Seriously
Dude, Where’s My Car?
EXT. OKAY BURGER DRIVE THROUGH - DAY
The drive-through area of OKAY BURGER, a typical fast food
burger restaurant.
A customer, BRAD, drives up to the menu board/SPEAKERBOX
area. He is polite and cheerful, with a smile on his face.
SPEAKER
Okay, welcome to Okay Burger, may I take
your Okay order?
BRAD
Yes you may, thank you. I’ll have a
double Okay burger, no pickles, please.
And then?
SPEAKER
BRAD
And a super lemonade, please.
And then?
SPEAKER
BRAD
Hmm... You know what? I had a tough day
at work, and I deserve a chocolate banana
milkshake.
And then?
SPEAKER
BRAD
On second thought, I might deserve the
milkshake, but I don’t really need it. I
have some raspberries at home that’ll
make a tasty and healthy dessert.
And then?
SPEAKER
BRAD
Oh, I believe that’s all I want.
And then?
SPEAKER
BRAD
I think I’m done ordering.
And then?
SPEAKER
(CONTINUED)
2.
CONTINUED:
BRAD
That’s all, thank you.
And then?
SPEAKER
BRAD
Gosh. We seem to have a communication
problem here. See, I just want a double
Okay burger, no pickles and a super
lemonade, but you keep saying ‘and then’
like I’m supposed to order something
else, but the truth is I don’t want
anything else, so you should probably say
‘thank you’ or ‘okey dokey’ or ‘would you
like fries with that’ or something else
besides ‘and then’.
CUT TO:
INT. OKAY BURGER - DAY
JESSE and CHESTER are working the drive through, wearing OKAY
BURGER UNIFORMS, and GIGGLING. Jesse wears a HEADSET.
And then?
JESSE
CUT TO:
EXT. OKAY BURGER DRIVE THROUGH - DAY
Brad looks confused.
Huh.
BRAD
CUT TO:
TITLE CARD: 30 MINUTES LATER
CUT TO:
EXT. OKAY BURGER DRIVE THROUGH - 30 MINUTES LATER
Brad is now an ABSOLUTE MESS, red-faced, hair disheveled, on
the verge of tears. There are cars HONKING in line behind
him.
And then?
JESSE (OS)
BRAD
THAT’S ALL I WANT!
(CONTINUED)
3.
CONTINUED:
And then?
JESSE (OS)
BRAD
I DON’T WANT ANYTHING ELSE!
And then?
JESSE (OS)
BRAD
PLEASE STOP SAYING ‘AND THEN’!
And then?
JESSE (OS)
BRAD
NO AND THEN! NO AND THEN! NO AND THEN!
INT. OKAY BURGER - DAY
Chester is holding a DRY ERASE BOARD that was once used to
keep track of ‘days without accident’, but not he’s using to
to keep track of how many ‘AND THEN’S’ Jesse has said.
He holds up the board for Jesse to see.
CHESTER
One more for the record, dude.
EXT. OKAY BURGER DRIVE THROUGH - DAY
The Brad now goes BALLISTIC.
BRAD
ALL I WANT IS MY DOUBLE OKAY BURGER, NO
PICKLES, AND A SUPER LEMONADE, I DON’T
WANT ANYTHING ELSE, I JUST WANT MY FOOD,
THAT’S IT, AND THEN I’M GOING TO LEAVE
THIS PLACE AND NEVER COME BACK, I
PROMISE, SO PLEASE, PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE
OF GOD, PLEASE, DON’T SAY ‘AND THEN’
AGAIN!!!
A long beat.
And then?
JESSE (OS)
Brad SCREAMS INSANELY, and then PUNCHES the accelerator,
sending his car PEELING OUT INTO THE STREET.
INT. OKAY BURGER - DAY
Chester makes another mark on the board.
(CONTINUED)
4.
CONTINUED:
CHESTER
It’s a new record!
JESSE
I knew we could do it!
Shibby!
JESSE/CHESTER
They HIGH FIVE. Suddenly, they hear a CAR ACCELERATING
LOUDLY. They turn to see-Brad driving his car at a HIGH RATE OF SPEED DIRECTLY AT
THEM!
Whoa!
JESSE/CHESTER (CONT’D)
Jesse and Chester DIVE OUT OF THE WAY as-CRASH!!! Brad DRIVES HIS CAR RIGHT THROUGH THE WALL OF THE
DRIVE THROUGH.
INT. OKAY BURGER - DAY
The dust settles. The CAR is COMPLETELY INSIDE THE
RESTAURANT. TABLES have been OVERTURNED, FOOD has spilled
all over the places, CUSTOMERS are hiding UNDER TABLES, the
place is THRASHED.
Brad HYPERVENTILATES as he CLUTCHES the steering wheel.
Jesse and Chester cautiously approach Brad and observe him
hyperventilating. Then, after a moment:
And then?
JESSE
Jesse and Chester GIGGLE as we-ROLL CREDITS
FADE IN:
INT. OKAY BURGER - LATER
A TOW TRUCK pulls Brad’s car out of the building, BEEPING in
REVERSE. As Brad’s car is PULLED out of the wall, the ENTIRE
WALL of the Korean bathhouse next door COLLAPSES, revealing a
bunch of KOREAN MEN IN TOWELS, sitting in a sauna.
We PAN across the destroyed restaurant to reveal Jesse and
Chester playing ‘HANGMAN’ using the dry erase board. The
board looks like this: S H I _ _ Y
(CONTINUED)
5.
CONTINUED:
JESSE
Come on, dude. You know this.
Uh... ‘Q’?
CHESTER
The MANAGER approaches. He is EXTREMELY PISSED OFF.
MANAGER
What the hell happened here?
CHESTER
(re: crashed car)
Looks to me like someone doesn’t
understand how a drive-through works.
MANAGER
You guys pulled the ‘and then’ bit again,
didn’t you?
JESSE
No we didn’t.
A team of PARAMEDICS passes by with BRAD, who is strapped to
a GURNEY, BABBLING CRAZILY.
BRAD
AND THEN! AND THEN! AND THEN!
JESSE
Okay, we did.
CHESTER
We set a new record, dude!
MANAGER
Do you know how close to being fired you
are?
JESSE
No, but that reminds me. We want a raise.
MANAGER
You’re fired!
The Manager STORMS OFF.
JESSE
Fired? That’s not a raise.
CHESTER
Great. Now we’re unemployed, flat broke,
and we haven’t even eaten lunch yet.
Solution?
(CONTINUED)
6.
CONTINUED: (2)
Shibby.
JESSE/CHESTER
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. DUDES’ HOUSE - THE NEXT DAY
We are CLOSE ON a JAMES BROWN ALARM CLOCK. The clock strikes
10:00 AM, and the ALARM GOES OFF, which is a recorded sample
of James Brown singing “GET UP (get on up), GET UP (get on
up)” (from the song ‘Sex Machine’) OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
We are in the Dudes’ LIVING ROOM, and the place is a MESS.
Jesse, who was SLEEPING ON THE COUCH, gets up and TURNS OFF
the alarm clock. He then turns and NOTICES-a black TOP HAT, a LEATHER WHIP, and a HORN atop the TV.
JESSE
Dude, did we put on the ritz last night?
Chester peeks his head out from UNDERNEATH THE COFFEE TABLE.
CHESTER
I don’t remember, dude.
Just then a CIRCUS MIDGET ON A UNICYCLE with A MONKEY ON A
LEASH pedals into the room. He grabs the hat, the whip, and
the horn.
CIRCUS MIDGET
Thanks for the shibby, dudes.
The Circus Midget HONKS THE HORN, and then is OUT THE DOOR
AND GONE.
JESSE
I think we partied with a circus midget
last night.
CHESTER
Note to shelf: cut back on the shibby.
Jesse SLAPS Chester.
CHESTER (CONT’D)
Thanks, dude.
JESSE
Come on, we’re going to be late for work.
CHESTER
Dude, we got fired yesterday.
(CONTINUED)
7.
CONTINUED:
JESSE
Oh yeah. I thought that was a shibby
dream.
Jesse FLOPS DOWN on the couch as Chester starts to look
around for the REMOTE CONTROL for the TV.
JESSE (CONT'D)
I guess we’re just not Okay Burger
material.
Chester looks through a pile of DIRTY CLOTHES, searching for
the remote.
CHESTER
We can always get another job doing the
same thing at the Giant Pita Palace, or
the Super Grande Burrito Cafe, or El Big
Chicken.
JESSE
No way. Work is really starting to irk
me, dude.
CHESTER
Maybe we should get real careers.
JESSE
We’d have to go to college to do that.
Wanna go to college?
Nah.
CHESTER
(thinks, then)
JESSE
(light bulb)
You know what we need?
Sideburns?
CHESTER
JESSE
No. A vacation!
CHESTER
(thinks, then)
Motorcycles?
JESSE
No, we need a vacation. Getting fired is
stressful.
(CONTINUED)
8.
CONTINUED: (2)
CHESTER
Where’s the remote, dude?
Jesse sees the REMOTE sitting on the COFFEE TABLE, obscured
by FAST FOOD BAGS, SODA CANS, all kinds of TRASH.
JESSE
Here it is.
Jesse goes to pick up the remote, but it’s STUCK. He pulls
harder, and it LIFTS UP along with the REST OF THE JUNK ON
THE COFFEE TABLE. All the garbage has become STUCK TOGETHER
into ONE GIANT HUNK.
Huh.
JESSE (CONT’D)
The remote is POINTING AWAY from the TV, so the Dudes ROTATE
THE GIANT HUNK OF GARBAGE around 180 degrees so the remote
points at the TV. Chester turns on the TV.
The TRAVEL CHANNEL is on, showing a beautiful BEACH, with
plenty of BEAUTIFUL WOMEN IN BIKINIS hanging out.
BACK ON: The Dudes, who are sprawled out on the couch,
looking COMPLETELY RELAXED themselves.
JESSE (CONT’D)
Dude, that looks so relaxing. See, that’s
the kind of vacation I’m talking about.
CHESTER
Hey, let’s check the vacation fund.
The Dudes hop up and go to the KITCHEN COUNTER, where a HUGE
EMPTY WATER BOTTLE sits. On it is a sign which reads
“VACATION FUND / SHIBBY FUND / COLLEGE FUND / 401K”.
Jesse empties the water bottle, revealing a motley collection
of small bills, loose change, and pieces of gum and candy.
JESSE
Dude, this fund has really
underperformed.
Jesse notices an ENVELOPE stuck to the counter. It’s
addressed to Jesse Montgomery III.
JESSE (CONT’D)
How long has this been sitting here?
Chester peels a piece of pepperoni off the envelope and
tastes it.
(CONTINUED)
9.
CONTINUED: (3)
CHESTER
I’d say about six months.
Jesse OPENS the envelope, takes out a DOCUMENT, and reads.
JESSE
It’s from my Uncle Jerome in Daytona
Beach. He’s inviting us to come visit his
hotel!
CHESTER
I didn’t know your Uncle Jerome had a
hotel.
JESSE
I didn’t know I had an Uncle Jerome. This
is perfect! We’ll drive down to Daytona,
check into this hotel, and from there, we
can decide where to take a vacation.
CHESTER
Or, we could go down to Daytona beach and
have ourselves a vacation at the same
time.
JESSE
That’s genius, dude! We’ll be killing two
birds with one stone.
CHESTER
I still think we should still grow
sideburns.
From the closet behind them GENE enters, scratching his head.
GENE
Morning, guys.
JESSE
Gene, you’re gonna be in charge here for
awhile. Daytona Beach, here we come!
As the Dudes exit, Gene WAVES and UNBUCKLES HIS PANTS. He
then SITS DOWN on a LARGE POTTED FERN like it’s a TOILET BOWL
and whips out the SPORTS PAGE.
EXT. DUDES’ HOUSE - DAY
We PUSH IN on the Dudes as they exit the house.
They stop when they reach the street. Jesse looks around,
confused.
(CONTINUED)
10.
CONTINUED:
JESSE
Dude, where’s my car?
The Dudes stand there for a moment, thinking.
Then--
A BIRD CHIRPS.
CHESTER
It’s right there, dude.
THE CAR is parked ACROSS THE STREET.
Oh. Sweet.
JESSE
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY
The Dudes drive. They’re laughing, having a great time,
SINGING ALONG to “The Pina Colada Song”.
As they drive, they pass an ICE CREAM SHOP, a 1950’s style
place with a big SMILING ICE CREAM CONE sign.
EXT. GAS STATION - DAY
The Dudes check out a MAP, making a mess of it, trying to
fold/unfold it correctly.
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY
The Dudes drive again, only this time in the opposite
direction, passing the ICE CREAM SHOP again.
EXT. GAS STATION - DAY
The Dudes are at another gas station, checking out the MAP
again.
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY
The Dudes drive again, back in the original direction,
passing the ICE CREAM SHOP again.
EXT. ICE CREAM SHOP - DAY
We start out CLOSE ON a ROAD MAP. It lowers to REVEAL the
Dudes, who are eating ICE CREAM CONES.
We REVEAL that the Dudes have stopped at the ice cream shop.
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY
We’re on a small TWO LANE HIGHWAY.
11.
INT. JESSE’S CAR - DAY
Jesse drives as Chester FUMBLES with the MAP. Both of them
hold ICE CREAM CONES.
JESSE
Come on, dude. You gotta find the exit
we’re supposed to take.
CHESTER
I’m trying, but this thing is folded up
all oreganami-like.
Chester holds up the map, which FOLDED UP into an ORIGAMI
SWAN.
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY
Behind the Dudes, a TRICKED OUT ‘FAST AND THE FURIOUS’-TYPE
MUSCLE CAR approaches. The radio is BLASTING ‘Feel Like
Making Love’ by Bad Company.
INT. TONY’S CAR - DAY
Driving the car is TONY, a pale, muscular, East Coast
musclehead type, wearing WRAP-AROUND OAKLEY SUNGLASSES and a
MESH TANK TOP.
Packed into the car with Tony are his GANG, five of his
friends who are also pale musclehead types wearing the same
sunglasses and mesh tank tops, including LOUIS, a skinny,
annoying kid with bad skin. They lift various dumbbells and
weights as Tony drives.
TONY
I cannot wait to hit the beach and score
some babes.
LOUIS
Me neither. I feel like making love!
The GUY next to Tony in the front seat is eating an ICE CREAM
CONE, and SPILLS SOME on the seat.
LOUIS (CONT’D)
Ooh, did you see that, Tony?
Tony NOTICES, and his EYES WIDEN.
TONY
(furious)
You just spilled ice cream in my cherry
1970 Dodge Charger, bro!
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
12.
CONTINUED:
TONY (CONT'D)
(calms down)
But don’t worry, it’s cool.
Tony REACHES OVER, OPENS THE PASSENGER DOOR and SHOVES THE
GUY OUT OF THE MOVING CAR.
Real cool.
TONY (CONT’D)
He LAUGHS. Louis hops up into the front seat.
LOUIS
Shotgun, bitch!
INT. JESSE’S CAR - DAY
The Dudes continue to clutch their ice cream cones. Jesse
watches as Chester is unable to fold/unfold the map
correctly.
JESSE
(fed up)
Gimme that.
Jesse grabs the map.
CHESTER
Fine, then you gimme that.
Chester grabs for Jesse’s ice cream cone.
No way!
JESSE
The Dudes start to wrestle.
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY
Tony tries to pass the Dudes, but they SWERVE BACK AND FORTH
across the road, making it IMPOSSIBLE FOR TONY TO PASS THEM.
INT. TONY’S CAR - DAY
Tony HONKS his horn at the Dudes.
TONY
What’s wrong with these freakin’ morons?
INT. JESSE’S CAR - DAY
The Dudes continue to wrestle.
(CONTINUED)
13.
CONTINUED:
JESSE
What’s wrong with you, you freakin’
moron!
INT. TONY’S CAR - DAY
Tony’s Gang get excited as Tony reaches to the dashboard and
flips a panel to reveal a button that says ‘NITRO’.
Tony pushes the button, and the car TAKES OFF WITH A BURST OF
SPEED.
INT. JESSE’S CAR - DAY
The Dudes wrestle. Chester looks up just in time to see-a WELCOME TO FLORIDA SIGN, with a picture of a FRIENDLY
ORANGE on it, waving while a GIANT HAND is SQUEEZING it into
a glass of FRESH ORANGE JUICE. The sign reads “WE’RE GLAD TO
SQUEEZE YOU IN”.
JESSE
That’s our exit!
Jesse immediately SWERVES across the road, from the FAR LEFT
LANE all the way to the FAR RIGHT EXIT LANE. The Dudes’ ICE
CREAM CONES FLY INTO THE AIR.
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY
The Dudes SWERVE in front of Tony’s rapidly approaching car,
CUTTING HIM OFF.
Tony SWERVES to avoid the dudes, and ends up SPEEDING OFF THE
SIDE OF THE HIGHWAY and onto a RAMP. The car FLIES INTO THE
AIR, and CRASHES OFFSCREEN, ending up STUCK 10 FEET OFF THE
GROUND in the GLASS OF ORANGE JUICE on the WELCOME TO FLORIDA
SIGN.
TONY
(stunned)
My 1970 Dodge Charger... bro?
LOUIS
(re: car)
It doesn’t look too bad, Tony.
On cue, the SIGN COLLAPSES and THE CAR CRASHES TO THE GROUND.
TONY
Okay, new plan. First we find those dudes
and kick their asses sideways. Then, we
hit the beach and score some babes.
(CONTINUED)
14.
CONTINUED:
Just then the Dudes’ ice cream cones LAND ON TONY’S HEAD.
Louis GIGGLES. Tony PUNCHES HIM in the shoulder.
LOUIS
Chill out, man.
EXT. BEACH - SUNSET
There is a BEAUTIFUL SUNSET on the horizon as the WAVES
peacefully lap against the SHORE of the BEACH.
We PULL BACK TO REVEAL Jesse and Chester relaxing on the
beach, taking in the beautiful sunset.
JESSE
Beaches are sweet. This is going to be
the best vacation ever.
CHESTER
We should go check in to the hotel, but
that road trip really wore me out.
JESSE
Yeah, driving is tiring. Let’s hang out
here for a bit.
CHESTER
Okay, but we can’t fall asleep.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. BEACH - DAY
The BEACH at SUNRISE. In a FROM HERE TO ETERNITY moment, we
PAN OVER THE WAVES, which LAP AT THE SHORE, and UP THE LEGS
of two people, moving up as THE WAVES FLOW OVER THEM, then
further up to reveal it is JESSE AND CHESTER, who are ASLEEP,
and SPOONING.
A WAVE SPLASHES over their faces, waking them up. They
realize they are SPOONING, and JUMP AWAY from each other.
CHESTER
Dude, were you spooning me?
JESSE
No way, dude. Were you spooning me?
No.
CHESTER
They both sit up and we PULL BACK TO REVEAL-(CONTINUED)
15.
CONTINUED:
the BEACH is now JAM PACKED WITH PEOPLE AND CARS AS FAR AS
THE EYE CAN SEE.
Whoa!
JESSE/CHESTER
A GROUP OF GIRLS walk by.
GIRL #1
Were you guys spooning?
No.
JESSE/CHESTER
JESSE
What are all these people doing here?
GIRLS
It’s the first day of Spring Break!
Sweet!
JESSE/CHESTER
The girls prance away as the Dudes get up and look over the
beach scene: people swimming, playing volleyball, girls
tanning, etc.
JESSE
Dude, we’ve got a free hotel room in the
middle of Spring Break!
CHESTER
Speaking of hotel room, we should head
over to your Uncle Jerome’s place stat.
JESSE
Good thinking. Next stop, Uncle Jerome’s
hotel.
Excuse me.
BEACH GIRL #1 (OS)
The Dudes turn to see a group of SIX SUPER HOT GIRLS, all in
tiny bikinis.
BEACH GIRL #1 (CONT'D)
Could you guys set up this umbrella for
us?
She points to a closed beach umbrella.
JESSE
Next stop, umbrella set-up town.
(CONTINUED)
16.
CONTINUED: (2)
The Dudes both reach for the umbrella.
JESSE (CONT’D)
I got it, dude.
CHESTER
I got it, dude.
The Dudes grab for the umbrella, and start to tug of war at
it.
JESSE
Leggo my umbrella!
You leggo!
CHESTER
They STRUGGLE for a moment, and Jesse WINS THE TUG OF WAR,
but as he yanks at the umbrella, he goes flying backwards,
where he BODY SLAMS Beach Girl #6 without realizing it.
Chester grabs the end of the umbrella, and they struggle some
more.
JESSE
I can set it up, dude.
CHESTER
You couldn’t set a table.
This time Chester wins the tug of war, and as he YANKS the
umbrella away he goes flying backwards and SLAMS INTO Beach
Girl #5.
Jesse GRABS the umbrella away from Chester, who chases after
him.
Jesse SPINS AROUND, and the end of the umbrella KNOCKS Beach
Girl #4 IN THE HEAD. She drops like a rock.
Chester GRABS the umbrella away from Jesse, and as Jesse
chases him, Chester SPINS AROUND, KNOCKING Beach Girl #3 in
the head, who is knocked out cold.
Jesse and Chester are back on the umbrella, tugging at it. As
they struggle, they hit the button that OPENS UP THE
UMBRELLA.
Beach Girl #1 and Beach Girl #2 duck to avoid the opened
umbrella, and end up KNOCKING HEADS. They fall down, out
cold.
The Dudes finally spear the open umbrella into the sand.
(CONTINUED)
17.
CONTINUED: (3)
Viola!
JESSE
CHESTER
How’s that, ladies?
The Dudes turn around to see-the six Beach Girls are all out cold, but LOOK LIKE they are
just LAYING OUT.
JESSE
Oh, I see how it is. You girls flirt with
us so we’ll set up your umbrella, but now
you’re just going to ignore us.
CHESTER
The nerve. Let’s go to the hotel, dude.
Shibby.
JESSE
The Dudes STORM OFF.
INT. JESSE’S CAR - DAY
The Dudes sit in the car, which is not moving.
JESSE
This traffic is crazy.
CHESTER
At this rate we’re never going to get to
the hotel.
We REVEAL-EXT. BEACH - DAY
The Dudes are in a LONG LING OF CARS lined up on the beach,
waiting to exit onto the main road. They are pretty much
bumper to bumper, with a LARGE ESCALADE behind them.
CHESTER
I think we just moved an inch.
JESSE
I’m starting to get a little freaked out,
dude.
CHESTER
We could play ‘I Spy’ again.
Just then the Dudes both see-(CONTINUED)
18.
CONTINUED:
two very hot FANTASY GIRLS, sitting on the beach, wearing
bikinis.
As the Dudes stare at the Fantasy Girls, a SEXY GUITAR RIFF
PLAYS, and a LIGHT WIND BLOWS THE GIRLS’ HAIR EROTICALLY.
JESSE
I spy hoo hoos.
As the Dudes watch, Fantasy Girl #1 produces a SLICE OF
PIZZA, which she proceeds to EAT SENSUALLY.
Whoa...
JESSE (CONT’D)
Fantasy Girl #2 produces a CHILI DOG, which she BITES INTO
SENSUALLY.
Hot dog...
CHESTER
The Fantasy Girls seem to notice the Dudes, and wave to them.
JESSE
Are they waving at us?
CHESTER
I don’t know. Maybe they just farted real
high.
JESSE
I’ve got to know.
Me too!
CHESTER
EXT. BEACH - DAY
The Dudes both jump out of their car and head ACROSS THE
BOARDWALK towards the Fantasy Girls.
JESSE
I call the blonde.
CHESTER
I call the one with the chili dog.
BACK IN THE LINE OF TRAFFIC, the cars in front of Jesse’s car
start to move.
The GUY IN THE ESCALADE behind Jesse’s car HONKS, then sees
that there is nobody in the car. He puts it in drive, and
starts to PUSH Jesse’s car ahead.
(CONTINUED)
19.
CONTINUED:
BACK ON THE DUDES
as they reach the spot where the Fantasy Girls were, but now
THEY’RE GONE.
CHESTER (CONT’D)
Dude, where’d they go?
Just then a GROUP OF SECOND GRADERS ON RAZOR SCOOTERS have
THEIR PATH BLOCKED by the Dudes. Their leader is eight year
old MIKEY.
MIKEY
Watch it, old man.
CHESTER
Who are you calling old?
MIKEY
I’m talking to you, Grampa. Did you lose
your hearing aid?
JESSE
You kids should be more respectful of
your elders.
MIKEY
(mimicking)
You kids should be more respectful of
your elders.
JESSE
Hey, don’t pull that copycat thing with
me.
MIKEY
(mimicking)
Hey, don’t pull that copycat thing with
me.
JESSE
I’m serious!
MIKEY
(mimicking)
I’m serious!
JESSE
Why you little-Jesse tries to grab Mikey, but he SCOOTS OFF, followed by the
rest of the kids.
(CONTINUED)
20.
CONTINUED: (2)
CHESTER
Let them go, dude. They’re just kids,
JESSE
You know how I feel about copycatting.
A YO-YO comes flying from offscreen and hits Jesse in the
head.
Ow!
Ha ha!
JESSE (CONT’D)
MIKEY (OS)
Jesse looks back towards the line of traffic.
JESSE
Dude, where’s my car?
They look over to see-Jesse’s car being PUSHED ALONG by the traffic. The Dudes RUN
AFTER it.
EXT. BEACH - DAY
We see OFFICER JACK, a beach cop, along with his 17 year old
son, DENNIS, who is a deputy officer. They are both
overweight, and wear matching beach cop shorts and shirts,
and SIT ON A GOLF CART.
THEIR POV: Jesse’s car is PUSHED ALONG past them with no
driver.
OFFICER JACK
I’m pretty sure that’s against the law.
DENNIS
I roger that.
EXT. JESSE’S CAR - DAY
The Dudes run down and reach the car.
JESSE
That was close.
OFFICER JACK (OS)
Not so fast, young man.
The Dudes turn to see Officer Jack and Dennis.
(CONTINUED)
21.
CONTINUED:
OFFICER JACK (CONT'D)
Do you realize that you’ve just committed
a class E misdemeanor?
CHESTER
What, is there a law against farting?
JESSE
I knew that was you.
Officer Jack takes out his ticket pad and starts writing up a
ticket.
OFFICER JACK
I’m going to have to write you a ticket
for operating a motor vehicle while not
behind the wheel of said vehicle.
JESSE
What do you mean?
OFFICER JACK
Well, we can’t just have peoples’ cars
driving around all by themselves, can we?
JESSE
But how can I operate the vehicle when
I’m not behind the wheel of said vehicle?
DENNIS
We don’t make the laws. We just enforce
them.
OFFICER JACK
Well said, son.
DENNIS
And they weren’t wearing their seat
belts, either, dad.
CHESTER
We weren’t in the car.
DENNIS
That’s no excuse.
Officer Jack finishes writing the ticket and hands it to
Jesse.
OFFICER JACK
That’ll be fifty dollars. Cash only.
JESSE
You mean, we have to pay now?
(CONTINUED)
22.
CONTINUED: (2)
DENNIS
Either that or you’re going to jail.
CHESTER
But usually when we get a ticket we
ignore it until the fine doubles, then
throw it away.
OFFICER JACK
Then I’m also going to have to write you
a ticket for littering.
Officer Jack writes them another ticket.
Jesse opens his WALLET, where we see the Dudes’ VACATION
FUND. Jesse pulls a few bills out and hands them to Officer
Jack.
JESSE
Okay, Officer...
(reads nametag)
Jack, but this is seriously cutting into
our vacation fund.
DENNIS
Next time you decide to go for a joyride,
make sure you’re actually behind the
wheel.
OFFICER JACK
(proud)
That’s my boy.
INT. LE CHATEAU - DAY
Le Chateau is a beautiful five star hotel. Cool, rich looking
people populate the lobby as Jesse and Chester enter.
JESSE/CHESTER
Whoa... This place is sweet.
Just then a bunch of excited TEENAGE GIRLS pass the Dudes and
point offscreen.
TEENAGE GIRLS
IT’S THE PURPLE TARANTULAS!
The Dudes watch as the girls rush off towards-a TRIO of ROCKER MUSICIANS, all looking young guys, who form
the popular rock band THE PURPLE TARANTULAS.
(CONTINUED)
23.
CONTINUED:
The Purple Tarantulas hurry across the lobby, FOLLOWED BY the
screaming girls, who RUSH PAST the Dudes, who JOIN IN THE
STAMPEDE.
The Purple Tarantulas are WHISKED AWAY into an elevator, and
the crowd of girls and the Dudes are stopped there.
GIRL #1
Oh my God, I touched Joey’s butt!
CHESTER
Actually, that was my butt.
GIRL #1/JESSE
Eww./Sweet.
INT. LE CHATEAU - FRONT DESK - DAY
A CLERK (a typical ‘cooler-than-thou’ hip hotel employee)
works behind the check in counter as Jesse and Chester
approach.
There is a BELL on the desk. Chester reaches out and DINGS
the bell. The Clerk IGNORES them.
Chester DINGS the bell a couple more times, and finally the
Clerk comes over and takes the bell away.
JESSE
Hello, we’re here on vacation, and we’d
like a room.
CLERK
(condescending)
Of course you would. Unfortunately, we’re
booked solid, so I suggest you try back
in, say, four years. Or you could try the
Motel Six around the corner, unless
you’re looking for something less fancy.
The Clerk is about to put the bell back, but sees Chester is
ready to DING it again, so he OPENS A DRAWER and tosses it
inside, then looks smugly at Chester.
CHESTER
(bell imitation)
Ding! Ding! Ding!
JESSE
I don’t understand. My uncle who owns
this place personally invited us down
here.
(CONTINUED)
24.
CONTINUED:
The Clerk’s ATTITUDE immediately CHANGES; he becomes
gracious, nice, and SCARED.
CLERK
You’re the owner’s nephew? Why didn’t you
say so? I’m so sorry, I’m sure we can
find a room for you.
(checks computer)
I have a room that is already reserved
for the night, but nobody’s checked in
yet, so I’ll put you there, and I’ll
inform your uncle you’ve arrived.
(hands key to Jesse)
Here’s the key to your suite.
Suite?
Suite.
Suite.
Sweet!
JESSE
CLERK
CHESTER
JESSE/CHESTER
The Dudes turn and LEAVE. The Clerk PUTS BACK THE BELL. Just
then Chester RUNS BACK and DINGS THE BELL A BUNCH OF TIMES,
then RUNS OFF AGAIN.
INT. LE CHATEAU - SUITE - DAY
The Dudes open the door to the suite and find themselves in a
sleek, stylish hotel suite with thick WHITE CARPET, and a
BIRD CAGE with CANARIES inside.
Sweet.
JESSE/CHESTER
The Dudes check out the room. Chester immediately goes for
the mini-bar.
JESSE
Don’t mess anything up, dude.
CHESTER
Don’t worry, I’m just getting a drink.
Chester opens a bottle of GRAPE JUICE, and accidentally
SPILLS some on the WHITE CARPET, creating a STAIN.
JESSE
Dude, what did I just say?
(CONTINUED)
25.
CONTINUED:
CHESTER
I don’t know, I wasn’t listening.
Jesse pulls off a corner of the BEDSPREAD and WIPES AT THE
GRAPE JUICE STAIN, but it doesn’t help.
JESSE
It’s not coming out.
He looks at the corner of the bedspread to see that IT’S ALL
STAINED WITH GRAPE JUICE, TOO.
CHESTER
Yeah, and now you screwed up the
bedspread.
JESSE
Hey, you’re the grape juice bandit.
CHESTER
We’ll just have to wash it.
Chester PULLS THE BEDSPREAD off the bed, YANKING IT over his
head, where it gets STUCK IN THE CEILING FAN.
The ceiling fan WHIPS the bedspread around, YANKING CHESTER
UP INTO THE AIR and FLINGING HIM ACROSS THE ROOM, where he
SLAMS against a WALL, knocking over the BIRD CAGE, setting
the CANARIES inside free.
Chester SLUMPS against the wall. Above him is a HUGE PAINTING
of a RECLINING FEMALE NUDE. THE PAINTING FALLS ONTO CHESTER,
and we see-Chester’s head STICKING OUT OF THE PAINTING WHERE THE NUDE’S
HEAD SHOULD BE, as the canaries fly in circles around his
head.
JESSE
Okay, we can fix this.
EXT. LE CHATEAU - POOL - DAY
A beautiful pool area, like a Vegas hotel pool, with all
kinds of hip, rich people in swimsuits enjoying themselves.
EXT. LE CHATEAU - POOL - BERNARD’S CABANA - DAY
BERNARD MORGAN, the owner of the hotel, relaxes by the pool.
He is a Merv Griffin type who is in his 50s, wearing thick
black sunglasses, and a robe.
Bernard is playing Uno with the two Fantasy Girls that the
Dudes saw on the beach.
(CONTINUED)
26.
CONTINUED:
While he plays Uno, Bernard is being MASSAGED by a six foot
five, 300 pound, muscular PERSONAL BODYGUARD, TINA.
Uno!
BERNARD
The Clerk approaches Bernard.
CLERK
Mr. Morgan? Your nephew has just checked
in and I just wanted you to know that I
personally have given him exemplary
service and put him up in a grand suite.
BERNARD
Nephew? I don’t have a nephew.
The Clerk LAUGHS LAMELY.
INT. LE CHATEAU - SUITE - DAY
We are CLOSE ON THE DUDES, who bend over the WHITE CARPET and
finish GETTING THE GRAPE JUICE STAIN OUT.
JESSE
I told you we could get it out.
CHESTER
Good work, dude.
Just then Bernard and Tina enter the room to see-Jesse and Chester are KNEELING in the middle of COMPLETE
CHAOS: every piece of FURNITURE has been moved, there is
TOILET PAPER everywhere, the TV is in a corner, with SMOKE
rising from it, lamps have been BROKEN, etc.
BERNARD
What the hell is going on in here?
The Dudes look to each other for a moment, then-JESSE
(points to Chester)
He spilled grape juice.
Dude!
CHESTER
The Dudes start to wrestle, and Tina pulls them apart.
BERNARD
Which one of you is my so-called nephew?
(CONTINUED)
27.
CONTINUED:
JESSE
I am. You look great, Uncle Jerome.
Jesse goes to hug Bernard, but Tina holds him off.
TINA
Nobody touches Bernard Morgan but me.
BERNARD
I’m not your uncle, and my name isn’t
Jerome. I’m Bernard Morgan, and I own
this hotel, including this suite, which
you’ve completely ruined.
JESSE
So, this isn’t the Hotel Jerome?
BERNARD
No, you’re looking for the dump next
door.
JESSE
Oh. Well, since we’re almost family,
you’re not going to charge us for the
grape juice, are you?
SMASH CUT TO:
EXT. LE CHATEAU - DAY
The Dudes are TOSSED out the front door by Tina. As they dust
themselves off, they notice something offscreen.
Dude.
JESSE
They are across the street from-A small, run down, badly maintained, cheap looking HOTEL.
There is a large SIGN out front that used to light up with
bulbs at night but is now non-functioning that reads ‘HOTEL
JEROME’.
Not sweet.
CHESTER
INT. HOTEL JEROME - LOBBY - DAY
The Dudes enter the lobby of the Hotel Jerome, which is
PACKED with SPRING BREAK KIDS hanging out, drinking beer,
listening to LOUD MUSIC, and generally having a good time.
(CONTINUED)
28.
CONTINUED:
THEODORE P. JOHNSON, or ‘Teddy’, approaches the Dudes. He’s
an elderly, crotchety old man wearing a workman’s jumpsuit
and a toolbelt.
TEDDY
Are you the wiseasses who clogged up the
toilet in Room 7? Because if you are, I’m
going to have to stick my arm someplace
extremely unpleasant because of you.
JESSE
Actually, we just want a room.
TEDDY
Sorry, we’re all full.
JESSE
Well, see, I’m the owner’s nephew.
TEDDY
Oh, so you’re the not-so-bright cousin
Jerome was talking about.
JESSE
Right.
(then, realizing)
Hey.
TEDDY
Theodore P. Johnson’s my name, but most
everyone calls me Teddy. I’m the
handyman. Been keeping things ship-shape
around here for fifty something-odd
years.
CHESTER
It doesn’t look like you’re doing a very
good job.
TEDDY
What the heck is that supposed to mean?
CHESTER
This place is sort of a mess.
TEDDY
You whippersnapping kids think you know
more about handymanning than me? I was
hammering nails before your daddy was an
itch in your daddy’s daddy’s pants.
CHESTER
(confused)
My daddy’s daddy’s...
(CONTINUED)
29.
CONTINUED: (2)
TEDDY
Go whine to the managers. I think they’re
putting out a fire somewhere.
INT. HOTEL JEROME - COURTYARD - DAY
Jesse and Chester enter a small courtyard, where they see-JACKIE AND CHARLOTTE (THE DUDETTES). They are a couple of
cute girls who look like female versions of Jesse and
Chester. They finish EXTINGUISHING A FLAMING COUCH with FIRE
EXTINGUISHERS, then HIGH FIVE.
JACKIE
Good work with the fire extinguishers.
CHARLOTTE
Yeah. I never knew working at a hotel
would involve so much flaming furniture.
JESSE
Are you guys the managers?
JACKIE
If you’re asking because you just set
fire to your room, then no.
JESSE
Actually, I’m Jerome’s nephew. My name’s
Jesse, and this is Chester.
JACKIE
I’m Jackie, and this is Charlotte.
Instead of shaking hands, each couple exchanges spontaneous
HIGH FIVES.
Sweet.
JESSE/CHESTER/JACKIE/CHARLOTTE
JACKIE
Thank goodness you’re here. Ever since
Jerome took off this place has been
crazy.
JESSE
Uncle Jerome is gone?
CHARLOTTE
Yeah, he left to go race motorcycles in
Samoa. He put us in charge of the place.
(CONTINUED)
30.
CONTINUED:
CHESTER
Wait a second, let me get this straight:
they have motorcycle racing in Samoa?
JACKIE
We moved down here because we were sick
of working at crappy part time jobs and
we were lucky to get this job.
CHARLOTTE
But now we’ll probably end up getting
fired like we did from the fast food
restaurant we used to work at.
CHESTER
You got fired from a fast food
restaurant? Sounds pretty irresponsible
to me.
JACKIE
We could really use your help around
here.
JESSE
Whoa, we didn’t come down here to work.
We’re on vacation.
CHARLOTTE
You mean you won’t help us?
JESSE
Sorry, all we want from you guys is the
free room that my Uncle Jerome promised
us.
CHARLOTTE
So you want to hang around and chill out
while we run around putting out flaming
couches?
CHESTER
In a word? Shibby.
JACKIE
Fine. You guys can stay in room 7.
She hands Jesse a room key.
CHARLOTTE
Room 7? Sweet.
The Dudettes GIGGLE SUSPICIOUSLY as the Dudes wonder why.
31.
INT. HOTEL JEROME - ROOM 7 - DAY
The Dudes enter a hotel room.
JESSE
Well, it looks like the long journey is
finally over.
CHESTER
Yep, let the vacation begin.
MR. GIGGLES (OS)
Hey guys! (CRAZY GIGGLE)
The Dudes notice-a VENTRILOQUIST’S DUMMY, MR. GIGGLES, sitting on the edge of
the bed.
MR. GIGGLES (CONT’D)
How’s it going?
The Dudes are confused and scared for a moment.
CHESTER
Uh, pretty good. How’s it going with you?
MR. GIGGLES
Just fine and dandy, thank you. (CRAZY
GIGGLE)
JESSE
(sotto)
It’s a dummy.
CHESTER
(sotto)
You don’t have to be mean, dude.
MR. GIGGLES
I hope you guys are ready to have a crazy
Spring Break, because I’m in the mood to
paaaaaaaaarty? (CRAZY GIGGLE)
Chester steps closer to Mr. Giggles.
CHESTER
Those are the cutest little clothes.
From behind the bed LAWRENCE pops up. He’s a skinny, nerdy
teenager who’s only slightly bigger than Mr. Giggles.
LAWRENCE
Thanks, I sewed them myself.
(CONTINUED)
32.
CONTINUED:
CHESTER
Geez, you scared the heck out of me.
LAWRENCE
My name’s Lawrence.
MR. GIGGLES
And I’m Mr. Giggles! (CRAZY GIGGLE)
Lawrence, who now stands next to Mr. Giggles, is revealed to
be a TERRIBLE VENTRILOQUIST.
LAWRENCE
Are we going to be roommates?
MR. GIGGLES
I sure hope so. (CRAZY GIGGLE)
JESSE
What room is this? Because if this is
room 7, I think we have the wrong room.
CHESTER
Yeah, we just need a place to change into
our swimsuits.
LAWRENCE
Oh, we’ll just give you guys some
privacy.
Lawrence and Mr. Giggles EXIT THE ROOM.
JESSE
Dude, that dummy bugged me out.
CHESTER
Yeah, and that mannequin was pretty
creepy, too.
INT. LE CHATEAU - DAY
The Clerk from earlier speaks to someone offscreen.
CLERK
I’m terribly sorry, but the suite you
reserved was occupied by two gentlemen
who proceeded to completely trash it.
We REVEAL that the Clerk is talking to Tony, Louis, and the
Gang.
(CONTINUED)
33.
CONTINUED:
TONY
So you’re telling me that because of two
random dudes we don’t have a place to
stay?
LOUIS
You’d better check your computer again
before you get a knuckle sandwich.
CLERK
I’m afraid violence isn’t going to help
get you a room.
TONY
No, but it’ll make me feel better.
CLERK
That’s just shallow.
Tony PUNCHES OUT the Clerk.
LOUIS
Feel better?
TONY
A little. But I’ll feel a lot better
after I kick the asses of the dudes who
trashed my hotel room, and the dudes who
ran me off the road today. Maybe then we
can finally start scoring some chicks.
LOUIS
(chuckling)
Man, I almost forgot about your car
getting trashed. That thing is trashed,
big time, trashed with a capital ‘T’.
Tony PUNCHES Louis in the shoulder.
LOUIS (CONT’D)
Hey, chill out!
EXT. HOTEL JEROME - ROOM 7 - DAY
The Dudes come out of the room, dressed for the pool:
swimsuit, goggles, swimcaps, floaties, innertubes, etc.
JESSE
Swimming pool, here we come!
The Dudes look down to see--
34.
EXT. HOTEL JEROME - POOL AREA - DAY
The swimming pool is a PATHETIC SITE: there’s NO WATER in it;
instead it’s full of CRUSHED BEER CANS and other DEBRIS.
CHESTER
We’re going to have a hard time chilling
out by this pool.
The Dudettes approach.
JACKIE
Could you dudes help us fill the pool?
JESSE
Sorry, but we can’t help you out.
(re: beach gear)
See, we’re on vacation.
CHESTER
Which means we’re checking out and going
somewhere that has a real pool.
JACKIE
Good luck. It’s the middle of Spring
Break! Every hotel in town is full.
CHARLOTTE
But if you help us fill this pool, you’ll
be able to stay right here and chill out.
JESSE
She has a point.
CHESTER
We could probably take care of this
pretty easily, too. We’re quite clever.
JESSE
Okay, we’ll help you out. Now, where can
we get some water to fill the pool...
They stare out over the beach towards the ocean.
JESSE (CONT’D)
Water, water, water... Where can we get
water.
JACKIE
We could steal a water tower! Nah, too
big.
(CONTINUED)
35.
CONTINUED:
JESSE
We could steal a water fountain! Nah, too
small.
CHESTER/CHARLOTTE
I got it. Cherokee rain dance!
(then, off each other)
Whoa...
JESSE
I know. We dig a hole from here to the
ocean. That way, the pool fills up with
seawater. It’ll be a sea-pool.
JACKIE
So simple, yet so effective. Why didn’t
we think of that?
CHARLOTTE
You guys are special.
JESSE
That’s what all our teachers said.
Teddy approaches.
TEDDY
Girls, we got a flaming easy chair in
room 9.
The Dudettes each grab a FIRE EXTINGUISHER.
JACKIE
We’re on it.
The Dudettes rush off.
EXT. HOTEL JEROME - BEACH - DAY
The Dudes approach a sandy area with a SHOVEL and a SPADE.
They start to DIG. After a shovel or two-JESSE
Break time, dude.
The Dudes stick their shovels into the ground in order to
take a break. As Jesse sticks his shovel, it makes a metallic
DING sound.
Jesse clears away some sand to reveal a PIPE. Painted on it
are the words WATER PIPE.
(CONTINUED)
36.
CONTINUED:
JESSE (CONT’D)
Dude! Somebody already copied our idea.
CUT TO:
EXT. HOTEL JEROME - BEACH - MINUTES LATER
Where the Dudes once stood there is now a LARGE PILE OF SAND.
A SHOVEL FULL of sand FLIES OUT of a HOLE in the ground and
onto the pile.
EXT. HOTEL JEROME - BEACH - HOLE - DAY
The Dudes stand at THE BOTTOM of the HOLE they have dug,
surrounded by water pipes.
There is a LARGE VALVE in front of them marked EMERGENCY
WATER VALVE.
Now what?
JESSE
CHESTER
I guess we turn this valve.
The Dudes reach out and TURN THE VALVE. They hear a RUMBLING
NOISE in the distance.
Jesse reaches out and WIPES THE SAND AWAY from a SIGN next to
the water valve which reads “DO NOT TURN VALVE”.
Huh.
JESSE
The WATER NOISE gets LOUDER AND LOUDER. The Dudes look down
to see-they are standing on a GRATING, and the WATER SOUND is coming
from beneath them.
From out of the hole a GIANT COLUMN OF WATER BURSTS,
CATAPULTING THE DUDES INTO THE AIR.
EXT. HOTEL JEROME - POOL AREA - DAY
The COLUMN OF WATER CRASHES DOWN DIRECTLY INTO THE POOL.
The Dudes are washed aside, and watch as the ENTIRE POOL AREA
is FLOODED WITH WATER.
EXT. LE CHATEAU - POOL - DAY
Next door, a FATHER AND MOTHER with a YOUNG BOY relax by the
pool.
(CONTINUED)
37.
CONTINUED:
YOUNG BOY
Mommy, I’m bored. This place sucks ass.
MOTHER
Why don’t you go play in the pool, honey.
The Young Boy grabs an inflatable raft and JUMPS INTO THE
POOL.
The WATER starts to QUICKLY DRAIN OUT OF THE POOL, creating a
WHIRLPOOL.
The Young Boy SPINS AROUND on the raft.
Whee!
YOUNG BOY
The Mother looks around for the Young Boy.
MOTHER
Chad? Chad?
She looks into the pool to see-the pool is COMPLETELY DRAINED, leaving a few CONFUSED
SWIMMERS stranded on the bottom next to a large HOLE.
EXT. HOTEL JEROME - POOL AREA - DAY
The Dudes stand by as the COLUMN OF WATER continues to POUR
DOWN INTO THE POOL. As they watch, the Young Boy comes
SHOOTING up into the air on the column of water.
The Dudes hear a MUTED “WHEE” that gets LOUDER AND LOUDER
until-the Dudes see the YOUNG BOY is now HANGING BY HIS SWIMSUIT
from the DIVING BOARD.
YOUNG BOY
I wanna do that again!
INT. LE CHATEAU - BERNARD’S BATHROOM - DAY
We are CLOSE ON Bernard’s face as he TAKES A SHOWER. He SINGS
to himself, and RUBS SHAMPOO INTO HIS HAIR.
The WATER SLOWS TO A TRICKLE, and then CUTS OFF. Bernard
stands there, confused.
BERNARD
What the hell is going on?
(CONTINUED)
38.
CONTINUED:
We PULL BACK TO REVEAL that Tina is in the shower with him,
fully dressed, and she is the one rubbing shampoo into
Bernard’s hair.
TINA
Rinsing’s going to be a problem.
EXT. HOTEL JEROME - POOL AREA - DAY
The water has FLOWED AWAY from the pool area, leaving the
place SPOTLESS. Now the pool is FULL OF CRYSTAL BLUE WATER,
which LAPS UP against the edge like an INFINITY POOL.
INT. LE CHATEAU - BERNARD’S ROOM - DAY
Bernard is looking out his WINDOW at the Hotel Jerome and the
new sparkling pool area.
BERNARD
(menacing)
I’ll bet those jokers at the Hotel Jerome
are the cause of this. That place has
been nothing but trouble, and it’s about
time I found a way to do something about
it.
Tina approaches with a STRAIGHT RAZOR and a HOT TOWEL.
TINA
Okay, let’s shave those legs.
EXT. HOTEL JEROME - POOL AREA - DAY
The Dudes admire the newly beautiful pool area as the Young
Boy plays in the pool.
CHESTER
We did a pretty sweet job.
JESSE
Yeah. I guess we can add ‘pool
remodeling’ to our resume.
CHESTER
We have a resume?
YOUNG BOY
Hey Mister, can I pee in here?
JESSE
Of course, let her rip, young man.
The Dudettes approach as the Dudes get ready to hop in the
pool.
(CONTINUED)
39.
CONTINUED:
JACKIE
Great job, you guys.
CHARLOTTE
Yeah. Maybe after this you can take a
look at our sprinkler system.
JESSE
Sorry. From this point on, we’re in full
on vacation mode.
The Dudes jump into the pool and get comfortable on their
inflatable rafts.
JESSE (CONT'D)
And now, let the chilling begin.
Shibby.
CHESTER
Just as the Dudes close their eyes, the Young Boy approaches.
YOUNG BOY
Hey Mister, can I invite some friends
over?
Sure, kid.
JESSE
YOUNG BOY
(turns and yells)
He says you guys can come over!
A BUNCH OF YOUNG BOYS AND GIRLS appear and JUMP INTO THE
POOL, LAUGHING and YELLING and SPLASHING.
YOUNG BOY (CONT’D)
It’s even okay to pee in the pool!
Yay!
CHILDREN
JESSE
Maybe we should hit the beach.
Shibby.
CHESTER
Jesse and Chester quickly JUMP OUT OF THE POOL.
EXT. HOTEL JEROME - DAY
The Dudettes carry a GIFT BASKET up to the door to room 7.
(CONTINUED)
40.
CONTINUED:
JACKIE
That Jesse sure is cute.
CHARLOTTE
And I think Chester’s dreamy.
JACKIE
Do you think this gift basket will give
them the message?
CHARLOTTE
Of course. Nothing says ‘we think you’re
cute’ like Blow-Pops.
We see that the BASKET is FULL OF BLOW-POPS.
Just as they are about to unlock the door to room 7 Tony,
Louis, and the Gang appear.
TONY
Are you guys the managers of this dump?
JACKIE
Yeah. Are you the manager of being a
jerk?
Sweet.
CHARLOTTE
The Dudettes HIGH FIVE.
TONY
We’ve been ganked out of our suite at Le
Chateau, so we’re going to be staying
here.
JACKIE
Sorry, you guys are out of luck.
CHARLOTTE
Yeah, our rooms are all sold out.
TONY
In that case, I’ll take this one.
As Tony GRABS THE KEY to Room 7 away from the Dudettes and
GOES INSIDE, Louis grabs the gift basket.
LOUIS
And I’ll take this. I love blow-pops.
As Louis turns to go, the Dudettes GIVE HIM A WEDGIE.
(CONTINUED)
41.
CONTINUED: (2)
LOUIS (CONT'D)
Hey, that was uncalled for!
Louis goes into the room and CLOSES THE DOOR. We hear from
INSIDE:
TONY (OS)
Who the hell are you?
MR. GIGGLES (OS)
I’m Mr. Giggles.
TONY (OS)
(confused)
Okay...
MR. GIGGLES
There’s a message for you.
Yeah...
TONY (OS)
MR. GIGGLES (OS)
The 80’s called and said they wanted
their wardrobe back! (CRAZY GIGGLE)
LAWRENCE (OS)
Oh, Mr. Giggles.
SMASH CUT TO:
EXT. HOTEL JEROME - SECONDS LATER
Just then Lawrence and Mr. Giggles come FLYING OUT OF ROOM 7
and LAND ON A PILE OF TRASH in the courtyard.
Tony appears on the balcony.
TONY
Thanks for the room, sucker. Oh, and you
forgot your luggage!
He throws a SUITCASE that HITS LAWRENCE IN THE HEAD.
Ow!
LAWRENCE
Tony then throws a SMALL DOLL SUITCASE that HITS MR. GIGGLES
IN THE HEAD
MR. GIGGLES
Ow! (CRAZY GIGGLE)
42.
EXT. BEACH - DAY
Jesse and Chester recline on lounge chairs on the beach.
Their bodies GLISTEN with suntan lotion. They wear
SUNGLASSES, and drink from COCONUTS with LONG STRAWS.
JESSE
This is what I call a vacation, dude.
CHESTER
We’re living the dream.
Just then a SHADOW IS CAST OVER the Dudes. They LOOK UP to
see-the two FANTASY GIRLS FLOAT DOWN IN PARACHUTES AND LAND AT
THEIR FEET. We hear the SEXY GUITAR RIFF, and a LIGHT WIND
BLOWS THE GIRLS’ HAIR EROTICALLY.
FANTASY GIRL #1
(holds up a carton of pudding)
Did someone order pudding packs?
Sweet.
JESSE
CHESTER
Could you rub some lotion on my back?
FANTASY GIRL #2
I’m supposed to wait for reinforcements.
They all look up to see-the SKY IS DOTTED with hot chicks in bikinis PARACHUTING DOWN
ON THEM.
Sweet!
JESSE/CHESTER
RAP MUSIC starts to play as we enter a RAP MUSIC MONTAGE.
The Dudes are now DRESSED LIKE RAPPERS AT THE BEACH, and are
SURROUNDED by HOT CHICKS IN BIKINIS.
The bikini girls RUB LOTION on the Dudes, serve them TROPICAL
DRINKS, and POUR CHAMPAGNE all over the Dudes and each other.
Chester is SURROUNDED BY HOT CHICKS who are all RUBBING
LOTION on him.
One of the HOT CHICKS leans in and whispers something to
Chester.
(CONTINUED)
43.
CONTINUED:
Help.
HOT CHICK
CHESTER
What’s that, baby?
Help!
HOT CHICK
WE REVEAL THAT-EXT. BEACH - DAY
--this has been Chester’s FANTASY.
In reality, Chester is lying on the beach next to Jesse. He
wakes up and sees-a BIG WOMAN STRUGGLING JUST OFFSHORE.
HELP!
BIG WOMAN
CHESTER
Shouldn’t we go help that lady, dude?
JESSE
No way, dude, we’re on vacation. Just
ignore her and someone else will help.
BIG WOMAN (OS)
DON’T JUST SIT THERE IGNORING ME!
Dude.
CHESTER
JESSE
Relax, she’s not talking about us.
BIG WOMAN (OS)
I’M TALKING ABOUT YOU TWO!
Jesse HOLDS UP A MAGAZINE over his face.
BIG WOMAN (OS) (CONT’D)
YOU, WITH THE MAGAZINE UP OVER YOUR FACE!
Fine.
JESSE
The Dudes RUN OFF TOWARDS THE WATER.
44.
EXT. OCEAN - DAY
The Dudes SWIM OUT to where the BIG WOMAN flails away.
EXT. BEACH - DAY
The Dudes SWIM BACK to the shore, DRAGGING ALONG what we
THINK is the Big Woman. A crowd gathers on the beach,
including Lawrence and Mr. Giggles.
JESSE
Good job, dude.
CHESTER
Yeah. We’re natural lifeguards.
BIG WOMAN (OS)
I’M STILL OUT HERE, YOU IDIOTS!
The Dudes look out to see the Big Woman still in the water,
then down to see that they have actually rescued:
a GIANT MANATEE.
MANATEE
(MANATEE SOUND)
JESSE
What the hell is that thing?
CHESTER
Whatever it is, I’m not giving it mouth
to mouth.
EXCUSE ME!
BIG WOMAN (OS)
JESSE
Fine, we’re coming.
(under his breath)
Keep your panties on.
BIG WOMAN (OS)
I HEARD THAT!
The Dudes run to swim out to the Big Woman.
EXT. BEACH - MOMENTS LATER
The Dudes DRAG the Big Woman onto the beach.
BIG WOMAN
I think I need mouth to mouth.
(CONTINUED)
45.
CONTINUED:
The Dudes look at each other for a second, and then both YELL
OUT at a passing LIFEGUARD.
JESSE/CHESTER
Hey, lifeguard!/We need a lifeguard!
The Lifeguard attends to the Big Woman as Officer Jack and
Dennis pull up.
OFFICER JACK
What’s going on here?
JESSE
(proud)
We just saved that woman’s life.
OFFICER JACK
I’m talking about this manatee. Did you
forcibly remove it from the water?
CHESTER
It was drowning!
DENNIS
Forcible removal of a manatee from the
ocean carries a seventy five dollar fine.
OFFICER JACK
And please don’t tell me you gave it
mouth to mouth.
JESSE
We were about to, but we didn’t.
DENNIS
Then we’re going to have to write you a
ticket for premeditated consideration of
sexual contact with a manatee.
OFFICER JACK
Good thinking son.
(hands Jesse tickets)
That’ll be one hundred and fifty dollars,
please.
Jesse opens his WALLET, takes out A FEW MORE CRUMPLED BILLS,
and hands them to Officer Jack.
JESSE
Stupid manatee.
MANATEE
(MANATEE SOUND)
46.
EXT. HOTEL JEROME - POOL AREA - DAY
Lawrence and Mr. Giggles hang out by the pool. They are
wearing MATCHING EURO-STYLE SWIM TRUNKS, and are SURROUNDED
BY HOT CHICKS.
MR. GIGGLES
Hey Lawrence, how many elephants does it
take to change a light bulb?
LAWRENCE
I don’t know, Mr. Giggles. How many
elephants does it take to change a light
bulb?
MR. GIGGLES
Only one, but it has to stand on its
trunk to do it. (CRAZY GIGGLE)
All the Hot Chicks LAUGH.
MR. GIGGLES (CONT’D)
(sotto, to Lawrence)
I call the two blondes.
Just then Tony and his Gang come down to the pool area.
TONY
We gotta hurry and find those mystery
dudes so I can kick their asses.
LOUIS
We’ll find them, Tony. But remember, ass
kicking is a dish best served cold.
They see Lawrence and Mr. Giggles talking to the Hot Chicks.
TONY
Of course, there’s always time to pick up
some chicks.
Tony, Louis, and the Gang approach Lawrence, Mr. Giggles, and
the group of Hot Chicks.
TONY (CONT’D)
(flexing)
How’s it going, ladies?
The Hot Chicks ignore Tony and continue to listen to Mr.
Giggles.
(CONTINUED)
47.
CONTINUED:
MR. GIGGLES
So the doctor says, I don’t know about
your thermometer, but if my pen is where
I think it is, then I’m going to have to
learn how to type!
All the Hot Chicks LAUGH.
LOUIS
(flexing)
Excuse me, ladies?
Hot bods over here.
The Hot Chicks continue to IGNORE them.
MR. GIGGLES
Hey Lawrence, how many nymphomaniacs does
it take to screw in a light bulb? (CRAZY
GIGGLE)
LAWRENCE
Uh oh, Mr. Giggles. This sounds like a
naughty one.
MR. GIGGLES
It really is! (CRAZY GIGGLE)
Just then Tony grabs Mr. Giggles as the rest of his Gang
HOLDS Lawrence.
Hey!
LAWRENCE
TONY
Let’s see how this thing works.
Tony holds Mr. Giggles and turns to the ladies.
TONY (CONT’D)
(Mr. Giggles voice)
Hey ladies. Can I see your boobs?
The Hot Chicks LAUGH.
TONY (CONT’D)
This thing is a chick magnet.
The Gang holds Lawrence back.
LAWRENCE
Please let him go!
TONY
Shut up. I’m trying to talk to the
ladies.
(CONTINUED)
48.
CONTINUED: (2)
MR. GIGGLES
Then you should probably zip up your fly.
(CRAZY GIGGLE)
Tony looks down to see if his zipper is down.
MR. GIGGLES (CONT’D)
Made you look! (CRAZY GIGGLE)
TONY
Hey, quit it.
MR. GIGGLES
Why don’t you make me?
TONY
Maybe I will.
MR. GIGGLES
Well go ahead, then! (CRAZY GIGGLE)
Tony PUNCHES Mr. Giggles.
MR. GIGGLES (CONT’D)
That all you got, you big girl? (CRAZY
GIGGLE)
Tony PUNCHES Mr. Giggles again.
MR. GIGGLES (CONT’D)
You punch like Joan Rivers. (CRAZY
GIGGLE)
Tony CONTINUES TO PUNCH Mr. Giggles as-The Dudes approach and take in the scene.
JESSE
Uh oh. They’ve got Mr. Giggles, dude.
CHESTER
We gotta help him.
EXT. HOTEL JEROME - POOL AREA - MOMENTS LATER
Tony is still PUNCHING Mr. Giggles as Lawrence is held back
by the Gang.
LOUIS
Give it to him, Tony.
TONY
My fist is starting to hurt.
(CONTINUED)
49.
CONTINUED:
MR. GIGGLES
Oh no, does Mr. Big Shot have a boo boo?
(CRAZY GIGGLE)
Just then Jesse and Chester approach. They are both wearing
COP SHADES and BLACK BASEBALL CAPS, have FAKE COP MUSTACHES,
and HOLD THEIR HANDS TO THEIR EARS like secret service men.
JESSE
Okay, let’s break it up here.
CHESTER
Sir, I’m going to have to confiscate that
dummy.
TONY
Who are you guys?
JESSE
We’re with the FBI.
LOUIS
The Federal Bureau of Investigation?
JESSE
No, the For-real Beach Inspectors.
LOUIS
Can I see some identification?
CHESTER
(holds hand to ear)
What’s that? Yes, we’ve engaged the
perpetrators, and they are definitely
tools, 10-4.
JESSE
(holds hand to ear)
What’s that? We need to confiscate their
swimsuits? Roger that, over and out.
CHESTER
You heard the man, we’re going to need
the dummy, and the swimsuits.
LOUIS
You can’t do that.
CHESTER
We can’t? Do you mean to tell me how the
FBI is run?
(CONTINUED)
50.
CONTINUED: (2)
JESSE
Do you punks realize that the penalty for
failure to comply with a direct order
from an FBI officer is two years in
prison?
CHESTER
Do you want to go to prison, punk? Do
you?
LOUIS
Okay, okay.
Chester takes Mr. Giggles and gives him back to Lawrence.
LAWRENCE
Thank you so much.
MR. GIGGLES
I had him right where I wanted him.
(CRAZY GIGGLE)
LAWRENCE
How can I ever repay you guys?
CHESTER
Hey, just keep making the world laugh.
JESSE
Now let’s have those swimsuits!
Tony, Louis, and the Gang reluctantly TAKE OFF THEIR
SWIMSUITS and HAND THEM TO THE DUDES.
MR. GIGGLES
Aww, look at the cute little turtles...
(CRAZY GIGGLE)
All the girls LAUGH as Tony and Gang COVER THEIR PRIVATES
WITH THEIR HANDS, and then RUN AWAY.
INT. HOTEL JEROME - JEROME’S OFFICE - DAY
The Dudes, Dudettes, and Teddy are in Jerome’s office, which
is a mess.
JACKIE
We’re really sorry about your room
getting taken.
CHARLOTTE
But once we clean out Jerome’s office you
guys can stay here.
(CONTINUED)
51.
CONTINUED:
Teddy stands next to some PHOTOGRAPHS of the Hotel Jerome in
the past: there are SEVERAL PHOTOS from the 1920’s up to the
present of TEENAGERS THROUGHOUT THE YEARS partying and having
fun.
TEDDY
I’m proud to be an employee
that has been a place where
could always come and drink
they puked. Of course, I’ve
up a lot of that puke.
of a hotel
teenagers
beer until
had to clean
Jackie finds a BOOK on Jerome’s desk. It is a YELLOW ‘FOR
DUMMIES’ book, entitled ‘RUNNING A HOTEL FOR DUMMIES’.
JACKIE
No wonder Jerome barely knew how to run
this place. He was a dummy!
Jesse picks up another book: ‘SAMOAN MOTORCYCLE RACING FOR
DUMMIES’.
JESSE
I hope his Samoan motorcycle adventure
turns out better than his hotel
experience.
CHESTER
Man, look at all these books. I bet if I
read all of them, I’d be the smartest
dummy in all the land.
Jesse finds a letter on Jerome’s desk.
JESSE
Check this out. It’s a letter from the
bank saying that Jerome is three months
behind on the mortgage payments for the
hotel.
CHESTER/JACKIE/CHARLOTTE
Huh./Wow./Hmm.
JESSE
And here’s one that says Jerome might
have already won ten million dollars!
JESSE/JACKIE/CHARLOTTE
Open it, open it!
Jesse opens the letter excitedly, but then sees he hasn’t
won.
(CONTINUED)
52.
CONTINUED: (2)
JESSE/CHESTER/JACKIE/CHARLOTTE
(disappointed)
Aww...
TEDDY
Let’s focus here, people. Jerome left
without paying the mortgage, and
according to this
(he picks up a letter)
if we don’t come up with the money by
tonight at midnight, the bank’s going to
foreclose on the hotel.
JESSE
How old is that letter?
Charlotte pulls a PIECE OF GUM off the letter and POPS IT IN
HER MOUTH.
CHARLOTTE
I’d say about 6 months.
CHESTER
That’s just gross.
JESSE
How much money do we owe?
JACKIE
(scans letter)
Twenty five hundred dollars.
JESSE
Well, you know what this means.
CHESTER
Yeah. We’re going to have to find another
hotel.
JACKIE
Aren’t you going to help us save the
hotel?
CHESTER
We’re on vacation, ladies. Saving a hotel
wasn’t part of the package. We’ve got a
vacation fund set aside for just this
contingency.
Jesse opens his WALLET and sees the vacation fund is
COMPLETELY GONE.
(CONTINUED)
53.
CONTINUED: (3)
JESSE
Actually, after getting all those
tickets, our vacation fund is looking
more like our empty wallet fund.
JACKIE
If you help us raise the money, then
you’ll be able to replenish your vacation
fund.
JESSE
That’s a good point.
TEDDY
And you boys would be saving a Spring
Break institution.
CHARLOTTE
So you’ll help us?
JESSE
(to Chester)
Shibby?
CHESTER
(grudgingly affirmative)
Shibby.
The Dudettes are touched.
Dude.
Sweet.
JACKIE
CHARLOTTE
EXT. HOTEL JEROME - POOL AREA - DAY
The Dudes and the Dudettes hang out by the pool.
JACKIE
So, how are we going to raise 2500$ in
(checks watch)
twelve hours?
JESSE
If we had something that everyone on the
beach needed, we could sell it to them,
right?
CHARLOTTE
Right. But what do people need at the
beach?
(CONTINUED)
54.
CONTINUED:
CHESTER
Brainstorm.
They all brainstorm. A couple of SUNBURNED GUYS walks by.
SUNBURNED GUY #1
Next time I go to the beach, I gotta
remember to put on some suntan lotion.
SUNBURNED GUY #2
If only we had some suntan lotion of our
own. Why, I’d buy some right now if there
was someone selling it.
CHARLOTTE
(still thinking)
What do people need at the beach...
The Sunburned Guys approach the Dudes/Dudettes.
SUNBURNED GUY #1
Do you guys know where we can buy some
suntan lotion?
CHESTER
Sorry, buddy, can’t help you.
SUNBURNED GUY #2
Okay, but if you see someone selling
suntan lotion, tell them we really want
to buy some.
CHARLOTTE
Do you mind? We’re trying to concentrate.
I got it!
JESSE
JESSE/JACKIE
Suntan lotion!
(then, off each other)
Whoa...
CHESTER
That’s perfect! We’ll make our own suntan
lotion and sell it on the beach.
CHARLOTTE
How do you make suntan lotion?
JESSE
Easy. You just put a bunch of ingredients
together and stir it up.
(CONTINUED)
55.
CONTINUED: (2)
JACKIE
Dude, you make it sound so simple.
JESSE
Yeah, but really, it’s not.
Chester pulls out a ‘MAKING SUNTAN LOTION FOR DUMMIES’ book
and WINKS.
CHESTER
Any ‘dummy’ could do it.
JACKIE
Hey, before you go, we need some advice.
CHARLOTTE
See, we have these two girlfriends.
JESSE
(surprised)
You have girlfriends?
CHARLOTTE
They’re friends who are girls. And they
like these two dudes.
JACKIE
Who are a lot like you two dudes.
CHESTER
What’s not to like?
CHARLOTTE
But the dudes don’t know the girls like
them. What do you think they should do?
JESSE
I think the simplest thing would be for
the girls to just tell the dudes they
like them.
JACKIE
Okay.
(then)
We like you dudes.
The Dudes consider this for a moment.
JESSE
Yeah, just like that.
CHESTER
Tell your friends we said good luck.
(CONTINUED)
56.
CONTINUED: (3)
The Dudes leave the Dudettes looking confused.
INT. LAUNDROMAT - DAY
The Dudes stand in front of an open WASHING MACHINE. Jesse
reads from the ‘MAKING SUNTAN LOTION FOR DUMMIES’ book as
Chester pours VARIOUS LIQUIDS into the MACHINE.
JESSE
(off book)
Coconut oil?
CHESTER
(pouring stuff)
Check.
JESSE
(off book)
Aloe vera?
CHESTER
(pours something else)
Check.
JESSE
(off book)
Metho-oxy-cino-tine?
Chester doesn’t have any Metho-oxy-cino-tine, but he sees a
half empty bottle of Yoo Hoo on the washing machine next to
him.
CHESTER
How about some Yoo Hoo?
JESSE
Good thinking.
Chester POURS the YOO HOO into the washing machine.
EXT. BOARDWALK - DAY
In the middle of a crowded boardwalk INTERSECTION, Jesse has
set up a CARD TABLE with a bunch of BOTTLES of SUNTAN LOTION
on it.
A sign taped to the table reads ‘Jesse and Chester’s Old
Timey Suntan Lotion’ - ‘Better and Cheaper Than the Real
Thing’.
There is a LOGO the Dudes have made up, which is a PHOTO
BOOTH PIC of Jesse and Chester holding lotion bottles and
giving a ‘thumbs up’.
(CONTINUED)
57.
CONTINUED:
JESSE
Step right up, ladies and gentlemen, step
right up, take a gander at the suntan
lotion of the future, it’s Jesse and
Chester’s Old Timey Suntan Lotion, just
as good as the real stuff but twice as
cheap, plus it’s handmade and homemade,
with plenty of tender loving care.
A CROWD starts to gather in front of Jesse.
JESSE (CONT’D)
Can I get a volunteer, someone from the
wonderful audience to come up here and
experience the comforting soothingness
that is Jesse and Chester’s Down Home
Suntan Lotion?
A couple of people raise their hands right in front of Jesse,
but he ignores them.
JESSE (CONT’D)
Anybody? Anyone want to volunteer?
An EAGER GUY jumps up and down RIGHT IN FRONT OF JESSE,
waving his arm.
EAGER GUY
Ooh pick me! Pick me!
Jesse continues to IGNORE the Eager Guy.
EAGER GUY (CONT’D)
(waving his arm)
Ooh ooh ooh! Me me me!
Jesse finally acknowledges the Eager Guy.
Okay, you.
Yes!
JESSE
EAGER GUY
JESSE
(hands him a plastic cup)
I’m going to need a urine sample.
EAGER GUY
But I just went.
JESSE
Well then, you can’t participate.
(CONTINUED)
58.
CONTINUED: (2)
Jesse SHOVES the Eager Guy away as Chester finally shows up,
clutching a popsicle. Jesse GRABS HIM.
JESSE (CONT’D)
You sir, you seem to be a sensible young
man whom I have never before met in my
entire life.
CHESTER
I don’t know you either, dude.
JESSE
(sotto)
Where were you, dude?
CHESTER
(sotto)
I was getting a popsicle.
Jesse leads Chester over to the display table.
JESSE
Now then, I’m going to ask you to step
right up here and rub a small sample of
Jesse and Chester’s Down Home Suntan
Lotion on your arm, and tell me what you
think.
Jesse squirts some lotion on Chester’s arm. He rubs it in.
CHESTER
Mmm mmm, that sure feels good.
JESSE
How good does it feel?
CHESTER
Well, it’s soothing, relaxing, and...
and...
JESSE
(whispers)
Sunproof-a-riffic, dude.
CHESTER
Sunproof-a-rific, dude!
GIRL #1
(re: Chester)
He looks like the guy on the label.
GIRL #2
Are you sure you guys don’t know each
other?
(CONTINUED)
59.
CONTINUED: (3)
CHESTER
Of course. Why, we haven’t known each
other for years.
JESSE
Ladies and gentlemen, you’re at the
beach, the sun is out, you need the best
skin protection your parents’ money can
buy. Just look how smoothly this lotion
goes on.
Jesse goes to squirt some more lotion on Chester, and
accidentally squirts a BIG BLOB right into his face.
JESSE (CONT’D)
Whoops! Why don’t you go ahead and rub
that in, young man who I don’t know.
CHESTER
Why don’t you put some on, dude who I
don’t know?
Chester grabs a bottle and SQUIRTS lotion at Jesse, but
MISSES.
The lotion ends up HITTING THE FACE of a BIG BLACK GUY in a
BLACK UNITARD who is ROLLERBLADING down the boardwalk. He is
BLINDED by the lotion, and SWERVES DANGEROUSLY before
CRASHING into 10 WHITE-ROBED HARE KRISHNAS who are standing
in a BOWLING PIN FORMATION.
Whoops.
JESSE
The CROWD stares at the Dudes as they stand there for a
moment, then DROP EVERYTHING and RUN AWAY.
EXT. HOTEL JEROME - PARKING LOT - DAY
Tony, Louis, and the Gang walk out into the parking lot,
where they see THE DUDES’ CAR.
TONY
Hey, that’s the car that ran me off the
road!
Excuse me!
LOUIS
Louis calls offscreen to-the Dudettes, who are using FIRE EXTINGUISHERS to put out a
FLAMING TABLE AND CHAIRS.
(CONTINUED)
60.
CONTINUED:
LOUIS (CONT’D)
Do you know whose car this is?
JACKIE
Why do you want to know?
TONY
Because I want to find the owners and
kick their asses.
Then, no.
JACKIE
CHARLOTTE
You could check the glovebox for some
identification.
JACKIE
(punches Charlotte in shoulder)
Dude!
CHARLOTTE
Ow, sorry. I was trying to think of what
not to say, and then I said it.
Tony reaches into the glovebox and pulls out-Chester’s DRIVERS LICENSE.
TONY
I think we’ve found our man.
LOUIS
We’re gonna find that guy and then force
feed him a mouthful of bloody Chiclets,
right Tony?
TONY
That’s the plan.
Tony, Louis, and the Gang leave.
JACKIE
Hey, you’ve got something on your shirt.
So do you.
CHARLOTTE
Both Dudettes point at each other’s shirts, and both look
down and fall for the old bit. The Dudettes GIGGLE.
Sweet.
JACKIE/CHARLOTTE
61.
EXT. BOARDWALK - DAY
The Dudes are walking down the boardwalk.
JESSE
I can’t believe we didn’t sell a single
bottle of lotion. Now we have to go tell
the girls we couldn’t raise the money.
CHESTER
I knew we weren’t cut out for sales.
Just then they notice a TETHERBALL COURT.
JESSE/CHESTER
Tetherball!
The Dudes RUN OVER to the tetherball court. Jesse grabs the
ball.
JESSE
My serve. Ready?
CHESTER
Bring on the tether.
JESSE
(points offscreen)
Look, Penelope Cruz!
CHESTER
(turns to look)
Where?
Jesse PUNCHES the ball, which SWINGS AROUND and SLAMS Chester
in the head.
Chester grabs the ball and prepares to serve.
CHESTER (CONT’D)
Okay, my turn.
(points offscreen)
Look, Penelope Cruz!
Chester PUNCHES the tetherball. Jesse DUCKS, and the ball
SWINGS around and SLAMS Chester in the head again, sending
him FLYING INTO A ROW OF SURFBOARDS, which all FALL DOWN.
JESSE
Dude, those boards probably belong to
some surfer gang that’s going to kick our
asses. Let’s scram.
(CONTINUED)
62.
CONTINUED:
They turn to go, but their path is blocked by the gang of
Second Graders from earlier.
MIKEY
Where do you think you’re going, Pops?
CHESTER
We’ve got to get out of here before the
surfers find out we knocked over their
boards.
MIKEY
Those are our boards, Gramps. And there’s
no escape from the Second Grade Surfers.
JESSE
Who’s that?
MIKEY
That’s our gang.
Jesse and Chester start to laugh.
JESSE
You guys are cute.
MIKEY
(mimicking)
You guys are cute.
JESSE
Hey, don’t start with the copycatting.
MIKEY
(mimicking)
Hey, don’t start with the copycatting.
JESSE
I’m serious!
MIKEY
(mimicking)
I’m serious!
Jesse GRABS Mikey angrily. Mikey immediately starts to FAKE
CRY LOUDLY. A FAMILY passing by notices.
FATHER
Is everything alright here?
Jesse adjusts Mikey’s shirt.
(CONTINUED)
63.
CONTINUED: (2)
JESSE
Why, of course. Just playing around with
my little brother here.
MIKEY
Yeah, we’re playing!
Mikey gives Jesse a BIG OLD KICK IN THE NUTS. Jesse can
barely contain his anger, but plays it off.
HA HA HA!
JESSE
The family walks off. Jesse turns to grab Mikey again, but
sees the gang has already mounted a fleet of SKATEBOARDS.
MIKEY
Don’t fuck with the Second Grade Surfers.
Language!
CHESTER
JESSE
Do you kiss your mommy with that mouth?
MIKEY
No, I kiss your mommy!
The Second Graders skate off.
JESSE
You should be ashamed of yourself!
A SLINKY comes flying from offscreen and hits Jesse in the
head.
Ow!
Ha ha!
JESSE (CONT’D)
MIKEY (OS)
Jesse lunges to chase after them, but Chester pulls him away.
Just then a guy walks by and shoves a FLIER into Jesse’s
hand. Jesse reads it, then turns to Chester.
JESSE
Hey, check this out.
He shows Chester the flier, which reads: “Wet T-Shirt
Contest”.
Another guy walks by and shoves a FLIER into Chester’s hand.
(CONTINUED)
64.
CONTINUED: (3)
CHESTER
Check this out!
The flier reads “Make Easy Money Fast”.
JESSE
I got an idea.
Me too.
CHESTER
JESSE
Let’s check out that wet t-shirt contest!
CHESTER
Hey, that was gonna be my idea!
Jesse looks at the wet T-shirt contest flier and sees that-there is a 2500 FIRST PRIZE.
JESSE
Dude, I’ve got an idea.
He starts to whisper to Chester.
CHESTER
No, no, no way dude, never ever in a
million years, no way no, absolutely no
way!
(then)
Well, maybe.
EXT. BEACH - OUTDOOR STAGE - DAY
A LIMO pulls up to the back of an outdoor stage/tent setup.
The PURPLE TARANTULAS get out, followed by Bernard and Tina.
Tina holds an UMBRELLA over Bernard’s face to keep him out of
the sun.
BERNARD
Now, for tonight’s show at Le Chateau, I
expect you to begin promptly at 10:30pm,
play for exactly one and one half hours,
and to dedicate a cover version of ‘Every
Breath You Take’ to my bodyguard, Tina.
TINA
Thanks, Boss.
PURPLE TARANTULA #1
That sounds like the lamest show ever.
(CONTINUED)
65.
CONTINUED:
PURPLE TARANTULA #2
Plus, the ticket prices are so high our
real fans can’t get in.
BERNARD
Exactly. See, high ticket prices are the
secret to making an ass-load of money.
PURPLE TARANTULA #3
Isn’t there some way we can get out of
this?
BERNARD
Sorry, but you guys signed a contract.
Bernard is about to SNEEZE. Tina whips out a HANDKERCHIEF and
BLOWS BERNARD’S NOSE.
BERNARD (CONT’D)
Thank you.
(to Purple Tarantulas)
I’ll see you gentlemen inside.
EXT. BEACH - DAY
Jesse stands next to a PORTA-POTTY.
JESSE
Come on out, dude.
CHESTER (OS)
I don’t wanna.
JESSE
Dude, I’m sure you look great.
The door to the porta-potty opens, revealing Chester, who is
WEARING A SHORT SKIRT, A WIG, A WHITE T-SHIRT, AND HAS HUGE
FAKE BOOBS.
JESSE (CONT’D)
You’re totally hot, dude. You’ll win the
contest for sure, and then we’ll get the
money for the girls, and then we can get
started on our vacation.
CHESTER
I don’t know, dude. These shorts don’t
really go.
JESSE
All you have to do is go up there and
shake those things around.
(CONTINUED)
66.
CONTINUED:
Chester pulls out a ‘WET T-SHIRT CONTESTS FOR DUMMIES’ book.
CHESTER
Don’t worry, I’ve been brushing up.
Just then Tony, Louis, and the Gang appear.
Hey you!
TONY
Tony grabs Chester and holds his driver’s license up next to
his face.
TONY (CONT’D)
This looks a lot like you, only you’re a
girl.
CHESTER
(girly falsetto)
That’s me, just one of the girls.
TONY
(looking closer)
Why does this look so much like you?
JESSE
That’s a picture of her brother, Chester.
TONY
Who are you?
JESSE
I’m... her boyfriend.
CHESTER
You wish. I told you, Clarence, it’s over
between us.
(grabs the license)
But thanks for finding my brother’s
license.
TONY
Is he down here somewhere?
CHESTER
I don’t think so. He mentioned something
about moving to Bulgaria forever.
TONY
You tell that fool that when I find him,
he’s going to be eating a triple knuckle
sandwich.
(CONTINUED)
67.
CONTINUED: (2)
CHESTER
Then you should try to catch him before
lunch.
Louis approaches Chester in a sexy way.
LOUIS
If you’re not doing anything later, you
should lose the zero and get with this
here hero.
CHESTER
That’s so cute.
Chester snuggles up to Louis.
CHESTER (CONT’D)
But I’m not that type of girl.
Chester KNEES Louis IN THE BALLS.
LOUIS
(falsetto)
That was unnecessary.
EXT. BEACH - OUTDOOR STAGE - DAY
A throng of SCREAMING GUYS gather at the foot of an OUTDOOR
STAGE, above which a banner reads: “The First Annual Le
Chateau Wet T-Shirt Contest”. An MC stands onstage with a
microphone.
MC
Okay guys, before we get started let me
introduce the sponsor of this event, the
owner of Le Chateau, Bernard Morgan.
Bernard comes onstage, accompanied by Tina, who holds the
microphone for him.
BERNARD
As you all know, Le Chateau is the
coolest, hippest place in town. To that
end, we are pleased to present, tonight,
live in concert, the coolest, hippest
band around, The Purple Tarantulas!
Bernard motions towards a table where the THREE MEMBERS of
THE PURPLE TARANTULAS sit, looking unhappy.
MC
And now, without further ado, let’s hear
it for our first contestant, Samantha!
(CONTINUED)
68.
CONTINUED:
A BUXOM GIRL comes out onto the stage as a CAMERA CREW films
the action. The MC POURS WATER over her chest, and she DANCES
for the crowd.
Jesse pushes his way into the crowd.
MC (CONT’D)
Let’s hear it, guys. Your cheers
determine who wins the contest.
The crowd ROARS. Jesse notices he is standing next to
Lawrence and Mr. Giggles.
MR. GIGGLES
Shake it, sexy lady! (CRAZY GIGGLE)
MC
Okay, next up is Debbie!
ANOTHER BUXOM GIRL comes out, gets the WATER POURED on her,
and dances around.
The crowd ROARS again.
MR. GIGGLES
You make me want to bust out the wood
polish, baby! (CRAZY GIGGLE)
MC
Okay, next up is... Chestine!
From backstage comes Chester, dressed in DRAG.
The crowd ROARS, but then starts to get LESS AND LESS
ENTHUSIASTIC.
JESSE
Woo hoo! Yeah! Alright! Come on, fellas!
Jesse NUDGES Lawrence and Mr. Giggles, but they are taken
aback.
The MC POURS WATER over Chester’s chest. He dances around
onstage as the CAMERA CREW gets up close to film him.
As Chestine SPINS, the Camera Crew is BOINKED by a FLYING
BOOB and is KNOCKED BACKWARDS.
As Chester DANCES AROUND, he accidentally BOINKS a couple of
the OTHER CONTESTANTS off the stage with his BIG FAKE BOOBS.
JESSE (CONT’D)
She’s pretty hot, huh? I’m voting for
her. First place for sure!
(CONTINUED)
69.
CONTINUED: (2)
LAWRENCE
I think that’s a man.
MR. GIGGLES
I feel dirty. (CRAZY GIGGLE)
The crowd is now pretty much silent. Chester continues to
dance, BOINKING the last couple of contestants offstage,
until he is THE ONLY ONE LEFT.
MC
Well, I guess we have a winner.
CHESTER
I win? Yay!
Chester DANCES LIKE A GIRL as Jesse jumps up onstage. They
hug and jump up and down as the MC approaches and gets ready
to raise Chester’s arm up like a boxing match winner.
MC
And the winner of the 2500$ prize is-BERNARD
Not so fast!
Bernard motions to Tina, who PULLS OFF CHESTER’s WIG.
BERNARD (CONT’D)
You’re a he, not a she. Your false
sexuality disqualifies you.
JESSE
Hey, that’s sexual discrimination.
CHESTER
We seriously need this money to replenish
our vacation fund.
JESSE
And we have to pay off the bank so they
don’t foreclose on the Hotel Jerome.
BERNARD
(light bulb)
Ah, in that case, you’re definitely
disqualified. The winner is...
He looks around at the other contestants. One of them is
stirring, just regaining consciousness.
Her.
BERNARD (CONT’D)
(CONTINUED)
70.
CONTINUED: (3)
The MC goes over and raises the semiconscious contestant’s
arm.
MC
We have a winner!
Bernard turns to Tina.
BERNARD
Call my attorney. There’s a nearby
property I’m suddenly very interested in
acquiring.
EXT. BEACH - OUTDOOR STAGE - LATER
Jesse and Chester, now out of drag, are exiting the stage
area when-the Dudettes drive up in Jesse’s car. The girls hop out.
Jackie holds a GIANT SLURPEE with FOUR STRAWS.
JESSE
Hey, what are you ladies doing with my
car?
JACKIE
We had to find you really fast.
CHARLOTTE
We have something really important to
tell you.
CHESTER
What is it?
JACKIE
(thinks, then)
Huh. Now I forget.
JESSE
How about a sip of your Slurpee?
Sure.
JACKIE
They all take BIG SIPS of the Giant Slurpee. After
swallowing, they all CLUTCH THEIR HEADS.
JESSE/CHESTER/JACKIE/CHARLOTTE
BRAIN FREEZE!!!
Just then Tony, Louis, and the Gang show up and see the Dudes
standing next to Jesse’s car.
(CONTINUED)
71.
CONTINUED:
LOUIS
Hey, that’s the car that cut you off.
Those are the dudes, Tony!
Get ‘em!
TONY
JACKIE
Oh yeah, that’s what we wanted to tell
you.
CHARLOTTE
Those dudes want to kick your asses.
(to Jackie)
Way to remember stuff!
The Dudettes HIGH FIVE.
As Tony, Louis, and the Gang run towards them, the Dudes jump
in the car.
JESSE
Relax, there’s no way they’ll catch us.
Just then they see that the car is STUCK IN THE SAND, the
WHEELS SPINNING HELPLESSLY.
Uh oh.
JESSE (CONT’D)
The Dudes GET OUT AND RUN, followed by Tony, Louis, and his
Gang.
EXT. BEACH - DAY
The Dudes round a corner and run into-the Second Grade Surfers, who hang out on their skateboards.
JESSE
Hey, can we borrow your skateboards?
MIKEY
(mimicking)
Hey, can we borrow your skateboards?
CHESTER
We’ll buy you ice cream.
MIKEY
(child-like)
Ice cream?
(CONTINUED)
72.
CONTINUED:
Hooray!
SECOND GRADER SURFERS
Jesse and Chester HOP ONTO A COUPLE OF SKATEBOARDS and skate
off, followed by Tony and his Gang.
EXT. BEACH - BOARDWALK - DAY
The Dudes ZOOM IN AND OUT of people on the boardwalk, chased
by Tony and his Gang.
The chase continues as the Dudes come skateboarding around a
corner. They DUCK INTO AN ALLEY AND SLOW DOWN, then turn to
look to see-Tony and Gang continue past them without turning.
JESSE
I think we lost them!
CHESTER
Skate or die, dude.
The Dudes HIGH FIVE and then turn to see they are HEADED
RIGHT FOR-an EXTREMELY STEEP STAIRWAY with a very long RAILING.
It’s TOO LATE for the Dudes to turn: they’re headed towards
it and going fast.
JESSE/CHESTER
(clutching each other)
AHHHH!!!
Jesse goes FLYING off the top of the stairway like it was a
RAMP, and does a 720 DOUBLE MCTWIST VERTICAL BACKSIDE AIR.
Chester follows close behind Jesse, and does a TRIPLE UPSIDE
LINDY 540 SUNSHINE LOOP AIRSTAND.
Both Dudes LAND ON THE RAILING, and RAILSLIDE DOWN THE
STAIRWAY.
JESSE
Dude, we’re railsliding!
Yeah!
CHESTER
Just then the Dudes LOSE THEIR BALANCE. Their boards FLY OUT
FROM UNDER THEM, and the Dudes RACK THEMSELVES JACKASS-STYLE
on the railing.
(CONTINUED)
73.
CONTINUED:
The Dudes SLIDE DOWN TO THE BOTTOM of the staircase ON THEIR
NUTS, LANDING IN A HEAP right at the foot of the Second Grade
Surfers.
MIKEY
That was radical! You guys just did a 540
Gobo Tweenie Up and Over Backside Air!
CHESTER
All I can say is, we did it completely on
purpose.
MIKEY
Anyone with the giblets to take on that
jump is okay with us. Come on, let’s get
ice cream!
All the Second Graders grab at The Dudes’ hands, trying to
hurry them along, but the Dudes are still recovering from
being RACKED.
JESSE
Okay, careful kids, Uncle Jesse has a
tummy ache.
EXT. BEACH - SNACK BAR - DAY
The Jesse’s car is PARKED IN THE SAND next to the snack bar.
The Dudes pass out ice cream cones to the Second Grade
Surfers.
Jesse hands a cone to Mikey.
JESSE
Here you go.
MIKEY
I want sprinkles.
JESSE
Sorry, kid.
Mikey GRABS JESSE BY THE BALLS.
MIKEY
(childlike)
Pleeeeeeeease?
JESSE
GET THIS KID SOME SPRINKLES!
Chester SHAKES SOME SPRINKLES on Mikey’s ice cream cone.
(CONTINUED)
74.
CONTINUED:
Hooray!
MIKEY
The Second Grade Surfers WALK AWAY as Officer Jack and Dennis
COME OUT OF THE SNACK BAR. They are also finishing ice cream
cones.
OFFICER JACK
Are you aware that your car is parked
illegally?
JESSE
Yeah, but see, it’s stuck.
OFFICER JACK
I’m not interested in your excuses. I’m
interested in the law.
DENNIS
Well said, dad.
OFFICER JACK
Roger that, son.
(pats himself down)
You’re lucky I left my ticket pad inside.
If your car is still here when we come
back out, you’re going to get a whopper
of a ticket.
Officer Jack and Dennis go back into the snack bar.
JESSE
What are we going to do, dude?
Jesse looks over and sees a YOUNG GIRL on the beach making a
SAND CASTLE.
JESSE (CONT’D)
I’ve got an idea.
CUT TO:
EXT. BEACH - MINUTES LATER
The Dudes have COVERED THE CAR WITH SAND, so it now looks
like a GIANT SAND SCULPTURE OF A CAR.
Perfect.
JESSE
CHESTER
Wait, we still have to dig the moat.
Officer Jack and Dennis return.
(CONTINUED)
75.
CONTINUED:
OFFICER JACK
I’m glad you guys respected our authority
and moved your car.
DENNIS
And you even had time to build one heck
of a sand sculpture.
JESSE
Thanks. We call it “Illegally Parked
Car”.
Just then a CROWD OF PEOPLE approaches them, including a
CONTEST HOST.
CONTEST HOST
This is the most original, daring piece
we’ve ever had entered in our contest.
Contest?
CHESTER
CONTEST HOST
The 17th annual Our Town Sand Sculpture
Contest. I hereby award you first place!
CHESTER
Even though there’s no moat?
CONTEST HOST
Here’s your prize.
He hands them a GIANT CHECK made out for 2500$.
JESSE/CHESTER
2500$! Sweet!
EXT. STREET - DAY
The Dudes drive down the street, with the GIANT CHECK
sticking out the passenger side window, partially obstructing
Jesse’ view.
As they drive along, they pass an OLD MAN DRESSED ALL IN
WHITE, who is KNOCKED OVER by the GIANT CHECK sticking out of
the car window.
The Old Man in White ROLLS ALONG THE GROUND and right into an
OPEN MANHOLE with a YELLOW POLE sticking out of it, just like
a GOLF BALL.
76.
EXT. HOTEL JEROME - POOL AREA - DAY
The Dudes WADE THROUGH a CROWD OF SPRING BREAKERS, carrying
the GIANT CHECK.
JESSE
Watch your back, watch your back...
CHESTER
This is perfect. We saved the day for the
girls, and we can finally get started on
our vacation.
JESSE
Yeah. Giant check, coming through...
The Dudes make their way through the crowd to find-the Dudettes, who are talking to Bernard Morgan and Tina.
JESSE (CONT’D)
We got the money!
CHESTER
What’s he doing here?
BERNARD
I was just explaining to these lovely
ladies that I’ve bought the mortgage to
this hotel.
JACKIE
Which means it’s not the bank we owe
money to.
CHARLOTTE
(re: Bernard)
It’s him.
JESSE
This is perfect. Here’s your twenty five
hundred dollars, sucker.
BERNARD
Twenty five hundred dollars?
JESSE
That’s right. All we have to do is
endorse it.
Jesse whips out a pen.
CHESTER
I wanna endorse it, dude.
(CONTINUED)
77.
CONTINUED:
JESSE
I called it.
CHESTER
You did not!
Did too!
JESSE
The Dudes start to WRESTLE over the pen.
Bernard starts to CHUCKLE, then flat out LAUGH.
BERNARD
(laughing)
Twenty five hundred dollars...
Jesse and Chester stop arguing and watch suspiciously as
Bernard laughs.
JESSE
What are you laughing about?
(examines pen)
Did you wipe a bugger on this pen?
BERNARD
I’m afraid you gentlemen have been
misinformed. In order to save the hotel,
you have to come up with twenty five
thousand dollars.
JESSE/CHESTER
Twenty five thousand dollars?
The Dudes look to the Dudettes.
JACKIE
Zeroes always confuse me.
JESSE
Wait a second.
The Dudes turn their backs to Bernard and start to scribble
on the giant check.
When they turn around we see that they have added extra
‘zeros’ to the check, turning it from 2500.00 to
25,000,000,000.00.
JESSE (CONT’D)
Whoops, looks like we read the numbers
wrong. Do you have change for 25 billion
dollars?
(CONTINUED)
78.
CONTINUED: (2)
BERNARD
You have until midnight.
Tina SCOOPS UP Bernard in her arms, and they leave.
CHESTER
That was a stupid idea. You should have
gone with 25 million. Who’d believe we
had a 25 billion dollar check?
EXT. HOTEL JEROME - POOL AREA - DAY
The Dudes and the Dudettes take in the scene as a bunch of
Spring Breakers hang out by the pool.
JESSE
Dude, twenty five thousand dollars in
six hours? That’s impossible.
JACKIE
There’s got to be a way we can raise the
money.
CHESTER
You guys are either crazy or shibby, and
if you’re shibby, I’d like to get some of
that shibby, because it must be some
crazy shibby.
JACKIE
Sorry, we came down here for a reason.
CHARLOTTE
Yeah.
(then)
What was the reason?
JACKIE
To get jobs working at a hotel by the
beach.
JESSE
Well, we came down here for a reason,
too.
CHESTER
Yeah.
(then)
What was the reason?
(CONTINUED)
79.
CONTINUED:
JESSE
To have the best vacation ever. So why
don’t we spend our last couple of hours
of vacation having fun together? We’ve
still got this 2500 dollar check.
CHESTER
Which means we’ve finally replenished our
vacation fund. And 2500 dollars will buy
a lot of buffalo wings.
JACKIE
Sorry, but that’s totally lame. We can’t
just go out and relax when there’s still
a chance we can save the hotel.
CHARLOTTE
Although we do love buffalo wings...
JACKIE
Charlotte, focus. We’re going to have to
do this ourselves.
The Dudettes ANGRILY WALK AWAY.
JESSE
You try to be nice, and what do you get?
Nothing but grief.
CHESTER
Okay, it’s finally time to get our
vacation on. What do you wanna do? Hit
the beach, plays some volleyball, go for
a bike ride?
A TRUCK towing a PORTABLE BILLBOARD pulls up on the street in
front of them. On the billboard is a picture of a GIGANTIC
HUMMER STRETCH LIMO with a HOT TUB IN THE BACK, and a PRICE:
2500$.
Dude...
JESSE/CHESTER
The Dudes then see, in SMALLER WRITING: “WE TAKE CHECKS”.
Sweet!
JESSE/CHESTER (CONT’D)
EXT. BOARDWALK - DAY
We are at a STOPLIGHT, where a HUMMER LIMO pulls up in front
of the camera. We PAN DOWN the limo, which is SUPER LONG,
finally getting to the END of it, where Jesse and Chester sit
in a HOT TUB, sipping champagne.
(CONTINUED)
80.
CONTINUED:
JESSE
Now this is what I call a vacation!
CHESTER
I don’t know how this could get any
better.
Nice limo.
FANTASY GIRL #1 (OS)
The Dudes look to see-the two hot Fantasy Girls standing on the sidewalk in front
of them. A SEXY GUITAR RIFF PLAYS, and a LIGHT WIND BLOWS THE
GIRLS’ HAIR EROTICALLY.
EXT. BOARDWALK - DAY
We are at a STOPLIGHT, where the HUMMER LIMO pulls up in
front of the camera.
We PAN DOWN the limo, which is SUPER LONG, finally getting to
the END of it, where Jesse and Chester sit in the HOT TUB,
ALONG WITH THE TWO FANTASY GIRLS, sipping champagne.
CHESTER
Now I really don’t know how this vacation
could get any better.
They look across the street and see-a CHILI DOG VENDOR.
EXT. BOARDWALK - DAY
We are at a STOPLIGHT, where the HUMMER LIMO pulls up in
front of the camera.
We PAN DOWN the limo, which is SUPER LONG, finally getting to
the END of it, where Jesse and Chester sit in the HOT TUB
with the two Fantasy Girls, EATING CHILI DOGS.
CHESTER
Game over, dude.
FANTASY GIRL #1
You guys are having the best vacation
ever.
FANTASY GIRL #2
Why ruin it wasting time trying to save a
silly old hotel?
(CONTINUED)
81.
CONTINUED:
JESSE
How do you know we’re trying to save a
hotel?
Just then a BIG BUBBLE POPS UP out of the hot tub.
JESSE (CONT’D)
Gross, dude.
CHESTER
That wasn’t me!
They look to the Fantasy Girls, who looks embarrassed.
JESSE
Now that’s just disgusting.
The limo pulls up to another STOPLIGHT.
On the SIDEWALK across from the Dudes are the Dudettes, who
are sitting behind a LEMONADE/EGG/ORGAN DONOR STAND. They
have a BIG SIGN that reads LEMONADE: 50 CENTS. EGGS: 1
DOLLAR. KIDNEYS: 25,000$.
The Dudettes and the Dudes see each other at the same time.
Dude...
JESSE/CHESTER
The Dudettes look sad as THE LIMO PULLS AWAY.
EXT. BOARDWALK - DAY
The limo drives along.
JESSE
Dude, I feel terrible. You know what I
just realized?
CHESTER
Yeah. Seven chili dogs is three too many.
JESSE
I know we’re sitting here with a couple
of hot chicks and all, but the girl I
really want to be with is Jackie.
CHESTER
You know what? I just realized I feel the
same way about Charlotte.
JESSE
We have to win them back. And you know
how?
(CONTINUED)
82.
CONTINUED:
CHESTER
Sure, it’s totally obvious. We save the
hotel.
JESSE
No, we-- Actually, that’s pretty good.
The limo pulls up to another red light, where a GROUP OF KIDS
listen to a RADIO.
DJ
That’s right, we’re coming to you live
from the offices here at Mighty 99, I’m
Mighty Mordechai, and we’ve got the
Purple Tarantulas here live in studio!
PURPLE TARANTULAS
Hey!/Hi!/What up?
JESSE
I’ve got it! We get The Purple Tarantulas
to play at our hotel tonight instead of
Bernard’s. Then, we get all the Spring
Break kids to come, and raise the money
we need.
CHESTER
Sounds like a plan. Let’s do it.
Jesse stands up out of the hot tub, revealing that he’s
wearing a RED, WHITE, and BLUE THONG SWIMSUIT.
JESSE
Dude, where are my pants?
EXT. RADIO STATION - DAY
Establishing shot of the building with a MIGHTY 99 sign.
EXT. RADIO STATION - PARKING LOT - DAY
The Dudes pull up to the SPEAKERBOX/TICKET DISPENSER.
The machine spits out a ticket for Jesse to take.
SPEAKER
Please take the ticket.
Jesse reaches out to take the ticket, but it is PULLED BACK
before he can grab it.
The machine spits out the ticket again.
(CONTINUED)
83.
CONTINUED:
SPEAKER (CONT’D)
Please take the ticket.
Again Jesse reaches out to take the ticket, but again it is
PULLED BACK before he can grab it. Jesse looks confused.
CHESTER
We’re in a hurry, dude. Just take the
ticket.
JESSE
I’m trying, dude.
The machine spits out the ticket again.
SPEAKER
Please take the ticket.
Jesse stares at the machine for a moment, then lunges for the
ticket, but it is pulled back before he can grab it.
JESSE
What’s your problem, you ticket...
machine.
CHESTER
Dude, you’re talking to the ticket
machine.
JESSE
It won’t give me the ticket.
The machine spits out the ticket again.
SPEAKER
Please take the ticket.
CHESTER
I’ll get it.
Chester leans over and reaches for the ticket, which is
pulled back before he can get it.
Huh.
CHESTER (CONT’D)
The machine spits out the ticket again.
SPEAKER
Please take the ticket.
This time, Jesse plays it cool.
(CONTINUED)
84.
CONTINUED: (2)
JESSE
Oh, I’ll take the ticket in a second.
Right now I’m just going to relax a
little.
Jesse leans back and pretends to relax, STRETCHING HIS ARMS.
He then quickly LUNGES for the ticket, but the machine is too
quick.
Damn!
JESSE (CONT’D)
The machine spits out the ticket again.
SPEAKER
Please take the ticket.
Jesse lunges again. Again the ticket is pulled back, and then
presented again. Jesse lunges, but the ticket is pulled back
again. This is repeated a couple of times, FASTER AND FASTER,
until Jesse blows up.
JESSE
WHY DON’T YOU JUST GIVE ME THE FREAKING
TICKET?!
The machine spits out the ticket again.
SPEAKER
Here you go.
Jesse stares at the machine, ticket extended. Slowly he
reaches out, his hand getting closer and closer. Finally, he
lunges and grabs the ticket.
Gotcha!
JESSE
Jesse relaxes, and pulls the ticket, only it won’t come out.
He gives it a couple of tugs, but it’s STUCK.
JESSE (CONT’D)
(tugging)
Why you stupid ticket machine.
CHESTER
Here, dude.
Chester reaches over and grabs Jesse and starts to yank too.
It’s not helping.
JESSE
Okay, let’s give it a big yank. Ready?
One... Two... Three!
(CONTINUED)
85.
CONTINUED: (3)
They yank really hard on it. The ticket comes out easily,
sending the Dudes TUMBLING out the door on the other side of
the car.
The gate pops up, letting the Dudes into the parking lot.
SPEAKER
Have a nice day.
INT. RADIO STATION - LOBBY - DAY
The LOBBY IS CROWDED WITH FANS of The Purple Tarantulas.
Jesse and Chester walk through the lobby and towards the
ELEVATOR, but are stopped at a checkpoint manned by a
SECURITY GUARD.
GUARD
You guys need have to have security
wristbands to enter.
JESSE
My dog ate ours.
CHESTER
You have a dog?
GUARD
Sorry, fellas, I’m going to need you to
step aside.
The Dudes step aside.
JESSE
How are we going to get wristbands?
CHESTER
How come you never told me you had a dog?
Jesse sees-a WOMAN exit the checkpoint. She pulls off her WRISTBAND and
TOSSES IT towards a trash can, only it lands in a HUGE
TROPICAL FISHTANK.
INT. RADIO STATION - LOBBY - FISHTANK - DAY
Jesse and Chester rush over to the HUGE FISHTANK. Jesse is
about to reach for the wristband, but it has FLOATED DOWN TO
THE BOTTOM OF THE TANK.
JESSE
Okay, dude. You need to get that
wristband.
(CONTINUED)
86.
CONTINUED:
CHESTER
Me? What about you?
JESSE
You know I have that elbow thing from
tennis camp, dude.
CHESTER
Dude, why do I always have to reach for
stuff?
Chester reaches down into the tank, stretching to reach the
wristband. Some strange looking TROPICAL FISH swim by.
Chester yanks his hands out.
CHESTER (CONT’D)
Dude, piranhas!
JESSE
They’re not piranhas, dude.
CHESTER
I don’t care, they could still bite my
hand off.
JESSE
Dude, they’re harmless tropical fish.
Come on.
Chester reaches back in, but can’t reach the wristband.
CHESTER
I can’t reach it.
JESSE
Use both hands, dude.
Chester reaches in with both hands, but still can’t get the
wristband.
Chester YANKS his arms out as an OCTOPUS swims by.
CHESTER
Dude, an octopus!
JESSE
That’s not an... Okay, that’s an octopus.
But don’t worry, dude, they don’t eat
people.
CHESTER
What do they eat?
(CONTINUED)
87.
CONTINUED: (2)
JESSE
I don’t know. Sardines?
CHESTER
Sardines are gross.
The octopus SWIMS AWAY.
JESSE
Okay, now’s your chance, dude.
Chester reaches in with both hands. He stretches, and his
fingers GRAZE the wristband.
Almost...
JESSE (CONT’D)
Chester takes a DEEP BREATH, and DUNKS himself into the
fishtank, and is able to GRAB the wristband.
Chester EMERGES from the fishtank, one hand in the air,
holding the wristband.
Got it!
CHESTER
Just then the octopus LATCHES ON to Chester’s OTHER HAND,
which is still in the fishtank.
AHHHHH!!!
CHESTER (CONT’D)
Chester steps back from the tank, the octopus now WRAPPED
AROUND his hand, completely enveloping it.
AHHHHH!!!
CHESTER (CONT’D)
Jesse tries to calm Chester down.
JESSE
Hey, it’s okay, chill out, dude.
Chester, almost HYPERVENTILATING, examines his octopusenveloped hand.
CHESTER
Chill out? I have an octopus on my hand!
JESSE
Does it hurt?
(CONTINUED)
88.
CONTINUED: (3)
CHESTER
(calming down)
Well... No. It feels... squishy.
Jesse puts on the wristband.
JESSE
Good job getting the wristband. But we
need another one.
Jesse looks at the octopus.
JESSE (CONT’D)
Or maybe we don’t.
INT. RADIO STATION - LOBBY - DAY
The Guard continues to check wristbands at the checkpoint.
The Dudes approach.
JESSE
Sorry about the delay. I left my
wristband in my luxury sedan.
The Guard checks Jesse’s wristband, and waves him through.
CHESTER
I too left my wristband in his luxury
sedan.
Chester presents his OCTOPUS-COVERED HAND to the Guard.
GUARD
What’s this?
CHESTER
It’s my wrist.
GUARD
What’s that thing on your wrist?
CHESTER
It’s an octopus.
GUARD
Where’s your wristband?
CHESTER
It’s underneath the octopus.
GUARD
But I can’t see the wrist band.
(CONTINUED)
89.
CONTINUED:
CHESTER
Why, that’s because of the octopus,
naturally.
JESSE
Naturally, indeed.
GUARD
I’m going to have to call this in.
The Guard picks up a phone and dials, turning his back to the
Dudes.
CHESTER
What do we do now?
Jesse thinks for a moment, then DASHES past the checkpoint
towards the ELEVATOR. Chester follows him.
The Guard hangs up the phone.
GUARD
Okay, fellas, I’m going to need to get
under that octopus.
The Guard notices that the Dudes are gone.
INT. RADIO STATION - TOP FLOOR - DAY
The ELEVATOR opens and the Dudes get out. Chester BANGS THE
OCTOPUS on his hand against the wall.
CHESTER
Okay, this is starting to freak me out,
dude. How am I supposed to high five
anyone with an octopus on my hand?
JESSE
Relax, dude. We’ll get it off after we
find out what room the band is in.
CALVIN (OS)
Hey, you two.
The Dudes turn to see-a SECURITY CHECKPOINT, manned by a security guard, CALVIN.
CALVIN (CONT’D)
You guys are in big trouble.
We are?
JESSE
(CONTINUED)
90.
CONTINUED:
CALVIN
Yeah. My computer keeps crashing and I
can’t check my email.
Huh?
CHESTER
CALVIN
You guys are from the IT department,
right? You’re the computer guys?
CHESTER
No, we’re not.
Jesse PUNCHES Chester.
CHESTER (CONT’D)
I mean, no, we’re not not the computer
guys. Which means we are.
The Dudes walk over to Calvin’s desk, where a COMPUTER sits.
JESSE
What seems to be the problem?
CALVIN
Every time I go to check my email my
computer crashes.
Chester BANGS the octopus against the WALL, trying to knock
it off. No effect.
CALVIN (CONT’D)
What’s that on his hand?
JESSE
An octopus. Are you sure this thing’s
plugged in?
Chester now BANGS the octopus against Calvin’s DESK.
CALVIN
Are you guys really from the IT
department?
JESSE
Of course we are. Why shouldn’t we be?
CALVIN
Well, usually you guys don’t have
octopuses.
JESSE
Octopi, dude.
(CONTINUED)
91.
CONTINUED: (2)
Chester continues to BANG the octopus against Calvin’s desk.
JESSE (CONT’D)
Don’t worry about him. He’s new.
Chester now BANGS the octopus against Calvin’s COMPUTER.
CALVIN
I don’t think you’re supposed to do that.
Chester SCREAMS and BANGS the octopus violently against the
computer OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
Finally, the octopus COMES OFF Chester’s hand, flopping down
on the desk next to the computer, which BEEPS. TEXT starts to
appear onscreen.
CALVIN (CONT’D)
Hey, you fixed it! Thank you guys so
much. If I can’t check my email, I feel
totally cut off from the rest of the
world.
JESSE
Don’t mention it. Say, we got a call
about computer problems in the studio
where The Purple Tarantulas are
broadcasting from.
CALVIN
Right down that hallway and to the left.
The Dudes head off down the hall.
CALVIN (CONT’D)
Thanks again for the help, you guys.
CHESTER
No problem. If your computer gives you
any more trouble, just hit it with that
octopus.
Right.
CALVIN
Just then the OCTOPUS FLIES IN from offscreen and ONTO
CALVIN’S FACE, COMPLETELY COVERING IT. Calvin gives a MUTED
SCREAM, and FALLS OVER BACKWARDS.
INT. RADIO STATION - BROADCAST ROOM - DAY
We are CLOSE ON a TV SCREEN, where we see an ad for CRAZY
CHICKS, a ‘girls gone wild’ type of service.
(CONTINUED)
92.
CONTINUED:
ANNOUNCER (VO)
See hot chicks getting wild and crazy
during spring break!
There is footage of all kinds of girls on the beach,
including CHESTINE DANCING at the wet t-shirt contest. We
PULL BACK to reveal-we are in a BROADCAST ROOM where The Purple Tarantulas sit,
along with MIGHTY MORDECHAI, the DJ, watching TV.
PURPLE TARANTULA #2
That chick is not hot.
PURPLE TARANTULA #3
I think she’s kind of cute.
MIGHTY MORDECHAI
We’re back on the air, guys.
(into mike)
And welcome back to our live in studio
chat with your favorite rock and roll
band, The Purple Tarantulas!
As Mighty Mordechai talks, we see Jesse and Chester IN THE
HALLWAY OUTSIDE the studio. They HIDE as a SECURITY GUARD
walks by.
JESSE
This is perfect, dude. We just wait until
they go off the air, and then talk to the
band.
CHESTER
Yeah. High five!
They high five. Chester kisses his now octopus-free hand.
Just then Calvin STUMBLES UP BEHIND THEM, with the OCTOPUS
covering his HEAD. His SCREAMS are MUTED.
CALVIN
(MUTED SCREAMS)
The Dudes GRAB Calvin and pull him down with them.
MIGHTY MORDECHAI
The boys will be playing tonight at Le
Chateau, isn’t that right, fellas?
PURPLE TARANTULAS
(not excited)
Yeah...
(CONTINUED)
93.
CONTINUED: (2)
BACK ON THE DUDES:
The Dudes try to calm Calvin down. He is TRYING TO TALK to
the Dudes, but the OCTOPUS ON HIS FACE makes it hard for them
to understand what he’s saying.
CALVIN
(muted)
GET THIS OCTOPUS OFF MY FACE!
What?
JESSE
CALVIN
(muted)
GET THIS OCTOPUS OFF MY FACE!
CHESTER
I can’t understand you, dude, you have an
octopus on your face.
CALVIN
(muted)
I KNOW! GET IT OFF!
CHESTER
I can’t tell what he’s saying. We’d
better get this octopus off his face.
JESSE
(to Chester)
You’re the expert in getting octopi off
stuff, dude.
Chester takes Calvin’s HEAD and starts to BANG IT against a
the wall, trying to knock the octopus off.
Mighty Mordechai hears the DULL THUMP of Calvin’s head
hitting the wall, and turns and sees the Dudes. As he talks,
he MOTIONS FOR THEM TO BE QUIET.
BACK ON THE DUDES:
Chester continues to BANG Calvin’s head against the wall.
The octopus finally COMES OFF of Calvin’s head, but Chester
doesn’t notice, and he continues to BANG Calvin’s head
against the wall, only now the DULL THUD SOUNDS DIFFERENT;
it’s MUCH LOUDER.
MIGHTY MORDECHAI
And we’ll be right back after this quick
commercial break.
(CONTINUED)
94.
CONTINUED: (3)
Mighty Mordechai hits a BUTTON, and they are OFF THE AIR.
The Dudes approach the Purple Tarantulas as Calvin falls over
in a heap.
MIGHTY MORDECHAI (CONT’D)
What are you guys doing back there?
JESSE
We need your help. See, we’re a couple of
local businessmen who are being screwed
over by Bernard Morgan.
CHESTER
And instead of playing at Le Chateau
tonight, we thought you guys would like
to play a show at our hotel where your
real fans could afford to come see you
play.
PURPLE TARANTULA #1
We’d love to, but we signed a contract
with Bernard.
CHESTER
Can I see the contract?
Purple Tarantula #1 hands Chester a contract.
CHESTER (CONT’D)
(flips through contract)
Let’s see... Aha! You signed this
contract on June 14th, which is Flag Day,
a national holiday, and technically
speaking a contract signed on a national
holiday can be voided.
JESSE
So do you guys want to play our show?
Heck yeah!
PURPLE TARANTULA #3
PURPLE TARANTULA #2
Are you a music industry lawyer?
Chester whips out a ‘Music Contracts for Dummies’ book.
CHESTER
(re: book)
Let’s just say I’m a dummy.
Mighty Mordechai HITS A BUTTON: they are BACK ON THE AIR.
(CONTINUED)
95.
CONTINUED: (4)
MIGHTY MORDECHAI
Welcome back, Purple Tarantula fans. It
sounds like we have some big breaking
news for you guys.
Jesse grabs the microphone.
JESSE
That’s right, the venue for tonight’s
show has changed. The Purple Tarantulas
will now be playing at-CHESTER
The Hotel Jerome!
Just then Calvin pops up, in a daze.
CALVIN
You guys, I have to check my email.
Calvin PASSES OUT, FALLING OVER BACKWARDS out of frame.
EXT. BEACH - DAY
A group of Spring Breakers hear the news on the radio.
MIGHTY MORDECHAI
That’s right, the venue for the Purple
Tarantula show has changed.
EXT. BEACH - DAY
The Second Grade Surfers are hanging around on the beach when
they hear the news on the radio.
MIGHTY MORDECHAI
So if you’re planning on going to the
show tonight, listen up. It will no
longer be held at the Le Chateau.
INT. LE CHATEAU - DAY
Tina is WAXING BERNARD’S BIKINI LINE when they hear the news
on the radio.
MIGHTY MORDECHAI
The concert will now be held at Hotel
Jerome, and all proceeds will go to help
save the hotel.
BERNARD
What?! Those idiots are stealing my band
to help raise money for their hotel?
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)
96.
CONTINUED:
BERNARD (CONT'D)
Oh, this will not do, this will simply
not do.
Open up.
TINA
Bernard OPENS HIS MOUTH and Tina PLACES A MOUTHPIECE INSIDE.
Ready?
TINA (CONT’D)
Bernard GRIMACES AND NODS, and Tina RIPS A SHEET OF WAX PAPER
OFF Bernard’s groin.
YOW!!!
BERNARD
EXT. BEACH - BOARDWALK - DAY
Lawrence and Mr. Giggles are riding a TANDEM BICYCLE down the
beach when they hear the news over the radio.
MIGHTY MORDECHAI
The venue has been changed to the Hotel
Jerome.
EXT. HOTEL JEROME - DAY
Jackie and Charlotte are sitting behind a TABLE that is made
up as a KISSING BOOTH. There is a BIG GLASS JAR full of
MONEY. There is a LONG LINE of Spring Break Guys in front of
them.
The next Spring Break Guy APPROACHES AND PUTS A DOLLAR IN THE
JAR.
SPRING BREAK GUY
Okay, let’s have that kiss.
Jackie and Charlotte TURN TO EACH OTHER AND KISS.
The Spring Breaker Guys are all ENTRANCED by the LONG, SLOW,
SEXY KISS.
The KISS FINALLY ENDS. The Spring Break Guys all CHEER.
Jackie and Charlotte each put on some CHAPSTICK.
Next!
JACKIE
CHARLOTTE
We’re going to need a lot more Chapstick.
(CONTINUED)
97.
CONTINUED:
A Spring Breaker comes by with a radio, over which they all
hear:
MIGHTY MORDECHAI
This is Mighty Mordechai coming at you on
the Mighty 99, here to tell you that the
Purple Tarantula show tonight has been
moved to the Hotel Jerome!
JACKIE
What? The Purple Tarantulas are playing a
show here tonight?
CHARLOTTE
How did that happen?
SPRING BREAK KID #1
I heard something on the radio about how
a couple of dummies got the band to
change their minds.
The Dudes!
JACKIE/CHARLOTTE
CHARLOTTE
We’d better get this place ready for a
concert!
The Dudettes grab the JAR OF MONEY and RUSH AWAY,
disappointing a GIANT BULL DYKE who is next in line.
GIANT BULL DYKE
(disappointed)
This happens to me every time.
EXT. RADIO STATION - PARKING LOT - NIGHT
The Dudes exit the hotel, followed by the Purple Tarantulas.
Jesse checks his watch.
JESSE
Okay, we’ve got one hour till the money’s
due.
CHESTER
We’re right on schedule, dude.
They HIGH FIVE. Jesse looks around.
JESSE
Dude, where’s my car?
They look around, but Jesse’s car is gone.
(CONTINUED)
98.
CONTINUED:
CHESTER
Ha ha, okay dude, quit kidding around.
JESSE
Seriously dude, where’s my car?
CHESTER
I want my high five back.
JESSE
Whoa. I’m getting a weird deja vu
feeling.
PURPLE TARANTULA #1
If you want, we can take our tour bus.
He points over to where a large BUS is parked.
PURPLE TARANTULA #2
Have you guys ever driven a bus?
JESSE
No, but how hard can it be?
INT. BUS - NIGHT
Jesse drives the bus. Chester stands next to him, with the
Purple Tarantulas behind them.
JESSE
This is really hard, dude.
Cop!
PURPLE TARANTULA #1
Jesse looks in the rearview mirror and sees-a POLICE CAR with the SIRENS FLASHING gaining on them.
CHESTER
It’s okay, dude. They probably think
we’re just a regular bus.
JESSE
Maybe we should act like a regular bus
and pick those people up.
Jesse points to:
a BUS STOP on the side of the road up ahead.
99.
EXT. BUS STOP - NIGHT
Brad, the drive-through customer from the opening scene,
stands by the curb, suitcase at his feet.
BRAD
Ah, smell that ocean air. Just what the
doctor ordered.
INT. BUS - NIGHT
The bus continues towards the bus stop.
CHESTER
Okay dude, hit the brakes.
Jesse strains to push down on the brake.
JESSE
I can’t slow her down anymore!
CHESTER
Evasive maneuvers!
They both TURN THE STEERING WHEEL.
EXT. BUS STOP - NIGHT
The bus BARELY AVOIDS crushing the bus stop, but PLOWS INTO
Brad, sending him FLYING ACROSS THE STREET and into a
DUMPSTER.
INT. BUS - CONTINUOUS
The Dudes watch as-the POLICE CAR that was behind them drives past.
JESSE
Phew, dude.
As the Dudes drive off, we see Brad STICK HIS HEAD out of the
dumpster. HE’S OKAY, but just then the LID OF THE DUMPSTER
FALLS and BOINKS him on the head.
BEHIND THEM ALL we see a POLICE TOW TRUCK drive by. IT IS
TOWING AWAY JESSE’S CAR.
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
The COP TOW TRUCK pulls up to a light. We see it is driven by
Officer Jack and Dennis.
(CONTINUED)
100.
CONTINUED:
We PULL BACK to see the Second Grade Surfers sitting on the
curb.
MIKEY
Hey, that’s the dudes’ car. Come on.
EXT. TOW TRUCK - NIGHT
Officer Jack and Dennis wait at the light. Mikey pops up next
to them.
MIKEY
Excuse me, Mister. Have you seen my
mommy?
OFFICER JACK
Why don’t you tell me what she looks
like, little boy.
MIKEY
(mimicking)
Why don’t you tell me what she looks
like, little boy.
OFFICER JACK
Nobody likes a copycat, son.
MIKEY
(mimicking)
Nobody likes a copycat, son.
DENNIS
Hey, you’re disrespecting an officer of
the law.
MIKEY
(mimicking)
Hey, you’re disrespecting an officer of
the law.
The rest of the gang has UNHOOKED THE CAR. One kid gives
Mikey the THUMBS UP.
MIKEY (CONT’D)
So long, coppers!
Mikey runs off, and Officer Jack and Dennis drive away,
LEAVING THE DUDES’ CAR BEHIND.
The Second Graders all jump in the car. Mikey gets in the
driver’s seat.
MIKEY (CONT’D)
Let’s get this car back to the Dudes.
(CONTINUED)
101.
CONTINUED:
SECOND GRADER SURFER #1
Do you know how to drive stick?
MIKEY
I don’t know how to drive period!
Mikey PUNCHES THE GAS, and the car goes PEELING OUT and away.
INT. HOTEL JEROME - COURTYARD - NIGHT
The place is now FULL OF SPRING BREAKERS, milling around in
front of a STAGE set up in the courtyard, waiting for the
show to start. Onstage, a DJ spins records.
CROWD
WE WANT THE PURPLE TARANTULAS!
WE WANT THE PURPLE TARANTULAS!
WE WANT THE PURPLE TARANTULAS!
Teddy walks up to the DJ and takes his headphones, thinking
the turntables are some kind of PA system.
TEDDY
(to crowd)
Attention all whippersnappin kids. The
show will start momentarily. We hope.
The crowd doesn’t hear Teddy.
TEDDY (CONT’D)
How the heck do you work this thing?
Teddy fiddles with the turntables and accidentally SCRATCHES
one of the records, hip-hop style.
The kids NOTICE the scratching and like it, CHEERING when
they see Teddy at the turntables, thinking he’s a DJ.
TEDDY (CONT’D)
What’s the matter with this confounded
piece of junk?
Teddy starts to really CUT IT UP on the turntables, thinking
the kids don’t like it, but the kids all CHEER for him.
TEDDY (CONT’D)
Oh, you don’t like that, do you?
Teddy continues to SCRATCH as the crowd CHEERS and DANCES,
and the DJ watches.
DJ
That’s pretty dope.
(CONTINUED)
102.
CONTINUED:
TEDDY
Don’t get smart with me, Weisenheimer.
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
We are CLOSE ON Bernard as he WALKS DOWN THE STREET, talking
on his cellphone.
BERNARD
That’s right, I want you and your crew to
meet me at the Hotel Jerome at midnight.
I’m going to get rid of those
troublemakers once and for all.
He hangs up, and we PULL BACK TO REVEAL that Bernard is
SITTING ON TINA’S SHOULDERS AS SHE WALKS DOWN THE STREET.
BERNARD (CONT’D)
Come on, let’s pick it up.
TINA
You got it, boss.
Tina starts to JOG.
EXT. HOTEL JEROME - NIGHT
The Dudettes are out front, putting the finishing touches on
some decorations outside the hotel, when they see-Bernard and Tina standing with the two Fantasy Chicks,
observing the growing crowd.
FANTASY GIRL #1
We tried to distract the dudes, but they
seemed really determined.
FANTASY GIRL #2
And they were sorta stupid, too.
BERNARD
(handing them money)
I appreciate your hard work, ladies.
(to Tina)
Let’s go warm up the bulldozer. No more
Mr. Nice Guy.
Bernard and Tina exit, leaving the two Fantasy Girls, who are
approached by the Dudettes, who have OVERHEARD their
conversation.
(CONTINUED)
103.
CONTINUED:
JACKIE
Well, if it isn’t the two big boobed
babes who were hot tubbing with our
dudes.
CHARLOTTE
Yeah. I’m surprised you have the nerve to
show your faces around here.
FANTASY GIRL #1
We don’t really like those dudes. We were
just hired to distract them.
JACKIE
You mean, that whole hot tub thing was a
set up?
FANTASY GIRL #1
Yeah. They actually talked about how much
they liked you guys.
FANTASY GIRL #2
You’re lucky to have such great
boyfriends.
JACKIE
We have boyfriends!
Sweet!
CHARLOTTE
The Dudettes SMILE, then rear back and DECK the Fantasy
Girls, then shake their bruised knuckles.
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
Tony, Louis, and the Gang stand around TONY’S CAR, which has
been COMPLETELY FIXED UP.
LOUIS
She looks good as new, Tony.
TONY
Thanks. Now, if anyone so much as
breathes on this baby, I’m going to kill
them.
Just then the Dudes’ car comes FLYING around the corner.
INT. JESSE’S CAR - NIGHT
The Second Graders are crammed into the car. One works the
gas, another works the brake, and Mikey drives, LITTLE
RASCALS STYLE.
(CONTINUED)
104.
CONTINUED:
MIKEY
This is awesome!
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
The Dudes’ car SPEEDS TOWARDS TONY’S CAR, but at the last
second it SWERVES AWAY, BARELY MISSING IT by CAREENING UP
ONTO TWO WHEELS.
INT. JESSE’S CAR - NIGHT
The Second Graders all LEAN OVER as the car DRIVES ALONG ON
TWO WHEELS.
Wheee!
MIKEY
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
As the Dudes’ car SWERVES, it TURNS INTO THE PATH of an
ONCOMING PIZZA DELIVERY VAN.
The VAN is from a place called ‘ROCKET PIZZA DELIVERY’, and
there is a GIANT FAKE ROCKET on top of the van. As the van
SLAMS ON THE BRAKES, the giant rocket COMES LOOSE and SHOOTS
FORWARD, where it-LANDS ON TONY’S CAR, COMPLETELY CRUSHING IT.
Tony checks out the damage to his car. It’s TOTALLY
DESTROYED.
LOUIS
Now that’s what I call irony.
Tony PUNCHES Louis.
LOUIS (CONT’D)
Damn, I’m just making an observation!
EXT. HOTEL JEROME - NIGHT
Cars are parked all around the hotel as GROUPS OF SPRING
BREAKERS continue stream in.
The bus pulls up and CRUSHES a couple of parked cars before
coming to a stop.
Jesse and Chester hurry the Purple Tarantulas out of the bus.
JESSE/CHESTER
(ala navy seals)
Hut hut hut hut hut.
105.
INT. HOTEL JEROME - COURTYARD - NIGHT
The Dudes rush the Purple Tarantulas into the courtyard and
up onto the stage, where they run into the Dudettes.
JESSE
You guys, we owe you an apology. We’re so
sorry about that whole hot tub, hot chick
thing.
CHESTER
Yeah. It’s you guys we really want to be
with.
JACKIE/CHARLOTTE
You’re the best Dudes ever!
Sweet!
JESSE/CHESTER
ROMANTIC MUSIC SWELLS as the couple are ABOUT TO KISS, but
are interrupted.
TEDDY
Will you dadgumming lovebirds quit with
your liplocking? We’ve got us a show to
put on!
EXT. HOTEL JEROME - STAGE - NIGHT
The crowd is getting impatient.
TEDDY
WE WANT THE PURPLE TARANTULAS!
WE WANT THE PURPLE TARANTULAS!
WE WANT THE PURPLE TARANTULAS!
Jesse and Chester step out from behind the curtains.
JESSE
Thanks for being so patient, you guys.
Before the show starts, we just wanted to
thank a couple of very special ladies.
He looks over to the Dudettes, who stand offstage.
CHESTER
Without them, none of this would have
been possible.
JESSE
And they’re also really hot.
(CONTINUED)
106.
CONTINUED:
CHESTER
And now, it’s our pleasure to present...
JESSE/CHESTER
THE PURPLE TARANTULAS!
The curtains part to reveal The Purple Tarantulas, who about
to ROCK THE HOUSE, when-There is a loud HEAVY EQUIPMENT HORN HONKING SOUND. Everyone
turns to see-Bernard and Tina standing at the entrance to the hotel, with
a BULLDOZER next to them, and a fleet of more bulldozers
behind them.
Bernard checks his watch: the hands tick towards MIDNIGHT.
BERNARD
Three minutes till midnight.
Jesse, Chester, Jackie, and Charlotte rush over to Bernard.
JESSE
Not so fast, dumb guy. We raised your 25
thousand dollars.
BERNARD
(stunned)
What?
CHESTER
That’s right. So prepare to back that big
ugly thing out of here. Along with the
bulldozer she’s sitting on.
Tina GLARES at the Dudes.
BERNARD
I can’t believe you got 25 thousand
dollars out of this rag-tag bunch of
teenagers. I knew I should have had you
all killed.
TINA
(cracking knuckles)
There’s still time for that.
JESSE
Ladies? Let’s have the money.
JACKIE
Hand it over, Charlotte.
(CONTINUED)
107.
CONTINUED: (2)
CHARLOTTE
Me? I thought you were going to collect
the money.
JACKIE
Me? I thought you were going to collect
the money.
CHARLOTTE
You were supposed to collect the money.
JACKIE
You were supposed to collect the money.
The Dudettes start to WRESTLE.
BERNARD
So you didn’t raise the money after all?
That means I win. I win!
JESSE
Not so fast. We still have Plan B.
Plan B?
CHESTER
JESSE
That’s right.
(then)
Does anyone have 25 thousand dollars we
can borrow?
The crowd is silent. Then-Lawrence and Mr. Giggles appear.
MR. GIGGLES
We do. (CRAZY GIGGLE)
Really?
JESSE
LAWRENCE
You guys have been so nice to me and Mr.
Giggles. We’d love to help you out.
CHESTER
Where are you going to get that kind of
money?
LAWRENCE
We’ve been saving up from all the
vaudeville shows we’ve done.
(CONTINUED)
108.
CONTINUED: (3)
Lawrence UNSCREW’S MR. GIGGLE’S HEAD and PULLS OUT A GIANT
STACK OF CASH.
Sweet!
JESSE/CHESTER
MR. GIGGLES
No wonder my tummy hurt. (CRAZY GIGGLE,
THEN BURP, THEN ANOTHER CRAZY GIGGLE)
LAWRENCE
Actually, there’s only twenty four
thousand, eight hundred and fifty dollars
here.
BERNARD
So you’re one hundred and fifty dollars
short. Ha!
Officer Jack and Dennis appear.
OFFICER JACK
We’ve got one hundred and fifty dollars
for you.
Officer Jack hands Jesse some money.
JESSE
But this is the money from the tickets
you wrote us.
OFFICER JACK
I have to say, I stayed here when I was a
kid, and I think you’ve shown real
determination in trying to save this old
place.
Sweet!
JESSE/CHESTER
Jesse is about to give the money to Bernard when-Tony and his Gang appear. Tony GRABS the cash from Jesse.
LOUIS SEES OFFICER JACK AND DENNIS BEHIND THEM, BUT TONY
DOESN’T.
TONY
Not so fast. I’m confiscating this as a
down payment on me kicking all your
asses.
Louis tries to point out Officer Jack and Dennis to Tony.
(CONTINUED)
109.
CONTINUED: (4)
LOUIS
Uh, Tony...
TONY
Just a sec, Louis. First let me tell
these punks what I’m going to do with the
money I just stole from them.
LOUIS
Actually...
TONY
Quit interrupting while I threaten these
two with some serious assault and
battery.
LOUIS
(motioning towards Officer Jack
and Dennis)
I don’t know if that’s a good idea.
Tony turns to see Officer Jack and Dennis.
DENNIS
You guys are definitely under arrest.
TONY
What for? I haven’t kicked anyone’s ass
yet.
OFFICER JACK
That’s true, you haven’t. But we could
arrest you for...
He thinks for a moment, and then looks to Dennis.
DENNIS
(thinking)
For...
JESSE
For aggravated wearing of heinous mesh
tank tops?
Good one!
OFFICER JACK
Officer Jack slaps a HANDCUFF onto Tony’s arm as Dennis
HANDCUFFS the rest of the gang together.
OFFICER JACK (CONT'D)
(to Jesse)
Have you ever thought about joining the
force?
(CONTINUED)
110.
CONTINUED: (5)
Yeah.
(then)
Nah.
JESSE
LOUIS
Let’s run for it!
Tony, Louis, and the Gang RUN OFF, right past a LIGHT POLE.
Since they are all HANDCUFFED TOGETHER, as they run past they
get CAUGHT on the pole, and the people on the ends swing
around and RUN INTO EACH OTHER.
Jesse hands the money to Bernard, who is looking at Tina’s
watch.
BERNARD
Five, four, three, two-JESSE
Now here’s your money, sucker.
CHESTER
(to band)
Hit it, guys!
The Purple Tarantulas start to PLAY. All the kids DANCE and
HAVE FUN.
Officer Jack and Dennis dance, as Tony, Louis, and the Gang
sit behind them, handcuffed.
Teddy is playing DJ, cutting it up on the turntables, with
the two Fantasy Girls, now with BLACK EYES, draped all over
him.
TEDDY
This is the best Spring Break this hotel
has ever seen!
Lawrence and Mr. Giggles SURF THE CROWD.
MR. GIGGLES
Watch where you put your hands! (CRAZY
GIGGLE)
The Dudes stand with the Dudettes, taking in the scene.
CHESTER
Well, we did it, dude. We saved the
hotel.
(CONTINUED)
111.
CONTINUED: (6)
JESSE
Yeah, but something feels unfinished.
(realizes something)
Seriously dude, where’s my car?
Just then JESSE’S CAR comes FLYING THROUGH THE AIR and LANDS
IN THE POOL.
Mikey and the rest of the Second Grade Surfers get out and
dance on top of the car as the band continues to play.
MIKEY
Driving is fun!
Bernard sees Tina GRINDING ON Teddy by the DJ stand.
TINA
You’re such a good dancer.
TEDDY
Lady, I put the ‘Jitter’ in Jitterbug!
BERNARD
Well, at least I still have my dignity.
Just then, from out of nowhere, the OCTOPUS FLIES IN and
LANDS ON BERNARD’S FACE. He SCREAMS and FALLS OUT OF FRAME.
Shibby.
JESSE/CHESTER/JACKIE/CHARLOTTE
They kiss.
FADE OUT.
FADE IN:
EXT. HOTEL JEROME - DAY
Outside the hotel, we see a new CARDBOARD SIGN has been
placed over the old ‘Hotel Jerome’ sign. The new sign says:
‘Hotel Shibby’, and underneath it says in smaller writing: ‘A
Place to Chill’.
INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY
The door opens, and Brad walks in. He is wearing a NECK
BRACE, has his arm in a CAST, and seems EXHAUSTED. He looks
through the window and admires the view of the ocean.
BRAD
Ah, this is nice. A little rest and
relaxation. Just what the neurosurgeon
ordered.
(CONTINUED)
112.
CONTINUED:
He GIGGLES crazily, then picks up the room service menu.
BRAD (CONT’D)
Let’s see, I could use a little snack.
He picks up the phone and pushes a button.
BRAD (CONT’D)
Hello, room service? Yes, I’m staying in
the dude suite. I’d like to order a
hamburger and some fries, please.
And then?
JESSE (OS)
Brad instantly goes RIGID and BUG-EYED for a moment, then
SCREAMS maniacally, drops the phone, runs RIGHT THROUGH the
nearest WALL, and off into the night, leaving an EXACT BODY
CUTOUT in the wall.
EXT. HOTEL JEROME - POOL AREA - CONTINUOUS
Jesse and Chester are lounging by the pool, along with Jackie
and Charlotte. The Dudes now have ELVIS SIDEBURNS, and are
drinking tropical drinks and relaxing, looking just like the
people they were watching on the Travel Channel at the start
of the movie.
Jesse leans over and hangs up the PHONE. He and Chester
TOAST.
Shibby!
JESSE/CHESTER
THE END