Act 1: Welcome, Soon-to-Be Fellow Asset Queens
Are You a Lazy Cow?
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
Please check all that apply to you most of the time:
✔
I use the drive-thru instead of walking into the bank, restaurant, pharmacy, Starbucks,
or convenience store. I do this even when I’m not in a blizzard or with my brood of 10.
I drive around the parking lot until I find a spot closest to my destination rather than
just immediately pull into an open space farther away. I do this even when I’m not in
a blizzard or with my brood of 10.
When I’m at a party, I park myself on a comfy couch or chair and melt into it.
However, I do get up when I want more pastries and wine and when I have to visit
the potty.
I spend a lot more time playing games on my phone, reading e-mails about 88 great
uses for cawfee filters, and reading gossip on “those Facebooks” (as your mommy calls
it) than I do moving my assets. Furthermore, I would rather watch Dancing With the
Stars than actually dance.
I avoid using stairs whenever I can and prefer convenient people-movers—elevators
and escalators. I can’t even recall the last time I actually used steps. (Why are there
steps on an escalator; aren’t you just supposed to stand there?)
I can sit for long periods of time (even more than 30 continuous minutes) and feel
comfortable. I can’t stand too long without my back, feet, knees, and neck killing me.
I conveniently leave my shopping cart (wagons for New Yawkaz) in the parking
space next to mine because it really never occurred to me to return it to the grocery
store, let alone the convenient shopping cart holder six feet away from my car. It
also didn’t occur to me that it may smash into someone else’s car or that my grocery
prices are higher because someone is actually being paid to move his own assets and
retrieve my runaway cart.
I schedule my nail and/or hair appointments weekly. However, I do not do the same
when it comes to moving my assets. Those 20 tiny pieces of dead skin attached to my
hands and feet take priority.
I sit and watch while my (grand)kids play in the park; I’d rather gossip with Lois
about my neighbor Hortense and her affair with the pool boy than join in and play in
any reindeer games with the kiddies.
I love scheduling lunches, card games, and movies with the girls and brunches with
family on Sundays . . . anything that requires us to park our assets and tawk. The
concept of walking whilst tawking is unfamiliar to me.
Excerpted from Move Your Assets: From the Chair, Not the Bank!
©2015 Bethanne L. Weiss. All rights reserved. www.moveyourassets.com
Move Your Assets
How did you do? Did you pass this test by checking them all or most of them? I sure hope
not because this is not a good thing. If you checked more than a few boxes, you’ve probably
checked close to all of them. Score yourself:
If you checked:
0–2: Your name is Ali or Cindy and are NEATer than most—stay tuned if you
don’t know what that means.
3–5: You failed the jiggle test in some places, but your bat wings haven’t taken
full flight yet.
6–7: You haven’t seen your toes since the last millennium, but if you break
out the WD-40 you can actually walk into Starbucks for your favorite Mocha
Choca Lata Yaya, although you have to plotz whilst consuming it because the
effort took so much out of you.
8–10: Go answer your phone. It’s Lazy Cow wanting to reopen, and they are
asking you to be their spokesmodel.
Move Your Assets
If you passed either of these tests, that is not a good thing! But don't get your panties
in a wad. Help is on the way from the Asset Queen herself. Just email her and let her
know your score (her royal lips are sealed) and what kvetch you need help with, and
she'll respond to you personally. Or if you prefer to remain anonymous, just order a
copy of her book!
Excerpted from Move Your Assets: From the Chair, Not the Bank!
©2015 Bethanne L. Weiss. All rights reserved. www.moveyourassets.com