Helping Children Manage Stress
©Catholic Charities 2015
Helping Children Manage Stress
Stress can be good or bad, positive or negative, but it all adds up. Each of us
reacts to stress differently, even to the same stressors in the same situations.
Children experience stress as well. Often their stressors are not the same
stressors adults experience and, even exposed to the same stressors, they do
not react the same ways adults react. In an increasingly hectic and demanding
world, children and teens are exposed to more stress factors than ever before.
As responsible adults, we must help them find coping strategies that work now
and help them develop life-long habits for resisting the negative effects of
stress.
Where to Begin
One place to begin to help your children manage stress is to determine just how
stressed they are. Below is a short quiz you can help the child take or give to a
teen to establish a baseline of how much stress the child is experiencing now, in
the most recent 3 – 6 months. Then you can implement some of the coping
strategies suggested in this book and retake the quiz again in 3 – 6 months to
see if of the new strategies are helping.
Kids Stress Quiz
Note that stress can be
positive or negative, so
really good stress
scores a 3 and really
bad stress also gets a 3.
This quiz is evaluating how much stress has happened based on the perception
of the person answering the questions.
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Helping Children Manage Stress
Really
Good
A little
A little
Bad
Really
good
(2)
good
bad
(2)
bad
(1)
(1)
(3)
Did the event
Yes
(3)
No
happen?
ONLY score if the
event happened!
1. We moved.
2. I (or my team) won
a prize, award, or
contest.
3. My parent(s) stayed
away from home
overnight.
4. I got a new
boyfriend or
girlfriend.
5. My parent(s)
started a new job.
6. Someone special to
me (who is not in my
family) moved away.
7. Someone in my
family was really sick
or injured.
8. My parent(s) had a
baby or found out
they are going to have
a baby.
9. My parent(s) had to
see my school
principal.
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Helping Children Manage Stress
Really
Good
A little
A little
Bad
Really
good
(2)
good
bad
(2)
bad
(1)
(1)
(3)
Did the event
happen?
ONLY score if the
event happened!
10. I stayed away
from home overnight.
11. Someone came to
live with our family.
12. I was teased or
bullied.
13. My pet died, got
sick, lost, or injured.
14. I had a big
argument with
someone in our
family.
15. I was really sick or
injured.
16. My parents split
up.
17. I did well on an
important test or
exam.
18. My parent(s) lost
their job.
19. I broke up with a
boyfriend or
girlfriend.
4
Yes
No
(3)
Helping Children Manage Stress
Really
Good
A little
A little
Bad
Really
good
(2)
good
bad
(2)
bad
(1)
(1)
(3)
Did the event
Yes
(3)
No
happen?
ONLY score if the
event happened!
20. I had a big
argument with
someone special to
me who is not in my
family.
21. I made a special
new friend.
22. I saw something
bad happen (like a car
accident).
23. I changed schools.
24. Someone in my
family died.
25. People in my
family died.
26. One of my parents
got married, engaged,
or started seeing
someone else.
27. Someone broke
into my house.
28. Someone in my
family left home.
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Helping Children Manage Stress
Really
Good
A little
A little
Bad
Really
good
(2)
good
bad
(2)
bad
(1)
(1)
(3)
Did the event
happen?
ONLY score if the
event happened!
29. I was in a fight
with someone not in
my family.
30. I did badly on an
important test or
exam.
31. Someone special
to me, who is not in
my family, died.
32. I was chosen for a
special role at school
(like team captain).
33. I was seriously
scolded or punished
by a teacher.
34. I took up a new
hobby, sport, or
activity.
35. I found out that I
had to repeat a grade
in school.
36. Someone special
to me, who is not in
my family, was really
sick or injured.
6
Yes
No
(3)
Helping Children Manage Stress
Really
Good
A little
A little
Bad
Really
good
(2)
good
bad
(2)
bad
(1)
(1)
(3)
Did the event
Yes
(3)
No
happen?
ONLY score if the
event happened!
37. I went on a special
holiday.
Other important
events (good or bad)
occurred (all optional)
38.
39.
40.
Sub-totals
Totals
Date you complete this quiz: ____________________
Scoring
As you go through the quiz, score only the events that happened (have a YES
answer in the first column). You can either check the rating column answer and
then put in the score later or enter the score as you go. After you and your child
complete the quiz, subtotal each column, then add up the six column sub-totals.
The total score will give you a snapshot of how much total stress the child has
experienced in the period you’ve discussed. If you want to discuss the positive
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Helping Children Manage Stress
and negative stress separately, you can sub-total and discuss the sub-total for
the three columns for positive stress and the three-column sub-total for
negative stress.
Using the results
Total
0 – 40
Low stress period – The child is coping with stress. Now would be
a good time to discuss the stressful events that are happening
and coping strategies that are working.
41 – 70
Moderate stress period – There’s a lot going on in this child’s life,
but s/he is coping well. Find ways to reduce the number of
stressful events.
71 – 90
Moderate to high stress period – Stress is on the rise. Implement
coping strategies. Consider seeking professional help.
91 – 120
High stress period – There’s a lot going on and the child is very
stressed about it. Professional assistance would be helpful.
Please note that the quiz is a basis for discussion between you and your child
and is not a substitute for medical evaluation, treatment or professional advice
regardless of the quiz score. You can use the quiz one time to discuss how much
stress your child is experiencing at the present time or you can repeat the quiz
at a later date to see if the child is experiencing more or less stress, or to help
identify different types of stress. If you and your child are unable to resolve
stress and/or stress related issues, seek professional help.
Source
The quiz is based on the Child and Adolescent Survey of Experiences (CASE-C/P)
developed by the Centre for Emotional Health, Department of Psychology,
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Helping Children Manage Stress
Macquarie University (Allen & Rappee, 2009). On this Centre for Emotional
Health page you can also find a preschool anxiety scale, a school anxiety scale,
and a personal experiences checklist that specifically relates to bullying http://www.centreforemotionalhealth.com.au/pages/questionaire-childand-adolescent-survey.aspx.
How to Tell if Your Child Is Stressed
Other than using the quiz, and/or in addition to the quiz, how can you tell if your
child is stressed? The list of possible signs is long and most of these signs might
also be related to some factor other than stress (Kids Health, 2014a). Possible
signs of stress may include:

mood swings

acting out

changes in sleep patterns, nightmares

habits (thumb sucking, hair twirling, or nose picking);

headaches

chest pain

rapid heartbeat

stomachaches

fatigue
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Helping Children Manage Stress

social isolation

anxiety

withdrawal from usual activities

emotional outbursts, overreactions to minor problems

aggression, bullying

trouble concentrating
Here are some suggestions for uncovering stress-related issues.

Ask, but don’t accuse. Anyone can be stressed and unaware of it, or not
aware of what’s stressing them. Don’t simply ask, “Are you feeling
stressed?” Try to be specific. “Are you worried about what happened on
the playground?” or “I haven’t seen your friend Ann lately. Is everything
OK?” are opening, casual questions.

Listen. After you’ve asked an opening question, try following up with an
open ended question then wait in silence and keep waiting. Let the child
be the first one to speak and give him or her plenty of time to keep
talking. Ask how the child is feeling. Keep listening.

Reflect. Make a reflective comment about the child’s feeling’s to help
them put a label on their feelings, such as, “it seems like you’re mad
that they wouldn’t let you in the game.” Do some more listening
without lecturing or offering advice. Let the child work through the
feeling.
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Helping Children Manage Stress

Look for solutions. Remember that changing the situation is not always
possible. Dealing with stress often requires changing our reactions to an
unchangeable situation. Help the child think of some solutions, but
focus on the child’s solutions.

Be present and be patient. It’s hard to see someone we care about
suffer, especially children. As adults, our first response is to jump in and
just fix things, but in the long run, that won’t help our children learn to
manage stress. Make yourself available when the child is ready to talk.
Find ways to make the child’s solutions workable. (Kids Health, 2014b)
Stressors
As adults, one of the best things we can do for our children is to help prevent
stress. We can limit access to, or at least discussion about, some stressors.
Some common causes of stress in children’s lives are:

Friends

Overscheduling

School, grades, parental pressure

Social pressure

Illness, self or others

World news

Divorce, other adult relationships
Some common causes of stress in teen’s lives are:

Grades, deadlines, school

Driving

Dating

Parents, arguments, authority figures

College, future plans
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Helping Children Manage Stress
In a poll of kids themselves, they identified causes of stress as: grades, school,
and homework (36%); family (32%); and friends, peers, gossip, and teasing
(21%).
Managing Stress and Stress Reduction
Some methods of coping with stress, exercise for example, are beneficial,
others, like taking drugs, are quite harmful. Adults want to help kids develop
positive coping strategies in childhood so that they don’t develop destructive
coping strategies as they grow up.
Here’s what the kids mentioned in the survey above say they do to cope with
stress:

52% play or do something active

44% listen to music

42% watch TV or play a video game

30% talk to a friend

29% try not to think about it

28% try to work things out

26% eat something

23% lose their tempers

22% talk to a parent

11% cry
A wide variety of experts have recommendations about methods that help
children manage stress. The following section is a compilation from various
sources (American Psychological Association, 2014, American Psychological
Association, 2010, Kids Health, 2014b, Psych Central, 2014a, Psych Central,
2014b, Revelant, 2014, WebMD.com, 2015)
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
Stop overscheduling.

Make sleep a priority. Exercise helps. So does relaxation before sleep.
Helping Children Manage Stress

Manage your own stress. Model coping strategies - If you can’t handle
your stress, your children will never learn to either. So the next time you
have a tough day at work, it’s OK to tell your kids why you were upset –
but say something that puts the situation in perspective and don’t make
them stress about it.

Make mornings calmer. Plan ahead. Identify the things that make
mornings stressful, then brainstorm with your children ways to reduce
or eliminate the stressors.

Prepare your kids to deal with mistakes. Mistakes will happen. While it’s
good to dream and important to have high expectations, don’t put so
much pressure on your children that they can’t deal with failure.
Mistakes help children learn. Michael Jordan, the Gold Medal winning,
MBA star said, “I’ve missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I’ve lost
almost 300 games. Twenty-six times I’ve been trusted to take the game
winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my
life. And that is why I succeed.”

Learn relaxation. Try yoga, gentle stretching, quiet music, creative
visualization.

Make time for play. Unstructured play time is best; try kick ball, jump
rope, skating, dog walking.

Exercise. The importance of exercise cannot be over emphasized.
Children have got to get out and move around. Try some of these.
o
Team sports boost self-confidence.
o
Martial arts reduce restlessness.
o
Walking and running increase endorphins. They are also good
modes of transportation. So is riding a bicycle.
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Helping Children Manage Stress
o
Quick breaks for jumping, hoola hooping, dancing improve
concentration &
mood.
o
Dance. Host an afterschool one-hour
dance party before
homework to
encourage
socialization,
relaxation, improved
concentration and mood. This works best with younger kids. Ask
a local teen to come give a 15-minute lesson to get things
started.
o
Daily outdoor exercise improves health, just dress for the
weather.

Geocache. Take your family on a high-tech treasure
hunt. You'll need access to the Internet and a GPS
device. The GPS on your cell phone will work just fine.
First, look up what treasures are hidden in your area on
the official Geocaching web site, then head out to find
them. Geocaching gives kids a chance to learn about the
outdoors, problem solving, and teamwork.

Swim. If you have access to an indoor pool, jump in for
your mental and physical health. Not only is swimming
the most popular athletic activity in the U.S., swimmers
tend to live longer and have better moods than people
who do not exercise.

Bowl. Fun, social activities like bowling or dance class
can keep things interesting. If someone in your family
has an "exercise allergy," bowling can make physical
activity less of a chore.
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Helping Children Manage Stress

"Exergames." Researchers looked at two games,
Nintendo's Wii Boxing and Konami's Dance Dance
Revolution. It turns out some games can boost fitness,
within limits. They do not offer as many health benefits
as playing an actual sport, but highly active exergames
are a good way to get moving on a cold or rainy day.

Avoid homework stress
o
Best place to work – wherever the child is most comfortable
(but reduce distractions)
o
Do not correct the child’s homework, but you can help teach
o
Best time for homework - After a break and a snack. Be flexible.
o
Be flexible about homework time. It doesn’t have to be exactly
the same time every day.
o
If your child is having trouble with his/her homework, talk to
the teacher before just jumping in and giving more help.
o
Researchers into homework have developed what's known as
the "10-minute rule." It suggests that about 10 minutes of
homework per grade is most beneficial. Kids these days aren’t
really doing much more homework than they were 20 – 30
years ago, it just seems that way because we’re all so busy.
o
Using computers for homework is fine if the teacher says so.
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Helping Children Manage Stress
o
Don’t criticize - Even if you disagree, never talk negatively about
homework or teachers in front of your child because it creates
fear. Always be positive and schedule a parent-teacher
conference instead.

Limit technology - Kids spend more than seven hours a day using
technology that might increase stress. So put limits on your kid’s tech
time and spend more time being active as a family.

Connect - Talk to school staff and other parents about their
observations of your child so you can keep track of how he or she is
handling school.

Get help - If school stress is affecting your child’s ability to function, it’s
important to talk to a counselor who can help your child cope.
Summary
“A rushed child is never a calm child,” said Lori Lite, author of Stress Free Kids: A
Parent's Guide to Helping Build Self-Esteem, Manage Stress, and Reduce Anxiety
in Children. (Lite, 2014) “To adults, childhood can seem like a carefree time. But
kids still experience stress. Things like school and their social life can sometimes
create pressures that can feel overwhelming for kids. As a parent, you can't
protect your kids from stress — but you can help them develop healthy ways to
cope with stress and solve everyday problems… While they may not initiate a
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Helping Children Manage Stress
conversation about what's bothering them, they do want their parents to reach
out and help them cope with their troubles.” (Kids Health, 2014b). Hopefully,
this book has given you a way to identify signs of stress in your children and
ways to help them manage.
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Helping Children Manage Stress
References
Allen and Rapee, 2009.
http://www.centreforemotionalhealth.com.au/pages/questionaire-childand-adolescent-survey.aspx
American Psychological Association, 2014.
http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/stress-children.aspx
American Psychological Association, 2010.
http://www.apa.org/monitor/2010/01/stress-kids.aspx
Kids Health, 2014a,
http://kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/feelings/kids_stress.html
Kids Health, 2014b,
http://kidshealth.org/parent/positive/talk/stress_coping.html
Lite, Lori, 2014, Stress Free Kids: A Parent's Guide to Helping Build Self-Esteem,
Manage Stress, and Reduce Anxiety in Children. Adams Media. ISBN-13: 9781440567513
Psych Central, 2014a, http://psychcentral.com/lib/7-tips-for-helping-your-childmanage-stress/00017829
Psych Central, 2014b, http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/06/06/signsyour-child-is-stressed-5-ways-to-help/
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Helping Children Manage Stress
Revelant, Julie, 2014. Handling School Stress.
http://www.foxnews.com/health/2014/01/19/10-ways-to-help-your-childhandle-school-stress/
WebMD, 2015. http://www.webmd.com/parenting/family-health12/checklist-winter-fitness?page=1
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