Got Milk!
(working title)
Presentation script - Act 1
Book and lyrics
by
Kellen Blair and Hillary Rollins
Music
by
Bill Johnson
draft 10.28.09
Hillary Rollins
1219 Ashland Avenue
Santa Monica, CA 90405
310-450-1137
1.
LIGHTS UP - CAST ON STAGE FOR
OPENING SONG
(”It’s All About Cows”)
2.
BOSSIE
TODAY THE MIDWEST OFFERS MORE THAN EVER BEFORE
THERE'S ART AND STYLE AND HISTORY GALORE
JACK
IN CITY, TOWN, AND COUNTRYSIDE
ALL
THERE'S SO MUCH TO EXPLORE
BOSSIE
SO HATS OFF TO THE GREAT LAKES SHORE
ALL
AND, ALSO, MARY TYLER MOORE
(DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA)
ANNIE
STILL, SOME UNKNOWING BLOWHARDS THINK IT'S BORING AND PLAIN
East-coast snobs!
BERNARD
ANNIE
WITH LITTLE MORE THAN FIELDS OF WAVING GRAIN
ELSIE
THEY SAY TO CHOOSE TO SUMMER HERE YOU’D HAVE TO BE INSANE
ALL
AND HERE'S THE WAY THAT THEY EXPLAIN
THIS TERRIBLE MIDWEST DISDAIN...
IT'S ALL ABOUT COWS
A WHOLE LOT OF COWS
CHARLIE
ALTHOUGH THE HEARTLAND'S MORE THAN FARMING
TIPPY
AND THERE'S MUCH HERE TO FIND CHARMING
BERNARD
STUFF YOU WON'T FIND IN NEW YORK OR IN L.A.
ALL
LIKE PEOPLE WHO PRAY
AND ACTUALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY WEIGH
BOSSIE
PLUS, IT HAS THEATRES AND MUSEUMS THAT CAN RIVAL EITHER
COAST
COWBOY AND FARMER DAN
AND, HEY, NOT TO BOAST,
BUT TWO COMMITTED GUYS IN IOWA CAN TAKE THEIR WEDDING
VOWS,
3.
AIN'T YOU IMPRESSED?
THEIR UNION IS BLESSED
ALL
AND YET, NO MATTER WHAT WE TELL THEM
AND NO MATTER HOW HARD WE SELL THEM THE MIDWEST
THE TRUTH, THEY SUGGEST, IS…
IT'S ALL ABOUT COWS!
ANNIE
You know what we’re talking about-BERNARD
East-coast snobs!
THEY THINK IT'S FOR COWS!
ANNIE
Well, it is, but it’s also for-BERNARD
A WHOLE LOT OF COWS
ELSIE
BUT LIKE THE SEXY FARMER'S DAUGHTER
THAT'S A MYTH WE OUGHTA SLAUGHTER
ANNIE, BOSSIE, TIPPY
'CAUSE TODAY THOSE DAUGHTERS TAKE A REAL DIM VIEW
OF PITCHING THEIR WOO
AT TRAVELLING SALESMEN PASSING THROUGH
BOSSIE
THEY'VE GONE TO FANCY UNIVERSITIES
AND MASTERED THEIR OWN FATE
ANNIE
THEY'RE SECRETARY OF STATE!
ALL
BUT THOUGH THESE FRAUS HAVE LEFT BEHIND
THE HAY LOFTS AND THE PLOWS,
TIPPY
THEY’VE PASSED EVERY TEST,
ELSIE
WHILE STILL FULLY DRESSED,
ALL
THEY GET DEPRESSED WHEN CITY-SLICKERS SAY…
JACK
(impersonating an “East coast snob” speak/sung)
"YOU ORIGINALLY HAIL FROM THE MIDWEST?!
OH, SURELY, YOU JEST! I THOUGHT…
4.
IT'S ALL ABOUT COWS!"
ALL
BUT YOU, YOU KNEW DOOR COUNTY
WAS THE ONLY PLACE TO BE
YOU COULD HAVE SPENT THE SUMMER MONTHS
IN LONDON OR PAREE
BUT YOU, YOU DIDN'T BUY THE LIES
ABOUT OUR REPUTATION
INSTEAD YOU BOUGHT
WHAT MORE FOLKS OUGHT
A GREAT MIDWEST VACATION!
CHARLIE
AND NOW THAT YOU'RE ENSCONCED IN
"THE HAMPTONS OF WISCONSIN"
ALL
WHO'D KNOW YOU'D GO AND BLOW YOUR DOUGH
TO SEE A CHEESY, LOW-BROW SHOW
BY ROLLINS, BLAIR AND JOHNSON…
BERNARD
Snobby east-coast writers!!!
ALL
…THAT'S ALL ABOUT COWS!
AND NOTHING BUT COWS
WE KNOW YOU CAME HERE FOR THE CULTURE
‘CAUSE YOU'RE SUCH A "CULTURE-VULTURE"
BUT OUR CULTURE'S FOUND IN YOGURT SOLD IN TUBES
ELSIE
(spinning her many udders like a
stripper)
WE'VE ALL GOT NINE BOOBS!
BULLS
EXCEPT FOR THE BULLS!
COWBOY & FARMER DAN
AND SEVERAL RUBES!
ALL
BUT LATER ON, WHEN YOU ARE PISSED NO MORE,
AND HAVE TIME TO REFLECT,
YOU'LL FIND NEW RESPECT
FOR THE COW-ARDLY WAY WE LIVE
AND ALL THE CORN-PONE WISDOM WE ESPOUSE
ELSIE
AND THEN THERE'S MY CHEST…
(SHE spins HER udders again)
BULLS, COWBOY, FARMER DAN
5.
HOW CAN YOU PROTEST?
ALL
AND THOUGH WE MAY BE SLOW, ONE THING WE KNOW
OUR BOVINE SHOW'S THE BEST!
OR, AT LEAST, IT'S BETTER THAN THE REST…
Wait, “The rest”?!
FARMER DAN
But it's the only show for miles around!
ALL
WELCOME TO THE GREAT MIDWEST!
IT'S ALL ABOUT COWS!
.
6.
ELSIE
Yes, it really is all about cows, and that was our brand new
opening number!
CHARLIE
But as far as the rest of this presentation goes, the material
you’re about to see will not necessarily be in this order in the
final show.
BOSSIE
Despite being billed as of “Act I”, our intention here is really
to present the amount of material that is already written and
which adds up to approximately half the evening, but not
necessarily the first half.
JACK
This is because “Got Milk” is a revue comprised of a series of
self-contained songs and sketches intended to be “moooo-ved”
around to create the best running order once it’s all been
written.
COWBOY
For instance, the last song in this presentation is probably not
going to end “Act I” but will most likely end the entire evening.
BERNARD
That said, when the writer’s build the final running order and
knit together the transitions, they do intend to create a sort of
overall context for all the individual bits.
FARMER DAN
Not a plot, per se, but a sense of a reason for the evening and a
sense of development so that the overall piece adds up to more
than just the sum of its parts.
TIPPY
To that end, they have created a basic group of characters -- the
herd and the folks from the opening number -- who will be seen
again and again in different sketches and contexts.
ELSIE
Of course all the actors will double and triple in other, smaller,
one-time roles as needed, but each one will also be assigned a
basic character whose wants, needs, fears, foibles and son on will
drive the piece.
BERNARD
Okay, enough bull. Let’s get “moooove” on.
called, “It Might Be...”
Our next sketch is
ALL exit except for JACK, ANNIE,
CHARLIE, and TIPPY and BERNARD.
Lights change. The group looks
off as if watching something
intently distance.
7.
JACK
Well, there goes Ted. That lucky son of a heifer finally made it!
(Yells)
Good for you, Ted!
CHARLIE
He’s off to ramble in that ranch of relaxation!
ANNIE
Off to prance in that pasture of paradise.
TIPPY
(Realizing it’s her turn)
Off to...frolic in that... field of... frivolity.
(A beat.)
BERNARD
You guys aren’t serious, right? You do know that Ted’s about to be
turned into a hamburger, don’t you?
ANNIE
Well, if “turned into a hamburger” means “exploring a new world of
never-ending happiness,” then yes. “Turned into a hamburger” he
shall be!
BERNARD
Come on, guys, quit joking around. That’s the slaughterhouse. The
barn of death? The “hang you upside down and chop off your head”
place?
JACK
(Rapidly)
I don’t know what barn you’re talking about, Bernard, but we’re
talking about that giant barn over there where all cows eventually
go and never return for mysterious reasons that nobody fully
understands except that it’s a place where all cow are undoubtedly
happy!
BERNARD
It’s a place where all cows are undoubtedly happy meals! Come on,
guys!
CHARLIE
Sometimes I lay awake all night wondering what marvels await us
there!
BERNARD
Listen, if you really want to know, I’ll tell you exactly what...
(Jack steps in front of Bernard.
“It Might Be...”)
8.
JACK
WE WONDER WHAT WONDROUS DELIGHTS WE MAY FIND
BEYOND THAT INDUSTRIAL GATE
WHERE FIN’LLY WE’LL LEAVE ALL OUR PLIGHTS FAR BEHIND
AND LEARN OUR LUXURIOUS FATE!
ALL BUT BERNARD
BUT WHAT CAN IT BE?
OH, WHAT CAN IT BE?
WE CAN’T KEEP FROM WONDERING WHAT IT MIGHT BE...
BERNARD
I’m trying to tell you guys, it’s...
CHARLIE
IT MIGHT BE A FORT FOR A MILLION TO FEED IN,
ANNIE
OR MAYBE A PORTAL TO SOME SORT OF EDEN,
TIPPY
WHERE GRASS IS GREEN
AND WARM AND DENSE,
JACK
A FIELD MUCH LIKE THIS ONE BUT MINUS THE FENCE.
BERNARD
A portal to Eden? That’s completely mad, cow!
ANNIE
IT MIGHT BE A HOME FOR THE FOUR-LEGGED “CHOSEN,”
CHARLIE
WHERE BUFFALO ROAM AS THE BULLS ARE BULL-DOZIN’.
JACK
A CHANCE FOR REST
ANNIE
(gestures toward her breasts)
AND UDDER EASE,
TIPPY
WHERE FIN’LLY WE’LL DO WITH OUR MILK AS WE PLEASE.
BERNARD
Why are you even speculating? It’s very clear! They’re going to
EAT YOU!
JACK
THIS ENDLESS DEBATING IS MAKING US FLIP,
ANNIE AND TIPPY
WE HATE THIS UNDYING SUSPENSE!
9.
JACK
THERE’S GOTTA BE SOMEONE WHO’LL GIVE US A TIP,
CHARLIE
AND NOT IN THE LITERAL SENSE!
ANNIE
Oh! Maybe it’s some sort of super-cow training facility.
JACK
Holy me, that would be awesome!
TIPPY
Or a giant party with all of our favorite cowlebrities. Like
SiGUERNEY Weaver!
Mary HOLSTEINbergen.
Jennifer ANGUSton!
ANNIE
JACK
CHARLIE
Whoa. Wait a second. Maybe inside that barn is another giant field
with another barn, which contains another giant field and ANOTHER
barn, which contains...
BERNARD
You’re all completely crazy! It isn’t ANY of those things!
ANNIE
You know, Bernard might be right.
Really?
Sure...
BERNARD
CHARLIE
(A3)
IT MIGHT BE A FAIR OR A BOVINE MOO-SEUM,
ANNIE
WITH HOOFPRINTS SO RARE IT’LL THRILL US TO SEE ‘EM.
JACK
IT MIGHT BE VAST
IT MIGHT BE DEEP
JACK AND TIPPY
WE’RE SO PERPLEXED
IT’S HARD TO SLEEP
ALL BUT BERNARD
DESPITE THE FACT
WE COUNT THE SHEEP AT NIGHT.
10.
WE HOPE TO FIND OUT JUST AS SOON AS WE CAN, AND WE
MIGHT!
BERNARD
(Fed up)
I hope so too! I hope you find out immediately so I won’t be
surrounded anymore by the society of brainless bovines!
We’re a society?
TIPPY
(Excited)
JACK
Hey look, the farmer’s coming back!
(FARMER DAN enters and walks up to
the cows. ALL but BERNARD raise
THEIR hands and jump up and down,
as if to say, “pick me! Pick me!”)
FARMER DAN
Well, Bernard, your time has come.
BERNARD
You’ve got to be kidding me. ME?! You’re taking ME?!
(FARMER DAN starts leading a
reluctant BERNARD off-stage as the
others wave at HIM cheerfully.)
ALL BUT BERNARD
(Ad lib)
Congratulations! Way to go, Bernard! You did it, buddy!
JACK
YOU’RE OFF TO A WORLD WHERE YOU’RE ALWAYS A WINNER,
ANNIE
WHERE ALL KINDS OF BIG SHOTS WILL HAVE YOU FOR
DINNER!
CHARLIE
SO REST YOUR HIDE
AND DON’T DESPAIR,
JACK AND TIPPY
A FATE LIKE YOURS
IS TRULY “RARE,”
ALL BUT BERNARD
YOU’LL FILL WITH PRIDE
AS FOLKS DECLARE, “WELL DONE!”
YOUR LUSCIOUS NEW LIFE BEING SERVED... HAS FIN’LLY
BEGUN!
11.
Lights change. Two bulls - MATTHEW
MILKTOAST and PAT BULLCANNON - and
one cow - ARIANNA HEIFERTON enter. (Or actors from earlier
scene transform into new
characters.)
MILKTOAST
You’re tuned to NBR - National Bovine Radio -- and it’s time for
Political Bull, the show that looks at “all things cow” from left,
right and center. Today we’re talking about global warming.
Representing the left, please welcome Arianna Heiferton...
HEIFERTON
(heavy Greek accent)
Hello, Matthew, and may I say, it’s about time the average, hardworking, American cow had his or her say on this hot topic. I
mean, after eight years of those pigs at the troughs ruining the
environment-MILKTOAST
We’ll get to that in a minute, Arianna, just let me-BULLCANNON
Lookit, Arianna, there’s simply no evidence that anything is
getting warmer with the possible exception of you wild-eyed
radicals gettin’ all hot under the udders-MILKTOAST
(trying to be heard over them)
And on the right, say hello to Pat Bullcannon-HEIFERTON
Well if you selfish beasts hadn’t been sitting around for the last
eight years just chewing your cud while the planet burned-MILKTOAST
(sheepishly)
Of course, I’m your moderate moderator in the middle, Matthew
Milktoast-BULLCANNON
--How would you even know if the planet was burning, Arianna?
Your herd is so far out in left field you wouldn’t recognize an
actual fact if it bit you in the hind quarters!
MILKTOAST
Let’s moooove on to the topic at hoof.
Global warming is--
HEIFERTON
--Excuse me, my “hind quarters”? Are you going to sink to that
tired old sexist manure? Commenting on a heifer’s anatomy because
you can’t deal with the fact that she actually has a brain?!
BULLCANNON
--You have a brain the size of a kumquat!
12.
HEIFERTON
We all have brains the size of a kumquat -- we’re cows!
BULLCANNON
If you milkers had stayed in the barn where you belonged and left
the real work up to the bulls-HEIFERTON
--Uh, oh, I think someone’s feeling a bit like a steer!
BULLCANNON
--Are you calling me neutered?!
If the snip fits...
HEIFERTON
(making scissor gesture toward his crotch)
MILKTOAST
Now, wait a minute! There’s nothing wrong with being a steer!
(BULLCANNON lowers horns, begins
snorting, and paws the ground with
his hooves, ready to attack.
MILKTOAST stepts in front of
HEIFERTON to protect her.)
MILKTOAST (cont’d)
Can’t we all just try to get along?
HEIFERTON
(over MILKTOAST’S shoulder, to BULLCANNON)
Where’s the beef, huh?
(BULLCANNON makes bull attack
bellow sound...)
Huuhhrrrnrrhh!!!!
BULLCANNON
(HE charges HEIFERTON and
MILKTOAST. MILKTOAST runs away
screaming...)
Mooooooo!!!!!!
MILKTOAST
(HEIFERTON stands HER ground and
is “gored” by BULLCANNON and
carried off, still jabbering at
him.)
HEIFERTON
Oh, sure, as soon as someone doesn’t agree with you you see red!
Typical reactionary reaction...
13.
(ALL exit, lights change.)
(COWBOY enters with guitar and
takes center stage. I Coulda Been
Rich By Now.)
14.
COWBOY
USED TO WRITE 'BOUT COWS EV'RY CHANCE I GOT.
HAD A NEW IDEA EV'RY DAY
BUT IT SEEMED AS SOON AS I WROTE ONE DOWN
MY IDEAS GOT STOLEN AWAY
THOUGH THE WHOLE WORLD LOVES THAT JIM HENSON FREAK
HE'D A BEEN A NOBODY NOW,
IF HE DIDN'T SNEAK THAT INITIAL PEAK
AT MY PUPPET "KERMIT THE COW"
EACH TIME I WATCH THAT MUPPET CRAP
I CAN SEE WHAT SHOULDA BEEN MINE
I COULDA BEEN RICH BY NOW
I SHOULDA BEEN RICH BY NOW
IF THEY’D DUMPED THE FROG AND WENT ALONG WITH THE COW
I'D BE A RICH MAN NOW
MOO-DE-LAY-HE, MOO-DE-LAY-HE, MOO-DE-LAY-HE!
COULDA WORN TUXEDOS AND SLEPT IN SILK
IF I'D BEEN A GIANT CELEB,
BUT THEY TOOK MY BOOK KNOWN AS "CHARLOTTE'S MILK"
AND REPLACED MY DREAMS WITH A WEB
THEN I WROTE A SCRIPT THAT BECAME THE SOURCE
FOR THAT AWFUL SHOW, "MR. ED."
SURE, THEY CHOSE A HORSE, BUT THAT HORSE OF COURSE
SHOULDA BEEN A HEIFER INSTEAD
I'M WELL AWARE THIS WORLD'S UNFAIR
BUT IT'S TIME THE RECORD WAS STRAIGHT!
I COULDA BEEN RICH BY NOW
I SHOULDA BEEN RICH BY NOW
IF A HORSE AND A SPIDER HADN'T COME FROM A COW
I'D BE RICH A RICH MAN NOW!
MOO-DE-LAY-HE, MOO-DE-LAY-HE, MOO-DE-LAY-HE!
I COULDA HAD ME A LIMOZINE
AND A SWELL TWELVE STORY HOUSE
IF THEY HADN'T TRADED MICKEY THE COW
FOR A DUMB UNLIKABLE MOUSE
They even swiped my theme song....
M-I-C
See, it's a cow....
K-E-Y
Why is that farmer touching him there?
C-O-DOUBLE-U
STILL THERE AIN’T NO CAUSE JUST TO SIT AND MOPE
AND REFLECT ON WHAT MIGHTA BEEN
I’VE BEEN DOWN ON LUCK BUT I’M UP ON HOPE
AND I KNOW I’LL NEVER GIVE IN
‘CAUSE IN TIME YOU'LL SEE I’LL BE STINKIN’ RICH
I'LL BE OVERFLOWIN’ WITH DOUGH
SEE I GOT THIS GREAT NEW EXCITING PITCH
FOR A COW-THEMED MUSICAL SHOW
15.
It'll be a great big ole' bovine review, unlike anything that's
ever been done before!
(The COWBOY freezes, looks around
the stage and at the set. Maybe
even grabs a program from an
audience member. Looks dejected).
I COULDA BEEN RICH BY NOW
I SHOULDA BEEN RICH BY NOW
BUT I LOST MY LIFE AND NOW IM HAVIN' A COW
CAUSE I SHOULDA BEEN RICH
I WOULDA BEEN, COULDA BEEN, SHOULDA BEEN RICH!
MOO-DE-LAY-HE, MOO-DE-LAY-HE, MOO-DE-LAY-HE!
16.
(COWBOY exits and lights change as
FARMER DAN enters. HE is
exhausted.)
FARMER DAN
Golly, what a day. Milking cows, feeding cows, cleaning cows,
breeding cows. Here a moo, there a moo, everywhere a moo moo! How
did Old McDonald do it? I hope I never see another cow again!
(Suddenly, FAIRY COWMOTHER
appears.)
FAIRY COWMOTHER
You shouldn't ever say such radical things! Even in understandably
innocent moments of exhaustion.
What? Who are you?
FARMER DAN
FAIRY COWMOTHER
I'm your Fairy Cowmother, Farmer Dan. So, you really think the
world would be a better place without cows, do you? Very well…
( (waves her wand)
Cows never existed!
FARMER DAN
Well, technically I said I hope I never see another cow again not that I wished they never existed.
FAIRY COWMOTHER
Yeah, well. That's your problem.
FARMER DAN
And there's no problem that can't be solved by a delicious dinner.
(He walks to the kitchen and opens
his fridge.)
FARMER DAN (CONT'D) (cont’d)
Hey! Where's the beef!?
FAIRY COWMOTHER
Beef? Steak? Burger? Cow brain stew? What are those things? Take a
closer look; I think you'll even find you don't… got milk. See,
the cartons are all empty.
FARMER DAN
If cows never existed, why are there even milk cartons in the
first place?
FAIRY COWMOTHER
How else are we going to find those damned kids?!
Good point.
I'm hungry!
FARMER DAN
But what the horse-feathers am I supposed to do now?
17.
FAIRY COWMOTHER
You're hungry are you? Makes you stop and think, doesn't it?
(Without Cows.)
18.
FAIRY COWMOTHER (cont’d)
CAN'T YOU SEE THAT EV'RY BOVINE HAS A PURPOSE?
SHOW RESPECT FOR ALL THE BANQUETS THEY ALLOW
AND A DONUTS PRETTY SCARY
WHEN IT CAN'T BE DIPPED IN DAIRY,
YEAH WE'D NEVER EAT IF NO ONE HAD A COW
THEY'RE A CHEAP AND EASY WAY TO FEED A PLANET,
SO WITHOUT 'EM THERE'S A DAUNTING LACK A' CHOW
WHEN YA GRILL AND MARINATE 'EM
EVEN VEGANS WISH THEY ATE 'EM,
YEAH THE WORLD WOULD STARVE IF NO ONE HAD A COW
WE SHOULD STOP AND THANK THE BOVINES
THERE'S A MILLION BILLION REASONS THEY ABOUND
TAKE SOME TIME TO THANK THE BOVINES
YOU DISCOVER WHEN YA LIST 'EM
HOW THEY'RE VITAL TO OUR SYSTEM,
CAUSE A MORE DELIGHTFUL FRIEND CANNOT BE FOUND
SO BE THANKFUL THAT THE BOVINES ARE AROUND!
(A SCRATCHING sound is heard.)
What's that noise?
FARMER DAN
FAIRY COWMOTHER
The starving children of the world scratching at your door. Do you
want to look them in the eyes and tell them what you've done?
Because I sure don't.
FARMER DAN
No! They'll go away. And so will you! If I just relax on my
comfortable leather chair and wake up from this nightmare…
(He SITS on his chair, then jumps
up.)
FARMER DAN (CONT'D) (cont’d)
Ouch! This chair is covered with sandpaper!
FAIRY COWMOTHER
That's right. No more leather, Farmer Dan.
FARMER DAN
Yeah, but sandpaper? It couldn't have been like… cotton or
something?
No.
FAIRY COWMOTHER
(beat)
SAY GOODBYE TO ALL THOSE LEATHER BOOTS AND JACKETS
WHAT DO PEOPLE NEED WITH CLOTHING ANYHOW?
BY THE WAY, IF YOU HEAR SNEEZING
THAT'S BECAUSE THE WORLD IS FREEZING,
CAUSE IT'S AWFUL COLD WHEN NO ONE HAS A COW.
19.
WITH NO LEATHER WE'RE WITHOUT OUR FAV'RITE FASHIONS,
PLUS THE BEDROOM SCENE IS KIND OF BORING NOW
AND WITH BELTS GONE IT'S APPALLING
HOW OUR PANTS ARE ALWAYS FALLING,
(Farmer Dan’s pants fall, he trips)
YEAH WE TRIP A LOT WHEN NO ONE HAS A COW
SO LET'S STOP AND TAKE SOME TIME TO THANK THE BOVINES
THERE'S A MILLION BILLION REASONS THEY ABOUND
TAKE SOME TIME TO THANK THE BOVINES
YOU DISCOVER WHEN YA LIST 'EM
HOW THEY'RE VITAL TO OUR SYSTEM
A MORE DELIGHTFUL FRIEND CANNONT BE FOUND
SO BE THANKFUL THAT THE BOVINES ARE AROUND
FARMER DAN
I guess there's a lot around this house that came from a cow.
FAIRY COWMOTHER
And not just this house, Farmer Dan. Look outside.
THE EARTH IS BLAND AND BARREN
NOT A SINGLE BLOOM ALIVE
WITHOUT A COWS' MANURE,
OUR GORGEOUS FAUNA CAN'T SURVIVE
FARMER DAN
What in God's name have I done?
FAIRY COWMOTHER
What in whose name? Without the most sacred creature of the
world's oldest religion, Hinduism, the whole "God thing" never
took off. Nobody can help you now, Farmer Dan.
FARMER DAN
I'm calling the police!
(The FAIRY COWMOTHER steps in
front of the phone, somewhat
threateningly.)
FAIRY COWMOTHER
The phone won't work.
FARMER DAN
Don't tell me without cows phones were never invented.
FAIRY COWMOTHER
No, you just haven't paid your phone bill in months. You're a
DAIRY farmer - how do you think you make money these days? You
don't! In fact - this isn't even your house. You're trespassing!
(A SCARY LOOKING GUY slowly
enters, pointing a rifle at FARMER
DAN.)
20.
SCARY LOOKING GUY
Get a move on, stranger! Or I'll pump your noggin' full a' lead!
(Suddenly LOUD EXPLOSIONS are
heard from outside.)
FARMER DAN
What the…? What was that?
FAIRY COWMOTHER
Nuclear war. You see…
EV'RY COUNTRY'S PLAGUED WITH VI'LENCE AND DESTRUCTION,
SINCE YOU MADE THE HEIFERS TAKE A FINAL BOW,
CAUSE A COW'S EFFECT IS CALMING
BUT THEY'RE GONE SO NOW WE'RE BOMBING.
PEOPLE HAVE A COW WHEN NO ONE HAS… A COW
FARMER DAN
I've learned my lesson!
FAIRY COWMOTHER
WHY SHOULD ALL THOSE HELPLESS PEOPLE HAVE TO SUFFER
CAUSE SOME NIMROD THINKS HE'S HOLIER THAN THOU?
I said I'm sorry!
FARMER DAN
FAIRY COWMOTHER
SO BEFORE YOU SHOUT ABOUT 'EM
THINK HOW LIFE WOULD SUCK WITHOUT 'EM,
IT'S A WORLD OF PAIN WHEN NO ONE HAS…
(Suddenly the ARTISTIC DIRECTOR of
the American Folklore Theatre
enters, confused. He stops the
music.)
ARTISTIC DIRECTOR
What's… going on here?
FARMER DAN
Um… a scene. From the show…?
What show?
ARTISTIC DIRECTOR
FAIRY COWMOTHER
Without cows around to inspire this revue, the show you're in was
never written. We're all just crazy people who broke into this
theatre.
ARTISTIC DIRECTOR
I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
(to the audience)
All of you. Please leave. Now.
21.
FARMER DAN
Wait! Please! Give me another chance! What do you want me to do?
Grovel?
Yes.
FAIRY COWMOTHER
FARMER DAN
(starting slowly)
I'D… LIKE… TO… STOP AND TAKE SOME TIME TO THANK THE BOVINES
NOW I SEE THE ZILLION REASONS THEY'RE AROUND
IT'S APPARENT WHEN YOU LIST 'EM
HOW THEY'RE VITAL TO OUR SYSTEM
THERE'S AN AWFUL PRICE TO PAY
WHEN THE COWS HAVE GONE AWAY,
‘CAUSE ALTHOUGH WE SELDOM SEE THEM
THEY'RE AROUND US EV'RY DAY
ALL FOUR
YEAH A MORE IMPRESSIVE CREATURE CAN'T BE FOUND!
(The ARTISTIC DIRECTOR and SCARY
LOOKING GUY exit.)
FAIRY COWMOTHER
You seem to finally understand the significance of cows, so…
(waves her wand)
The world has been restored to normal.
(FARMER DAN frantically digs into
his pockets, then sighs with
relief.)
FARMER DAN
Whew. Zuzu's peddles.
FAIRY COWMOTHER
Well, goodbye forever.
FARMER DAN
Wait! As long as you're here… what happens if I wish for… I don't
know… a world without violence?
FAIRY COWMOTHER
Sorry, my powers are only meant to help people learn ironic
lessons through temporary suffering. Speaking of which, I have to
fly… I think I hear your neighbor wishing for a world without
verbs.
(The FAIRY COWMOTHER flutters
away.)
22.
FARMER DAN
Well… time for me the cows. By which I… Cows… hands… bucket…
(frustrated)
Verbs!!!
23.
(THEY exit and lights change as
TIPPY enters.)
TIPPY
A world without cows?! What an awful, terrible thought!
(SHE shivers)
TIPPY (cont’d)
Shake it off, Tippy, just shake it off...breathe...
(SHE takes a cow-yoga pose)
TIPPY (cont’d)
Now think lovely thoughts...about a world without flies in your
eyes...about a world in which a mother’s milk flows for her babies
and not for “The Man”, “The Man with The Can”...
(SHE drops yoga pose)
Oh, but do you suppose there really is such a place?...I know
there is...There must be!
(Lights change to pin spot on
TIPPY. “India”.)
(MORE)
24.
TIPPY (cont’d)
It’s not a place a cow can get to by a boat or a train.
far away, behind the moon, beyond the rain...
INDIA
WHERE THE YOGIS SIT 'NEATH THE BANYON TREE
IN INDIA
AND EXPLORE THEIR SPIRITUALITY
AND FOLKS LIKE ME
CAN ROAM WILD AND FREE
FINDING THEIR TRUE PATH IN HINDU
INDIA
INDIA
WHERE A SIMPLE MAN OF GOD ONCE SAID TO
INDIA
DON'T FIGHT TO WIN, JUST FAST INSTEAD
HE GOT REAL THIN
AND THEY ALL GAVE IN
THAT'S HOW FREEDOM CAME TO HINDU
INDIA
COMING FROM THE WEST
YOU CAN'T COMPREHEND
AND YOU MAY PROTEST
YOU JUST CAN'T TRANSCEND
ALL OF IT SEEMS ODD
IF YOU'RE CHAKRAS ARE WEAK
BUT THERE'S A GOD
WITH A SIX-ARMED PHYSIQUE
WHO'LL PROVIDE RELIEF
ON A LOTUS LEAF
AND PERHAPS YOU'LL EVEN GIVE UP BEEF!
LIKE THEY HAVE IN
INDIA
PEOPLE GRIND ME DOWN SO I WANT TO FLEE TO
INDIA
WHERE THEY KINDA THINK I'M A DEITY
I’LL MARINATE
I MEAN, MEDITATE!
TILL I ACHIEVE A SACRED STATE
IN INDIA...
OR MAYBE I'LL JUST
REINCARNATE
IN INDIA
(It dawns on HER that this
probably won’t happen)
It’s far,
25.
(As TIPPY exits, ELSIE enters
stumbling and carrying a bottle of
Kahluah in one hand and a bottle
of vodka in the other.)
ELSIE
(to audience)
Well, if it ain’t the Chuck E. Cheesehead convention...
(off the bottles in her hands)
What are you lookin’ at? Ain’t you never seen a White Russian
before? Dasvidanya, baby!
(takes a swig from both bottles)
You don’t even know who I am, do you?! I mean, first it’s all,
“Miss Elsie” this and “Miss Elsie” that, and “What flavor cud
would you like today, Miss Elsie?” But when your teets run dry and
you have a few flies buzzin’ round your butt, you’re nothin’ but
twinkle in Louis Vuitton’s eye...
(swigs from one of the bottles again)
Well, you can kiss my skinny rump roast, for all I care! I may be
a dried up rack o’ ribs now, but I was big in my day! You bet
your sweetbreads, I was, I was the biggest! “Elsie”!!! Borden’s
marvelous mascot, the “It” cow! From Tupelo to Timbuktu, anybody
who ever even thought of suckin’ down a glass of moo juice knew my
name. Advertising Age Magazine voted my face one of the top ten
icons of all time! Before Joe Camel, before the Energizer Bunny,
there was...“Elsie!”
(Lights change. “Big Fat Cow Part 1”
(MORE)
26.
ELSIE (cont'd)
...Ah, those were the good old days, when the hay was stacked...
(off her udders)
...And so was I.
I WAS A LADY OF LACTATION
WITH A BULGING BAG
NOW I NEED A SHOT OF HORMONES
FROM SOME KNOCKED-UP NAG
STILL, THE MEMORIES LIFT MY SPIRITS
WHEN THE MAMMARIES SAG
THE MEMORIES OF THE DAYS I WAS A BIG FAT COW!
WHEN A COW IS YOUNG AND BEEFY
SHE CAN STRUT HER STUFF WITH PRIDE,
BUT TIME’S A THIEF AND SERVES UP GRIEF
WITH PAIN ON THE SIDE
AND SOON HER FULL-GRAIN LEATHER FACE
IS WORN-OUT NAUGAHYDE!
OH TAKE ME BACK TO WHEN I WAS A BIG FAT COW!
AS MILK-FED VEAL
I’D HAVE HAD TO BE HOUDINI
TO ESCAPE THE SCALLOPINI
AND THE PARMESAN
SO I CUT A DEAL
I’D SELL THEIR CHEESE AND BUTTER
BUT THEY THREW ME IN THE GUTTER
WHEN MY LOOKS WERE GONE!
THEY USED MY IMAGE EVERYWHERE THAT
BUT IMAGES STAY FRESH WHILE LIVING
AND NOW I’M OUT TO PASTURE WITH MY
MY TALE ABOUT THE DAYS I WAS A BIG
MILK WAS SOLD
FLESH GROWS OLD
TALE UNTOLD!
FAT COW!
It all began when I was just a chorus cow in the dairy exhibit at
the 1939 World’s Fair...
(A large rotating platform with
automatic milking-machines circa
1939 appears on stage with a bevy
of bovine beauties hooked up to
them. As they’re milked, they
dance and the platform rotates ala
a Busby Berkley production number.
Among them is Young Elsie, whom
Old Elsie watches with longing. A
gathering of fair-goers are
enthralled and applaud wildly.
Off to the side, a Borden’s
executive and an ad man are
watching.)
COW CHORUS
IT’S BORDEN’S MILK WITH A CAPITAL “B”
27.
IT’S HEALTHY STUFF FOR YOU AND ME
WHITE AS SNOW, SMOOTH AS SILK
THE ANGUS SISTERS SAY, MOO, MOO, MOO, MOO
DRINK BORDEN’S MILK
SKOO-BE-DO-WAH!
EXEC
It’s a hit! They love the Rotolactor! This show is going to put
Borden’s on the map! You’re a genius, Reid, an advertising
genius!
AD MAN
It’s show biz -- everyone’s a friggin’ genius.
tell you!
What do you mean?
It’s not enough, I
EXEC
AD MAN
The crowd only watches when it’s milking time! In between, we’ve
got nothin’. What if we found a cow so lovely, so talented, so
fat, that they just couldn’t resist her, even between milkings?!
EXEC
Sure, but where would we find an animal like that?!
(At that moment YOUNG ELSIE makes
a mistake in the dance and falls
down because she’s so fat. The
crowd gasps. YOUNG ELSIE shouts
back at them...)
YOUNG ELSIE
What are you looking at? Ain’t you never seen ‘cow tipping’
before?!
(The startled crowd begins to
laugh, applaud and relax, assuming
it was all part of the
choreography.)
That’s it!
AD MAN
You’ll Do Lobelia!
I’ll do what?
EXEC
AD MAN
You’ll Do Lobelia, the cow!
EXEC
Hey, my sheep may be nervous, but I draw the line at-AD MAN
--No, that heifer! Her name is You’ll Do Lobelia...
28.
(The EXEC stares at the ad man.
They freeze, as Old Elsie turns to
the audience to interject)
Yep, it really was.
up?!
ELSIE
You think I could make this kind of manure
(She turns back to watch the scene
as it unfreezes.)
Okay.
EXEC
But she’ll need a stage name...
AD MAN
How about “Francis Gumm?”
(They freeze. “BIG FAT COW - PART
2”)
29.
ELSIE
They settled on “Elsie” and a star was born...
I WAS JUST A HOOFIN’ HEIFER IN THE CHORUS LINE
TILL THEY BRANDED ME A BRAND NAME BACK IN ‘39
AND SOON THE GRASS WAS GREENER AND THE OATS MORE DIVINE!
I LIVED THE LIFE OF RILEY AS A BIG, FAT, COW!
By the time the fair closed in 1940 I was a household name. Why, I
was bigger than cheeses!
(She stares the audience down for
a beat, then chastises them in an
ad lib manner.)
Don’t get your panties in a twist, I said, “Cheeses...like
camembert or brie...But I was, I was more famous than Mickey
Mouse! I had my own radio spots, I got my own fan mail, why I
even starred in a movie. That’s right, an RKO Feature entitled,
“Little Men”! It was on the set of that picture that I met a
handsome young stunt bull named Elmer...
(Old Elsie turns to watch the
scene as a DIRECTOR enters,
followed by YOUNG ELSIE in full
costume and make-up and an ACTRESS
dressed as a Louisa May Alcott
character with a milking pail and
three legged stool.)
Moooo!
Quiet on the set!
YOUNG ELSIE
DIRECTOR
Rolling! And...action!
ACTRESS
There’s my good girl -- ready for your milking, Missy?
(As the ACTRESS sits about to milk
YOUNG ELSIE ELMER THE BULL enters.
He’s a hunk. ELSIE and ELMER lock
eyes and SHE goes into heat,
kicking the ACTRESS in the head,
knocking HER and HER milking
equipment over as ELMER goes after
ELSIE and all hell breaks loose. )
Cut!
DIRECTOR
(The scene freezes and OLD ELSIE
takes the focus again.)
30.
I was over the moon!
ELSIE
HE WAS A RODEO REBEL
WITH BUCKING-BRONCO MOVES
I WAS A WELL-BRED JERSEY
BUT HE SWEPT ME OFF MY HOOVES
I THOUGHT WE’D HAVE A FUTURE
IN A LONG BARN BUILT FOR TWO
BUT HE WOULDN'T GO TO WORK, HE
ACTED LIKE A REAL BEEF JERKY,
SO I HAD THEM TURN HIM INTO GLUE!
(Lights come up on another part of
the stage illuminating a giant
bottle of Elmer's Glue on a
pedestal with candles and white
lilies, as if it were a funerary
urn)
ELSIE (cont’d)
I told everyone he'd gone off for a peccadillo with a picador from
Pocoima, but…
(takes a swig) )
Oh, what the hell, that’s all just spilt milk, right? I bought me
a fine "Cowdillac" and took my act on the road!
(During the following YOUNG ELSIE
and others enact a “whirlwind US
tour” montage where we see HER
being loved and adored by crowds
all wearing milk mustaches.)
I HAD MY CHARMS DISPLAYED UPON
WITH OPEN ARMS THEY GREETED ME
AND I WAS THROUGH WITH FARMING
THIS FEMME WAS QUITE THE CREME
A BIG MARQUIS
FROM SEA TO SEA
ONCE I’D BEEN TO PAREE!
DE LA CREME OF BIG FAT COWS!
But it wasn’t enough. I wanted more, I wanted to be a star on the
Great White Milky Way! That’s right, Broadway! Sure, I’d been in
pictures, but there’s no place like the theatre, where it ain’t
over til the four-footed fatso sings! So one fateful day, I set
out from Rahway, New Jersey to Shubert Alley, the heart of the New
York theatre district, when all of a sudden my truck was hit from
behind...
(SHE whips off the wilted daisy
neck piece to reveal a cervical
neck brace.)
After the accident, it was all down hill.
tranquilizers for the pain.
(MORE)
I got hooked on horse
31.
ELSIE (cont’d)
The Borden people told everyone I was too injured to be saved,
that they’d had to “put me to sleep” for my own good, but the
rumors of my euthanasia were highly exaggerated! It was all a bum
steer. God, I get sick to my four stomachs just thinking about it.
The truth was...
I’D PASSED MY PRIME
TURNED MANGY, THIN AND BONY
THAT’S WHEN HIRED THOSE PHONY
ELSIES IN DISGUISE
(Younger cows wearing copycat
daisy neck pieces enter and parade
around like super-models)
THEY LOOKED SUBLIME
THEY’D POSED FOR BEN AND JERRY’S,
FOR CALIFORNIA DAIRIES
AND THOSE GATEWAY GUYS
BUT THEY’LL GROW OLD THEMSELVES SOMEDAY AND HIT A WALL
AND I’LL BE THERE APPLAUDING FROM A FRONT ROW STALL!
I KNOW I SHOULDN’T GET A KICK FROM WATCHING THEM FALL
(SHE trips THEM and THEY go down like
dominos)
BUT THE MILK OF KINDNESS ONLY FLOWS IN BIG FAT COWS!
Now I know what you’re thinking. “At least you had your day,
Elsie! What about the rest of us, whose creme never rose to the
top, who just couldn’t gain a pound, no matter what we did. Oh,
we tried,” you say, “We stuffed our faces with everything in
sight, but no matter what we did, no matter how much we ate, we
just keep losing weight!” I know, it’s not fair, but that’s the
way it is. So forget about it, ladies, let your skinny-freak-flag
fly! Besides, I may have been the biggest bovine the world has
ever known, but I didn’t have something wonderful that ya’ll do
have...that’s right, that fine load of bull sittin’ next you
tonight...your man! So go on, guys, let her know how lucky she
is...turn to her right now and tell her, “Honey, to me you’ll
always be a big, fat cow!”
(SHE ad libs around this until SHE
gets the whole audience to
participate.)
OLD ELSIE
SO LADIES, IF YOU’RE WORRIED THAT YOU’VE GROWN TOO LEAN
JUST LET THAT FINE BULL STUFF YOU FULL OF DAIRY QUEEN
AND IF YOU TWO CAN STICK LIKE GLUE YOU’LL SEE WHAT I MEAN-IT REALLY DOESN’T MATTER
IF YOU’RE THINNER OR YOU’RE FATTER
AS LONG AS IN THE HEART OF YOU
YOU KNOW THAT THERE’S A PART OF YOU
THAT’S ALWAYS GONNA BE A GORGEOUS BIG...FAT...COW!
32.
TIPPY and BOSSIE enter.
TIPPY
This next and last number will probably close the entire show and
be proceeded by a scene or group of scenes in which my character,
Tippy, leaves the farm...or at least tries to.
BOSSIE
But in the end, as everyone knows, you can “mooooove” away all you
want, but there’s no place like home...
(The rest of the cast enters and
joins them. Light change.
Heartland.)
33.
ELSIE
IT'S NOT A PLACE FOR DIVAS OR DRAMA QUEENS
OUR COMMON GOALS WILL KEEP US EVEN-KEELED
FARMER DAN
ENRICH THE EARTH AND RAISE IT'S YEILD
CHARLIE
SO EVERYONE'S OUTSTANDING IN THEIR FIELD!
COWBOY
IT'S NOT A PLACE YOU'LL END UP GETTING RICH
ANNIE
YOU'LL WORK REAL HARD IN ORDER TO SURVIVE
BERNARD
BUT EVERY DAY YOU'LL FEEL SO ALIVE
WE'LL WORK TOGETHER
ALL (EXCEPT TIPPY)
AND THAT WAY EVERYONE WILL THRIVE!
THE HEARTLAND
THAT IS WHY WE CALL OUR HOME
THE HEARTLAND
TIES THAT BIND AND SPACE TO ROAM
WE'LL HOLD YOU CLOSE IN OUR HEARTS
TIPPY
OTHER PLACES SOMETIMES CALL TO YOU
WITH GREENER GRASS AND SHINY FIELDS OF GOLD
BOSSIE, ELSIE, BERNARD
BUT ALL OF THAT WILL SOON GET OLD
TIPPY
AT NIGHT YOU'RE COUNTING SHEEP, ALONE, WITHOUT A HAND TO HOLD
ALL
THE HEARTLAND
THAT IS WHY WE CALL OUR HOME
THE HEARTLAND
TIES THAT BIND AND SPACE TO ROAM
WE'LL HOLD YOU CLOSE IN OUR HEARTS
REAPING ONLY WHAT WE SEW
WE'LL DO MORE WITH LESS
WE'LL BIRTH THE CALVES AND PULL THE HOE
AND HARVEST OUR SHARE OF REAL HAPPINESS
COWBOY & FARMER DAN
FOR MANY GENERATIONS WE HAVE WORKED THIS LAND
ALL COWS & BULLS
TO LIVE OUT HERE IT TAKES A SPECIAL BREED
34.
ALL
OUR ROOTS GROW DEEP FROM ANCIENT SEED
JUST ADD THE RAIN AND SUN AND EVERYONE HAS ALL THEY NEED!
THE HEARTLAND
THAT IS WHY WE CALL OUR HOME
THE HEARTLAND
TIES THAT BIND AND SPACE TO ROAM
WE'LL HOLD YOU CLOSE IN OUR HEARTS