Creating Your Own Ceremony
Unique Ways To Celebrate Your Special Day
Contents
Creating your own Vows ......................................................................................... 3
Celebrations of Life at Matara ................................................................................ 3
Getting Married ....................................................................................................... 4
Making meaningful commitments you are prepared to live by ................................ 5
Where to Start ........................................................................................................ 5
Issues to Discuss .................................................................................................... 5
Responsibilities ....................................................................................................... 6
Priorities .................................................................................................................. 6
Nurturing................................................................................................................. 6
Fidelity .................................................................................................................... 7
Wording Considerations .......................................................................................... 8
Being True To Yourself ........................................................................................... 9
What You Can Do .................................................................................................... 9
Personal Ceremonies at Matara ............................................................................. 10
A Ceremony which took place in the Cloistered Courtyard ................................... 10
A Bride and Groom‟s Promises to Each Other ....................................................... 13
A Ceremony which took place at the Spiral .......................................................... 14
A Ceremony in Matara‟s Woodlands by the Wishing Tree ..................................... 17
A Ceremony in the Hilarium, as part of the Civil Ceremony .................................. 19
Authentic Celebrations ......................................................................................... 21
A Traditional Handfasting ..................................................................................... 23
Honouring the Four Elements ................................................................................ 24
Seasonal Celebrations ........................................................................................... 27
Wishing Tree Ceremony ........................................................................................ 29
Principles for your Journey together ..................................................................... 31
Appendix 1 - What does a Wedding Blessing contain? ........................................... 32
Appendix 2 - Blessings and Quotes ....................................................................... 35
Appendix 3 - Buddhism ......................................................................................... 38
Creating your own Vows
Celebrations are a wonderful way of reconnecting and giving you a source of inspiration as
you meet the many challenges of life.
Many people adopt traditional vows, whether through the church or a civil ceremony,
merely because they believe that is what they should do; often not too much thought has
been given to the words spoken and their meanings, how the couple are going to live by
those vows in their relationship together, and how they might act as cornerstone to help
them through the peaks and troughs of every relationship.
Civil ceremonies have recently become more liberal, allowing couples the opportunity to
create their own very personal ceremony after their legal marriage. At Matara, we have
experience of helping couples create vows that personal and meaningful to them, with
more choice in the words they say, perhaps better reflecting the life they wish to lead
together. A video of a civil ceremony is available on our website www.matara.co.uk.
We can help you create your own individual ceremonies expressing who you are, what you
care about, what brings you joy and the life you wish to share together.
The word “wed”, in Anglo-Saxon, simply means "vow" When you pull away all the frills, at
the heart of the wedding is the wedding is the public exchange of vows between two
people who intend to build a life together.
The vows are the very essence of the marriage; it makes sense for a couple to consider
their vows more carefully than any other aspect of the wedding ceremony. When your
wedding ceremony reflects your values you will be inspired by a deeper understanding of
your love and your commitments to each other.
Celebrations of Life at Matara
We continue to explore ways of engaging all your guests through our labyrinth, wishing
tree, tree dedications and alternative rituals which can help you can live and grow. You
can invite your guests to bring flowers, or contribute favourite music, poems, quotations,
and share memories and dreams. Readings can be made throughout the day of your
wedding, with music to change the pace and flow from one event to the other.
Getting Married
You can marry either in a registry office, church or licensed venue. The civil ceremony
can be simple and follow the order below:

Welcome

Vows, where you commit to be husband and wife in front of witnesses.

Exchange of Rings, if rings are exchanged. Rings can be exchanged during a personal
blessing and does not have to be part of the civil ceremony.
You can add to the above readings, music, ring vows and giving away of the bride, within
the civil ceremony.
Before you begin, there are a few rules to take into consideration:
Legally, a civil ceremony cannot contain vows, readings or music that has any religious
references.
You‟ll also need to include the statutory declarations. That is to: Solemnly declare that I
know not of any lawful impediment why I, [name], may not be joined in matrimony to
[name]. However, apart from this, and calling upon those present to witness your vows,
you can customise your ceremony.
Always check any readings or vows with your registrar in advance. Ideally, give them a
typed copy of your vows/readings and a list of your chosen music a fortnight before your
marriage.
Making meaningful commitments you are prepared to live by
Too many say the vows because they are part of wedding ceremony printed in a book.
The vows are read out by a celebrant and repeated by the bride and groom. The couple
often didn't take the time before the wedding to carefully consider the implications of
these vows. They didn't read the vows critically and offer suggestions like, "this
sentence is very vague, perhaps we should change the wording to make the meaning
clearer." More importantly, they didn't discuss things like, "When you vow to love me
forever, what will that mean to you?” It is all too easy to simply assume that the
standard wedding ceremony used by the religious organisation to which they belonged
would be right for them.
Perhaps the answer lies in the fact that, for hundreds of years, mainstream Christian
culture has maintained that a couple has no choice over the words used in their wedding
vows - that's left to the church.
No matter what kind of wedding ceremony they have, the bride and groom are morally
obligated not to make any vows which they have reason to doubt they can keep, and to
strive to keep the vows they have made. Unlike those who get married in an established
church service, couples who opt for a civil wedding have complete creative freedom when
it comes to their vows. With this freedom comes the responsibility to ponder the
possible meanings and implications of any vows they might wish to take to each other.
This is not a matter of quibbling over legalities, but rather one of determining what the
marriage will mean to the prospective partners and what each can expect from the other.
Where to Start
One way to begin planning wedding vows is for each partner to make a list of the
elements they associate with their marriage. These may be general or specific, romantic
or practical. The couple can then compare their lists, identify the elements that are most
important to them both, and try to fit more specific items into a few general categories.
The resulting list of things both partners want from their marriage can be used as a basis
for writing vows.
The partners may also find it useful to collect some printed marriage ceremonies from
various sources. They should read through the vows with a critical eye. "What exactly
does this phrase mean to me?", "Is it something I am certain I can do for the length of
the marriage?", "Is it something I feel strongly about?” It may be that some parts of the
vows in a printed ceremony eloquently state exactly what the couple wanted to pledge to
each other, but other phrases in the same ceremony are irrelevant to their particular
situation. When reviewing "standard vows" the couple should keep in mind that there
may be things they wish to pledge to each other that never occurred to the author of the
ritual.
Issues to Discuss
There are an overwhelming number of topics that a couple should contemplate together
before making a formal commitment to each other. No doubt, some will be overlooked in
the planning stages and the partners will later have to “wing it” as each new issue comes
up. The flexibility to accommodate and change is certainly just as important to a
successful marriage as any of the preliminary considerations. That said, here are some
suggestions for some topics that most couples will want to consider covering in their
vows:
Responsibilities
Will both partners contribute equally to running the household?
Are there certain tasks that will be designated to one partner or another?
How will income be shared or distributed?
If children are involved, will one partner take on more responsibility for child care?
A couple may want to include references to specific domestic or economic duties in their
vows, or they may each wish to make a general vow to take on their fair share of
responsibilities.
Priorities
Are both partners willing to put the demands of the marriage before the demands of their
careers?
If there is a conflict of interest between the needs of ones partner and the needs of ones
children, parents, or close friends, will the partner always come first?
Do one or both partners need time or space to themselves on occasion?
Is there a minimum amount of "quality time" the partners wish to devote to each other
each week?
Couples who feel that their marriage should be the most important relationship in their
lives may wish to take a vow to this effect.
Nurturing
The phrase "love, honour and cherish" has been repeated at so many weddings that it has
become cliché.
Most couples are perfectly happy to declare that they will love, honour and cherish each
other, but few discuss exactly how they intend to accomplish this in practical terms.
Does love involve making sacrifices of time and effort to ensure the well-being of one's
partner?
Does it involve striving to break down any emotional barriers that arise between you?
Does it require total honesty?
Does honouring ones partner mean always speaking well of them in public? Always
respecting their opinions and choices? Standing by them through tough situations?
Does cherishing mean telling your partner you love them on a daily basis? Does it involve
frequent compliments or surprise gifts?
Instead of resorting to the old cliché, couples may wish to decide what it means to them
to love, honour and cherish each other and phrase their vows accordingly.
Fidelity
Many couples who are planning to marry assume that sexual fidelity is part of the bargain,
not something that needs to be specifically addressed. However, with the percentage of
men who have had extramarital affairs cited as high as 70% (depending on which study
you read) and the percentage of women who have extramarital affairs rising ever higher,
this is a case where the old adage "assume makes an ass out of you and me" applies.
Fidelity is an issue which a couple should definitely discuss before the wedding. If the
partnership is going to be some form of "open marriage" then both partners need to
understand exactly what this means and where the boundaries are. If sexual exclusivity is
something that both partners want and feel they can swear to in good faith, then they
should consider specifically including a vow of fidelity in their wedding ceremony.
Wording Considerations
Once the couple has decided what they want to vow, they need to decide on the best
way to say it. In most types of weddings/handfastings, the vows are meant to be public
oaths sworn before friends and kin. Therefore, they should be phrased in such a way that
they can be understood by all concerned. When considering various forms of wording,
the sincerity of the vows should outweigh all other factors. A statement which "sounds
better" should never be preferred over a statement which better expresses ones true
intentions. However, there are better and worse ways to convey the same meaning.
Here are some general guidelines:
Actions not feelings
You can only pledge something you have control over. Try to phrase all your vows in
terms of things you actively intend to do.
Positive rather than negative
The list of things that you should not do if you want to stay in a healthy marriage is
infinite. It‟s best to phrase things in terms of what you will do.
Avoid Ambiguity
Make vague or ambiguous words or phrases more specific, or at least be sure you and
your partner agree on their meaning before the ceremony!
Brevity is the Soul of Wit
Your wedding vows aren't the forum for listing all fifty reasons why your beloved is the
most wonderful person in the world (that can be done in a separate part of the wedding
ceremony if you wish). Nor are they meant to substitute for a prenuptial agreement
which will "stand up in court". The vows as spoken at the wedding should clearly state a
list of things you pledge to do.
Being True To Yourself
When what you think, feel and believe is not being reflected in your words and actions, it
can begin to chip away at you. Going along with a service that does not reflect your
values and meaning in the world, feeling obliged to invite certain guests, to something
more integral like having a church service instead of a civil one (or vice versa) or spending
way, way more money that you feel comfortable with, the effects of not being true to
yourself can cause a negative feeling that sits in your body making you feel cross and
stressed.
This raises issues of integrity. Why, you may ask yourself, are you not strong, courageous
or honest enough to say anything? It may cause you to feel disappointed in yourself and
you may well take this out on others.
When you aren‟t tuned in and self aware, once again the blame will be put on the
demands of wedding planning or on the behaviour of others when all the time, it is
because you own actions are making you feel bad.
What You Can Do
Listen to yourself. Hear the voice inside speaking your truth and find the courage to act
on it. We all have that voice; for some people it is clearer and louder than others.
Sometimes it is our conscience and sometimes it is our intuition.
Imagine yourself doing it and how you will feel when you have done it. You may decide
that you don‟t feel as strongly about it as you first thought.
The more you listen to your inner voice the clearer it becomes and the easier it becomes
to respond to it.
The more you are true to yourself, not just now but throughout your life, the happier and
freer you will feel. Now is a great time to start.
Personal Ceremonies at Matara
Here are some examples of very personal ceremonies at Matara created by the couples
concerned to give you an idea of the vows you might wish to create. We can help you
develop a ceremony which is unique to your lives:
A Ceremony which took place in the Cloistered Courtyard
Bride‟s heartfelt vows
What our relationship means to me
Many people spend their whole lives searching for their soul mate, their one true love. I,
too, was searching, both in my waking hours and in my dreams. I always thought that life
could be so wonderful with the right person. I am happy to count myself among the lucky
ones, because I have found you, my twin flame, my Mr. Right, and life is ...wonderful.
When we met it was instant recognition. My heart and soul already knew you and felt
secure with you, so just five months later it was no surprise that we were sharing a home
together with our three wonderful daughters.
That was six years ago now, and the feelings I have for you still continue to grow deeper
and stronger every day.
The days since I met you have been the best days of my life.
When you hold me you make me feel so safe, so happy, so loved. All my troubles just
melt away.
When you say “I Love You”, it touches me in a way no other words ever have or ever will
touch me again.
You love me for what I am, for all my faults and failings. Since being with you I can be
myself, I can be me. Whether that is moody, stressful, or tearful, you still love me.
I love the way we do everything together, whether that is cleaning, cooking, dealing with
the girls, relaxing. We laugh so much together. Our relationship is so effortless, so easy.
You really do take care of me, like no one ever has before.
You have always been there to support me through the tough times and I know there‟s
nothing we can‟t work through together.
You are the one who has given me hope of a future full of happiness and sharing, and has
brought the certainty that, with you by my side, my life will be full of love, caring,
happiness, purpose and joy, for always.
Without you my heart would be broken, my soul empty, my being incomplete.
You are my world.
You are my best friend, and I cannot think of anything better than spending the rest of
my life with you.
Promises
I promise I will always be at your side, through good and bad, and give you everything
that is in my power to make sure you remain healthy and happy.
I promise to love you when life seems easy and when it seems hard.
I promise to talk often and to listen, to trust and appreciate you, to respect and to
cherish you.
I promise to share my hopes, my thoughts and my dreams with you.
I will be your shelter when life rains on you, your rock when you get weary, your shield
when you need defence, your spirit when you are drained, your pillow when you need rest,
your comfort when you feel pain, your sunshine when darkness falls.
I love you with all that I am and all I will ever be.
When we are in the twilight of our years, I promise to care for you and to still love you
with the same deep adoration that I feel today.
I promise I will love you for all the days of my earthly life and all my days in the next life.
My love for you is endless, ageless.
As I have given you my hand, so I give you my life, heart, body and soul to keep safely for
all eternity.
I give you this ring as a symbol of my love and commitment to you. Wear it with love and
as a sign of all we have promised and done this day.
Groom‟s Vows
What our relationship means to me
The day we first met will be a memory sealed with the feeling of happiness and for the
first time in a long while, a feeling of hope for the future.
I realise that on that day I only spoke about skiing, but something clicked between us, a
spark, that would smoulder for a while before igniting into a truly magnificent flame. I
remember your smile as I left that day; it gave me a warm feeling that had been missing
in my heart for so long. I realise my inability to cope with a relationship in our early
months put you through a very difficult time, but I intend to make up for that for the rest
of our lives.
My memories of our years together so far fill me with happiness, and I always wake up
next to you looking forward to our next day, and with a feeling of gratefulness for the
days we have had. Never have I felt so complete as I do with you, twin souls that share
the same tastes in music, films, and food.
When I look at you I only see beauty; I love your smile, your laughter, and your generous
nature, but most of all, I love you. Because of you, I laugh, I smile, and I dare to dream
again.
My dream, of course, is to grown old alongside you, retiring to a cottage and spending our
days like each day is our last, after all, you are my love, my beauty, and my best friend.
Here are my promises to you
Your beauty, heart, and mind inspire me to be the best person I can be, so keeping these
promises will not be difficult.
I promise to be there when you need me, to fill your days with sunshine, to comfort you
and encourage you.
I promise to share in your dreams, and support you in every direction that life will take
you. I will listen to you with compassion and appreciation, and speak to you with
encouragement; never will negativity be a part of our relationship.
I promise that when you fall, I will catch you; when you cry, I will comfort you; when you
laugh, I will share your joy, and encourage more laughter as this is when you are at your
most beautiful.
I promise to love you for eternity, respect you, honour you, be faithful to you, and share
my life with you in a manner that can only bring us closer.
I promise to be understanding when you most need understanding, and continue to tell
you how beautiful you are and how lucky I am every day.
Finally, I promise to be your best friend, everlasting, and to love you all my life with all my
heart, and to make you feel as beautiful as the woman I see before me.
I give you this ring as a symbol of my love and commitment to you. Wear it with love and
as a sign of all we have promised and done this day.
A Bride and Groom‟s Promises to Each Other
Bride‟s Promise
[Groom] we made a private commitment to each other a long time ago and our [xx] years
together bear witness to this.
Today we are publicly affirming and celebrating that commitment, surrounded by our
family and friends.
We already know that we can stand side by side „for better or worse, for richer or poorer,
in sickness and in health‟.
We already know that „our roots have so entwined that it is inconceivable that we should
ever part‟. You are my best friend, the start and end of my every journey, my rock, my
home.
I promise to respect and cherish you as the wonderful and unique individual you are, to be
loyal to you always and, above all and to love you as my husband and friend.
I add my breath to your breath …
That we may be committed to our own and each other‟s growing; that we may finish our
roads together.
Groom‟s Promise
[Bride], since we met, you have been my best friend and have always shown me that you
love me; thank you!
After [xx] years together, I know that I love you and want to spend the rest of my life
with you.
I promise to be your friend and to support and comfort you no matter what and that I will
be a loyal and honest partner.
But most of all, thank you for being you.
A Ceremony which took place at the Spiral
A Buddhist blessing
Today we promise to dedicate ourselves completely to each other, with body, word, and
mind.
In this life, in every situation, in wealth or poverty, in health or sickness, in happiness or
difficulty, we will work to help each other perfectly.
The purpose of our relationship will be to attain enlightenment by perfecting our kindness
and compassion toward all sentient beings.
Vows
[Name] and [Name] are happy today not only because they can share the joy of their
love for each other with friends and family, but also because they have the opportunity to
express their aspirations for the future.
[Name] and [Name], do you pledge to help each other to develop your hearts and minds,
cultivating compassion, generosity, ethics, patience, enthusiasm, concentration and
wisdom as you age and undergo the various ups and downs of life and to transform them
into the path of love, compassion, joy and equanimity?
“We do”
Recognizing that the external conditions in life will not always be smooth and that
internally your own minds and emotions will sometimes get stuck in negativity, do you
pledge to see all these circumstances as a challenge to help you grow, to open your
hearts, to accept yourselves, and each other, and to generate compassion for others who
are suffering? Do you pledge to avoid becoming narrow, closed or opinionated, and to
help each other to see various sides of situations?
“We do”
Understanding that just as we are a mystery to ourselves, each other person is also a
mystery to us; do you pledge to seek to understand yourselves, each other, and all living
beings, to examine your own minds continually and to regard all the mysteries of life with
curiosity and joy?
“We do”
Do you pledge to preserve and enrich your affection for each other, and to share it with
all beings? To take the loving feelings you have for one another and your vision of each
other's potential and inner beauty as an example and rather than spiraling inwards and
becoming self absorbed, to radiate this love outwards to all beings?
“We do”
When it comes time to part, do you pledge to look back at your time together with joy joy that you met and shared what you have, and acceptance that we cannot hold on to
anything forever?
“We do”
Do you pledge to remember the disadvantages of ignorance, anger and clinging
attachment, to apply antidotes when these arise in your minds, and to remember the
kindness of all other beings and your connection to them? Do you pledge to work for the
welfare of others, with all of your compassion, wisdom and skill?
“We do”
Do you pledge to work to develop the wisdom, understanding the relative functioning
nature of things and the wisdom knowing their deeper way of existence that they are
empty of inherent existence?
“We do”
Do you pledge day to day, to be patient with yourselves and others, knowing that change
comes slowly and gradually, and to seek inspiration from your teachers not to become
discouraged?
“We do”
Do you pledge to continuously strive to remember your own Buddha nature, as well as the
Buddha nature of all living beings? To maintain the awareness that all things are
temporary, and to remain optimistic that you can achieve your greatest potential and
lasting happiness?
“We do”
Exchange of Rings
“The wedding ring is the outward and visible sign of an inward and spiritual bond which
unites two loyal hearts in partnership.”
Pronouncement
“By the power vested in me through the wishes of [Name] and [Name], as well as the
blessing of the lineage of their Spiritual Friends, I now pronounce you Husband and Wife.”
Presenting and Congratulating the Couple
A Ceremony in Matara‟s Woodlands by the Wishing Tree
Vows to Live By
Today, you promise to dedicate yourselves completely to each other in body, speech and
mind.
In this life, you vow to work to help each other perfectly.
The purpose of your relationship will be to grow - as individuals and together - by
perfecting your kindness and compassion towards all Beings.
[Name] and [Name] , do you pledge to help each other to develop your hearts and minds,
cultivating compassion, generosity, ethics, patience and wisdom as you undergo the
various ups and downs of life, and to transform them into the path of love, compassion,
joy and equanimity?
“We do”
Recognising that the external conditions in life will not always be smooth, and that
internally your own minds and emotions will sometimes get stuck in negativity, do you
pledge to see all these circumstances as a challenge to help you grow, to open your
hearts, to accept yourselves, and each other?
“We do”
Understand that, just as we are a mystery to ourselves, each person is also a mystery to
us.
Do you pledge to seek to understand yourselves, each other, and all living beings, to
examine your own minds continually and to regard all the mysteries of life with curiosity
and joy?
“We do”
When it comes to time to part, do you pledge to look back at your time together with joy
- joy that you met and shared what you have - and acceptance that we cannot hold onto
anything forever?
“We do”
Do you pledge day to day, to try to be patient with yourselves and others, knowing that
change comes slowly and gradually, and to seek inspiration from others not to become
discouraged?
“We do”
Do you pledge to work for the welfare of others, with all of your compassion, wisdom and
skill?
“We do”
Do you pledge to preserve and enrich your affection for each other, and to share it with
all Beings? To take the loving feelings you have for one another and your vision of each
other potential and inner beauty as an example, and to radiate this love outwards to all
Beings?
“We do”
Today you promise to dedicate yourselves completely to each other with body, speech
and mind.
In this life, you vow to work to help each other perfectly.
Now there will be no loneliness, for each of you will be companion to the other.
Now you are two persons, but there is only one life before you.
May beauty surround you both in the journey ahead and through all the years.
May happiness be your companion and your days be good and long upon the earth.
Treat yourselves and each other with respect, and remind yourselves often of what
brought you together.
Give the highest priority to the tenderness, gentleness and kindness that your connection
deserves.
When frustration, difficulties and fear assail your relationship, as they threaten all
relationships at one time or another, remember to focus on what is right between you,
not only the part which seems wrong.
In this way, you can ride out the storms when clouds hide the face of the sun in your lives
– remembering that even if you lose sight of it for a moment, the sun is still there.
And if each of you takes responsibility for the quality of your life together, it will be
marked by abundance and delight.
A Ceremony in the Hilarium, as part of the Civil Ceremony
Rose Ceremony
The Groom, as he hands his bride a long stemmed white rose will say:
You take this rose as a symbol of my love. It began as a tiny bud and blossomed, just as
my love has grown and blossomed for you.
The Bride, as she places the rose into a bud vase filled with water will say:
I take this rose, a symbol of your love, and a place it into water, a symbol of life. For, just
as the rose cannot survive without water, I cannot survive without love.
Groom: In remembrance of this day, I will give you a white rose each year on our
anniversary as a reaffirmation of my love and the vows spoken here today.
Bride: And I will refill the vase with water each year, ready to receive the gift, in
reaffirmation of the new life you have given me and the vows spoken here today.
Groom: (as Groom and Bride joins hands around the rose-filled vase):
And so this rose will be a symbolic memory of my commitment to you; I vow to be a
faithful husband to you, to comfort you, honour you, and respect you and cherish you for
as long as I love you.
Bride: (As they continue to hold the vase together)
And I commit myself to you, to be faithful, to comfort you, honour you, respect you and
cherish you for as long as our love lasts.
Celebrant: You now have what remains the most honourable title which may exist
between a man and a woman - the title of "husband" and "wife." For your first gift as
husband and wife, that gift will be a single rose.
In the past, the rose was considered a symbol of love and a single rose always meant only
one thing - it meant the words "I love you." So it is appropriate that for your first gift as husband and wife - that gift would be a single rose.
Please exchange your first gift as husband and wife. In some ways it seems like you have
not done anything at all. Just a moment ago you were holding one small rose - and now
you are holding one small rose. In some ways, a marriage ceremony is like this. In some
ways, tomorrow is going to seem no different than yesterday. But in fact today, just
now, you both have given and received one of the most valuable and precious gifts of life
- one I hope you always remember - the gift of true and abiding love within the devotion
of marriage.
I would ask that where ever you make your home in the future - whether it be a large and
elegant home - or a small and graceful one - that you both pick one very special location
for roses; so that on each anniversary of this truly wonderful occasion you both may take
a rose to that spot both as a recommitment to your marriage - and a recommitment that
THIS will be a marriage based upon love.
Authentic Celebrations
Here is a selection of alternative ceremonies from which you are free to choose sections
that represent your values and beliefs to create a unique ceremony that resonates with
your heart:
Spiritual Commitment: Celebrant: [Name] & [Name] believe that their commitment to
each other goes beyond any legal ceremony and so today they pledge their spiritual
commitment to each other. They believe that this spiritual union is based on mutual love,
trust and respect for each other. This ceremony is a validation in their hearts of the love
they share for each other
Reading: Celebrant: We now come to the central part of the ceremony when [Name] &
[Name] express their commitment to each other.
Where they promise to love each other with their hearts, minds and souls, to be each
other‟s best friend and do everything in their power to make each other happy as they
are today, to trust each other with their dreams and support each other to fulfil them. In
sickness and in health, in failure and in triumph, to cherish and respect each other,
comfort and encourage each other as long as you both shall live. Before you lies an open
road filled with adventure and life, and you choose to spend today and all your tomorrows
with each other as friends and lovers ...
Do you promise to be faithful, supportive and loyal and to give [Name] your
companionship and love throughout all your life and to try your best to understand
[his/her] needs, feelings and wishes and to accept [him/her] for who [he/she] is?
I do
[Name], do you promise to be faithful, supportive and loyal and to give [Name] your
companionship and love throughout all your life and to try your best to understand
[his/her] needs, feelings and wishes and to accept [him/her] for who [he/she] is?
I do
[Name] & [Name], would you join hands and repeat these words:I call upon our friends and family to witness that I, [Name] take [Name] to be my
[husband/wife] and spiritual partner.
I call upon our friends and family to witness that I, [Name] take [Name] to be my husband
and spiritual partner.
Reading & Song
Ring Exchange
Celebrant: We now come to the exchange of rings, the final part of the ceremony.
May I ask you all to stand?
The circle is the symbol of the sun, earth and the universe. It is a symbol of wholeness,
peace and eternity. In the form of a ring it stands as a symbol for your love for each
other, looking both inwards and outwards and unbroken circle symbolizing unending love.
Celebrant: [Name] would you place the ring on [Name]‟s finger and repeat after me:
I give you this ring as a symbol of my lifelong commitment to you. As this ring surrounds
your finger so my love surrounds you. Wear it and think of me and know that I will love
you eternally.
Celebrant: [Name], would you place the ring on [Name]‟s finger and repeat after me:
I give you this ring as a symbol of my lifelong commitment to you. As this ring surrounds
your finger, so my love surrounds you. Wear it and think of me and know that I will love
you eternally.
Celebrant: [Name] & [Name] you have freely consented to join your lives. May joy and
peace surround you, contentment latch your door and happiness be with you now and
bless you evermore. May your troubles be less and your blessings be more, and nothing
but happiness come through your door. May you be blessed with the strength of heaven,
the light of the sun and the radiance of the moon, the splendour of fire, the speed of
lightening, the swiftness of wind, the depth of sea, the stability of earth and the firmness
of rock.
[Name] & [Name], you have pledged yourselves to each other by exchanging rings and
the presence of friends and family here today I pronounce you husband and wife, friends
and lovers and spiritual partners for life.
A Traditional Handfasting
A hand fasting is a wedding or magical joining of two people without religious or state
intervention. Handfasting at one time was the only way that couples could be engaged
and/or married because the church let the civil government take care of these matters.
The very word “handfasting” has its origin in the wedding custom of tying the bride and
groom‟s wrists together for the ceremony.
Phrases you may have heard like “tying the knot” and “jumping the broomstick” originate
from handfasting. A handfasting has the most important elements; commitment to each
other and spiritual path together, love and laughter, hope and joy, and an opportunity to
be thankful for the energy, love and all the wonderful people in our lives.
One custom is that, while facing each other, the couple places their right hands together
and then their left hands together to form infinity symbol while a cord is tied around their
hands or wrist in a knot.
Honouring the Four Elements
The bride and groom come into the sacred space. Together they face outwards to the
East and the person who leads the ceremony invokes the spirits of the four quarters to
bless the couple:
In the element of air I present [Names] and ask for blessings upon them on this joyous
day of their wedding, that they may gain clarity of vision, be blessed with communication,
intellectual growth, and wisdom towards one another, always communicating their
thoughts and desires honestly and finding lasting adventure in each other.
The couple is given a gift symbolizing the air – perhaps a nice feather – and then they
turn to the North:
In the element of the earth I present [Names] and ask the blessing of a stable home,
financial security, good health and patience with one another. May you be blessed with
tenderness, happiness, compassion, and sensuality.
The gift here may be a lovely pebble or stone, particularly one with a hole in it known as a
„hag stone‟ to protect them.
The couple turns to the south and the leader of the ceremony invokes again:
In the element of fire, I present [Names] that their passions may burn long, that they may
be creative towards one another and sustain the will to keep their bond of marriage loyal
and true. Be blessed with harmony, vitality, creativity and passion.
The gift handed to each partner here may be a candle or a recording of some
appropriately passionate music. Finally the couple turns to the west.
In the element of water I present [Names] that their love last, may their dreams be
fulfilled and many good things flow to them. May they be blessed with friendship,
intuition, caring, understanding, and love.
Some appropriate gifts associated with water might be a lovely sea shell, a goblet or glass
bowl with pebbles. These gifts can cost nothing or very little. The important thing is that
they will be kept in a special place along with photos of the occasion, cards, and
messages from well-wishers.
At the end of the blessing ceremony the couple should toast each other with champagne;
arms entwined as the guest shower them with rose petals:
The rose is a flower of love. Love has its seasons the same as does the earth. In the
spring of love is the discovery of each other, the pulse of the senses, the getting to know
the mind and the heart of the other; a blooming like the buds and flowers of springtime.
In the summer of love comes the strength, the commitment to each other, the most
active part of life, perhaps including the giving of life back to itself though children; the
sharing of joys and sorrows, the learning to b e humans who are each complete and whole
but who can merge each other with the other, as the trees grow green and tall in the heat
of the sun.
In the autumn is the contentment of love that knows the other completely. Passion
remains as well as the ease of companionship. The heart channels love into steady light,
glorious as autumn leaves.
In the winter of love, there is parting and sorrow. But love remains, as do the stark and
bare tree trunks in the snow, ready for the renewal of love in the spring as life and love
begin again.
Now is the time of summer [Names] have gathered before their friends to make a
statement of their commitment to each other, to their love.
Do you now commit to each other to love, honour, respect each other, to communicate
with each other, to look to your own emotional health so that you can relate in a healthy
way, and provide a healthy home for children if you choose to have them, to be a support
and comfort for your partner in times of sickness and health, as long as your love shall
last?
Together they say “We do”.
Then recite the vows you have written for each other.
The couple moves first east, then around the directions. Couple and celebrant moves to
the table where 3 candles have been placed. The celebrant ask each to light a candle,
they do.
These two candles are for you. Each of you is a whole and complete human being [Name
of groom] speaks to us who you are.
[Name of bride] describes herself.
Together, light the third candle, but do not extinguish the first two. For marriage you do
not lose yourself, you add something new, a relationship, the capacity to merge into one
another without losing sight of your individual self; speak to us of who you are as a
couple. [Names] alternate speaking who they are as a couple.
Let us bless the rings
Circles represent eternity and through our lives are infinite; love is everlasting, the
creative force that binds us together, and the force that gives new life.
The blessings of the wind upon these rings and your love, that you share love and
compassion.
The blessings of earth upon these rings and your love, that you share communication and
creativity.
The blessings of fire upon these rings and your love, that you share passion and spirit.
The blessings of water upon these rings, and upon the compassion and love that you
share.
The blessings of earth upon these rings and your love, that you share health and
sexuality.
The bride will then place the rings on the groom‟s finger and repeat after the celebrant:
With this ring I thee wed
The groom will then do the same.
You will then be pronounced married. May you each and together be blessed with health,
happiness, harmony, and love.
Seasonal Celebrations
Celebrations of Spring
The Vernal Equinox is marked on 20th and 21st of March. After the winter the length of
the night is at last reduced to that of the day.
May Day is based on the Celtic fire festival and marks the return of spring. One of the
oldest but also simplest ceremonies is lighting a bonfire. The best known of the May Day
celebrations is dancing around the maypole.
Dancing around the Hawthorn Tree. The hawthorn is the May tree. Each person
attending the May tree brings with them about 20 meters of coloured ribbon. Each
length is then attached to the trunk of the hawthorn, and the celebrants perform the
weaving dance, each holding his or her end of the ribbon. Men turn left and dance
clockwise while women dance in the opposite direction. The idea is to plait the trunk to
symbolize the binding of summer warmth and growth into the tree.
Celebrations of Summer
June 21st is the summer solstice and is the longest day of the year when the sun is at its
zenith. This has long been an occasion to light bonfires after dark in honour of the
burning shining light of the sun. The two elements fire and water feature strongly,
because the solstice is a time for ridding and purifying the old while revitalizing the new.
If you had something that you associated with problems or distress, you could throw it on
the fire.
Revellers in the past used to carry lanterns on poles when they wandered from one
bonfire to another, and they would be accompanied by Morris dancers.
Celebrations of Autumn
The beginning of August should be a glorious time of the year and it marks the gathering
in the harvest.
The Autumn Equinox celebrated between September 20th and 21st marks the safe storage
of the harvest and the beginning of winter. Our ceremony takes place at the end of the
fruitful season. The turning point of the year between summer and winter is a fine time in
nature. English autumn hedgerows are a riot of berries and seeds which could also be
used as a unique centrepiece for your tables.
Our Autumn Equinox ceremony should also take place in the countryside by creating a
sacred circle and bringing a guarded flame to symbolize the departing sun. Each person
brings something from their own garden to leave as an offering
Celebrations of Winter
December 21st celebrates the winter solstice. This is the shortest day of the year where
you celebrate the rebirth of the sun. This is a time of reflection.
One special and time-honoured event associated with the winter solstice is the bringing in
and lighting of the Yule log. A nice idea, again drawn from tradition, is to sprinkle the log
with grain from the harvest and with a little cider – these constitute a small gift of thanks.
The log is kept burning for at least 12 hours and can be kept smouldering for the 12 days
of Christmas.
Wishing Tree Ceremony
Invite everyone to choose a wishing ribbon.
Need to foster a state of stillness, safety, connection.
Ring singing bowl.
Welcome everyone. We have all been invited to share the blessings [Name] and [Name]
wish to bring into their lives together.
Ceremonies bring people together; bring community into our lives, reinstating the vital
need often lost in our present lifestyle.
Ceremonies also bring meaning and understanding into our lives, to empower ourselves
and have the courage to move on through life.
They help us become quiet and reflective in our lives and relationships.
Let‟s take a few moments to be quiet and reflect on our own relationship, and the friends
and family that make up our own communities.
Blessing
The blessing for [Name] and [Name] begins.
I invite you all to participate and reflect on the blessings you may wish to bring to your
own relationships.
[Name] and [Name] are happy today not only because they can share the joy of their
love for each other with friends and family, but also because they have the opportunity to
express their aspirations for the future.
[Name] and [Name], do you pledge to help each other to develop your hearts and minds,
cultivating generosity, patience, enthusiasm, concentration and wisdom as you age and
undergo the various ups and downs of life, and to transform them into the path of love,
compassion and joy?
“We do”
Recognising that the external conditions in life will not always be smooth and that
internally your own minds and emotions will sometimes get stuck in negativity, do you
pledge to see all these circumstances as a challenge to help you grow, to open your
hearts, to accept yourselves, and each other, and to generate compassion for others who
are suffering? Do you pledge to avoid becoming narrow, closed or opinionated, and to
help each other to see various sides of situations?
“We do”
Understanding that, just as we are a mystery to ourselves, each other is also a mystery to
us.
Do you pledge to seek to understand yourselves, each other, and to regard all the
mysteries of life with curiosity and joy?
“We do”
Do you pledge to preserve and enrich your affection for each other, and to share it with
others? To take the loving feelings you have for one another and your vision of each
other‟s potential and inner beauty as an example and, rather than spiralling inwards and
becoming self absorbed, to radiate this love outwards to those around you?
“We do”
Do you pledge to work for the welfare of others, with all of your compassion, wisdom and
skill? Do you pledge day to day to be patient with yourselves and others, knowing that
change comes slowly and gradually?
“We do”
Do you pledge to continuously strive to remain optimistic that you can achieve your
greatest potential and lasting happiness?
“We do”
Closing
Grounding: Imagine yourself as a tree with a strong trunk and branches reaching up to the
sky. Feel your roots reaching deep down into the ground, spreading out in many
directions, anchoring yourself, strong, safe, and held by the earth.
Sound the singing bowl
Tying of Ribbons to the Wishing Tree
Celebrant to say a few words about the act of tying ribbons to the wishing tree.
Friend and family now tie ribbons to the tree, along with a wish for [Name] and [Name]‟s
marriage.
You are now all invited to tie the ribbon to our Wishing Tree.
Principles for your Journey together
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Treat the Earth and all that dwell thereon with respect
Remain close to your Spirit
Show great respect for your fellow beings
Work together for the benefit of all Mankind
Give assistance and kindness wherever needed
Do what you know to be right
Look after the wellbeing of mind and body
Dedicate a share of your efforts to the greater good
Be truthful and honest at all times
Take full responsibility for your actions
Appendix 1 - What does a Wedding Blessing contain?
There are probably no two blessings that will be the same. In almost every case, we will
craft something together that precisely reflects the couple's needs.
The significant difference about alternative ceremonies is that it accommodates
differences (in faith, lifestyle choice, and previous circumstances) and still recognizes and
draws on the divine in the relationship.
You can include favourite verses, appropriate songs and chants, words that mean
something to you. You may have a small intimate gathering or a massive public event.
You can exchange rings, other tokens, or nothing at all. You may make vows (and if we
do, then the couple has complete freedom over the words), or you may not. If the couple
wants to involve other people, then they can do so in many creative ways.
We can co-create with you a day of celebration that reflects on life and living in a joyful
way with song, dance, inspirational readings, meditations, visualization and games that
lighten the spirit and engage the heart; in fact, something unique to remember for the
rest of your lives together.
We can have a witness to capture the pictures, stories, quotations, and the music you
love to create a living memory of your celebration to share with family and friends. It‟s
the people, places and stories we remember that makes life worthwhile.
What Makes a Ritual?
Sweeping
Take a broom and move clockwise around the circle, reminding us of the never-ending and
always changing cycle of life around us. Sweep away all unwanted thoughts and
influences.
Mixing salt and water
Water represents our emotions, so we begin by casting aside those feelings that are
unwanted in our ritual space. We ask for confusion, malice, insecurity, loneliness, sense of
separation and disharmony to leave us. In their place we ask for tranquillity, compassion,
love, harmony and balance. The salt is the symbol of nature‟s law. It is also there to
remind us that promises made are not empty words. We ask for the special blessings of
strength, honour and wisdom. By placing salt in the water we are demonstrating a
balance between both our emotions and rational thinking. Only though this union will our
lives be balanced and fulfilling.
Casting the circle
Casting the circle defines an area that will be the focal point for what we are doing. The
circle contains energy and helps the participants to focus it. It may be cast by physically
walking in a circle to describe the space or by verbally invoking it. Flowers can be used to
mark the circle.
Blessing with the elements
The elements that are the building blocks of life are air, fire, water, earth. The elements
can be represented in the circle by incense, or a fan for air; by a candle for fire.
Statement of intent
The ritual
The sharing
Wine and cakes
Closing the circle
The feast
Create a Celebration Space
As long as you are legally married beforehand, you can create whatever celebration that
expresses your own wishes.
It is important to define a space which becomes special and separate from the everyday
secular world.
The symbol of the circle contained within a special space is at the heart of many
traditional rituals. A circle represents infinity as it has no beginning and no end. Using it
as a focus for positive energy, you can create such a space for celebrations.
How do you create a Celebration Space?
Perhaps the most important job, initially is to do a little housekeeping by sweeping and
dusting if it‟s indoors, or clearing and sweeping leaves and twigs if its outdoors. This
straightforward act establishes that we are creating a special environment and making it
as beautiful as we can.
Once the special space is set aside you can create a sacred circle around an altar or some
other focal point.
“This is a place where you can simply experience and bring forth what you are and what
you might be. This is the place of creative incubation. At first you might find that
nothing happens there. But if you have a sacred place and use it, something will
eventually happen ... your sacred space is where you find yourself again and again”
Joseph Campbell
How to create the circle
The circle does not have to be tangible or visible, but to mark it out rather leave it to the
imagination probably helps the participants to work our where they are. Traditionally
circles are 2.7 meters/9ft diameter. You can mark out the circle with flowers, stones,
lanterns, chalk.
The space needs to be tranquil; silence has often one of the most powerful ways of
storing spiritual energy. An initial period of quiet allows us time for meditation, to shut
our eyes, relax and focus our thoughts on what lies ahead. Chanting and drumming can
help us detach for a while from the material world and step out on a spiritual pathway.
We can use a mantra to release our higher energies; the best example is the OM sound
that forms a fundamental tool of Hindu and Buddhist meditation
Place many different types of flowers, particularly the favourites of the couple, and roses.
Creating an altar – the threshold between sky and earth
From a functional point of view, an altar is a structure that serves as a centre of a
ceremony. On it offerings are made, incense is burned and objects are blessed. It is the
space created by an altar prayer, meditation, celebration and other acts of faith are
practiced. Symbolically an altar is a threshold between the world of matter and the world
of spirit
Before you make an altar consider your intention for it. Altar objects should relate to
your intention of your altar, and they should engage the senses and evoke emotion. Your
objects can be sacred in nature from a multitude of faiths, or they could be keepsakes,
stones, crystals, shells, feathers, flowers, candles, incense, and photographs of some of
your favourite things that evoke loving memories.
You may wish to dedicate the altar to celebration, mutual growth and lasting love.
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Play some of your favourite music in the background to the ceremony.
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Elemental gifts - coloured ribbons, yellow for air, orange for fire, green for earth,
blue for water, red for love.
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Add two white candles; incense of a flower scent, and a willow wand.
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The couple should bring wedding rings and small symbolic gifts for each other. The
rings fit over the willow wand, and they lay on the altar place the rings.
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Place cakes and wine on the altar.
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Cleanse with smoke: incense and smudging.
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After lighting the candles and incense the celebrant faces the gathering, backs
towards the altar.
Appendix 2 - Blessings and Quotes
I enter this marriage with you knowing that the true magic of love
is not to avoid changes but to navigate them successfully
Adapted from traditional Lutheran vows
If you accept all things
whether painful or joyful
you will always know
that you belong to each other
Translated from 6th century China
We are the air, it surrounds us.
We are the fire, it burns within us,
we are the water, it flows through us,
we are the earth, and it sustains us
Wiccan handfasting pledge
We honour mother earth and ask for our marriage to be abundant
and grow stronger through the seasons.
We honour fire and ask that our union be warm and glowing with love in our hearts
We honour wind and ask that we sail through life safe and calm in our father's arms
We honour water to clean and soothe our relationship that it may never thirst for love
Traditional Cherokee Prayer
For yesterday is already a dream, and tomorrow is only a vision,
but today, well lived, makes every yesterday a dream of vision
and every tomorrow a vision of hope
Adapted from ancient Sanskrit
Nothing is secure but life, transition, the energizing spirit... People wish to be settled;
only so far as they are unsettled is there any hope for them.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
To be interested in the changing seasons is a happier state of mind than to be hopelessly
in love with spring.
George Santayana
Once you accept the fact that you‟re not perfect, then you develop some confidence
Rosalynn Carter
Certain flaws are necessary for the whole. It would seem strange if old friends lacked
certain quirks.
Goethe
You see, when weaving a blanket, an Indian woman leaves a flaw in the weaving of the
blanket to let the soul out
Martha Graham
It is though creating not possessing, that life is revealed
Vida D Scudder
Adopt the pace of nature; her secret is patience. Sometimes you don‟t need the things
you “need” to enjoy the simple things, quiet times, family and friends
Amish proverb
The best things in life are nearest: Breath in your nostrils, light in your eyes, flowers at
your feet, duties art your hand, the path of right just before you. Then do not grasp at
the stars, but do life‟s plain, common work as it comes, certain that daily duties and
daylily bread are the sweetest things in life
Robert Louis Stevenson
What l see in Nature is a magnificent structure that we can comprehend only very
imperfectly, and that must fill a thinking person with a feeling of humility. This is a
genuinely religious feeling that has nothing to do with mystic.
Albert Einstein
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
Judith Martin
I have three precious things which I hold fast and prize. The first is gentleness; the
second is frugality; the third humility, which keeps me from putting myself before others.
Be gentle and you can be bold; be frugal and you can be liberal; avoid putting yourself
before others and you can become a leader among men.
Lao Tse
Pretty things, meaningless things: People spend all their time acquiring things. It‟s an
endless cycle – always wanting more and bigger. You throw away the smaller one for the
larger; toss out the old one for the new one that suite your mood today.
The only lasting things are those you keep inside. No one has room in their hearts
anymore for art or nature. They can‟t see beyond their money and their pretty things –
they‟ve forgotten how to enjoy their short lives, forgotten how to dream. This makes it
all the more important for you to become just the opposite. You must be sincere.
Sincerity is an open heart, we find it in very few people; what we usually see is only an
artful dissimulation to win the confidence of others.
Francois De La Rochefoucauld
What uttered from the heart alone will win the hearts of others to our own.
Goethe
You can play a shoestring if you‟re sincere
John Coltrane
Look deep into nature, and you will understand everything better.
Albert Einstein
I don‟t believe people are looking for the meaning of life as much as they are looking for
the experience of being alive.
Joseph Campbell
If the sight of the blue skies fills you with joy, if a blade of grass springing up in the fields
has power to move you, if the simple things in nature have a message you understand
rejoice your soul is alive
Eleanora Duse
Appendix 3 - Buddhism
Buddhism provides the principles for a good marriage. A few words about Buddhist
marriages:
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Buddhism is a path of transformation of one‟s inner potential
It is a path dedicated to serving others, helping them awaken their potential
Marriage provides the opportunity to practice serving others.
Love is wishing others happiness
Marriage is the equal commitment to the happiness of your partner, toward their
awakening.
Our inner potential is developed through taking on challenges, not just through joy.
We need people to practice compassion
Since their marriage is dedicated toward the happiness of all living beings, those gathered
here are the representatives of all living beings.
Buddhist Relationships
Usually the model for marriage is our parents, who may have enjoyed a loving relationship.
Sometimes we commit to do better. Unfortunately we do not always have the tools to
match our intention. Willpower alone is not enough. The path to enlightenment offered
by Buddhism can provide the path to and principles for a good marriage:
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Marriage is the equal commitment to the happiness of your partner, toward their
awakening
Love is wishing others happiness
Buddhism is a path of transformation of one‟s inner potential
It is a path dedicated to serving others, helping them awaken their potential
Marriage provides the opportunity to practice serving others.
Our inner potential is developed through taking on challenges, not just through joy.
We need people to practice compassion
Basic Teachings of Buddhism
Principles structured to enable us to free ourselves from self imposed limitations, and to
gain enlightenment.
Four noble truths
1. Suffering, unhappiness outweighs pleasure that may be experienced. When
circumstances change we experienced a sense of discomfort and loss. Frustration
and unsatisfactory experience is the norm. Until we accept that suffering is a key
feature of existence, we will not need to embark on a new path to rid ourselves of
the suffering.
2. The cause of suffering is attachment. If we look at the world carefully we will see
that everything is impermanent and changing “our thoughts, feelings, bodies, our
possessions, family and friends” which define our very existence are all changing,
decaying and eventually disappearing. Because our lives are structured around
them, we are very reluctant to accept that they are only temporary. We also
forget we are transient and short lived, destined to die. Not wishing to face this
reality, we cling tightly to our present life and identity adopting a range of
strategies to maintain the illusion of permanence.
3. It is possible to live without experiencing the suffering and frustration arising from
attachment. We are all potentially Buddhas, so instead of limiting ourselves to our
identity, we have the possibility of becoming fully enlightened Buddha.
4. There is a pathway to achieve this alternative state of being free of suffering. In its
simplest form it has eight elements:
Right.......
Understanding
Thought
Speech
Action
Livelihood
Effort
Mindfulness
Concentration
Each element is designed to foster a moral and ethical lifestyle that reduces negative
emotions and actions, a tranquillity of mind that is focused and undisturbed by emotions,
and insight that perceives the true nature of things.
Breaking the process of:
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Ignorance of not understanding that all phenomena are impermanent, provide sources
of suffering and lack of independent existence.
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Craving, the desire to have pleasant things and to avoid the unpleasant ones.
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Grasping and clinging, attachment to the objects of desire
By following the eightfold path to awaken and eventually break these three links.
The Four Immeasurables
There is a danger of ending up a highly developed but cold and self centred mind that
pays little head to the plight of others.
Overcoming negative emotions and achieving balance between one‟s own welfare and
that of others.
The moral values of one‟s actions are determined by one‟s intensions and motivations.
The more that any particular type of action is repeated, the more the inner energy that
results from these actions become ingrained as energy patterns, which than makes
repetition of that action very likely.
We tend to adopt negative strategies for dealing with unexpected events that threaten
to upset us:
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Aversion (rejection, opposes, dislike, disapproval, not open to new ideas) - implies all
the negative emotions of anger, hatred, and malice
Attachment
Jealousy
Pride
Most of our encounters with others are dominated one of these four.
Buddhism offers a powerful antidote to these characteristics by practicing the Four
Immeasurables, so called because their power and scope is unlimited.
Loving kindness „open heart‟
Compassion
Sympathetic joy
Equanimity (calm, even tempered, composed)
Loving kindness
Loving kindness is the desire to see all other beings happy and joined with the causes of
happiness.
Aversion implies all the negative emotions of anger, hatred and malice, which come into
play when we feel we are in a situation that threatens the comfort of our delicate ego-self
- attachment, unfulfilled expectations, withholds - not going with the flow of life.
Loving kindness is taught as an antidote to all forms of negative aversion. A loving
mother is an example of loving kindness, for the mother will do everything in her power to
nurture the welfare of her child.
Who is the person who showed the greatest care and tenderness in one‟s childhood you
take as your image‟?
The object of developing loving kindness is to foster the happiness, fulfilment and
freedom of others by eliminating ones feelings of resentment and rejection.
Compassion
Compassion is the wish to relieve or eliminate the suffering and misery of others.
The root causes of much misery are caused by our own greed and attachment. If we have
developed loving kindness towards others, we will soon turn our attention to the plight of
suffering people. The early signs of compassion are developing within us to an
overwhelming sense of pity and a wish to do something. If we adopt and nurture a
compassionate approach, we can break down our own selfish greediness and find it easer
to engage in practicing compassionate deeds.
Sympathetic Joy
Sympathetic joy involves a delight and pleasure in appreciating the achievements and
good fortune of others.
Sympathetic joy relates to our reaction when we meet others who are blessed with
greater talents, abilities, success or achievements than ourselves.
Delight, pleasure or jealousy and outrage if it seemed someone has outstripped us in
some way?
Equanimity
Equanimity enables us to overcome the bias and prejudice often experienced in one‟s
attitude to others.
Finally, equanimity functions as an antidote to pride and partiality. Pride occupies centre
stage in the working of the „ego self‟ though the belief that we are more inherently
important or valuable than others. We are likely to be hostile to those who seem to
threaten our sense of importance.
We are over attracted to pleasant situations and people that protect the ego-self from
change and react with jealousy towards others when we feel we have somehow missed
out. A lack of equanimity leads us to favour some people over others while acting with
aversion towards others.
The Buddhist view is that all beings are equal and inherently endowed with Buddha nature
or the intrinsic potential for enlightenment, and hence worthy of respect.
Facets of Enlightenment
„Mirror-like awareness‟
Devoid of all dualistic conceptualizing thought, being free from any kind of division in its
functioning, between awareness itself and its content.
The awareness of sameness
Perceives the basic identity of all phenomena. It is always linked to the welfare of beings
and manifests itself in harmony with the dispositions and needs of others.
Investigating Awareness
Perceives the totality of the general and specific qualities of all phenomena as they truly
are. It particularly entails making the principles of enlightenment known to various people
in an appropriate manner, causing them to become happy and make progress towards
liberation.
Accomplishing awareness
Spontaneously caring out what has to be done for the welfare of beings as and when
needed by manifesting itself throughout the world.
I we accept that enlightenment is inherent in all beings and is dynamic in its function. Any
split in the intrinsic energy between the perceiving mind and the perceived manifest
negative emotions enlightenment cannot operate properly, but instead manifest negative
emotions.
Shadow side
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The mirror like awareness becomes aversion/rejection
Awareness of sameness becomes pride
The investigating awareness becomes attachment
The accomplishing awareness becomes jealousy
Since aversion is rejection, it is countered by loving kindness, which acts as a catalyst
enabling the mirror like awareness facet of our intrinsic enlightenment to function
properly, this that awareness operates without rejection or aversion.
Similarly, equanimity corrects the malfunctioning energy that manifests as pride, the
feeling we are better than others, and allows the awareness of sameness to operate.
Compassion carries out the same function concerning attachment, which is blind greed,
and the investigating awareness; sympathetic joy acts on destructive jealousy, and
accomplishing awareness.
As much as we eliminate those negative forms of energy, their more the underlying
sources are allowed to functioning a more healthy way.
Cultivation of the Four Immeasurables
The Tibetan masters recommend starting with equanimity and then work though loving
kindness, compassion and sympathetic joy.
The basic procedure for each of the four is the same.
One should first focus on a person to whom one has neutral feelings and then cultivate
thoughts of loving kindness towards them. When this skill has been attained, one moves
in sequence to the image of somebody whom one likes and cares about, and finally to
someone who you dislike. Moving on from one or two individuals, one should then expand
ones range to include ultimately all living beings in the universe.
For loving-kindness: Just as you wish that all the people you favour may meet all the
happiness they lack, you should view all beings may meet the happiness they lack. View
all whom you perceive with kindness.
The mental quality of loving-kindness is the desire that all beings may meet with the same
kindness that you would with for your own family.
In the case of compassion, you should consider somebody who is tormented by
unbearable harsh sufferings as the object of your meditation.
The mental quality of compassion is the fervent wish that he or she may be relieved of
that suffering.
With sympathetic joy, you should consider somebody dwelling in a state of comfort and
happiness.
The mental quality of sympathetic joy is the wish that they will never lose that happiness
and find even greater comfort, have many possessions, and happiness, be free from
injury, and have great intelligence until they finally attain enlightenment.
You should apply this meditation to all people, but in particular practice this towards
those who have harmed you and those who you are jealous.
The primary reflections on equanimity are usually given in greater detail because of the
importance of freeing oneself from prejudice and bias.
At present you are attached to those you favour, while you may hate your enemies and
their associates. On the other hand when friends say harsh things to you, quarrel with
you or carry away your possessions, it is they who seem like your enemies because of the
distress that such things arouse in your mind.
Even in the future, it is not certain that your friends will not become your enemies and
your enemies become your friends. You should abandon the distinctions you make based
on your attachment to those you favour and hatred of those who are disliked. Treat both
enemies and friends with equality and neutrality.
In all cases, the aim is to modify one‟s attitude towards others. Buddhism holds that all
actions are preceded by the mind and derive their moral quality from various thoughts
and attitudes. By reshaping one‟s inner mental landscape, one‟s behaviour towards
others is gradually altered.
Exercise: The Four Immeasurables
We are trying to cultivate the four immeasurables as the main topic of meditation. Begin
with equanimity. Move on to the next when you feel you have achieved a reasonable
degree skill in one. Once you are familiar with all of them, work though all four in one
sitting.
Include yourself in the meditation. We often have fairly negative of imbalanced feelings
towards ourselves.
First take refuge and relax your mind before beginning. When you have finished, you
should dedicate any wholesome energy you have generated though the practice to the
benefit of others.
Exercise: Taking Refuge
Practice this at least twice a day, upon rising and when retiring, and in stressful situations
throughout the day.
Have an image of the Buddha in your mind.
Join your palms and make three prostrations:
Place the hands together at forehead level
Place the hands together at mouth level
Place the hands together at chest level
Then say out loud „From this time onwards until I reach enlightenment, I will make
offerings to you. I will rely upon you; I will have no other refuge or source of hope apart
from you!‟
Recite words of taking refuge three times:
I
I
I
I
go
go
go
go
to
to
to
to
the
the
the
the
Guru for refuge (Lama - teacher)
Buddha for refuge (enlightenment)
Dharma for refuge (teachings of enlightenment)
Sangha for refuge (community of Buddhist monks and nuns)
Equanimity
First review the reasons why it is best to be balanced and neutral in your dealings with
others.
Then visualize in front of you somebody towards whom you have neutral feelings.
Focusing on that person, you should mentally repeat to yourself:
May I dwell in equanimity, free from the bias of attachment and hatred?
Repeat this for some time until you feel the thoughts have become firmly established in
your mind.
Then visualize in front of you somebody towards who is dear to you. Focusing on that
person, you should mentally repeat to yourself:
May I dwell in equanimity, free from the bias of attachment and hatred
Repeat this for some time until you feel the thoughts has become firmly established in
your mind.
Then visualize in front of you somebody you dislike. Focusing on that person, you should
mentally repeat to yourself:
May I dwell in equanimity, free from the bias of attachment and hatred
Repeat this for some time until you feel the thoughts has become firmly established in
your mind.
Then visualize yourself while again mentally repeating.
May I dwell in equanimity, free from the bias of attachment and hatred.
Repeat this for some time until you feel the thoughts has become firmly established in
your mind.
Having cultivated an attitude of equanimity towards each of the above people, you should
now gradually extend this wish, first to include all the people in your home, then your
neighbourhood, your village or city, your country, your continent, the entire world, and so
on, to eventually include the entire universe...As you begin to expand your prospective in
this way, you can also change the emphasis of the key phrase - May all beings dwell in
equanimity, free from attachment and hatred.
Loving Kindness
First, review the reasons you should dwell with feelings of loving kindness towards others.
Then visualize yourself while again mentally repeating: May I be happy and well, free from
enmity and ill will towards myself. Repeat this for some time until you feel the thoughts
have become firmly established in your mind.
Then visualize in front of you somebody towards whom you have neutral feelings.
Focusing on that person, you should mentally repeat to yourself: May this person be
happy and well, free from enmity and ill will. Repeat this for some time until you feel the
thoughts has become firmly established in your mind.
Then visualize in front of you somebody towards who is dear to you. Focusing on that
person, you should mentally repeat to yourself: May this person be happy and well, free
from enmity and ill will. Repeat this for some time until you feel the thoughts has become
firmly established in your mind.
Then visualize in front of you somebody you dislike. Focusing on that person, you should
mentally repeat to yourself: May this person be happy and well, free from enmity and ill
will. Repeat this for some time until you feel the thoughts has become firmly established
in your mind.
Having cultivated an attitude of loving - kindness towards each of the above people, you
should now gradually extend this wish, first to include all the people in your home, then
your neighbourhood, your village or city, your country, your continent, the entire world,
and so on, to eventually include the entire universe...As you begin to expand your
prospective in this way, you can also change the emphasis of the key phrase - May all
beings be happy and have the cause of happiness.
Compassion
First, review the reasons you should dwell with feelings of compassion towards others.
Then, visualize yourself while again mentally repeating: May I be free from pain and
misery as well as the causes of pain and misery. Repeat this for some time until you feel
the thoughts has become firmly established in your mind.
Then, visualize in front of you somebody who is suffering greatly in some way towards
whom you have neutral feelings. Focusing on that person, you should mentally repeat to
yourself: May this person be free from pain and misery as well as the causes of pain and
misery. Repeat this for some time until you feel the thoughts has become firmly
established in your mind.
Then, visualize in front of you a dear person who is suffering in some way. Focusing on
that person, you should mentally repeat to yourself: May this person be free from pain
and misery as wall as the causes of pain and misery. Again repeat this for some time until
you feel the thoughts has become firmly established in your mind.
Then, visualize in front of you somebody you dislike who is suffering greatly in some way.
Focusing on that person, you should mentally repeat to yourself: May this person be free
from pin and misery as well as the causes of pain and misery. Again, repeat this for some
time until you feel the thoughts has become firmly established in your mind.
Having cultivated an attitude of compassion towards each of the above people, you
should now gradually extend this wish, first to include all the people in your home, then
your neighbourhood, your village or city, your country, your continent, the entire world,
and so on, to eventually include the entire universe...As you begin to expand your
prospective in this way, you can also change the emphasis of the key phrase - May all
beings be free from suffering and the causes of suffering.
Sympathetic Joy
First, review the reasons you should dwell with feelings of sympathetic joy towards
others.
Then visualize yourself while again mentally repeating: May I always be joined with the
happiness wherein there is no suffering. Repeat this for some time until you feel the
thoughts has become firmly established in your mind.
Then visualize in front of you somebody who is enjoying good fortune towards whom you
have neutral feelings. Focusing on that person, you should mentally repeat to yourself:
May this person always be joined with happiness wherein there is no suffering. Repeat
this for some time until you feel the thoughts has become firmly established in your mind.
Then visualize in front of you a person enjoying good fortune who is dear to you. Focusing
on that person, you should mentally repeat to yourself: May this person always be joined
with happiness wherein there is no suffering. Again, repeat this for some time until you
feel the thoughts has become firmly established in your mind.
Then visualize in front of you somebody enjoying good fortune you dislike who is suffering
greatly in some way. Focusing on that person, you should mentally repeat to yourself:
May this person always be joined with happiness wherein there is no suffering. Again,
repeat this for some time until you feel the thoughts has become firmly established in
your mind.
Having cultivated an attitude of sympathetic joy towards each of the above people, you
should now gradually extend this wish, first to include all the people in your home, then
your neighbourhood, your village or city, your country, your continent, the entire world,
and so on, to eventually include the entire universe...As you begin to expand your
prospective in this way, you can also change the emphasis of the key phrase: May all
beings always be joined with the happiness wherein there is no suffering free from the
causes of suffering.
May
May
May
May
all
all
all
all
beings
beings
beings
beings
be happy and have the cause of happiness
be free from suffering and the causes of suffering
be joined in happiness wherein there is no suffering
dwell in equanimity from attachment and hatred.
Round the circle to the beginning like a prayer wheel until you reach enlightenment.
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