Candor 100% Responsibility Opposite Stories Allies Emotions Gossip Win-Win
Ease Sufficiency Noticing Beauty Genius Integrity Candor 100% Responsibility
Opposite Stories Allies Emotions Gossip Win-Win Ease Sufficiency Noticing
Beauty Genius Integrity Candor Curiosity 100% Responsibility Opposite Stories
Allies Emotions Gossip Win-Win Ease Sufficiency Noticing Beauty Genius
Questions for a Curious Leader
Cover
Curiosity Candor 100% Responsibility Opposite Stories Allies Emotions Gossip
Gossip Win-Win Ease Sufficiency Noticing Beauty Genius Integrity Curiosity
From presidents to parents, we make choices as leaders that matter. This deck is a tool to
prompt curiosity about our choices. Think about a challenging situation or a place in your life
where you feel stuck. Then pick a card and ask:
• Which describes my stance right now?
• Which stance do I prefer?
• Am I willing to act on my preference?
You may think there's an obviously right or wrong choice. But it's not about right or wrong.
It's about honesty. The point is to be honest with yourself about how you're behaving in this
moment. From that place of honesty, possibility emerges. This is the work of curious – and
courageous – leaders.
hopelab.org/culture
Postcard cover – back
IN THIS MOMENT
Am I staying curious –
Am I attached to
even if I’m certain
being right and
I am right?
getting defensive?
Curiosity
We create stories in our heads to make sense of the world around us. In the absence
of curiosity, our stories rule us, blinding us to other possibilities, other interpretations
of our experiences. For instance:
I wake in the middle of the night to a dog barking furiously in my neighborhood.
I lie awake for hours listening to the barking, vacillating between aggravation and
worry. What is going on? I finally call the police and report the disturbance.
Moments later, the barking stops – silence at last! – and I hear someone
knocking at my front door. I open the door to find a police officer with my dog.
Both look exasperated. It was my dog barking, accidentally locked out of the
house for the night. I’m mortified. It never once occurred to me the barking dog
could be mine.
Getting curious can illuminate alternative explanations, expand our vision, and
reveal other choices available to us. Curiosity can also save us from embarrassing
encounters with the police
IN THIS MOMENT
Am I saying what is true for
me? Am I demonstrating
Am I withholding facts,
that I am a person to whom
feelings or beliefs to
others can express
manipulate an outcome?
themselves with candor?
Candor
Search candor and you come up with definitions like “unreserved honesty without
malice.”
Speaking with candor, you can disclose what's true for you, without laboring to
manipulate the outcome. You can let go of any need to twist the facts or lie or
engineer things to protect others or yourself.
Your job gets simple: Stay squeaky clean about your intention. If you aren't trying to
teach someone a lesson or humiliate them or get in the last word, you're on solid
ground.
Jack Kornfield teaches of the power of “conscious speech”: “Say what is true, say
what is useful and kind, say that which is connected to your heart.” Try that for an
hour. It's enlivening.
Candor is liberating. No slight variations of facts or story versions to remember. No
half-truths to lead someone’s thinking. Just the straightforward truth as you see it,
delivered without malice, from your heart.
IN THIS MOMENT
Am I taking full
Am I blaming others or
responsibility for my
myself for what is wrong in
physical, emotional, mental
the world? Am I choosing to
and spiritual well-being and
play the villain, victim or
renewal? Am I supporting
hero, taking more or
others in taking full
less than 100% responsibility
responsibility for theirs?
for my life?
100% Responsibility
What does it mean to take 100% responsibility in our lives? More often than not, we
take more than or less than our share. We often play the villain, the victim or the
hero.
As victims we feel powerless, at the effect of the world around us. We take less than
100% responsibility for our lives as we look for heroes to save us or villains to blame.
As villains we are masters of the blame game. We take less than 100% responsibility
so that, when things go wrong, we can blame others. Or we take more than 100%
responsibility so we can blame ourselves. It doesn’t matter, as long as we get to
place blame.
As heroes we come to the rescue. We take more than 100% responsibility to relieve
pain or discomfort. Often we are appreciated, even celebrated, as part of the
bargain. But the relief is only temporary. Tomaintain our hero status, we seek out
victims to save and villians to vanquish. It’s exhausting.
Any of these roles sound familiar? What to do? Step out of the drama and step into
presence. Assume 100% responsibility - no more, no less.
IN THIS MOMENT
Am I seeing that the
opposite of my story is as
true as my original story? Am I
Am I seeing my stories
recognizing that the
and the meaning I give them
meaning I draw from my story
is my chosen interpretation,
not “The Truth”?
as “The Truth”?
Opposite Stories
Exploring opposite stories reveals that our interpretation of facts - our story - is
entirely subjective. We try to make sense of the things we experience and observe.
A barking dog in the neighborhood kept you up all night, and you were fuming. The
story you told was that the dog belonged to an irresponsible neighbor. In fact, the
barking dog was your own.
Peter Block explains in his book Community: "All we know that is true is that we
were born. We may know for sure who our parents, siblings, and other key players in
our drama were. But our version of all of them, the meaning and memory that we
narrate to all who will listen, is our creation. Made up. Fiction. And this is good news,
for it means that a new story can be concocted any time we choose."
What stories might you be concocting today? How are they serving you? How are
they limiting you?
IN THIS MOMENT
Am I experiencing
others as equals
and allies,
perfectly suited to
help me grow?
Am I experiencing others
as greater than me, less
than me, or obstacles in
my way?
Allies
Nora sits with her supervisor discussing a thorny personnel matter. One of her team, Stan,
has repeatedly caused trouble. Nora’s supervisor asks her if she is willing to consider Stan an
ally, someone who might help her grow as a manager. “Pay close attention to what you are
doing in the relationship and what you can learn from it,” her supervisor advises. The
thought of Stan as an “ally” seems ludicrous to Nora, but out of sheer desperation she’s
willing to give it a try. Here is what Nora learns in the weeks that follow:
• She doesn’t have to accept Stan’s behavior in order to consider him an ally.
• Getting curious when she feels aggrieved reveals flaws in the stories she conjures
about Stan’s behavior and motives.
• She recognizes a long-standing pattern of bailing people out of difficult situations
they’ve created in order to avoid uncomfortable conversations. Changing her own
behavior shifted the dynamic for her, independent of Stan's actions.
Nora works at staying curious. She focuses on her own behavior. And she stops avoiding the
uncomfortable conversations. Within six weeks, Nora has cultivated new skills she finds
valuable in many parts of her life, and (is it coincidence?) Stan makes the decision to leave
his job. Be on the lookout for allies. They’re everywhere. Sometimes learning from them will
be enjoyable. Sometimes, not so much. Either way, you get to choose whether they help you
grow.
IN THIS MOMENT
Am I fully
experiencing and
acknowledging my
emotions and then
letting them go?
Am I resisting or
holding on to my
emotions, becoming
rigid, numb, or
withdrawn as a result?
Emotions
True story: Elliot is by all accounts successful, loving, and well-regarded. But a brain
tumor in his frontal cortex suddenly renders him incapable of making reasonable
decisions in virtually every aspect of his life.
Elliot’s tumor creates a catastrophic phenomenon: His intellect remains intact, but he
is cut off entirely from his emotions. Losing his emotional capacity, Elliot is unable to
assign more or less value to any particular choice. Decision-making becomes utterly
random. His work suffers, his finances are decimated, his marriage ends.
In the book The Social Animal, David Brooks explains: “Reason and emotions are
not separate and opposed. Reason is nestled upon emotion and dependent upon it.
Emotion assigns value to things, and reason can only make choices on the basis of
those valuations. The key to a well-lived life is to be sensitive to our emotions’ subtle
calls.”
Emotions are an essential part of a purposeful life.
IN THIS MOMENT
Am I speaking directly
with the person with
Am I talking about
whom I have a concern?
others in ways that I
Am I encouraging others
would not if they were
to speak directly with
present? Am I listening
those with whom they
have a concern?
to others gossip?
Gossip
Eliminate gossip and what’s left to talk about? What would we say at the water
cooler? Would dinner out with friends be reduced to reading the menu and staring
at the garnish?
Gossip is making comments about someone that you have not made – and are
unwilling to make – in their presence.
So, is gossip really such a big deal? Here is an email from a friend that’s illuminating:
I had to tell you about this little epiphany I had recently. When I read through the
“Questions for a Curious Leader,” I groaned at the one on gossip. So I gave it a
shot. I had the urge to send a snarky email about someone, and I considered
what I would write if I thought the person I was writing about was going to read it
(not unlikely in the digital age). What I found is that I still conveyed the message
– but without the bile. And – surprise – I let go of that snarky feeling (which,
truthfully, was none too pleasant). The fire inside died down. I said what I was
thinking, and it was done – unlike gossiping, which I now see is quite a churn.
Bile. Fire. Churn. Ugh. Gossip undermines trust and fractures intimacy, making it
difficult to build successful relationships. How much happier – and more effective –
might we be without it?
IN THIS MOMENT
Am I creating win-win
solutions for any
concerns or
opportunities that arise?
Am I experiencing life as a
zero-sum game, creating
win-lose solutions for any
concerns or opportunities
that arise?
Win-Win
Many of us are competitive. We love to win – and there’s nothing wrong with that. The
problems come when we feel compelled to step on others in the process, when we must
make someone else lose.
For twins Ricardo and Silvio, every birthday became a high-tension drama when it came to
cutting the cake. Each boy vied for the chance to cut a big slice for himself, leaving a sliver
for his brother – a perfect win-lose situation. The boys’ parents intervened with a win-win
process that taught them both a lesson for life: one of the twins sliced the cake; the other
got to pick the first piece.
Gwen’s father used a comparable approach in his real estate dealings. “Never draw up a
contract that takes unfair advantage of someone else,” he told her. For him it was always
important to draft something he would be willing to sign were he the other party. Even then
the deal could fall through – and that would be okay. He believed it was perfectly fine to
drive a hard bargain and to walk away from arrangements that didn’t suit him. But it was
never acceptable to exploit another person, even if he could get away with it. And he was
quite successful and highly respected as a result.
What might win-win look like for you in a negotiation you’re having with someone right
now?
IN THIS MOMENT
Am I creating
experiences of ease,
joy and laughter for
others and myself?
Am I experiencing life
as a burdensome
struggle? Am I
judging play and
laughter as frivolous?
Ease
Maybe you woke up this morning and your first thought was, “I need to get X, Y and Z done
today.” Imagine instead your first thought was, “How can I create ease, joy and laughter as I
do X, Y and Z today?” Does the notion that your day, your entire life, could be characterized
by ease seem unthinkable? Frivolous, perhaps? Downright impossible?
In their book Switch, authors Chip and Dan Heath share this anecdote: Sanitation workers
assigned to clean the men’s restrooms at the Amsterdam airport were in an uproar. The
areas around the urinals were disgusting. The aim of restroom patrons left lots to be desired
(and hosed down). The cleanup required was time-consuming, constantly recurring and
totally revolting.
How would you solve the problem?
Here’s what they chose to do in Amsterdam: They painted a small, realistic housefly on each
urinal in a spot where, if targeted, splatter would be minimized. The result? Problem solved!
A creative, simple (and laugh-out-loud funny) solution to a labor-intensive, demoralizing
challenge.
Try it: Pick a tough challenge and ask yourself, “How might I create ease, joy and laughter in
this situation?”
IN THIS MOMENT...
Am I feeling that who I
am and what I have is
sufficient, that there is
Am I experiencing a
scarcity mindset, believing
I must grasp, protect or
enough time, money,
hoard “what is mine” so I
love, energy and any
can get enough of what
other resource I need?
I need?
Sufficiency
The feeling of scarcity – not enough time, money, support – isn’t a choice. Or is it?
Consider author Lynne Twist’s belief:
“We each have the choice in any setting to step back and let go of our mind-set of
scarcity. Once we let go of scarcity, we discover the surprising truth of sufficiency.
[Sufficiency] isn’t a measure of barely enough or more than enough. Sufficiency isn’t
an amount at all. It is an experience, a context we generate, a declaration, a knowing
that there is enough and we are enough.”
According to Twist, “In the nourishment of our attention, our assets expand and
grow.” The ability to focus our attention is key to experiencing sufficiency and
revealing possibility.
What if we brought our full attention to whatever person or task was before us?
What if we believed we were enough, there was enough to resolve whatever
challenges we faced?
IN THIS MOMENT
Am I noticing and
Am I living carelessly,
appreciating the gifts in
unaware and
my life, in whatever
unappreciative of the
form they appear?
world around me?
Noticing
To notice and to live in appreciation is to fully accept what is, to recognize both the
mundane and the magnificent, to radically embrace the world in all its terrible
beauty: a door held open, a tyrant overthrown, the skin of a newborn, the scars of a
burn victim.
Noticing is particularly powerful in our interactions with others. Failing to notice –
whether it's the barista who hands us our coffee, the coworker next to us in a
meeting, or our kids playing – disconnects us. We become dis-integrated from the
people and the world around us. Truly noticing opens us to possibility and keeps us
off autopilot.
In their book Radical Hospitality, Daniel Homan and Lonni Collins explain that in our
relationship to others, “appreciating who they are, right now at this moment, and
affirming the Sacred in them,” we come to know we are connected to a larger whole.
We can learn to take the same open-hearted stance toward ourselves. Even on our
worst days, when we notice we feel short-tempered, ugly and unlovable. Even then.
Fully noticing and living in appreciation in those moments as well is a path back to
wholeness and intimacy with the world.
IN THIS MOMENT
Am I noticing,
attending to or
creating beauty?
Am I enduring,
allowing or perpetuating
mediocrity, inelegance
or ugliness?
Beauty
According to philosopher-poet John O’Donohue, “A world without beauty would be
unbearable. Indeed the subtle touches of beauty are what enable most people to
survive. Yet beauty is so quietly woven through our ordinary days that we hardly
notice it. Everywhere there is tenderness, care and kindness, there is beauty.”
There is beauty in nature, in science, in art. In small and large ways, beauty inspires
us, enlivens us, enlarges us. We have the power to create beauty, to share it with
others, and in so doing connect with their hearts.
What might you do to create beauty today? Set fresh flowers on the table? Write an
elegant string of code? Place a note of love in a lunchbox? Plan a product launch?
Beauty visits in many forms, if we are attentive to her.
O’Donohue reminds us that the Greek word for “the beautiful” is kalon, related to
the word for call. In beauty’s presence we feel called. We can create this call for
ourselves and others, at any moment we choose.
IN THIS MOMENT
Am I fully expressing
my human potential –
my unique genius –
and supporting others
to fully express theirs?
Am I holding myself
back, choosing to live in
areas of incompetence,
competence or even
excellence, but not in my
unique genius?
Genius
You are a genius. You simply might not realize it yet. Consider the following:
Screenwriter Steven Pressfield writes in his book The War of Art that the Romans used the
word genius “to denote an inner spirit, holy and inviolable, which watches over us, guiding
us to our calling.”
Legendary dancer Martha Graham described genius as a sacred privilege and obligation to
cultivate our unique capacities. As she put it, “There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening
that is translated through you into action, and there is only one of you in all time. This
expression is unique, and if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and
will be lost.”
Whether you call it your genius, your superpower, your life force, you know it when you
experience it: complete absorption in the matter at hand and a sense of flow. Your genius is
generative and energizing.
Notice how you expend your energy, in all its forms. Pay attention to those moments when
you feel so engaged you lose track of time. What were you doing? How can you do more of
that? As Pressfield writes, “Our job in this lifetime is not to shape ourselves into some ideal
we imagine we ought to be, but to find out who we are and become it.”
IN THIS MOMENT
Am I in integrity –
Am I out of integrity,
keeping the
mindlessly breaking
commitments I make
commitments to myself
with intention?
or others?
Integrity
One helpful definition of integrity is keeping the promises you make to yourself and
others. Integrity is a practice. Mastering this practice is a lifetime’s work.
K. Anders Ericsson studied mastery and top performance in a wide array of
professions: surgery, programming, music, fire fighting. Ericsson found that “the
journey to truly superior performance is neither for the faint of heart nor the
impatient.” Athletes and musicians alike bring precise attention to the placement of
their bodies, their thoughts and their emotions as they practice. Mastery of any
endeavor requires deliberate practice that pushes you beyond your competence
and pushes the limits of your attention.
The same can be said of the practice of integrity. There are no short cuts. But unlike
training for the Olympic team or becoming an astronaut, it is never too late to begin.
In creating these cards, we have benefited tremendously from the work of
Diana Chapman, Jim Dethmer, Kaley Klemp, and the Conscious
Leadership Forum; Jim Warner; Dennis Matthies and his Precision
Questioning team at Vervago; Dave Phillips; Jack Kornfield; Dan
Siegal; Roshi Joan Halifax; Scott & Joanie Kriens; His Holiness,
the Dalai Lama; Daylight Design; and the entire staff and board
of HopeLab.
Authors
Against all odds and advice, this deck of cards was produced through a collaborative (and
really, really fun) writing process that included Pat Christen, Susan Edsall, Chris Murchison and
Richard Tate. It was an experience of ease, joy, laughter and beauty (thank you, Samovar Tea
Lounge, our office away from home). It was also a grand experiment in curiosity, candor and
100% responsibility. Throughout the experience, our questions continuously evolved - and
are evolving still. We look forward to your reflections, your questions, and your improvements
to our thinking. We love this work.
Acknowledgments card – version 3
From David Whyte’s Poem,
“Working Together”:
We shape our self
to fit this world
and by the world
are shaped again.
hopelab.org/culture
The visible
and the invisible
working together
In common cause
to produce
the miraculous.
Acknowledgment card – back