Compiled and edited by
E. O. PARROTT
Imitations of Immortality
A BOOK OF LITERARY PARODIES
VIKING
CONTENTS
Preface
vii
Prologue •
i
AESCHYLUS
Peter Rabbit JV. J. Warburton
The Nurse's Tale E. 0. Parrott
Fragment of a Greek Tragedy A. E. Housman
5
6
7
ARISTOTLE
from Concerning Golf A. D. Godley
10
(Chinese)
Our Head-waiter L. E. Jones
The Girl of So Ho Gerard Benson
Kindness to the Starfish J. B. Morton {'Beachcomber1)
12
12
13
(Early English)
Ancient Music Ezra Pound
An Antient Poem Frank Sidgwick
13
14
ANON
ANON
GEOFFREY CHAUCER
Imitation of Chaucer Alexander Pope
The Probatioun Officere's Tale Gerard Benson
The Hicche-hykere W. F. JV. Watson
15
16
16
(Border Ballad)
The New Ballad of Sir Patrick Spens Sir Arthur Quiller-Couch
ANON
17
FRANCIS BACON
from Of Donnes G. F. Forrest
21
CHRISTOPHER MARLOWE
Another Passionate Shepherd Martin Fagg
22
IX
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
from Savonarola Brown, Act II Sir Max Beerbohm
King Canute Stanley J. Sharpless
All's Well Stanley J. Sharpless
Once More unto the Peace Sagittarius
By All Accounts Roger Woddis
Enter Puck Roger Woddis
This Railway Station Allan M. Laing
When Icicles Peter Veale
W. S. at his Mirror Mary Holtby
When to the Sessions Ronn Marvin
23
28
29
30
31
32
33
33
34
34
(Elizabethan Dramatist)
'Tis Pity He's a Stockfish Trooper Jones ,
from The Critic Richard Brinsley Sheridan
ANON
35
36
ROBERT HERRICK
Upon Julia's Clothes E. V. Knox
Upon Julia's Clothes Michael Barsley
.
36
. 37
.
37
38
JOHN MILTON
Ode to Conservation Joyce Johnson
Paradise Lost 2-0 Margaret Rogers
.
RICHARD LOVELACE
To My Lady Nicotine Martin Fagg
Alibi Arthur Guiterman
39
39
*
•
- ,
•
ANDREW MARVELL
To his Coarse Mistress Gerard Benson
,
.
.
40
JOHN AUBREY
Memories of 1966 Peter Veale
41
DEAN JONATHAN SWIFT
Voyage to Cynosuria Allan M. Laing
,
4
2
ALEXANDER POPE
O n ' W h o ' s W h o ' H. A . C. Evans
A L i m e r i c k R e w r i t t e n J. H. Frank
- , > • - . •
43
43
SAMUEL RICHARDSON
from Shamela Henry Fielding
44
THOMAS GRAY
If Gray had had to Write his Elegy in the Cemetery at
Spoon River Sir John Squire
46
CHRISTOPHER SMART
To his Mirror Stanley Shaw
49
OLIVER GOLDSMITH
When Lovely Woman Phoebe Carey
49
JAMES BOSWELL
Two Hitherto Unpublished Extracts from his Life of
Dr Johnson Stanley J. Sharpless; Russell Lucas
50
ROBERT BURNS
For A' That and A' That C. W. Shirley Brooks
The Queys are Mooping Harry Graham
Justice to Scotland C. W. Shirley Brooks
Rigid Body Sings James Clerk Maxwell
51
53
54
55
WILLIAM WORDSWORTH
A Sonnet J. K. Stephen
On First Hearing that Wordsworth had an Illegitimate
Child John Julius Norwich
Epilogue George Gordon, Lord Byron
The Wordsworths William Bealby-Wright
It's Those Daffodils Again Lance A. Howard
A Fragment Catherine Fanshawe
The Hardened Brat Sagittarius
He Lived amidst th' Untrodden Ways Hartley Coleridge
55
56
57
57
58
59
60
62
SAMUEL TAYLOR COLERIDGE
On a Ruined House in a Romantic Country
Samuel Taylor Coleridge
The Ancient Mariner (The Wedding Guest's Version of
. the Affair) Anon
63
63
ROBERT SOUTHEY
Epitaph on a Well-known Poet Thomas Moore
66
xi
JAN'E A U S T E N
•
'
"• •
Pride and Porringers E. 0. Parrott •':'•'•'•'
Pride and Punishment Gwen Foyle
Mansfield Mill E. 0. Parrott
from Sense and Centenaries H.'F. Ellis
• • > - ' • ' . •
•
'67
69
69
' ' 70
'••
THOMAS MOORE
'Twas Ever Thus Henry S. Leigh
•
^2
GEORGE GORDON, LORD BYRON
from Beer C. S.Calverley
The Poet Sees Himself Martin Fagg
A Grievance J. K. Stephen
73
74
75
JAMES FENIMORECOOPER
from Muck-a-Muck Bret Harte
76
PERCY BYSSHE SHELLEY
" Ozymandias Revisited Morris Bishop
.
7
8
JOHN KEATS
A Grecian Urn Reconsidered Nancy Gunter ,
Ode to Another Nightingale A. Sheridan
Ode to a Slug Andrew Stibbs
79
80
80
THOMAS HOOD
Elegy Martin Fagg
Ben Barley Gerard Benson
.
.
8
1
82
ELIZABETH BARRETT BROWNING
Sonnet Stanley J. Sharpless
83
HENRY WADSWORTH LONGFELLOW
Hiawatha's Photographing Lewis Carroll
What I Think of Hiawatha J . W. Morris
The,Modern Hiawatha George A. Strong
The Village Burglar Anon
j . G. WHITTIER
•;
The Ballad of Hiram Hover Bayard Taylor
xii
83
87
88
88
.•.-••;'.--:••
•
89
ALFRED, LORD TENNYSON
The Laureate William Aytoun
The Higher Pantheism in a Nutshell
Algernon Charles Swinburne
The Charge of the Bread Brigade Ezra Pound
What the Ghost Told Hamlet Rhoda Tuck Pook
Maud Douglas Hawson
The Modern Brook Paul Griffin
91
93
94
95
95
96
EDGAR ALLAN POE
Nevermore C. L. Edson
97
EDWARD FITZGERALD
from Strugnell's Rubaiyat Wendy Cope
98
CHARLES DICKENS
Christmas Afternoon Robert Benchley
More Hard Times Gerard Benson
100
102
EDWARD LEAR
The Cottonwool Tour Trooper Jones
103
ROBERT BROWNING
A Girtonian Funeral Anon
104
Sincere Flattery of R.B. J. K. Stephen
106
How I Brought the Good News from Aix to Ghent, or Vice
Versa Walter Carruthers Sellar and Robert Julian Teatman 107
How They Brought the Bad News Roger Woddis
108
The Last Ride Together (from her point of view)
J. K. Stephen
109
Home Truths from Abroad Anon
112
. My First Abstract T. Griffiths
112
From a Spanish Cloister G. K. Chesterton
113
CHARLOTTE BRONTE
from Miss Mix Bret Harte
114
WALT WHITMAN
Camarados Bayard Taylor
Sincere Flattery of W.W. (Americanus) J. K. Stephen
A Classic Waits for Me E. B. White
117
118
118
xni
CHARLES KINGSLEY
:
Two Extracts from The Unexpurgated Water Babies
Martin Fagg; E. M. E. Wood
•.
•.'
120
ARTHUR HUGH CLOUGH
The Most Famous Poem of J. Strugnell Gavin Ewart
121
JEAN INGELOW
Lovers, and a Reflection C. S. Calverley
122
FYODOR DOSTOEVSKY
The Gollies Karamazov Alan Coren
124
DANTE GABRIEL ROSSETTI
After 'Dilettante Concetti' H. D. Traill
Soul Severance St John Hankin
126
128
GEORGE MEREDITH
The Charlady at Patterne Hall L. E. Jones
The Charwoman Allan M. Laing
,.
128
129
EMILY DICKINSON
Morning Disturbance Peter De Vries
She Sees Another Door Opening Firman Houghton
130
130
T. E. BROWN
My Garden Gerard Benson
LOUISA MAY ALCOTT
131
.
Little Liberated Women Gwen Foyle
131
WILLIAM MORRIS
Ballad C. S. Calverley
Rondel Anon
132
134
ALFRED AUSTIN
A Birthday Ode to Mr Alfred Austin Sir Owen Seaman
135
SIR WILLIAM S. GILBERT
A Policeman's Lot Wendy Cope
I Am a Racist Tim Hopkins
xiv
-
'140
141
ALGERNON CHARLES SWINBURNE
Nephelidia Algernon Charles Swinburne
Octopus A. C. Hilton
A Melton Mowbray Pork Pie Richard Le Gallienne
142
143
144
THOMAS HARDY
A Luncheon (Thomas Hardy Entertains the Prince of
Wales) Sir Max Beerbohm
Transistors Martin Fagg
My Mouse Edward Blishen
The Morning's Journal Edward Blishen
Foes Beyond Martin Fagg
145
146
146
147
147
HENRY JAMES
The Guerdon Sir Max Beerbohm
A Blurb for the Dustjacket of The Turn of the Screw
Edward Blishen
148
150
GERARD MANLEY HOPKINS
Initial Poem Gerard Benson
Breakfast with Gerard Manley Hopkins Anthony Brode
February Filldyke R. J. P. Hewison
Baked Beauty Bill Greenwell
151
152
153
153
OSCAR WILDE
A Play of No Importance J. Dean
The Importance of Being Ernestine Martin Fagg
154
154
H. RIDER HAGGARD
from The Deathless Queen G. F. Forrest
155
GEORGE BERNARD SHAW
Opening Paragraph of his Memoirs Allan M. Laing
On Jane Austen L. E. Jones
157
158
JOSEPH CONRAD
from Mystery E. V. Knox
159
A. E . HOUSMAN
What, Still Alive at Twenty-two? Hugh Kingsmill
Summer Time on Bredon Hugh Kingsmill
The Man Who Hangs Head Downwards
Katharine Whitehorn
162
163
163
xv
Last Poem Mary Holtby
Off Wenlock Edge Paul Griffin
The Sun It Shines Thomas Derrick
164
165
165
SIR ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE
The Adventure of the Diamond Necklace G. F. Forrest
The Adventure of the Two Collaborators
Sir James Barrie
166
168
RABINDRANATH TAGORE
A Spot of Verse J. B. Morton {'Beachcomber')
170
SIR HENRY NEWBOLT
The Little Commodore Sir John Squire
There's a Breathless Hush Noel Petty
171
172
WILLIAM BUTLER YEATS
I Will Arise Sagittarius
172
RUDYARD KIPLING
To R.K. (1891) J. K. Stephen
A Ballad Guy Wetmore Carryl
• Spring Is Here Stanley J. Sharpless
Mummy Katharine Whitehorn
Christie's Minstrels Peter Veale
The Reunion Dinner Martin Fagg
Recruiting Song Michael Foster
173
174
175
J76
177
178
178
,.
.
H. G. WELLS
.
from The Peculiar Bird E. V. Knox
179
ARNOLD BENNETT
from Scruts Sir Max Beerbohm
182
HILAIRE BELLOC
At Martinmas Sir John Squire
New Tarantella Paul Griffin
New Cautionary Tale Ven. H. F. Kirkpatrick
On Mrs Beeton Stevie Ewart
W. H . DAVIES
The Tales I Hear Sir John Squire
xvi
186
187
187
188
,
189
J . M. SYNGE
A Memory L. A. G. Strong
190
WALTER DE LA MARE
The Last Bus E. V. Knox
The Bug-eyed Listeners Roger Woddis
190
192
G. K. CHESTERTON
In Praise of Non-central Heating H. A. C. Evans
When I Leapt over Tower Bridge Sir John Squire
A Song Against Supermarkets Stanley J. Sharpless
193
194
195
W. SOMERSET MAUGHAM
from First Person Circular L. A. Pavey
Short Story — Opening Paragraph W. J. Webster
Cats! Martin Fagg
195
197
197
ROBERT FROST
Mr Frost Goes South to Boston Firman Houghton
198
JOHNBUCHAN
Nunsmantle Martin Fagg
from The Queen of Minikoi J. B. Morton {'Beachcomber')
199
199
JOHN MASEFIELD
Sea-chill Arthur Guiterman
Bank-holiday Fever Richard Quick
The Everlasting Percy E. V. Knox
202
203
204
E. M. FORSTER
What Really Happened in the Malabar Caves
T. Griffiths
206
LYTTON STRACHEY
The Death of King Edward V I I L. E.Jones
207
MARY WEBB
from Cold Comfort Farm Stella Gibbons
207
P.. G. WODEHOUSE
Bertie and Emma Russell Lucas
Bertie Gulliver in Brobdingnag G. J. Blundell
I Say, Give Over, Jeeves! Clive Jacques
210
210
211
xvii
DAISY ASHFORD
T h e W a g e s of Sin Is D e t h P. M. Robertson
. • <
212
VIRGINIA WOOLF
A Cricket Commentary Stanley J. Sharpless
Advertisement Copy Elaine Morgan
212
213
A. A. MILNE
from When We Were Very Silly J. B. Morton {'Beachcomber') 213
God Bless Nanny W. F. N. Watson
215
No Daddy Monica G. Ribon
215
JAMES JOYCE
from The Tents of Wickedness Peter De Vries
216
FRANZ KAFKA
A's Trial David Lodge
220
DAMON RUNYON
On Henry James Allan M. Laing
The Fable of the Hare and the Tortoise L. W. Bailey
222
223
IVY COMPTON-BURNETT
Little Brothers and Sisters Margaret Rogers
224
D. H. LAWRENCE
On a Football-pool Winner Peter Sheldon
The Lost Girl Trespasser George Moor
The British Museum Reading Room David Lodge
Slug Andrew Stibbs
224
225
226
227
EZRA POUND
Another Canto J . B. Morton {'Beachcomber3)
229
SIEGFRIED SASSOON
Initial Poem Bill Greenwell
230
DAME EDITH SITWELL
Contours .Sir Noel Coward
Sunday Morning at Wiesbaden Sir Noel Coward
The Three Calenders E. V. Knox
xviii
230
231
231
T.S.ELIOT
Chard Whitlow Henry Reed
233
A Letter to Harriet Weaver, in the Style of The Waste Land
James Joyce
234
The Picnic Land J. A. Lindon
235
from The Eumenides at Home James Agate
236
Sweeney Aesthetic J. A. Lindon
238
McQuiddity Mary Holtby
• 239
The Pooch J. A. Lindon
240
KATHERINE MANSFIELD
A Football-pool Winner Margaret Tims
240
RAYMOND CHANDLER
Mr Big Woody Allen
241
WILFRED OWEN
A Third World War Poem Bill Greenwell
e. e. cummings
poets Peter De Vries
249
250
ALDOUS HUXLEY
from Told in Gath Cyril Connolly
251
WILLIAM FAULKNER
Requiem for a Noun, or Intruder in the Dust Peter De Vries 253
ENID BLYTON
. The Famous Five Take Tea with Gaius Caesar Augustus
Germanicus and Family N. J. Warburton
258
THORNTON WILDER
Just Plain Folks Kenneth Tynan
258
ERNEST HEMINGWAY
For Whom the Gong Sounds Cornelia Otis Skinner
SIR NOEL
261
COWARD
The Archers E. 0. Parrott
from The Caretaker . . . or Private Life Alan Coren
263
263
xix
OGDEN NASH
Just a Few Friends Basil Ransome-Davies
On Patience Strong Elaine Morgan
Daddy's Not Taking You to the Zoo Tomorrow, Not If
I Can Help It Gerard Benson
265
266
266
STEVIE SMITH
On Herself John Stanley Sweetman
Hound Puss Martin Fagg
267
268
GRAHAM GREENE
Extract from a.Biography of Sir Hugh Greene
Sir Hugh Greene {'Sebastian Eleigh')
268
Verse Autobiography Graham Greene {'H. A. Baxter3)
Extract from an Imaginary Novel Sir Hugh Greene
{'Sebastian Eleigh')
Nothing Succeeds like Failure Martin Fagg
Early Writing J. A. Lindon
Nun-running Peter Veale
269
269
270
270
271
c. p . SNOW
The Cloisters of Power Martin Fagg
Lewis Eliot's Revolution Diary Martin Fagg
272
273
SAMUEL BECKETT
from Slamm's Last Knock Kenneth Tynan
LGA-ORD
Ian A. Frazier
273
276
SIR JOHN BETJEMAN
On the Derationing of Sweets Arthur Marshall
Place Names of China Alan Bennett
Betjeman, 1984 Charles Causley
Autumn Stanley J. Sharpless .
At the Post Office Stanley J. Sharpless
A Ticket-Collector's Love Song Roger Woddis
.
277
278
279
280
280
281
LOUIS MACNEICE
More Bagpipe Music E. 0. Parrott
282
W.H.AUDEN
Just a Smack at Auden Sir William Empson
XX
. 283
Self-congratulatory Ode on Mr Auden's Election to the
• ' Professorship of Poetry at Oxford Ronald Mason
from The Tents of Wickedness: No Need to Cry
Peter De Vries
284
285
IAN FLEMING
from Bond Strikes Camp Cyril Connolly
286
LAWRENCE DURRELL
from Ivy Roger Angell
from Voluptia Malcolm Bradbury
290
293
DYLAN THOMAS
Under Broadcasting House Richard Quick
Adventures in the Fur Game P. W. R. Foot
295
296
HENRY REED
The Mending of Fuses E. 0. Parrott
297
CHARLES CAUSLEY
Book Review Russell Davies
298
MURIEL SPARK
Last Things Malcolm Bradbury
299
J. D. SALINGER
Review J. A. Lindon
304
IRIS MURDOCH
from The Sublime and the Ridiculous Malcolm Bradbury
305
KINGSLEY AMIS
What about You? Edward Pygge
Remember Lot's Wife Stanley J. Sharpless
306
307
PHILIP LARKIN
After the Library Douglas Gibson
Mr Strugnell Wendy Cope
Second-hand Car Dealer Stanley J. Sharpless
308
309
310
JOHN WAIN
Keeping up with Kingsley Colin Falck
310
xxi
(Romantic Ballad)
I Hold Your Hand in Mine Tom Lehrer
311
(Negro Spiritual)
The Heavenly Fish Queue Allan M. Laing
312
ANON
ANON
ALLEN GINSBERG
Squeal Louis Simpson
313
ALAN SILLITOE
from Room at the Bottom Malcolm Bradbury
314
PETER PORTER
E Pericoloso Sporgersi Wendy Cope
317
TED HUGHES
Budgie Finds His Voice Wendy Cope
Looking in the Mirror Bill Greenwell
Slug Resting Andrew Stibbs
318
318
3!9
HAROLD PINTER
A Bear Called Paddington Bill Greenwell
320
GEORGE MACBETH
from Peregrine Prykke's Pilgrimage Clive James
321
ATHOL FUGARD
The Wind in the Willows Ken Rudge
321
CRAIG RAINE
Birth Bill Greenwell
Birthday Bill Greenwell .
The Lavatory Attendant Wendy Cope
.
322
323
323
-• ' •
324
PAM AYRES
Post-natal Pome Sue Denim
Variations
from The Muse among the Motorists Rudyard Kipling
Old King Cole - Variations of an Air G. K. Chesterton
xxii
325
332
Salad Mortimer Collins
The Poets at Tea Barry Pain
334
336
RIGHT OF REPLY: REJOINDERS TO POETS FROM THE
SUBJECTS OF THEIR VERSES
A Toad on Philip Larkin Basil Ransome-Davies
The Lamb on William Blake Fiona Pitt-Kethley
The Pig on Ted Hughes Bill Greenwell
The Snake on D. H. Lawrence N. J. Warburton
'Four-Feet' on Rudyard Kipling Roger Woddis
A Shropshire Lad to A. E. Housman Pendextre
The Fair Youth Responds to William Shakespeare
Mary Holtby
Porphyria to Robert Browning Paul Griffin
The Nymph's Reply to Christopher Marlowe's Passionate
Shepherd Sir Walter Raleigh
Jenny to D. G. Rossetti Pontifex Cynara to Ernest Dowson L. E. Jones
"
Lucasta to Richard Lovelace L. E. Jones
The Fat White Woman to Frances Cornford
G. K. Chesterton
340
340
341
341
342
342
343
343
344
345
346
346
347
NURSERY RHYMES REWRITTEN
Sing a Song of Sixpence by John Milton Rhoda Tuck Pook
Little Jack Homer by Anthony Powell Alan Alexander
Baa Baa Black Sheep by William Wordsworth
Wendy Cope
Three Blind Mice by Gerard Manley Hopkins
Bill Greenwell
Old King Cole by W. B. Yeats Gerard Benson
Ride a Cock-horse by T. S. Eliot E. 0. Parrott
The Grand Old Duke of York by J. D. Salinger
Tim Hopkins
Little Boy Blue by Alexander Pope Paul Griffin
Jack Sprat by Ernest Hemingway Henry Hetherington
Solomon Grundy by P. G. Wodehouse Martin Fagg
Little Miss Muffet by Stevie Smith Martin Fagg
Mary, Mary by William Shakespeare G. F. Forrest
Hey Diddle Diddle by Robert Browning Gerard Benson
Jack and Jill by William Wordsworth Gerard Benson
347
348
348
349
350
350
351
351
352
353
353
354
354
355
xxiii
Georgy Porgy by Lord Macaulay G. F. Forrest
\:
Girls and Boys Come out to Play by Sir John Betjeman
Hilary
Rock-a-Bye Baby by Alexander Pope Rhoda Tuck Pook
'356
356
357
CHILDREN'S BOOKS
RichmalCrompton: Just William Tom Lawrence
358
Lewis Carroll: Alice in Wonderland J. Y. Watson
358
Arthur Ransome: Swallows and Amazons J: M. Crooks
359
Enid Blyton: Noddy J. M. Crooks
360
Kenneth Grahame: The Wind in the Willows
George van Schaick
360
Captain W. E.Johns: Biggies Battles On Graham Chapman 361
Frank Richards: Greyfriars E. 0. Parrott
362
OTHER MEN'S MUSES
Geoffrey Chaucer Rewrites Sir John Betjeman
Stanley J. Sharpless
Sir William Empson Rewrites William Wordsworth
Basil Ransome-Davies ,•
William McGonagall Rewrites Rupert Brooke
J. T. Watson
Sir John Betjeman Rewrites John Donne
Basil Ransome-Davies
Jane Austen Rewrites.Dylan Thomas Roy Kelly .... •
. Dylan Thomas Rewrites Jane Austen Stanley J. Sharpless
Sir John Betjeman Rewrites William Wordsworth
Gavin Ewart
. •
W. H. Auden Rewrites John Keats Mary Holtby
Daisy Ashford Rewrites Jane Austen, Martin Fagg, ,
Graham Greene Rewrites Charles Dickens John Digby
Edward Fitzgerald Rewrites T. S. Eliot Roy Fuller
366
367
368
368
369
Index of Authors Parodied
371
Index of Parodists
375
Sources and Acknowledgements
379
363
363
364
365
365
366