THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
1.
THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW
"THE ALAN SILVER
BRADY ANNIVERSARY SHOW"
FADE INTO
ALAN BRADY'S DRESSING ROOM - ALAN
pacing in his robe. It is near airtime and he is not happy.
Nearby, dressed up, are LAURA, BUDDY and SALLY, who are a
little concerned but afraid to say anything.
ALAN
Okay, where is he?
SALLY
I'm sure he'll be here any minute,
Alan.
ALAN
Oh, yeah? Which minute? How about
the next one? Thirty minutes to air.
Live air. I need those rewrites, or
my comeback will turn into a go-away.
(to Laura)
You!
Me?
LAURA
ALAN
You're married to him. Where is he?
LAURA
Well, Alan, I, uh ...
ALAN
"I, uh I, uh". I need more to go
on, Laura.
SALLY
(aside to Buddy)
You and your stupid bets.
BUDDY
Hey, it's not my fault.
Bet?
ALAN
What bet?
Buddy and Sally start talking over each other but are luckily
interrupted by a knock at the door. Alan goes to open it.
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
Ah, ha!
2.
ALAN
At last!
He opens the door and there stands MEL COOLEY, JR., a younger
spitting image of his father. He holds some papers.
M.J.
Hi, Uncle Alan.
Alan closes the door on M.J. and walks away. M.J. opens the
door and enters.
ALAN
Tell me he's here.
He's here.
M.J.
ALAN
Tell me those are the rewrites.
M.J.
These are the rewrites.
Alan snatches the papers from M.J. and looks through them.
ALAN
Swell. Have a cookie.
Fetch!
BUDDY
(to M.J.)
M.J. starts to leave but comes back. Sally glares at Buddy.
Huh?
SALLY
BUDDY
Alan was on a roll. It was worth
a shot.
M.J.
There is a small problem, though.
Alan glares at M.J.
ALAN
No. No, there is no problem. He's
here, I've got the rewrites, life is
wonderful again. Tra-la, tra-la!
LAURA
What problem, M.J.?
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
3.
M.J.
Well, it's kind of hard to explain.
LAURA
(concerned)
Is Rob all right?
Suddenly ROB PETRIE tries to enter the room. He wears a torn
tuxedo coat, a Scottish kilt, cowboy boots and is handcuffed
to part of a tuba.
ROB
(frustrated, exhausted)
Just peachy!
FADE OUT
END OF TEASER
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
ACT ONE
FADE INTO
ALAN'S DRESSING ROOM
As Alan goes over the rewrites, Laura, Buddy and Sally go
over to Rob.
LAURA
Rob, what happened to you?
BUDDY
I like the dress, but the charm
bracelet's a bit much.
SALLY
(to Buddy)
Shut up, Buddy. Can't you see that
Rob's been through -- what the hell
have you been through, Rob?
Alan is enjoying the rewrites. M.J. is pleased.
ALAN
These are great, Rob, just great.
Thanks, Alan.
ROB
Laura helps Rob sit. Rob suddenly remembers to keep his
knees together. Alan spots a stain on a page.
ALAN
What's this -- steak sauce?
Blood.
Blood?!
ROB
LAURA
Oh, Rob!
BUDDY
Boy, when you give it your all, you
give it your all.
Alan shoves the papers into M.J.
ALAN
Get these to the teleprompt guys.
M.J.
Yes, Uncle Alan. Twenty minutes.
Go!
ALAN
4.
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
M.J. hustles out.
They help Rob up.
5.
Alan smiles and herds everyone together.
He modestly keeps his knees together.
ALAN
Okay, my friends. The crisis is
over, we're all together just like
old times. So I just wanna take
this opportunity to say, "Clear
the room, I gotta get dressed."
He sees Rob for the first time and chuckles, not knowing if
it's a joke.
ALAN
That's a new look for you, isn't it,
Rob?
Brand new.
ROB
ALAN
Well, thanks for the laugh. Now get
out.
LAURA
Rob, what happened?
ROB
I'll tell you later, let's just
go watch the show.
ALAN
(herding them out)
Yes. Go. Go. Go watch the show.
Rob slams the tuba into the doorframe.
ALAN
Kinda gauche, Rob.
Rob nods agreement but hustles out with the others.
INT. HALLWAY
Rob, Laura, Buddy and Sally head for the control room.
LAURA
Rob, you're hurt, you're exhausted,
you're wearing a kilt and a tuba.
BUDDY
So, what's your point?
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
6.
ROB
Things got a little out of hand.
(pointedly)
Right, Buddy?
Sally also glares at Buddy. Buddy swallows, nervous.
BUDDY
What're you lookin' at me for?
ROB
It's hard to believe that everything
started off so well a month ago.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. ALAN'S OFFICE (FLASHBACK) - ALAN
at his desk. The office is well-decorated but not overly so.
There are two Emmys on a glass shelf behind his desk. Alan
enters, wearing sweats. He has a towel around his neck and
wipes his face.
Boy, oh boy.
ALAN
The intercom buzzes. Alan picks up the phone.
ALAN
Yeah, Marge. Yes, I know I don't
have to pick it up. But if I don't
pick it up and you tell me
something I don't like, then I can't
hang up on you, now can I? Are you
going to tell me something I don't
like?
(beat)
Okay, then you're safe. What do you
want?
(beat)
Great, great! Send him in!
Alan sits, adjusts his clothes and grabs a mirror from a
drawer. He checks what hair he has on his temples. The door
opens and Alan puts his mirror away. Rob enters, all smiles.
Alan?
ROB
Alan rises and energetically walks over to Rob.
ALAN
Rob! Rob Petrie! The man I plucked
from a thousand-watt radio station
and made into a writing success.
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
7.
They shake hands.
ROB
(picking up cue)
Did I ever thank you for that?
ALAN
You look great, just great!
Oh, thanks.
ROB
ALAN
Come on, sit down.
Rob goes to a chair and Alan returns to his desk. Rob looks
around.
ROB
Wow, this is some office!
Alan is sitting at his desk flashing an expectant grin at
Rob.
Rob ...
ALAN
(prompting him)
Yes?
ROB
ALAN
How do I look, Rob?
ROB
Great! Terrific! Never better!
(indicating towel)
Working out these days, huh?
Oh!
Alan looks at his towel.
ALAN
What, this? Naw. The stupid air
conditioning's broken. I'm sweating
up a storm in here. Which reminds me ...
Alan picks up the phone.
ALAN (cont'd)
Marge. It's still hot in here.
Well, get him down here. Don't
make me hang up on you. I'm
hanging up now.
(hangs up)
In a minute you'll be sweating
buckets.
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
ROB
Something to look forward to.
(pointing)
Uh, nice Emmys.
ALAN
You like those, huh? Of course,
you have three Oscars.
Yeah --
ROB
(modestly)
ALAN
You passed me, Rob.
ROB
(swallowing)
Sorry about that.
ALAN
Well, I hope it won't affect your
decision to write the anniversary
show.
ROB
Uh -- of course not, Alan. I'd
love to do it. If you really
want me to.
Alan stands, all smiles.
ALAN
Terrific. Terrific! That's what I
love about you, Rob. Loyalty. It's
been twenty-five years since we
did TV together, and you're just as
loyal now as you were back then. I
don't know what to say, Rob. I'm
moved. That's it. I'm moved.
ROB
Of course, I'll want a lot more
money for it -Alan sits, depressed.
ALAN
Rob, I don't have to tell you who
produced those Oscar-winning scripts
of yours, now do I?
ROB
(a little humbler)
Uh, you did, Alan.
8.
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
Alan leans forward.
ALAN
What was that? I'm twenty-five years
older. I don't hear so good any more.
ROB
(louder)
You -- Alan.
ALAN
That's right, Rob. And don't let the
fact that I never won an Oscar even
enter your mind.
ROB
Yeah, I won't -- much -- but, uh -Alan puts his hand up to his ear.
Huh?
ALAN
ROB
Whatever you think is right, Alan.
ALAN
Music to my ears. Now that that's
settled, let's get to work.
(buzzing intercom)
Marge, send him in.
(beat)
No, I do not have the phone in my
hand. Should I? Is he here? Check
the closet.
ROB
Who -- who's that?
ALAN
Who, who! What are you, an owl? My
co-producer is who.
ROB
Co-producer? But I thought you -There is a timid knock at the door.
ALAN
Come in!
(to Rob)
Can't do the whole show myself.
Someone's got to get the coffee.
M.J. enters. Rob is surprised.
9.
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
ROB
Mel Junior, is that you?
ALAN
It ain't Kojak.
Rob and M.J. shake hands.
ROB
Well, M.J., congratulations!
M.J.
Thanks, Uncle Rob.
ALAN
Uncle! Uncle! Uncle Alan, Uncle
Rob! Everything's "uncle".
M.J.
Well, Mom is your sister.
ALAN
And that's the only reason you
got this job.
(beat)
That, and the fact that after me
you're the best TV producer I know.
M.J.
Thanks, Uncle Al -ALAN
Now -- go produce!
ROB
Great to see you again, M.J.
M.J.
You, too. By the way, your office
will be ready tomorrow.
Rob smiles at Alan. The air conditioning REPAIRMAN enters.
ROB
"My office?" How'd you know I'd say
yes?
ALAN
The same way I knew the Dodgers
would move to Los Angeles. I'm
Alan Brady! Now, all of you,
get out of here.
ROB
See you tomorrow, Alan.
10.
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
11.
Rob and M.J. smile and head out. The repairman shrugs and
starts to go.
No, you stay.
ALAN
The repairman stops and turns.
ALAN
You don't leave until I can
freeze water in this office.
Alan mops his brow with the towel and heads back to his desk.
INT. ROB AND LAURA'S LIVING ROOM
We hear the sound of little tap shoes approaching the front
door from outside. The door opens and in walk Laura and
MILLIE. Laura wears a loose sweatshirt over dance class
attire. Scurrying around them are ROBBIE and CORIE PETRIE,
their grandchildren, ages seven and five.
MILLIE
Laura, if that wasn't the cutest
show I've ever seen!
LAURA
That's what you said about the
last recital, Millie.
MILLIE
Well, I can't help it if our
grandkids are so talented and
so cute.
LAURA
An unbiased opinion.
Robbie touches Laura.
Grandma Laura?
Yes, honey?
ROBBIE
LAURA
ROBBIE
Can Corie and I have the surprise
you promised us?
LAURA
(teasing)
What surprise?
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
12.
CORIE
I don't know. If we knew, it
wouldn't be a surprise.
MILLIE
Ooh, she's so cute!
LAURA
It's in the freezer.
The kids start to go, but:
LAURA (cont'd)
But before you dig in, I just
want to tell you both how
proud I am of you. You both did
very well today.
CORIE
Thanks, Gramma Laura.
Millie gives Corie a quick kiss.
MILLIE
I was proud of you, too.
ROBBIE
Thanks, Gramma Millie.
LAURA
Now go scoot before the ice cream
melts.
The kids cheer and run into the kitchen, their shoes tapping
away. Laura puts her dance bag down and sits. It's been a
long day.
LAURA
Whew! It's getting harder and harder
to keep up with the kids these days.
All that energy and enthusiasm.
MILLIE
I know. When Corie first got
those tap shoes, she never took
them off. Drove the family dog
crazy.
Millie sits. Laura smiles and looks off at the kitchen and
the kids.
LAURA
You're right, though. They are
cute.
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
MILLIE
Whoever thought that you and I
would end up in-laws and have the
same grandkids?
Beat. They look at each other and smile.
We did.
LAURA/MILLIE
LAURA
I didn't think Ritchie would ever
propose to Ellen.
Laura pulls some bottled water out her dance bag.
MILLIE
Well, good thing she proposed to him.
Any longer and Jerry would never have
been able to get into his old tux.
LAURA
Yeah, Ellen's pretty special, all
right.
MILLIE
So, is there any word from Rob?
Is he gonna write for Alan Brady
again? Tell me, tell me, tell me.
LAURA
I don't know. He's meeting with
Alan today. I think he'll do it,
though. He and Alan have been
friends for years.
MILLIE
You don't sound too sure.
Laura goes over to a table and sifts through some mail.
LAURA
Well, Rob hasn't written for TV in
a long time. Especially live TV.
He's not sure he still can.
MILLIE
Well, TV's just like the movies -but shorter.
LAURA
Oh, I know he can do it. Especially
if Alan can get Buddy and Sally.
Millie stands and crosses to Laura.
13.
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
14.
MILLIE
Ooh, I loved their last show. I saw
it when I went back to New York a
few months ago. Will they do it?
LAURA
If Rob says yes, they'll be there.
Robbie comes back from the kitchen. He has chocolate syrup
all over his face and hands.
ROBBIE
Grandma, grandma!
Laura goes over to Robbie.
LAURA
Robert Rosebud Petrie, what on
Earth happened to you?
ROBBIE
The cap came off the syrup.
Millie tries to make light of it.
MILLIE
I think you got more on you than on
your ice cream.
ROBBIE
You should see Corie!!!!
Millie's mood changes. Panicked, Laura and Millie run into
the kitchen, followed by Robbie.
MILLIE (O.S.)
Corrine Petrie, just look at you.
We hear a DOG bark.
LAURA (O.S.)
Oh, my God. How did that get on
the dog?
INT. LIVING ROOM -
EVENING
Rob enters. By habit, he grabs the remote and turns on the
TV. He stops and looks at Laura's picture. Laura enters
behind him, she is in a robe and bent over, drying her hair
with a towel. They don't see each other.
ROB
(smiling)
My Laura.
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
What?
LAURA
(startled)
Rob jumps, scaring them both.
ROB
Aaaa! Honey, you almost gave me a
heart attack!
LAURA
Almost? Hmm, I must be losing my
touch.
They embrace.
She continues drying her hair.
ROB
Ooh, you're wet.
LAURA
And you're late.
ROB
Sorry. When'd you get home?
LAURA
About an hour ago.
ROB
How'd the kids do at the recital?
LAURA
Terrific, of course. I got it on
tape.
Oh, good!
ROB
LAURA
How'd it go with Alan?
They head for the kitchen.
ROB
How do you think?
LAURA
Working for scale again, huh?
INT. KITCHEN
Rob starts scavenging through the refrigerator.
15.
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
16.
ROB
Have you seen Rich?
LAURA
Well, I know he's not in there.
Very cute.
ROB
LAURA
I know. That's why you married me.
They exchange a little kiss. Rob pulls out a bottle of milk
and gets a glass. Laura starts combing her hair.
LAURA
We're having lunch with Rich and
Ellen tomorrow. Hey, don't eat!
You're taking me out tonight.
She hugs him.
ROB
Just as well. The only thing in
here has a life of its own.
Rob smiles at Laura.
What?
LAURA
She starts adjusting her hair and robe, thinking it's her.
ROB
Whoever thought one day we'd
have to make an appointment to
have lunch with our son?
We did.
LAURA
She gives Rob another kiss.
INT. NINO'S - EVENING
It is a very nice restaurant with a small stage nearby. The
owner/maitre'd, NINO, happily hustles about. Rob and Laura
enter, dressed up.
LAURA
Oh, it's so good to be back at
Nino's. It hasn't changed a bit.
Yeah.
ROB
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
17.
Nino hustles up to them, overjoyed.
NINO
Mr. and Mrs. Petrie! It is so good
to see you again. It has been much
too long.
ROB
Hi, Nino. Have a table for us?
NINO
Only if you sing for us later.
LAURA
Oh, it's been so long. I don't -Free entree.
Done!
NINO
ROB/LAURA
NINO
This way. Please.
Nino shows them to a ringside table.
ROB
Right by the stage. Very subtle,
Nino.
Nino gets Laura's chair for her. Rob sits. Just as they
relax, the lights change and the spotlight comes up on Nino.
NINO
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome
to Nino's. Tonight I'm happy to
announce the return of two of
our favorite people who have
agreed to once again sing for us.
LAURA
Rob, we're not prepared.
ROB
Hasn't stopped us before.
NINO
Please welcome back Rob and Laura
Petrie.
Applause from other patrons. Rob and Laura stand and take the
stage. Rob goes over and whispers something to the band
leader.
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
ROB
Well, it's been a long time, but
since Nino won't give us menus
until we do a number, we'd like to
do a song very special to us. It
was the first song we ever sang
together.
They sing "You Wonderful You". Despite their nervousness,
they are as terrific as ever.
After the number, applause from the audience.
Thank you.
salad.
ROB
And for our next number,
Laughter from the audience as Rob and Laura head back for
their chairs.
FADE OUT
END OF ACT ONE
18.
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
19.
ACT TWO
FADE INTO
INT. PETRIE/HELPER ADVERTISING - OUTER OFFICE
It is a modern-looking office of a successful company. The 3D company logo is on a wall. BETTY, an attractive assistant,
is typing at her terminal as Rob and Laura enter. They are
impressed with the office.
Wow!
ROB
So this is the new place.
LAURA
This office is so -- so -Successful.
ROB
The phone rings. Betty answers it.
BETTY
Good afternoon. Petrie-Helper.
ROB
"Petrie-Helper". Sounds like
something you use in a casserole.
Shhh!
LAURA
(giggling)
BETTY
One moment. I'll forward you.
She touches a button, hangs up the phone and smiles at Rob
and Laura.
BETTY (cont'd)
Good afternoon. May I help you?
ROB
Is Ritchie here?
Rob ...
LAURA
(nudging him)
ROB
Oh, uh -(low official voice)
Mr. Petrie to see Mr. Petrie.
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
Betty smiles.
BETTY
Yes, sir. One moment, please.
(into phone com)
Mr. Petrie?
RITCHIE'S VOICE
(filtered)
Yes, Betty?
LAURA
(proudly, quietly)
"Mr. Petrie."
BETTY
Your parents are here.
RITCHIE'S VOICE
Oh, great! Send them right in.
Yes, sir.
BETTY
Betty stands and opens the door to the inner office area.
BETTY
The last door on your left, Mr.
and Mrs. Petrie.
ROB
Thank you, Betty. Say, just between
you and me, what kind of boss is my
son?
Honestly?
Yeah.
BETTY
ROB
(a bit sorry he asked)
The best.
The best!!!
BETTY
LAURA
They enter the hallway.
INT. HALLWAY
As Rob and Laura walk, they look at numerous awards and
photos on the wall.
20.
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
21.
ROB
Will you look at all of these?
LAURA
For advertising?
ROB
Wouldn't you know it? I spent my
life writing TV programs and Ritchie
just watched the commercials!
INT. RITCHIE'S OFFICE
It is obvious he's successful. RITCHIE, now about 40, is
standing by his desk, looking at some art work. Rob and Laura
appear in the doorway and knock.
Mr. Petrie?
Mom!
Dad!
Hi, honey!
ROB
RITCHIE
LAURA
Ritchie goes over and hugs Laura and Rob.
RITCHIE
What'd you bring me?
Rob pulls out pen and gives it to Ritchie.
ROB
An "Alan Brady" pen.
RITCHIE
Mr. Brady has his own pens?
ROB
Well, not this one.
(looking around)
Rich, this is really impressive.
RITCHIE
Thanks, Dad. It really cost
"impressive". We're still settling
in.
LAURA
Well, we're very proud of you.
Rob snoops around the office as Ritchie and Laura talk. At
one point he grabs a gluestick and can't get it off his hand.
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
RITCHIE
Thanks. If we can pay for all
this then I'll be proud, too.
Where's Ellen?
LAURA
RITCHIE
She's meeting us there.
Just as Ritchie turns to Rob, Rob manages to pull the glue
stick off. He overly casually looks at the artwork.
ROB
So, uh, what are you working on
here, Rich?
Ritchie goes over to him and shows him the artwork.
RITCHIE
Tough client, Dad. Remember that
candy I used to eat all the time
when I was a kid?
LAURA
Oh, uh -- Crummy Buttons!
Blech!
ROB/RITCHIE
RITCHIE
Well, they're bringing it back.
Going for an older market this
time. Now it's Crummy Buttons with
Bran.
Double blech.
ROB
Rob casually puts his glue hand down on Ritchie's desk.
RITCHIE
Excuse me a minute.
(hits com button)
Betty, I'll be at lunch with my
folks. I'll be back around two.
BETTY'S VOICE
(filtered)
Yes, Mr. Petrie.
Laura can't stifle another proud giggle.
RITCHIE
Well, let's go. My treat!
22.
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
23.
LAURA
You don't have to do that, sweetie.
RITCHIE
Mom, I want to do it.
They start heading out. Rob lifts his hand and some papers
stick to it. He tries flinging them off as he is the last to
leave.
ROB
So, how's Freddie?
RITCHIE
He's okay. It's real interesting
working with your brother-in-law.
ROB
Yeah. Just ask Alan Brady.
As he exits, Rob finally manages to slap the papers onto the
wall by the door and they stick there. Rob closes the door
behind him.
INT. ROB'S NEW OFFICE
Though the office is new, there are some old, familiar
objects about: a piano, a dartboard on the wall, the sofa,
the hat rack, a water cooler and an old desk. Rob enters with
TONY DANIELS (Ken Berry), the choreographer of the show.
TONY
Here you go, Rob.
ROB
Thanks, Tony. Hey, it's great that
you're doing the dancing for the
show.
TONY
Alan's rounded up the whole gang.
Say, is Laura busy? I could use a
good assistant.
ROB
Aw, I'm sure she'd love it, but
her dance studios have recitals
going on. Hundreds of little
toes tapping their little hearts
out.
Rob looks around.
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
24.
ROB
Will you look at this place?
Reminds me of the old office back
in New York.
It is.
Huh?
TONY
ROB
TONY
Well, except for the walls. When
Alan ended the show, he put
everything in storage. And I mean
everything. He's nothing if not
frugal.
ROB
You mean "cheap".
TONY
That, too. That's even the same desk.
Rob finds a note on the desk. He's all smiles.
ROB
What? That sentimental old -Rob opens the note and reads it.
ROB (cont'd)
"Dear Rob, Glad you like the
desk. Now sit behind it and get
to work. Sincerely, Alan. P.S.
Remember me? I sign your
paychecks."
TONY
Yep. Brings a tear to my eye.
Hey, I've to get back to the
studio. See you at the read-thru.
Rob looks around the office more.
ROB
(distracted)
Yeah. Thanks, Tony. Good to see
ya.
Tony goes, leaving the door open. Rob plunks a few notes on
the piano. He looks at the framed "Dairy-Maids" print on the
wall behind the desk. He finally sits down in his old chair
and touches the typewriter.
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
ROB
Oh, boy, do I remember you.
Quietly, Buddy and Sally enter. She signals Buddy to be
quiet. They close the door.
SALLY
Will you look at that, Buddy? The
first day on the job and the new
kid takes over our desk.
Buddy! Sally!
Hi-ya, Rob!
ROB
SALLY
Sally and Rob hug. Buddy and Rob shake hands.
BUDDY
Hey, that's some tan you got! You
give up writing for lifeguarding?
ROB
Alan didn't tell me you were coming.
SALLY
Well, we wanted to surprise you!
Besides, we figured if you knew
you were splitting the salary
three ways, you wouldn't take the
job.
ROB
Hey, I saw your last show!
This is apparently a sore subject.
BUDDY
Oh, you were the one!
ROB
It was great! What happened?
SALLY
It closed during curtain call.
ROB
Well, Laura and I loved it. Besides,
I think your Tonys speak for
themselves.
BUDDY
Yeah, they keep saying, "Get a real
job!"
25.
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
ROB
I'm telling you guys, you should
come out here and write for the
movies.
BUDDY
Naw. Pickles would never move out
here.
Why not?
SALLY
BUDDY
Too confusing.
(gesturing)
She's used to having the ocean on
the other side!
ROB
How's Herman, Sal?
SALLY
Back in New York -- with his mom.
The sun out here would kill him.
ROB
She still living with you two?
SALLY
Yep. 98, and the only thing that
keeps her going is the hope for
grandkids someday.
Grandkids?
ROB
SALLY
We tried goldfish, but she's still
pretty sharp. Caught on after three
months when she got new glasses.
Rob laughs. Buddy notices the surroundings.
BUDDY
Woo. This is spooky. Same old desk,
same old dartboard -M.J. enters.
M.J.
Oh, Uncle Rob, I -BUDDY
-- same old Mount Baldy.
26.
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
M.J.
Excuse me?
ROB
(the peacemaker)
Buddy, Sally, you remember Mel
Junior.
SALLY
(amazed)
This is little Melvin?
BUDDY
No, I'd say that's a lot of Melvin.
Sally gives him a big hug.
M.J.
It's been twenty years, Aunt Sally.
I've grown up.
BUDDY
Too bad your hair stayed the same
size. How ya doing, kid?
M.J. and Buddy shake hands.
M.J.
Great, Uncle Buddy. It's so good
to see all of you together again.
ROB
M.J. here is co-producing the special
with Alan.
SALLY
Hey, that's great! I'm not surprised,
though. You were practically raised
on this show.
M.J.
I hope I won't let you down, Aunt
Sally.
BUDDY
Kid, if you're even half the man
your father was, I -- um -- Rob,
what's half of zero?
Buddy!!!!!!
ROB/SALLY
FADE OUT
END OF ACT TWO
27.
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
28.
ACT THREE
FADE INTO
INT. OFFICE - MORNING
Rob enters and hangs his coat up on the rack. He smiles at
the office, ready and excited to get to work.
ROB
Oh -- just like the old days!
on time, and --
Me
Buddy and Sally enter.
Morning, Rob!
Hi ya, Rob!
SALLY
BUDDY
ROB
Right on cue. Hey, fellas. Ready
to go?
Okay!
BUDDY
Buddy grabs his hat and heads out.
SALLY
Get back here. Don't you know it's
a whole ten more minutes until lunch?
Buddy comes back and closes the door.
BUDDY
That means I missed our coffee break.
ROB
So, everyone feel funny today?
SALLY
Rob, at our age, not feeling funny
feels funny.
BUDDY
I'm rarin' to go!
SALLY
Me, too. Comedy, here we come!
Buddy and Sally are equally eager.
Buddy goes to the sofa,
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
Sally goes to the typewriter. Rob opens his briefcase and
produces a laptop computer.
Hey, hey!
My laptop.
Your what?
BUDDY
What's that?
ROB
BUDDY
SALLY
It's a computer, Buddy.
BUDDY
Well, it looks like a fancy waffle
iron.
SALLY
(to Rob)
You'll have to excuse him, Rob.
He still thinks LaGuardia is mayor
of New York.
ROB
Buddy, do you still use carbon
paper, too?
BUDDY
Only to trace things. Put that
gizmo away, Rob. Sally will type.
ROB
But with this, you can eliminate
mistakes as you go.
M.J. enters. He carries a piece of paper.
M.J.
Well, good morning, everyone.
BUDDY
On second thought keep it open, Rob.
ROB
Hi, M.J. Just getting started.
M.J.
Could you do me a favor? I haven't
been called "M.J." in twenty years
Would you mind -- ?
ROB
Oh, of course -- "Mel." Gee, that'll
take some getting used to.
29.
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
Buddy stands up.
30.
M.J. notices Rob's computer.
M.J.
Oh, nice laptop, Rob.
BUDDY
Nice skintop, Mel.
(to others)
He's right. It sounds better.
Rob -Buddy!
Sally?
Mel --
M.J.
(laughing)
ROB
BUDDY
SALLY
Buddy mimics M.J. laughing.
M.J.
No, really. Rob -Rob sees Buddy.
Buddy!
ROB
M.J. turns around. Buddy looks innocent and points to Sally.
Sally!
BUDDY
M.J turns to Sally and Buddy silently laughs at Sally. She
points back at Buddy.
Mel!
SALLY
BUDDY
Well, I think we broke in using
"Mel" pretty nicely!
M.J.
Phew! I'm getting dizzy!
BUDDY
Well, don't fall over. Someone may
mistake your head for a watermelon.
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
ROB
Buddy, be nice!
SALLY
He is being nice.
M.J.
Buddy, do you know that you insulted
my dad over 3000 times in the five
years that Uncle Alan did his variety
show?
BUDDY
Yeah, well, I eased up on him the last
season.
M.J.
I brought the list of the show's
guest stars.
The others huddle around.
ROB
Wow! This is gonna be some show!
M.J.
And I know the three of you are
going to write a great script.
When I was growing up, you were
my heroes. I remember Dad coming
home with your newest script and
laughing for hours.
ROB
I never knew that.
BUDDY
You mean he actually liked our stuff?
SALLY
Well, how do you like that? He never
let on.
M.J.
And he'd let me read it, too. I was
amazed that you could write so much
every week. Seemed like a book.
(back to business)
Well, enough of that. I'll let you
get back to work.
M.J. starts to go, Buddy follows him.
Hey, Mel --
BUDDY
31.
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
32.
M.J. stops, everyone's waiting for a crack.
BUDDY
We'll write you a good one, kid.
M.J. smiles and leaves.
SALLY
That was nice, Buddy.
BUDDY
Phooey. Just when I was ready to
let him have it with one of my best
zingers, he turns nice on me. What
a world.
Rob closes his laptop.
ROB
Well, I don't know about you, but
I'm ready. Buddy -BUDDY
I shall assume the comedy position.
Buddy goes back to the sofa.
Sally --
ROB
SALLY
You got it, chief.
Sally goes to the typewriter.
ROB
(enthusiastically)
All right, then! Let's get to it
and write us a show!
Buddy and Sally agree and prepare to dive in.
However:
INT. OFFICE - NIGHT
It's been a long, unproductive day. Buddy sleeps on the sofa,
a newspaper over his face. Sally sits at the typewriter, and
props her head up with her hand. Rob stacks water cups on the
water cooler. Rob stops, rubs his eyes and tries to read his
watch.
ROB
I can't see anymore, what time
is it?
SALLY
About one-thirty.
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
ROB
How much have we written?
Buddy speaks from under the newspaper.
BUDDY
About one joke.
ROB
I can't believe this. A whole
day and we haven't written anything.
Did we really used to write an hour
show every week? How'd we do it?
BUDDY
Back then, if we didn't write, we
didn't eat.
SALLY
What do you say? Let's call it a night
before the sun comes up.
BUDDY
Yeah, I gotta get some sleep.
Sally starts to get up. Rob is frustrated.
ROB
No. No, sir. I'm not leaving here
until we write something more than
the title.
SALLY
Rob, look. We haven't written this
kind of stuff in twenty-five years!
Give it time. It'll come back to us.
BUDDY
Just like the I.R.S.
ROB
Come on. We're three good writers.
No -- we're three great writers. I
don't believe this.
Buddy is still "sleeping".
BUDDY
Maybe we're just trying too hard.
SALLY
Says The Mummy.
ROB
Look, we'll start with the monologue.
33.
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
BUDDY
Beats ending with the monologue.
ROB
We just write the monologue. Then we
can get out of here.
SALLY
Aw, what the heck? Too late for my
beauty sleep now.
Buddy starts to say something.
SALLY (cont'd)
I have a dart, Buddy!
ROB
Okay, now. Let's just -- think.
A pause. No ideas are forthcoming.
speak at the same time.
Buddy and Sally both
BUDDY
Well, we gave it a shot.
SALLY
(simultaneously)
I'm outta here.
Rob, defeated, shrugs.
ROB
I guess you fellas are right.
Now, we can't write a word in whole
day. Back then, we could write a
whole sketch in an hour.
SALLY
Don't take it too hard, Rob. Back
then, we could stay up three days
in row.
BUDDY
Now we can barely stay vertical.
Something's happening. The germ of an idea. They start to
sense this.
ROB
(pointedly, to Buddy)
Now, three bucks will only buy
a gallon of milk.
Buddy catches on.
34.
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
35.
BUDDY
(inspired)
Back then, three bucks would buy
you the whole cow.
This is it. The monologue idea is being born.
SALLY
Rob, that's it! Since Alan's coming
back after twenty-five years, he
opens with a "now and then" kinda
monologue!
ROB
Great! Let's see -- what else?
Rob and Buddy start pacing and thinking. Sally runs over to
the typewriter. The team is back!!!!!! Buddy nibbles on his
sandwich and tosses it in the trash.
BUDDY
Blech. I think that cheese is
older than I am.
Rob sees Buddy and gets another joke.
ROB
Oh! Uh ... now, we have garbage
disposals.
Back then --
SALLY
BUDDY
-- we had leftovers.
Sally starts typing feverishly.
SALLY
This is great, just great!
ROB
Now, you have to pay really high
taxes. Back then -BUDDY/SALLY
Same thing!!!!!
They cheer, happy that the magic's back.
BUDDY
Man, I hope I'm not dreaming this.
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
36.
INT. ROB AND LAURA'S BEDROOM - EARLY MORNING
It is just about dawn. Laura is in a deep sleep in their SOLO
King bed. Rob, just getting home from the all-night session,
slowly opens the bedroom door which creaks a bit. He stops
opening the door and tries to squeeze through the small
opening he has so the door squeak won't wake Laura.
Unfortunately, the gap is just a little too narrow and the
door flies open, but Rob catches it before it hits the wall.
Laura stirs.
Shhh!
ROB
(to door)
Rob opens the door a little more and manages to make it
through without making a sound. But in his silent joy, he
casually crosses toward the bathroom and stubs his toe. He
hobbles over to the bed and grabs a pillow just in time to
muffle his scream of pain. Laura stirs again.
Rob tries to tiptoe, but his toe hurts and he ends up
favoring his bad foot and limping in a circle. Finally:
LAURA
Turning a light on might help.
ROB
(reflex)
Thanks, honey.
He realizes she's awake. She sits up and turns on a lamp.
LAURA
Rob, it's almost six a.m.! Are you
just getting home now?
ROB
No, just thought I'd dress for
breakfast.
LAURA
You worked all night, didn't you?
Rob sits next to Laura.
ROB
Yeah, I'm sorry, honey. We didn't
write a thing all day and then,
bam! An idea hit us and we couldn't
stop. It was great! Just like old
times. Mad at me?
Laura smiles and gives him a kiss.
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
LAURA
Look at you. I haven't seen you this
excited in long time. How could I be
mad?
She snuggles back into the bed.
LAURA (cont'd)
Besides, I'm not the one who has
a meeting with the sponsor at nine.
Rob suddenly remembers and collapses on the bed.
Oh, no!
ROB
Laura giggles.
FADE OUT
END OF ACT THREE
37.
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
ACT FOUR
FADE INTO
INT. OFFICE
Rob, Buddy and Sally are working.
ROB
So where were we in the Mountie
sketch.
Sally looks at the paper in the typewriter.
SALLY
Uh, the mountie captures the
bank robber who turns out to be
his fiancee.
Buddy plays the mountie, Rob plays the girlfriend.
BUDDY
Okay, so the mountie says,"It
just goes to show you, we always
get our man."
ROB
And his girlfriend says, "But
darling, I'm a woman."
BUDDY
And the mountie says, "That's
okay, honey, just lower your
voice and nobody'll know the
difference."
Rob laughs. Sally nods.
SALLY
Not bad. Needs a little work,
but not bad.
Suddenly, Rob's cellular phone rings.
BUDDY
(alarmed)
What was that?
Rob produces his cel phone out of his pocket.
ROB
Just my cel phone.
Buddy clutches his chest.
38.
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
BUDDY
Whew. For a minute I thought my
pacemaker went dead.
ROB
Hello. Hi, honey! Guess who's
here?
(holds out phone)
Say hello to Laura.
Hi, Laura.
BUDDY/SALLY
BUDDY
Gee, she looks like a phone.
ROB
Well, we're just getting into it,
so I don't know.
(beat)
I'll call you later. Okay. I love
you, too.
He snaps the phone shut and puts it away.
SALLY
Aw, ain't that sweet? Married all
these years and they still say "I
love you" on the phone everyday.
What devotion, what loyalty, what
romance.
(sighs, beat)
What do you say we get back to work?
Rob's pager beeps.
Oh, my pager.
ROB
Rob looks at his pager and gets his cel phone back out.
BUDDY
Geez, Rob -- between the phone and
the beeper, you're a walking band!
SALLY
Give the guy a break, Buddy. You
have any idea what he pays every
year for batteries?
Rob dials.
BUDDY
I'll bet you couldn't last one
week without those gizmos.
39.
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
Rob opens his laptop.
ROB
What do you mean? Sure I could.
BUDDY
Look at that. You see?
that thing by habit.
You opened
ROB
I did not. I opened it so I could
get the notes on a new sketch idea.
SALLY
Speaking of sketch ideas -BUDDY
Oh, man, you couldn't give those up
if your life depended on it.
Oh, yeah?
ROB
Says who?
SALLY
I says we get to work and -BUDDY
Says fifty bucks. No cel phones, no
computers, no fax machines, nothing
that wasn't around twenty-five years
ago.
ROB
I'm not giving these up for fifty
bucks.
BUDDY
Okay, a hundred.
Sally stands and enters the ring.
SALLY
A hundred bucks? Buddy, are you nuts?
BUDDY
This is a sure thing.
SALLY
Put me down for fifty.
BUDDY
(to Rob)
Ha, ha! See?
On Rob.
SALLY
40.
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
41.
ROB
Okay. After I print out these notes,
no modern stuff until after the show.
Right.
BUDDY
ROB
But I keep the beeper in case of
emergencies.
BUDDY
Well, okay. I don't want to kill ya.
But you have to call back on a real
phone. You know, with wires and all.
It's a bet.
ROB
They shake hands. Suddenly both Rob's cel phone and pager go
off at the same time. Rob has trouble not answering. Buddy
rubs his hands together.
BUDDY
This will be the easiest hundred
bucks I ever made.
Rob, calmly, goes over to the desk phone and calls someone.
ROB
Hi, Laurie. It's me. Oh, you just
called me back?
Buddy silently laughs.
ROB
Well, I just called to tell you that
my cel phone is broken, so if you
need me, just call me here, okay?
(beat)
Okay. Love you, too.
Sally goes back to the typewriter.
SALLY
Again with the love.
Bye.
ROB
Rob hangs up. Sally takes out the other sheet of paper and
puts a fresh one in. She begins typing furiously.
ROB
See, Buddy? Nothing to it.
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
42.
BUDDY
Yeah, we'll see how easy it is when
you're stuck somewhere and you're
out of quarters.
ROB
It'll never happen.
They notice Sally typing furiously.
ROB (cont'd)
Sally, what's gotten into you?
BUDDY
Yeah, you're typing so fast you're
gonna rub the letters off the keys.
SALLY
I'm writing the sketch.
Which sketch?
ROB
SALLY
The "two morons bet on technology"
sketch.
Rob and Buddy smile and join in.
INT. LIVING ROOM - EVENING
Rob enters. He puts his coat down and instinctively grabs the
remote control. He aims at the TV, but catches himself.
ROB
Wait a minute, did we have remotes
in 1971? Yeah. Yeah, our first color
set had a remote control.
He starts to use it, but can't bring himself to do it.
ROB
But they weren't this fancy.
to be on the safe side.
Just
Rob looks around for a place to put the remote. He considers
a plant.
ROB
No, Laura might water it.
He looks at the fireplace.
ROB
No, I'd probably melt it.
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
43.
He finally settles on sticking it behind a couch cushion.
There!
ROB
LAURA (O.S.)
Rob, is that you?
ROB
No, just a good-looking burglar.
Laura enters. She carries a calculator.
LAURA
In that case, we'd better hurry. My
husband will be home any minute.
She gives him a big kiss.
Whatcha doing?
ROB
LAURA
Just going over the figures from
the dance studio. Millie wanted
me to doublecheck the books.
Laura sits down where Rob hid the remote.
What the -- ?
The TV comes on.
LAURA
Rob darts over to the TV to turn it off. He realizes he
doesn't know where the Power button is. He hits a number of
buttons until the set goes off.
ROB
Uh, power surge. So, how'd you do?
LAURA
We had a great quarter,
Wanna see?
She holds out the calculator. Rob shields his eyes and turns
away like a vampire from a crucifix.
No!
ROB
(calmer)
I mean, "So! Good for you!" I am
so hungry.
He heads for the kitchen.
LAURA
We have some microwavables in the
freezer.
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
44.
She is punching in a bunch of figures.
INT. KITCHEN
Rob enters.
tray.
By habit, he opens the freezer, grabs a food
ROB
Ooh, boy. Turkey.
He opens the microwave door, but stops, remembering the bet.
Laura?
Honey?
What is it?
ROB
LAURA (O.S.)
ROB
When did they start making microwaves?
LAURA (O.S.)
I don't know. The mid-70's, I guess.
Rob puts the frozen food back in the freezer.
Rats.
ROB
Laura returns and gets a glass from the cabinet.
LAURA
Really? I could have sworn I bought
"Mouse".
She opens the refrigerator to grab some juice. Rob tries to
look around her and into the refrigerator.
ROB
What else we got to eat?
LAURA
Darling, what is it? Something
wrong with the turkey dinner?
ROB
Hmm? Oh, nothing. I, uh, had turkey
for lunch.
Laura opens the freezer and produces a stack of trays.
LAURA
Well, let's see -- we've got chicken,
macaroni and cheese, spaghetti ...
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
ROB
Spaghetti! That sounds good.
All rightee.
LAURA
Laura starts to put it in the microwave and Rob darts over
and grabs the microwave door.
ROB
No, wait! Stop!
Laura jumps back a step.
LAURA
Robert Simpson Petrie, what's gotten
into you?
ROB
I changed my mind.
LAURA
What?
ROB
Tell you what. Why don't you let me
take you out tonight?
Laura is suddenly suspicious.
Again?
Huh?
LAURA
What did you do?
Me?
ROB
Nothing.
LAURA
This is two nights out in a row.
You never take me out two nights
in a row unless you've done
something.
ROB
I never do that. And besides, this
time you're wrong.
Aha!
LAURA
ROB
"Aha", nothing. Is it a crime that
I want to take out my gorgeous wife
two nights in a row?
He gives her a quick kiss.
45.
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
LAURA
In some states, yes.
Rob starts ushering Laura out the door.
ROB
Well, just go get gussied up and
we'll go eat -- and maybe go dancing.
LAURA
Dancing?!?! This must be something
really bad.
And Laura is gone.
ROB
(mumbling)
Buddy. This stupid bet is going
to end up costing more than it'll
make me.
Rob exits.
INT. NINO'S
As it was before. Rob and Laura enter.
LAURA
Gosh, it's changed so much since
we were here last.
Very funny.
ROB
Nino happily walks up to them.
NINO
Mr. and Mrs. Petrie! Back for an
encore?
ROB
No singing tonight. Just chewing.
Nino leans into Rob.
NINO
This way, please.
They head toward their table.
LAURA
So, are you going to tell me what
this is about?
ROB
What what is about?
46.
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
47.
LAURA
Well, first you want to eat out again,
and then you insist we take the old
Plymouth Fury.
ROB
It's about nothing. There's nothing
to tell because nothing is all I'd
have to tell you if I told you.
LAURA
Well, for nothing to say you sure
are talking a lot.
ROB
Yeah, but it's about nothing.
They arrive at their table. Nino gets Laura's chair for her.
LAURA
Thank you, Nino.
NINO
Do you need menus, or do you have
it memorized?
Rob shoots him a look. Nino flashes a grin. Laura laughs.
Nino gives them menus.
LAURA
Ooh, it all still looks so good.
She puts her menu down.
LAURA
I'll have the salmon.
ROB
Wow! That was fast.
Laura stands.
LAURA
Well, darling, now I'll have more
time to work on finding out what
you're up to.
She gives him a quick kiss.
Be right back.
LAURA
Laura excuses herself and Rob signals the waiter. Nino, still
nearby, eavesdrops.
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
ROB
(aside to waiter)
Say, none of this is microwaved,
is it?
WAITER
(outraged)
Senoré!!!
NINO
(slightly sarcastic)
Mr. Petrie, you know very well
everything is handmade and cooked.
Why, even as we speak, our hostess
is in the back, churning the butter.
ROB
No, I was just curious.
NINO
If you are worried about what machines
we use to prepare the food, there
is an Amish cafe two doors down.
Buddy and Sally enter and see Rob.
Hey, Rob!
SALLY
Rob stands.
ROB
Hey, guys! What are you doing here?
BUDDY
We came to get our hair cut. Why do
you think we're here! To eat!
SALLY
And Buddy wanted to spy on you.
Spy on me?
ROB
BUDDY
Hey, a hundred bucks is a hundred
bucks.
ROB
(proudly)
Well, so far my money is safe. I
got home and didn't use the remote
control or the microwave.
BUDDY
Ooh. That's roughing it!
48.
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
49.
SALLY
Millie told us you were here.
Laura returns. She is overjoyed to see Buddy and Sally.
Buddy! Sally!
surprise!
LAURA
What a wonderful
They embrace.
BUDDY
Laura, you look fantastic!
SALLY
Laura, it's so great to see ya.
Suddenly, Laura looks at the three of them. Rob is a little
nervous.
ROB
Uh, honey. What's wrong?
LAURA
Are they part of what you've done?
SALLY
Rob's done something?
LAURA
Last night, Rob refused to use his
credit card to pay for dinner.
Buddy glances at Rob who mouths the words "magnetic stripe"
and gestures. Buddy silently laughs. Laura almost catches
them. The waiter brings menus to Buddy and Sally.
LAURA
Something's going on here.
BUDDY
Yeah. Cooking's going on here.
Let's order some of it!
SALLY
So, how's Ritchie?
Rich.
ROB/LAURA
SALLY
Darn. I knew I should have waited
for him. Let's eat.
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
LAURA
Order whatever you want. I'm sure
Rob brought plenty of beads to pay
with.
Lots of laughter, Rob's the most nervous.
FADE OUT
END OF ACT FOUR
50.
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
ACT FIVE
FADE INTO
INT. OFFICE
Rob, Buddy and Sally are finishing the script.
ROB
Okay, we write Alan's closer and
we're finished.
BUDDY
Okay. What about, "Well, folks,
it's good to know that after 25
years I can still make you laugh.
It's even better to know that I
can still breathe without a
respirator."
SALLY
Too medical. How about, "Well,
folks, it was a lot of fun being
with you one more time. As a famous
woman once said, 'Old friends are
like old wine. They only improve
with age, unless they turn to
vinegar and then they're only good
with a salad.'"
Rob and Buddy don't laugh. They look at each other.
ROB
(to Sally)
What famous woman said that?
My Aunt Agnes.
SALLY
BUDDY
How do you like that woman? She died
twenty years ago and can still bring
a conversation to a complete stop.
ROB
Let's see. I think Aunt Agnes was on
the right track about old friends.
SALLY
This could be a first.
ROB
Um -- got it! "Well, goodnight, folks.
It was great seeing you all again.
And remember: old friends are the
51.
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
best friends, because they'll always
forget that you owe them money."
That's it!
BUDDY/SALLY
Sally proudly types the line as Rob and Buddy shake hands.
ROB
Well, fellas, we did it. It took a
little while longer than it used to,
but we actually did it.
BUDDY
My brain hurts.
SALLY
Then stop thinking.
She pulls the page out of the typewriter and stacks the
script together.
BUDDY
I don't think I could come up with
another joke if you paid me. Well,
paid me more.
M.J. enters, panicked.
M.J.
I've got some terrible news.
BUDDY
They recalled Rogaine.
(realizing)
Hey, I'm back!
ROB
What is it, Mel?
M.J.
One of our guest stars had to
bow out.
What?
SALLY
We just finished!
She shows M.J. the script.
Who, Mel?
ROB
M.J.
Lola Evans. She got a movie and
has to fly out tonight.
52.
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
ROB
But we go live the day after
tomorrow.
M.J.
Fortunately, she just had the one
dance number and one sketch with
Alan. One of the other guests can
take the musical spot, but -ROB
We have to throw out the Mountie
sketch and write a whole new one.
SALLY
You want us to write a whole new
sketch in two days?
M.J.
One day. We need another day to
rehearse and build the set.
Oh, no.
ROB
BUDDY
Tell you what -- put me in a wig
and I'll do the sketch.
M.J.
I don't like it any more than you
do. Look, the script is terrific
and the show's going to be great.
We just have this great big hole
that we need to fill.
Buddy opens his mouth, but:
Buddy!
ROB/SALLY
ROB
We'll get right on it, Mel.
M.J.
Thanks, Rob. And I'm very sorry.
I'll say.
BUDDY
M.J. laughs and exits.
BUDDY (cont'd)
That kid has one weird sense of
humor.
53.
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
54.
ROB
Okay, gang ... let's get to it.
INT. LIVING ROOM
Rob is asleep on the sofa. Laura and Millie enter.
MILLIE
Well, if we order a gross of ballet
slippers we can save a lot more.
Rob snorts. Laura sees him.
LAURA
Ooh, be quiet, Millie. Rob's
finally getting some sleep. He was
up late last night finishing the
script.
Poor guy.
MILLIE
They walk over to him. Laura adjusts his blanket. Rob stirs.
He is dreaming about the bet.
No pagers.
ROB
MILLIE
What did he say?
LAURA
Sounded like "no pictures."
MILLIE
Boy, talk about your ego.
ROB
(lovingly)
Laura -Aw.
LAURA
ROB
Laura, don't put me in the
microwave!
Laura and Millie stifle laughs.
LAURA
Can't wait to hear this dream.
MILLIE
I gotta go. See you tonight, Laura.
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
55.
Millie tiptoes out. Laura looks at Rob, waiting to hear more.
ROB
Don't touch my phone. Don't
touch my phone!
Suddenly, the phone rings. Rob opens his eyes and sees Laura
looming over him. He falls off the sofa.
Aaaaa!
ROB
LAURA
Honey, are you all right?
ROB
Why were you staring at me like
that?
Like what?
LAURA
ROB
Like a vulture or something.
Laura laughs. Rob answers the phone.
INT. OFFICE / INT. LIVING ROOM
(INTERCUT AS NEEDED)
Buddy, Sally and M.J. are on the speaker phone.
Hello?
ROB
(beat)
What? Hold it. Slow down, Buddy.
What is it?
BUDDY
We gotta write some more stuff for
the monologue.
Laura enters the living room.
ROB
But the show's tonight! We already
rewrote a sketch yesterday. What's
wrong with the monologue?
SALLY
Alan's going nuts. He's nervous!
M.J.
Uncle Alan feels if he has more
material to choose from, he can do
a better opening.
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
ROB
Oh, boy -- just when you think you
can relax. Okay, okay. Let me get
my typewriter.
Sally glares at Buddy.
Rob?
LAURA
ROB
Honey, this might go down to the
wire. Why don't I just meet you at
the studio tonight?
LAURA
Oh, Okay. I have some errands to
run. See you tonight. And don't
worry, darling -- I'd never put
you in the microwave.
She gives him a quick kiss and goes.
confused.
Rob's understandably
SPIN FRAME
INT. LIVING ROOM/ INT. OFFICE - AFTERNOON - ROB
still on the phone and at his typewriter.
ROB
Okay. Got it, got it.
Rob sits back, glad to be finished.
ROB
That should do it. I'll just fax
over the changes and meet you at
the studio near air time.
BUDDY
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whaddya mean
"fax", Future Boy?
ROB
Buddy, I'm not kiddin' around.
We're three hours from air and
Alan needs these changes.
BUDDY
Well, then, I guess you'll have
drive it down the "old-fashioned"
way.
56.
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
SALLY
Buddy! This is serious.
BUDDY
So's a hundred bucks!
ROB
Buddy, if you knew this was going
to happen, why didn't you say
something before we started so
Sally could have typed this down
there?
SALLY
Yeah, Mr. Smart Guy.
Buddy is caught.
BUDDY
Well, I,uh ... um ... oh, sure.
Blame me.
Buddy!!!!
ROB/SALLY
BUDDY
Okay, okay, the bet's off.
SALLY
That's the smartest thing you've
said this decade.
ROB
No. No, the bet's not off. After
all I've gone through to prove
my point, I'm not about to blow
it now. I'm putting on my tux three
hours early and I'll personally
drive these down there.
SALLY
But, Rob, why don't you just read
it back to me and I'll retype -ROB
I'll be there in thirty minutes.
Buddy, have that hundred bucks
waiting. Goodbye!
Rob!
Rob!
SALLY
Rob hangs up, grabs the papers and heads for the bedroom.
Sally glares at Buddy.
57.
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SALLY
And he won't answer his cel phone.
Way to go, Marconi.
INT. ROB'S CAR
Rob, now in his tux, gets into his car. He is not happy.
ROB
This is gonna be the last stupid
bet I ever make.
Rob turns the key. The car cranks but doesn't turn over.
ROB
Boy, how could I be so stupid
to make a bet like this?
He tries again. Same result. He looks at the dashboard and
lowers his head onto the steering wheel in shame.
ROB
The same way I could be so stupid
that I run out of gas in my own
driveway!
FADE OUT
END OF ACT FIVE
58.
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59.
ACT SIX
FADE INTO
INT. HALLWAY (PRESENT TIME)
LAURA
Rob, I told you to put gas in the
car, didn't I?
Rob looks at himself and then at Laura.
ROB
Well, honey, that's kind of a
moot point now, isn't it?
Laura realizes this wasn't the time to bring it up.
LAURA
(quietly)
Well, I did ...
ROB
So I called for a cab.
INT. CAB (FLASHBACK)
A middle-aged CAB DRIVER (GUS) is waiting as Rob gets in.
GUS
Where to?
CBS, please.
ROB
He checks his watch.
ROB
Two hours, no problem.
Two hours?
GUS
Twenty minutes.
Thanks, um --
Tops.
ROB
Rob checks the hack license for the driver's name.
LONG name.
Augustus.
ROB
GUS
Just call me Gus.
It is a
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
Gus. Great.
60.
ROB
As they pull out, Rob can't keep from staring at the hack
license. He tries to silently sound out the last name.
GUS
Might be a little traffic this
time of day. Shouldn't be a
problem.
Rob, still working on Gus' last name, doesn't hear. Gus sees
this in the rear view mirror and smiles. Apparently, this
happens a lot.
GUS
Of course, if we get in a jam,
I can call the aliens on my
radio and they can just beam
you over to CBS.
ROB
Uh, huh. That's fine.
Gus laughs.
GUS
That last name is a mouthful,
isn't it?
Rob snaps to.
ROB
Hmmm? Oh! No, I wasn't looking
at -- I mean, I was just, uh -how do you pronounce it?
GUS
Tell you what. Take a shot at
it. If you get it on the first
try, the ride's free.
Rob smiles at the friendly challenge.
ROB
Okay, I -(a thought)
Hey, if I don't get it right, I
don't have to pay double, do I?
GUS
(laughing)
No, sir. Go ahead. It brightens
my otherwise meager existence.
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Rob goes through some silent oral contortions and almost
speaks a few times. Finally:
ROB
"The door is copious"?
GUS
Hey, not bad! You made a sentence
out of it! That's better than
most people do! Actually, it's
"Theodorakopoulos".
ROB
Wow! Greek, huh?
GUS
You bet your baklava.
ROB
Augustus Theo -- theo -GUS
Just remember "My bonnie lies over
the ocean." Same pattern.
Rob thinks and then says perfectly:
ROB
Augustus Theodorakopoulos. Hey, I
did it.
Opa!
GUS
You're a natural!
ROB
That's quite an impressive name,
Gus.
GUS
You're telling me. It barely fits
on my credit cards!
They laugh and the ride continues.
SPIN FRAME
INT. TAXI
A little while later. Gus pulls the cab off the road.
ROB
Gus, is there a problem?
61.
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62.
GUS
Sorry, just running low on gas.
Just take a few minutes. That
okay?
Rob remembers his own costly gas mistake.
ROB
No. I mean yes. Please! Get the
gas. I could use a quick stretch
myself.
Both Rob and Gus get out of the cab.
middle-age Texas businessman gets in
cab, thinking it's available. He is
a big cowboy hat. He spots something
After a moment, a
the other side of the
T.C. BOWMAN and he wears
on the floor.
T.C.
Dang. Is that a smudge on my new
boots?
He leans over out of view. Rob returns, opens the door and
starts to get back in. Gus gets back in the driver's side.
ROB
Well, let's get to CBS, or -Suddenly, T.C. sits up and into view.
Well, howdy!
Whoa!
He is all smiles.
T.C.
GUS
ROB
Oh, excuse me. I didn't know anyone
was in here.
T.C.
Just had somethin' on my boot.
GUS
I'm sorry, sir. But this gentleman
was already riding in this cab.
T.C.
Really? Shoot, son. I'm sorry. I'm
willin' to share the ride.
(nudging Rob)
And split the cost!
ROB
Well, I'd really like to, uh --
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
T.C.
63.
T.C.
T.C. Bowman.
Robert Petrie.
ROB
They shake hands.
T.C.
Pleasure to met ya, Bobby! Say,
did I hear you say you was goin'
to CBS?
Uh, yes.
Me, too!
ROB
T.C.
Let's git a-goin'!.
Rob checks his watch and, with no other real choice, agrees.
ROB
Well, uh, okay, Mr. Bowman.
T.C.
What's this "Mr. Bowman" stuff, Bobby?
Call me "T.C."
(to driver)
Giddyup, son.
Rob nods to Gus. The taxi pulls out.
tickets from his coat pocket.
T.C. pulls out some
T.C.
Yes, sir. Got me tickets to "The
Price Is Right". Got an extra one.
Wanna come?
ROB
Oh, thank you, no.
T.C.
You sure? That Bob Barker is one
funny guy! It'd be a real hoot!
ROB
Yes, I'm sure it would be. Actually,
I kind of work at CBS.
T.C.
You one of them big TV stars?
ROB
No, just a little TV writer.
really do --
I
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
A writer?
Bobby?
T.C.
You pullin' my leg,
Rob looks down and lifts up his hand.
Gus arches an eyebrow.
ROB
Oh, I was looking for an armrest.
T.C.
Naw, I mean you're really a writer?
ROB
Yes. For Alan Brady.
T.C. is tickled. He lights up.
T.C.
Alan Brady?!?! You're writin' for
Alan Brady?
Rob nods and looks through his rewrites.
ROB
Ever since he started in TV.
T.C.
Alan Brady. No kiddin'. Boy, could
that man make me laugh.
(beat)
Ain't he dead?
Not yet.
64.
ROB
FREEZE FRAME
ROB'S VOICE
Well, the cab ride continued and
I guess I started worrying about
the show, because I didn't talk
very much. Until -SPIN FRAME
INT. CAB
A few minutes later. Rob looks over his rewrites.
T.C.
Say, Bobby -- you been quieter than
a cat at a dog show. Anythin' wrong?
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
ROB
Hmm? Oh, no, T.C. Just going over
some last minute rewrites for the
show tonight.
T.C.
The show's tonight? Wow! You Hollywood
types lead excitin' lives.
ROB
You have no idea.
Suddenly, Rob gets a foot cramp and leans over.
ROB
Ow!
T.C.
What's the matter, Bobby?
ROB
Foot cramp. It's these stupid
shoes.
T.C. looks down at Rob's feet.
Rob doesn't understand.
ROB
Oh, uh, left foot.
T.C.
Say, those are pretty nice.
Italian, huh?
Gus thinks T.C. is talking to him.
Uh -- yeah.
Yeah.
ROB
GUS
(simultaneously)
T.C. looks at his foot then back at Rob's.
Wanna swap?
Huh?
T.C.
ROB
(off-guard)
T.C.
Wanna swap? My rattlesnake boots
for your Italian shoes. I figure
we're both size ten.
65.
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
66.
ROB
Well, yeah, but -Done!
T.C.
T.C. shakes Rob's hand and starts to take off his boots. Gus
sees this in the rear view mirror and doesn't believe it.
Huh? But I --
ROB
T.C.
Always wanted me a pair of them
Italian shoes. Just didn't like the
stores that sold 'em. Snooty clerks
and all.
T.C. gives his boots to Rob.
Well?
T.C.
Rob, reluctantly takes off his shoes and gives them to T.C.
ROB
Uh, here you go, T.C.
T.C. happily puts the shoes on. Rob struggles with the boots.
T.C.
Well, lookie here. I got fancy
feet! Your foot still hurt, Bobby?
ROB
It's fine. But I think I just
sprained my back. Rattlesnake,
huh?
Yes, sirree!
T.C.
Shot 'em myself.
T.C. chuckles and pats his coat pocket, indicating a gun of
some kind. Rob swallows. He and Gus exchange a worried look.
ROB
Say, uh, T.C. -- why don't you
let me buy you a map to the
stars' homes? It's the least I
could do.
T.C.
Really? Well, jeepers, Bobby,
that'd be swell.
Gus catches on and horribly acts his part out.
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
GUS
Oh, look. There's someone selling
some now.
(to T.C.)
On your side, sir.
T.C.
Oh, in that case, let me get it.
Rob quickly pulls out some money.
On me, T.C.
ROB
T.C. tips his hat and gets out of the cab.
T.C.
Be back before you can say, "Come
on down!"
T.C. laughs. Rob and Gus laugh, too.
T.C. goes.
ROB
(to Gus)
Giddyup, Gus.
And they eagerly zoom away.
FADE OUT
END OF ACT SIX
67.
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68.
ACT SEVEN
FADE INTO
INT. HOTEL BAR (FLASHBACK)
It is fairly upscale. At one table sit four SCOTSMEN wearing
kilts. A MAN in a tux sits at the bar.
ROB'S VOICE (V.O.)
Well, after getting rid of T.C.,
we found out there were traffic
problems everywhere and we couldn't
take the freeways.
Rob enters, looking for a phone.
ROB'S VOICE (V.O.)
So I decided to stop off for a minute
to call Buddy and Sally to let them
know I'd be a little later than I
expected.
Rob approaches the bar and the BARTENDER.
ROB
Excuse me, your pay phone seems
to be out of order. Do you have
a phone -- ?
The bartender lifts a phone up and gives it to Rob.
ROB
Thanks very much.
Rob reaches for the receiver, but the bartender doesn't take
his hand off it. Rob tries to negotiate underneath his hand
and then looks at the bartender.
ROB
Say, your hand is, uh -- I need
both parts of the -- um ...
The bartender clears his throat. Rob catches on.
ROB
Oh. Oh. Could I have a club soda
with lime?
The bartender keeps looking at Rob, not moving his hand.
ROB
And make it a double?
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
69.
The bartender moves his hand and makes the drink. Rob dials.
ROB
Hi, this is Rob Petrie, could
you -- no, don't put me on -hold.
Rob is on hold. Nervously, he glances around and finally
sees the table of Scotsmen. The bartender comes back with
Rob's drink.
ROB
Say, who are they?
The bartender glances over at the table.
stands.
To Edinburgh!
To Edinburgh!
One of the men
SCOTSMAN #1
OTHER SCOTSMEN
They drink. The bartender glances back at Rob.
BARTENDER
Scots, I'd guess.
ROB
(to bartender)
Good guess.
BARTENDER
Look, "laddies", you wanna keep
it down?
The bartender looks at Rob who finally pays for his drink.
The bartender goes. Someone answers the other end of the
phone call.
ROB
Yes! Hello! Yes! Yes, this is
Rob Petrie. I really need to talk
to Alan and -He's put back on hold.
Rob looks at the man next to him.
ROB
I'm on hold again.
MAN (MARTIN)
Don't you hate that?
Boy, do I.
ROB
I'm --
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
70.
Martin suddenly gestures for Rob to be silent.
MARTIN
Rob. Rob Petrie.
ROB
(surprised)
Wow, you're good!
He offers his hand.
MARTIN
Martin. Martin the Magnificent.
As he reaches to shake hands, a bouquet of flowers appears.
MAGICIAN
Oops. Hate it when that happens,
too.
ROB
So how'd you do that? With my name
and all?
MARTIN
I eavesdropped.
Rob understands and laughs.
ROB
What other stuff do you do?
MARTIN
Card tricks, vanishing acts, escape
tricks. The usual things.
Escapes, huh?
ROB
MARTIN
People still like that kind of
stuff. I just did a birthday party
upstairs.
SCOTSMAN #2
To the clan MacLaren!
OTHER SCOTSMEN
To the clan MacLaren!
They drink.
ROB
Gee, they seem to be having a
good time.
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
Rob hears something on the phone.
ROB
(into phone)
Hello? Hello? Darn.
INT. OFFICE
M.J. is pacing. Buddy and Sally knock and enter.
SALLY
Any sign of Rob yet?
M.J.
No. Are your sure you don't have
copies of the rewrites?
BUDDY
No. We did them over the phone.
Only Rob has them.
M.J.
Can't you just rewrite them from
memory?
SALLY
We couldn't to that to Rob. Most
of the new stuff was his, and I
don't wanna change it.
BUDDY
Besides between the two of us we
barely have one memory these days.
SALLY
Well, I got mine, so I guess we
know where that leaves you.
M.J.
He could just fax them here.
BUDDY
Fax? Why in our day we didn't
need fax machines. We had office
boys -- and your dad.
SALLY
You'd think he'd at least call.
(to Buddy, angry)
On a real phone. You know, with
wires.
71.
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
72.
BAR - ROB
still on hold. The bartender comes back.
BARTENDER
Excuse me, but I need the phone
back to call security. These guys
are going to cause trouble.
ROB
How can you tell?
To Braveheart!
To Braveheart!
SCOTSMAN #1
OTHER SCOTSMEN
ROB
(helping)
9-1-1. It's 9-1-1.
A cop comes in before the bartender dials.
COP
Hey, Johnny. What's up?
BARTENDER
Got a Scottish family reunion in
the hotel. Looks like they're
taking the high road tonight.
COP
Okay, I'll stick around for a few
minutes.
Rob looks over at the Scotsmen. The cop puts his handcuffs on
the counter for a moment. He writes on his note pad. Rob
turns back around. He sees the handcuffs. He smiles at
Martin who nods back, not knowing what Rob is referring to.
Rob slowly, casually puts the handcuffs on one wrist and tugs
at it, trying to get it open. Martin returns to the bar.
ROB
Gee, these feel real. Wait, what
am I doing? I need to get going. I
give up. Could you take these off,
Martin?
MARTIN
Well, Rob, I'd really like to.
ROB
So what do you do, snap your
fingers or something like that?
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
73.
MARTIN
Something like that. But the
trouble is, it only works with my
handcuffs.
ROB
Your handcuffs? You mean -- ?
Sorry.
MARTIN
The cop turns around. Rob immediately hides his cuffed hand
so quickly that he slaps his leg with the cuff. He winces in
pain, but changes it to a smile at the cop.
COP
You're a happy guy, aren't you?
Hey, where are my handcuffs?
(to Rob)
You seen my handcuffs?
ROB
Well, uh -- officer, it's like
this. I was -- you see, I
thought that your -- um -Rob is caught, until Martin produces a pair.
MARTIN
Here you are, officer. They slid
down the bar.
ROB
Oh, look. Here they are now.
The cop puts them back on as Rob sees his cuffs are still on.
COP
(to Rob)
You're very odd.
Rob gestures to Martin "Are those yours?" Martin nods and
starts to leave. Rob starts to shake his hand, but remembers
the cuffs and waves with his other hand. Scotsman #1 goes up
to the bar. He carries a drink.
SCOTSMAN #1
Barkeep. I hold in my hand the last
of the Scotch. Would ye be so kind
as to fetch another bottle, please?
BARTENDER
Sorry. Your "clan's" had enough for
one night.
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
74.
SCOTSMAN #1
Oh, drat. Then I guess this one
will have to last me for awhile.
He turns and starts to toast.
SCOTSMAN #1
To -He collides with Rob, and the drink spills on Rob's pants.
Rob stands there, defeated. He looks at the Scotsman. The
cop stands up, ready to arrest someone.
-- Scotchgard?
ROB
Oblivious, the others at the table respond in reflex.
To Scotchgard!
OTHER SCOTSMEN
INT. CAB
Rob gets back in. He manages to hide the handcuffs. Gus
casually glances back.
GUS
Gee, I was getting worried and -He notices something in the rear view mirror.
GUS
Hey, Rob -- you wearin' a dress?
Rob adjusts how he is sitting, his handcuff flies into Gus'
view.
ROB
It's called a kilt. Of the, uh,
Clan Petrie. Never mind.
GUS
Hey, I don't judge, I just drive.
(to himself)
Gotta remember that bar.
They continue along.
FADE OUT
END OF ACT SEVEN
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
75.
ACT EIGHT
FADE INTO
INT. BUS DEPOT (FLASHBACK)
Rob is at the payphone, on hold.
ROB'S VOICE (V.O.)
Well, since the bar didn't work
out, I ran next door to the bus
station and tried to call again.
After a moment, the SCHMIDTs, a German family, enters. They
are obviously a polka band, and dressed in complete
traditional lederhosen garb. The father, DEITER, carries a
tuba. The mother, ANYA, carries an accordion. The daughter,
GRETA, carries a clarinet. And the little boy, HANS, carries
a drum.
They chatter in German, excited about being in Los Angeles.
Rob speaks louder into the phone to be heard over their
chatter.
ROB
Sally? It's me, Rob! ROB!!!!
(beat)
Huh? I don't know it's a polka band
or something.
The German family perks up when they hear the word "polka".
Polka!!!!
SCHMIDTS
Deiter stomps his foot and counts them into a song.
DEITER
Eins, zwei -- eins, zwei, drei, vier!
Suddenly the family rolls into "Beer Barrel Polka." Rob is
stunned, but he still tries to talk to Sally.
ROB
I don't know. They must be filming
a beer commercial or something.
(to Schmidts)
Would you mind not -- I said, would
you mind -(into phone)
Sally, this is not a gag. Sally!
(beat)
Sally, don't hang --
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
PASSERSBY stop and start to give the Schmidts money. Near
defeat, Rob sits down near the band and tries to plan his
next move. The Schmidts finish to the applause of others.
They bow and happily collect the money.
INT. OFFICE
Sally hangs up the phone, laughing.
Oh, that Rob.
What?
SALLY
M.J.
What is it?
SALLY
He said he's at a bus station with
a polka band.
Buddy starts laughing.
What?
M.J.
What are we going to do?
BUDDY
You don't get it, kid. Rob's
trying to get back at me over
a stupid bet we made.
SALLY
Yeah, he's just trying to scare
Buddy. He's okay.
M.J.
You're sure nothing's really wrong?
BUDDY
A polka band at the bus station?
Nothing's wrong.
SALLY
Yeah, let's go get ready for tonight.
They start to leave the office. M.J. stays behind.
M.J.
I think I'll just wait around until
he gets here.
SALLY
Well, I hope you brought a sandwich
for dinner. Knowing Rob, he's gonna
cut it real close.
76.
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
A polka band!
77.
BUDDY
And Buddy and Sally leave, laughing. M.J. is still a little
worried.
INT. BUS STATION
Rob fishes for more change to make another phone call. He
doesn't have enough.
ROB
Rats. No more change. I'll just
have to use my phone card -(realizing)
-- which hadn't been invented yet!
Rob goes over to the newsstand line to get more change.
Deiter stands near Rob. After a moment, Hans walks over to
Rob and stares at him.
ROB
Oh, uh. Hi. Guten tag.
Hans smiles widely and bows.
HANS
Guten tag! I am Hans Schmidt. And
you are -- wearing a dress.
ROB
Yes. Yes, I am.
Anya comes over.
ANYA
Hans! Leave this man alone.
(to Rob)
I am sorry.
ROB
Oh, no. No trouble at all. You
play very well.
Anya and Hans bow in gratitude.
She looks at Rob's kilt.
ANYA
You play bagpipes, ya?
Uh, no.
ROB
ANYA
We are here to make record.
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
Oh? Polka?
78.
ROB
The Schmidts perk up.
Polka!!!
SCHMIDTS
Here we go again. Hans and Anya run into formation.
realizes his error too late.
Eins, zwei -Wait!
Rob
DEITER
ROB
DEITER
Eins, zwei, drei, vier!
And they go into another verse of "Beer Barrel Polka."
Passersby start glaring at Rob. Enough is enough. Rob is very
embarrassed and defensive.
ROB
I'm sorry! I didn't know!
As Rob pretends to the Schmidts to enjoy their music, he
doesn't notice Hans spotting his handcuffs. After a couple of
attempts at grabbing them, Hans manages to grab them. He
tries nudging Deiter to ask what they are. When Deiter
doesn't answer, Hans plays with them. Rob feels the tug on
his wrist.
Hans, nein!!!
ROB
Nein!!!!
But he is too slow to keep Hans from inadvertently attaching
them to Deiter's tuba.
INT. CAB
Rob climbs back in -- the front seat. He tries maneuvering
with the tuba.
GUS
I'm afraid to ask, Rob.
ROB
It's really better if you don't.
GUS
Well, let's get going.
Rob is feeling very sheepish.
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
79.
ROB
Hold on a second, Gus.
Rob rolls down the window.
ROB
Okay, let's go!
(beat, in German)
Roust!
Suddenly the Schmidt family piles into the back seat. Gus is
at a loss for words.
ROB
We need to stop at their hotel
first.
GUS
We're cutting it awfully close.
ROB
Well, it's either this, or buy
their tuba.
Gus shrugs and they head out. The Schmidts are all smiles.
INT. CONTROL ROOM (PRESENT TIME)
Rob is looking at the tuba.
ROB
We got to know each other pretty
well in that cab.
LAURA
But you made it here and safe,
and that's what counts.
ROB
Well, not quite. I had one last
little obstacle.
EXT. CBS SECURITY GATE - NIGHT (FLASHBACK)
With tuba in town, Rob approaches the guard at the gate.
ROB'S VOICE (V.O.)
Gus dropped me off at the security
gate and I headed in, but -Rob starts to walk in, but a security GUARD (whose face we
cannot see yet) lowers the guardrail. Rob stops.
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
80.
ROB
Excuse me, I need to get in here.
I'm in a very big hurry.
The guard shines a very bright flashlight in Rob's eyes.
GUARD
Hey, buddy. We're all in a hurry.
We hear a dog GROWL from inside the booth.
backs up a few steps.
Down, Gunther!
Rob instinctively
GUARD
Go chew on an usher.
ROB
You don't understand, if I don't
get these rewrites inside in five
minutes, Alan Brady will go on
live television in front of millions
with no opening monologue.
GUARD
Alan Brady?
(beat)
Rob? Rob Petrie?
Rob squints.
ROB
Who -- who's there?
Suddenly, from the booth emerges the security guard. It is
none other than former thief LYLE DELP (Don Rickles). He
wears a uniform and cap and carries a clipboard.
LYLE
Rob! Rob, it's me -- Lyle Delp!
ROB
Lyle Delp?
(remembering)
Lyle Delp! The stickup guy!
Lyle quickly shushes Rob and looks around to see if anyone
heard.
LYLE
Shh! Ex! Ex-stickup guy. I been
straight for over twenty years.
ROB
Well, that's great, Lyle!
Lyle realizes how Rob is dressed.
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
LYLE
Jeez, Rob. Hollywood can really
chew you up and spit you out,
can't it?
ROB
Look, I hope you don't mind my
asking, but how did you get a job
as a security guard?
The dog growls. Lyle turns back.
LYLE
(to dog)
Hey, it's a fair question.
(to Rob)
Ten minutes after I got out of
jail, guess who runs into me?
Who?
Carol Burnett.
ROB
LYLE
ROB
What was Carol Burnett doing at
a prison?
LYLE
Naw, she wasn't at the prison.
She was in a car. And she hit me!
Bam! Plows right into my Studebaker.
She feels sorry for me, she makes
me a page at her show. A few years
keepin' my nose clean and here I am!
ROB
Well, that's terrific, Lyle. Look,
we can catch up after the show.
Could you let me in?
LYLE
Sure, Rob, sure!
Great!
Got a pass?
A pass?
ROB
LYLE
ROB
LYLE
Can't letcha in without a pass.
81.
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
82.
ROB
But you know me. Couldn't you
just, you know?
LYLE
It could mean my job, Rob.
The dog growls.
ROB
Nice Gunther. Hey, maybe I'm on
your clipboard.
LYLE
I would have thought of that.
Lyle looks.
LYLE
Uh-huh ... uh-huh ... a-ha!
(looks up)
You ain't here.
ROB
Look, Lyle -- this is really
important. Could you call someone
on the set?
LYLE
For you, Rob, anything.
Lyle goes back into his booth and makes the call. Rob starts
easing toward the building. Gunther peeks his head out the
booth and starts slowly walking after Rob.
ROB
(whispering)
Stay, Gunther. Stay there, now.
LYLE
No. Petrie. Rob Petrie.
got tofu in your ears?
What, you
ROB
I'm going to walk a little faster
now, Gunther. You stay with Lyle,
okay?
Rob starts running, tuba in tow. Gunther takes off after him.
Okay, thanks.
LYLE
Lyle pops out of the booth.
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
83.
LYLE
Okay, Rob, you can -He sees Rob's gone.
He yells into the darkness.
LYLE
He's gainin' on you, Rob! And he
hates tubas.
We hear a growl and the ripping of some fabric.
LYLE
Ah, jeez. Ruined a good tux.
Lyle goes back into his booth.
INT. CONTROL ROOM (PRESENT TIME)
Rob, Laura, Buddy and Sally enter quietly as the tech CREW
prepare for broadcast. Nearest the door is the TECHNICIAN who
does the title graphics.
ROB
And that's when I came in.
LAURA
Rob, you could been hurt.
(beat, realizing)
Worse. Well, all I can say is I'm
glad you got here in time.
Rob's tuba hits the doorframe and startles the graphics tech.
ROB
Oops. Sorry. Guess tubas are
kinda loud even when you're not
playing them.
Apparently, in jumping, the tech has lost some of her work
DIRECTOR
Okay, ten seconds to air. Ready
opening graphics.
GRAPHICS TECH
(uncertain)
Uh, yeah. Ready
She quickly finishes typing and is not sure about her
results.
BUDDY
Well, here we go.
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
84.
ROB
Nothing could possibly go wrong
now.
DIRECTOR
Cue band. Cue announcer!
The four happily look up at a monitor overhead to watch.
CLOSE ON MONITOR
We hear Alan's theme music playing and the voice of the
announcer. We hear the live audience applause as the title
graphic COMES UP. Unfortunately, it reads: "THE ALAN SILVER
BRADY ANNIVERSARY SHOW".
ANNOUNCER
Live from Television City in
Hollywood -- it's the Alan Silver
Brady Anniversary Show!
BACK IN CONTROL ROOM
The entire tech staff looks at the Graphics Tech who looks
over at Rob and his tuba. Rob laughs nervously.
ROB
Uh, gosh. How'd that happen?
Oh, look, here comes Alan.
Slowly, everyone turns back to their business. Rob stands
there, quite embarrassed.
FADE OUT
END OF ACT EIGHT
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
TAG
FADE INTO
INT. ALAN'S DRESSING ROOM (PRESENT TIME)
Rob, Laura, Alan, Buddy, Sally, and M.J. are all present.
They are having a celebratory toast.
ALAN
Well, here's to a great show!
Despite the title change.
Everyone toasts and drinks.
ROB
Alan, you haven't lost your touch.
ALAN
Of course I haven't lost my touch.
Who said I lost my touch? That guy
with the glasses in "TV Guide"?
ROB
No. No one said you lost your touch.
ALAN
Then why'd you say it? By the way,
Rob, thanks for getting here so I
had plenty of minutes to rehearse.
Sally glares at Buddy. He gets the bet money out.
BUDDY
Here you go, Rob. I never thought
you'd be able to do it.
ALAN
Do what? Do what?
Buddy pays Sally.
SALLY
You don't want to know, Alan.
ALAN
Say, that was some story about how
you got here tonight. Why didn't
you just use a fax machine, for
crying out loud?
Sally quickly changes the subject.
85.
THE DVD SHOW - "The Alan Silver Brady Anniversary Show"
86.
SALLY
Yeah, some story. By the way, Rob,
I get how you got the boots, the
kilt and the handcuffs. Even the
bit about the tuba. But what
happened to the family?
ALAN
Family? What family?
ROB
Well, in exchange for the tuba,
I had to promise them tickets to
the show tonight.
Slowly, the SCHMIDTS enter, very happy to see everyone. Lyle
follows them in, trying to get them to leave.
ALAN
What is this -- ?
Alan, don't!
ROB
ALAN
-- a polka band?
DEITER
Ein, svei, drei, ver!
They kick into a polka. Havoc and ad-libs ensue. Buddy and
Sally cover their ears and try to tell the Schmidts to stop.
Lyle tries to herd the family out of the room. Alan yells at
M.J. Rob shrugs at Laura who smiles and gives him a big kiss.
MUSIC TAG
FADE OUT
THE END