Mermaids
Family and individual support for teenagers and
children with gender identity issues
Where do the Mermaids stand?
Poetry, prose, artwork and personal stories
by children, young people and their parents
Contents
page
Mermaids and Action for Children
1
Acknowledgements
2
Introduction
2
In the words of children, young people and parents
4
Useful links and contacts 29
Mermaids and Action for Children
Mermaids was started in 1995 by a small
group of committed parents who each had
a child with a gender identity issue. Since
then, despite working with often very little
financial support, and with always a small
group of proactive participants, it has grown
in numbers and now supports approximately
400 families and individuals across the UK.
Mermaids’ aim is to support children and
teenagers who are trying to cope with gender
identity issues. It:
• offers support and information to parents,
families, carers and others, including
professionals
• raises awareness about gender issues
among professionals and the
general public
• campaigns for the recognition of this issue
and an increase in professional services
with trained gender identity disorder (GID)
aware staff
Mermaids works with families and carers
to help them to:
• have a greater understanding of their
child’s issues and how these affect them
• help their child overcome any problems
they may have
Action for Children is one of the UK’s leading
voluntary sector providers of children’s
services. It has around 420 projects, helping
over 156,000 children, young people and
families across the UK. The organisation
also supports work in southern Africa, the
Caribbean and Central America.
Action for Children helps the most vulnerable
children and young people in the UK break
through injustice, deprivation and inequality,
so they can achieve their full potential. The
organisation has extensive experience of
working with other organisations to deliver
the best possible services for children, young
people and families. The partnership between
Mermaids and Action for Children is a good
example of joint working.
Acknowledgements
Introduction
We thank the fantastic and courageous
children, young people and parents who
have been so generous in their creative and
sincere contributions.
Mermaids and Action for Children have worked
together to produce this anthology of poetry,
prose and artwork created by children, young
people and parents.
Thanks to Linda, Susie and all at Mermaids
for providing the original anthology for
reworking, and Wendi Bestman and Paul
Devlin at Action for Children for working
with Mermaids to produce Where do the
Mermaids stand?
The aim of this publication is to:
• provide a platform for creative expression
by children, young people and parents
living with or affected by gender
identity issues
• raise awareness of the thoughts, feelings
and perspectives that individuals and
families who are living with gender identity
issues have and take ownership of
This anthology project is part of a larger
portfolio of joint work between Mermaids and
Action for Children that promotes equality
and inclusion for children, young people and
families in respect of gender identity issues.
2
www.actionforchildren.org.uk
Giants, Wizards, and Dwarfs
was the game to play
Giants, Wizards, and Dwarfs was the
game to play. Being left in charge of about
eighty children age seven to ten years old,
while their parents were off doing parenty
things, I mustered my troops in the church
social hall and explained the game. It’s
a large-scale version of Rock, Paper and
Scissors, and involves some intellectual
decision making. But the real purpose of the
game is to make a lot of noise and run around
chasing people until nobody knows which side
you are on or who won.
Organising a roomful of wired-up gradeschoolers into two teams, explaining the
rudiments of the game, achieving consensus
on group identity – all this is no mean
accomplishment, but we did it with a right
good will and were ready to go.
The excitement of the chase had reached
a critical mass. I yelled out:
‘You have to decide now which you are
– a GIANT, a WIZARD, or a DWARF!’
While the groups huddled in frenzied,
whispered consultation, a tug came at my
pants leg. A small child stands there looking
up, and asks in a small, concerned voice,
‘Where do the Mermaids stand?’
She took it for granted that there was a
place for Mermaids and that I would
know just where.
Well, where DO the Mermaids stand? All the
‘Mermaids’ – all those who are different,
who do not fit the norm and who do not
accept the available boxes and pigeonholes?
Answer that question, and you can build
a school, a nation, or a world on it.
What was my answer at the moment?
Every once in a while I say the right thing.
‘The Mermaid stands right here by the King
of the Sea!’ says I. (Yes, right here by the
King’s Fool, I thought to myself.)
So we stood there hand in hand, reviewing the
troops of Wizards, and Giants and Dwarfs as
they roiled by in wild disarray.
It is not true, by the way, that Mermaids
do not exist. I know at least one personally.
I have held her hand.
From All I Really Need to Know I Learned
in Kindergarten
by Robert Fulghum
Where do the Mermaids stand?
A long pause. A very long pause.
‘Where do the Mermaids stand?’ says I.
‘Yes. You see, I am a Mermaid.’
‘There are no such things as Mermaids.’
‘Oh, yes, I am one!’
She did not relate to being a Giant, a Wizard,
or a Dwarf. She knew her category. Mermaid.
And was not about to leave the game and go
over and stand against a wall where a loser
would stand. She intended to participate,
wherever Mermaids fit into the scheme of
things. Without giving up dignity or identity.
Where do Mermaids stand?
3
In the words of children, young people and parents
I bring my favourite stuff to school
But other kids can be so cruel
They laugh and point and say ‘Oooh’
And I just don’t know what to do
I bring Barbie to school
But they lie
And when I go they don’t say ‘Bye’
Alex (7)
4
www.actionforchildren.org.uk
‘The first time I heard I was Gender Dysphoric
and what it meant I was quite pleased to know
I was a boy and as months went by I started
to be allowed to have boys things like trucks
etc. A few weeks after I started Year 5 my mum
told Mrs Morris my problems. But there’s still
a bad side to it and it’s getting larger than
the good. The bad side is the people keep on
hassling me and it’s nearly the whole class!
Asking me if I’m going to have a sex change
and why I want to be a boy and I say I am
a boy because I don’t want to tell them the
whole story. One person in Year 6 called me a
lesbian and another a transvestite! People are
going too far on me and don’t realise I’m not a
tomboy and there are loads of girls
that are tomboys in my class
and the school. Sometimes
it’s nice to actually be a boy
but sometimes I think I’ve
got a long way to go till I’m
a full boy.’
‘All the kids I know that have
gender problems. I can’t really
mix with and all I want to do is
talk to them and get through
to them. I think for me getting
through to them is impossible.’
Jake (10)
Jake (9)
Where do Mermaids stand?
5
Half Boy, Half Girl:
Sounds weird, doesn’t it? But it can happen.
Psychologically a boy, physically a girl
basically means: inside boy, outside girl.
The mind is more important than the body,
you’d be dead without a mind, and in the
mind I am a boy and if the mind is more
important than the body, I am a boy.
Jake (9) If this description fits you it doesn’t
mean you’re weird, unless you come
from another planet.
Jake (now 11)
6
www.actionforchildren.org.uk
I do not like boys
I feel a bit on the girls’ side
I do not like my willy
because I want a baby.
I like to dress up as a girl
I used to have a boyfriend
My favourite toy is a Barbie.
When I grow up I am going to
dress up as a girl
Theresa (7)
What is my life? It’s dog’s muck,
that’s what!
I just wake up in the morning feeling
like dog’s muck and at the moment
I’m ill from being depressed.
No-one takes me seriously and they
probably won’t take this writing
seriously or they won’t understand.
I know I’m only 10 but does that
mean I’m just a little kid?
Paul (10)
O God, what have you done
People don’t understand
Shouting out questions
Like a big brass band
They’re horrible and nice
It’s too confusing to be precise
People like me don’t
even understand
I want to talk to someone
That really understands
And no – it’s not my
Mum and Dad.
Peter (8)
Where do Mermaids stand?
7
Thoughts of a distressed
twelve year old
I’m stuck in the body of the other gender!
At first, ignorant reaction of another 12 year
old would be ‘Oooooh! Hmmmmm! WOW!
Oh, my God!’
When I was eleven (it’s surprising how you can
grow up between 11 and 12) someone said
‘Wow! I wouldn’t mind it!’ True, he wouldn’t
mind it for a day (that group of kids were
a bit pervy at the time) but for your life...
the future is scary.
Rumours go around school. Girls go off me.
That’s bad, seeming to be one of the sad kids
stuck in eleven-year-old-hood, who can’t get
a girlfriend and so being stuck around the sad
kids who I hate. The teachers think we should
be friends because they’re nice to me.
Once I saw a girl, and I thought
‘Something should be going up down there!’
Jake (12)
8
www.actionforchildren.org.uk
Gender Blending
Society. A weird place to be. People only see
what they want to see, only hear what they
want to hear, and believe unfounded rumours.
Everything else gets ‘brushed under the
carpet’, as it were. People are scared of
what they can’t, or don’t, comprehend.
I, being a transsexual, know first-hand about
all this double-standard stuff. People see me
as 100% male – in body and mind. Trouble is,
though, that transsexuals may look like one
sex, but their minds function as the other sex.
So, in many ways, society is one big, big bag
of hypocrites. My social life is non-existent,
basically, and because I have not been
accepted by most people, I don’t particularly
want one.
People see me as a young man. They apply
a masculine stereotype to me. When they
find that I am, emotionally, a member of
the female community, they call me queer,
gay, homo... the list goes on. In fact, being
transsexual is not gay. For instance, Mr and
Mrs----------------- are the parents of my
ex-boyfriend. They thought that I was gay,
and banned me from contact with him.
Their fears were groundless. I am not a
homosexual; the only thing wrong with me is
that I am incarcerated in the wrong body. Is
that my fault? Mentally, I function as a girl.
I’m sure his parents wouldn’t mind him going
steady with a girl, so what’s wrong with me?
Essentially I AM a girl!
Where do Mermaids stand?
This is the kind of treatment I get all the time.
I am misunderstood wherever I go. People
only seem to treat me as a male. This is
wrong. People should respect each other as
INDIVIDUALS – forget the stereotypes! I am
a unique individual. You can’t put someone
in a mould – you can’t second-guess who they
are. This is exactly what’s happening to me,
and needless to say, nearly everyone else in
my position.
To achieve our full potential as individuals,
we must be treated as who we are, not as
people think we are. We must be allowed to
think in our own ways. If I say I am internally
female, then people should not keep taking
the proverbial out of me. I should be treated
as a female... not as a male. This is torture
for us transsexuals, and our lives are not
made any easier by ignorant people. We
are discriminated against by immature,
insensitive people, who only think of their own
pride, not the already battered feelings
of their prey.
Anne (16)
9
Stand Strong and Stand Proud...
Faces in the mirror, none appear to be mine
Yet two minds within were once
forced now to twine
Why so I can’t say, why life was so grey
And those around hence, would not
understand sense
For I spoke with my soul,
my heart as my lips
My future as bright as
an impending eclipse
A boy, I say not
A girl, should not say
For if other than ignorance hits
the world, t’would be insane
Those children around me,
cast darkness like chalk
Upon the filth-ridden road
of life I now walk
Stare, laugh and point,
with frozen cold eyes
So why can I smile and forgive your despise?
I care not for money, nor power nor art
I only care for those friends close to my heart
A blessing I should say,
that they hold me so dear
They care not for the differences,
but embrace my life here
Though only there be five,
each one help me strive
And help shield me from pain
that encircles this life
So when someone asks ‘is this
freak boy or girl’
They call me a friend,
their cherished white pearl
And as hallowed as they are,
I guess I’m the one
Who must face the ignorance
of a world now undone
I hear of the others,
who claimed their own lives
Sometimes I wonder if that would be nice
And so here I sit, this girl writing words
10
That if you understand, I know you are birds
Set free from the ignorance of society’s hurts
Fly free my friends, my cherished small birds
And so I sit here and wonder,
whether girl or a boy
My friends stand beside me,
I’m just society’s toy
The one who is exiled, because
they seem to not need ’em
And so should I claim that last
breath of my life
For freedom?
I do not wish for my words to be cruel
Only to reflect what people at school
Do to my heart, the hearts of all like me
I give you this warning, lest my tragedy repeat
And for others like me, I offer you truth
Stand strong and stand proud,
do not give into youth
I lost my will, but you need not lose yours
So stand strong and stand proud
Whilst inside you, fight wars…
Annie, who sadly committed suicide aged 15
www.actionforchildren.org.uk
Intractable Situation
LIFE IS so hard. I don’t know how I cope.
Things just get so difficult: I’m losing all hope;
People seem to find it so very hard to see
How I can be a girl trapped in a boy’s
– a man’s – body.
THEY FAIL to grasp why depression sets in,
They fail to see what’s under my skin.
They mistake me for a boy.
In some ways they’re right
But I refuse to give up without a fight.
I THINK there’s a word for it – transsexuality.
It means across the sexes – where
I don’t want to be.
I have the mind of a woman,
maternal urges and such.
But I have the body of a man
– it’s just all too much.
MY BEARD started growing the other day.
My body maturing in every single way (ugh!)
But not the one I want, the one I need,
The one that will make sure I’m freed.
I NEED release, before it’s too late...
The pressure is getting too much, too great.
What can be done? I’ll have to wait,
For the magical release date...
WILL IT be too late?
To salvage my fate?
Can I hold on
for a few more months
While controlling my hate
FOR MY body – that thing so against my soul
I fear Nature has scored an own goal!
I want to survive. I want to live.
Not male –
But female...
...and in doing so...
...realise my full potential.
Debs (16)
Where do Mermaids stand?
11
I Am
How dare you try to define me? I am more than
a sum total of your categories.
You say I’m gay, or a freak. You can’t know
that. What’s more, it is none of your business.
Do not worry over what I am. Know that I am.
I am a human being, just like anyone else.
I am not in some kind of ‘alternative lifestyle’.
I am not a freak.
I am not different. If I’ve annoyed you,
shoot me now if you like.
I don’t care.
I’m going to die happy
You can do anything to me.
Jessica
So what has brought on this
euphoric sensation?
The Big T that’s what.
T.E.S.T.O.S.T.E.R.O.N.E.
I tell you
It’s the first and last
Drug I’m ever going to take
And I’m on a permanent high
So forget about E’s and Whizz
There’s nothing quite like
this hallucination
And it’s real!
Oh wait, it’s the happy pill.
It’s starting to take effect again.
Would you like to try some?
Good, because it’s all mine.
The first and last hit is for me.
I’m the most important.
I don’t care about anyone today.
I don’t care about the world today.
I have all I need right here in my
backside pocket.
William (18)
12
www.actionforchildren.org.uk
Freedom
Like a bird without wings
I am a man without a face
Without a voice
With no feeling
But I know
This is my life now
I can’t start again
I know what I need
But I don’t do it
Because Dad doesn’t want me to
Pain that I keep inside
Where I am
I can’t wait till I’m free
I’ll fly away
I’ll be able to see my goal clearer
Nothing in my way
Nothing stopping me.
When I grow up I will be a man.
I will look like a man.
I will eat like a man.
I will feel like a man.
I will talk like a man.
And I will breathe like a man.
I am a boy now.
That is, I feel like a boy now.
But I am growing up. And
When I grow up I will be a man.
William (18)
Jake (18)
The Testosterone star
Guides me
To the operating table.
And I am safe. Yes,
I am safe
Because the star is
Guiding me
And I trust it completely.
William (21)
Where do Mermaids stand?
13
When nothing heals
How’s about starting a normal life? But
won’t starting in the middle always be
difficult? But I suppose I never thought
life would be so, well – tricky! What
happens when the only thought that
occupies your mind is ‘I WANT TO BE
NORMAL!’ and suddenly you realise that’s
the only thing you’ll NEVER be.
Of course you have friends offering to
help. But when they will never truly
understand, what’s the point? As soon
as you get close to normality somebody
moves the barriers. Sometimes I try to
convince myself that I am normal, it’s just
the ones who don’t understand or don’t
try to, who aren’t normal. Somehow, I
never can truly convince myself enough.
But when I ask for help, what happens?
Nothing. Exactly.
Perhaps I’m being selfish, stubborn,
paranoid, or one of the thousand
other things I’ve been called.
Why does it all have to be so f******
hard?
Lisa (18)
Sometimes consoling words have no value
(though appreciated)
Because nobody understands
Nobody knows how disgusting it feels
Time is against me
And so is the body.
Every minute struggles by
And knowing one day I won’t feel like this
Sometimes doesn’t make this better
Trying desperately to be positive
Though nothing heals.
I let myself punch walls again
For a moment of release
But I’m still angry
Still drained
Still sickened
Still in pain
I know other people have
problems in their lives too
But that doesn’t help the pain in mine
Because there’s only one cure
Out of reach
But in my view
I don’t want people to feel sorry for me
Or people’s sympathy
Just want to feel at home in the one place
I constantly have to live.
Jake (18)
I’m a girl, he’s a guy
I’m a girl, he’s a guy
What can’t you ‘get’ or be dealing with?
Don’t stare at him or me like you can
feel our frustration
Don’t start asking how and
wondering why
You’re pointing to the sky firing
a search to the critics to where I am
When I’m not yet the doctor’s patient
It’s hard to hide
I swerve and sway, extending my
presence about the places I see around
If I may I’m not such a bad person
14
if you bother to tell
But no-one believes me
when I spell out my name
Just a figment of my own personal pain
Just a lie you spell out clear
Just a phase you’ll pass my dear
I couldn’t help to slouch around,
staring at the plaster on the ceiling
That has me bound.
I’ve never liked drag and
I f****** hate Madonna
So back off with your clichés of what
I can offer I couldn’t help but wonder why
You can’t accept the colour on my nails
www.actionforchildren.org.uk
He’s a guy, can’t you tell?
It’s not a figment of his own
special brand of hell
It’s his turmoil you inflame, the spite
and hate you throw his way, a heavy
object to his complexion. Just a knife to help
him with keeping his attention.
It’s his screaming inside his head that burns
the picture in his mind, and
on the reflection of the mirror
beside his lovely pink bed.
I’d like to push you off a cliff, and
tell you the reasons before you land.
I just couldn’t feel, not a little pissed
When I heard you make him cry
He moves aside and has a moment to feel
The bloody shocked eyes, and the
gripping of his hair.
Don’t you understand it’s his life that he
needs, not a cage that he lives in not the
suffering you like to bury him further in.
You make me sick and terribly tired,
when will you just roll of rooftops and die?
When I realise it’s just another person
trying to live out his life.
Can’t you fill up on paracetamol and pay the
paramedics an adrenaline good time?
But you feel the need to dissect his intent
And make him scared and make him shake
All inside I feel a sigh
or the impotence between us
Or do us a favour and lie down and die
I am a girl with a penis and testicles, haven’t
you realised the feelings why?
Can’t you ‘get’ that all this clutter you heave
on our facades, can’t be the fret that fate
bestows, but it still cuts and bleeds and
motivates me to write this prose
It still wounds the needy
It still steals from the look that’s left wanting
You just couldn’t sit down and listen, could
you? You just couldn’t be the mother and
father you are. You can’t let me be happy at 13;
you had to force me to change outside and let
me fall to pieces within my glass and crystal
sharp edged male exterior. What’s contained
in here? Lots and lots of pain and a hint of
envy. For the faces we see… Who we would
risk our life to be, to be
BITCH
That’s how we feel inside.
So I’m a girl and he’s a guy.
Please remember.
And don’t. Don’t. Ask why.
Lindy (18)
Where a flame makes a sigh? Well…
Blows out and loses a will to burn up the
hate filled eyes that you ejaculate on our
weary broken prison sells
I’d like to make you the f****** mess you
see when pitying me, so your eyes
gather at my clothes
Wondering if these are my real breasts
I’m a girl, and he’s a guy
Let me get it clear for you so you
don’t have to –
Kick us in the Auschwitz in your
category mind
So you don’t have to feel obliged,
to apologize and bore us with
all the similarities in your life.
Let it go and don’t bother me about my penis
Where do Mermaids stand?
15
Ramblings
Confusion fills my mind
Disembodied thoughts and voices
Floating around my head
Who what how
I need to know
I need to change
This isn’t right
I know inside I’m the
one that’s wrong
Lost
Stumbling
I need someone to understand
To listen
Someone who understands
But instead I’m alone and waiting
Maybe one day
I’ll be right
I’ll feel alright
But can I last?
It’s all so hopeless
Isn’t it?
Pointless and foolish
Do I have a chance?
The pain, I long to feel
To make it all real again
To make it all simple
But I can’t
Not again
Never again
Evan (18)
Song of a New Dawn
Back against the wall
Me against the world
That’s how it feels
But unarmed
I crouch, curl up
Hide from the blows of the world
Run through the wilderness of myself
Only to be confronted once more
When you cannot trust yourself
Who can you trust?
When all you are is what you shouldn’t be
But people don’t understand
They don’t listen
Making it even harder for you to speak
Hope that tomorrow
Will bring a better day
Will lift me from this misery
Guide me
Shield me
Hold me
Heal me
I don’t care anymore
I wait for my New Dawn
Evan (18)
16
www.actionforchildren.org.uk
Yetafell Arop Doctor
The Doctor’s Waiting Room
Car ym mhob man
Dar gar car, car-carchar
Sgwr bed diwed Freud
Tasin fyw
Cars everywhere
A prison, two prisons – no, a prison
I wonder what Freud would say
If he was alive
Ar un ochr llumav farwol
Ar y Uall llumav fyw –
Dim bywoliaeth
Cyn lleiad o bobi syn fyw ywa
Aros ar aros am fyth
On one side pictures, alive
On the other, dead pictures
No life for me though
Waiting, but forever?
Dim forold allan yn awr
With gwcs maer dows ar agor
And beth am gwellhai
Sine hyder yn fy nghalor
No way out now
Of course the door’s open
But what about getting better
I’ve got no strength in my heart
Dafydd (20)
Dafydd (20)
As the poem suggests, I was sitting in the
waiting room in the doctor’s surgery. I am
on one side where all I can see are black oil
paintings and a cupboard which acts as an
invisible shield – a prison almost.
I feel an almost urgent desire to get out, to
cross over – and as I do I see fresh paintings
which show life and hope.
This is to me like the transition period,
halfway through. The doors open,
I can leave, change my mind.
But what will that do to me?
Dafydd (20)
17
We are the children
That they look at
And laugh at
We are the children
Whose bodies are scarier
To face than their
Laughter
We are the children
Who must come to terms
With ourselves
And their prejudices
My poems are always written in pencil
because I never feel that I have satisfied my
anxiety that caused me to write it in the first
place and generally to symbolise that they are
not perfect, complete or truthful in explaining
my feelings.
It’s hard to explain something for other
transsexuals because although we probably
share a lot of feelings in common we are all
different. I think it is very important that it is
clear that nobody is worse or better off than
anyone else (both other transsexuals
and generally).
It is very easy to think that someone much
younger being able to be in the gender role
more comfortable to them, is lucky, but being
transsexual in the first place is not lucky.
However I personally find myself forced to
think what I have gained from my situation.
I think the most important thing is a more
secure knowledge that my family do love me
and that the friends I have are real friends.
Strength is also very important. I find myself
very proud to know I got through a day without
having overwhelming feelings of aggression
towards the rest of the world for making me
18
We are the children
That must decide
Who we are
And what we want
And one day
We will be the children
That they look at
And accept
And respect.
Oliver (20)
wrong (which is the way I see it), for not
beating myself up, and for ignoring my body.
Sometimes I can’t sleep and I will lie awake
crying and feeling like I am going mad
because I feel so trapped with no escape,
because some days I can’t accept it. Knowing
it’s OK to cry is so important, particularly I
think for female to male transsexuals because
the general feeling is that men shouldn’t cry
and as a female to male I have thought in
the past that I shouldn’t cry, to cling to my
masculinity. I can, but it’s not necessary. We
are all just who we are.
I sometimes choose between accepting, or
accepting that I can’t accept it. It also makes
me angry when I see my pain getting in the
way of my A levels and I know I work very hard.
I have a lot of determination but sometimes
you can’t concentrate and you see other
people doing fine. You think they don’t have
all your extra problems and you have to work
twice as hard. But you can’t compare yourself
to other people because you don’t know what
problems that they have, and it’s not going to
help you anyway.
James (18)
www.actionforchildren.org.uk
Starlight
I see a light,
Across a nasty sea,
There’s rarely any good news,
Weather forecasts always bleak,
They’re making waves,
Waves, making for
A rough journey through life,
Parents, friends, family, ends
just never will meet with strife,
On this dark sea,
Living a lie,
To fool pirates and sharks,
On boats drifting aimlessly,
But dark skies are filled with marks,
They’re shining stars,
They show the way,
Within dark there’s more to
life, we’re mermaids after all,
We belong in the water,
Despite danger,
So there I sit,
Plan a course by starlight,
Meeting friends along the way,
Together, one day we might
just reach that light.
Lucie (19)
Where do Mermaids stand?
19
For me it has been a gradual process. At the
age of ten I finally persuaded my mum to
agree to have my hair cut short. At this time
I was in the Junior School and there were no
strict rules about the way pupils should look.
There wasn’t even one for uniform, so I got
away with wearing trousers. I participated in
sports and school events and thankfully I was
never bullied for looking a bit different.
At Secondary School there were strict rules
about uniform and I decided it would be
easier if I stuck to them, so I wore a skirt.
Sometimes I look back and wonder if I should
have refused to do this, but I guess I didn’t
want to cause trouble – to me this would have
reminded the teachers and fellow pupils that I
was ‘different’ and so I went along with it even
though wearing a skirt was very hard for me.
During the first two years of Secondary
School, people would ask me if I was going to
have a sex ‘change’ and I would say ‘yes’ – I
never denied it – perhaps this is why I was
never bullied? In the third year the questions
stopped and most people accepted me,
because I didn’t make a fuss about things
like wearing a skirt, people began to forget
that I wanted to be male and so I was treated
as female. I just accepted this at the time
although it hurt. Most of the effort I could have
put into worrying about this was better spent
working for my GCSEs and when it came to
doing my A levels I continued to concentrate
hard on my work which was something of a
relief, because it stopped me thinking about
my gender problems all of the time.
Having said this though, I was finding it
increasingly difficult because of my gender
dysphoria and was referred to St George’s
Hospital for counselling. In the beginning, I
enjoyed it, then it got very boring, but at the
time I left (at 18) I realised that it had been
necessary. At the start I was unable to control
my emotions and was unwilling to talk, but
slowly over the two and a half years I was
there, I started to talk about how I felt, and
became much more able to discuss my Gender
Dysphoria with others.
This year I have begun to live in the male role,
and since leaving St George’s I have made an
effort to talk to my friends and tell them about
my need to go through gender reassignment.
All have been very understanding. I have even
started going back to my Secondary School
to tell my old teachers and they have been
very supportive.
I have been very lucky because I have never
had to deny who I am. Lately someone asked
me a question about my Gender Dysphoria
and I have been honest with them. This, along
with counselling at St George’s has helped
me to reflect on my past and look to the future
with increased optimism.
William (18)
20
www.actionforchildren.org.uk
Will I ever cope with
being a transsexual?
I very often asked myself this question over
and over, and I can tell you there are no easy
ways of coping with being a transsexual.
I know for me, being a female to male
transsexual has not been exactly easy. At
times it’s been so tough that I thought I
wouldn’t get through it, especially school,
but here I am. I did survive school and now
I’m taking the first steps towards being what
I should have been all along. I think that even
though it has been, and still is, rough going,
it’s made me a much stronger person. Not
physically stronger, but inwardly. You see, I’m
now adopting the attitude that if someone
has a problem with the way I am it is THEIR
problem NOT mine. It takes time but you just
have to keep pushing yourself on, even if
you don’t feel like it. And try to blank out the
narrow-minded ignorance that is around.
I recently started a part-time college course in
my new identity, which took a lot of courage
as I have had no surgery or hormones so I
was not sure if I would pass as a nineteen
year old lad or not. Luckily I was the youngest
of the class, the others were a lot older than
me so they didn’t take much notice, but one
rather loud bloke came over, and asked really
‘tactfully’: ‘Are you a boy or a girl, only I can’t
tell the difference these days.’ As all eyes
turned to me, I took a deep breath, and calmly
announced that I was a BOY. After that I had
no more queries, and am actually beginning to
relax and enjoy the course.
But I had prepared myself for the worst and
was ready to deal with anybody who was
going to cause a fuss, but fortunately I didn’t
have to. If society wasn’t so prejudiced, half
of the battle would be won already. I think it is
important not to expect too much from yourself
as I have found through my own personal
experience. You have enough pressure to cope
with already without piling a load more on
yourself. I used to overcompensate for the lack
of maleness by being a bit too ‘macho’ which
on a number of occasions resulted in steaming
rows with my parents. Especially my mum over
the ironing, well, blokes don’t do ironing. Do
they? I usually ended up with more creases
in a T-shirt than when I started it. But I HAVE
grown up a bit since then. I do my bit now. It’s
important to talk stuff over with the people you
are close to, it helps. There is no point acting
the ‘Tough Guy’ if inside you are falling apart.
Other people can put things in perspective,
maybe give you some good advice or just
cheer you up.
And finally give yourself a pat on the back for
the little things you do no matter how small
you think it is. I expect for some people, going
to college would be no big deal, but to me
it was a big step. It takes guts to cope with
being a transsexual, and I will say to anyone
who has ever asked themselves the above
question: Be Strong, Have a bit of faith in
yourself, don’t take any crap from anyone,
and, YES, YOU WILL COPE!
Keith (20)
Where do Mermaids stand?
21
My personal case study
I think it’s a given that any trans person will
have some underlying problems associated
with their gender issues, both with themselves
and with other people. Problems faced with
family, getting professional help, problems in
school, anorexia, self-harm and depression
is a serious but exhaustive collection of
examples and I can relate to most of them too.
I’d always believed from an early age I should
have been born physically a girl because
I knew on the inside I was one. So I told
somebody at about the age of ten years that
I was going to make that change and his
reaction was pretty bad. So I retracted it as a
joke straight away and I have no doubts that I
averted a crisis for myself. It made me realise
who this person was and that there were
plenty of like-minded people at school, so I
thought I was probably wrong about myself
anyway and lived in the dark for quite some
time after that, playing as female characters
in games, much to the wonder of some of my
friends. I even picked a name for myself and
spelt it backwards whenever I got scared
someone would see.
22
I didn’t like puberty and I had reached it
before a lot of others. As I saw boys growing
up (or not, depending on how you look at it for
some of them), I became very low, knowing
that I was being put with this group of
boys with sky-high testosterone levels.
I was never really happy at school
after I hit puberty and I don’t think
I was even clear with myself at first
as to why, I mean, who wouldn’t be
confused, considering I’m an only
child and the reaction I got before? I
was becoming depressed. I was being
something I’m not and over time it took
its toll. For me growing up confirmed
who I am.
School holidays were when I was at my
happiest points. I lived in a house that was
completely sheltered from any neighbours
or passers-by and could be whoever I
wanted, but that is no longer the case.
This change pushed me so low that I was
having urges to self-harm, and still do
today. The main cause of my depression
before was being part of the wrong
crowd; it’s shifted more towards parts
of my body now that I’m out of school.
I wake up with a nasty urge every
single day now and I get quite sick
of it at the best of times. I find even
looking at my own genitals, like in
the bath, really traumatic. At a couple of
times in my life I have even developed an
eating disorder, not being able to keep much
down but I was able to get over that myself,
although my weight hasn’t been great for the
last few years.
www.actionforchildren.org.uk
I have had to deal with parents now that the
academic chapter of my life is over, plus I
have been seeing professionals but mostly
to no avail. It actually turned out to be a big
step backwards as they didn’t know much
about gender problems and I have just been
diagnosed with Asperger’s which doesn’t
really have anything to do with what I have
been feeling – it is an autistic spectrum
disorder and there are plenty of trans people
on that spectrum. It’s even been theorised
that the two are linked. I was actually told that
I am to put all of this to one side and progress
in life – how am I meant to do that, when I
don’t want to live life as I am now? I have been
branded a gay cross-dresser by one parent
which to me implies I am male in heart and
soul which I am not. I have also been told that
I can’t transition whilst the older generations
in the family are still alive so I am to spend
many more years in the closet. I’m now 19 and
fast approaching Uni. I don’t really know how
I am going to cope. But I live in hope that one
day with my lives two will finally become one.
Lucie (19)
Where do Mermaids stand?
23
Essay – Do you believe that you
have gender dysphoric feelings?
When did they begin?
Do not hand in late, or face expulsion
from school, then sex, then species!
In a certain light, yes, although gender
dysphoria does not explain how I feel. I never
used to know there was a difference between
sex and gender, and even now, think they are
very difficult to disentangle. This is not to say
I feel like a male, just because of my biology.
I do, in fact, particularly hate being called a
man, and I wouldn’t call myself it. I have come
to see ‘man’ as implying substance, as seen
in big strong men, which is something I lack in
its entirety.
and that boys who disrespected me (and by
extension, girls) had the problem, not me. The
very qualities that I aspired to, such as hard
work, good manners, morality (inculcated by
my parents) so absent in boys, created an
(unspoken affinity) with girls in the classroom.
During secondary school I became
accustomed to being called gay (derogatively)
and having a range of homophobic abuse
inflicted on me. Thus, my sexuality was
questioned, and in so doing my common
gender was confirmed – in such a way that I
was a failure as a male.
Much as I desired to play with the girls,
however, I lacked the self-confidence to do so,
and was persuaded to think, paradoxically,
that socialising with girls was a privilege
of sporty, good-looking, self-confident
boys. In my heart I could not see why boys
and girls had to segregate themselves
into different groups in any case (in the
playground in primary school). I felt very
much a spectator. Going to a boys grammar
school also compounded my sense of artificial
segregation. It was only with growing up
through adolescence, that I came to see life
as an adaptive exercise. I no longer saw the
‘system’ as my ticket to achievement and
self-actualisation, when I had once thought
that my relationships would sort themselves
out naturally as in story books. The very
reason I went to grammar school was because
I saw education as my redemption, to use a
religious metaphor. Work depressed me and
became meaningless, as a chasm opened
up between the macho culture of which I was
forced to be part and the learning process.
In such a state of mind it took great reflection
to consider that I was not entirely a failure
(in view of my {lack of} abilities in sport,
or laddishness, for example) but that the
qualities which were looked down upon in the
male world were valued in the female world.
Thus, feelings of gender dysphoria would have
implied that I appreciated I had been defined
according to gender, when I think my naivety
and idealism from a young age made me think
that I necessarily be valued for who I was,
Realising that I could not change the world, I
came to think I would have to change myself,
not fundamentally, but that I was on my
own and self-expression was all I had. Part
of this self-expression was sticking to my
principles and not selling out to the teenage
male culture, and part was cross-dressing in
private. Cross-dressing confused me, because
it was so sexual, and yet so pointless, perhaps
nihilistic. Yet in moments of truth, it opened up
my mind to a new way of thinking, and seeing
However, it is difficult to be treated in a way
which would not be obvious; I cannot make
people treat me as female just because I
do not conform to the male model, and it’s
difficult to fight the world from the inside
telling myself this is what it’s like to be a girl,
as I’ve generally never had that respect (crossdressing is the exception which expanded my
mind to new possibilities).
24
www.actionforchildren.org.uk
myself. I can best describe the experience as
a gestalt shift: the permission to conceive
of myself as female. The sexual aspect was
liberating as it symbolised the happy-go-lucky
boy-meets-girl sexuality which had, it seems,
been denied me growing up. Yet the sense of
fetish about it depressed me. This was not
guilt. It just looked like I was wasting my time,
because the female world was out there and
I was closeted away, deceiving myself into
thinking I really was a girl, I was being nothing
more than a transvestite.
As the sense of self-expression sadly dried
up as I came to realise that my new
consciousness demanded I express my female
persona in the real world. In this way, the
sexual aspect of cross-dressing has faded
into the horizon, as I have come to confront
the bigger picture (not an unsexual one, just
one in which I am in control of sexuality). The
more successful I have been in doing this,
the less gender dysphoria becomes relevant
as I became more self-assured and confident
in who I am. The remaining sense of gender
dysphoria concerns whether or not I would
devote myself permanently to living as a
female, which seems to involve transition.
Anything that is temporary or reversible seems
empowering, although if the result of this life
is that I am compelled to choose between male
and female, in the sense of conforming to a
social category, then as I say, this undeniably
involves gender dysphoria.
seem in a way revolutionary. In my early teens
the idea of actually being a girl would have
seemed as much a silly fantasy or delusion
that the idea that I could be anyone else other
than me (as some pop-star or a film star,
etc.). The thought too that transition and SRS
is possible also seems liberating. I want to
be someone I can feel proud of. I do not want
to feel that I am deceiving myself either, so I
must always be honest with myself (this is one
sentiment which has never changed). I hope
to be older and wiser this time around. Where
this all takes me I don’t know.
Grade E – see me
If you have any thoughts on this please just...
Anon
So, to summarise, gender dysphoria has
never been the main way I understand myself,
although I am never-the-less compelled to
confront it. The idea of gender dysphoria, a
term I have only known for a few years, does
Where do Mermaids stand?
25
Night time worries – by a parent
My Daughter – from a parent
it’s nightime and i climb into bedi cant sleep thoughthere’s too many thoughts and
i’m feeling so low!
handstand and cartwheels-she does it allgiggling and dancing and running aroundto the sound of a girl bandher feet tap the ground!
what do i do?
tell me what should i do?
i’m lonely and scared and
i havent a clue!
barbies and jewellery littered abouthandbags with glitter in her bedroom galoreher favourite is pink and she has a fewgirls like these things-well you know the score!
my neighbours will hate
me- they’ll spit in my
face- my family disown
me- cos we re a disgrace!
her bedding’s all pink-and so are her curtainsshe wants bright pink walls-and probably
with glitterim not up for this and i shake my headshe s not happy with me-to her im a quitter!
i wish this weren’t happening
and it’s only a
dream- i’m tossing and
turning- and i just want
to scream!
this cant be happening-and
this cant be right-but i’ll just
have to face it-and
put up a fight!
so i’ll get up in the
morning- and start over
again- one day things will be
better- i just don’t know when!
I did this poem in the very early days after my child got a
GID diagnosis. Things have got better since this.
so as you can see-she’s a typical girlshe gives me stress but she s also a joyand i’ll hide my teardrops[cos these i won’t show]
because-she was born a ‘boy’!!!
Written for my son
Do you really understand about the way I feel?
Have you ever stopped to think these feelings could be real?
For many years I felt confused, trapped inside a shell.
I felt I should have been a boy
but I still looked like a girl. At times my thoughts tormented me
and drove me to despair.
When I needed good old sound advice
none was ever there.
After years of endless searching
I decided what to do,
No matter what you all may think
I’m prepared to see it through
I know that I am not alone,
that you’re here by my side.
At last I know that I can cope if
you will be my guide
Now I know my goal
I’ll get there any way I can.
’Cause in my heart I know
that I was born to be a man.
Written for Ben (18)
26
www.actionforchildren.org.uk
Transgender Museum
I journey into your eyes
Palest white caresses iris
Of tormented blue darkness
Which dulls receding in a whirl
Like retreating waves on shore.
Your mouth speaks
Tongue whispering syllables
That could be decibels
In my ear
I hear you
Chasing the pain
Bewilderment as black
T-shirt lies flat,
I wonder if I stare
Would I see your heart beating?
Or does it just beat for air
Softly
As breasts sigh, living a lie
Suffocating underneath bewildered.
Skin that disguises the
true child within,
Disgrace, disgust, loathing
Loss of trust,
Judge not my child
For she came from God
And I,
I her mother
Shall be the road she is standing on
As I journey into her eyes,
Cradle the tears
Bind the ties,
I shall be the society
That shall accept
As we follow the path down
Grappling to stay in control,
But losing a foothold
On her precious soul.
Bubo (Mother of female-to-male child)
I pull you into the future
You pull me beyond
I am the adult
I should be strong,
But I’m lying between a sandwich
Of right and wrong
My loss, my son,
Stretching my configurations
Staunch and stem
To a society that will bend
Allow us to blend
In a museum of transgenders.
Don’t look don’t glare
With her sweet head bent
Feeling she’s going nowhere
But hell
‘You’ll burn in hell,’
they whisper
As she slips a little further
Into escaping shadows
of hurt
Chop chop chop
Cut it off Hair Bare
Where do Mermaids stand?
27
Dirty Pretty Little Things
I see the cool irises of their eyes
Secret in their smile
Tugging at the school skirt
Losing purpose as it sits on the hips
Lip gloss gracing plump lips
Desperate to be nibbled and kissed
And the sanctimonious harmonies
Like decibels pierce corridors
Where doors slam shut
Giggles trickle along floors
While delicate fingers rearrange
The tie sitting on budding breasts.
Look in the mirror
You’re beautiful outside today
Smooth hair upon your crown of knowledge
What do you know anyway?
Side step clusters
Perfection of the woman child
They stare
I stare
Twinkle of ear studs sitting prettily
On lush lobe of dainty ear
The whole package rightfully snug
I close my eyes
One wish buried inside
Why I, I ask
Why I?
My child stands by my side
28
And it rained when the sun shone
Loneliness crept in,
Grabbed me by the throat
My fists needing to rattle the cage
Release prejudice and pain
Ruffle their feathers
Guide them to accept that
Change
Is perfectly alright
We are not all the same
But we do share the right
To hold our heads high
Follow our inner light
But they carve their scars
Delicately hidden to the blind
Make my child bleed internally
For no crime
But that she breathes
Dreams, not of what they understand
Nor do they care to try
Just stamp
Sly
Whisper
Contrive to set their balance right.
I hold on tight.
Bubo (Mother of female-to-male child)
www.actionforchildren.org.uk
Useful links and
contacts
FTM Network
Advice and support for female to
male people, families etc
BM Network, London WC1N 3XX
Trans Youth Family Allies
American support group with
useful information especially on
children past puberty
Mermaids
www.ftm.org.uk
Telephone: 0161 432 1915
(Wednesday 8pm–10.30pm)
www.imatyfa.org
General information:
www.tsroadmap.com
Discussion forums for teens
www.trueselves.com
Mermaids Support group
for gender variant children,
teenagers, and parents
BM Mermaids, London WC1N 3XX
www.mermaidsuk.org.uk
Telephone: 020 8123 4819
(local rates) 3pm–7pm,
Monday–Saturday when staffed
Email: [email protected]
Gender Identity Research
Education Society Melverley, The Warren, Ashtead,
Surrey KT21 2SP
www.gires.org.uk
Telephone: 01372 801554
Email: [email protected]
Gender Identity
Development Service
NHS clinic for 18s and under
The Tavistock Clinic, 120 Belsize
Lane, London NW3 5BE
Gender Trust
Advice and support for
transgendered people, partners,
families etc
The Gender Trust, Community
Base, 113 Queens Road,
Brighton BN1 3XG
www.gendertrust.org.uk
Telephone: 0845 231 0505
Depend
Support and information for
loved ones of transsexual people
aged 18+
BM Depend, London WC1N 3XX
www.depend.org.uk
Email: [email protected]
Schools Out
For equality for all LGBT people
in education
References
Fulghum, R (2004) All I Really
Need to Know I Learned in
Kindergarten, Ballantine Books.
Further reading
for children
Ewert, M (2009) 10,000 Dresses,
Seven Stories.
Pejril, R (2004) The story of Fluff
the bunny, Cafepress
www.cafepress.co.uk/fluffbunny
Further reading
for adolescents
www.schools-out.org.uk
Philips, A A (2007) If you believe
in mermaids…don’t tell, Dog
Ear Publishing.
Transkids
Mainly for teachers in primary
schools but useful for others too
Peters, J A (2004) Luna, Little,
Brown Young Readers.
Queer Youth Network
For support and social
networking c/o LGBT Centre,
49/51 Sydney Street,
Manchester M1 7HB
www.transkids.synthasite.com
Personal stories
Gendered Intelligence
Education, arts, workshops etc
Evelyn, J (2007) Mom, I need
to be a girl, Walter Trook
Publishing.
www.queeryouth.org.uk
Telephone: 020 8123 6958
Fax: 0161 241 6733
Press for Change
Campaigning on legal issues
www.tavi-port.org/
childidentityissues
Telephone: 020 8938 2030
Fax: 020 7431 8320
Where do Mermaids stand?
www.genderedintelligence.co.uk
www.pfc.org.uk Boenke, M (ed.) (2003) Trans
Forming Families: Real Stories
About Transgendered Loved
Ones, 2nd edition, Oak
Knoll Press.
29
Action for Children
85 Highbury Park
London N5 1UD
Telephone: 020 7704 7000
Fax: 020 7226 2537
Mermaids
BM Mermaids
London WC1N 3XX
Telephone: 020 8123 4819
Email: [email protected]
www.actionforchildren.org.uk
Action for Children is committed to helping the most vulnerable
children and young people in the UK break through injustice,
deprivation and inequality, so they can achieve their full potential.
Registered charity nos. 1097940/SC038092/company no. 4764232
Produced by Action for Children 01/2010. 09/10 0509