Help for the Household.
Are You Married to Your Best Friend?
Song of Solomon 5:16
Song of Solomon is a beautiful OT book of the Bible. It’s written
in poetic form, depicting the beauty and satisfaction of the
marriage relationship. But the symbolism of the book has to do
with our relationship with Christ as His bride.
It’s interesting that God chose to symbolize our special
relationship with Him by using the analogy of marriage…that
tells us that marriage is supposed to be a taste of heaven on earth!
C.H. Spurgeon said there should be such harmony in the
home that angels could dwell with us, and never feel out of
their element.
The bride in our text today is speaking of the groom and says in
the Song of Songs 5:16 His mouth is most sweet: yea, he is
altogether lovely. This is my beloved, and this is my friend, O
daughters of Jerusalem.
Can you honestly say that your spouse is your friend? How about
your best friend? God joins 2 into 1 flesh and that means much
more than just them becoming lovers…it means joining hearts,
joining dreams, joining thoughts…it means being best friends!
Ill: A girl starts telling her guy to go do his thing and while he’s
on the golf course, she’ll do her work out and do her thing. So
now the guy is going in 1 direction and girl in another.
But after a while the guy meets another girl on the golf
course…she’s a good golfer, and she really appreciates HIS love
for the sport, too! Wow, they have a common interest!
Meanwhile, the girl meets some other guy at the gym, and he’s a
real gentleman…almost reminds her of the kind way she was
treated by her husband when they were dating. “Would you spot
me on this machine she asks?” “Well sure” says the other guy.
What do we have now? Guy and girl are both cultivating
relationships with another guy and another girl, and deciding
maybe they like them better than their spouse. One thing leads to
another, all in the devil’s design, until finally something happens,
a breakup ensues, and all because the lack of each others
companionship left them looking elsewhere for something
more…and what do they look for?
Someone they can not only be married to, but who will also be
their what? Their FRIEND!
Ladies, you’d better set a goal to be your husband’s best friend.
And Men you better do the same!
How do you spend your leisure time? If it’s going in different
directions, it’s a recipe for disaster! Healthy marriages are friends
because they have Companionship.
As much as possible we should do things together. This doesn’t
mean that if you like to hunt and she won’t go with you that you
can never go…it simply means you can’t let that consume you to
the exclusion of companionship with her.
It doesn’t mean that if she loves to go antiquing or yard sale
shopping and you despise it, that she can never go…it simply
means she shouldn’t make a career out of it to the exclusion of
spending time with him!
I’m talking about men who do what they want to do to the
exclusion of their wife most every day they have off. If that’s the
case then they’re headed for a wrecked marriage and maybe
divorce court…a healthy marriage cannot operate that way.
Why is companionship so important?
1. Because it is unhealthy for a married person to spend the most
enjoyable moments of his or her life in the company of someone
else.
I want to grab some guys by the throat and ask them why did they
want to get married if they just wanna be with the boys all the
time or live for their sports or sit at the PC until their fingers do a
mind meld with the keyboard. Why get married?
Same for some ladies that will talk on the phone with girlfriends
for hours on end, and shop ‘til they drop. If that’s all they want to
do then why keep that guy around? If all we seem to need in our
spare time is a television or a telephone, then why do we need a
spouse? Get a newer, bigger flat screen TV and a shiny new
cordless phone.
If the only fun time you have is when they are not around,
then how in the world will you ever have a friendship together
and maintain any form of closeness?
Some may say, we don’t have any common interests, God made
us different. Well, I’ll just bet that if you’d pray about it, God
would give you something you can both enjoy together.
We have had the whole family get into things as simple as
puzzles, scrabble, monopoly, fishing, or camping and had a real
bonding effect on all of us!
So don’t give up…swallow your pride, push away selfishness,
and pray and see what God may give you to do together.
Companionship is important because anything less is unhealthy…
Why else is companionship so important?
2. Because pursuing your own interests without your spouse
demonstrates selfishness.
It’s really sad when full grown adults act like kids… “If I can’t
do what I wanna do, I’m picking up my toys and going
home!” Learn to get into what they like sometimes. The adage
says, if you want friends then you have to show yourself to be
friendly.
Why else is companionship so important?
3. Because this will lead to a fulfilling marriage.
Are you looking to just fulfill your self, or looking to have a
fulfilling marriage? You’ll never be happier than when you
strive to be a giver, not just a taker. The more you give the more it
will make them want to be a giver, which benefits you naturally,
and it all snowballs from there!
Ill.—An all too common scenario: a man has fun with people at
work, but goes home to “the broken washing machine, the dog
pooped on the carpet again, one kid is sick, and the wife is
upset because it has been a really long hard day for her.” Then
he spends his day off doing something else, but only thinks of his
spouse in terms of survival, and just getting by…but if you never
have fun together, then you’ll always associate negative things
with them, while you associate the fun times with others.
Find some fun things to do together and have companionship.
4. Because shared experiences lead to shared feelings.
God made 2 into 1 the Bible says so it makes sense that those 2
will do 1 thing together, often!
Does the Bible teach this? Is this “theology” or “me-ology”?
Genesis 2:24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his
mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one
flesh. That means the man is to stick to his wife like clue my
friend.
Ephes. 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved
the church, and gave himself for it;
• That’s a sacrificial love…nothing is so important that you won’t
sacrifice it for her.
Ephes. 5:26-28 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the
washing of water by the word, [27] That he might present it to
himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any
such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. [28] So
ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth
his wife loveth himself. • That’s a sanctifying love.
Ephes. 5:29-31
For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and
cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: [30] For we are
members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. [31] For this
cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined
unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.
• That’s a secure love. Some people are insecure because they’re
not sure if their spouse really likes them as a friend or not.
What can you do to develop that better relationship with your
spouse? Make them your best friend.
Everybody wants not only someone to be married to, but
married to someone who will also be their FRIEND!
Friends spend time together, they want to be together, have
fun together, and talk together. They say that the family that
prays together stays together, but just as true is this: the
family that plays together stays together!
How do you spend your leisure time? Remember, going in
different directions is a recipe for disaster!
I ask couples during premarital counseling if they love each other,
and then I ask if they LIKE doing things with each other. That’s
Companionship and it is important! So is Conversation.
Our text v. 16 says “his mouth is most sweet”. This isn’t
suggesting he’s into bubble gum flavored lip balm! She’s not
talking about his physical mouth nor his breath. Rather, he’s
sweet in what comes out of his mouth, his words!
Men, would your wife say that about you. Think of your
conversations just today, or just this past week.
Typical scenario: A couple starts to date, and it’s one
looooong conversation all the time. When together, they talk,
when apart, on the phone, or writing letters they talk.
Ill.—Becky and I would talk for hours when I was in boot camp
in the Great Lakes Naval Training Center, 1963. The time flew,
and the operator would say to me again; “deposit more quarters
please” until I didn’t have more!
“I don’t wanna hang up, you say goodbye first, ok, we’ll both
just say bye and hang up.”
Then we got married, and the “business” of being a couple,
having a very small apartment, and me sailing off and her job
starts to take over a lot of the conversation. And then subjects
come up like in-laws, finances, the baby comes along, and oh, this
seems different than our talks on the phone back in 63!
Soon I’m hiding behind a newspaper or staring at a tv screen
saying “uh huh”, and she says, “I miss our talks, I wanna talk.”
I say, “ok, about what?” She says, Well, if you don’t know,
then just nevermind!”
Then she notices she can have good conversation with a friend on
the phone or across the street or anywhere that her friend will
listen.
Resentment starts to set in, and then maybe some guy at work is
willing to talk to her, and he not only talks to her, but listens to
her, and he’s not looking at a TV, but into her eyes…he’s
focused! Whoa! Here comes the sly fox.
Where’s the next stop? Problem City, and divorce court if the
couple doesn’t start communicating with each other.
What are some things close friends do?
• They share themselves with each other.
• They confide in each other.
• They learn more about each other.
• They discuss their innermost thoughts, ideas, and goals with
each other.
Close friends talk! Proverbs 27:9 Ointment and perfume
rejoice the heart: so doth the sweetness of a man's friend by
hearty counsel. [communication]
How many of you men just love it when your wife wears a certain
perfume? This verse says that as pleasant as that sense is for
you, that’s how your wife feels when you really talk to her.
Typically, women have a greater need for conversation than
men do. It helps her feel united to and bonded with her man.
It helps her feel loved and cared for.
And when a man ignores her all day, acting like Archie Bunker,
and then suddenly at 10 PM turns into her once romancing lover,
it makes her feel cheap and used.
The goal of courtship is 2 fold:
• To get to know each other better.
• To convey how much we love each other.
Why should these goals be dropped after the wedding?
We have no problem talking during courtship.
Men, let’s set a new goal that now that she married us…the new
goal is not getting her, it’s keeping her!
Marriage counselors say couples not only need to talk…but they
need to talk at least 1 hour per day! I Know, someone is
thinking “I can’t believe you just said that in front of my
wife!”
But the average couple doesn’t even talk 1/10th of that, and that’s
adding up all the business and “survival” talk combined, which
doesn’t even count! We’re talking about just regular friendship
talk. I can hear some men now; “Well, I told her I loved her
once, and if I change my mind I’ll let her know!”
The TV or telephone is the main enemy in most homes.
Why do couples stop talking?
• Too busy with work—I know sometimes we’re held over or
something comes up…but when that’s the rule rather than the
exception, it begins to fill out the death certificate for your
marriage.
• Different interests and not willing to get interested in the
spouse interest.
• Selfishness—we develop other priorities we consider more
important, but they’re not!
• Fighting—some don’t cope well with problems and their
conversations often turn into fights, so they stop wanting to talk.
Learn better coping skills. If what you are doing is not working,
do something else that will work.
What are some other Enemies of good conversation?
• Using words as punishment. Ephes. 4:29 Let no corrupt
communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is
good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the
hearers.
Words can never be taken back.
Never once have I regretted the mean words I held in when I
was angry, but I’ve always regretted things I let fly out of my
mouth unchecked! Another Enemy of good conversation’
• Using words to force an agreement. James 1:19
Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to
hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:
Is anything more annoying than someone wanting to force their
way upon you, and they’re always right? I’ve learned this even as
a preacher. I can’t force anybody to believe anything. And some
will agree outwardly just so you’ll shut up!
Another Enemy of good conversation’
• Dwelling on mistakes, past or present
Philip. 3:13 Brethren, I count not myself to have
apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things
which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which
are before…
Some develop a critical spirit to the point that you feel you can’t
do anything right…because they just want to find a problem.
Some do this with most everyone. They don’t like something,
and in time they develop a “closed spirit” toward them, and they
can’t do anything right. I mean, they’d complain if I handed them
a $20 bill and they’d crumble at why I didn’t make it 2 tens!
Joke—one man was so critical of his wife, she couldn’t do
anything right. She said, “even a clock that is stopped is right
once a day!” He said, “actually dear, it’s twice a day for that
24 hours!”
Friends of Good Conversation Have:
• Undivided attention
1 Peter 3:8 Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion
one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous:
It’s common courtesy to look at someone who is talking to you.
Sure, it’s possible to listen without looking, but not as likely!
We used to tell our kids to look at us when we’re talking to them,
and our spouses deserve the same courtesy. Friends of good
conversation also;
• Give a response
1 Peter 3:7 Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according
to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife…
Someone said this secret works for them. Learn to repeat back to
your spouse what they just said. Ie: “so, what you’re saying is”?
Am I hearing you right? What you’re trying to tell me is…
Obviously, we’re talking about meaningful conversation.
Scenario: Wife only gets grunts from husband, so she storms out
of the room mad. And he says, “what’s the matter, I didn’t say
anything!” She says, “Exactly.”
Just as important as what we say is what we don’t say.
Sometimes we just don’t want to talk about something, but maybe
our spouse does.
Friends of good conversation also
• Respect their opinions.
Again, I Pet. 3:7- “giving honor”. Women’s intuition is not a
myth…they have a sort of esp when it comes to moods, facial
expressions, and body language.
My wife picks up on much that I miss, and is usually right!
Friends of good conversation also
• Speak in love and with kindness.
Col. 4:6 Let your speech be alway with grace, seasoned with
salt… Adjectives to avoid: harsh, brash, unkind, cocky,
arrogant, belittling, painful…these are all the opposite of our
text, a mouth that is sweet. Friends of good conversation also;
.Talk just to talk.
We don’t have to have a reason, or big business going down. It
doesn’t have to be a desperate situation that has come up. Just
talking for the sake of talking, maybe about nothing…or how
about this, just for fun between friends! Friends of good
conversation also give;
• Positive praising
Proverbs 31:28 Her children arise up, and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praiseth her.
Read through the Song of Solomon: before he ever touches his
new bride, he praises her over 7 times.
There are Benefits through conversing with each other: You
get a;
• Clearer understanding of each other.
• Learn how to meet each other’s needs.
• Become best friends!
This is great help for the household that wants things to be like
God intends them to be in their home.