Counseling Corner
Boundaries: The Ultimate Art of Self-Care
By Tina Yang
A boundary is an invisible and dividing line that serves to protect and take care of us
physically and emotionally. It helps us understand our needs and know what our limits are.
Moreover, it helps us develop and maintain healthy relationships. Without boundaries, we don’t
know where we are in relation to others; our interactions with each other would be chaotic and
out of control.
To some people, setting boundaries may be a challenging concept to implement because
of common myths and negative associations. Some may view setting boundaries as a selfish,
rebellious, or disobedient act. Others, when contemplating on setting boundaries, may have
feelings of guilt or worries about how they might hurt others or be hurt by others.
Setting boundaries is a skill that doesn’t come naturally, but is developed over time
through education and practice. This concept needs to be nurtured and practiced for us to be
good at it. There are many ways for establishing appropriate boundaries.
Be aware of your feelings and body sensations. How do you feel when engaging with this
person? Pay attention to any uncomfortable or discontent feelings. Ask yourself, what is causing
this discomfort? What is it about this comment or request from the person that is bothering you?
For people who cannot immediately identify feelings, it is helpful to pay attention to any
physical signs such as headaches, stomachaches, or changes in body heat.
Be honest with your feelings. When growing up, you may have been told that showing
emotions is a sign of weakness, and therefore, little by little, learned to bottle up emotions
sometimes to the point that you may not even know how you feel anymore. However,
recognizing and being honest with your feelings is an important prerequisite in learning to set
boundaries. There are no right or wrong feelings—they just are. Name the feelings instead of
interpreting how you “should” feel.
Assert yourself. Communicate in a gentle but direct and firm manner. Yes, you can be gentle
in your voice, yet firmly communicate your feelings and stand up for yourself. At times, you
may have to be more direct with some people than with others. To assert yourself, use a sentence
like this: “I feel (express and name your emotions), when you (describe the behavior that bothers
you), and I would like (state the specific behaviors you would like to see from the other person).”
Give yourself permission. Honor your feelings and give yourself permission to say no. It is
an important step of self-care. Sometimes, you want to set boundaries but don’t want to just say
no, you can propose alternative options. For example, you can say something like, “I cannot help
you with (their request) right now, but I am free in two hours (be specific with available time).
Would you like me to help you then?” Remember, you have to be comfortable with whatever
options you provide. If an uncomfortable feeling still arises, it is perfectly fine to just say NO.
Don’t feel obligated to give reasons for your response.
Know that you have a choice. As an American philosopher and psychologist, William James,
put it, “When you have to make a choice and don’t make it, that is in itself a choice.” So, yes, it
is your choice and right to verbalize and set the kind of boundaries you want with another
person. At the same time, it is another person’s choice whether or not, or to what degree, he or
she wants to change. Your choice then is to decide how much physical or emotional distance you
want to keep with that person based on his or her response.
Learn to Reach Out. As humans, we cannot live alone; we all need help or support at some
point in our lives. Allow yourself to say yes when others volunteer to help or ask you if you need
anything. This does not indicate a sign of weakness. It shows that there is a mutual trust between
you and the person offering help. Therefore, it is important to reach out to someone with whom
you trust and feel safe. When help is received, allow yourself to say thank you instead of
apologizing for needing help.
Health Watch
1. Start by identifying your thoughts, feelings, and wants. Think of what you want to
communicate and how you want to phrase your message.
2. Be as specific and clear as possible about what you want, think, and feel. Vague or
tentative statements will likely lead to misinterpretation. Recognize, be honest with, and
honor your desires and feelings.
3. “Own” your message. Acknowledge that your message comes from your frame of
reference and your perceptions. You can acknowledge ownership with personalized “I”
statements such as “I don’t agree with you” (as compared to “You’re wrong”).
4. Actually use the word "no" when declining. "No" has more power and is less
ambiguous than, "Well, I just don't think so..." or “I really shouldn’t….”
5. Make sure your nonverbal gestures mirror your verbal messages. Shake your head
when saying "no." Often people unknowingly nod their heads and smile when they are
attempting to decline or refuse.
6. Avoid feeling guilty. It is not up to you to solve others' problems or make them happy.
7. Ask for feedback and then listen carefully to the other person. Asking for feedback
can make it clear to the other person that you are expressing an opinion, feeling, or desire
rather than a demand. Listening to their feedback and engaging in a discussion can
correct any misperceptions either of you have. Encourage others to be clear, direct, and
specific in their feedback to you.
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