The Odyssey Re-Writes 1
The Odyssey Re-Writes
[The play takes place near a beach in ancient Ithaca. Sea
sounds (waves, gulls) can be heard throughout. HOMER
enters. He is old and blind. He wears a chlamys and
sandals and carries a long staff and a crude writing pad
made from parchment and stone. HOMER sighs deeply,
then feels for a place to sit. He finds a mound and sits,
expounding to himself.]
HOMER
Once upon a time, there was a small statue who wanted to be a real little boy...no no
no…too…fantastical [inspired.] It was the best of times, it was the worst...thing I’ve ever
written. [inspired once more.] A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...No, the locals would
never relate to it…
[ODYSSEUS enters wearing threadbare clothing. Helooks
unruly: long hair, wildly outgrown beard, bare feet and
appears lost as he walks past HOMER without noticing
him. HOMER listens intently as ODYSSEUS crosses.]
HOMER
You have a familiar gait, stranger. [sniffs the air.] And your scent has the salty tang of a
wayward sea traveler.
ODYSSEUS
Huh? [taking notice of HOMER.] Oh, hello. I’m sorry I’m a little out of it. I haven’t been back
to Ithaca in so long. I’m just trying to get my bearings.
HOMER
You once lived here then?
ODYSSEUS
I was born and raised here, but I’ve been away for a very long time.
HOMER
Allow me to introduce myself--I am Homer, a poet of some note.
ODYSSEUS
Homer? [pause.] I’m sorry. I’ve never heard of you.
HOMER
Really?
The Odyssey Re-Writes 2
ODYSSEUS
No offense. I’ve been far away for a very long time. I’m not up on the current fashions, I’m
afraid.
HOMER
A sailor, are you?
ODYSSEUS
Not by choice.
HOMER
How long have you been gone then?
ODYSSEUS
Not since the war. I left soon after it ended.
HOMER
Really. What is your name?
ODYSSEUS
I’m sorry. [sticks out hand.] I am Odysseus.
HOMER
[astonished.]
Odysseus! The great warrior?!
ODYSSEUS
That’s right.
HOMER
But you’ve been gone for nearly...twenty years.
ODYSSEUS
Is that what it’s been? I’ve had no way of knowing.
HOMER
I see.
ODYSSEUS
Really? I thought...
HOMER
Oh, no. I mean, I understand. [pause.] Well, sit down, Odysseus, and rest your weary bones.
ODYSSEUS
The Odyssey Re-Writes 3
Thank you. [sits.]
HOMER
This should rejuvenate you from the long journey. [pulls out a wineskin from his garment, offers
it to ODYSSEUS.]
ODYSSEUS
Again, many thanks. [drinks from the wineskin.]
HOMER
By the gods, this is simply amazing. The locals had thought you long dead.
ODYSSEUS
There were some close calls in the beginning, I admit.
HOMER
Brave Odysseus! Wily Odysseus! Designer of the Trojan Horse stratagem! Hero of the great
war! [gleefully.] Our sovereign, returned to us at last! All of Ithaca will rejoice at your return!
ODYSSEUS
Ah, that was a long time ago.
HOMER
You must have had some incredible things happen to you out there.
ODYSSEUS
Yeah...a few...I guess.
HOMER
[dramatically.]
Cast out onto the Aegean, like a starving wolf cut off from his pack, our hero steels himself to
face the unknown. Into the watery chasm he leads his men, piloting their destiny with his
wisdom and strength.
ODYSSEUS
We got pretty lost all right. Of course, I was too proud to pull into an islet and ask for directions.
HOMER
Where did you go first?
ODYSSEUS
We got shipwrecked on a remote island.
HOMER
[as if he’s fallen into a trance.]
The Odyssey Re-Writes 4
A dark land forgotten by the gods, molten hot and steam-ridden, with snarling creatures crawling
up from the Stygian muck...
ODYSSEUS
It’s actually quite temperate in the summer, a very pleasant place. We eventually came across an
elderly hermit who lived there.
HOMER
And he was actually a god!
ODYSSEUS
No.
HOMER
An enchanter!
ODYSSEUS
No!
HOMER
A...swineherd with...a nasty disposition?
ODYSSEUS
A lovely man who lodged us while we repaired our ship...in return for doing some chores around
his place.
HOMER
Ah, yes. Of course! [excitedly.] Sentenced by the old man to labors which only the great
Odysseus, cunning as a jaguar, could carry out. These harrowing deeds must be performed or the
evil hermit, with his craven jackal-heart, will slaughter our hero’s men.
ODYSSEUS
Nothing quite so dramatic.
HOMER
Please describe one of these marvelous feats to me. Perhaps it will even inspire me. I’ve been
searching for a new subject.
ODYSSEUS
Well, one thing I did was I’d take some grape leaves and soak them in sea water overnight. This
darkened them a little. Then, I’d dry them out on the beach. I’d arrange the dried leaves in a
sunburst pattern and use that as a base for a candle I’d mold from beeswax. I’d place the candles
all over the living area. It created an informal and whimsical ambiance.
[pause.]
HOMER
The Odyssey Re-Writes 5
What?
ODYSSEUS
Another thing had to do with chariots.
HOMER
A race then! The great Odysseus, speeding like a comet, challenging the gods themselves to rival
him!
ODYSSEUS
Not really. [pause.] Sometimes, I’d go into town and talk with the merchants who were selling
old chariot cars. After the war, they didn’t have much practical use. I had a pretty good eye for
spotting the really good ones and getting the price down. I’d buy a few and restore them, kind of
an on ongoing project.
HOMER
What would you do with them?
ODYSSEUS
Oh, sand them down, re-finish them, maybe paint a new design. Then, I’d fill them up.
HOMER
With what? [excitedly.] The severed head of a cyclops, maybe?
ODYSSEUS
Usually flowers or seasonal greenery.
HOMER
What are you talking about?
ODYSSEUS
I became quite adept at these skills, these things which made his dwelling more pleasant and
colorful. Like making and restoring things, or knitting.
HOMER
Knitting?
ODYSSEUS
The hermit kept a small flock of sheep that I sheared regularly. I’d use the wool to make things.
HOMER
Like...what things?
ODYSSEUS
Sweaters for my men mostly. I also made these things which fit over goblets to help keep spiced
wine warm. I call them “wine snugglies.”
The Odyssey Re-Writes 6
HOMER
Wha?
ODYSSEUS
I brought a whole bunch of snugglies back with me. I thought I might peddle them during the
open market. Do they still hold it here on Saturday mornings?
HOMER
Of course, but...
ODYSSEUS
But what? You don’t think the people of Ithaca would want to keep their spiced wine warm?
HOMER
Um...well...tell me more. What other adventures did you have in this strange land?
ODYSSEUS
There wasn’t a lot to do at night so we’d...
HOMER
Hunt dangerous beasts when the forests were as black as Hades’ blood, bows and swords drawn,
senses keen as a tiger’s.
ODYSSEUS
We’d put on these musical review shows for fun--singing, dancing, acrobatics. I usually sang
tortuous ballads about unrequited love.
HOMER
Singing. No…hunting?
ODYSSEUS
No, we had plenty of food.
HOMER
These are not the kind of adventures I thought you’d have out there.
ODYSSEUS
It was nice to take a break from plotting and killing and focus on more pleasurable activities.
HOMER
I know, but you’re Odysseus.
ODYSSEUS
So?
HOMER
The Odyssey Re-Writes 7
So, people have a certain perception of you-one of the great warriors who captured Troy, a man
of skill and cunning.
ODYSSEUS
I’m still skillful and cunning.
HOMER
But not in the way we were accustomed to. Now, you’re cunning with...housewares.
ODYSSEUS
Right, I’m thinking more long term now.
HOMER
Of course, but there’ll be this expectation of death defying adventures during your time away.
You know--clashes with the gods, getting seduced by evil temptresses, slaying giant sea
monsters, that sort of thing.
ODYSSEUS
Oh, there was a sea monster.
HOMER
There was?
ODYSSEUS
Yes, a dead one washed up on shore one day. You know you can make some really fun place
settings out of their scales if you have the following: cactus resin, powdered ram’s horn, the
mystical golden leaf from the laurel tree atop Mt. Ida, and some baby’s breath. First you take the
resin and brush it very gently on the...
HOMER
Aren’t you concerned about what the people of Ithaca will think of the new you?
ODYSSEUS
Why should I? They’re very open minded as I recall.
HOMER
But they have this image of you--brave as a lion, swift as a stallion, a scorpion’s wits.
ODYSSEUS
Why do you keep doing that?
HOMER
Doing what?
ODYSSEUS
Comparing me to...animals and things.
The Odyssey Re-Writes 8
HOMER
It’s a common poetical device.
ODYSSEUS
Well, it makes me very self conscious.
HOMER
All I’m saying is that you’ll be exalted as our returned leader. You’ll need more heroic tales than
home crafts and singing if you’re to be taken seriously around here.
ODYSSEUS
But that’s who I am now.
HOMER
It’s just not done...I mean...for the love of Zeus, man. You’re a chieftain!
ODYSSEUS
Haven’t I put in my time? Can’t a war veteran catch a break? [proudly.] I want to sing, knit,
color coordinate and accessorize the interiors of my dwelling place.
HOMER
But there’s an expectation...
ODYSSEUS
I’m not feeling so good. [rubs his stomach and looks for a place to sit down.]
HOMER
What’s wrong?
ODYSSEUS
The voyage home has made me queasy. I’d gotten so used to that darn island and those sea
rations were so heavy, all that lamb and starchy bread. I’d been eating lighter fare since I left
here. I’m as incontinent...as...an old hound with worms...as you might put it.
HOMER
I probably wouldn’t use that one actually.
ODYSSEUS
So, you don’t think the new me would be accepted now?
HOMER
I don’t know. I wouldn’t be so descriptive about how you’ve spent your last twenty years. You
need some kind of ...affectation.
ODYSSEUS
I’d rather not lie.
The Odyssey Re-Writes 9
HOMER
It would be more like reciting a story.
ODYSSEUS
What do you have in mind exactly?
HOMER
Well, I am a poet, a singer of gods and heroes. We just kind of enhance your story. Make it more
entertaining. You’re already a hero in the minds of most Ithacans. We wouldn’t have to sell it
too much. We already have a pretty good opening--war hero lost at sea, assumed dead, trying to
get home but he has to overcome a series of obstacles. People go for that kind of stuff around
here.
ODYSSEUS
I suppose what happened to me out there was rather...bland. Could you give me an example?
HOMER
Well, for instance, instead of an old hermit, who’s fond of musical theater, hosting you on an
island you could have...a beautiful but possessive enchantress holding you captive on the island.
ODYSSEUS
Y’know that wouldn’t have been so bad.
HOMER
Right., and she turns your men into something.
ODYSSEUS
Like...sea shell wind chimes?
HOMER
No, like some kind of animal. We also need you to fight something. A giant or a cyclops.
ODYSSEUS
Or a giant cyclops?
HOMER
Yeah, I could make that work. But you couldn’t beat him with physical strength. You’d have to
outwit him somehow.
ODYSSEUS
Like I used to outwit the antique chariot merchants!
HOMER
Uh-huh.
The Odyssey Re-Writes 10
ODYSSEUS
Of course when they had sales I just couldn’t resist buying something. I’d here those merchants
calling out the deals and it was irresistible to me like...
HOMER
[inspired.]
Like a siren’s song you’d have to restrain yourself against.
ODYSSEUS
Practically. I got some great stuff though. I’ve got two pairs of sandals that I can’t do without.
One pair’s so comfortable it’s like walking on a cloud, but I can’t stand the color. The other pair
has the perfect color, but they pinch something awful. It’s like either way I’m taking a risk.
HOMER
But that choice has to be made as if there were a terrible storm on one side of you and a
ferocious monster on the other. You can try to navigate between them but, ultimately, a fateful
choice has to made!
ODYSSEUS
Jeez, I’m just talking about sandals here.
HOMER
But it could be very compelling...with the right embellishment, of course.
ODYSSEUS
You’re the writer. Anything else?
HOMER
Actually, I think I have enough to start with. [stands up.] Why don’t you stay with me a few days
so we can sort all this out? My house is just down the beach here. I believe it can be seen from
this spot.
ODYSSEUS
[stands up, gazes off stage.]
Yes. [pause.] It’s pretty small.
HOMER
It will serve our needs for the time being. Now then, you came alone? None of your men are
with you?
ODYSSEUS
No, I dropped them all off on the way.
HOMER
Fine. How about your ship? Did anyone see you pull into shore.
ODYSSEUS
The Odyssey Re-Writes 11
I don’t think so. I’m anchored in that cove over there [points off stage.] It’s too bad you can’t
see it. I embroidered a design into the sail myself. [smiles proudly.] It’s a waterfall.
HOMER
Lovely. Why don’t you take the sail down and try to hide the ship as best you can?
ODYSSEUS
Okay.
HOMER
I’ll meet you back at my place.
ODYSSEUS
Very well. [begins to exit.]
HOMER
By the way, your house is surrounded by hundreds of amorous suitors who are awaiting news of
your death so they can try and sleep with your wife. Your son is keeping them at bay but you
may want to take care of the home business before you do anything else.
ODYSSEUS
[grins wide.]
Finally. A chance to kick some ass again! [pause, as he studies HOMER’s home again.] You
may want to re-think those curtains though. [exits.]
HOMER
[Pause. HOMER thinks; then, composes aloud.]
Let’s see now....
Sing to me of the man, Muse.
The man of twists and turns
driven time and again off course,
Once he had plundered the hallowed
heights of Troy...[pause.]
That will do for the first draft anyway. [smiling.] That will do nicely. [exits.]
Play Ends.