Lesson 2.09
Here’s an Inside Scoop to help you with your 2.09 assignment. When you finish your assignment for this
lesson, it will look just like this! The only difference is you will:
1. Revise ONE of the body paragraphs in your informational article from lesson 2.08.
2. Write a reflection on the changes you have made.
3. Submit the original paragraph, the revised paragraph, and the reflection paragraph.
**View the grading rubric as you complete your assignment. This is your guide to a super submission. (See below!)
MY ORIGINAL PARAGRAPH:
The Downside of Airplanes
Could there really be a downside to this wonderful invention? Unfortunately, yes. Even though this wonderful
invention is the safest form of intercity travel in the United States, it connects human lives, and drives so much of our
economy, there is a negative impact of this wonderful invention. Humans have become so reliant upon air travel that
the 300,000 flights per day are having an effect on our environment. Planes are driven by fuel. The airplane industry is
working hard to make airplanes that are more fuel efficient, but these huge engines are emitting fuels into our
atmosphere at alarming rates. “Researchers at MIT, whose work is reported by National Geographic, used a computer
model to track plane emissions through the atmosphere. They noted where the emissions were likely to fall and then
linked them to human deaths. They tabulated that around 10,000 deaths per year can be blamed on airplane pollution.”
Hopefully, modern day technologies will allow us to develop a way to fuel all engines with other sources than fuel so
that we can continue to enjoy our flights and save our world.
MY REVISED PARAGRAPH:
_____Combine two or more sentences in your paragraph for varied syntax.
_____Review your paragraph for any use of passive voice. Revise those sentences.
The Downside of Airplanes
Could there really be a downside to this wonderful invention? Unfortunately, yes. There is a negative impact of
this wonderful invention, even though it has proven to be the safest form of intercity travel in the United States, it
connects human lives, and drives so much of our economy. Humans have become so reliant upon air travel that the
300,000 flights per day are having a negative effect on our environment. Planes are driven by fuel. The airplane industry
is working hard to make airplanes that are more fuel efficient. These huge engines are emitting fuels into our
atmosphere at alarming rates. Consider this, “Researchers at MIT, whose work is reported by National Geographic, used
a computer model to track plane emissions through the atmosphere. They noted where the emissions were likely to fall
and then linked them to human deaths. They tabulated that around 10,000 deaths per year can be blamed on airplane
pollution.” Hopefully, modern day technologies will allow us to develop a way to fuel all engines with other sources
than gasoline so that we can continue to enjoy our flights and save our world.
MY REFLECTIVE PARAGRAPH:
Describe the changes you made and how these changes improved your writing.
You can see the changes that I made to my paragraph by looking at the highlighted areas. In my reflection, I’ll
discuss each change and why I made it. I moved this phrase, “There is a negative impact of this wonderful invention” to
the beginning of the sentence instead of having it at the end of the sentence. I did this because this phrase is actually th e
main point of the sentence and the reader had to wait all the way to the end of a really long sentence to get to the main
point. I think it works better here. I added, “a negative effect” in this sentence to reinforce the topic of this paragraph
which is “The Downside of Airplanes.” The next correction I made was turning one long sentence into two shorter
ones. I think this makes the points more clear and also adds sentence variety. I already have a lot of long sentences,
adding in two shorter ones adds variety. I added, “Consider this,” to the next sentence as a way to introduce the
quotation I used. Before I did this, the quotation was just sitting in the paragraph alone with no connection. Finally, I
changed the word “fuel” to gasoline in the last sentence for clarification. Using “fuel” twice in that sentence was
confusing to the readers. That concludes the changes that I have made to my paragraph.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
If you turn in an assignment like this, you’ll have met ALL the requirements on the Lesson 2.09 Rubric! Take a
look for yourself and see!
2.09 Rubric
Task
Points
Earned
Success Achieved
5-3
Completeness
_____ I completely submitted the original draft of
one body paragraph, a revised draft of the same body
paragraph, and a reflection on the changes I have
made.
5
5-3
Coherence
____The revised body paragraph I submitted has
ideas which clearly connect logically.
5
15-10
Syntax
Voice
____ I clearly used a variety of sentence structures in
my revised paragraph.
15
10-7
____The revised body paragraph I submitted is
clearly free of passive voice.
10
15-10
Reflection Paragraph
Earned Points
____ I clearly described the revisions I have made to
the original body paragraph.
____ I clearly and correctly identified the type of
sentence I created by combining ideas.
____ I clearly explained how I feel the revisions
have improved the new draft.
50
15
OUT
OF