Excerpt
THE IMPRACTICALITY
OF MODERN-DAY MASTODONS
by Rachel Teagle
Rachel Teagle
444 Huntington Road
Stratford, CT 06614
(408) 316-8123
[email protected]
Inkwell Draft 02/06/15
© All rights reserved. 2010
Excerpt 1
A PHONE RINGS.
A SMALL POOL OF LIGHT REVEALS CLARENCE ON THE COUCH
WHERE HE FELL ASLEEP.
THE PHONE RINGS AGAIN.
HE ROLLS OVER TO PICK IT UP.
CLARENCE
Hello?
INGA IS ON THE OTHER END. WE SEE AS LITTLE OF HER AS POSSIBLE.
SHE IS MYSTERIOUS, CONFIDENT, AND UTTERLY INSCRUTABLE. SHE
PROBABLY HAS A SEXY ACCENT.
INGA
I need you to listen to me very closely and do exactly as I say.
CLARENCE
Who is this?
INGA
You don't know me, but I have information vital to your safety.
CLARENCE
No, seriously, who is this?
INGA
There is no time for pleasantries! Your residence has been compromised.
CLARENCE
How?
INGA
Look around you. Is there anything unfamiliar?
CLARENCE
No, I don't think so.
INGA
Excerpt 2
Are you absolutely certain? Our enemies can be extremely subtle.
HE LOOKS AROUND THE ROOM. LIGHT REVEALS A LARGE,
CHEERFULLY SINISTER STUFFED BUNNY THAT WAS NOT
BEFORE.
THERE
CLARENCE
Oh! Got it.
INGA
What is it?
CLARENCE
It's a bunny. A big stuffed bunny.
INGA
Oh god.
CLARENCE
What?
INGA
It could be nothing. Or! It could be everything.
CLARENCE
Oh god.
INGA
Now listen, I need you to carefully grasp the bunny by the head and rotate it 180 degrees.
CLARENCE
Okay, okay. Grasping the head now
INGA
Slowly, damn you! This is a delicate operation.
CLARENCE
Yes, yes, slowly, rotating, rotating... OH MY GOD IT'S A BOMB
Excerpt 3
IT TOTALLY IS. WIRED TO THE BACK OF THE BUNNY IS A
TICKING BOMB.
LARGE
INGA
AAAH!
CLARENCE
AAAH!
INGA
AAAH!
CLARENCE
AAAH!
INGA & CLARENCE
AAAAAH!
INGA
Pull it together! We've only got one shot at this or the whole thing's gonna blow. I need
you to defuse the instrument.
CLARENCE
Defuse it? How the hell am I supposed to do that
INGA
It's actually pretty simple. Just reach in and remove the thickest wire from the timing
device.
CLARENCE
Got it. Grabbing the wires.
INGA
Just whatever you do, don't touch the blue wire.
CLARENCE
The blue wire?
Excerpt 4
INGA
Don't touch it!
CLARENCE
Uh.
HE HAS A FISTFUL OF WIRES.
INGA
What?
CLARENCE
All the wires are blue!
INGA
AAAH!
CLARENCE
AAAH!
INGA
AAAH!
CLARENCE
AAAH!
CLARENCE & INGA
AAAAAAAH!
INGA
You don't have much time.
CLARENCE PANICS
10 seconds left..9..
THE COUNT DOWN CONTINUES.
HE STUFFS THE BUNNY INTO A THROW PILLOW AND THROWS
IT
OUT THE WINDOW
IT EXPLODES OFFSTAGE SENDING A SHOWER OF STUFFING BACK
THROUGH THE WINDOW.
Excerpt 5
INGA
Hello? Kid, you there? Is everything all right?
A SINGLE SEVERED BUNNY EAR LANDS AT HIS FEET.
CLARENCE
Yeah. Actually it is.
INGA
Congratulations. You passed.
CLARENCE
Passed what?
INGA
In your back pocket you'll find a stick of gum printed with geographic coordinates.
Memorize these coordinates, then chew and swallow the gum. We'll expect you there at
1300 hours sharp to begin your training.
CLARENCE
Training? For what?
INGA
For the rest of your life, agent.
CLARENCE
Agent?
INGA
Yes, welcome aboard.
CLARENCE
But, I'm not a secret agent, how did you even get this number?
INGA
This isn't your phone. Remember 1300 hours sharp. Ta ta.
INGA HANGS UP. CLARENCE LOOKS FROM HIS PHONE TO THE
Excerpt 6
BUNNY EAR AND BACK AGAIN.
THE PHONE BEEPS
PHONE VOICE
This phone will self destruct in 10, 9, 8, 7, 6...
HE PANICS AND THROWS THE PHONE OUT THE WINDOW. IT
WITH THE SMALLEST EXPLOSION NOISE.
IMPLODES
CLARENCE
Jess? Jess! HOLY CRAP JESS I think... I think something just happened.
JESS (off)
Yeah...
SHE ENTERS. SHE IS NOW A MASTODON.
CLARENCE STARES UP AT HER
JESS
Something definitely happened.
THE THEME TO NIGHTLY NEWS NOW KICKS IN.
LIGHTS COME UP ON PAT ST. JOHN AND TRACY WEATHERS, TWO NEWS
ANCHORS. THEY HAVE BEEN FIGHTING OVER THE
SINGLE ANCHOR
CHAIR, JOSTLING FOR POSITION. THE LIGHTS CATCH THEM COMPLETELY
OFF GUARD.
PAT
Uh...Good evening! I'm Pat St. John—
And I'm Tracy Weathers!
TRACY
PAT
And this...
TRACY & PAT
Is your Nightly News Now!
Excerpt 7
THE THEME CONTINUES AS THE CAMERA ANGLE SHIFTS. PAT
AND
TRACY BICKER BRIEFY AS THEY JOSTLE TO NEW POSITIONS.
DURING THE BROADCASTS, WE SEE VISUAL AIDS ILLUSTRATING
THESE NEWS STORIES, PERHAPS SOMEONE OFFSTAGE HOLDING UP
POSTERBOARD WITH DOODLES.
PAT
Negotiations continue this evening for the newly formed Ice Cream Tasters Union over in
Milwaukee—
TRACY
Workers have picketed factories across the city demanding shorter hours, wider fudge
ribbons, and comprehensive dental coverage—
PAT
Industry experts hope an agreement is brokered quickly, as the ICTU represents one of
the fastest growing sectors in employment today.
In a San Diego Marine Park—
TRACY
Lelu the Orca Whale broke records this evening as she performed three triple back flips
through a hoop of fire.
PAT
This spectacular and crowd-pleasing feat is credited to her new trainer Paula Davison,
who arrived at the park only a few days before.
TRACY TRIES TO CUT IN, PAT PUTS HIS HAND ON HER FOREHEAD AND
PUSHES HER BACK OUT OF THE WAY
Prior to her work with Lelu, Davison claims to have had no whale training experience,
but it was, quote “something she had always dreamed of someday.”
TRACY
Well that day finally arrived, and as that majestic marine mammal soared through the
air without even singeing a fin, you can bet that Davison knew this was what she was
meant to do.
But this whale of a tale
THEY BOTH LAUGH, BRIEFLY.
is not the only happy ending we have to share with you. All across the nation, reports are
flooding in that our dreams are actually coming true.
Excerpt 8
PAT
That's right, dreams are actually coming true.
TRACY
And in light of this recent shift, Nightly News Now is pleased to announce that 25 year
veteran anchor Pat St John will be joined permanently by fresh-faced newcomer Tracy
Weathers.
SHE BREAKS FROM THE TELEPROMPTER
That's ME!!
Yes it is.
PAT
PAT'S SENSIBLE AND PROFESSIONAL SHOW GRAPHIC IS
SUDDENLY
JOINED BY TRACY'S EXUBERANT GRAPHIC, WHICH
IS SHOT ON BY A
RAINBOW AND CONSTANTLY SPARKLING.
TRACY
That's my graphic! That's great, guys.
PAT
Doesn't it seem a little—
TRACY
Ooh! Can ya make it spin?
THEY CAN. TRACY SQUEALS.
Is this necessary?
PAT
TRACY
Do it again!!
THEY DO.
PAT
When we return, Behind the stripes: tiger tamers tell all.
Excerpt 9
TRACY
Surfers sponsor super scientists to synthesize a safe tsunami at one sixth scale.
PAT
And a young man who takes the art scene by storm with his critically acclaimed and
commercially successful abstract sculpture.
HE BREAKS FROM THE TELEPROMPTER
Really?
TRACY
Oh, yes.
PAT
Seriously, people, the sky's the limit. Apparently.
TRACY
Even a small town girl with empty pockets and big dreams could follow her heart and one
day wake up to find herself reading the news off fancy sheets of paper in a snappy blazer.
PAT
Imagine that.
TRACY
Yeah!
PAT
When we return, a newly famous chef will share his recipe for mind blowing gourmet
sextuple chocolate brownies, but first a few brief messages.
TRACY'S LOGO BURSTS INTO FIREWORKS.
TRACY
Hi Mom! I'm on TV!
LIGHTS UP ON THE APARTMENT. THERE IS A BIG BOUQUET
FLOWERS ONA TABLE.
JESS, STILL A MASTODON, HAS JUST COME HOME.
OF
Excerpt 10
JESS
Hey babe, I'm home!
Aw...
SHE REACHES FOR THE FLOWERS.
CLINT (off)
STOP!!!
CLARENCE, NOW “CLINT,” A HYPER-SUAVE SUPER SPY SOMERSAULTS
IN,
CHECKING FOR THREATS. HE PROBABLY
HAS THEME MUSIC. IT
DEFINITELY IS AWESOME.
CLINT
Those are no ordinary flowers.
HE FLIPS TO THE FLOWER VASE AND EXTRACTS ONE.
See this chrysanthemum? Looks harmless, right? But concealed in the stem is a small
caliber poisoned dart invisible to the naked eye, but lethal at 20 paces.
HE PUTS THE FLOWER TO HIS LIPS AND BLOWS. WE HEAR
BROKEN
GLASS FOLLOWED BY THE SOUND OF A CAT BEING
SHOT WITH A
SMALL CALIBER POISONED DART.
Looks like April showers bring...deadly flowers.
HE BLOWS OVER THE END OF THE FLOWER LIKE A COWBOY BLOWING
SMOKE FROM HIS REVOLVER.
JESS
Did you just kill a cat?
CLINT LAUGHS GRANDLY AND DISMISSIVELY,
CLINT
Ha ha ha ha ha
HE CATCHES A GLIMPSE OF THE POISONED CAT
Oh.. Right. Don't worry, the antidote's in this lamp.
HE DROPS THE LAMP OUT THE WINDOW. WE HEAR IT
THERE IS A RELIEVED MEOW.
So, How was your day?
JESS
Fine. I ate a tree.
SHATTER.
Excerpt 11
CLINT
Good for you. You still hungry? I've got some trimmings in the kitchen.
JESS
No, I'm good. It was a big tree.
CLINT
I can take you for a walk.
JESS
I just got home, Clint. I want to relax.
CLINT
Sure. We can do that.
THEY SIT TOGETHER AS BEST THEY CAN.
Want me to scratch behind your ears?
JESS
Yes please.
HE DOES.
Ooh, a little higher.
HE HITS A GOOD SPOT AND HER LEG STARTS TWITCHING.
CLINT
Sorry!
JESS
No, no, it's a good thing. I think. I feel better already.
CLINT
Good.
JESS
Hey, I had an interview today.
DELORES ENTERS, BRIGHT AND EFFICIENT.
Excerpt 12
CLINT
How did it go?
DELORES LOOKS UP FROM HER CLIPBOARD AND SEES JESS
DELORES
AAAAAH!!!
JESS
Wait! Please! I'm not—
DELORES
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAA...oh. You're my 3:30
JESS
I'm just here to—
I'm Jessica Goldman. GOLDMAN
JESS
(to Clint)
It was better than last time.
TO DELORES
Thank you so much for fitting me in, Ms. Atkins.
DELORES
Oh please, call me Delores.
Well. I'd say have a seat but...
SHE STARTS TO SNICKER AND BURST INTO UPROARIOUS
LAUGHTER. THIS IS THE FUNNIEST THING SHE'S THOUGHT IN
WEEKS.
I mean, you're so—
SHE MAKES A NOISE TO INDICATE HOW LARGE JESS IS
And the chair is so—
SHE MAKES A SQUEAKY NOISE TO INDICATE THE SMALLEST OF CHAIRS.
THIS MAKES HER LAUGH ANEW.
CLINT
Wow.
Excerpt 13
JESS
Yep.
DELORES
You know, I am so excited to see you here.
JESS
You didn't sound excited.
DELORES
That was the scream of possibilities. See, I love solving puzzles. Love it! Finding which
pieces fit where and sorting everything out until it all makes one big, beautiful picture.
Oh, you're a “puzzle”
CLINT
DELORES
No, a puzzle piece. We all are. I, for example, am a corner piece. You want me out of the
box right away so I can anchor everything in place.
And you.... well, I don't know what kind of piece you are. We'll just have to turn you
around and around and around until you fit! It'll take some turning, but I'll get you in
there, Jessica. Don't you worry one bit.
JESS
Great.
DELORES
Mint?
JESS
What?
DELORES
Would you like a mint?
JESS
No thanks.
DELORES
You sure? They’ve got chocolate in the middle.
Excerpt 14
JESS
No, I’m fine.
DELORES
Coffee? Tea? Fresca?
JESS
I don’t drink caffeine.
DELORES & CLINT
Fresca doesn’t have caffeine.
JESS
I don’t like Fresca.
A BEAT. DELORES SNIFFLES. SHE IS ON THE VERGE OF TEARS
CLINT NOTICING THIS, ELBOWS JESS.
Um, I’ll take a mint.
DELORES
Oh, good.
DELORES PRESENTS THE TIN OF MINTS. JESS TAKES ONE
WITH HER
TRUNK AND PUTS IT IN HER MOUTH.
I just adore these mints. They’re like teensy tiny drops of crystallized hot chocolate. It’s a
little bitty bit of Christmas any time. I just love Christmas, don’t you?
JESS
No. I'm Jewish.
DELORES
Oh.
Well, then it’s like a little bit bitty of, um, winter. The good part of winter.
JESS
I always thought the good part of winter was the moment before your body goes numb
when the wind electrifies every little hair sending a shiver cloud of awareness through
your skin and suddenly from your hands to your stomach, your knees to your scalp, all of
you is finally one being, one electric being.
Excerpt 15
A MOMENT.
DELORES
I like toboggans.
JESS
Yeah. They’re, uh neat.
DELORES EXITS, TAKING NOTES.
CLINT
Smooth, Jess
JESS
Hey, I wasn't trying to be weird.
CLINT
You don't have to try to be weird.
JESS
Says the guy weaponizing plants.
CLINT
That's tactics, Jess. Covert tactics.
You'll find something, Jess, you always do.
HE PETS HER.
JESS
Are you in a tux?
CLINT
Why yes I am. I'm prepping for a mission.
HE BEGINS CHECKING ALL OF HIS SPY EQUIPMENT.
EVERYTHING IN
THE APARTMENT HAS A SECRET SPY
PURPOSE AND MAKES
APPROPRIATE SPY SOUNDS. MOST
THINGS ARE GUNS.
Operation Wingéd Cobra. Sounds intense, right?
JESS
That's one word for it.
Excerpt 16
CLINT
Recent intelligence indicates that the Russians are developing a supersonic personal
micro-copter and we have to be ready.
HE LOCKS AND LOADS A THROW PILLOW.
Have you considered ballet?
Ballet. Really?
JESS
CLINT
Yeah, like Fantasia. It’d be awesome.
JESS
There are like 80 million ballerinas here.
CLINT
There's more in Russia. It’s nothing but ballerinas and spies.
JESS
And ballerina-spies.
CLINT
What?
JESS
You know, ballerinas who are secretly spies.
A PERPLEXED BEAT FROM CLINT
It’s just a joke.
CLINT
Of course...
HE RECORDS A MEMO INTO HIS COLLAR
Note to self: Investigate Moscow ballet.
You’re good Jess. You’re real good.
JESS
Thanks. Hey, you need someone in counter-intelligence?
Excerpt 17
CLINT LAUGHS.
Oh, come on.
CLINT
What about your old job?
JESS
It's long gone. No one wanted to be a claims adjuster, so no claims adjusters need
temporary administrative assistants.
CLINT
It’s too bad for them. Because now, you’d work for peanuts! Eh?
JESS
Ha.
CLINT
Hey, maybe you could wear one of those funny coats and work in hotel lobbies, you know,
as a Doormammoth.
Or! You could be in that play, The Ice Mammoth Cometh.
Or get bitten by a radio-active spider and be Spider-Mamm—
JESS
I’m not a mammoth, Clint! I’m a mastodon.
CLINT
What?
JESS
We’ve been over this. I’m a mastodon. It’s completely different. I’m smaller. My tusks are
shorter, my skull is flatter, and I was around like millions of years before mammoths.
Well not me exactly. But you know.
CLINTS
So mammoths are like little mastodons.
JESS
No, mastodons are little mammoths!
Excerpt 18
CLINT
Right. Sorry. Whatever.
JESS
No, not whatever. It's not cool. I don’t call you a professional eavesdropper.
SHE PICKS UP A ROSE FROM THE VASE.
I don’t call this a squirt gun
CLINT
Look out!
A PROJECTILE SHOOTS OUT AND
RICOCHETS AROUND THE
ROOM. THEY TRACK IT AS IT BOUNCES OFF THE WALLS.
JESS
I barely even touched it. I thought you had to blow on it.
CLINT
The chrysanthemums are blow guns. The roses have pressure-release rubberized
projectiles.
THEY DUCK AS IT SWOOPS CLOSE OVERHEAD.
You can tell because their stems are shorter.
WE HEAR THE BULLET BREAK THROUGH THE SAME WINDOW AND
STRIKE THE SAME RECENTLY REVIVED CAT. THEY RUSH TO LOOK OUT.
JESS
You don’t have the antidote in like, a vase or something.
CLINT
Check.
JESS GRABS A VASE AND THROWS IT OUT THE WINDOW. IT SHATTERS
WITH A SPLATTERY CRUNCHING NOISE
Guess not.
I know you think this spy stuff is stupid. But, you have to understand, there are real
consequences. You can't just throw stuff out the window and hope something happens.
This is who I am now, maybe you can just trust that I know what I'm doing. Okay?
Excerpt 19
JESS
Clarence, I....
CLINT
Clint! You can't get mad at me for messing up elephant stuff when you can't even get my
name right.
JESS
I have to remember all these missions and tactics and which throw pillows I can't use, all
you have to know about me is my species, I can't believe that's hard.
CLINT
What squadron am I in?
JESS
Alpha Cobra Squadron.
CLINT
What was my first mission?
JESS
Operation Flying Phantom
CLINT
And my last mission?
JESS
Death-a-saurus Rex. Come on, give me a hard one.
CLINT
Okay. When I went off in search of a double-agent's secret volcano lair—
JESS
Operation Hot Magma Mama.
Yeah. But where'd I go?
CLINT
Excerpt 20
JESS
I don't know.
CLINT
There! See? You don't know everything.
JESS
That's because the location of Hot Magma Mama was so classified that they never told
you where you had been. So you don't know either.
CLINT
Oh. Right. Now I remember that I don't remember. Heh, looks like this elephant never
forgets!
I know, I know. Mastodon. I got it.
JESS
Good. At least somebody does.
CLINT
Aw, does somebody need a belly rub?
JESS
No.
CLINT
You sure?
JESS
Yes.
CLINT
Look, Jess. Maybe you should do something more, you know, Mastodon-y.
JESS
Like what? Fall into a tar pit and die?
CLINT
You could paint. I saw on the internet. Elephants paint all the time. But not very well.