Savftnnah N*w»-PrM8 • Sunday, February 16,1992 ~ 5F
Is There REALLY a Bikini Team???
I like beer. On occasion I will
even drink a beer, to celebrate a
major event such as the fall of communism or the fact that our refrigerator is still working.
So you'd think I'd be receptive to
TV beer commercials. Most of these
have the same plot: Some guys open
some beers, and instantly the commercial is overrun by friendly
seminaked young women resembling Barbie but taller and less intellectual. If you just got here from
Mars, you wouldn't know, from
watching these commercials, that
beer is meant for internal consumption. You'd think it was a chemical
Hot Babe Attractant, similar to what
moths use to locate each other so
they can mate. You'd think that the
Swedish Bikini Team was constantly
prowling the countryside, sniffing
the air for a whiff of Old Suburbs Of
Cleveland Beer, or whatever brand
it is they're allegedly attracted to.
What bothers me is, in more than
20 years of opening beers with guys,
I have NEVER seen the Swedish Bikini Team show up. Almost always,
the teams that show up in beerdrinking situations consist of guys
who have been playing league softball and smell like bus seats. Maybe,
to avoid misleading consumers, the
beer manufacturers should be required to make realistic commercials. For example:
(As the commercial opens, some
guys are sitting around in the woods,
holding cans of beer.)
First Guy: You know guys, it just
doesn't get any better than this.
(Nothing happens.)
First Guy (raising his voice): I
SAID, YOU KNOW GUYS, IT JUST
DOESN'T GET ANY BETTER
THAN THIS.
(Nothing continues to happen.)
Second Guy: There sure are a lot
of moths around here.
Third Guy: This beer tastes like
llama spit.
Speaking of realism in advertising, Michael Jordan should be required to make a commercial in
which he tries, and fails, to jump
over the pile of money that Wheaties
pays him to pretend that breakfast
cereal has something to do with basketball ability.
And while we're at it, I want
somebody to explain the current
magazine ad campaign for Timex
watches. You probably remember
the old Timex ads, starring John
Cameron Swayze, in which professional watch-abuse technicians
would strap a Timex watch to a boat
propeller, or a jackhammer, or a
British soccer fan. The watch would
then be subjected to a severe beat-
ing, after which the technicians
• Was this a suicidal bowling
would hand it to John Cameron ball?
Swayze, who would hold it up to the
• Or was she eating the sandwich
camera and say, in a dramatic at some kind of new theme restauvoice: "It broke." At least that's rant? ("The Eat 'n' Get a Skull Dent
what I assume happened the first 35 Cafe.")
or 40 times. But eventually they'd
The ad offers no explanation.
get a watch that was still working, Other Timex ads feature a rock
and John Cameron Swayze would climber who "fell 85 feet and landed
say: "Takes a licking and keeps on on her tailbone"; a man who "was
ticking!"
attacked by a 1,200-pound Great
That was an advertising cam- White Shark" that "tore open his enpaign that I could understand with- tire upper torso"; and a scuba diver
out the aid of narcotics, in stark con- who "was sucked into an offshore
trast to the current Timex cam- water intake pipe for a nuclear powpaign, samples of which have been er plant." Each victim is modeling a
sent in by a number of alert readers. Timex watch. I don't know about
These ads consist of photographs of you, but the message I get from
people wearing Timex watches; su- these ads is: "Wear a Timex watch,
perimposed on each photo is a para- and SOMETHING VERY BAD
graph telling you about some horri- WILL HAPPEN TO YOU." At the
ble thing that has happened to the drugstore, I find myself edging
person. For example, one ad fea- away from the Timex display case,
tures a photo of an attractive wom- which I figure must be a powerful
an, with the following paragraph, disaster magnet. Any moment a
Great White Shark could come lungwhich I swear I am not making up:
ing out from behind the counter,
"Louisa Murray was eating a holding a bowling ball.
sandwich when a bowling ball fell off
I don't mean to suggest here that
a ledge three stories above and hit ALL advertising is misleading or inher in the head. Doctors gave her a comprehensible. There are many inone in a million chance, but she formative ads for excellent prodfought back and last spring graduat- ucts, especially the products advered from college. The ball did leave tised in this newspaper, all of which
'a little dent' in her head. Louisa is I personally recommend and enwearing a striking Timex women's dorse and use in my home. So do my
fashion watch. It costs about $50."
frequent houseguests, the Swedish
When you, the consumer, read Bikini Team.
this, a number of questions naturally
• ••
come to your mind, including:
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize• There was a bowling ball on a winning humor columnist for the Miledge?
ami Herald.
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Meals On Wheels Needs
Hall's School of
Volunteers To Make Deliveries Floral Design
The Voluntary Action Center
(VAC), a service of United Way, recruits and refers volunteers to 130
non-profit organizations in the
coastal empire and can match your
interest with a community need.
Orientation and training are provided when needed. Unless otherwise
noted, volunteer hours are flexible.
Call 234-1636, Monday through FriVulunlai \ Action ( enter
day, 9 a.m. to 4:30 p.m.
Immediate volunteer needs include:
agency whose sole mission is the
• Meals-on-Wheels volunteers to prevention of child abuse. Time and
pick up and deliver meals to shut-ins place to be announced later. Desire
at individual homes within the 31401 volunteers who enjoy working on
zip code area. Monday through Fri- publicity, fundraising, school proday for one hour. Volunteers must grams and special projects.
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• Public relations volunteer to es• Registrars to assist food bank tablish and maintain channels of
conference, Feb. 19-21. Register con- communication with local media
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TODAY IN HISTORY
Today is Sunday, Feb. 16, the 47th
day of 1992. There are 319 days left
in the year.
Today's Highlight in History:
On Feb. 16,1862, during the Civil
War, about 1,400 Confederate soldiers surrendered at Fort Donelson,
Tenn. Gen. Ulysses S. Grant's victory earned him the nickname, "Unconditional Surrender Grant."
On this date:
• In 1804, Lt. Stephen Decatur led
a successful raid into Tripoli Harbor
to burn the U.S. Navy frigate Philadelphia, which had fallen into the
hands of pirates.
• In 1918, Lithuania proclaimed
its independence.
• In 1937, Dr. Wallace H. Carothers, a research chemist for Du Pont
who invented nylon, received a patent for the synthetic fiber.
• In 1945, during World War II,
more than 2,000 American troops
dropped onto the island of Corregidor in the Philippines.
• In 1959, Fidel Castro became
president of Cuba after the overthrow of Fulgencio Batista.
• In 1961, the United States
launched the Explorer 9' satellite.
• In 1977, Janani Luwum, the Anglican archbishop of Uganda, and
two other men were killed in what
Ugandan authorities said was a car
accident, several hours after the
three had been accused of plotting
against the government of Idi Amin.
• In 1990, former President Reagan began two days of giving a videotaped deposition in a Los Angeles
courtroom for the Iran-Contra trial
of his former national security adviser, John Poindexter.
Ten years ago: Sen. Harrison A.
Williams Jr., D-N.J., was sentenced
to three years in prison in connection with his ABSCAM conviction.
(Williams served nearly two years
in prison before being transferred to
a halfway house, from which he was
paroled in 1986.)
Five years ago: Retired Ohio autoworker John Demjanjuk went on
trial in Jerusalem, accused of being
Ivan the Terrible, a guard at the
Treblinka concentration camp in
Nazi-occupied Poland during World
War II.
One year ago: Iraqi officials
charged that 130 civilians were
killed when British jet fighters raided the town of Fallouja two days
earlier. A Soviet Foreign Ministry
spokesman downplayed Moscow's
initial enthusiasm for an Iraqi offer
to withdraw from Kuwait, saying it
was insufficient to end the war.
Today's Birthdays: Singer Patty
Andrews is 72. Movie director John
Schlesinger is 66. The mayor of
Palm Springs, Calif., Sonny Bono, is
57. Actor LeVar Burton is 35. Tennis
player John McEnroe is 33.
These
Brides
Are
Currently
Registered:
»
Shclba Cone to
Alan Kicffcr
»
Marcy Pollard to
Hunter Young
Traci McKcndree
to Terry Hicks
Lee Ann Tate to
Hoyt Powell
\
Tara Gaston to
Andy Jennings
IN BRIEF
44
Just For Joe: A Tribute In
Jazz,"'a ftind-raiser for local pianist
Joe Jones who is battling cancer,
will be held today at 5 p.m. in the
ballroom of the Hyatt Regency Savannah on Bay Street. Performers
will include Ben Tucker and
Friends, the Hilton Head Big Band,
the Teri Rim Quartet and the Claude
RheaTrio.
Tickets are $10 and are available
in advance at the Coastal Jazz Association in City Market, Body's and
Portman's musk, Clary's Cafe and
Village Walk Pharmacy on Skidaway Island and the Cultural Exchange and WLOW-FM on Hilton
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"Black Voices: A Celebrate Of
Love/* a program of music, poetry
and dance, will be held today at 5
p.m. at the Asbury United Methodist
Church, corner of Abercorn and Duffy streets.
The church's annual Black History Month presentation will feature
students from the Savannah High
School performing arts magnet program.
Call 23M792 for more information.
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