THE IMMACULATE CONCEPTION
ACT 1
PRESHOW-VARIOUS MUSIC
THE MIRACLE
BEAT POET ANGEL & LA VIRGEN - I am woman of great darkness
I am woman who paint the stars
I am woman of the great oceans
I am the woman of the divine sea
I am a saint woman
I am a spirit woman
I am the dark mother
The earth...
I am Coatlique
Mother of the serpent skirt
Mother of all life
Tonantzin
I am karmic action
And I’m coming to a neighborhood near you
I use to wear a headband of skulls...
Because it was cool...
My skirt was made of feathers or serpents
Depending on my mood or
What time of the month
I am a woman who lightnings
I am woman who thunders
I am a woman who is totally pissed off !!!
I am a woman who’s been ripped off
Who took my cool skull headband and serpent skirt?
I am the woman who wears a mantel of stars
And stands on the crescent moon perfectly balanced
The rays of the sun radiate from my body
Allowing me to cultivate the best roses any where
I am the woman who is known as Madre, Mother
Reina, Queen, Maria, Mary,.........Mary?
Angel - (repeats each name in poetic verse)
I am a Virgin.......
Yes I am pregnant but don’t ask me how
I am the woman who is immaculate
I am the woman who has invented herself
Ella, she... who is La Virgin de Guadalupe
Angel - LA VIRGEN DE GUADALUPE !
La Virgen - (Nauhautl speak)
Angel - she’s speaking in tongues!
La Virgen - HIJA POR FAVOR. TRAME EL AGUA CALLIENTE !
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Aangel- Now she’s speaking Spanish. Madre, careful were in California!
La Virgen - GO GET ME SOME HOT WATER!
Aangel - Oh. Ok. (Pulls Out a map of California) CALISTOGA!
SOUND EFFECTS – EARTHQUAKE
[OUT THROUGH THE VIRGIN’S CAPE COMES VARIOUS WOMEN]
La Virgen - AYE... AYE... AYE YI YI !
[La Llorona is born...]
La Llarona - Aye mis hijos!
La Virgen - No llores mas...I’ll call you Ilorona! A las dos las van a chin....AYEEEEE!
[screams segues to Soldadera’s grito]
Soldadera - Que vivan las mujeres!
La Virgen - Que vivaaaaaaan! Theres more..............[Campesina is born]
Campesina - Aye my back!
La Virgen - Aye my back too! Ohhhhh........[Marisa Tomei is born...]
Marisa Tomei - I’m so happy to be in America (she kisses the floor)!!
Everyone- Marisa Tomei!!!!
Soldadera - (with rifle)But she’s not.........
La Virgen - She’s a sister too.
Marisa Tomei - I can do Cuban accents and Puertorrican...and Mexican...arriba, arriba
an-da-lay!!!!
[All Las Mujeres think for A MOMENT then.....]
Everyone- [They push Marisa tomei back into the womb]
Marisa Tomei- I didn’t get a fake tan and gain all this weight for nothing.
La Virgen.- Ayeeee......another comes otra hermana....mechicana...hispana......latina.......
Salsa Dancer - Salcera!!!!
[All break into salsa number...while everyone dances sirens are heard. The Salsa-Faker Police
enters.]
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Salsa Police - Freeze! Don’t anybody move. Stay where you are.
[Everyone freezes . Virgen becomes statue]
Campasina- Aye dios mio it’s the salsa police!!! [she runs off into the audience]
Salsa Police- I said....DON’T ANYBODY MOVE!!!! (arms akimbo) I’ll take care of that one later. (
double take on frozen Virgen statue) You ! CUMBIA !
Salsera - Columbiano or Mexicano?
Salsa Police- Salsa smartass. Get outta here. ( all start to exit) You and you (she starts to cuff ‘em)
You have the right to remain silent....any moves you make can be used against you. According to Copa
Cabana Code, article 2, section 2 .....you two have been flagrantly faking salsa.
Soldadera - But I’ve taking lesson from her cousin Tito.
Salsa Ploice- Is he from Daly City?
Soldadera - Si.
Salsa Police- I rest my case. Come on.
La Llarona - You can’t do this to a sister.
Salsa Ploice - Tell it to the judge! (Police hauls them off...)
Soldadera - I’M telli’n Tito!
BLACK OUT
CAMPESINA
Campesina - ( sneaking back into audience)- That was close. I heard about the Border Patrol but this is
ridiculous. Daily life is so hard in this country. YOU’RE NOT even e’safe going to the neighbor hood e’
Safeway. First they round up everybody in the international food section, then they say we are illegal
aliens as if I had come from a different galaxy. I wonder if there are people like me out in those
estrellas they call the milky way. El Camino de Leche. People with brown hair, brown skin, brown
eyes... brown lipstick. They treat me like a brown peice of caca! When I’m needed I’m forced to hide
conveniently in someone’s payroll. But when I’m not needed I am forced out of this land. My people
are of this land. Esta es mi tierra. Ay madre mia, ayudame, help me understand these people in
California. I know they speak differently from me. Send meun milagro, a sign . I need to blend in.
Gracias Virgencita. ( she looks and runs)
La Virgen - I’ll try. What was that? Ay caray...those daughters have been taken away, and this one runs
away......but there’s a reason why I came. A visit. There is some strange shit goin’ down with my girls.
My homegirls. Mis hijas. Some pressing matters...matters that deal with the development of the self.
When you look in the mirror what do you see? When I look I see a woman who needs....
ESTEE LEEDIA (off stage)- Electrolosis.......
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La Virgin - I have a daughter Estee Leedia ,who says she can do miracles with anyone. I gotta check
this out.
ESTEE LEEDIA
[Estee Leedia enters w/ Lip Liner Locas.]
EL- Welcome to the cosmetic palacio of Estee Leedia facial products. Products designed for the brown
woman, the latina woman... to capture her beauty and enhance her most outstanding features... Los
labios, su piel, los ojos, and much more. Let us embark on a dramatic transformation: The before &
after, the antes y despues. We’ll need a volunteer from the audience. [Fejita Cruz runs in scaring the
Locas] You what’s your name?
FC- Feita Cruz.
EL- Ok,Yes! Welcome to my show. I’m Estee Leedia and these are my...
LLL- Lip Liner Locas! [Loca 1 shows card that says, “APPLAUSE”]
EL- Fejita Cruz recently located from Tijauna.
FC- No,soy de Michoacan.[LLL fills in card]
EL- OK, yeah, Fajita from Moochacan! READ!!!
[Loca 1 in audience w/ cards]
FC- Hola..Soy Fejita y I am very happy to be here from Michoacan to have the opportunidad to create a
new image for myself (reading from cue cards)... I come from a family of 23...23! You crazy!
EL-Notice her skin, as you can see years of contamination has greatly disturbed the outer layers of her
face....continue with your story.
FC- Vine aqui because mi tia, Este Leedia...(All Locas laugh) told me that I need to start a new life here
and part of that process would be to do a cross-over make-over, so that I could find a man to take care of
me ... yo no necesito un man, ni cross-over, ni ...
EL- O.K.!!! Fejita Cruz sit back cuz we’re gonna start the ....
LLL - Cross-over Make-over! [Cue card reads “Cross over Makeover”]
EL- First we will apply a Estee leedia Cucumber Exfoliating cleanser with ground chicharones. [applies
cotton ball. Displays dirt] See how devastating poor skin can be.
LLL - EWWWWWWW!.
EL- O.K so, queso. That’s cheese, [CUE CARD says Queso=K,So] NEXT WE GO TO THE ESTEE
LEEDIA TRIPLE FRUITATION Peach-Pina-Papaya- Lipo-Action Lotion.
LLL- With Retin- A!
FC- Mmmmmmm, smells good. Hace mucho que no como....
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EL- Next, we apply the Estee leedia avocado based protective retentive revitalizing face base.
FC - Que? You didn’t say you’ld be putting guacamole on my face...eso es muy crazy... y muy sabroso!
[she dips a tortilla in the guacamole]
EL - (nervously,)You can even eat it too! And last but not least we cant forget the Chile to bring out
that luminous look.(Real chiles sign)
LLL Dena - (sniffs chiles) Que viva la raza!!!! [Lets out long grito that blows others across the
stage]
EL - (stopping her) HEY!
LLL Dena - Sorry.
EL - Place them in one nostril each and the heat will penetrate the skin adding a certain flare to your
new look!
LLL- HOT HOT HOT!
FC - Your not putting no chile in my nose,POCHA LOCA, ya me voy,
EL- Feita Cruz, Sientate! Do you want to keep running for the rest of your life? Hiding from the
migra?
LLL Wilma - Crouching in garbage cans?
LLL Jaime - dumpsters
LLL Andrea - or in somebody’s dirty laundry?
FC - No pero....
LLL Wilma - You want to be a maid for the rest of your life? Cleaning houses...
LLL Jaime - ...taking care of little mocosos that aren’t even yours?
FC - No pero...
LLL Andrea - Do you want to be treated like an alien for the rest of your life?
FC - Noooooooo!
EL - Then you’ve got to learn how to survive in this country. We know how it is.
ALL - We’ve been there!
[SONGTIME - Estee Leedia breaks into “Cross-Over-Make-Over” Disco Medley and dance with
Lip Liner Locas singing harmony and back up]
EL- Once I was a fool, I was ignorant.
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I didn’t think it mattered if I was an immigrant
I was young and naive and I thought i would go far
I had to change, I knew I had to be a star.
My mother cleaned hotels my sister babysat
That isn’t me I’d break my nails oh I just can’t do that
I saw the reflection of myself 20 years down the line,
I said,” NO WAY THAT BODY CAN’T BE MINE”
I ran outside, out in the rain
The raindrops blended with my tears, but they could not hide the pain
Who people saw me as and who I wished to be were not the same
What is my place in this here life? How would I find my fame.
LLL - FAME! She wants to live forever . She wants to learn how to fly Hiiiiiiigh.....
EL - Then I saw the answer, lying there.
A white plastic dish that shown so bright,
Someone left pancake out in the rain.
I picked it up , It said, Max Factor.
IVORY 187...And I knew I’ld never look the same again ! OH NOOOOOOOOOOO
And then, like magic I saw a magazine lying in the gutter. It’s pages flapping like the wings of a dying
bird. I picked it up. It was VOGUE! And I knew exactly what I’d have to do.
It said inside . BEAUTY SECRETS. How to get a head by looking good and making them remember
you.
I thought of Farrah Fawcett and the chicks on Charlie’s Angels
I said watch out! I’m coming after you.
I went straight to Adrian Arpel’s at Macy’s in the city
for all these things were telling me
success was more than being pretty.
I wasn’t getting anywhere looking like a Mexican
I realized, I had to be American!
I said take it off! TAKE IT ALL OFF
Chop it , wax it, bleach it, dye it
Paint me, spray me, mold me, dress me.
Make me look different than who I am
Make me look like Pamela Anderson
FC - I want to be an American
Don’t want to be an alien
Make me oh please an American
Everything free in America...
LLL - Oh, she’ll pay.
LLL Jaime - What you want, Baby we got it
What you need you know we got it
All you’re askin’, is for a little Respect
LLL – Just a Little bit
LLL Jaime - when she gets home
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ALL - Cross it over, make it over, cross it over, make it over, cross it over make it over, cross it over
make it over.
You’ve got to turn yourself around. Time to cross over
We’ll turn you upside down, Time for a make-over
Time to do it...
LLL Wilma - Girl, my looks screamed Puerto Rican
I thought my aunt who sold Avon was a real beautician
The one thing thicker than my liner was my accent
till Estee Leedia came and gave me better chances. Whoa, ho yeah , yeah yeah
ALL - Turn yourself around. Time to cross-over
We’ll turn you upside down, Time for a make-over
LLL Andrea - Look at me once I was Just Like you.
Maybe we can give you something special too!
LLL Dena - We’ll fix you up but the way you act will be the test
We’ll create the package, you fill in the rest
All - Turn yourself around, time to crossover
We’ll turn you upside down
Time for a make-over
Time to change it, Time to feel it,
Time to face it , Time to see it.
FC - You Make Me feel like a natural woman
All - More than a woman
More than a woman should be
ooh, ooh.
EL - Cross it over make it over cross it over make it over cross it over make it over!!!!!
BLACK OUT
MIRACLE DIET
[La Virgen is reading Cosmopolitan Magazine]
La Virgen - Things have change a lot since my last appearance in Watsonville. It’s hard to make an
appearance in the city. I always end up on a radiator hose or a burnt tortilla. Oh, a hot fresh corn tortilla,
dripping with mantequilla, oozing with goat cheese. MMMmmmm I’m hungry. I better go see my comadre Frannie. She’s always cooking something good.
[Comadre Frannie is sitting in her chair meditating surrounded by diet pills, and Slim Fast. She is
setting up her diet altar to “slimness” and chanting her mantra. She shakes her diet pills. Slim
fast is a drum. She attempts to get in to the lotus yoga position.]
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C Fran - (mantra) Slimmmmm...My body is my temple...Slimmmm....Manteca NO, lechuga
SI...Slimmmm...I promise to resist the evil forces of saturated fats and deep fried calamari ...Slimmm...I
will not be swayed by the siren song of quesadilla sinchronizada, Pillsbury Buttercream chocolate
frosting, Super chimichanga with extra guacamole............Aye Virgencita, I need you. Please if you
exist, if you have compassion, save me from the last temptation of food. Show me a sign, give me
strength, a sign any sign! (no sign). Yo no quiero taco bell, yo no quiero taco bell, yo no quiero taco
bell...
[La Virgen appears in special light singing] AAAHHHHHH.......
C.Fran - Slimmmmmm
La Virgen - AAAAHHHH.....Hola mija...Francisca....FRANNIE! (hits her with rose)
C Fran - Ow. Oh Madre! La Virgen de Guadalupe! It’s you ! It’s really you.
La Virgen - Yeah I know. I usually appear on trees, tortillas, and the usual hubcap, but I decided for
you , a personal appearance.
C Fran - Wow. Well, um, sit! Yeah sit down. I mean if you want. Of course. Wow. Uh. ...How are you?
Whatcha been doing?
La Virgen - Living la vida loca. (sound cue and Virgen does hip gyrations) That made me hungry.
What’s for lunch?
C Fran - Lunch? Lunch.
La Virgen – I don’t smell anything cooking? Got any, oh I don’t know, roast pig on a spit lying
around?
C Fran - [she pulls out her notebook and her scary caliper] CARNITAS!!! Oh nonono! 4 ounces of
roast pig is 5,000 calories. No Madre, I’m on a diet . Today we’re allowed ,(hits her calculator) 47.2500
calories. Which will come from the following; 2 pieces Melba Toast valued at 10, a quarter teaspoon of
fat free mayonnaise valued at 8.5, quarter cup of non-fat cottage cheese valued at 11.5, half of a ruby red
grapefruit with one packet sweet and low valued at 17.25, one lettuce leaf FREE, leaving us with 0 for
dessert. .
La Virgen - Mija, if it’s a money problem I’ll take you to lunch. We’ll put it on my tab. Brunch!
I noticed a Kosher deli on my way down. I’m dying to try the potato latkes with extra sour cream.
Vamos.
C Fran.- No, No,No,y No! Virgincita! My comadres daughter’s quinceanera is in two weeks and I’ve
got to fit into this dress. (she pulls out lycra dress)
La Virgen - Ay mija, you’d have to break a couple of ribs to fit into that!
C Fran - I plan to.
Rosita – [enters with a Manteca tub and bag] Comadre!
C Fran - That’s Dona Rosita my co-madre. Hola Comadre. Passe passe. how are you today?
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Rosita - Ohhh comadre I’m fine. Except for this pain here, here and oh yeah, here. I’m fine. (pointing)
Ohh where did you get that?
C Fran - Get what?
Rosita – That statue.
C Fran - Comadre, that’s the Virgen de Guadalupe.
Rosita - Comadre, I know that. (goes to touch Virgen. La Virgen moves.) Uh comadre your statue is
moving.
La Virgen - Hola, Rosita.
Rosita - Hola. Ahhhhhh!(falling to her knees) Madrecita Guadalupe!. And why didn’t you tell me?
C Fran - She just appeared.
Rosita - I need to give her an offering.( getting help up from Virgen. Who heals her) I bet your hungry.
No le ofreciste nada!?
C Fran - I was gonna give her some Melba Toast….
Rosita - Comadres new diet comes with a lot of props but no substenance!
La Virgen - Sustenance.
Rosita - Ya! Whatever. (Holds up dress starts laughing. ) Sit Madre. Today I made sweet corn tamales
with my new food progressor .
La Virgen - Processor.
Rosita - Ya! Whatever.
C Fran - Oh Co-madre, you don’t understand. Virgencita, I keep having these nightmares that I’m
shopping at La Safeway and I get stuck in the turn-style with my arms full of Snack Wells! They have to
call the fire department to bring the Jaws of Life! I don’t want that to happen to me!
La Virgen - ( picking up caliper) But Frannie this is not the answer!
Rosita - Look, Chicken Mole!
La Virgen - Oh my favorite!
C Fran - This Mole is 500 flapping calorie!
Rosita - Bueno. Not to worry co-madre. Enchilada Suezas?
La Virgen - En salsa verde? Con crema?
Rosita - Fresca!
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C Fran - What are you thinking!? That’s 3 and a half inches of blubber straight to the pansa!
Rosita - And now Madrecita, I have made home-made... Churros!
La Virgen - Churros?
C Fran - Churros!? [They start fighting over the churros]
Rosita - My Churros!
C Fran - Churros!!!! [She starts loving and caressing the churros] Oh churros! I love churros!! The
sugar so sweet, the cinammon so hot. Oh so long and crunchy ...Ahh SlimmmmDisciplinnne. Give me
those enchiladas! How dare you bring this food in my house!!! How many times have I told you...(lid
falls of dish sending Fran over the edge)AAAAAAAAAHH!! They smell so good. I want to eat them I
need to eat them, I need, I need, I need love, love!! I need, sex, SEX!! SEX , LOVE, SEX, LOVE......
La Virgen - Get a hold of yourself mujer!
Rosita -Yeah! You’re gonna hypertitalate!
La Virgen - Hypervenalate !
Rosita - YA! Whatever!
C Fran - I have found wellness, I have found slimmness....(breaks down)
La Virgen - Frannie, it’s alright. you can eat.
Rosita - Food is good for you.
La Virgen - Si, mija, aqui estan las enchiladas.
C Fran - No madre. I have to focus! (flogging)Slimmmm. I lack discipline. I need a miracle diet.
La Virgen - A miracle QUE!?
C Fran - (holding magazine) Mirra, “COMPLETE WOMAN”!!!
La Virgen - “SEX MEN WANT’
“MAKE HIM CRAV-E YOU”
Rosita - “BIG HAIR”!
C Fran - This could be me...
La Virgen - Aye Frannie. She’s 6 feet tall, bulimic and airbrushed.
C Fran - Airbrushed? Is that a new diet?
La Virgen - Times are changing mija. It’s a new millenium. Your time is now. Like that chihuahua
says, “Viva Gorditas”! Look in the mirror girl! You are a beautiful woman. Perfection.
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C Fran - No! I haven’t looked in the mirror since 1979. [starts to run away but Virgen grabs her and
puts her center in front of imaginary mirror]
La Virgen - Mija,no wonder! We all looked bad in ‘79.
Rosita - Bad hair. (They give her a look)
La Virgen - So,ok you want a miracle? Let’s start with a new mantra. Look deep inside. Repeat after
me.(Virgen starts to work her magic but it’s really all on Frannie) My body is my temple.
C Fran - (not quite convinced, looking at her feet) My body is my temple.
La Virgen - Good! I am beautiful.
C Fran - I am beautiful.
La Virgen - I am all powerful Isis, Aphrodite, and Venus. I am bad ass and I will kick butt.
C Fran - What?!
La Virgen - Just say it.
C Fran - I am all powerful Isis, Aphrodite, and Venus. I am Bad Ass and I will kick butt.
La Virgen - I am pretty.
C Fran - I am pretty.
La Virgen - Louder and with feeling, mujer! With me...I am pretty, I am pretty, I am pretty, I am pretty,
I am pretty.....
C Fran - I am pretty, I am pretty, I am pretty,
[starting to believe and slowly looking up in the mirror. Virgen fades back so Frannie is alone with
her self becoming more excited - music from West Side Story, “I feel Pretty”]
I am pretty, I am pretty, I AM PRETTY!
I am pretty, oh so pretty
I am pretty and witty and gay
And I pity any gal who isn’t me today
I feel sexy, oh so sexy
Its perplexing how sexy I feel
It’s alarming that the girl in front of me is real.
See the gordita in the mirror there,
La Virgen & Rosita - What mirror where?
C Fran - Who can that attractive girl be?
All - which what where whom.....
Such a pretty face
Such a sexy butt
Such a sexy bod
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Such a sexy me
C Fran - I feel stunning, oh so stunning
Feel like running and yelling I’m free
No more trash,(throws back magazine)
And I’m taking back my body!
[Fran exits while waving like Miss America]
Rosita - (waving back) Yay, Miss America speech, speech. Wow. Now that’s what I call a miracle diet.
La Virgen - Works every time.
BARBIE TWINS: DIET TIPS
[The Virgen picks up Frannie’s magazine.]
La Virgen - Oh what’s this? Dos hermanas. Two sisters. Maria and Magdalena Barbie. The Barbie
Twins recovered bulimics both 5’9” and weighing 115 pounds. They have been featured in pinup
calendars, Playboy spreads, and the comic book and CD-ROM The Barbie Twins’ Adventures. Que
estrano. [lights shift, Twiggy music Barbie head dance and the interview from the magazine comes
to life] So when did you start using laxatives?
Maria - We discovered laxatives in Paris when we were modeling for Betsy Johnson in the fashion
shows. We starved for weeks, and then after the fashion shows we binged, I got a chronic case of
constipation, so the doctor gave me laxatives, and I lost so much I thought “Whoa! This is a good
thing!”
La Virgen - When did you stop using them?
Magdalena - When they stopped working. When I was on the floor with froth coming out of my
mouth.
Maria - It was scary. She had bubbles coming out of her mouth, and we had to take her to the hospital.
As long as we were losing fifty pounds, we didn’t care if we died.
Magdalena - The doctor said, “That’s it. If you do this one more time you’ll go into cardiac arrest,” and
I said, “Are you sure I can’t do it just one more time?”
La Virgen - Which was your favorite laxative?
Maria - Magnesium Xytrate was the strongest, but Dulcolax works the best. In four hours we could be
fifteen pounds thinner. Even my hands were thin.
Magdalena - People would say, “Gosh you look terrible What’s wrong?” And we would say, “Thank
you!”
La Virgen - What’s the greatest extreme you’ve ever gone to, to lose weight?
Maria- We actually rented an apartment in Austin, Texas. It was like going to a fasting
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farm, but we wanted to lock ourselves in. We had this idea that we were going to be locked up for forty
days and forty nights. We wanted to be spiritual, and in the Bible it says forty days and forty nights.
Magdalena - I wanted to see visions.
Maria- Whatever. We had gallons and gallons of water, that’s it. Nothing in the refrigerator. We asked
this poor guy to lock us in, and we purposely got a third-story apartment so we couldn’t get out. I
wanted to be skinny. We practically killed each other. You could smell everything. I could smell if
someone put butter on a potato next door. Then finally we got so crazy-La Virgen - After how many days?
Maria - Only ten.
La Virgen - You lasted ten days?
Magdalena- I’ve lasted nineteen days at a fasting hygienic center.
Maria - So we finally had to get out and get to a 7-Eleven. But we didn’t have the strength to bust
down the door. So we tied bed sheets together to climb out the window, which we must have learned
from a cartoon.
La Virgen - You couldn’t call someone?
Magdalena - No. We purposely didn’t have a phone or we’d have had pizzas sent.
Maria - Duh!
Magdalena - So we got to the 7- Eleven and we were like drug addicts, eating right there out of the
packages. We paid for empty wrappers. But we hated ourselves for breaking our word.
La Virgen - How damaging do you think your image is to our appearance-obsessed culture?
Magdalena - I’m sure that there are a lot of women who say we contribute to it. I feel that I was as
much a victim as anyone else. But I learned from my therapy not to blame but to become a part of the
solution. We’re all victims. The dysfunctional part of me was working with the dysfunctional part of
the media that was dealing with surface obsessions.
Maria - (laughing and clapping) I’m just drawing blanks here. [They exit to music while the lights
cross fade to Rosita and La Virgen]
Rosita - Now that’s a miracle diet. [she exits]
La Virgin - You wanna miracle? I do miracles. REMEMBER JUAN DIEGO AND THE ROSES?
Only I do miracles! This ...STUFF is not a miracle.
BLACKOUT
MARY MAGDALENE
[La Virgen transforms. Into mini-skirt and high heels]
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La Virgen - I am woman of the great darkness
I am one who paints her face
I am woman who is independent
I am woman who dresses herself
If I cant wear my serpent skirt
Then a short leather skirt will do.
I am woman who wears the moon and the sun on her shoulders
I am woman who is tired of being immaculate.
I am woman who continues to reinvent herself
Yo soy, I am Guadalupe.
[La Maguey runs on. Donna Summers Bad Girl is heard offstage blending into “Lonley Girl/
Brown eyed girl. A horn blares and male laughter and obscenities offstage.]
La Mag - Oh Si, ha ha ha, look at the poor pendeja putita run; you still owe me $50 cabrones! (more
laughter off stage) Hell No! I ain’t wearing no cuffs for no kind of feria (takes off shoe and throws it)
But let’s see how you like your new hood ornament jodidos!
La Virgen - (appearing in window)
La Luna shines her white light on the dark path
Leading me to my oldest daughters.
My secret warriors that count their change in los cielos,
And pay me tribute on their backs.
La Mag - Damn! That’s my last good pair of shiny red pumps!
La Virgen - Street basics. One pair of sad girl cafe-con-azucar eyes.
La Mag - (ducking into store alcove) Whew! They’re gone! What I wouldn’t give for a minute, a
second...
La Virgen - Drawing in each breath,
and letting the sweet air of la tierra into her corazon,
she holds it as if it were her last.
La Mag - Maybe if I closed my eyes, maybe if I closed my eyes, I could step through the looking glass,
como Alicia in Wonderlandia.
La Virgin - I step into the Street Angel’s world. La Guadalupe, La Luchadora.
La Mag .- Lucha, that’s short for Luchadora. A fighter, that’s what I am. The only mami’ without a
pimp. Psssh, I’m lying. My ama’ still calls me Maguey.
La Virgen - Maguey ....Magdalena, Protejera, Creadora, MAGDALENA!
La Mag - Oh wow ! I need a facial. I wonder if I can find me an Avon Lady that works nights.
La Virgen - Warpaint.
Masking the brown plains and hidden passions locked in their faces.
Caras que llevan sacretus de los antepasados.
14
La Virgen - (pager beeping) Damn! That better not be Javier reminding me to “work my corner” and
“bring him his ends.” I know my job, Jodido! How would you like walking around in 5 inch
Woolworth Specials.
La Virgen - Guardias.
Who chop their right pecho off to carry my sword of vengeance
And suckle their young with the left.
Snake charmers,life givers, and soul-eaters.
La Mag - Chingao! It’s the sitter. I hope Miguelito’s okay. Puta! I need some change. I wonder if
the liquor store has change for a C-note. (beep again) Okay Miguelito! Mami’s coming. (walking
away) I gotta buy a cellphone.
[La Maguey exits]
La Virgen - I need a DRINK. I need to dispel these pesadillas, these night mares. Usually I take care
of that by moving the moon closer to the earth A little flooding, a little tremor. I need to dance . I
wanna go to... a night club.
WOMEN WHO RUN WITH SALSA WOLVES
[Salsa music plays and as arch gets moved center upstage to be a door. Soladad enters from
audience as Maria Teresa and Maria Dolce are moving to the music.]
Soladad - Give me a break Chico, When you dance Salsa you don’t flap your wings. What do you think
you are ...an egret? That’s a bird, Chancho! A Bald Eagle? You? No way Jose...the eagle is way too
smooth and you’re....(gestures that means he’s not) I think the bald part is right though. (laughs) Awww,
go fly a kite nene mocoso!
Maria T - Another wolf, Soledad?
Soledad - Yeah....a salsa wolf!
La Virgen - Excuse me I couldn’t help hearing....did you say salsa wolf?
Soledad - Yeah, those guys that are all over you and can’t dance to save their life. Where have you
been sister, in los cielos?
La Virgen - Bueno, mas o menos. I’m visiting. New in town. I needed a drink.
Soledad - I hear that. I’ll get you one....on me. What’s your pleasure?
La Virgen - A bloody Mary.
Soledad - Ooooo a vodka lady. I’m a tequila person myself...I need a large Margarita.
[Soledad exists]
Maria T- You look familiar. What’s your name?
La Virgin - Guadalupe....Maria Guadalupe.
15
Maria T - Really! I’m Maria Teresa and this is....
Maria D - Maria Dulce...but you can call me Candy.
Maria T - Oh oh, Salsa Wolf at 3 o’clock.
La Virgen - Where? I see a man.
Maria D -Turn your face this way Maria Guadalupe, . If you make eye contact, he’s your forever.
[They turn their faces and La Virgin makes the wolf disappear with a fierce look and growl.]
Maria D - Where did he go?
La Virgen - So tell me what IS a salsa wolf?
Maria D - The way I figure there are FOUR breeds of Salsa wolf. The New Yorkquino...
[As they describe each Salsa Wolf, Maria T transforms into each type and dances with Maria D.)
Maria D - he’s styling, very clean, sharp, good dancer. You can tell, because of shoes he wears leather
soles so he could spin you into the room. He doesn’t talk much but you think you gonna have a good
time. So you dance with him....Then you notice he’s not moving….You are doing all the work ...making
him look good. Pretty soon you start to feel like a top ...with all the spinning and you spin out of each
others range. At the end of the evening he thinks you’re going home with him but frankly from all the
spinning his face is just a blur.
Maria T- The next breed...
Maria D - The Norteno...
Maria T - Or Freddy Fender look-a-like who’s lookn’ to get hitched to una senorita.
Maria D - Somehow I always, attract them like a magnate.
Maria T- (as Tejano)You want to dance?
Maria D - So I dance with him and he says....
Maria T - (looking at her breasts) You have very beautiful eyes.
Maria D - Or...
Maria T - You have a boyfriend?
Maria D - And then....
Maria T - You wanna have my baby?
Maria D - No way!
16
Soledad - (renters with drinks) Have you shown her the Chicano Tasmanian Devil yet?
La Virgen - Chicano Tasmanian Devil ?
Maria T- A local boy.
Soledad - He’s the guy who just learned to dance salsa at Cafe Du Nord..(or Arthur Murray Studio
etc...) and he’s ready to impress you. This vato is very energetic, can’t keep his feet on the ground and
has wings. Dancing with this pajaro is like listening to flight control tower telling you where to land.
Maria T - I’m gonna turn you now…Now the other way...Now, I’m gonna lift you ...Now I’m gonna
dip you...Lift your leg, I’m gonna spin you. (karate Kick)
Soledad - I highly recommend dancing with this type if you want to keep your heart rate up. Now the
last type is...
Maria D - The South American Gentleman
Maria T - Muy Suave.
Soledad - Debonaire, a charmer, he knows all the old dances like the Tango...
Maria D - Danzon...
Maria T .- Bolero senorita? [hand kiss gag - Mari T sucks Maria D’s hand up to her lips like a
vacuum]
Soledad - It’s gonna be soooo sweet. I mean this guy is sweeping you off your feet.
Maria D.- Where have you been all my life.
Soledad - Then...[Gentleman (Maria T) places hand on Maria D’s breast]
Maria D - Maybe it’s an accident. ...[Gentleman (Maria T) places other hand on Maria D’s other
breas] Please tell me this isn’t happening......STOP! [Hand kiss gag]
Soledad - So that’s the 411 on the typical Salsa Wolf. A BAILAR, mujeres Freddy Fender at
none 0’clock.
[They start to dance then ...a siren is heard]
Maria T- Oh no! It’s the Salsa police.
Salsa Police - Stay where you are. Just making a routine check-up. You! Danzon!
Soledad - Cubano, Mexicano, or Puertoriqueno?
Salsa Police - Why I outta....You and You, any moves you make can be used against you...
Maria D - Wait a minute . I can dance salsa.
17
Salsa Police - Ok. Latin Hustle! [they dance, but their arms get all tangled up] as I said you have the
right to remain silent but since you opened your mouth I’m gonna have to throw the book at you!
Maria D - But I learned to dance Salsa from my cousin Tito.
Salsa Police - Tito who?
Maria D - Tito Puente!
Salsa Police - Yeah and I’m Gloria Estefan. The rythym is gonna get you!
Soledad - Tough break eh? Ooooh baby, Twins, good looking gemelos!
La Virgen - One for me and one for you!
Soledad - .....Excuse me, I’m gonna pachanga with these dudes. Oye Gemelitos, aqui viene la
diabla!!!!!(she exits )
La Virgen - She’s such a good dancer. I like this Salsa dancing. The drums calling to me.
[She starts dancing. Salsa police sneaks on and starts dancing with her.]
Salsa Police - Gotcha! [ALL ACTION FREEZES]
ANNOUNCER- What will happen to our Virgen? Will she be hauled off by the Salsa Police? Will she
be forced to endure Cumbia lectures from Dr. Loco? Who will protect us from the Chupa Cabra? Can
no one save her? Stay tuned when we’ll bring you the climactic conclusion of PREMIERE
IMPACTO!!!!!!!(Sound cue with echo)
BLACK OUT - End of Act 1
ACT 2
THE CASE OF THE MARIAS
[SOUND CUE WITH “PREMIERE IMPACTO”]
Announcer - Welcome back to (sound cue)......PREMIERE IMPACTO! I’m Maria Maria and that’s a
facto. We last left Tonantzin in a dire state of confusion. Womankind was in need of her guidance. They
needed a leader. But the dastardly Salsa Police ambushed her in a local salsa club. [re-enactment of the
end of Act 1 - with La Virgen and Salsa Police]
Let’s continue with “PREMIERE IMPACTO”!!!! [Both turn to look at Announcer, who exits with
tail between legs.]
18
Salsa Police- AH HAH!!!!! FREEZE! What’s your name?
La Virgen - MARIA....MARIA GUADALUPE.
Salsa Police - Not another Maria!!! [Lights and Sam Spade music change]
Salsa Police - (with cigar) Turns out her name was Maria. Why are so many Latina women named
Maria? And why can’t they dip and turn and spin while dancing salsa? So many questions, so little
time, so many costume changes. In my days of sniffing out the fakers in AZTLAN, THAT’S
CALIFORNIA , NEW MEXICO, COLORADO, EAST PALO ALTO TO YOU, I’ve met many. [all
the “Marias” line up to Dragnet Music, holding numbered cards.]
First there was Maria from the Island of Manhattan...pretty, witty and gay... the Puerto Rican Juliet.
Caught in a tangled web of love, hate and the deadly conflict between two gangs.
West Side Story Maria - I couldn’t dance salsa because good girls aren’t supposed to. I couldn’t touch
a man’s hand because I could get pregnant. Was it you, Chino?
Salsa Police - Next, Maria Callas. Translated Maria Shut-up. The international sensation who has
captured the world’s hearts with her fire, drama and high, high C’s.
Maria Callas - (to “Carmen”) I sing opera, I do not dance,
Salsas complicated and low class
I tried it once in Paris, France
Although I faked it I had a blast.
Salsa Police - Famous for her renditions of Carmen, La Traviata, y, LaPutita Peligrosa. (the SP sends
Maria the cook to kitchen detail) Next, chosen as Hispanic Magazine’s Buisness Ruca of the Year,
Maria Martinez...
Maria Martinez - That’s Mary Martin.
Salsa Police - Mary Marti`n picked up for faking the Macarena and yelling “Que viva la mujer” at the
Republican National Convention in San Diego. When asked if she was down for la causa she replied...
Mary Martinez - Causa? Oh mi causa es tu causa.
Salsa Police - Case dissmissed. Then there was Maria Dolores Angel Ayala Parras Ramona Moncha
Alicia Moran , the Maid of Many Names.
Maria Maid – I got caught faking salsa in the middle of washing windows. I didn’t know the difference
between a mambo and a merengue.
Salsa Police - You can call her Maria Lupita, Maria Consuela, Maria Josefina or even Rosario. It
doesn’t matter--- she’s yooooour maid!
.
Maria Maid- Actually my name is Jennifer.
Salsa Police- Maria Maria Maria!
All Maria’s - I’ve just met a girl named Maria.....
19
Salsa Police - And the one that claims that had she not set foot on this earth miraculously, the name
Maria would never have been such the rage. The Virgen de Tepeyac, the Virgen de Guadalupe....La
Virgen Maria.
[She stands and everybody instantly falls to their knees and mumbles the hail mary.]
La Virgen - I only appeared when hungry souls called me... a supplication, una oracion, un grito. As
for the salsa, the drums were familiar. True I could not differentiate between each dance, but the plapla-pla of the calve beat, and the clinging clanging sound of the cow bell, and the ra-cha cha cha of the
quiro drew a fire from my heart to raise Cozumel again. It felt right. I ...I guess I got caught up in the
moment.
All - Aww poor thing, etc...Did you get this (her stare Manrilla) at Nordstroms?
La Virgen - No mija Ross....[They all start to exit]
Salsa Police - ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT! Break it up all of you! Time to go! LOCKDOWN! (Maria’s
don’t respond ) Hey you, Maria!
All - Who me?
Salsa Police - Yeah you . All of you! Move it! Back to your cells I said Vamanos!
La Virgen - Excuse me,senor….senora....senorita when you say cell, what exactly are you referring to ?
Would that be a biological unit of life, or a study chamber for a novice, or maybe, hey I know a
Cellphone.
Salsa Police - I mean prison, the slammer, la pinta, you know.......(dealing with Marias)
La Virgen - Oh great snakes! I’ve gotta do something or we’re all lost! I’ve got it! (whips out
cellphone) Oh what was it? 911? No! SOS! NO! 666? Ay Madre no! Waitaminute, Madre? That’s
it! 976-MAMA. [dials cell phone, thunder sound affects. All freeze]
Salsa Police - Santa Claves! What the hell is that?
La Virgen - Not exactly Hell....
THE GREAT GODDESS ESCAPE
West Side Story Maria - I see it! It’s King Kong!
Maria Callas - No, it’s a float from the Macy’s parade!
Maria Martinez- You’re both wrong! It’s the Chupa Cabra!!!!!!!!
ALL- Chupa Cabra! THAT? [point to Goddess.The goddess is disguised as the
Chupa Cabra.]
La Virgen - You’re the Chupa Cabra?
God - Well who’d you think it was? (taking off head)
20
La Virgen - Great Goddess!
God - Where? Oh right, at your servicio. Ok, let’s not waste any time. YOU, just sent the circle of
snakes, this better be be good!
Salsa Police - Snakes? Goats!? What is this a freak show? Who let you in? And why are you here?
[La Virgen starts to answer, but MUSIC STARTS “The Candy Man”]
God - You know they’ve been trying to answer that one since time began.....
SONG, SONG, SONG, SONG
God - Who can make the sun rise?
La Virgen - You can.
God - Sprinkle it with dew.
La Virgen - you already...
God - Cover it with mole and a miracle or two?
La Virgen - The Chupa Cabra can?
God - NO! your Mama can!
Marias - The Big Mama can cuz she’s been makin’ all the calls since the world began!
Marias - Who’s the Queen of Sheba?
God - Big Bad Mama!
Marias - Smarter than the Pope!
God - Big Bad-ass, Mama!!
Marias - Who ain’t taken shit from no patriarcle dopes,
God - The Big, Bad Ass Super-Fly,Mama!!!!!!
La Virgen - Did you just say Super-Fly?
Marias - Oh, the Big Bad Ass Super-Fly Mama can
cuz she’s been poppen’ out the puppies since the world began!
Big Mama takes, than she liberates all the women doing dishes.
Talk about your working witches,
La Virgen & God - Some people even call us bitches.
Marias - Bitches, Bitches...............(dance second)
21
La Virgen - Who’s a second helping taker!
God - When I’m hungry
La Virgen - Who’s a Salsa Faker!
God - That would be moi!
La Virgen - Who’s gonna break us out of this joint before we scare our audience!
God - OK MARIAS! This is your break! Shuffle off to BUFFALO!
[MARIAS all exit shuffling. La Virgen & Goddess pull a fast one and exit while the
Salsa Police says......]
Salsa Police - CUT! I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE! What are you all trying to do to me?(all exit
tapping out) I know you’re all fakers? But what’s the violation? (takes out code book) Boleros? No, I
want Broadway, Vegas! You can tap, but you can’t hide! I’ll be back!
[Free, La Virgen and the Goddess run across the stage.]
Goddess - Okay, I bailed you out once again. Try to stay out of trouble mija. And don’t
be late for your pachanga. You know how touchy Las Angelitas get! Now back to my fun with these
mortals. (Puts on Chupa Cabra head) BOO! HA, HA,HA,........................
La Virgen - (starting to go) I’ve got to go home. Las estrellas are calling me. I’ve been here too long.
[starts to go with music and lights flashing as if about to elivate to the heavens. Opens her eyes,
everything stops] Oh! Wait! I almost forgot !
I can’t leave without a miracle.
BLACK OUT
ANGEL - MILAGRO
ANGEL- (facing mirror) “Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the reddest angel of all?” You give up?
Well, it’s me – Mariangela. But I still like Angel better. Angels can fly, you know. Just like
superheroes. I always dream of flying. When I’m lucky, I also dream that I got superpowers.
Sometimes I even dream that I’m a boy superhero! I wish I were a boy…I hate God for sticking me in
this messed-up excuse for a body. My hands are too small for Las Luchas…my chest looks like a
plancha board…and my legs are so skinny, an ostrich looks fat next to me! Only thing I really like are
my feet, because they’re long…they’re sooo long, I could probably hang by my toes like a chango.
They’re strong too…I know that for a fact Jack cuz when I lose my shoes or they wear out, my feet
never hurt like Chana’s or Popi’s. They’re my friends I met at the beach. I still don’t see the big deal
about hot sand…I wish I was still there…I used to think I was like a boy…smaller, sure, but safe…like a
boy…my chest is still falt but my nalgas got soft…and my legs and arms got weak…my arms…my
underarms got red lines now…three on each one…from the hanging…[!?DONDE ESTA TU
PADRE?!]…they used to sting and I couldn’t put them down, or clean them with roll-on…they used to
sweat little beads of blood…I screamed a lot when the cordon got caught in the little black hairs…[!TE
22
VOY A ROMPER, PUTA!]…they don’t grow any more and now the skin is shiny pale-pink…like a
raw pescado…my wrists got two red dents in them but they don’t hurt…and no one can see under my
bracelets…jus’ like Wonder Woman’s…(Slowly she begins to unbraid and untangle her hair)…my
knees have lots of old scars and scabs from before…running and falling at the beach…sliding and
swingin’ at the playgrounds…the swings are always the best…if I can find someone to play with. Then
I can go higher and higher and higher and disappear like the Invisible Man. (Looks closely into the
mirror) He’s my …friend. He always wears a raincoat and sunglasses…and he loves to play games.
He even buys me presents (holds up bag)…sometimes. I used to think he was a superhero…but he lied
when he said he would make me fly…I just’ hung and bleeded…like the borego for Easter…I don’t
understand why he needs to know about my Papi…[!?DONDE ESTA TU PADRE MUCHACHA
JODIDA?!] When I was three, Papi went away with Sgt. Nick Fury and the Secret Commandos on a
special mission…sometimes he sends me postcards and I put them in alphabet order…(counting on
hand)…Australia, Bogota, Canada, Denmark…I’m gonna make them into a map of the world! Maybe,
if I could find the Secret Soldier Serum, I could join the Commandos and get away from here…like
Wonder Woman…I will fly away…I WILL FLY (turns and vomits into toilet).
SOLDADERAS IN HEAVEN
[upstage center is a large, colorful pile of serapes. The strains of a borrachera can be heard in the
background. A hand holding a bottle of tequila shoots out of the pile and begins to move on time
with the song. On the other side of the pile a disembodied foot in a pump pops out and also begins
to keep time with the music.]
Soldadera - (grito) Javier! Donde esta mi menudo? Eh?
Adelita - Ayy si papi! A little to the right mi corazon! Just like dancing papi como on hombre minea.
Soldadera - Where’s my tequilla, hombre? You better have it or you’re gonna wish you never been
born! Feh, Urrp, Ahh.
Adelita - Que bueno mi chaparrito...Ummmmm...Como te llamas?...Javier?
Soldadera - Much better Javier.....Javier!
Adelita - What are you going to do with that...oh ....Siiiiiiii...hey! Watch out viejo bruto, that’s my
inherintence! Va te dije que no! Javier!
Soldadera - Maldito, te voy a ...Porque tanto la oscuridad!!!! Javier!
[Soldadera and Adelita final emerge from the serapes and look at each other]
Both - Javier you’ve changed!!!!!
Soldadera - Urrrp!
Adelita - Eh? Where’s my shoe? Everytime I turn my back. And it’s always the left one. Don’t you
hate that!
Soldadera - Lo siento mucho mujer. Pero, I wouldn’t know. I haven’t changed mine for five years!
(holds boot in air)
23
Adelita - Ay! Que Fea! Where are all of the men? I thought this was supposed to be a party!
Soldadera - Pobre Adelita! You don’t need a man to party! Musica! Come on, let’s break some
bottles and set some fires!!
Adelita - Con cuidado Dona Pistola! That’s how I ended up here!
Solda - Como Do`na Corazon?
Adelita - A ver, don’t laugh o te pego! I was dancing on top of la mesa de la cantina...Hey you get
better tips that way ! Anyway, I started bouncing underneath the candle chandelier y my hair caught on
fire!
Soldadera - AHAHAHAHAHAHA!! AY demonia, that’s loca y re-loca! Per mira, don’t feel so bad. I
died choking on the gusano in this tequilla bottle! De todos modos...Que viva la mujer!
Adel - Que Vivaaaaaaaaaa!( They start dancing crazy cumbia)
[Rap music starts to mix in. Chola struts on stage with some big as hair! Slowly Adelita &
Soldadera get into the groove and start to back her up]
Chola - WHY DOES EVERYBODY HAVE TO TAKE IT TO THE WALL?
YO SOY LATINA, A WOMAN THAT’S ALL
NOT LOOKING FOR GOD, RELIGION OR A MAN
I WANNA FIGHT FOR PEACE SUCCEED IF I CAN
BUT HOW CAN I FIGHT IF I STAND DIVIDED?
CAN A PROUD BROWN WOMAN EVER FEEL UNITED?
LA CURA, LOCURA IS ALL I EVER HERE
LLENANDO MI CALLE WITH BLOOD AND FEAR
A KISS ON THE CHEEK AND A KNIFE IN THE BACK
MI BARRIOS BEING SCREWED BY THIS THING CALLED CRACK
ENSENAME LOCA, QUE TENGO QUE HACER
BUT WITH THIS DAMN LUCHA
YA NO HAY AMANACER
All - YA NO HAY, YA NOHAY AMANACER, YA NO HAY......
Chola - Q’VO, the placa’s la china loca. Herradura simplemente!
Soldadera - Momentito chica! Javier! Fulano! Necesitamos tequilla! This is’nt a very good cantina
mujeres. I think we should go and .....
[Spy music comes on. Argentinean Spy chick enters with propeller. She whips out a sheet of paper
and reads a secret code/poem]
Spy- “ Shadows bleed
and their wailing darkness
blots out the sickly yellow eyes
24
of the prowling jackal packs
that pollute our streets.
the white dove is wrapped in barbed wire
she bleeds without rest
her eyes glazed with the fear
that she may be dying
for nothing
her cause
pregnant with the expectancy
of 100 innocent lives
hangs on the silence of the nightinggale
if he sings
all is lost”
IF SHE SINGS ALL IS LOST
Adelita & Soldadera – (singing) Coo, Coo, Roo, Coo, Coo....Palomaaaaaaaa.
Spy - So I see I have failed. Well......let me hope it is in good company. Comrades, I was exchanging
sex..er, confidential information with my contact Marco, and well…a my garter got caught in the gears
of the plane and I flew into Los Andes! Bartender, Cognac!
Chola - Check this mess out! I was in the head feeling all full of love, listening to oldies, spraying my
pump. When all of a sudden Junior gives a scream to wake the dead. SO LIKE A PENDEJA, I was in
such a hurry, I do exactly what my moms warned me against for years. “ Hija you shouldn’t pull the
hairdryer out by the cordon, you could get electrocuted!” Y ya, the Bride of Frankenstein!
(all laughing..Soldadera burping)
Adelita - SST! Show some respect mujer!
[La Virgen enters with Trader Joes shopping bags]
La Virgen - Hola mis soldaderas!
ALL - Tonantzin!
La Virgen - Here mija. (she hands Adelita a red pump)
Adelita - Oh my shoe!
La Viregen - I just elevated from California, and boy are my arms tired. (no one laughs) I’ve been gone
too long. Musica! A tribute to my warriors.
Chola - How was your trip? Save anyone?
Adelita - How are the men?
Chola - Milagros? Stigmatta?
Adelita - How are the men?
Chola - Did you get a tatoo?
25
La Virgen - No, I am a tatoo.
Adelita - How are the MEN!?
La Virgen - It’s a funny thing. They seem to have evolved into wolves.
Soldadera - Well, do they still eat and drink like Queens?
La Virgen - (pulls out caliper) Here! It’s called the Jaws of Life. It eats for them. No fun. (pinches
Soldadera)
Soldadera - OW!........ I’m still hungry.
Spy - But did you dance close? Did you tango? Did your lips meet? Was it forbidden?
La Virgen - Jesus mija your dramatic. If you must know, everytime the drums called to me this stubby
cop obsessed with chiles, would show up and try to arrest me.
Spy- A police state! Goddamn facists! Criminals ! Torturers! We need informers, we’ll infultrate!
Down with Facism! Que viva La Revolucion!
La Virgen - God she’s dramatic. Mija, It’s taken care of. I’m safe here. There is no way the Salsa
Police...........
SP - (out of breath. She is covered in electrical wires with a computer) Thought you couldn’t be
followed , eh? GOTCHA! You have the right to remain silent. Under the Copa Cobana Code, article
700, Section 700, you have violated the Triple S Code. Faking salsa, faking Santaria, and faking
Sammi Davis Jr. Your goin’ down!
La Virgen - (TO Salsa Police)Look here, when a person from the Dominican Republic comes to visit
and and that person is invited to a party where everyone is dancing. Do you insult the Dominican by
telling him he is not Dominican simply because he cannot dance the merengue?
Salsa Police- Is this a trick question?
La Virgen - ok, you don’t get it? Okay, you are at the disco and the Latin Hustle is playing do you tell a
Latin from Manhattan named Edwin and Sonia Mendoza, ......
Salsa Police - Whoa...hold it right there. You’re making me dizzy. Who do you think you are?
La Virgen - Tonantzin.
Salsa Police- HuH?
La Virgen - La Virgen de Guadalupe.
Salsa Police - Your...I mean...La Virgen...AAAAAA How did I get here!? Where am I? I have a feeling
I’m not in Aztlan anymore! But it can’t be a dream! You were there, you were there, and you were
there. (all chuckle) Stay back! How did I get heere!?
26
La Virgen - You choked on a donut.
[The Salsa Police has an electrical melt down]
Salsa Police- All I ever wanted was a tutu. I wanted to be a ballerina!
SALSA SUITE
[Ballet number. Leedia entering as cherub / cupid singing “Everything Was Beautiful at the
Ballet” Angelitas dance ala “Swan Lake”. Big ritual here ending with La Virgen and the Angeltias
doing the beginning monologue.]
La Virgen - I am woman of great darkness
La Virgen & Spy - I am woman who paints the stars
La Virgen & Soldadera - I am woman of great oceans
La Virgen & Chola - I am woman of the Divine Sea
La Virgen & Adelita - I am a Saint Woman
La Virgen & Cherub - I am a Spirit Woman
La Virgen & Salsa Police - I am the Dark Mother
ALL- the Earth
La Virgen - I am Karmic action, and I’m coming to a neighborhood near you.
27
BLACKOUT