The Iowa Review
Volume 17
Issue 3 Fall
1987
Life in the Temperate Zone
Robert Wexelblatt
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Wexelblatt, Robert. "Life in the Temperate Zone." The Iowa Review 17.3 (1987): 24-44. Web.
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Article 4
Life in the Temperate Zone Robert Wexelblatt
i.
The
of Philosophy
Consolation
I enjoy thinking, though in a dilettantish way and in small doses. For
me,
is like solitaire,
thinking
except
that I dislike
taking
its rules seriously.
In this I am probably typical of my generation and socio-political co
be a vast encouragement
if rigorous think
to the truth, but I do not
ex
ing could bring
really believe it. In my
a
to
belief
line
that
of
operates along
perience,
virtually parallel
thought,
is meant by truth is a matter
of belief rather than a product of
and what
even of
of feeling,
These days, moreover,
belief is a matter
thinking.
more
than "I think that" or even
mood.
People say "I feel that"
frequently
"I believe."
It is nicely irresponsible
of them, noncommittal.
Not
credo,
ordinates.
Of
course,
it would
one
but
sento.
that your thinking
is in some respects a function
no one
For example,
of what you happen to be doing while
thinking?
thinks about the same things while painting a ceiling as they do while
tak
Have
you
ever noticed
ing out the garbage. Nihil
have only just thought of
never intrude
desk, would
The
the start of a movie.
a me alienum
a Latin tag which
I
puto,
moment
at my
this quiet, philosophical
humanum
during
on my
consciousness
if Iwere
to catch
hurrying
the area of obtuse tri
formula for determining
never occurred
to me in the course of
has
angles
telephone conversations,
are
even the most
I find pleasant memories
obtuse ones. Conversely,
nos
to
since
rather
like
about
best
when
music,
music,
listening
thought
an incarnation of the past that can be
only in the pres
talgia, is
performed
?are
ent. Fine points of law?indeed,
delicate
distinctions
any
weighed
erotic
fantasies
while
best while
sitting up straight,
reclining, metaphysi
cal speculations
while
smoking,
and current
events while
eating. Etcetera.
But all of this is only by way of introducing one particular kind of
I do in cars, especially when driving goodly distances
something
thinking,
alone. I think out these little stories. What
gives these stories the cast of
is that they seem to waft out from hypothetical
ideas as seeds do
thought
from dandelions.
their own
anecdotes
The
hypotheses
themselves,
also like dandelions,
accord, or perhaps through the steering column. Most
fall on the stoniest of ground,
ennui, but
long-distance
arise of
of these
some are
24
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a
ten or twenty miles, after which
interesting enough to last full
they peter
out and are
the
the
radio, vacuity,
actuality of traffic.
replaced by others,
Several of these anecdotes,
titles, occurred to me during
complete with
my recent journey
about three hours.
a
to attend my niece's high school graduation,
trip of
It was a long three hours, though only a short visit.
2. A Life in the Temperate Zone (I)
Gerald
full professor
he sacrificed his life?in
McCormack,
famous because
ship.
As
at Columbia
amanner
University,
became
of speaking?to
scholar
in the early 1960s, Gerald ran
of anthropology
to do
into a problem. He wished
original field research, having
fervently
accounts of
to
the
been inspired
richly adventurous
by
study anthropology
he was unable to
fathers and mothers;
the discipline's
however,
founding
or
even
small isolated tribes which had not
cultures
discover any primitive
a
graduate
already
been
student
studied.
His
dissertation
advisor
to him.
reported this failure
a new
McCormack.
problem,
was invented?"
spondently
"Hardly
thropology
Why
smiled when
do you
Gerald
think urban
de
an
Taking the hint, Gerald diligently searched through the literature but,
once again, could find nothing truly original left to do. It had taken nearly
to use up all the islands and jungles, but apparently
all their neighborhoods
twenty years to dispose of the cities, with
advisor frowned.
cial classes. At their second interview, Gerald's
amere
a half a century
"There
is perpetually
to do, McCormack,"
leave nooks and crannies
useful work
and so
he said censor
stu
for graduate
always
iously. "The pioneers
task of synthesis, and, even be
dents like you. Then there is the continual
vast
is of course never ending."
enterprise of theory, which
yond that, the
After all, the advisor was himself a synthetic theorist who had, years be
fore, done his own thesis on certain neglected
aspects of the Swat Pathan
potlatch.
Gerald,
however,
satisfied with
gust,
ment
was
a young
the derivative
man with
or the abstract.
a vocation
So, much
and not one
to be
to his advisor's
dis
a
he left the university
and answered
large corporation's
trainees. Gerald had a plan of his own.
for management
advertise
25
in Secular
Adventures
3.
Humanism
Nobody thinks I have any problems, and do you know why? Oh, it's so
It's all because
it looks
like I have just everything. My mother
and
father aren't divorced
and we
live in this nice house and have enough
I
I've
and
money
suppose, plenty of clothes and I'm popular at school
got,
and my grades are okay and I got into my second choice. So you can see
never get any
it's like?I
what
got to be practically
sympathy. You've
unfair.
starving
thing.
before
Like
anybody has any sympathy with
Iwas out at Katy's
the other night.
you, or a cripple or some
and we kind of lost track
of the time, you know, so Bill got me back at 2:30 and the next morning
at me as soon as I get up and
starts
this?she
my mother
yelling
then?get
me. Grounds me for
an
of
I
about
hour late.
hate her.
grounds
being all
a
I
else
who
still
has
hate
her.
curfew
Then
the next
God,
anyhow?
really
day, you know,
Saturday?naturally
I'm not
talking
to her ?she
gets
this
back thing of hers and stays in bed practically all day and complainswhen I
don't
out.
take Pebbles
cleaning. God,
didn't dust. Who
it's my job or something.
all over the house for her but
Like
I vacuumed
dusts?
Same with
the
I
she complains
and she just hates me
I swear,
she's compulsive
calls her the Driver,
you know, because
anyway. Daddy
sible in the car. Know
what
Imean?
she's just impos
drive anywhere with her
from me? She screams these
I just won't
I really won't. What's
she want
anymore,
names at me, you know. Her favorite
thing
to call me
is spoiled. Oh,
I
hate that. Spoiled. All shewants is forme to feel guilty. But I figure like if
I am spoiled, then whose
fault is it anyhow? Like the other night?you
she had the back thing?she
calls me spoiled and tells Daddy
know when
to my room and
lift a finger to help her all day and Iwent
how Iwouldn't
room ?
called up Bill and then she barges in?that's
right, right into my
and tellsme to get off the phone. She says the bills are too high. And then,
the clicker?so
know,
just for spite, she takes away my cable thing?you
to do. I have to sit here and all weekend
there's just nothing
it's young
I can't wait to get out of
lady this and young
lady that. I tell you, Marsha,
this place. If you want to know what I think, I think deep down she's,
like, you know, jealous. Take the prom. Three guys asked me besides Bill
and that nerd, Robby
Paisiello.
you know ?that's
right, Steve, and Keith,
I don't know where he got the nerve?imagine,
the drip.
Sobby Robby,
and involved, you know,
and
Anyway,
suddenly she gets all sympathetic
... Oh, wait aminute,
to like
help with my dress and stuff.
...
Can I phone you back? It's probably Billy. Okay
Waiting.
wants
26
it's Call
?
The
4.
Essential
Bram
Stoker
Richard Lapidus isworth upward of two hundred million dollars and
is still the town pump. Though
she is pathetic now and over
she still is in possession
of her beautiful
soprano, her fine skin, cus
weight,
that she
tody of the children, and their last house. But there is no denying
has become a bloated argosy and a slob. Richard
is in athletic trim and lives
his ex-wife
in an
atmosphere
of furniture
advertisements.
got
Lapidus wisely
the two
hundredmillion only after the sloppy divorce by buying ababy-minded in
on
patent
the device
ventor's
produced
sold so well
a small
at a
computer-linking
low cost
remarkably
that he now
in an oriental milieu
a man
has become
then mass
He
device.
almost
and it
literally made
of
money. And that is how he appears to think of himself; it is how he looks
at his hands
quite
and feet. Richard
so rich; he
enjoys
a parvenu,
of
vulgarities
loves being
I believe?the
consciously,
committing?
not
excluding
the kind of gratuitous paternalistic charity that gives fortunes their public
gleam. The device and the divorce changed his lifewithin a year and now
he smiles
even when
he is describing
his depression.
Richard has three girlfriends now, which is down quite abit from a few
of them are actually airline stewardesses;
the other
ago. Two
at a television
station handling
their advertising
sales. One of the
is blonde,
stew
stewardesses
like the television executive;
the remaining
months
works
ardess has very black,
It is taken for granted
long hair.
very
that all three
would like tomarry Richard. Richard is forty-six, growing worried and
even wearied,
deliberately
ophy. The
as if the
and
sybaritic and cautious,
positive
were
of
far
the
safest
pursuit
irresponsible
by
pleasure
philos
is exactly thirty-three years
average age of the three girlfriends
but he is both
are worried
too. Indeed, everyone
and wearied
is
They
afraid of being fifty and alone, sixty and forgotten,
seventy and sick.
are acci
women
is
Richard's
that
all
three
particular problem
today
and four months.
dentally
in town
at the
same
time
party at the McCormacks'
graduation
the McCormacks'
house because
and
two
house. All
of
them
know
about
the
three have had a dinner
the McCormacks
are Richard's
at
best
friends. They helped him through his divorce and through the lean years
before
the device.
Gerald
after evening with
him, talking,
cooked
listening,
advising, nodding,
Virginia
sympathizing,
counseling.
him large meals
and took an interest in every new purchase,
every long
or
or his ex-wife
to which
school
he
weekend,
every boarding
military
spent evening
27
to
son Seth. Seth,
is old enough
incidentally,
thought of sending their
interest in female anatomy and would
envy his father. He has an unlimited
a
weekend
with
any one of the three girl
very much
enjoy spending
son. This
of the McCormacks'
friends. Seth is also the only semi-friend
friendship is entirely false and based on a squalid symbiosis. There is no
in it, as there probably
is in the parents' friendship,
but rather
on Seth's side and what
I take to be lonely or be
dominance
sincerity
supposed
on the inscrutable Bruce's. That is my
mused
anyway.
opinion
curiosity
are
seems to believe
is
and
the
else
genuine pals,
Virginia
Everyone
boys
overwhelmed with gratitude that this noisy and shallow boy should have
her
befriended
son, whom
she utterly
misunderstands.
The three girlfriends with whom Richard has been feverishly enjoying
the shapely stuff of comedy. He is
and revenging himself are, alas, merely
made of money,
after all, so everything will play itself out on a plane of as
not
at least innocu
surance, will work out?if
exactly for the best ?then
substitute
televised life is, I think, Virginia's
somewhat
ously. Richard's
never
for soap operas. Such stories
end; they only get cancelled once in a
while.
5.
on
Autumn
My
matter
the Amazon
I am slow, that there is something
the
parents
long ago decided
there is some
with me. Good. They are both right and wrong:
the matter with me, but, so far as I can see, I am not slow. I am not
thing
as most of the
so
anyhow. Reluctant would
people I've met,
nearly
stupid
of Dr. Blitzstein,
who
be a better word; perhaps it is not in the vocabulary
to be con
is one of the stupidest people of all. Still, it suits me very well
sidered slow. Others believe what my parents tell them, so my reluctance
of protective
The smaller mam
coloration.
the right idea. Don't
invisible, out
fight the big predators?be
to
Rodents
all
about
which
them. Above
your dignity.
aspire
forget
is virtually
mals have
wit
a
disguise,
a kind
ones are hors d'oeuvres. No,
it
dignity make main courses; the pretentious
me.
to
too
not
The
much
slow has saved
is
say that appearing
supposing
it has saved me from ?I can see that all
difficult thing is not knowing what
it has saved me for. That is the great
what
around me in this place?but
life so far. In any case, my mask has certainly cleared a nice
I have
space around me. In this space I am able to breathe freely. Believing
not
no intellect or perception,
I am
about
don't
bother
what
only
people
mystery
28
of my
I can look inward and I
thinking,
they reveal themselves almost wantonly.
can look outward because
see
I am safe. I
nobody guesses that I
anything.
am no threat. But the result is that I am full of secrets, like a spy whose
big
and
eyes look naive enough, but who understands
everything
it to boot. I am a small mammal with big eyes and little to say,
like my most distant ancestors.
in awhile,
I almost believe my father knows and this is for an odd
Once
wondering
remembers
reason.
doing
when
is what
at certain uncanny moments,
It's because,
I can't
help feeling he's
the same thing?pretending,
that is. He has this peculiar
smile
he thinks nobody's
of such instants, however,
he
looking. Outside
my
sister
calls
terminally
normal. Who
knows?
Maybe
that's
his disguise. More likely, I am doing what Blitzstein called projecting. Of
use such a
term with me
am
long and technical
(I
slow),
It was hard to keep a
but I overheard him explaining me to my mother.
slow face.
straight,
is no autumn on the Amazon,
There
but you can imagine one: huge
a
unfathomable
brown,
river, snakes slow in
orange leaves overhanging
course,
he didn't
the chilling air, a hint of frost hovering over the rain-forest.
I am like that,
an
season in a real
or a real season in an
imaginary
place,
imaginary place.
seasons and
of
imaginary
places, my uncle is coming for the
Speaking
today. He interests and worries me; I can't figure him out; he
graduation
is opaque. I like him, but Iwon't talkwith him because the things he says
tome are too sharp. I have the feeling that he could look throughme if he
cared to, but that he doesn't care to. That rather hurts, though it is odd I
somuch of my energy is used up
should feel itwhen
avoiding just such dis
me
was
I
In
he
stories
When
would
tell
when he visited.
covery.
younger
one
story there was
a
boy who
hated his body
and couldn't
accept
that he
was his body. At first he tried everything he could think of to get out of it,
like running
very
fast or breaking
mirrors.
Then
the boy
tried to change
his body to what he felt it ought to be. He did push-ups, drank milk
to imagine himself into
had his hair cut and styled. He attempted
to
He
it
the proper shape.
make his face look on the outside what
tried
shakes,
looked like to him on the inside. People became exasperated with him be
so he was very
cause of this obsession,
this story made
lonely. Obviously,
me nervous,
as
a
was.
I
But
it
uncle
my
gave
young
happy ending. The
to become a great actor, famous for his
to look differ
boy grew up
ability
ent in each of his many
roles. My
uncle
said the actor's choice
is not
to be or
29
not
to be, but
to be and not to be. He
and self-forgetfulness.
an oddball.
uncle's
My
than that posed
greater
6.
Summer
by
a kindred
said the boy's
secrets were
in Antarctica?
sympathy
is no danger
There
spirit.
A Life in the Temperate Zone (II)
Virginia met Gerald when her brother Henry brought him home one
the opinion
that the two were bound to like one an
expressing
to enu
for reasons of which he was convinced but found superfluous
weekend
other
merate.
This was
Gerald
and Henry
a
ordinary enough way for young couple
in a more
remarkable
fashion.
had met
to meet,
an
tickets
Quite
they had both bought
independently,
beat play on the same June evening. The experimental
It was chockful
called "Detached Retinas."
pleasantly
but
to see the same off
was rather un
play
a none
of menace;
at the small
threat of physical violence was directed throughout
in effect, the play's ruling symbol, consti
The audience was,
too-vague
audience.
tuting not only the "detached retinas" of the title, but, by the quick
of
metonymy
the time,
a corrupt,
impotent
government
and a mean
spirited, philistine and pathological society. The high point of the piece
was
actress
sense
the monologue
of a good-looking
young
(one had the
that she was there to rebel against her pleasant, privileged
childhood) who
to
in
be
and
the
The
old, blind, disabled,
pretended
ethnically
minority.
to show the
the actress stripping
speech ended with
beauty underlying
each skin ?no matter
color. There was even
how aged, no matter what
some
directed at the first couple rows of seats just
genuine
expectoration
to
of
the
manifestation
all
this beauty. Only Gerald and Henry
prior
stayed
to the end. Both
to
the
walked
afterwards,
applauded politely,
subway
waited
same
for the same northbound
pole.
In the subway
train, entered
car was a
genuine
the same car, held on to the
old woman.
She was
not
black, but shemay possibly have been disabled. Two juvenile white delin
quents
got
on
rhythm-section.
stared straight
at the third stop.
the sounds of a rock
loudly
They made
First one, then both began to abuse this old woman,
who
terror. When
the train
ahead, perhaps blindly,
perhaps in
at the next station Gerald and Henry
looked at one another for the
stopped
first time,
nodded,
smiled,
and counted
to five.
Then
they
threw
the
punks bodily out of the car just before the doors shut and it rushed from
the station.
30
all this, it seemed only natural to Henry
that, as he had a sister, he
were
to
Gerald
destined
become
and
brothers-in-law.
Given
about a year later. He was moving
up nicely at
Virginia
was
a
on a
two years into mortgage
and he already
the large corporation
in the suburbs. His neighbors were very glad when
he
split-level house
it troubled them profoundly
that a single man should live in a
married;
Gerald married
or
to Virginia
for a family. Marriage
was
anyone else was certainly not part of Gerald's
original plan, but he
to
in
it.
Vir
about
nonetheless
addition
his
love
for
Besides,
very happy
to her brother,
to
his
attachment
the marriage
and
ginia
actually did much
advance and deepen his work,
this work,
though it also complicated
plac
that was
house
ing colossal
so
intended
obviously
and unprecedented
demands
on his reserves
of objectivity.
After the wedding, Gerald kept his notes, which his marriage did so
to
much
under
amplify,
lock and key. That was
the least of the necessary
adjustments.
Nuns
Hound's-Tooth
7.
Virginia's brief affairwith the thieving son of a local contractor shocked
her so much
it. On
that to this day she will not talk about or acknowledge
is
the
for historiographie
reasons,
when,
topic
utterly
?
"five
invent vague euphemisms
she will
years ago"
(e.g.,
those rare occasions
unavoidable,
not even "what
happened five years
and forgets.
overlooks,
ago"). Mostly
she denies,
represses,
ignores,
is not so trivial as at first appears.
The affair began for a reason which
to restaurants whereas Virginia
adores eating out.
Gerald dislikes going
?
Worse
yet, in his line of work Gerald frequently must eat in restaurants
to
Virginia,
by the nature of things, used
in the antediluvian
days when people still
the birth of their
"homemaker."
After
word,
quite famous ones?while
be tied to her house. This was
often
used
the Prussian-sounding
second child they had moved
a very
grand
affair
skylights and decks and play and powder rooms, gadgets andmod
with
cons
into their second house,
galore.
It is, indeed,
so wonderful
and complicated
an establishment
ones surrounding it) that
(though not easily distinguishable from the
it: insects are devouring
the deck,
is always wrong with
something
on
are
on
the skylights
is
the fritz,
oven-fan
leaking like portholes
Lusitania.
Now
Gerald,
sincerely
or otherwise,
stood
on his
rights
most
the
the
of the
31
time and categorically
refused to go out to eat. Virginia, who understood
to
in her own way,
insisted on Gerald's weekly
their contract
obligation
"show her a good time," as she put it. Of course, as in all real marriages,
of them,
this sit com was merely
the tip of awell submerged
iceberg?two
on an aversion to
to restaurants was
in fact. Gerald's objection
based
really
on. This went
being waited
one, until his parents went
to his childhood, which was a
pampered
an Electra in New York harbor
down with
back
for tuition and the split
during his sixteenth year, leaving enough money
like her friends,
could not complain,
level house in the suburbs. Virginia
that her husband did not help around the house orwith the kids, could not
cook for himself, insisted on her doing everything for him. After all, he
on his own buttons. He
ironing, sewed
on condition
a
ject to her hiring
though
cleaning woman,
was
at
he
work.
would
only appear while
even did his own
did not even ob
that the woman
She was midway
For her part, Virginia was radically discontent.
a
tween
age for any woman
subliminally
dangerous
thirty and forty,
be
edu
cated to believe that her lifewill essentially end with her fourth decade.
then there was
her best friend, and Anne, her worst
enemy.
morose
a
of
from
and
but
after
Eddie,
couple
separated sadly
themselves
months
had begun to date men who were
separated
whining
or divorced.
had for that very reason
Anne, whom
detested,
Virginia
And
Barbara,
had
Barbara
enormous
hatred of Anne was noth
Indeed, Virginia's
sort mothers
feel to
and
housewives
generally
envy?the
and resolutely happy career women who joyfully proclaim
authority
ing but uneasy
ward successful
for her.
and amatory.
triumphs, mercantile
son was
The contractor's
thieving
practiced and smooth. On the day he
came to fix the
not
himself any crude passes. He was
did
allow
skylights he
their
respectful, he played innocent, he joked around, he told a few melancholy
details
about himself
ments.
He
in an entre-nous
some timid
spirit, he offered
compli
so that he could return the next
day,
left the job incomplete
meet
too. On this occasion he suggested
for a drink
they might
perhaps
was
on a lunch
a
was
at
some time?you
loose
and
he
end
while
she
know,
break.
to loan the contractor's
convinced Gerald
later Virginia
son twenty thousand dollars. She was going to start a florist shop
thieving
with him; after all, the children no longer needed her at home, not even
Three months
Bruce,
32
who
was
slow but hardly
irresponsible.
Gerald
to the catas
mixed
feelings all the way through
could have foreseen. He missed nothing,
except the
took notes with
trophe, which
anyone
twenty-grand.
8.
ad Parnassum,
Gradus
Puer
Wow, have Iwritten awicked set of verses! But what should I do with
them?Why did Iwrite them? They could easily be taken amiss?in fact,
to take them?and
is no other way
they could definitely blow my
someone.
not
to
to
I
them
like
show
would
Still,
Sillary
Certainly
is only
not that
there
either.
and
No,
Seth,
phoney-baloney
Hilary,
surely
one person to whom
I could show my little poem, and he is the riskiest
there
cover.
reader of all. The
risk itself
is alluring.
aMarlboro
in my locked room.
after midnight.
smoking
me a
was
feeling
always gives
powerful
Everyone
asleep, something which
at the trees, the
smoke
I sat by the open window,
of freedom.
blowing
Iwas
It was
Mullins' house, the heated garages and fertilized lawns. I thought of the
vast
system
of food
distribution,
electrical
grids,
the malls,
commuter
trains, air-conditioning ducts. I thought of the high school, all dark and
implacablewith itsOlympic-sized swimming pool, huge parking lot, and
scent of terror?poetic
indeed. Of course I thought of Seth's delicious
of amother with her juicy and heartbreaking
voice, of the crushing
sow
nor
mality of this banal and expensive way of living. I thought of Bill's hearty
family with their good teeth and blond hair, so briefly fond of their new
car. Home
units. Toys. Golf
clubs. Diplomas
entertainment
in February. Shopping,
framed on panelled walls. Cruises
shopping,
shop
came as if
verses.
wrote my wicked,
I
wicked
Then
somehow
They
ping.
Uncle Henry would
from dictation.
them, I'm afraid. Ladies
appreciate
German
and gentlemen:
water, wandering
jews,
Glittering
A big-breasted
stews,
daughter, mulligan
a
screen door,
of camphor,
Odor
rattling
a colossal bore,
in Stamford,
A friend down
Scotch
Most
Cool
in sauce,
Danish
money,
herring
a loss,
are sunny, most
evenings
days
breezes at midnight,
breakfast with
toast,
that's worth
Green salts in the firelight, five bills in the post,
33
Joy on the hammock, lethargic in bed,
Eats broiled haddock, but eats itwith dread,
about ulcers, dreams of the sea,
Learned about pulsars on public tv,
Writes
loads of checks, but seldom a letter,
Concerned
Troubled by sex, thinks it should be better,
to the kids,
Is good
rather
less to the wife,
Too high with his bids, but then bridge isn't life.
bright henna toenails,
are like whales',
her best friends, whose
hips
Green Mercedes-Benz,
Contemns
Glows
the mall,
through
in restaurants
commanding,
Pads down the hall, shouts from the landing,
Knows
to do both
what
to wear
When
Reads
quite
blue, when
a lot, got
at wedding
to offer
straight A's
and wake,
sponge cake,
in college,
Yet who cares a jot for all of her knowledge?
support, of culture a fan,
Religion's
Loves a resort, barely tolerates man,
a
gifted consumer,
Fights ennui,
is
breast hides no tumor,
she whose
Happy
Her figure holds still, though, it's not quite firm,
Regrets that the Pill hadn't spared her from sperm,
Her
succeed,
girl will
on
lovers
Takes
need,
Do
Have
No,
and her kitchen's
she's not
electric,
loose but
eclectic.
these lines prove I am so far from being slow that I am precocious?
I lost my so-called innocence? Am I truly a spy?
the verses are not really any good, but they are cynical and obser
vant. Can
one be observant
and not cynical?
I shall someday
have
to ask
Uncle H., but for now I shall do with these verses what people do with
most
candid
9.
Carpathian
snapshots.
Five cars stood
graduation
gift),
I still await my
vocation.
Comedy
Gerald's, Hilary's
(a
shining in the driveway: Virginia's,
one
more.
was
two
brand new, glit
them
of
and
Every
tering like a jewel against the foil of the lawn. I pulled up on the gravel,
34
took
a
At
deep breath,
the moment
into the mirror,
headed
grinned
was
I arrived, Richard
Lapidus
for the front door.
seated
in the living
room drinking a bloody mary with a piece of lime in it and trying out lies
on Gerald.
"I can tell Marlene
and Sheila
that my mother's
sick and pick Meredith
up after the ceremony. Or I can bring Meredith to the party, tell Sheila I
an emergency
meeting
Marlene
have
know, maybe
have
thing."
Gerald
and that I'll meet
to my
fly up
place
her for dinner
in the mountains
rose from
to greet me.
the deep couch of the conversation
pit
twice in the distance, pinball noises rose from the play
me and had pre
nephew, who had opened the door for
The
phone rang
room below.
My
tended he was not
to see me, must have returned
pleased
and sister are getting
dressed; Dad's
"My mother
depths.
room." A good act.
"Great to see you, Hank,"
said Gerald,
perhaps acting,
"You remember Richard,
of course."
"Oh,
and, I don't
or some
of course. Hi
sort of drama
"Hello."
there, Richard,"
I said breezily,
fully
to the lower
in the living
perhaps
not.
aware of what
I had entered.
was
opulently
glum and overdressed.
a
in wearing
robe and a droll smile. "Henry! You're
Virginia
here!" She gave me a quick kiss that avoided spoiling her makeup,
and
on the
turned to Lapidus.
"That was Marlene
she announced.
phone,"
Richard
came
"Oh God, you didn't tell her Iwas here, did you?"
"No,
but
it doesn't
should be here herself
much
matter.
in about
Richard.
"Oops," mumbled
sat down and laid out
Gerald
She
said she was
taking
a cab and
forty minutes."
the situation
for me.
I said, tapping my fingers together like a surgeon, "it seems to
that this game can only be properly played if you contrive to see
all three of them today. Anything
else would
be like cheating at solitaire.
It's a challenge."
I could see Richard
liked my spirit. He was not without
resources, after
"Well,"
me, Dick,
all, and hardly one to shrug off a challenge.
an
"It's pretty complicated,"
he offered with
intrigued grin.
not
a
I
"But
observed with
raised finger.
insoluble,"
at me. "If Marlene will be here in
Gerald winked
forty minutes,
she can
35
come
to the graduation
"Try and stop her,"
with
us."
said Richard.
"Fine," I said. "Then that takes care of her. All you have to do is get rid
don't you fake a phone call? You've
of her after the ceremony. Why
got a
in your car, don't you?"
phone
"Sick mother,
business meeting,
that's not bad," said Richard.
"Hey,
in jail, ex-wife
suicide."
attempting
"I like that last one," I said. "She'd be
Seth
that way
And
could
you
"Withyou?"
"Right. Then
I could
drop her,
drive
say, with
her back
sympathetic
me."
and triumphant.
or the
to your
airport."
place
is already there."
of the others
"Not to my place?one
"But what
about Hilary's
party?" Gerald asked.
me
an hour or so."
miss
for
won't
"Oh, you
Richard had been thinking. "Okay, soMarlene goes off with Henry
and I go to pick up Sheila and bring her back for the party."
"Then
fake phone
another
call?"
I suggested.
"Butwhat aboutMeredith? She's at the house. How do I hold her off?"
at your
place?"
his Rolex.
consulted
Richard
"She's
"Probably.
she's got a key."
to be away until suppertime.
And
"Easy. Call her up and tell her you've got
The pool's full, isn't it? The Jacuzzi's working?"
"You're pretty good at this," Gerald offered with
"Strictly
phone."
"Now,
imagination,"
I allowed,
"and a grasp
let me
said Richard.
get this straight,"
So I laid it out for him once again, while Gerald
to record
haps
a chuckle.
of the uses of the tele
some
quick notes
in his study before
excused
putting
himself, per
on his tie and
jacket.
A Life in the Temperate Zone (HI)
Life in theTemperateZone will assuredly be the seminalwork of sub
io.
urban
Freud
unborn
his
scholars
Gerald
McCormack
last name.
It was
36
founder?its
the discipline's
tome will be required reading for
The monumental
and, in the fullness of time, Gerald will become his work,
anthropology,
and Darwin.
not his
intent
to originate
anything
methodological,
of course.
Nothing was further from his mind. Gerald expected merely to adapt the
research
he had
procedures
turned up.
Indeed,
he wished
learned
in school
fervently
to a new
to preserve
area and see what
his objectivity,
which
he naively and romantically imagined the early field-anthropologists had
maintained
beaches
on
on the
the edges of the villages
they infiltrated mentally,
of the islands they invaded only with
their notebooks
and spec
tacles.
in the subdivision
the remnant of his patri
secured with
split-level
his lookout tower; his job with
the
mony was to be his base-of-operations,
ameans of
no more intention of
He
had
large corporation merely
funding.
a vice
a
than
of
starting
getting married,
family?of
becoming
president
so
to
To
him
that the success of
going native,
begin with,
logic told
speak.
The
on his detachment.
his enterprise would
depend entirely
of the questions
raised by Gerald's work
The complexity
leaves me per
in them. For example, what
is Gerald's precise
plexed. One gets quite lost
not a diarist or
attitude toward his life? He is a suburban anthropologist,
re
In
his
their
and
destined
final
form,
copious notes will
autobiographer.
the same scientific purity of timbre as a mathematician's
sound with
of aman's
to
in his material
immersion
yet Gerald's
(an odd way
speak
into question not just the objectivity
of
calls
his
work
existence)
but ?and
this is farmore profoundly distressing?the
treatise. And
subjectivity of his
are
of his relationships
To be sure, other
objects of observation.
have watched
live and raised self-conscious
and women
themselves
life. All
men
on
no one had done so
bordering
solipsism, but
or
as Gerald McCormack.
in quite the same spirit
for the same purposes
am I to make,
it
him
have
been
all
observing
doing
(I
along?what
ness to levels of refinement
of my own peculiar position?)
has been assiduous. He is invariably one of the very first to adopt
new trends ?to
a
at discount
stores, buy a car with
department
shop
on
sit
Wankel
drink
mineral
take
water,
up bicycl
engine,
pipe furniture,
then,
Gerald
them quickly. He is not insincere, at least in so far as
to the social scientist with
such a relation to his work. As
ing?but
he drops
sincerity
he once
belongs
said to me,
often
"What
the result of what
people
they studied
in the suburbs
do with
in school." Naturally,
their
lives
I observed
is
that
a dentist has an office inwhich to be a dentist and a home inwhich not to
be one, but Gerald just shrugged, saying: "Think of it thisway: Other
men have boats or lathes in their basements; my hobby ismy job andmy
37
family, my neighbors and friends.My realwork is to identify underlying
to examine
relations,
patterns and significant
analyze driving,
shopping,
I told him it still
cultural determinants."
lawn sports, conjugal duties,
to me and always would.
seemed weird
in his
is a nice guy, none nicer. He once told me about niceness
more
status
im
is actually
inimitable
style. "In the country and in the city,
to
I
in
it
is
than
the
suburbs.
know
be
but
otherwise,
portant
supposed
Gerald
the matter or thought
say so have not fully examined
through
In the rural areas or in the cities inequality
In
is presumed.
or
status is based on considerations
the former,
like parentage
periods of
on
or
on
in the city
in the
residence;
money
power. However,
primarily,
can
a
a
in
To
be
fundamental
assumed.
live
suburb
suburbs,
given
equality
those who
the evidence.
are
at all requires a certain level of income, and the
neighborhoods
mostly
too new to establish prestige on an accounting
For these
of generations.
in the suburbs. In a sense, it is niceness it
reasons, niceness is at a premium
there is, though it is actually more amatter
hierarchy
of being in or out." So perhaps Gerald's nice
of approval or disapproval,
ness is
coloration? Oh my.
protective
self that creates what
"What
of deception!"
powers
I once
cried
in horror
and admiration.
"Andwhat ifVirginia were to find out?" I exclaimed aloudwhile, tomy
self, Iwondered
divorce.
if Gerald might
some
day need material
on my dissertation
"Let's just say I'm still working
but Iwould
said simply. He is very modest,
Gerald
for a chapter
on
and leave it at that,"
a lot to know
give
how he keeps himself straightwith himself.
n.
Playrooms
versus
Powder
Rooms
Seth Lapidus tilted the pinball machine for the third time in a row and
school had given him vocabu
The military
four expletives.
a veneer of
and a brushcut,
along with
discipline. He called
lary, muscles,
now
men
In
"sir."
shot
all
The word
"sir."
he
called
his father
fact,
grown
pronounced
out of him like a fist.
"God,
sometimes
"The playroom?"
"No. This town,
this place," he said to Bruce.
Bruce sat on the pool table watching
Seth get angry.
so
the adults. They're
all
screwed up."
I hate
said Bruce slowly,
"Well,"
ents are very nice people."
38
"it's comfortable
here,
and I think our par
"Nice?" Seth pounded his fist on the glass top of the pinball machine
"You're the only really nice one,
theatrical bitterness.
and laughed with
were
smarter
be."
if
and
Bruce,
you wouldn't
any
you
smarter I'd see that
"You mean
if Iwere
nice, or that I
people weren't
nice?"
be
wouldn't
"Maybe both."
"What are you
"You wouldn't
so mad
about,
Seth?"
understand."
off the pool table and took his place at the pinball machine.
not remember
to
yell at her brother for
Hilary pounded down the stairs
to take Pebbles out. There had been an accident on the no-wax kitchen
ing
Bruce
floor.
got
"You
ditso!"
she began.
to the women
in his magazines.
He
Seth compared Hilary unfavorably
were
a
were
must
Her
nails
be.
if she
still virgin and decided she
wondered
too long and her hair too carefully done. He thought he grasped her
turn out more like the
sister would
if his younger
he
shallow Hilary or that passionate
slut, their mother. When
deliberately
was away at school he missed his mother
and thought of her as a victim; in
to do either. He was perpetu
it impossible
he
found
her presence,
though,
priorities
and wondered
ally infuriatedwith his father but gladly took every bribe. All thatmoney
intoxicated
and intimidated
him.
It was
Seth who
didn't
understand
his
is Bruce's vocation.
anger, not Bruce. Perhaps understanding
Seth said unctuously.
"You look terrific, Hilary,"
to
"Thanks. You're
my party, aren't you?"
coming
miss it for the world."
"Wouldn't
"Good."
"Check out my new car?"
"I saw it in the driveway. Nice?black's
to do this summer?"
you going
"Taking flying lessons. Scuba,
how to break a guy's neck with
12.
A Performance
great
Sailing. Martial
one hand."
on an Original
for sports cars. What're
arts. Yesterday
I learned
Instrument
of the school board, honored
and gentlemen
friends, parents,
of the graduating
and you, members
class, I consider it a singular honor to
"Ladies
have been invited to speak to you today?even if Ihad to insist upon it.As
most of you know, I am this year retiring as principal of the high school
39
this will most
and, consequently,
of any kind. Having
speaking
public
probably
be my
last chance
years
spent forty-four
to
indulge in
in education ?
many of them infront of a class?I will find that not somuch a great loss
but
rather an enormous
dox
step this afternoon
I should like to take the unortho
relief. Anyway,
to tell
of using the occasion
like the
something
truth. I hope this break with ritual and tradition will be overlooked in
view of my age; indeed, I feel certain itwill be.
not leave here under the
"First off, graduates,
that
please do
impression
sense of the word,
a few of
educated. True,
you are, in any meaningful
a
to
have
learn
few
virtue
of your own
you
managed
things ?mostly
by
more
Let
curiosity or,
likely, your need for psychological
compensation.
us be frank,
one another,
then at least from me to you. This
as an educational
nor is it
institution,
high school does not exist
part of an
we
over the adolescents
educational
do here is keep watch
system. What
to
of awealthy
not
and
them
from matriculating
try
community
prevent
at
whose
colleges and universities
degrees will help to ensure that these
adolescents
driver's
if not with
become
education,
ual hygiene,
in their
wealthy
cooking,
school
offers
courses
in
sex
skills, parenting,
transcendental medi
life-enhancement
guitar-playing,
French
turn. This
transactional
analysis,
a mate for life, ka
to
how
engine rebuilding,
four-cylinder
pick
alcohol education,
rate, popular bestsellers,
lifestyle awareness,
avoiding
Our
and
curriculum
addiction,
is, for
drug
dieting.
college preparatory
an
most
our
more
or
the
occasion for
frustrated
part, merely
egomaniacal
tation,
teachers
The
board
to
indulge
themselves
while
over
that smoking
ilege and entitlement
and I have twice this year found
even before
school grounds
whose
40
to the bathrooms
longer confined
in the gymnasium
couples fornicating
are a
and the
hallways
emporium
pharmaceutical
amoto-cross
dirt track. Grades are routinely
changed for
have
and
those
students
influence,
parents
lacking such
progenitors
physically
frequency. Threats of another
astounding
this year alone five female
female
is no
re
people have
of student priv
lunch. The
students
well-connected
losing most of their students.
political attitudes of the school
and guilt-ridden
generous
of you parents toward these fine young
or so, in such a condition
the last generation
consistently
and most
sulted,
minate
utterly
teachers
gender
students
accused
threaten
their
teachers
sort are not uncommon
six male
of sexual harassment,
and one
and an evangelical
temperament.
with
either:
of rape, two
teacher of being of indeter
Nine
teachers
of our graduating
arson
of aggravated assault or malicious
but for the efforts of their parents,
aunts, uncles, and cousins.
to
are risible,
"The salaries paid
given the concentra
myself and my staff
seniors would
have been convicted
around us. We would
do considerably better were we to re
a
ceive but
tenth of the cash you parents have spent on all the cars bought
as
It is no longer amusing to me to be
graduation
gifts in the last month.
informed by a corporate lawyer or dermatologist
who makes twenty times
tion of wealth
a vow
my salary that teachers are sacred and their divine vocation
requires
of poverty.
It does not do my heart good to know that not one of my fac
can afford to live here or that, should one of you
a cab
ulty
require
during
it will probably be driven by a teacher.
the summer,
"As you go forth,
tragic, that whining
bear inmind
that life is unfair and essentially
as
art and not
when
only
expressed
high
always then, that the story of every human life is a story of failure, and
a function
is essentially
that youth
of one's capacity for disillusionment.
?as
Do not congratulate
is the custom on these occasions ?
yourselves
that your elders have screwed the world up and that you will not. Be as
children,
is bearable
screw
more
it up in your turn,
perhaps
irremediably.
on
in public and to learn a little
cosmetics
compassion
to earn a
lives by party
that he who
living. Remember
sured that you will
Try to avoid putting
for people trying
as an end-in-itself
ing will die by it and that copulation
tutissimus ibis.
than a bit of fun. Medio
"Now
diplomas
13.
come forward
if you will
as I announce your name.
Apocalyptic
for these
is at best no more
ludicrously
over
elaborate
..."
Hoe-Down
is a certain reprehensible,
in setting
malicious
time
pleasure
From a safe distance one can observe?
and firing off torpedos.
of binoculars,
of periscopes ?the
terrible
through the detached mediation
a
at
actions.
but fascinating consequences
one's
To
of
child,
least, the sense
There
bombs
of responsibility is indirectly proportional to the distance; thus, this pleas
ure is only slightly tinged with guilt. It is a childish pleasure, to be sure,
but
then,
after all, I am still a child,
Upon
returning from Hilary's
the house with
the understanding
fore the party began?drive
as everyone
to remind me.
conspires
at
Richard
graduation,
dropped Marlene
that Uncle
her back
Henry
would
at once?be
to the
airport hotel. He would
have
flirted all theway had Inot intervened,making sure thatMarlene and Seth
41
were
to one another. Marlene
introduced
had never met
Seth before and,
for their respective reasons, the two took to each other and decided to stay
at the noisy party. There was
little poor Uncle H. could do, let alone
Mom andDad, who had their hands full.
Seth
lene,
and Marlene
talked, ate, danced,
was
touched
that
as I surmised,
The
postured.
the unfortunate
immovable
Mar
as yet
boy
at
from his life while,
was
of his mother's
attempt to remove herself
same
was
not
to this chance of
the
insensible
time, she
endearing herself
as it
to the magnanimous
to
and
were)
gallant Richard,
flying
(maternally,
Seth and Marlene
ex's bedside in spite of everything.
danced together very
a
in
Seth
Marlene
and
ride back to the air
my opinion,
nicely,
promised
oblivious
in his new
port hotel
sports car.
black
Not satisfiedwith this, a half-hour later I took the ecstatic Seth aside
and pretended to beg him on Hilary's behalf to go to his father's new crys
to fetch
tal palace
reluctant
some of the record
he kept there. He was so
that he convinced
her to go along with
Iwaved
from the deck.
to part with Marlene
him, which was fine with me.
collection
When Seth andMarlene came back theywere a good deal less jolly, a
great deal less ? deux.Meredith was with them (squeezed into the sports
car's back
seat). She had insisted
on
coming
along
too, her long black hair
still damp from her swim.
arrived only fifteen minutes
Richard
later with
Sheila,
the third nail in
his coffin. By then the house was filled with dishes, confusion, plastic
chairs,
glasses,
folding
champagne
seniors. The complex
confrontation
and graduating
rhythms,
took place in the dining room, and I
back-beat
must sayRichard Lapidus handled itwith admirable aplomb. He laughed
was I
a lot, as one
might who knows he holds the best cards. "Well, what
on
to do?" he announced
"You
all showed up
the
seigneurially.
supposed
same
No
day.
juggler's perfect!"
The women
looked
at one another,
each waiting
for one of her rivals to
ruin her chances by showing herself a virago or by calling for feminine
solidarity.
Perhaps
they all wanted
to, but none
actually
did. Maybe
the
stakeswere too high. Seth looked terrified, lustful and hostile all at once.
He was
trust fund.
he was thinking of his tremendous
silent too?perhaps
a
went
half-hour
then
back to
all five of them stayed for
In the end,
Richard's
mansion
and heated
42
pool
where,
I presume,
all awaited
them,
the liquor cabinet, hot-tub,
Jacuzzi,
as ever to
any non
ready
liquidate
financial
To Marlene's
catastrophe.
over with
she drove
credit,
Seth.
I sawUncle Henry wink atme from his hiding place in the far corner of
the deck, just as if themischief had been his doing rather thanmine. Could
it be we
14.
are both
subversives,
Below
the Level
Just
saboteurs?
spies,
of
the Temperate
Zone
In the Study
A.
I anticipated, my notes for today have been exceptionally
extensive
once
was
to
at
It
delicate
and
observe
hard-won.
difficult
and
and
Hilary
As
her friends, listen toHenry's wilder speculations, keep track of Richard's
also serving as host, hubby,
and proud parent.
to surprise and
me,
just as Hilary refuses
provoke
to fulfill every conceivable
determined
generalizaiton
while
little contretemps,
son continues
My genius
to. It is as if she were
of suburban
and Bruce
anthropology
to prove
resolved
equally
rules solely
by providing endless exceptions to them. Virginia did quite well today;
her back became
hind
her.
Rhine
glasses
B.
she was
In fact,
that
Maidens
of champagne.
In the Car
Because
once
better
the strain of preparing
for the party was be
so amused
and the
by the drama of Richard
she even
The
forgot
kinship
one
group
of his rage and his money,
of her
remains,
Seth will
atomized.
however,
run
into
two
and had
allergies
trouble
at his
military school. His fatherwill pull strings to get him admitted to some
college,
but he will
have
to
out.
aiming
Simultaneously
drop
soul I suppose to be a soup of mixed
escape his father (Seth's
he will attempt to join the Air Force. He will,
of course, wish
to
please
and
intentions),
to become a
pilot. The Air Force will inform him that he must finish college first.
Thus, he will return to school with a purpose and graduate high in his
it neatly through flight school. With
class, join the Air Force, and make
his father's help, he will get himself assigned to the nearest airbase. Per
one
he will
have his plane fueled and armed?
spring morning
haps
take
cannon?and
off
for his old neighborhood,
for the
rockets, bombs,
vicinity of the high school that expelled him, the crystal palacewhere he
never felt at home, his mother's muddy midden. He will begin his initial
run around
strafing
driveways,
golfers
the most
teeing
the time
devoted
that
the first
tennis players
runners
are
are
taking
jogging
two,
up their
the earliest
up.
43
C.
At theWindow
I imagine my uncle thinks as he drives home to his busy unknown
life in
and mercurial.
the city. He has a loose and speculative mind, undisciplined
He avoids serious matters,
preferring jokes and incessant ironies. I suspect
we are for him a sort of side-show, while
is wholly
in
his real existence
In this lies our kinship and our separation. That is, our kinship may
and yet do neither of us any good.
be mutually
recognized
ward.
My own life here is pleasantly stifling, comfortably stockedwith the ap
a
of boredom. My mischievousness
purtenances
sign of the
today may be
I am headed: a life of ghostly, marginal
in which
direction
experimenta
tion without
roots, love, or purpose. A life of longing and sarcasm.
it must be elsewhere.
If I am ever to find my vocation
44