.
Fucking assholes.
I’m sorry?
JEREMIAH
NELL
JEREMIAH
It’s so fucked up they’d-You asked to fix the bed and they said no?
Uh yeah.
NELL
JEREMIAH
Oh that’s just so
That’s just exactly how it would be in this fucking town.
All the people that were
You remember when we were in high school?
All the assholes we had to put up with?
Yes.
Yeah well they’re still here.
They just don’t leave.
NELL
JEREMIAH
NELL
That’s true actually. I can’t even go to the A & P without seeing, like / five of them-A bunch of them! I know!
JEREMIAH
NELL
Or the fucking hospital. Remember that? That x-ray lady Daphne was such a fucking bitch
to me in high school. Like, I don’t want to talk to you x-ray lady! We’re not suddenly friends now!
It happens to me everyday.
JEREMIAH
NELL
It’s just like go away please. Go bother some other town.
Yes.
JEREMIAH
NELL
And you know? Their parents never leave either.
53.
Ugh the parents!
JEREMIAH
NELL
They did the exact same thing. So pathetic.
JEREMIAH
And they’re the ones, they’re the ones that that
So depressing.
NELL
JEREMIAH
These asshole parents are the ones running the weird nautical museums and firing people-NELL
Because of like a simple mistake that I said I would fix!
Exactly!
JEREMIAH
They both breathe.
Everything is the same here.
Nothing ever changes.
Yeah.
...
JEREMIAH
NELL
JEREMIAH
NELL
But actually the butter factory burned down so that’s not really true.
Wait, the...
JEREMIAH
NELL
Butter Factory.. Like to the ground. Like all the way. Yeah.
So that’s different.
Um. Wow.
How did that happen?
JEREMIAH
54.
NELL
You know? I don’t know actually. But it was bad.
Firefighters were running around like crazy.
Then all this melted butter just started flooding the streets.
It was disgusting. They had to sandbag the Mystic River so it didn’t completely
contaminate. That’s how much butter there was.
Whoa.
JEREMIAH
NELL
And all the firefighters needed new suits afterward because they were all just covered in
butter.
That’s sort of hilarious.
JEREMIAH
NELL
I know.
But also the factory burned down so a lot of people lost their jobs.
Like hundreds of people so
Oh. Yeah. I didn’t
They made a movie about it.
Oh wow.
JEREMIAH
NELL
JEREMIAH
NELL
Just some kid at SHS. It kind of sucked actually.
I want to see it.
JEREMIAH
NELL
That was one of the biggest butter factories in the world.
No.
JEREMIAH
NELL
Okay not the world. That was a joke obviously but the biggest in the country probably.
55.
No.
Sorry to like [shut you down]
It’s just not the biggest.
I’ve seen bigger ones.
Oh.
JEREMIAH
NELL
JEREMIAH
It was just a normal sized butter factory. Very averaged sized.
Okay.
NELL
(pause)
Someone told me it was one of the bigger ones. So...
Nell looks around.
So actually there is something else.
That I wanted to show you.
JEREMIAH
Jeremiah takes a deep breath. Prepares himself.
Then moves over to a shelf.
He reaches down in back somewhere and pulls out a big long box.
He puts it on the bench.
Oh no fucking way.
NELL
He opens it. It’s the fingernails.
They almost look like white pieces of broken chalk. Something in
between maybe.
Damn.
They didn’t get all smashed up.
Not all the way.
Can I
NELL
JEREMIAH
NELL
56.
What.
...
You want to touch them?
JEREMIAH
NELL
JEREMIAH
(moved)
She nods.
Go ahead.
JEREMIAH
She reaches and touches one.
Whoa.
NELL
JEREMIAH
You can pick them up if you want.
She does.
NELL
They’re sorta heavy. For fingernails I mean.
Yeah.
JEREMIAH
Nell looks down at them.
She looks at her own fingernails.
She puts his old fingernails on top of her fingernails and sort of
walks around. She tries to imagine what it would be like to have
these on all the time.
She looks over at Jeremiah and his normal hands.
How come yours grew so fast?
NELL
JEREMIAH
They don’t really know.
Keratin protein.
Your nails are really just layers of dead cells.
57.
The more protein you have the faster it will grow, the more dead cells you have the
stronger they’ll be.
And you had both?
NELL
He nods.
Lucky...
NELL
She puts the nail back in the case.
She takes his hand and looks at his nails.
They won’t grow now.
Because of the accident?
JEREMIAH
NELL
He shrugs.
NELL
(looking at the smashed up fingernails)
I guess you couldn’t really do much.
I couldn’t do anything.
Like have sex with anybody.
Or like
Shoot a gun.
Whoa.
Not-Not like at someone.
Like in a field. Into the air.
It was just an example.
JEREMIAH
NELL
JEREMIAH
NELL
JEREMIAH
Jeremiah starts cleaning up the supplies he brought out.
58.
Nell looks at the fingernails.
Or like drugs.
Huh?
I didn’t get to do any drugs.
Oh.
JEREMIAH
NELL
JEREMIAH
NELL
JEREMIAH
When you’re in high school it’s socially acceptable to do drugs. And also college.
Everyone was doing drugs together and I couldn’t because I had super long fingernails.
I dunno...
I hear you.
NELL
JEREMIAH
I’m never ever gonna know what coke is like.
It’s not the end of the world but
Just another example...
He shrugs. Continues to clean.
It’s not all that great honestly.
What.
Cocaine.
Oh. You’ve...?
Yeah so
Sorry. I didn’t know you had
Um
NELL
JEREMIAH
NELL
JEREMIAH
NELL
JEREMIAH
59.
No it’s cool.
NELL
JEREMIAH
This is weirdly proving my point though.
Yeah.
So you’ve done coke and like...
Ummm
Sorta some of everything honestly.
So like
Shrooms?
Yeah.
Um. Oxy?
Yeah.
Damn.
Yeah.
Heroin?
Yup.
Whoa.
NELL
JEREMIAH
NELL
JEREMIAH
NELL
JEREMIAH
NELL
JEREMIAH
NELL
JEREMIAH
NELL
JEREMIAH
NELL
Yeah. It was shitty. I was an idiot.
I had this boyfriend in high school who, in retrospect, was a total shit stack.
We did a lot of drugs.
60.
I’m not like an addict though.
No no!
(pause)
JEREMIAH
NELL
I’m not like some junkie.
It was like
Whatever. We’d sit in his attic and we would do drugs. Heroin was one of those drugs.
It was stupid. We were bored.
Pause.
In his attic?
JEREMIAH
NELL
Not like an attic attic. You didn’t have to pull a thing-y down to get into it.
It was like a loft?
JEREMIAH
Oh.
And did he shoot it between your toes or something?
What? No! / What?
Sorry. I heard that somewhere.
Gross.
Sorry sorry.
I would shoot it myself..
Right.
NELL
JEREMIAH
NELL
JEREMIAH
NELL
JEREMIAH
Pause.
How many times?
JEREMIAH
61.
NELL
We can talk about something else.
This is pretty much my least favorite subject.
Right right, sorry.
...
JEREMIAH
NELL
JEREMIAH
I should probably get back to work here soon.
Nell holds some of the hardware supplies sitting on the table.
NELL
Know what we should do?
We should use this stuff to build a display case for that thing I was talking about.
Display case?
JEREMIAH
NELL
A display case to put your fingernails in. For your exhibit.
Oh.
Ehhh I don’t really-Dude.
JEREMIAH
NELL
JEREMIAH
No one wants to see these. They’re gross.
NELL
They’re awesome. People are into this kind of shit. People will come.
People go to Ashrita’s store in Queens all the time just to be near him.
What?
We can do this.
It’s stupid.
JEREMIAH
NELL
JEREMIAH
62.
NELL
It’s not.
And I have, like, time now so I can plan the whole thing. I have the connects. Let me help
you make this thing.
...
JEREMIAH
NELL
So here. We do it at my sister’s library. In the lobby area? Like that huge area?
There’s the long display case in the middle. People come in and it’s the first thing they see.
Then along the walls is like your biographical stuff. Like the stuff you were saying about the
proteins? That’s there.
That’s on the wall with pictures and stuff. Like a real exhibit.
...
No?
Sorry.
Not for these people.
JEREMIAH
NELL
JEREMIAH
NELL
That’s the point though! You did something. You accomplished something.
JEREMIAH
I don’t want those people looking at / them-NELL
The assholes that still live here have done nothing.
Nell--
JEREMIAH
NELL
None of us have done anything. You can’t just-JEREMIAH
I DON’T WANT TO SHOW THEM MY FUCKING FINGERNAILS OKAY?
...
...
Lights shift.
63.
Caitlin comes forward to the microphone.
CAITLIN TOUR GUIDE
Later that night Nell gets a call from Jeremiah. Instead of ignoring it, she picks it up and he
says:
I’m sorry. I’m truly sorry.
I want to do the exhibit.
JEREMIAH
CAITLIN TOUR GUIDE
Nell doesn’t say:
What changed your mind? or Are you sure?
She says:
Good. Let’s get to work.
NELL
CAITLIN TOUR GUIDE
And they do.
For a few hours every day, while Jeremiah sells paint, Nell works on the case for the
fingernails in the supply room at True Value.
Nell works on the case.
CAITLIN TOUR GUIDE
On his break or when it’s slow, Jeremiah comes and helps.
They work on the case together.
CAITLIN TOUR GUIDE
At the Emporium Nell finds old velvet pillows to rest the fingernails on.
Jeremiah begins going through pictures from his appearances up and down the east coast.
Here’s one from when he was asked to speak at the Atlantic City Ripley’s Believe It or Not
museum.
Here’s one from when he was in the Fourth of July parade in Jacksonville, Florida.
Here’s his Yahoo Odd News feature article.
Though it’s difficult, he takes Nell through the details of the car crash. She tells him it’s an
important aspect to let their audience share.
And he trusts her.
JEREMIAH
And the car in front of us
This utility vehicle with a bunch of
Bunch of junk strapped to it
Suddenly this ladder gets dislodged from it and flies off the truck and lands
It lands directly in front of us.
Right in the middle of 95.
64.
There was nothing we could do. There was no time.
...
When I woke up they told me I had been ejected.
And I looked down and saw my hands
And I knew the very worst thing had happened.
He stands there and looks down.
Nell gets up from her chair, comes to him and puts her hand on his
shoulder.
CAITLIN TOUR GUIDE
They coordinate with Caitlin and set a date for the exhibit opening.
Nell’s roommate Raj knows an intern at Action News 8. Raj makes a few calls and pulls a
few strings and on Monday Action News 8 is there at True Value filming an interview.
Under Caitlin’s narration, Jeremiah and Nell recite interview
answers.
CAITLIN NARRATOR
They’re both really happy
with the segment when it
airs that night.
JEREMIAH
I just think it’s a great
opportunity to share my
experience with... (etc.)
CAITLIN TOUR GUIDE
Caitlin closes the library an hour early the night of their opening so Jeremiah and Nell can
move all their materials into the lobby.
Foam boards, a full standee of Jeremiah when he still was going for the record, and of
course: the case.
It all came together better than they could have hoped.
Nell changes her outfit in the bathroom.
She’s surprised to see that Jeremiah wore a tie.
And that be brought champagne.
Jeremiah tries to pop the bottle. He can’t.
Nell takes it and pops the bottle.
CAITLIN TOUR GUIDE
They stand there together with a half hour to spare before the doors open.
While Caitlin changes the ink cartridge on the copier so they can finish printing the
programs, Nell and Jeremiah toast.
They toast.
We did it.
NELL
65.
You did it.
Thanks Nell.
JEREMIAH
They drink.
Lights down.
A REPAIRMAN appears and works on the box that motors the
spinning of the set.
It takes him a few minutes but then he jiggers something and hits
the button. It works!
The Repairman takes his tool box and exits as the set spins to
reveal:
The end of the dock.
Nell is laying face down on the dock. Caitlin is rubbing her back.
They’re both super drunk.
Higher...
Higher...
A little to the left.
Ohhhhhh fuck.
Whoa.
That. Yes.
NELL
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
It’s like there’s a
Like a Capri Sun packet in your back. Filled with glue.
Ugggh don’t stop.
NELL
Caitlin rubs.
Is it a knot or a tumor?
NELL
66.
It’s a knot. You’re fine.
Okay.
CAITLIN
NELL
Caitlin rubs.
NELL
Jeremiah sang me a song. Right before we opened.
Oh wow. Does he sing?
CAITLIN
NELL
No.
I think it was sort of a thank you or something.
What song?
CAITLIN
NELL
I don’t think I should tell you. It was sort of private.
Was it Billy Joel?
...
I read Billy Joel all over that guy.
...
...
It was Billy Joel actually.
Brutal.
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
NELL
I know right? Still
It was sorta sweet I guess. He meant for it to be sweet.
67.
Caitlin rubs.
NELL
Was this whole thing like so embarrassing?
No.
Should I just fucking kill myself?
Stop.
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
NELL
I mean like
Should I just die? From embarrassment?
It was totally fine.
CAITLIN
Pause.
Okay.
NELL
Jeremiah enters. He is also super drunk.
Caitlin looks at him.
Your fly is down.
Whoa.
CAITLIN
JEREMIAH
He zips it up.
The fog horn blows.
Jeremiah finds a seat and collapses into it.
Caitlin rubs.
Jeremiah drinks.
That was sort of embarrassing.
JEREMIAH
68.
...
...
At least your parents came.
CAITLIN
NELL
JEREMIAH
NELL
I should have updated the Facebook event more.
I should have put up more pictures or like polls or something.
I think you can do polls now.
...
Fuck.
It’s okay.
CAITLIN
Jeremiah drinks the rest of his beer.
Anyone want another beer?
Yes. Me.
I think you’re fine.
JEREMIAH
NELL
CAITLIN
NELL
Maybe in a sec Jeremiah. Thanks though.
Jeremiah cracks a beer for himself.
He takes a long swig.
Caitlin watches him.
You okay?
...
...
CAITLIN
JEREMIAH
CAITLIN
69.
JEREMIAH
Seeing those things on velvet pillows
Behind glass.
All brown and cracked...
That’s not what fingernails are supposed to look like.
I wouldn’t come to see that either.
...
I feel sorta sick.
Like you’re gonna puke?
No.
I don’t know. Maybe.
...
Hey Nell?
I think she’s asleep.
CAITLIN
JEREMIAH
CAITLIN
Caitlin softly rubs her back. Nell snores lightly.
Oh.
JEREMIAH
Jeremiah drinks.
CAITLIN
Jeremiah why did you grow your fingernails so long.
JEREMIAH
I think there was an explanation on one of the poster boards.
I still don’t get it.
CAITLIN
Pause.
JEREMIAH
I guess...
Really I just couldn’t keep ‘em short. No matter how much I tried.
And even though I would cut them, sometimes every single night, when people saw my
hands they’d still be like: whoa.
Meaning like: that’s fucking disgusting. Not like they were impressed.
No one is impressed by fingernails for some reason.
And I’d be like: It’s just proteins. Okay? It’s fine. They’re dead cells and mine just grow this
way. I’m sorry.
70.
I’m sorry they don’t look the way you think they should.
...
I hate them too.
...
So one day in high school I was just like: Fuck it.
I’m done trying. Let’s see how long they can get.
So I stopped cutting them.
And that’s pretty much it.
CAITLIN
I’m sorry no one came to your exhibit.
He takes a swig of beer.
Do you want another beer?
No.
JEREMIAH
CAITLIN
Jeremiah stumbles up and gets another beer.
JEREMIAH
This isn’t as much fun as I thought it would be.
(he looks over at Nell)
She okay?
Yeah.
What do you mean.
Yeah she’s fine.
CAITLIN
JEREMIAH
I mean like that no one cares about this thing she did.
People care.
They just, like
CAITLIN
She trails off searching for the word.
Yeah.
She’ll be okay.
JEREMIAH
CAITLIN
71.
JEREMIAH
She has a sister. You guys take care of each other.
I don’t really have that sort of thing.
It’s more complicated than that.
CAITLIN
JEREMIAH
I know it’s complicated. She told me all about it.
About what.
CAITLIN
JEREMIAH
About the attic and the
I just don’t really get why she wanted to do all of this.
She’s really into world records.
CAITLIN
JEREMIAH
But they’re my nails. Why doesn’t she try to grow her own or see if she can build the
fucking biggest, like
Drink the most juice boxes, I dunno!
She doesn’t like juice.
CAITLIN
JEREMIAH
She can just find her own thing. Like I did.
Jeremiah drinks.
CAITLIN
Dude. Your nails are weird. They are really fucking weird.
And I have no idea why Nell is into them. Like no idea.
But it makes her happy. And so I’m thankful.
And you should be too. Because you met someone who wanted to help you share / this
with people-JEREMIAH
Which I wish just hadn’t happened-CAITLIN
Why? Because no one came?
No one gives a shit about my shit.
No one gives a shit about her shit.
You should be thanking the fucking miracle that is my sister for caring.
72.
Listen, it sucks your fingernails won’t grow back.
It sucks you’re like everyone else now.
But you just need to get used to it.
You need to be thankful?
And be quiet.
She finishes her beer, crushes it.
Jeremiah sits there looking straight forward. He dare not glance at
her. Then slowly he does out of the corner of his eye.
He rises slowly from his chair and gets her another beer.
He holds it out for her.
She takes it, maybe nods? Nah fuck this guy.
She cracks the beer open.
JEREMIAH
So I actually have a theory on why she’s so into the fingernail / thing-CAITLIN
Keep it to yourself.
I don’t wanna know why she’s into it.
I don’t want to put words to it.
Sometimes people just need things.
JEREMIAH
That doesn’t mean we can’t put words to it.
CAITLIN
Yes it does.
It fucks it up. The universe could become aware and fuck it up.
She used to be
Like, really sick. She was in an unhealthy place and now she’s doing a lot better.
If your weird fingernails are helping, then great.
But I can’t say that out loud.
It’s too delicate.
I’ve already said too much.
...
...
...
JEREMIAH
CAITLIN
JEREMIAH
73.
Yeah. Perfect.
CAITLIN
She drinks.
The fog horn blows.
JEREMIAH
I heard this thing was a safety hazard.
Don’t worry about it Jeremiah.
CAITLIN
They sit there for a moment.
Suddenly the dock breaks underneath them and smashes into the
cove.
74.
CAITLIN TOUR GUIDE
Before Nell hit the water when that dock broke
She had a dream that her fingernails grew.
And her toenails grew.
And she couldn’t break them off, even though she wanted to.
They didn’t break not even in a car crash.
And when she hit the water someone took care of her.
And she had the worst hangover.
Or maybe she was still drunk.
Or maybe she was in between.
And she looked around and they were all in the hospital.
But the only one hurt was Jeremiah
And Nell wasn’t surprised because she was finally learning that Jeremiah was maybe the
most fragile person she’d ever met.
And she felt worse the more they sat there
And Daphne took x-rays
And said that everything was okay
And everyone went home.
And Nell felt better after she slept.
But she didn’t see Jeremiah for two and a half weeks.
And when she ran into him one night at Noah’s he told her
JEREMIAH
Sorry I’ve been so blah blah
I got a job in blah blah doing blahhhhhh and I have to move away right now directly.
CAITLIN TOUR GUIDE
And he got in a car and drove and Nell was like
Nell walks over to the box that powers the set’s rotation and begins
to smash it.
Fuck this.
Fuck this.
Fuck this.
NELL
(smashes)
(smashes)
(smashes)
CAITLIN TOUR GUIDE
But he drove and he drove and that was it.
Which ended up being fine actually.
And part of her was happy no one had come to the exhibit.
And the same part of her was happy that those cracked disgusting fingernails weren’t in
Stonington anymore.
And she got a job at the Mystic Cycle Centre
And she drove the twenty foot truck and carried even more boxes than Luke.
75.
And Fuck is it 11 o’clock already?
And her car was low on gas.
And there was a new Radiohead album.
And she got up right before her alarm.
And What’s a vacation? Ha-ha-ha.
And Facebook.
And Noah’s
And Feel the Bern
And Where’d that broken glass come from?
And cigarette smoke.
And Avoid the wind energy solicitors without looking like a dick
And I need to text Caitlin back
And What’s the Wifi password?
And Caitlin called.
And Ahh that fucking mask.
And Sufjan.
And drinks with Caitlin
And time with Caitlin
And Caitlin
Her sister Caitlin
...
And the ship...
Nell steps down from the set and, together with Caitlin, they spin
the set to reveal:
The lower deck of the Charles W. Morgan
Nell and Caitlin both sit there in period costume.
The broken bed is mid-construction and is roped off with yellow
caution tape. They sit on the ground or on boxes.
I’m familiar.
CAITLIN
NELL
I only just found out about them recently but they’re super good. They’re super smart.
Agreed.
Like I’m trying to think of one...
That’s / okay--
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
76.
NELL
Oh! Like the one that’s this older lady and she’s got two dogs. And she’s shoveling their dog
food into their bowl. And the two dogs are looking on all excited, waiting for her to be
done and one of them says, like “Oh boy! It’s dog food again!”
Oh yeah.
CAITLIN
NELL
Because dogs do that. They freak out every time they get food.
Oh man.
I get it. It’s good. Dogs.
Stuff like that. It gets me.
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
We have Far Side books at the library. Like a bunch.
Right. So you know.
NELL
They sit in silence for a moment.
This is awesome.
Yeah. Thanks.
I mean it sucks about our dock.
I know.
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
The two of us and that thing was so solid.
Man so solid.
NELL
CAITLIN
But the two of us plus one asshole and what happens?
77.
Busted.
NELL
CAITLIN
Fucking busted.
But still...
This is awesome. We’re on a ship. We’re on the ocean.
We are.
NELL
CAITLIN
And I can’t believe your costume fits me.
Told you.
NELL
CAITLIN
Thanks for sneaking me down here.
Yeah. Duh.
NELL
CAITLIN
We should cheers or something.
You sure you don’t want me to run out and grab a six pack?
NELL
Nah I’m good.
Let’s just sit here. I like just sitting here.
Okay.
CAITLIN
The ship softly creaks as it rocks back and forth.
Whoa.
It’s cool right?
Yeah.
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
NELL
So what’s the weirdest place you’ve had sex?
78.
Aww Nell.
What? It’s a question.
Gross. Come on.
Question!
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
Stop. I know why you’re asking me.
You banged that guy down here.
What? No!
...
NELL
CAITLIN
NELL
Wait how’d you know I banged that guy down here.
CAITLIN
You told me!
When your ass was wasted after the exhibit way back.
Ohhhhhh
Lol sorry.
...
...
NELL
NELL
CAITLIN
NELL
Okay but come on, this is pretty good, right? A whaling ship?
Yeesh.
CAITLIN
NELL
You think I’m the first person to have sex on this ship?
79.
I don’t know.
No.
Possible.
Okay come on. You go.
I don’t know.
Just the first thing you think of.
I said I don’t know.
The beach?
Nice.
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
No that sucks. I have a better one. Okay so
...
Oh. This sounds kind of weird but in a tree one time?
What? With who?
Roger Blanchard.
NO. FUCKING. WAY.
I know right?
NELL
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
NELL
Waitwait. You had sex with Roger Blanchard in a tree?
Yup.
How do you even do that?
CAITLIN
NELL
80.
CAITLIN
It was sort of a huge tree. And had this one big arm thingy.
Amazing.
Thanks.
NELL
CAITLIN
They sit there.
NELL
Nothing good with what’s-his-name?
Luke.
Yahh.
Not really. Just traditional spaces.
Bed. Shower.
Right.
Living room a couple times.
Right right.
One time.
...
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
Things recently haven’t really been all that uhh
Pause.
What.
NELL
81.
...
...
CAITLIN
NELL
They sit there.
I think Raj might move out.
Hm
NELL
CAITLIN
NELL
I think. I don’t know actually. Got a feeling though
Just in case you uh
...
...
Good to know.
I got you.
I know / you do--
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
Suddenly there is a sound coming from the upper deck.
What was that?
What.
CAITLIN
NELL
They listen. There it is again.
Someone is walking around above them.
Aw shit.
NELL
82.
Is that a person?
Everything is okay.
Okay but what the-Nell!
CAITLIN
NELL
(getting up)
CAITLIN
Nell walks over and flips off the lights.
Everything is in completely darkness.
Here come over here.
NELL
We hear them shuffle.
What if they come down here.
They won’t. It’s fine.
CAITLIN
(whispering)
NELL
They sit for a long time.
The steps above shuffle along. They start and stop with very long
pauses in between.
As soon as we might think they’re gone, we hear the steps again.
Now they’re farther away. They fade. They fade.
Long pause.
I think he’s gone.
...
Nell?
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
83.
He’s still up there.
NELL
Long pause.
They hear nothing.
He’s gone. Let’s get out of here.
We used to do this in the attic.
Nell.
When his mom came home.
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
NELL
CAITLIN
What the fuck are you talking about.
NELL
I could just sense when she was close. Before we even heard her.
Then her car would pull into the driveway and we’d all hit the lights, hide everything, and
just sit there.
Just sit in the dark and wait.
We did it like a hundred times.
And we never got caught, because I was always right.
Here listen.
They listen.
Nothing.
A small creak.
Nell!
Sh!
CAITLIN
NELL
Nothing.
Then softly, very very softly, we hear the steps again.
Now they’re getting closer.
84.
We hear Caitlin tense. Nell calms her down somehow.
The steps start to walk down the stairs leading to the lower cabin.
Caitlin tries to make a break for it. Nell holds her in place.
The steps are on the other side of the door.
Long long pause.
The door opens. On the other side of it is a silhouette holding a
blinding flashlight.
The flashlight points at Caitlin and Nell. They hold their hands up
and squint their eyes.
...
...
Nell into the microphone.
NELL NARRATOR
And for a moment I imagined that sound above us was Jeremiah.
That he drove back to Stonington and parked on Holmes street and jumped the fence like I
taught him.
That he made his way through the dark to the ship and climbed down here to find me.
But it wasn’t Jeremiah...
The shadowy figure steps forward and is bathed in light.
The actor who played Jeremiah looks different now. Maybe it’s
profound, maybe he just has a fake mustache on.
NELL NARRATOR
It was Ashita Furman.
Ashrita is a 62 year old health food store manager in Jamaica Queens.
He also holds the more world records than anyone ever. Two hundred and sixteen.
The fastest mile while balancing a baseball bat, the longest distance cycled underwater, and
highest jump on the shortest pogo stick. That was all him. Ashrita.
And here he was on my ship.
They look at each other.
And when he finally spoke he said
NELL NARRATOR
85.
ASHRITA
I’ve been looking for you
Nell.
NELL
I’ve been looking for you
Nell.
NELL NARRATOR
And I couldn’t believe he knew my name.
But he came to me and took my hand and asked me what I wanted more than anything.
And I told him.
So together we got on a plane that took us to Paris which is so so so far away from
Stonington and we weren’t ever going to come back.
The set rotates to reveal Paris.
NELL NARRATOR
And we lived in a small chateau overlooking the Champs-Elysees. And every summer we
would watch the Tour du France from little balcony and ate crepes and shit.
And when we weren’t in Paris we were traveling the world setting world records.
The set continues to rotate to reveal all of the following. A trophy
case?
NELL NARRATOR
Thousands and thousands of world records. Everyday a new one.
Soon I had even more than Ashrita.
Rotate to a boat in the middle of the ocean?
But then one day, in the middle of the Pacific ocean, something very horrible happened.
We were trying to be the first people to swim to the very very bottom of the ocean.
And we had done it! After months of training we had done it. But as we came back up to
the surface Ashrita couldn’t hold his breathe any longer and he panicked.
He came up too quickly.
When he got to the surface we realized that he had bubbles in his blood.
The doctors told us there was nothing we could do.
Rotate to the small chateau in Paris.
NELL NARRATOR
So we returned to our chateau so he could be somewhere that made him happy.
And on the night he died, as he lay there, I said to him
“Ashrita, why did we do all this? Don’t you know no one cares? Don’t you know they’re
laughing at us and none of this actually means anything?”
And he touched my hair and said
No.
ASHRITA
NELL NARRATOR
No.
86.
NELL NARRATOR
And he told me about his childhood. How he was obsessed with world records -- just like I
was -- but he didn’t ever think he’d break one.
Because who was he? He was just Ashrita. He was nobody.
That changed though when he was 16 and decided to participate in a 24-hour bike race
around Central Park.
With basically no training Ashrita somehow managed to place first after cycling 405 miles.
Four hundred and five miles...
Then he said
ASHRITA
As I climbed off my
bicycle, I realized that it
wasn’t my body that had
cycled that distance, and it
isn’t my body that breaks
these world records. It is
my spirit.
NELL NARRATOR
As I climbed off my
bicycle, I realized that it
wasn’t my body that had
cycled that distance, and it
isn’t my body that breaks
these world records. It is
my spirit.
Ashrita dies.
Nell lifts the blanket and puts it over his head.
She steps away and the set rotates.
It returns to the ship in Stonington.
Caitlin is still there waiting for her.
Nell turns and sits next to her sister.
The ship softly rocks and creaks in the water.
...
...
Then the set begins to spin all on its own. It spins and reveals every
lonely place we’ve seen over the course of the play: the dock, True
Value, the library, the hospital.
And then it spins and reveals some places we’ve never seen before.
It spins faster and faster until all is a blur.
Lights fade.
END OF PLAY.