Dynamics of Unhealthy Relationships
Copyright © 2011 Jody Cowdin. All Rights Reserved. Used with permission.
Double Bind: Abuser tells Victim to do something, and then Abuser gets upset with Victim for doing
that very thing.
 Creates a “no win” situation.
 Victim experiences “Damned if I do, and damned if I don’t.”
 Leads to “crazy making.”
Double Standard: Different rules for different people.
 Abuser puts restrictions on Victim’s freedom and behavior, but Abuser does not have to
live by those same restrictions.
 Abuser feels justified in having more freedom to do and say things, while believing Victim is
not capable of using those freedoms wisely, or afraid Victim will expose truth, or leave.
 Abuser does not trust Victim.
 When confronted, Abuser will probably become hostile, blaming Victim for doing
something wrong, while Abuser justifies their own identical behavior.
Control: The need to dominate another using various means to enforce submission.
 Abuser gets the final word on decisions.
 Abuser demands total agreement and support from Victim.
 When Abuser demands to be “heard”, it may actually mean Abuser is demanding that
Victim agrees.
 If Victim disagrees, Abuser may up the ante, and escalate the situation by:
o Talking louder
o Getting angry
o Increasing emotional intensity
o Becoming defensive
o Interrupting Victim and not listening to any other point of view
o Making threats; verbal aggression, and badgering
o Looking for others to take sides; lining up allies
o Intimidating using words, proximity, or behaviors like throwing things
o Using scripture as a weapon
Dynamics of Unhealthy Relationships, p. 2
Copyright © 2011 Jody Cowdin. All Rights Reserved. Used with permission.
Control: The need to dominate another using various means to enforce submission.
 If Victim disagrees, Abuser may up the ante, and escalate the situation by: continued
o Deflecting the truth by bringing up unrelated issues, or blaming Victim for
unrelated things
o Becoming violent
Deny, Minimize, Blame: Ways Abuser may use to not take responsibility for their own behavior.
 Deny it ever happened, or deny any involvement in whatever happened.
 Admit something may have happened, but minimize the event, severity or impact on
Victim.
 Admit it happened, but blame Victim for causing it, deserving it, or needing it. Or Abuser
may blame their own current circumstances, past experiences or people in their lives as
their excuse.
 Abuser’s ultimate goal is to shift responsibility from self to anyone else.
Insecurity and Fear: This is most often the constant, unrecognized root cause
 Fear feeds the need to use power and control.
 Abuser often hides feelings of insecurity and inadequacy.
 Abuser believes that control can prevent the ultimate fear from happening: rejection and
abandonment.
 Abuser’s fear and insecurity will perceive a threat from Victim even in the most benign
situations.
 Abuser may over-react, experience emotional turmoil, and create confusion, conflict and
division, seemingly out of the blue.
 Fear and controlling behaviors will continue as long as they keep working for Abuser.
 Abusers seldom have the personal insight or the courage to admit that their beliefs,
feelings and behaviors are damaging to their relationships without direct confrontation,
instruction, and repeating the message from multiple sources.
Dynamics of Unhealthy Relationships, p. 3
Copyright © 2011 Jody Cowdin. All Rights Reserved. Used with permission.
Victim Interventions: Suggested strategies for Survivors (former Victims). Skills apply to
friendships too.
 Learn to do these things for your own benefit, whether you are in a relationship or not.
 Trust Jesus when he said the truth will set us free (John 8:32).
 Then speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15).
 Know who you are in Christ and maintain healthy boundaries.
 Carefully assess whether it is safe to say anything, or if you need to find a place of safety
and ask others to intervene on your behalf.
 Be firm, calm, and direct, without sarcasm. Remain strong and compassionate at the same
time.
 Possible verbal responses to Abuser:
o What you are saying is hurtful toward me, but I know God really loves me. His
opinion matters most. You will need to keep hurtful comments to yourself.
o I hope that someday we will be able to talk about this in a calm way, but if that’s
not today, I’m ending this conversation.
o I used to allow people to treat me this way, but I have changed and I no longer
tolerate abuse. Please change your approach or we are done for today.
o I hear and understand that you are upset. It doesn’t mean that I also have to
become upset and accept the blame, so I hope you can get some help for what you
are going through.
o I agree to listen to you carefully and sincerely apologize if I am responsible for
hurting you. I expect the same from you. I will not apologize for things I have not
done.
o Let me make it very clear that your accusations about me are unfounded and
untrue. If you need help with your insecurities and fears, please find someone you
can speak to honestly about this so these lies don’t destroy our relationship.
o If you want this relationship to continue as much as I do, it will need to be
beneficial for both of us. I expect mutual respect and consideration in
conversations, decisions, and getting needs met.
o It seems this discussion is getting out of control, so let’s take a couple hours to
calm down and try again.
Dynamics of Unhealthy Relationships, p. 4
Copyright © 2011 Jody Cowdin. All Rights Reserved. Used with permission.
Victim Interventions: Suggested strategies for Survivors (former Victims). Skills apply to
friendships too.
 Possible verbal responses to Abuser: Continued
o I’m not sure if you mean this or not, but I’m feeling uncomfortable with your tone,
words and volume. Are you able to change this or shall we end this for today?
o I am willing to stay committed to this relationship and accept responsibility for my
own words and actions, but I will not accept the blame for yours.
o I have tried to protect you and our family over the years by keeping the dynamics
of our relationship quiet, but I’m not willing to do that anymore. I love us too much
to continue keeping the secret and saying no to healing, so I’m going to get other
involved in helping us. It may be hard and very scary, but it’s the only way we have
a future together, so I’m willing to take the risk. I hope you are too.
 Take appropriate actions to maintain your safety. Abusers only change if their behavior and
doesn’t work anymore. Most are unwilling to change as long as they are able to access
their victim and continue to up the ante. Actions speak louder than words, and the abuser
may need some proof that you mean what you say and say what you mean.
Abuser confessions and declarations: A seemingly impossibly but positive approach to
reconciliation.
 I confess that my abusive behavior is sin, and I’m solely responsible for my own sin. I ask for
forgiveness from the Lord, for a fresh new beginning, and for the strength to become the
champion he has created me to be.
 I’m sorry I have hurt you. I know I’ve said this before, so I’m going to show you by my
actions this time.
 Please forgive me.
 I will need time to become consistent with the changes in my insights and behaviors. If I slip up
and revert back to my old ways, I’m determined to turn around and get back on track, knowing
that God’s forgiveness even covers future sins and his love is stronger than my failures. He will
give me Godly sorrow, leading to repentance, and another chance to be successful.
 I never realized how fear of rejection and abandonment was dominating my life, and how I
was passing that on to my victim. But no more. Instead of fighting against my victim, I’m
going to fight against the insecurity and fear, the jealousy and the rage.
Dynamics of Unhealthy Relationships, p. 5
Copyright © 2011 Jody Cowdin. All Rights Reserved. Used with permission.
Abuser confessions and declarations: A seemingly impossibly but positive approach to
reconciliation. Continued
 I reject the devil’s lies and put him under my feet! I choose to trust God and accept the
help of the Holy Spirit!
 I’m determined to accept God’s view of me, and he thinks I’m worth dying and living for.
My security and value are in Him.
 I can face anything and everything through Christ who gives me strength.
 I want to be honest with myself, others, and God about how I have been living my life. I
know that if I have the courage to tell the truth and come clean, I can also be healed and
set free from the oppression of abuse.
 I will learn to speak the truth in love when it comes to getting my needs met, without
becoming critical, sarcastic, or using my needs as an excuse to become abusive. My first
goal is to become the servant that Jesus demonstrated and calls me to be.
 When I sense my need to control is getting stronger, I will withdraw to a quiet place to look
inside for answers and a plan, instead of blaming or hurting my victim. I’ll ask God for
insight and SELF-control. When I’m calm, I’ll return to the conversation.
 I will seek out and use support people in my life to help me understand all this and hold me
accountable.
 I will take responsibility for my own feelings, words, actions and reactions in all situations.
 Instead of getting defensive or abusive, I will listen to my victim talk about how hard it has been
to be in a relationship with me, how much pain I have caused, how much damage I have done
to our family, so that my victim can release all the pain and be healed. I owe at least this much.
 My motive to change needs to be selfless and to honor God with my life if the changes are
going to last. I need to change because it’s the right thing to do and I want to be free,
regardless of whether or not I’m in a relationship.
 I am determined to free my victim from the controls I had in place, and support their
discovery of their destiny in Christ.
Jody Cowdin, M.A., M.Ed., has been a teacher, therapist, Associate Professor, and previous Executive Director
of The Dwelling Place. She has personal experience with domestic violence in her own 19 year first marriage, raised
3 children as a single parent, and is enjoying life as a true survivor. Jody has authored "A Kid's Guide to
Understanding Domestic Abuse" and is completing a book for women on overcoming domestic abuse.