Baltimore in the Future Tense
Field of Our Future:
“The Fid”
Tom Riley
(Preferred): [email protected]
(Voice mail): 443 869-3987
Skype: Tom.Riley1945
“Baltimore in the Future Tense”
File: BFTFOFFidmmdddyy.docx
April 8, 2016
Work-in-Progress
Feedback
One Author
____________________This Paper:
This paper is the preparation work, or Field of Our Future, for a short story for “Baltimore in the
Future Tense”. This story is about efforts to address Global Warming and has the working title,
“The Fid”.
This development process is based on the Rapid Prototyping process used extensively for
product development. The details can be found at: “Field of Our Future”.
This short story is complete and edited: “The Fid” . It is the prototype for this series. Feedback
is included in this FOF.
Sonce Reese, [email protected], rewrote the lead character, Yvette Angelica Wight, and
so is credited as the second author.
_______________________________________-
Riley - 1
Field of Our Future:
The Fid
A Field of Our Future for this story is build up in a number of sections:
_____________-
Technical Elements:
Earth Rise as seen from the Moon
The following outline provides technical details most of which are related to developing AI:
1. The Big Picture
The big picture is the whole Earth as this problem effects everybody on it.
a.
The specific problem is developing Global Warming
i. Sea level rise
b.
Some level of sea level rise is now unavoidable.
c.
A greater and more catastrophic level is possible by may be avoided..
2. Sea Level Rise
a. Will rise by 2050: 1 to 3 meters
b. Will rise by 2100: 3 to 6 meters
c. The maximum possible: 100 meters
i. Just like in the time of the dinosaurs
ii. Shore line up against the Appalachians
3. Action needed
a. Reduce CO2 in atmosphere
b. Make people aware of the problem
c. Get people into effective action; keep people in action.
4. Virtual and Real Fid
a. Real needed for sake of realness
i. Many tourists will see it every year
ii. Real Fid will appear in many photos
b. Virtual needed for sake of enormous virtual presence
i. Far more people than for real
Riley - 2
ii. The project needs to go viral for full funding.
5. Virtual is subject to attack
a. Virtual site much easier to attack than real
____________Plot Elements:
The following outline contains possible plot elements related to the current state of the art in
developing AI:
1. Building a piece of art
a. Inner harbor of Baltimore
b. Metal spike 20 meters tall
c. Lighted to show sea level over time.
2. Yvette grew up tough
a. Sand Town neighborhood of Baltimore
b. Did short jail time
i. Record for drugs
c. Problems with establishment
d. Abused as a child
3. Eric grew up easy
a. Mostly white suburb of Baltimore
b. Lots of electronic toys
c. Technically competent
4. Virtual site under attack.
a. Easy to attack, hard to find out who
b. Many possible attackers
i. Not much there to steal
c. Climate deniers more dangerous
i. They do not want people’s consciences raised.
___________________________________________Clear Focus:
(Words: 39 < Target: 100)
The world’s sea levels are raising due to Global Warming. Actions is possible but only if a great
number of people are made aware and get into action. Many powerful groups have a vested
interest in this not happening.
______________Riley - 3
Feedback – Editor
One of my truths is that short stories are more difficult to write than novels.
Some would disagree. We all have our strengths. However, I love subplots, and I love the room
to explore the characters and the layers of the story. Short stories do not afford those luxuries.
Think of Luke Skywalker flying toward the Death Star.
“But the tie fighters.”
“Stay on target.”
When it comes to developing a short story, there’s no room for indulgence. The story must
have a cohesive focus. If the story doesn’t have a cohesive focus, it won’t retain its audience.
There are notes inserted in the file copy of the story. Some of that information is expanded on
here.
Story Overview
The page numbers used are in the file I’m sending. This includes comments inserted
throughout, which affects the page length of the document.
The first six pages focus on an exchange between Eric and a tourist. No real information is
presented about either character. At the end of the section we learn Eric is the lead
programmer on the art project. It’s unclear what the lead programmer does. He’s sitting on a
waterside bench, but it’s unclear what he’s doing, or why he isn’t with his team.
Pages seven through twelve cover the opening of the Baltimore Sea Spike. This seems to shift
into some sort of online event, although an earlier reference to anticipated media presence was
made. Wouldn’t a presentation of an art installation of this significance be made with a ribbon
cutting and the mayor and formal explanations to the press? Why reach out to random people
presenting themselves as jesters and bears online?
This section loses focus and doesn’t seem to connect effectively to the first part of the story.
Pages thirteen through sixteen picks up 24 hours after launch. A lot of time is spent discussing
virtual threats from hackers. The section ends with a suspected Chinese attack. There are
significant concerns by this point in the story. What is the purpose of what’s occurring? Is this
about Baltimore environmental concerns? If so, why are international spies concerned about an
art installation that’s supposed to demonstrate rising water levels? If there’s more to the story
here, it will need to pay off in the end. If not, then this is questionable.
The reality is, there’s a lot of fiction on TV that requires us to dispense with reality and buy in to
a premise that isn’t entirely plausible. Two new shows this fall – Limitless and Blindside –
require us to dispense belief, that an “ordinary” untrained individual with no clearance would
be permitted to work for the FBI. In order to do this, they have to create a step by step scenario
to lead the viewers to accept the unlikely scenario. In other words, they have to get viewers to
Riley - 4
buy in to their premise. This is harder to do than people imagine. If viewers don’t buy in, they
tune out. If readers are confused, they usually stop reading. A story has at best a page to hook
the audience, and if the audience isn’t hooked, or slips out of the narrative, there’s a strong
possibility they will abandon the story.
Pages sixteen through twenty-one appear to be set in the real world as opposed to the virtual
world. The Fid is being moved by crane onto the pilings. When does this fit in the timeline?
Wasn’t The Fid in place with the launch? However, within a handful of paragraphs the setting
shifts into cyber-tracking and building a case for criminal activity against this project.
Pages twenty-one through twenty-five cover going to lunch and talk about trying to get the feds
involved and delve into child abuse. It’s ironic that Yvette mentions how the attacks are putting
the project off message. The short story is also off message.
The final section has jumped to 2020 and is addressing the new shape of Baltimore’s harbor.
Finding the Story
Part of the problem with the story overall is that it doesn’t maintain a cohesive focus. It moves
around from a proposed art installation that will present information about risking water levels
to a virtual event to threats of international spies crashing the online events/systems, though it
isn’t entirely clear why there’d be a threat to national security, or international interest from
spies around the world.
And then there’s reference to phallic symbols and child abuse and references to crimes possibly
committed and mean websites.
In order to effectively present this story, this story needs a clear plot sentence. The plot
sentence will be the guide and filter for the information included in the story. Everything
presented should be relevant to developing a story that maintains its focus.
Is the story about the art installation and its representation of environmental information? Is
the story about cyber-attacks? Is the story about Yvette’s background?
Right now, the story jumps in the timeline and focus, and it lacks a cohesion that ties it
together. Your plot sentence – your focus – is the backbone of the story. Without it, you’ll find
yourself drifting away from the main idea, and in the end, the story will falter.
This can’t be a simple edit. You requested a creative edit, and this is part creative, and part
constructive. There are technical writing mistakes, and information on how to correct them has
been provided. However, it’s easy to address using commas compared to pinpointing the
reason the story lost its focus.
As a writer, I know that if my work loses focus, it’s usually because my idea isn’t developed
clearly, or it’s because I’ve fallen in love with some tangent, some idea or fact that I’m
Riley - 5
desperate to show off my knowledge of. Writers have to kill their darlings. They have to
abandon what isn’t relevant to the story in order to maintain the strength of the story.
Once you clarify your plot sentence, you’ll be able to start identifying the correct components
for your story. This includes setting, characters, and narration.
Story Structure
Plot twists can be revelations, or major plot moments when something big happens to kickstart the next section of the story. In the movie Streets of Fire, something "big" happens every
half hour, or every third of the movie. Built up to rescue the girl (first third), then focus on the
rescue of the girl (second third) and then making it to safety (final third).
A good book that demonstrates this structure is A Healthy Fear of Man by Aaron Philip Clark. At
the 25% mark a character is killed. At the 50% mark another character is badly hurt. At the
75% mark the main character's house is burned as a warning. The final 25% is dedicated to
resolution.
It's very common to see the use of a three-act structure in plot execution. Basically, something
extremely significant happens every third of the story. It's very common in movies. In TV
shows, we see more of a 5-10 minute set-up, with the stakes established. The resolution will
come in the final 5-10 minutes of the show. Usually the beginning of the climax is around the
50 mark of the hour. Subtract commercials and you probably have about 7 minutes of show
time from a 42-minute show.
Three-Act Structure:
http://www.cod.edu/people/faculty/pruter/film/threeact.htm
http://www.writerswrite.com/screenwriting/lecture4.htm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Three-act_structure
http://www.elementsofcinema.com/screenwriting/structure/matrix.html
http://cliffordgarstang.com/?p=4363
There are other types of story structure we commonly see. For more information, read the
articles at these links:
Classic: http://changingminds.org/disciplines/storytelling/plots/classic_structure.htm
Quest: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quest
http://commons.wvc.edu/nhoward/215/Course%20Documents/MYTH%20OF%20QUESTF10SF.
pdf
http://www2.iath.virginia.edu/ach-allc.99/proceedings/barrette.html
http://alwaysaquest.wikispaces.com/The+Quest+Theory
https://www.goodreads.com/shelf/show/quests
8 point arc: http://www.dailywritingtips.com/how-to-structure-a-story-the-eight-point-arc/
Riley - 6
Although there are popular structures we commonly see, there is technically no right or wrong
time for a twist or revelation. Movies like Memento, or Inception, are good examples. In
Memento, you realize early on that the movie is being told backwards in ten-minute
increments. In Inception, the worlds the viewer has been grounded in are actually dreams. In
both cases, those revelations set the tone for the rest of the movie and fundamentally shift the
expectations of the audience.
Character
We infer early that Eric must be more important than the tourist, because Eric’s been given a
name. However, we’re given little information about Eric throughout the entire story. Why is he
the focal character who’s present for the events?
TRUE CHARACTER is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure--the greater
the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature.
-- Robert Mckee
The trouble with too many contemporary novels is that they are full of people not worth
knowing. The characters slide in and out of the mind with hardly a ripple. They levy no tax on
the memory; they make little claim on the connecting power of identification. They make only
the skimpiest contribution to an understanding of the human situation. They leave you cold. Norman Cousins
Character development is a tough thing. It can be hard to pinpoint what makes a character real
and believable, or what makes them utterly unbelievable and phony.
If you review lists on great characters from IMDB and other TV/Film sources, a few of the
standouts that seem to appear on every applicable list include Omar Little (The Wire), Vic
Mackey (The Shield), Dexter Morgan (Dexter), Walter White (Breaking Bad), and a number of
characters from Firefly.
To learn character, character arcs, and effectiveness, it can be a good thing to watch something
(or read something) just for the purpose of mapping the character. Having watched The Wire, I
can attest to the fact that there are several other characters that could easily be contenders for
this list. Even if something isn't your personal taste, it can be better for the purposes of study.
Ask why they're believable, why people connect to them, even if they're unlikable at times, or a
criminal. Omar, Snoop, Stringer and D'Angelo are all criminals. McNulty is a detective, though
hardly your stereotypical good guy.
Give Omar a few minutes of your life. Watch this clip as Omar prepares for court (with McNulty
present):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vSxwtXUxBrI
Riley - 7
And then watch this clip of him testifying, (Stringer Bell is in the court and calls Omar a faggot
and then talks to McNulty later)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oYj7q_by_2E
One of the reason Omar Little is such a stand out character is that he actually is a bad guy with
a moral line. As he says, he never put a gun on a citizen. He tells the cops at one point that
every man has to have a code. And he lives by his code. While his moral line may not be the
same as the average person's, his own complexities and standards make him fascinating.
What is it about Omar Little that makes him President Obama's favorite character? You'd have
to watch The Wire to find out, and note from the article below that Obama also credited The
Wire as being one of the best shows of all time.
http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-31749_162-57388830-10391698/president-obama-omar-littlewas-the-best-character-on-the-wire/
In order to truly understand what makes a great character, it pays to study the greatest
characters there are, and dissect them. What makes them likeable? What makes people want
to watch/read them? What makes them distinct from all the other characters?
Many people believe that in writing, you just make stuff up and it happens. In reality, more
often than not, great execution of all the facets of a story - including the plot and character
development - come through study. So many programs and movies go for the easy fills. They
have their token gay character. They have their token bad girl and token bad guy. It's like they
fill in the blanks.
Real character compels the audience to believe this person could actually exist. Part of them
would probably want them to exist. That's most likely born out of an ability to connect with the
character, or an affinity for a character who is able to do what we ourselves are not able to do,
and recognizing the need for people who operate outside of the standard conventions of
society. That may be why the first mixed media list referenced here had Batman as the #1
character.
When you develop your characters, it’s important to consider why the story should include
them, or be presented from their viewpoint. What unique perspective do they offer and how
will that affect the presentation of the story? Make sure your characters contribute to the
storytelling effectively, and that the information you share about them is relevant to the story
told.
Charting characters:
http://www.epiguide.com/ep101/writing/charchart.html
http://www.writingroom.com/viewwriting/wr_how_to/How-To-Write-Great-Characters
http://www.right-writing.com/published-novelcharacters.html
http://moodywriting.blogspot.com/2012/06/writing-great-characters.html
Riley - 8
http://hollylisle.com/how-to-create-a-character/
http://www.dosomedamage.blogspot.com/2013/08/understanding-what-comes-from.html
Sensory Writing
http://www.brainpopjr.com/writing/poetry/writingwiththesenses/grownups.weml
http://onenorthernvoice.blogspot.com/2011/01/writing-to-evoke-senses.html
http://www.novel-writing-help.com/descriptive-writing-2.html
http://custompapers.com/writing-tutorial/five-senses-descriptive-essays/
Visual writing should be eye candy. It should all speak to my eyes and give me a clear picture
so that I can see it in my head. It's your job to make the reader feel as thought they can close
their eyes and see what you're writing about. You can't presume knowledge on the part of the
reader that goes beyond the information you give them on the page. The purpose of this
assignment is to evoke a clear image related to the sense - in this case, sight. Consider this
example: The beautiful woman crossed the street. It really tells you nothing, other than that
the POV character in the scene noticed this particular woman. Why? Was it the long, flowing
brown hair? Was it the long legs? Was it the sparkling green eyes? Was it the creamy skin,
offset by the flowing auburn curls? There are so many missed opportunities in a generic
statement like this one, because it could have told me how the POV character defined
beautiful, what struck them about the woman. I also know nothing about the street. Was it a
quiet, dead-end street where the pavement gave way to packed dirt? Was it a busy multi-lane
road filled with impatient drivers and honking horns? Here’s a simple description from one of
my own works: His face resembled a pug as the skin billowed into rows of folds. Most
readers can generate an easy visual image based on this description. It suggests state of mind
as well, because people’s brows furrow when confused.
Touch: The reader should be able to imagine they can feel what the POV character is touching.
Skin like sandpaper is an example that simply conveys the idea of rough texture, unpleasant
and uncomfortable. Smooth as silk is a common one. If describing a tree, if the writer simply
says the bark was rough, it’s a very basic, generic, mindless description. Sensory writing should
take it to the next level.
The strongest writing evokes a strong image with the reader, so that they can imagine
themselves in that moment. They want to imagine they can almost feel the velvet touch of his
smooth skin as his hand strokes her cheek. It's your job to take them there.
Smell: So often, for smell, I’m given something about flowers and spring air. The problem is
that the writer presumes knowledge that the reader might not have. What if the reader is an
inner-city kid from the rust belt who doesn’t do much outside because of a heart condition?
You can generate an impression about smell by showing reaction as much as anything. CSI is
actually pretty good at doing that. Here’s a clip - focus on the reactions. You don’t need the
description to conclude it’s a foul stench that’s extremely unpleasant:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ncPT5MmdWM
Riley - 9
Taste: “The kiss tasted like chocolate.” This could be very good, in the case of milk chocolate,
or very bad, in the case of dark chocolate, at least in my opinion. My point is that it’s a vague
description that can't fully write to my taste buds because I don't have enough information. Of
course, in presenting the information in the book, what matters is the POV character’s taste
buds, because those will explain whether their reaction is positive or negative, but the reader
should have enough information to form their own reaction. If I wrote, “The kiss tasted like
vomit,” I don’t need to explain to anyone how disgusting the character thinks it is.
Auditory: "The high-pitched squeal was followed by a roar as the car peeled away from the
stop sign, leaving tread marks behind on the new pavement." That's a weak example. When
writing to a person's ears, the goal is to get inside the sound so that the reader can get inside
the sound and actually imagine they can hear it. Here's an example of writing to sound: Her
nasal voice pitched even higher as she cackled and it sounded as though someone was
dragging long fingernails across a blackboard. There’s no mention of the shrillness, the pitch,
or how annoying the sound is, but the reader generates the same reaction because they know
what it sounds like. Another common substitution for real writing about sound is the use of
‘busy’ or ‘loud’. Busy isn't a sound. Loud isn't a sound either. What's so loud? Is it the fact that
the grocery is near the airport and the planes are flying low overhead? Is it on a highway and
there's a constant hum of cars whizzing by? Is every aisle filled with mothers with crying babies
and whining kids? To write to the ears, the reader should be able to imagine why it's noisy. If
the writer just says it's noisy, that's what's called "tell" writing.
Go to this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z6XicBBN1l4
When you click to skip the ad, close your eyes. LISTEN. The women and children in those caves
don't know what's going on. They can't see. But the sound of the thumping, and the fear of the
unknown, is enough to scare the crap out of anyone. That's how to use sound. If you have to
tell us why the sound is significant you haven't used the sound to convey the emotion of the
scene or the significance.
http://www.wallpaper777.com/wallpapers.aspx?typeid=9277
http://www.colourbox.com/image/picture-of-cheerful-little-girl-playing-outdoors-sweet-smallfemale-image-4975865
http://laverflave.wordpress.com/2011/02/07/digital-media-ilike/0e9e5ef164520954d791581ab0eec83c-d37srh8/
http://www.wallpaper777.com/wallpapers.aspx?typeid=9271
http://www.flickriver.com/photos/wonderlane/3135270696/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/werona/8148844880/
http://www.123rf.com/photo_3190729_man-and-woman-practice-yoga-in-the-woods-theylook-peaceful-as-the-sun-shines-down-on-them-verticall.html
https://www.facebook.com/1Woodland1FatBloke1Month
Riley - 10
http://freestockphotosonline.blogspot.com/2012/09/stock-images-multi-generation-familyon.html
http://thenextfamily.com/tag/matt-and-trey-adopt/
http://perezhilton.com/perezitos/2013-01-31-selma-blair-baby-saint-hiking
http://www.colourbox.com/image/grown-up-mother-and-daughter-on-walk-through-autumnwoods-image-1235968
Visual writing is probably the easiest sense to grasp, because we’re more accustomed to
describing things to people. We do it all the time, when we give directions, or try to describe a
person someone doesn’t know the name of, or even ourselves to someone we’re meeting for
the first time.
Look at each of the pictures from the links above. Look at what makes them similar. Look at
what makes them different. Then, try to imagine that you’re an alien from a different planet,
and that you’re visiting earth for the first time. You need to explain to your people what you’re
seeing. Write a few sentences for each photo to describe what you’re seeing.
DO NOT identify which photo you’re writing about with your sections. Simply separate your
descriptions with a title like ‘picture A’, or on different pages in the document, and scramble
the order from above.
Also, pick two or three additional photos you find online. Copy and paste this assignment at the
beginning of your work and add to the bottom the URLs for the extra pictures you choose so
that I can look them up as well.
As you do this, pay close attention to what makes the pictures similar, and what makes them
different, to be sure to give enough information because I’m going to try to identify which
photo you’re writing about in each section. I’m hoping this will help get you thinking about
how to really paint a visual image with your words.
Show Versus Tell Writing
There's often a temptation to underscore things that are obvious. However, the strongest
writing is writing that allows the reader to draw conclusions, rather than tells them everything.
If, as a reader, I'm told everything - he didn't like this, she didn't like that, she did this, he
approved, they cared for each other etc. etc. - I never get inside the story. It's when I'm shown
those things that depth of character and storytelling are revealed.
Watch this video clip, which is a few minutes long.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3rBS0HTIsNY
(If that clip is blocked, search on Youtube for: Lost death of Juliet)
Riley - 11
Let's look at the things that can be concluded without knowing anything about the show or
context.
The music builds tension and suggests urgency.
A guy is yelling that they're good down there. It's not a, "Hey, it's all good," casual comment.
There's angst in his tone, he's sweaty, disheveled, all of which suggest lots of physical activity,
which (because he's clearly not an athlete and several sweaty, messy, disheveled people are
helping him) suggests they're doing something important.
As you watch, consider how little importance there is in the actual words used, but the looks
they give each other, their actions, speak to the depth and nature of the relationship. When
she starts talking about coffee, there's a look on his face. He knows she's dying, because she's
disjointing from the present. That's why he tells her who he is. None of that needs to be
explained to the viewer in the moment. They never use the words, "I love you," and yet the
genuine depth and nature of the relationship is so blatantly obvious.
That's the difference between showing the audience, and telling them. I don't think you need
to be told anything to be caught up in the drama and tension of that scene.
Consider the effectiveness of me saying I'm terrified, versus showing my fear. Watch this short
clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YjJOIHb4vxs
You don't need to be told who's scared. You can conclude that by the actions of each person
during the events that are shown.
The same effectiveness can be demonstrated in the written word. Describe fear instead of
telling people someone's afraid; describe love instead of saying someone is in love. If we feel
what the character feels, we will be invested in their story and the outcome of that story.
For more information:
http://terribleminds.com/ramble/2012/04/11/a-long-look-at-show-dont-tell/
http://www.mariavsnyder.com/advice/showvstell.php
http://jerz.setonhill.edu/writing/creative1/showing/
http://victoriamixon.com/2010/12/01/the-6-degrees-of-show-vs-tell-rated-by-quality/
It is more effective to have the audience experience events rather than to simply tell them
things. Consider in the first 4 minutes of this clip how much less engaging it is to be simply told
a story. (The break to Eko’s past is not what actually happened on the real show, so the correct
narrative picks up again around the 5 minute mark.) However, the events at the end do pick up
from John Locke watching what was on the film. See how much more engaging it is to
experience the events. Would it be as effective if Mr. Eko had simply told someone else that he
had thrown John out of the hatch? You experience the emotion and feel connected to the
events because you’ve seen them.
Riley - 12
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z3Nz98Cn7nM
Compare:
The verbal recounting of events; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4wyuJfi6ihc
Seeing the events; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ng2uVUnn-YQ
Narration
You switch between second person and third person narration.
In most cases, the POV character is your narrator. Most books are written in first person or
third person.
First person: I couldn't believe Jimmy Butthead was still harassing me to do his show. The selfabsorbed, womanizing, sexist prig wasn't going to leave me alone until I agreed to be his next
victim. My agent was right about that, but there was no way in hell I was going to agree to put
myself through Butthead’s crap.
Third person: She couldn't believe Jimmy Butthead was still harassing her to do his show. The
self-absorbed, womanizing, sexist prig wasn't going to leave her alone until she agreed to be his
next victim. Her agent was right about that, but there was no way in hell Julie was going to
agree to put herself through Butthead’s crap.
Second person: You can’t believe Jimmy Butthead was still harassing you to do this show. The
self-absorbed, womanizing, sexist prig wasn’t going to leave you alone until you agreed to be
his next victim. Your agent was right about that, but there was no way in hell you were going to
agree to put yourself through Butthead’s crap.
You need to pick one or the other and stay consistent within the scene. There are ways to
alternate with different characters using different narrative styles, but that's the stuff you try
after you've got the narrative down. When you go back and forth within a scene with the same
character, it's jarring and pulls the reader out of the story.
For more information refer to:
http://blog.nathanbransford.com/2011/06/first-person-vs-third-person.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narrative_mode
http://www.tarakharper.com/k_frstpr.htm
Dialogue
Riley - 13
Show the intended emotion through the dialogue. If someone says, "What the hell are you
doing?" we can infer surprise or confusion or disapproval based on the context of the
statement. If they say, "What the… What are you doing?" we're more likely to infer surprise or
confusion than disapproval. That's a simple example of how strong dialogue does all the heavy
lifting.
Avoid using a lot of unusual dialogue tags. Things are said. When they’re exclaimed, shouted, or
otherwise expressed, the dialogue tag is doing the work the dialogue should be doing.
Dialogue is an expression of the character. How they speak can convey a lot of information
about the characters. It can infer their level of education and social class. Dialogue should be a
believable extension of the character, and if it’s used effectively, the tags are almost
unnecessary.
“Don’t worry about the noise.” Eric removed a pair of earplugs from his bag. “You can borrow
these.
The action between the dialogue connects the dialogue to the speaker without using
unnecessary tags.
One of the things you also want to think about is subtext in a dialogue exchange. A
conversation is very effective if it's working on multiple levels at the same time, which allows
more information to be conveyed to the reader in a smaller space.
It may be hard to fully grasp the significance of the subtext in a scene like this if you haven't
watched the show to this point, but this is a great example. Watch:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3OLUGEr1KwI
Two guys who've built a drug empire, but are going in different directions. One, the wannabe
businessman, who wants respect, credibility. The other, the gangster. Both have come to see
the other as a problem. Stringer has set Avon up to be arrested; he sold him out to the police.
Avon has set Stringer up to be killed. Those choices have already been made, although the
viewer only knows they're considering the options. They watch this scene and wonder which
way they'll go. It's three seasons of a show to get to this moment when they reminisce, and
both know what they're going to do, and why, but feel how hard it is to make those choices.
That's subtext, and in the context of the whole series, it's viewer gold.
Links:
http://www.be-a-better-writer.com/punctuate-dialogue.html
http://fictionwriting.about.com/od/writingexercises/qt/punctuation.htm
http://www.writing-world.com/fiction/dialogue.shtml
http://teacherwriter.net/2009/02/25/how-to-use-proper-punctuation-when-writing-dialogue/
http://www.superteacherworksheets.com/punctuation.html
Grammar, Usage and Mechanics
Riley - 14
Hyphens
If words are being used to describe someone, and they're listed, you use commas.
She was a tall, skinny, nerdy girl.
Each word can stand alone as its own modifier and make sense. She was a tall girl. She was a
skinny girl. She was a nerdy girl. That's one of the ways of knowing it should be a list.
When the words must be used together as modifiers, and probably do not make sense if
separated, they're hyphenated.
She was a seven-year-old girl. Does it make sense to say she was a seven girl? She was a year
girl? She was a old girl? That's a clue that these words are being used in combination to form
one single modifier. Without the hyphens, they're stand-alone words, and don't make any
sense as individual modifiers. The hyphens indicate the connection to the reader so that they
group the words in their mind.
Commas
Use commas after introductory phrases. After listening to several hours of testimony, the jury
needed a break.
Use commas to separate two independent clauses that are joined by a conjunction. The exhibit
on dinosaurs is no longer at the museum, but you can still see the skeleton of a giant T-Rex in
the lobby.
Use commas to introduce short quotations. The narrator says, "hello world!”
(Use colons to introduce longer quotations of 40 or more words. They should follow a complete
sentence.)
Use commas to separate two different adjectives that modify a noun. Heavy, gray clouds hung
over the village.
Use commas to set off parenthetical comments within a sentence. The candidate, who was
featured on the news, is now ahead in the polls.
Run-on sentences
Run-on Sentences: When writers join two or more independent clauses together without a
conjunction, they have formed run-on sentences. These are hard to follow and need to be
revised.
Incorrect: The grate outside the bakery seemed to rise with the sun its windows revealed all of
the cakes that had been made the day before.
Riley - 15
Revised: The grate outside the bakery seemed to rise with the sun, and its windows revealed all
of the cakes that had been made the day before.
or
The grate outside the store seemed to rise with the sun. Its windows revealed all of the cakes
that had been made the day before.
Colons and Semicolons
When a colon introduces a list, it needs to be preceded by a complete sentence, not a
phrase. The supply closet contains the following items: legal pads, pens, paper for the printer,
and binders.
Semicolons are often used to join together two closely related sentences without using a
conjunction. I did not go to the gym today; there was a last-minute task that I needed to
complete instead.
Semicolons are also used in a list of phrases that contain one or more commas. It prevents
confusion. I actually met many new people at the reunion: the new principal, who had just
accepted the position; the class president, with whom I had never spoken; and a judge from the
class of 1956.
Capitalization
Capitalization is the writing of a word with its first letter in uppercase and the remaining letters
in lowercase. Experienced writers are stingy with capitals. It is best not to use them if there is
any doubt.
Capitalize the first word of a document and the first word after a period.
Capitalize proper nouns
Examples:
the Golden Gate Bridge
the Grand Canyon
a Russian song
a Shakespearean sonnet
a Freudian slip
Capitalize titles when they are used before names, unless the title is followed by a comma. Do
not capitalize the title if it is used after a name or instead of a name.
Riley - 16
Examples:
The president will address Congress.
Chairman of the Board Bill Benson will preside at the conference.
The chairman of the board, Bill Benson, will preside.
The senators from Iowa and Ohio are expected to attend.
Also expected to attend are Senators Buzz Benson and Tippy Jones.
The governors, lieutenant governors, and attorneys general called for a special task force.
Governor Abbott, Lieutenant Governor Costello, and Attorney General Carey will attend.
Capitalize a formal title when it is used as a direct address.
Example: Will you take my temperature, Doctor?
Occupations included before names should not be capitalized.
Examples:
director Martin Scorsese
owner Helen Smith
coach Biff Sykes
Capitalize the names of specific course titles, but not general academic subjects.
Examples:
I must take history and English 101.
He has a double major in European history and philosophy.
Capitalize art movements.
Example: I like Surrealism, but I never understood Abstract Expressionism.
Do not capitalize the first item in a list that follows a colon.
Example: Bring the following: paper, a pencil, and a snack.
Capitalize the names of specific course titles, but not general academic subjects.
Examples:
I must take history and English 101.
He has a double major in European history and philosophy.
Capitalize art movements.
Example: I like Surrealism, but I never understood Abstract Expressionism.
Do not capitalize the first item in a list that follows a colon.
Example: Bring the following: paper, a pencil, and a snack.
Capitalization Reference List
Brand names
Riley - 17
Companies
Days of the week and months of the year
Governmental matters
Congress (but congressional), the U.S. Constitution (but constitutional), the Electoral College,
Department of Agriculture. Note: Many authorities do not capitalize federal or state unless it is
part of the official title: State Water Resources Control Board, but state water board; Federal
Communications Commission, but federal regulations.
Historical episodes and eras
the Inquisition, the American Revolutionary War, the Great Depression
Holidays
Institutions
Oxford College, the Juilliard School of Music
Manmade structures
the Empire State Building, the Eiffel Tower, the Titanic
Manmade territories
Berlin, Montana, Cook County
Natural and manmade landmarks
Mount Everest, the Hoover Dam
Nicknames and epithets
Andrew "Old Hickory" Jackson; Babe Ruth, the Sultan of Swat
Organizations
American Center for Law and Justice, Norwegian Ministry of the Environment
Planets
Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, but policies vary on capitalizing earth,
and it is usually not capitalized unless it is being discussed specifically as a planet: We learned
that Earth travels through space at 66,700 miles per hour.
Races, nationalities, and tribes
Eskimo, Navajo, East Indian, Caucasian, African American (Note: white and black in reference to
race are lowercase)
Religions and names of deities
Note: Capitalize the Bible (but biblical). Do not capitalize heaven, hell, the devil, satanic.
Special occasions
the Olympic Games, the Cannes Film Festival
Streets and roads
Agreement - tense
Verb Tense: When you are discussing events that took place in one time frame, do not shift
from one verb tense to another.
Incorrect: The llamas were resting in the barn, and I do not want to disturb them.
Revised: The llamas were resting in the barn, and I did not want to disturb them.
Riley - 18
Subject-Verb Agreement: Subjects and verbs need to agree in number. If a subject is plural, its
verb needs to be plural. If a subject is singular, its verb needs to be singular.
The shoe fits. (singular)
The shoes fit. (plural)
My vote is cast. (singular)
The votes are cast. (plural)
Compound subjects include more than one noun. They are often joined by one of these
conjunctions
When a compound subject uses "and" to join two words together, it requires a plural
verb. When a compound subject uses "nor" or "or" to join two words together, the verb should
agree with the noun that is closest to it.
The reels and the projector are damaged.
Either the reels or the projector is damaged.
Neither the projector nor the reels are damaged.
Pronoun Agreement: Make sure that all pronouns clearly agree with their antecedents. Use
plural pronouns to represent plural terms.
The player will end her training soon.
The players will end their season soon.
_____________Feedback – Peter Brooks, [email protected], Business person
I tried to read "The Fid" a couple of times, but could not get through it. The rest of this email
addresses that story.
I may be wrong but it seems as if you are starting the story at the climax, which is okay but you
have to figure out how to get people to care about your characters.
The formula, essentially is - world as normal, tragedy appears that is extremely frightening to
people we care about, hero solicits support of innocent by-stander who gets swept up in the
story, villain appears insurmountable, hero with obvious flaws and weaknesses manages to
save the day with support and circumstances totally unexpected.
So stories are really not about things like the Fid but they are about people. The people in the
story never change, but their attitudes change as they witness and participate in an epic
struggle that often surprises them about loyalties, power and prejudices. I guess the best
Riley - 19
example is Star Wars in which the black man - who is referred to as the "showcase negro" in
black vernacular is the most unexpected ally, with poor talent and training, and yet he is the
lynchpin which ensures the survival of the hero. So to make the Fid work, you would have to
decide who your hero is going to be and what their struggle looks like. Their struggle could be
in dealing with reality "Beautiful Mind" "Rear Window" or plain survival through a return to the
way things were "Apollo 13," or survival against a coming Panzer Division redeployment "Saving
Private Ryan" or how to kill a man that knows more and is more powerful than you are
"Apocalypse Now" "The Jason Bourne Series" or why terrorism is legitimate choice in post
colonial countries "Battle of Algiers" or how to convince the American people to send black
people off to space "Space Traders."
So, what I did, was rather than take what you had as a framework for a story, I instead used it
as a departure point. Now you have to understand, my family is Native American, so I am
coming at it from a totally different angle than you may have expected, but just as the story of
the Fid, interested you, this is a story that would interest me. I recorded some audio on my cell
phone while driving which has more detail but here is my basic framework.
Hero wakes up in futuristic Baltimore, after the great "restoration" which happened in her
childhood. The city has reconfigured itself to an elite group of people in the center at the inner
harbor and all along the water, and layers of people who service the elite progressively farther
away until you get to places like Cockeysville and Resiterstown around Baltimore and beyond
which are totally out of control and a hinterlands after a major economic, political, social and
infrastructure collapse in America which caused the great restoration to take place. The
restoration and these layers of protection were configured after a perfect storm of events that
caused disparate minority groups to attack each other over unequal distribution of resources
and power which lead to a boiling point of anger against the white man. The hero is a high level
service provider to the elite, but she is also dormant revolutionary, like her Islamic
predecessors, of course in the new Baltimore, religion is forbidden and practiced in secret, so
she somehow knows she is Muslim and like those before her she desires a return to the
Caliphate or some image of a romantic history that is somehow better than her circumstances
now. Her inspiration is a Malcolm X type prophet eager for confrontation. However, her best
friend or brother or whatever is about to install the Fid in an effort to save the world, yet our
hero has the chance, through an invitation to the christening of the Fid to kill more of the elite
people than she has ever had or will ever have again in her lifetime. The abolitionists are
depending on her to carry out this massive destruction which would mean the end of her life,
which is desirable, because she would make a big historical achievement in the effort to abolish
the elite, but she falls in love with and understands the meaning and reason for the Fid and is
hopeful for a future that is evolving and uncertain. Her death seems all but certain, either
way. Who is she loyal to? Her friends and family in the present or her ancestors and vision of
the future based on the past? Does she commit the ultimate sacrifice, or does she turn in the
abolitionists?
So this I think is a workable framework because we feel compassion for this futuristic slave
laborer with complex relationships and loyalties. The audience is engaged because they are
Riley - 20
anxious to see how this all comes out. New information is slowly revealed against this backdrop
of futuristic social problems for which we see the symptoms of in the Freddie Gray riots and
terrorism as the only viable alternative for so many people (both within the state apparatus and
those who live a completely opposite life on the other side of the world).
According to Bertold Brecht, the story should be like a sports event, with the exception that the
theater or drama should force the viewer to look within and question their own morality,
assumptions and decisions. But it is like a sports event in that you choose a side and root for
them, the outcome is totally uncertain and the dilemma or central problem deals with real
tangible emotions. For example, I root for the Redskins - despite their name because I grew up
in Washington, and my family all rooted for them so I have tangible emotions and memories
associated with that team that make me involved in their struggle. This relationship is
enhanced when there are people on the team I "like" even though I don't personally know
them, but those relationships are more important than the things like the football itself, or the
uniforms or the Fid.
I hope this all makes sense, but this is my perspective. If you want to re-write the Fid, you are
going to have to follow the formula because we know it works.
1. Introduce hero and make audience care for his or her circumstances
2. Introduce villain or threat that is more powerful than the hero and seems insurmountable.
3. Introduce innocent bystander or sidekick.
4. Raise the stakes, increase the danger and shorten the timeline (in the above story, the
abolitionists might kidnap her children).
5. Drive toward a climax where the future is uncertain and the hero finally confronts the villan.
6. Hero defeats villain, usually its a miracle or some forgotten key that resolves the conflict.
7. Denouement, attitudes are changed, normalcy re-established even if it is a new normal.
One of the things in which I was thinking about a resolution is to have the whole story take
place in the mind of an elite, because for the elite in my story, they pass the time transcending
and traveling through different planes of consciousness much like we play games or watch TV
or movies today. So its kind of a "Cloud Atlas" kind of thing, but that film also points to a new
narrative style, but then again, people generally abhor ambiguity and prefer certainty and
clarity.
Please consider using Shakespeare's "The Rape of Lucretia" as a backdrop or template for your
story.
That was basically the beginning of American or Western Civilization as we know it in that the
overthrow of the Etruscans ushered in the Roman empire which is the foundation of America.
The Rape of Lucretia is further justified as Lucretia represents the earth.
____________Riley - 21
Songs:
The following songs speak to the Baltimore in the Future Tense project:
1. Gordon Lightfoot, “Race among the Ruins” – Key line: “If you’re going to face
tomorrow, do it soon.” This song is the team for the entire Baltimore in the Future
Tense project.
____________Cast:
The outline is of suggested cast members:
1. Artist: Yvette Angelica Wight
African-American from rough neighborhood of Baltimore, Tall woman, Tough, but can be
bridle
2. Programmer, Lead: Eric
White, from largely white suburb of Baltimore, Nerd
3. Programmer, Security: Will (Willamina)
Lesbian, living in California, a character in “Master and Slave”
4. The Tourist
5. The Surveyor
6. Assortment of:
a. E-Characters
b. Trolls
c. Spies
_____________________________________Available Pictures:
The following pictures are owned by the project:
Riley - 22
Fid in a storm
Riley - 23
Baltimore Inner Harbor
Harbor dock side
Work Boat
Baltimore Science Center
Riley - 24
Rope Splice
Fid in use
Sketchup of Fid
_______________________________________Existing Project Links:
The following are Internet links to pages written specifically for this project:
1. Old Effort: The Big Moon Dig
http://bigmoondig.com/BigMoonDig.html
2. New Effort: Baltimore in the Future Tense
http://bigmoondig.com/Essays/BaltFuture.html
3. Example Short Story: “The Fid” (Words: 3952) is set in Baltimore.
http://bigmoondig.com/Stories/BFTStoryFid.pdf
__________Riley - 25
References:
A full list of references for the Baltimore in the Future Tense project is available at: BFT
References.
1. Donella Meadows, Jorgen Randers, Dennis Meadows “Limits to Growth, The 30-Year
Update” (Chelsea Green, 2004)
2. Lester R. Brown “Plan B 4.0, Mobilizing to Save Civilization” (Norton, 2009)
3. Edward O. Wilson, “The Social Conquest of the Earth” (Liveright, 2012)
4. Andreas Wagner, “Arrival of the Fittest: Solving Evolution’s Greatest Puzzle ” (Current,
2014)
5. Donald Sull, Kathleen M. Eisenhardt, “Simple Rules, How to Thrive in a Complex World”
(Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, 2015)
6. Richard Dobbs, James Manyika, Jonathan Woetzel, “Not Ordinary Disruption, The Four
Global Forces Bearing All the Trends” (PubilcAffairs, 2015)
7. Kentoro Toyama, “Geek Heresy, Rescuing Social Change from the Cult of Technology”
(Public Affairs, 2015)
8. Peter Diamands, “What the Next Generation Needs to Thrive in Exponential Times” (Internet,
SingularyityHub, 2015) http://singularityhub.com/2015/07/21/what-the-next-generationneeds-to-thrive-in-exponential-times/
9. Nick Lane, Life Ascending, The Then Great Inventions of Evolution (Norton, 2009)
10. Yuval Noah Harari, “What explains the rise of humans?” (TED, Internet, July 2015)
http://www.ted.com/talks/yuval_noah_harari_what_explains_the_rise_of_humans
11. Yuval Noah Harari, Sapiens, A Brief History of Humankind (Harper Collins, 2015)
12. “Sea Level Rise “ (Internet, JPL InfoGraphics)
http://www.jpl.nasa.gov/infographics/infographic.view.php?id=11298
13. “Earth’s Carbon Cycle is off Balance” (Internet, JPL InfoGraphics)
http://www.jpl.nasa.gov/infographics/infographic.view.php?id=11309
14. Jason DeCaires Taylor, “An Underwater Art Museum Teeming with life” (Internet, TED)
https://www.ted.com/talks/jason_decaires_taylor_an_underwater_art_museum_teeming_
with_life?language=en
15. Jonathan Gregory, “Projections of Sea Level Rise” (Internet, IPCC Fifth Assessment
Report) https://www.ipcc.ch/pdf/unfccc/cop19/3_gregory13sbsta.pdf
___________________-
Riley - 26