Chapter 5
Changing Your Thinking
ABC Model
ABC Model—Albert Ellis
ABC Model (cont.)
Often we’re not assertive in a particular situation because our
feelings and reactions to the behavior of the other interferes with our
ability to think clearly and act assertively.
Most people mistakenly believe that A (the situation or person)
directly causes C (the feelings or behaviors).
Something very important occurs between A
and C that influences your feelings and behavior
significantly:
you think.
You might think about:
A—Activating Event
↓
↓
Presumedly Leads Directly to
↓
↓
C—Your Feelings and
Behaviors in situation
Asking a person for a date
Yourself
The other person
The situation itself
Feelings: Excessively
upset and anxious
Behaviors: Fidget, hesitate,
be defensive, indirect, or not
ask the other person for a
date.
Sometimes you’re aware of your internal
dialogue (thinking) and other times it happens so
quickly and subtly that you’re mostly unaware of
it.
ABC Model—Dr. Albert Ellis--REBT
Activating Event Your Thinking
Feelings/Behaviors
Your
A→→→→→→B→→→→→→→C
1
Rational Thinking vs. Irrational Thinking
Rational vs. Irrational Thinking
The thinking at point B can be rational or irrational.
Rational thinking is:
Reasonable
Self-enhancing
Logical
Accurate
Realistic
Rational Thinking vs. Irrational Thinking
Common components of irrational thinking are the
tendency to:
1. Turn wants or preferences (including strong ones) into
absolute, vital needs.
2. Convince yourself that if the need isn’t met, it will be
awful, terrible, catastrophic, unbearable, and the end of
the world.
3. Draw incorrect conclusions.
4. Not consider the evidence.
5. Automatically attribute negative motives to other
people.
6. Focus exclusively on self-deprecating thoughts.
Irrational thinking is:
Catastrophic
Self-defeating
Illogical
Inaccurate
Unrealistic
Absolutist
Rational Thinking vs. Irrational Thinking
Most of us think irrationally some of the time.
It’s often a subtle process that ultimately leads either to
nonassertive or aggressive behaviors.
Some of the consequences of inaccurate, irrational
thinking are being likely to:
Misperceive reality,
Create unnecessary distance and conflict between ourselves
and others,
Prevent the accomplishment of our own goals,
Experience more inner turmoil, sadness, or anger than we
can manage,
Avoid expressing opinions, feelings, and preferences,
Avoid acting on many of our personal rights, or
Neglect to respect the rights of others.
2
Rationalizations vs. Rational Thinking
Rationalizations vs. Rational
Thinking
Rationalizations are:
Conning or convincing
ourselves that we
shouldn’t feel badly
about things and that
we should always focus
more positively even to
the point of denying
reality.
Rational thinking also
attempts to alter
excessive emotional
reactions (rage,
depression, anxiety), but
does it without pretending
that things are great.
Rational thinking doesn’t
reject negative thoughts
nor focus only on positive
thinking.
It looks for what is
accurate, accepts it, and
makes every effort to
improve upon the
situation even when there
are limited options.
Examples of Irrational Thinking vs. Rational Thinking vs. Rationalization (Fig. 9)
Irrational Thinking (excessive
concern and inaccurate
perception of reality
Rational Thinking
(honest, appropriate
concern and accurate
perception of reality)
Rationalization (denial of
concern and inaccurate
perception of reality)
I must…
I’ve got to…
What if…that would be awful,
terrible, unbearable, horrible.
I couldn’t stand it if…
I would like very much
to…
If I am liked/competent,
that’s great.
If I am not, that’s
unfortunate but I can live
with it.
I will do everything I can
to…
If I am treated unfairly, I
might be angry, but I do
not have to overreact.
If things do not go the
way I want, I might be
disappointed, but I do
not have to become
excessively depressed,
angry, or anxious.
I feel lucky…
It’ll all work out by itself.
It doesn’t bother me
that…
No sweat…
Everything’s fine…
I didn’t want _____
anyway.
It wouldn’t have done
any good anyway, if I …
4 Steps to Dealing with
Upsetting Feelings Before and
After the Encounter
3
4 Steps to Dealing with Upsetting Feelings
Before and After Encounters
1. Discover your inner dialogues.
2. Identify the underlying irrational
assumptions of the inner dialogues.
3. Accept what is true and accurate.
4. Change those thoughts and
assumptions that are irrational and
inaccurate and substitute more accurate,
rational thoughts.
1. Discover Your Inner Dialogues
Become aware of the kinds of thoughts you have in specific situations.
At first it may be difficult to stop what you’re doing (being excessively
angry, upset, or depressed) and start thinking about what you were
thinking.
Practice:
Think of a situation that occurred during the last week in which you believe
you didn’t handle well because you became excessively angry, anxious, or
depressed.
Then, try to recall what you were thinking before and during the time you
were feeling so strongly.
If you have trouble recalling the dialogue, recall how you were feeling.
Start with the basic four feelings: mad, sad, glad, or scared.
“I felt that…” or “I felt like…” are not feelings, but thoughts.
I felt ___________ because ______________.
Using Feelings to Cover Up or Avoid Other Worse Feelings
It can be more difficult to get at underlying feelings and the irrational
thinking when you use your feelings to avoid other feelings.
I.e. anger to cover up fear or hurt.
2. Identify the Underlying Irrational Assumptions of the Inner Dialogues
1. Discover Your Inner Dialogues (cont.)
Excessive Feelings
Generally lead to nonassertive or aggressive behavior.
“Excessive” should not be confused with “intense.”
Intense feelings can be quiet, appropriate, self-enhancing, and
compatible with assertive behavior.
I.e. intense love or intense sadness.
Identify the thoughts that prompted the feelings, check them for
irrational components, and assess whether your feelings are barriers
to more assertive behavior.
If the feelings are inappropriate or undesirable, you have several
ways to alter them by changing how you think about them.
Mild feelings of being embarrassed, helpless, vulnerable, afraid,
weak, bored, sad, frustrated, timid, or hurt can also be inappropriate
or incompatible with assertive behavior even though they are not
intense.
When these feelings are the result of inaccurate thinking that leads
to self-defeating behaviors, they would be undesirable and
incompatible with assertive behavior.
Irrational Idea #1: You must—yes, must—have sincere love and approval almost all the
time from all the people you find significant.
#2: You must prove yourself thoroughly competent, adequate, and achieving, or you
must at least have real competence or talent at something important.
#3: You have to view life as awful, terrible, horrible, or catastrophic when things do not
go the way you would like them to go.
#4: People who harm you or commit misdeeds rate as generally bad, wicked, or
villainous individuals, and you should severely blame, damn, and punish them for their
sins.
#5: If something seems dangerous or fearsome, you must become terribly occupied
with and upset about it.
#6: People and things should turn out better than they do, and you have to view it as
awful and horrible if you do not quickly find good solutions to life’s hassles.
#7: Emotional misery comes from external pressures, and you have little ability to
control your feelings or rid yourself of depression and hostility.
#8: You will find it easier to avoid facing many of life’s difficulties and selfresponsibilities than to undertake more rewarding forms of self-discipline.
#9: Your past remains all-important and because something once strongly influenced
your life, it has to keep determining your feelings and behavior today.
#10: You can achieve happiness by inertia and inaction or by passively and
uncommittedly “enjoying yourself.”
4
Irrational Idea #1: You must—yes, must—have sincere love and approval
almost all the time from all the people you find significant.
People who think that assertiveness will result in
disapproval are likely to seldom express their opinions;
avoid conflict even when others violate their rights; and
rarely express personal desires, preferences, or feelings.
Some rational alternatives to an excessive need for
approval are:
I would like to be approved of by every significant person, but I
do not need such approval.
If I am not approved of by someone I would like to have like me, I
can try to figure out what it is that person does not like about the
way I behave and decide whether or not I want to change.
If I decide that this rejection is not based on an inappropriate
behavior on my part, I can find others I can enjoy being with.
I can determine what I want to do rather than simply adapt or
react to what I think others want.
Irrational Idea #3: You have to view life as awful, terrible, horrible, or
catastrophic when things do not go the way you would like them to go.
When people act on this irrational assumption, they feel
and act like victims.
A rational alternative to feeling victimized is:
Telling yourself, “This person has really treated me badly, and I
don’t like the situation or that person’s behavior. I can help
myself by asking myself what I can do to change either. If I can’t
change either, it is frustrating but not the end of the world. I can
begin to make plans for making my life as desirable and as
enjoyable as I can.”
Irrational Idea #2: You must prove yourself thoroughly competent, adequate,
and achieving, or you must at least have real competence or talent at
something important.
Absolutist thinking that has led some people to be
extremely anxious, to the point of being unwilling to
make a presentation at a conference; avoiding social
interaction for fear of having nothing worthwhile to say;
etc.
Some rational alternatives to counteract the need to be
perfect are:
I would like to be perfect or best at this task, but I do not need to be.
I’m still successful when I do things imperfectly.
What I do doesn’t have to be perfect in order to be good.
I may be happier if I am successful, but success does not determine my
worth as a person unless I let it.
I will be happier if I attempt to achieve at a realistic level rather than a
perfect level.
I still want to achieve and to be successful. If I am, I will likely be
happier, and if I am not successful, I probably will be unhappy, but I do
not have to be depressed and miserable.
It is impossible for anyone to be perfectly competent.
Above all, if I demand that I be perfect, I will always be pushing or
worrying so that I will slip; instead, if I do what I want and what I enjoy
as well as I can, I’ll feel happier and perform better.
Irrational Idea #4: People who harm you or commit misdeeds rate as
generally bad, wicked, or villainous individuals, and you should severely
blame, damn, and punish them for their sins.
People who act on this belief constantly criticize others for their incompetence,
lack of sensitivity, or their ignorance; constantly question the motives of others
or excessively berate persons who have been unfair; treat others as worthless
individuals who deserve damnation because they don’t raise their children
properly, drink too much, have not succeeded in their careers or education, or
do not do their work efficiently or effectively.
Some rational alternatives for dealing with misdeeds are:
I can tell people firmly and directly how their behavior has negative effects
on me, and I don’t have to go so far as to personally punish them for their
behavior. I may feel irritated or hurt, but I don’t have to berate that person.
When I do punish someone, it costs me too in energy, and it seldom
facilitates correction or change.
Just because I think something is wrong doesn’t automatically mean it is
wrong.
I (or others) may have behaved obnoxiously, unfairly, or incompetently, but
that does not mean that I (or others) always will.
I can recognize and admit my own (or others’) wrong acts, and I can work
hard to correct this misdeed or have others correct this misdeed or it future
occurrence.
5
Irrational Idea #5: If something seems dangerous or fearsome, you must
become terribly occupied with and upset about it.
Leads to unrealistic anxiety instead of reasonable
concern and fear (the kind of fear that keeps people from
playing on freeways and exposing themselves to other
real dangers).
Unrealistic anxiety leads to preoccupation, which actually
interferes with the clear thinking that would lead to
control of a dangerous or fearsome situation.
Some rational alternatives to dealing with danger are:
It’s impossible to prevent a bad event from occurring by worrying
about it; instead of worrying, I can think constructively and
problem-solve.
In all likelihood that event will not be as bad as I fear. Even if it
is bad, I don’t have to crumble. I can stand it even though it will
be uncomfortable.
Irrational Idea #7: Emotional misery comes from external pressures,
and you have little ability to control your feelings or rid yourself of
depression and hostility.
Some rational alternatives include:
I can stand it when things go wrong; I can choose to stand it if I
want to; feeling uncomfortable or upset doesn’t mean I’m not
standing it.
I do have quite a bit of control over how I react to a situation,
though I may not immediately realize it; others also have choices
in how they react to me.
I am responsible for my own behavior and can accept
reasonable consequences; as long as I respect the rights of
others, I do not have to take 100% responsibility for others’
reactions.
Irrational Idea #6: People and things should turn out better than they do, and
you have to view it as awful and horrible if you do not quickly find good
solutions to life’s hassles.
People who behave under this assumption may
continually search for perfect solutions to interpersonal
problems and feel very inadequate when they cannot
find them.
A rational alternative to this kind of thinking is:
There may not be any perfect solution to this problem. In fact, there
may not be any solution. However, I can work toward improving the
situation. All I can do is the best I can do, and if that is insufficient, it’s
OK for me to accept that reality. I can determine my priorities and
accomplish what I can by assertively communicating my limits to others.
Irrational Idea #8: You will find it easier to avoid facing many of life’s
difficulties and self-responsibilities than to undertake more rewarding forms
of self-discipline.
Some rational alternatives include:
Even though I get immediate relief when I avoid a disturbing
situation, I feel unfulfilled, and that is often as frustrating as
confronting the problem.
What I am avoiding will probably not be as awful as I convince
myself it is.
Avoidance does not ultimately lead to pleasure.
6
Irrational Idea #9: Your past remains all-important and because something
once strongly influenced your life, it has to keep determining your feelings
Irrational Idea #10: You can achieve happiness by inertia and inaction or by
passively and uncommittedly “enjoying yourself.”
and behavior today.
A more rational alternative is:
Although my past does exercise considerable influence, my
thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are not fixed. I can change. It
is possible to learn new behaviors in the present just as I learned
old ones in the past.
3.
This form of irrational thinking is a “rationalization” to
cover fear of some activity.
Some rational alternatives are:
Lots of inactivity will simply isolate me from people and activities.
Though inactivity may reduce the threat of taking risks at
meeting people and trying out new activities, it doesn’t produce
feelings of pleasure and happiness.
Simply “enjoying myself” eventually will decrease my enjoyment
of myself and of life because enjoyment and a personal sense of
accomplishment come from making commitments and putting
some effort into activities and people who are important to me.
Accept What Is True and Accurate/
4. Change Irrational Thoughts to More Rational
Steps 3 and 4 are different, but related.
When more rational inner dialogues are substituted, you are more
likely to be in control of your thoughts, feelings, and behavior and,
therefore, more likely to act more assertively.
This process is not distancing yourself or being removed from
yourself and your “real” problems.
When you are in touch with your inner dialogues, and are able to
alter the irrational thoughts that lead to self-defeating feelings and
behaviors, you will likely experience a greater sense of wholeness.
The purpose of this process is not to intellectualize your life until all
emotions and sensory awareness are eliminated, but rather to
encourage the emergence of self-enhancing feelings and minimize
the negative impact of irrationally-based, self-defeating feelings that
are incompatible with assertive behavior.
Coping With Upsetting Feelings
Immediately Before and During
Encounters
7
Coping with Upset Feelings Immediately Before and
During Encounters
Even when you have analyzed and altered your
inner dialogues, know what you want to
communicate, and how to get your message
across, it’s not uncommon to feel some degree
of apprehension or irritation as you approach the
situation and then have emotional reactions to
these feelings.
Some people get even more upset when they
realize that they’re anxious.
I.e. “My heart’s going a mile a minute! I know I’m going
to blow it! What’s wrong with me!? Now my stomach’s
churning. I can’t stand this! If I feel this bad now, and I
haven’t even opened my mouth, what’ll happen to me
when I do start speaking up for myself!?”
Coping Self-Statement Method
Using the Coping Method: Three Steps
Step 1: Have a cue that will remind you to turn on your selfinstructional statement.
The two most commonly used cues are:
Visceral emotions (i.e. tense or irritated feeling or tightened stomach, throat,
and facial muscles, etc.)
Specific overt behaviors (i.e. fidgeting, drooping, lurching forward).
Instead of using these reactions as cues to turn on panicky thoughts
(i.e. “Oh, I’m really getting mad! I’m going to blow my stack any
minute!”), use them as cues to turn on constructive, self-instructional
thoughts (i.e. “I’m getting mad; that means slow down, breathe. Just
state your case and don’t get personal”).
Step 2: Develop internal statements that can help you cope with
upsetting feelings. Examples pp. 150-151
If you are inclined to behave nonassertively, use self-statements that
will help you relax (i.e. “Take a deep breathe”). If you are inclined to
behave aggressively, use a self-statement that does more than instruct
what to stop doing, but also what to start doing. (i.e. “Stop jumping to
conclusions—check out your assumptions)”.
Step 3: Praise yourself when you successfully cope with your
anxiety (i.e. “Good for you!”) during the process and right after.
Coping with Upset Feelings Immediately Before and
During Encounters
The Coping Self-Statement Method
Internally giving yourself instructional statements that will
enable you to better cope with upsetting feelings as they
occur.
Once you become aware that you are experiencing
distracting or upsetting feelings or when you are aware
that you are starting to have irrational thoughts, you give
yourself these statements.
Irrational Idea #1: You must—yes, must—have sincere love and approval almost all
the time from all the people you find significant.
Irrational Idea #2: You must prove yourself thoroughly competent, adequate, and
achieving, or you must at least have real competence or talent at something
important.
Irrational Idea #3: You have to view life as awful, terrible, horrible, or catastrophic
when things do not go the way you would like them to go.
Irrational Idea #4: People who harm you or commit misdeeds rate as generally bad,
wicked, or villainous individuals, and you should severely blame, damn, and punish
them for their sins.
Irrational Idea #5: If something seems dangerous or fearsome, you must become
terribly occupied with and upset about it.
Irrational Idea #6: People and things should turn out better than they do, and you
have to view it as awful and horrible if you do not quickly find good solutions to life’s
hassles.
Irrational Idea #7: Emotional misery comes from external pressures, and you have
little ability to control your feelings or rid yourself of depression and hostility.
Irrational Idea #8: You will find it easier to avoid facing many of life’s difficulties and
self-responsibilities than to undertake more rewarding forms of self-discipline.
Irrational Idea #9: Your past remains all-important and because something once
strongly influenced your life, it has to keep determining your feelings and behavior
today.
Irrational Idea #10: You can achieve happiness by inertia and inaction or by
passively and uncommittedly “enjoying yourself.”
8