THE WAYS
BETRAYAL
TRAUMA
ALTERS THE
MIND AND
BODY
DR. KEVIN SKINNER, LMFT, CSAT
BLOOMFORWOMEN.COM
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© 2015 by Bloom for Women, LLC
i
OUR BODIES AREN'T
DESIGNED TO HANDLE
LONG-TERM ELEVATED
ANXIETY AND STRESS.
THIS ACUTE STRESS
AND ANXIETY WILL TAX
THE ENTIRE BODY AND
WEAR IT DOWN.
Introduction
ii
Introduction
THE WAYS BETRAYAL TRAUMA ALTERS OUR
BODY AND MIND
Stress and anxiety are natural in
everyone's life and in many cases
they can even be beneficial. In
moderation, stress can help us
perform tasks more efficiently and
improve memory. Similar to exercise, it
can improve heart function and make
the body resistant to infection. Good
stress can even improve and
empower one's abilities, enabling
increased performance and
heightened accomplishment.
We want to help you understand your
stress response, how that stress might
be affecting your body, signs of
chronic anxiety and stress, and a few
things you can do now to eliminate
stress.
Positive stress, for example, is shortlived and is experienced during
college exams, championship
basketball games, public speaking,
performing medical surgeries or even
dealing with toddler throwing a
tantrum while trying to check out at
the grocery store. However, ongoing
traumatic stress, like the stress
associated with the discovery of a
spouse's pornography or sexual
addiction, can have lasting effects.
iii
#1
ARE YOU
STRESSED
OUT?
Elevated stress can be
dangerous to your mind and
body. It's not uncommon for
someone to not even realize
they are stressed, allowing
the negative side effects to
creep in.
5
Chapter 1
ARE YOU STRESSED OUT?
When you are
betrayed by the
person who is
supposed to love,
respect and support
you the most, your
world shatters. It may
feel as though the
whole life of your
relationship has been
a lie. Many people
naturally retrace their
relationship's history
adding in all the
missing details of
betrayal that they just
learned.
Elevated stress can be dangerous to your mind and body. It's not
uncommon for someone to not even realize they are stressed, allowing
the negative side effects to creep in. Many times, when asked about
their own stress, people respond with "Not really, my life is just this
way." In truth, their mind and body are feeling the effects of their stress,
but they aren't aware of it.
So, are you stressed out?
In this short assignment, our goal is to help you better identify how
stress manifests itself in your life. In order to do this, consider the
following question:
• In the past week, what issue from your life has been the most on
your mind? Once you have identified the issue ask yourself this
question, "Out of 100%, what percentage of my thoughts have been
positive regarding this issue and what percent have been negative?"
Here's a short example of how this assignment might look: "This week,
I spent most of my time thinking about what my husband was doing
when he was away from me. I worried that he was lying to me about
where he was. Out of 100% I would say that 95% of my thoughts
regarding this issue were negative and 5% were positive. The only
reason I said 5% was positive was because my husband remembered
to stop by the store on his way home and pick up the items I asked him
to.”
6
Under stress most of
us want to escape
or hide or get away
from it. Have you
considered how
your stress is
influencing you and
your life? In other
words, how are you
responding to your
stress?
Now consider your own thoughts, what have you been thinking about
the most this week? Record your thoughts in your journal.
To complete the assignment, please answer these three questions:
1. Would you agree or disagree that your most consistent thoughts
have increased your heart rate and created a physiological
response that others could recognize (e.g. anger, frustration,
elevated voice)? Please explain your answer.
2. If you had the ability to reduce how much you think about this issue
or avoid thoughts related to the issue all together would you?
Please explain your answer.
3. Do you feel that the issue that you have been thinking about the
most is out of your control or something that you cannot influence?
Please explain your answer.
According to researchers who study stress, if all three of the items
listed above are happening simultaneously, a person is stressed. While
most stress is short lived, some stressors last for days, weeks, months,
and even years. Under stress most of us want to escape or hide or get
away from it. Have you considered how your stress is influencing you
and your life? In other words, how are you responding to your stress? If
you are like most people, you may turn to unhealthy habits (e.g. eating,
spending, drinking alcohol, etc.) or you might internalize your stress.
This generally leads to depression and elevated anxiety. Unfortunately,
when we turn to unhealthy habits, they add to our problems rather
than fix them.
We now invite you to assess your response to stress and identify
potential ways that it may be harming you.
• In your journal, please share how you typically deal with your stress.
If you don't like the way that you are dealing with stress, please
include three things that you could do to better deal with your stress
(there isn't a right or wrong answer to this).
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Did you answer yes to most of the
questions in the assignment? If so,
you are probably suffering from
unhealthy chronic anxiety and stress,
which is relatively normal considering
your current life situation. It is
important to recognize and
acknowledge that this negative stress
is typical for what you are
experiencing.
8
#2
HOW DOES
STRESS
AFFECT MY
BODY?
Do you feel indescribable fear? Do
you feel helpless and have
powerful and recurring memories
of what your partner has done? If
you have these feelings, you are
actually processing your trauma
normally and are trying to make
sense of the situation.
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Chapter 2
HOW DOES STRESS AFFECT MY
BODY
To further explain
how stress and
anxiety affect the
body, read the
Ebook “How
Excessive
Adrenaline And
Cortisol Can
Damage The Body”.
In a survey of 800 women with Betrayal Trauma, we have learned that:
• 75% Feel indescribable fear
• 85% Have feelings of being helpless
• 62% Relive the traumatic memory of what their partner has done
Is this true of you? Do you feel indescribable fear? Do you feel helpless
and have powerful and recurring memories of what your partner has
done? If you have these feelings, you are actually processing your
trauma normally and are trying to make sense of the situation.
However, if these all-consuming thought patterns are not reduced over
time, your mind and body will become overwhelmed and eventually
wear out. This could lead to long-term negative problems on physical,
emotional and mental levels.
Suggestion: In the upcoming section, if you recognize specific
symptoms you may want to write them down in your journal. If you find
you have more than 50% of the symptoms, it may be beneficial for you
to seek out professional therapy to aid in symptom reduction.
Warning Signs of Long-Term Anxiety and Stress
After most stressful situations, we quickly return to a normal state of
mind. In the case of a public speaker, their speech is finished and
stress is reduced to normal levels. Or, in the case of an athlete, the
game ends. Our body is prepared to endure short-term anxiety and
stress.
11
However, after you discovered your
partner's sexual betrayal, your stress
has probably not been short-lived. As
mentioned earlier, this is problematic;
your body's safety response system
was designed to protect you from
difficult situations for short durations
of time, minutes and days, not weeks,
months or even years. And yet, we've
learned nearly 43% of women have
reported having these negative
feelings for over two years!
Do you find yourself feeling worn out
and tired? In addition to feeling worn
out and tired, are you experiencing
any of the following symptoms?
Physiological
• Headaches
• Elevated blood pressure
• Anxiety
• Irritable bowel syndrome
• Tired Emotional
• Depression
• Grief and loss
• Loneliness
• Muscle tension and tightness
Additional Symptoms
• Increased anger
• Mood swings
• Forgetfulness
• Being on edge or uptight
• Being easily distracted
As you read this list, how many of
these 17 symptoms have you been
feeling?
It's helpful to remember that feeling
one or even all of these symptoms is
typical for your situation. You are
undergoing a normal response to the
trauma you have encountered.
However, it is important to realize the
more of these symptoms you have,
the higher your levels of anxiety and
stress may be.
Spiritual
• Numbness to spiritual matters
• Apathy
• Lack of trust in God
• Hurt and feelings of abandonment
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#3
WHAT CAN
YOU DO
NOW?
Our bodies aren't designed to
handle long-term elevated anxiety
and stress; this acute stress and
anxiety will tax the entire body and
wear it down. It’s important to learn
a few good habits that will curb the
intensity of that anxiety and stress.
14
Chapter 3
WHAT CAN YOU DO NOW?
Self-expression can be
very therapeutic both
for the artist and the
receiver. If you would
like to draw, paint,
take a photograph,
make a sculpture or
find a stock photo of
what trauma
symbolically looks like
in your life, we
encourage you to do
so. Get creative! Send
a snapshot of your
artwork to
[email protected]
with a short
explanation and we'll
anonymously post it to
our Facebook page.
This helps others to
see that they are not
alone.
Our bodies aren't designed to handle long-term elevated anxiety and
stress; this acute stress and anxiety will tax the entire body and wear it
down. It’s important to learn a few good habits that will curb the
intensity of that anxiety and stress.
We invite you to start implementing some basic steps to relax your
mind and reduce the constant feelings of stress and trauma. To start
with, we offer three seemingly simple yet enormously effective
suggestions in reducing anxiety and stress. The key is to integrate
them with a motivated diligence!
• Find ways to relax. Make it a priority. This includes getting a good
night's rest, spending time in nature and enjoying its pure beauty,
breathing deep, going out with your trusted friends for a stress-free
evening.
• Make time for exercise. At minimum, try to walk for 30 minutes a day.
Even better, yoga is especially beneficial in the healing process, as it
can work wonders on trauma.
• Add more nutrition into your life. Eat more vegetables. Eat smaller
meals and more often in the day. Try to limit your sugar intake. Smart
nutrient intake increases mental and emotional balance and
decreases sudden spikes in negative stressors.
Resources
Bloomforwomen.com - Bloom specializes in Betrayal Trauma. If you or
someone you know is involved in an unfaithful relationship and needs
help, Bloom may be a valuable resource for you. Click here to watch
the video.
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Additional Reading
• How Betrayal Trauma Manifests
Itself
• The Power of Journaling
• How Excessive Adrenaline And
Cortisol Can Damage The Body
• Beginning to Respond to
Betrayal Trauma
16
About the
Author
Dr. Kevin Skinner is the Clinical Director at Addo Recovery, LLC and has
been serving individuals for 18 years. He has created online assessments
for more than 250,000 individuals that center on relationship intimacy
and pornography addiction. These assessments serve as a helpful guide
to people working toward recovery.
Dr. Skinner’s newly developed Compassion Model is a therapy style that
helps people develop greater compassion. It changes how individuals
feel about themselves and others and is a great healing tool for
individuals and couples.
17